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Posted on September 5, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Just Another Manic Morning

By Guest Author Liza Adams

*BEEP BEEP BEEP* 

Your alarm goes off in the morning. If you’re like me, you hit the snooze button (at least) one time before pushing yourself to get moving. You get up and begin your morning routine — shower, get dressed, brush teeth, have breakfast — all of the things you need to do to ensure you are able to kick off your day in a way that checks all the boxes necessary before heading out the door.

As a parent, your morning routine has more complexity. On top of making sure you are checking all of the boxes needed for yourself to confidently start the day, you have the responsibility of overseeing that your child’s routine is in motion and that all of their boxes are being checked. Not to mention, for those with more than one child, that checklist is multiplied!

Routines and checklists are great! They offer guidance and predictability. However, they can’t guarantee the ‘perfect morning’ all on their own, especially when it comes to our children. Try as we may, there always seem to be barriers that work against our ability to get ourselves and those dependent upon us out the door effectively and efficiently.

There are two specific barriers which we have discovered to be particularly present in our home and, in speaking with other parents, have learned are common in other households as well: punctuality anxiety and a lack of planning. 

Barrier #1: Punctuality Anxiety

Many of us are beholden to a place of employment that relies on us to arrive for work on time and on top of that, punctuality is imperative for positive performance. For instance, someone who is a doctor that has their first patient being prepped for the operating room doesn’t have the same kind of ‘wiggle room’ with timing as someone whose employment situation offers a little more flexibility. Not to mention, in some families, there is a bus to catch for school!

The way punctuality anxiety shows up in our household is when one of our children chooses to spend an especially long time completing one of the routine tasks. Thus begins my inner monologue as I try to stay composed: Why is Maggie needing to tell me all about gym class yesterday in the process of brushing her teeth? Must that REALLY happen now when I need to leave the house in five minutes to get to work on time?! Then, all it takes is one more second of time needed beyond my control and my inner monologue lashes outward “I have to leave this house in five minutes in order to get to work on time, why are you telling me this story now? We have the whole ride to school and you can tell me about it then!” Next thing I know, my daughter is having a meltdown triggered by my yelling at her… a meltdown that now adds ten more unplanned minutes to the morning routine…(not to mention the fact that now we are both frustrated and stressed).

Barrier #2: Lack of Planning

These days it seems inevitable that we start our morning routine only to make a discovery such as, “Oh no! It’s the first day of his new swim class at school and his favorite swimsuit isn’t washed!” or “Today’s the day she is supposed to turn in her homework, and only one of the two pages is done!” or “Mother Nature threw us a curveball: an early fall tornado!” Next thing you know, you are frantically throwing things in the laundry for a ‘Quick Wash’ cycle or running down to the basement to take shelter and wait while losing precious seconds. Or you’re anxiously coaxing your child through that second page of homework while packing lunches…

Are these barriers familiar to you? Here’s the good news… the power to knock them down lies within you! While neither my husband nor I would say we have ‘nailed it’ in using these, here are some proactive strategies that we have found to work rather well as of late:

  1. Set your alarm earlier! It’s amazing what ten extra minutes can do to allay your anxiety.
  2. If you have a caregiving partner at home, cross-check daily schedules with them! Is their schedule more flexible to allow for them to drive your child to school on a particular day? Then, your daughter can afford the time to share every last detail of that gym class story! 
  3. Keep an updated and detailed calendar. We have found the ‘Notes’ section on our shared digital calendar to be especially helpful such as, “Grandpa is the one picking up Daniel from preschool today.”
  4. Carve out time the evening before to review the calendar and strategize for what’s “on deck” for the day ahead. What’s the weather prediction? Will it impact road conditions? Is tomorrow the day that homework is due? “Oh look! It’s his first swim class tomorrow. Better get his favorite swimsuit washed tonight! Her well-child doctor’s visit is tomorrow! Did we figure out who is picking her up early from school to take her? My first meeting tomorrow is especially important to be punctual for. I’d better ask my partner to be on drive-to-school duty!”

With that in mind, we are all human and because of a myriad of variables, we can’t always be so on top of planning ahead. Here are some in-the-moment strategies that we have used and found to be helpful:

  1. Onboard a strategy or two that helps you to maintain composure as best as you can when you feel anxious. The more composed you stay, the more likely your child is to stay the course. “Deep breaths” may work for some people, but not everyone. Perhaps walking out of the room for a minute or tapping your thumbs to each of your fingers or another calming strategy is helpful for settling your own feelings.
  2. Let natural consequences take their course! If you end up being late to work and have a stressful day of running late to every meeting because you didn’t know there was going to be a major storm causing difficult road conditions, ideally it’ll remind you to look ahead at the weather and plan accordingly next time. Reflect with your whole family! Children benefit from learning about those natural consequences and how you’ll take steps to create safety when facing unexpected events. Together, make a solid plan for next time.

As you consider what you’ve read, I encourage you to ask yourself: Do “manic mornings” happen in my house? Do I find myself getting anxious when I am worried about a stand-still in our family’s morning routine? Is there a way I can plan ahead more effectively to help mornings move more smoothly? 

While it is impossible to guarantee a ‘perfect’ morning routine all of the time, employing strategies like these can ideally help you towards kicking off the day as effectively and efficiently as possible! 

Liza’s Favorite Recommended Resources Include:

Conscious Discipline – Check out their website with free resources that for educators and parents alike.

The Awakened Family; How to Raise Empowered, Resilient, and Conscious Children by Shefali Tsabary, PhD.

The Secrets of Happy Families; Improve your Mornings, Tell your Family History, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play and Much More by Bruce Feiler

Liza Adams is Co-Director of Early Childhood Services at The Mandel JCC’s Early Childhood Center in Beachwood, Ohio. She has been working in the field of early childhood education since 2008 after graduating from Ohio State University with a Bachelor’s Degree in Human Development and Family Science. Liza went on to obtain her Master’s degree in Jewish Education from Siegal College, and participated in the Jewish Early Childhood Education Leadership Institute that encouraged inquiry and reflective practice, development of leadership, and building of school culture. Liza is passionate about partnering with caregivers to cultivate an environment for young children in which high-quality care and trusted relationships are foundational, play is the way for curiosity to take its course, and there is a positive approach to social-emotional learning and behavioral guidance. Liza is also the mother of a daughter in elementary school and a son in preschool.

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Posted on August 29, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Seeking New Friendships in a New School Year

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'”

– C.S. Lewis

Whether your child speaks the desire or not, most if not all children enter the school year with a hope of cultivating new friends. Yet, our children may not feel comfortable initiating a conversation or have well-rehearsed the social skills needed to grow a friendship. It can require great courage to risk possible rejection to go up to someone brand new to begin a conversation. If your preschool age child once played side by side with peers and began a friendship by bumping their toy cars into one another, that easy start can become more complex as children grow. “How do I just talk to someone I don’t know?“, “What if no one is playing a game I like?” and “What if I ask to play and they say ‘No.’? are real concerns. Social anxiety can strike at any moment. Kids don’t often know how to cope with those worries and turn to you for guidance. So how do you help your child through those times while supporting their social skill development?

We know that whether at school or in an extracurricular activity,  friendships will add to a child’s comfort and enjoyment and can even determine whether they’ll participate in the first place. Research studies confirm that friendships can contribute to a student’s academic performance. Studies have concluded that for both elementary and middle school students, those that have significant friendships at school have a higher motivation for working toward social and academic goals.1 A teacher writes:

“We expect our elementary and middle school students to have mastered these skills before they reach our classrooms. In fact, many of the problems we solve daily are not related to academics but to our students’ undeveloped social skills.“2

Indeed, friendships and a sense of belonging at school can directly address the chronic absenteeism problem that schools has faced since the pandemic. Each student who has at least one treasured friendship – their go-to buddy – has greater incentive to get to school each day.

For teachers, making relationship building a priority at the beginning of the school year can not only eliminate some of those social anxieties that get in the way of learning, they can motivate a child to engage and work hard with friends at their side throughout the school year. Developing friendships and being able to collaborate with peers requires multiple skills that must be learned and practiced over time. And it’s not enough for students to learn to create a friendship with those who are just like they are. Additionally, teachers and parents need to build the skills of accepting and working with students who are different from you. Caring classroom communities not only help students discover their commonalities but also recognize, celebrate and focus on the uniqueness and importance of differences.

Though you may feel as a parent that you have little influence on friend-making at school when you are not present, that’s not exactly true. There are numerous ways you can offer valuable practice in friendship skills at home. Practicing some of these skills over the coming weeks as all students are newly back to school can help set your child up for success setting the tone for a school year where they feel a sense of belonging and care.

Here are some ideas to try out.

For Preschool and Elementary School Age Children

Model.

Find chances in the grocery store or at the bank during regular weekly activities in which your child accompanies you to model introductions to people. Perhaps when you go buy school supplies, this could be your chance. You may go to the same store each week but do you know the names of the employees that assist you? Introduce yourself and your child.

“Hi. I come in here weekly and you’ve helped me many times. What is your name? It’s nice to meet you. This is my daughter, Amanda. She is a big help on shopping trips.”

Be sure and take the opportunity on the car ride home to reflect on the introduction. You might ask, “What did you notice that I said to the woman at the store? Are there some kids at school you might be able to introduce yourself to in a similar way?”

Practice at home.

For younger children, get out three or four of your child’s stuffed friends and have them join you for a snack after school.  Start by making your own introduction of one to another. Then, have your child do the rest of the introductions. “Seal meet Wayne, the bunny. You both like playing legos with Amanda.” Share one commonality and one difference. My son loved this game and looks for opportunities to introduce puppets, trains, cars and other friends that have not yet met. Remember to point out the small aspects you may take for granted to set your child up for success. Nonverbals matter! For example, “I looked at him in the eyes. I smiled and then, I offered my name.“

For older children into middle school, you can involve them in introductions by play acting with them and engaging them in fun. Talk about how it can feel awkward to introduce yourself. Maybe share a story of a time you felt awkward or silly but made an introduction anyway and were glad you did. Show them how you did it. “I just walked up and said ‘I see you are reading that great book. I read it last summer and loved it. I’m Amanda.’” Recognize that it will take some courage to approach a peer. Offer simple ways to join in a game, just sit down, or introduce a topic to get through the awkward first step and move on to getting to know others. It helps to consider questions your child might ask to open up conversation like, “what do you like to do at recess?” Or “who was your favorite teacher last year?“

Create new attitudes around differences.

If your child’s classroom teacher is not intentional about building classroom community and inclusive connections, children may tend toward creating small groups and leaving children out. Your child does not need to be dear friends with every child but they do need to show acceptance and respect and get along with every child in the class. After all, they’ll have plenty of interactions and may even need to work with each of their peers on academic projects. How you talk about differences at home matters greatly. How can you notice when you are talking about classmates, neighbors, or any person outside of your immediate family? Now is the time to use your best self management skills and exercise curiosity (versus judgment with differences). When differences arise — “they don’t think like we do.” — the essential question becomes, “what can we learn from that difference?” Judgment of classmates at home leads to judgment of classmates at school. Set your child up for success in the classroom by curbing any judgment and showing acceptance and curiosity for uniqueness. Look for the (at times, hidden) gifts of each individual! When your child comes home from school talking judgmentally about another child, use your best life coaching approach. You might respond,

“every child in your class has a gift whether it’s clear to you or not. Your special trick can be finding that gift. Do you know what it is for the classmate you’re talking about?”

Ask about free times like lunchtime and recess.

There are very few free moments during the school day when children choose what they can do and with whom they can do it but lunch and recess are often those times. It can be so difficult to find someone to sit with at lunch when looking out at a sea of unfamiliar faces. Talk about this and what your child might do. Model simple language that he can use. “Can I sit with you?” is all it takes – that and a lot of courage – to sit down with a new group of students and have lunch. Talking about it with you and helping your child see that everyone has those feelings of awkwardness at one point or another may give him the courage needed to take that first step.

Provide reinforcing comments.

As your child tells you about attempts to make new friends, reinforce what she is doing. “I notice you introduced yourself today. That kind of bravery is going to pay off, just wait, and see.” It may take a number of tries to make a connection that lasts beyond the lunch period. Also, it’s tempting to ask about and judge the kids with whom she is connecting. You may know the parents or have seen the potential friends through school interactions.  We know that peers can be a significant influence on our child and we want it to be a positive one. However, because it can feel so challenging to make connections and kids are still trying to figure out in which group they belong, allow them some space to take healthy risks and try out new friendships.

Teach to repair harm.

Making friends is hard enough but keeping friends can represent another level of social skills. After all, there are no perfect friends. Each will make mistakes and hurt one another. The trick when hurt or harm occurs is that your child knows how to make amends. Teach that their next choice can be a better choice to heal the relationship. They may feel hurt too. So they need practice at home — with you, with siblings, with neighborhood friends. When they cause harm (and it may be inadvertent), how can they accept their role and responsibility and make things better? Can they offer an apology face to face? Can they mend a broken toy, offer a hug, or write a note? There are many ways that friends can repair harm done. Yet so often, when conflict arises, children’s coping strategies lead to more harm (silent treatment, blame, contempt, and more). They need your coaching and your support in generating ideas for what they can do to create healing when they have calmed down and are ready. You can assure them that (if harm was done on multiple sides) taking responsibility for their part is the right thing to do. They do not have control over anyone else’s behavior, only their own.

Have patience and give it time.

Though at times, it may be challenging to see your child struggling to simply walk up to a group of kids to engage in play, slow your own mind down. Recall your own socially awkward moments as a child. Perhaps even remember times as an adult that it’s been tough to walk, for example, into a brand new workplace and begin relationships. Thinking about your own tough times in starting friendships can help extend your own patience while realizing that, for a child in the midst of social anxieties, it can be a significant and all-consuming challenge. Your guidance and show of confidence that they can do it will help them take the risks they need to take in order to develop those critical relationships.

Children often begin with the advantage of a core common interest – camp, school, sports. If your child initiates a conversation, that may be all that is needed to forge a friendship. Have those discussions, model, practice, and reinforce their courageous efforts as they make attempts. Root for your child in connecting with each person in their class. Those small supports you provide can go a long way toward helping your child find the confidence for making healthy friendships.

For a related article:

What’s in a Name? Teaching Children the Art of Introductions

Healthy Relationships: The Cornerstone of Gratefulness

References:

  1. DuBois, D. L., Felner, R. D., Brand, S., Adan, A. M., & Evans, E. G. (1992). A prospective study of life stress, social support, and adaptation in early adolescence. Child Development, 63,542-557.
  2. Watson, M., Ecken, L. (2003). Learning to Trust; Transforming Difficult Elementary Classrooms through Developmental Discipline. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
  3. Harter, S. (1996). Teacher and classmate influences on scholastic motivation, self-esteem, and level of voice in adolescents. In J. Juvonen & K. R. Wentzel (Eds.), Social motivation: Understanding children’s school adjustment (pp. 11-42). New York: Cambridge University Press.
  4. Wentzel, K. R. (1994). Relations of social goal pursuit to social acceptance, classroom behavior, and perceived social support. Journal of Educational Psychology, 86, 173-182.

Adapted from original published on September 5, 2013.

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Posted on August 21, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Ready or Not… Here We Go! Back to School

As we pass through the family orientation at my son’s high school, we stop and connect with many students, teachers, parents, and administrators. Particularly with the students, we ask how each is feeling about returning to school. And though I always get a thrill with the start of school, these students are feeling other emotions – anxiousness, sorrow, and even some dread. “There’s so much work ahead,” one said already exasperated. Friend drama, tough class schedules, and college applications loom and you can sense how it feels daunting for these rising juniors. When I asked teens and parents what their hopes and dreams were for this school year, they had many specific goals at the ready including getting a driver’s license, surviving calculus, heading to state championships for soccer, narrowing down a path toward a college major, and mastering executive function skills like organizing, planning, and managing their multiple goals and considerable work load. 

Depending on the age and stage of the students in your home, some of these feelings may resonate. Or you may have younger children who are holding many fears of new teachers, new peers, and new academic challenges along with hopes for making friends, having some fun at lunch and recess, and connecting with their teacher. 

Although differing grade levels and ages will anticipate in differing ways, they’ll surely share the fact that the start of school produces many feelings for students, faculty, and parents alike. That’s why, there a couple key points to remember in these first days:

  1. Everyone deserves grace and patience. Nerves can make anyone scramble for words, or fumble for the right school supply needed. No one needs to be or act perfectly from the start though that’s precisely what so many of our students — and teachers! – expect of themselves. Take time with each other and offer plenty of patience for each person to get into a groove. Just as an orchestra may know their individual parts, it takes considerable time, consistency, and rehearsal to come together to make harmonious music.
  2. The start of school is a process – a season – and not a single day. With each new day, there’s an opportunity to learn a name and connect to a unique passion or interest so that you truly remember it. This also means that there’s plenty of time to hope and dream together; to set intentions together; and to establish boundaries or ground rules together at school. And at home, there’s plenty of time to consider home routines like morning, after school, dinnertime, homework time, and bedtime and how plans for consistency and responsibilities around these routines can add to our children’s sense of safety and ability to learn and grow.
  3. More rest, quiet, and renewal is needed at the end of each day. Because our students are using every ounce of self control and focus they have during these new school days, they will likely come home tired (and perhaps, grumpy too). Make time and space for extra care, extra down time, extra rest so that your home can be a respite amidst all of the pressures of the school day.

Confident Parents, Confident Kids has been reflecting on back to school season for twelve years now! And we’ve accumulated many articles and supports to help us all in this time of transition. Here are some of our best of… back to school!

Big Feelings with Transitions…

Supporting Your Child’s Emotional Well-being Going Back to School

How do you create a smooth transition into the school year for your child and with your family? Check out these ideas!

Dealing with Back to School Butterflies

How do you coach your child is dealing with their nerves on those first days back? Here are some tips!

Three Tips for Easing Back to School Stress

This one is a video with founder Jennifer Miller offering her three tips for dealing with back to school time stress.

Sleep and Other Routines…

Sleep, Teens, and Back to School Season

Yes, for teens, getting up early can be a truly difficult task as they fight their very biology that’s geared for staying up late and getting up even later. Check out these transition tips!

Helping Your Child Calm their Mind at Bedtime; Getting Into the Back to School Sleep Routine

Children’s minds are racing at the end of day with so many new challenges, relationships, and environments. They may even generate more energy as their body pushes through these first big days. Help them calm themselves so that they get enough to sleep to feel good and bring their best through these first few weeks.

Establishing or Reinventing Home Routines for Learning Success

Yes, home routines matter and directly impact learning. In fact, they may be one of the most significant ways in which parents can impact a child’s learning in school. Take some time to learn about how you can establish or reinvent your home routines so that they best promote learning.

A Giant Leap…Kindergarten…

Adjusting to Kindergarten; Exhilarating, Exhausting, and Emotional

Your transition into kindergarten with a young children can feel like a giant leap for the whole family. Your child will be required to learn a whole new way of “doing school” and they’ll need to use every ounce of self control they can muster to focus and adhere to those new school rules and routines. They’ll be big emotions at home as they release the pressure that has been building all day. Parents, you definitely can use some extra support! Check out these helpful tips from one of our most popular articles ever!

Parent/Caregiver Engagement in Schools and Learning…

How to Kickstart Your School Year with a Strong Parent-Teacher Partnership by Jenny Woo, PhD.

What are ways parents can effectively communicate in these early weeks that establish a positive relationship with their child’s teacher? These seeds planted can grow into a trusting, valued relationship that serves your child throughout the school year. Dr. Woo gives her best tips!

Discovering Treasures; Roles of and Opportunities for Parents in the First Six Weeks of School

Though parents can attend open houses and meet and greet teachers, they may not learn exactly what their roles and responsibilities are for the school year. So often, we, as parents, are left to figure out ways we can be a meaningful contributor. Check out these tips for parents!

And finally, schools and districts…

Don’t miss our new Fall workshops for parents and caregivers and our new research-backed family-school partnership program entitled Listening Spaces!

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Posted on August 12, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Confident Parents on Good Morning Columbus!

Jennifer Miller, founder/author of Confident Parents, Confident Kids, sat down Sunday morning (yesterday) with the Good Morning Columbus (Ohio) team at WSYX ABC 6. Grateful to be in a caring, connected city where families are valued and celebrated. Check out our discussion about confident parents and the back to school season here.

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Posted on August 8, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Our Back to School Theme – Listening

The buzz of back to school season is here. We are shopping, getting class schedules, and mentally and emotionally adjusting ourselves to the fact that the start of school is just around the corner. In my son’s school, we have a brand new Head of School. And we’ve asked each other the questions we are wondering about: what will she be like? What changes will she bring about? Will they be welcome additions? Will there be aspects we don’t like as much? A change in teachers, coaches, or advisors may excite and enervate parents and students alike anticipating starting back. 

This particular Head of School sent a note out to the entire school community introducing herself. In her note, she stated plainly that she planned to devote the whole first year to listening and learning about the school community before setting a vision or making sweeping changes. Immediately, I knew we were in good hands. Her intention and willingness to listen gave me a sense of calm and confidence that her leadership was going to make a positive difference. She wants to discover the strengths and goodness already present and build on it. But this is not the norm…

Listening is a highly underrated, under-discussed and attended to skill. And it is a skill — learnable, teachable, and practicable. In fact, in school, about six years is devoted to formal reading instruction though 16% of our lives is spent reading, 30% speaking, and 45% listening.1 Research confirms that when students have learned something new, they lose one half to one third of that new knowledge within eight hours.2 Imagine what happens in a classroom during a lesson – lectures, maybe small group discussions, directions or logistics communicated. These all require listening.

We might add to these conditions that listening is a naturally difficult task (and more so, if you add any neuro-diversity to the mix!). The fact is that we think much faster than we talk. So when we are listening, we think at a higher speed and that thinking can take us for a ride – around the block, around our to do list, around judgment of the speaker – none of which is actually contributing to our comprehending of what we are hearing. All that spare time for thinking can actually be used wisely to enhance our listening skills. But only if we are trained and practiced in doing so. We’ll get back to those practices in a minute. But first, why should listening be the focus in back to school time for families?

In addition to some of the obvious reasons that come to mind in understanding a teacher’s instructions or comprehending a lesson, there is a much more fundamental reason for a whole family, indeed a whole school community to focus on listening in the back to school season. And that is: belonging and connection. Our sense of safety, of caring, of trusting relationships begins with the small practice of listening. When someone focuses their attention on us, we feel seen, heard, and valued. We feel understood. And we feel we matter. Even if the other person disagrees with our opinions, they’re willingness to listen with an open mind and open heart offer us a generous space for being recognized as important, worthy of someone’s time and attention. Every student needs to feel that they are seen, heard and valued. And parents and caregivers too need that kind of acceptance in the school community as learning partners especially since they are unable to be present as much as students and staff are present.

Why not just focus on the basics? Why does a focus on belonging, on listening, on relationships matter so much? In fact, it is the core of learning — necessary — not icing on the cake. Bottom line, “no significant learning occurs without a significant relationship.” Thank you, Dr. James Comer, Professor of Child Psychiatry at Yale University. As we consider how all learning partners are involved in our children and teen’s success including staff, educators, administrators, parents, and students, a focus on listening helps us meet so many of our goals to build caring relationships and create the conditions necessary for our child’s success.

So how can we work on it? How can we focus on it? The topic seems so simple and so challenging all at once. Here are some tips to get us started.

Practice Now with Back to School Preparations.

We may engage in a number of activities preparing for school before we even enter the school building. Shopping for clothes and supplies may offer a start. At home, we’ll be organizing and labeling, closing up summer engagements (goodbye camp, swimming pool, or summer job!), and connecting with friends to seize final summer opportunities or meet with school friends to anticipate the start together. As these activities unfold, we’ll be talking about what’s to come. These moments offer us a chance to be intentional about our listening. How can we listen for our child or teen’s feelings that hid behind the words they are using? How can we reflect back what we are hearing so that are self aware as they move toward school? Are there stories of learning triumph or learning defeat or friendship success or friendship failure that are coming out? How can our ability to create an open space for acceptance and vulnerability help them build confidence for the year ahead?

Create Your Own Intentions for the Back to School Season.

It’s a short window of time – between 3-6 weeks – when we have this shimmering moment of opportunity to meet people and build caring relationships. If we bring our best, most present self to this brief timeframe, we might cultivate seeds that will grow throughout the entire school year. Teachers have a lot to communicate in these first weeks. We can listen for understanding, listen for clarity, and listen to show we deeply care about our children’s education. 

Cultivate an Open Heart and Open Mind. 

As adults, we listen for gaps, flaws, and problems to fix. We look for gotchas! This is not the kind of listening that is connecting. Our teachers want to know that we have “got their backs” at home. After all, that’s what partnership means. We support one another with the common mission of supporting our children’s learning. Because this state of mind does not come naturally, we have to set an intention. We have to be aware of our default settings that easily skip to judgment. So inner coaching is necessary. We can recite, “how can I bring an open mind and heart to our curriculum night knowing every person is there with the best intent to help our student’s learn?” Practice now by inviting your child to tell you about their hopes for the school year. Use your most open self to receive those hopes.

Use That Extra Thinking Space!

If people talk slower than we think, we have extra space to utilize in ways that are connecting. Use that time while you are listening to what is said to consider these key questions:

– what am I learning from the words?

– what am I learning from the body language including facial expressions?

– what feelings am I sensing?

– do I understand everything or do I need to ask for more details?

Before responding to a teacher, fellow parent, or your own child, take a moment of pause. Take a breath. Allow for space. Ask questions to further understand what they are communicating. Or reflect back to them what you’ve heard to make sure you are getting it right. “I heard you say that homework this year will involve lots of math practice.” We move so quickly. And we all realize that often we are not fully heard. Show you are taking in and processing all that is communicated to underscore the importance of the relationships you are building as your way of giving your best to the start of the school year.

Set Rules for your Own Self Management

The biggest rule we all need to consider for ourselves is: where will our phone be? How will we manage them? Will they be put away? Will notifications be turned off? This is a challenge for all of us and one of the biggest distractions from open-minded, open-hearted listening. But there may be other rules that might assist you too. What time a day will you fully focus on your child and their back to school reflections? How will you remind yourself of focusing and using your highest listening skills? How will you begin your day in ways that create calm and focus so that you can bring that centering to your interactions throughout the day?

Play Listening Games with your Family

We love Jenny Woo’s card games with powerful, funny, and connecting questions entitled 52 Essential Conversations because it offers the chance for a family member to share their deeper reflections and for other members to practice listening. Or you can simply ask big picture questions at dinnertime. Be sure and establish the ground rules for listening before you begin. Sometimes it’s fun with young children to show what bad listening looks like. As parents, we can play act and model what we don’t want so that our children can show us what good listening looks like. Here are a few helpful ground rules for your game:

– Listen with your whole heart and mind.

– Be sure you understand what’s being said.

– Look for what the speaker is feeling when they are talking.

– Before moving on, reflect back to them exactly what you heard.

– Then, reflect back to them the feelings you sensed and see if you are right.

-When responding, use “yes and…” to build on what was said.

Reflect with Your Children on the Opportunity of Listening

If nerves are welling up as you near the first day of school, listening can be just the right anecdote. After all, all students — and teachers too! — will be nervous on the first day. A new year signals lots of uncertainty. Coach your child that they have the key to making new friends! That key is listening well. Help your child consider what questions they might ask of others to make a connection. “What teacher do you have this year? What was your favorite subject last year? What’s your favorite part of the day?” And then, they give themselves the opportunity to fully listen. Seems simple but works magic! All of sudden, your child’s nerves go away as they focus on the other person. And the other person feels seen, heard, and valued. Magic! 

In a world where loneliness is an epidemic, true connection is possible. We can be agents of change in our own small ways by bringing our full focus in the back to school season. Our children notice. Not only do they notice, but they also mimic what we do sometimes and especially when we are not present. Imagine how a school year might unfold differently if each individual – teacher, parent and student – brought their open minded, open hearted selves to the school community. We have that opportunity now. May you plant the seeds of caring connection in your school community this season to grow throughout the school year!

______

Check out the brand new school-family partnerships program through Confident Parents, Confident Kids entitled Listening Spaces, in which a small school team creates pathways for listening that contribute to whole school belonging and connection. Learn more!

References:

SpeakEasyInc. Hearing Vs. Listening. Retrieved on 8/7/24. 

Nichols, R. G., & Stevens, L.A. Listening to People. Harvard Business Review. Retrieved on 8/7/24.

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Posted on August 1, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Invitation to SEL Educators – For Fall Contributions

ATTENTION — Writing Opportunity for Educators who are trained in Social and Emotional Learning and are also Parents

Confident Parents, Confident Kids “merits the attention of anyone working in social, emotional and character development who wants a place to send parents for ideas and advice and dialogue.”

– Maurice Elias, Professor of Psychology; Director, Rutgers Social-Emotional and Character Development Lab; Co-Director, Rutgers Collaborative Center for Community-Based Research and Service

Not enough time to contribute to an academic journal but want to write?

Eager to reflect on how what you are learning professionally about advancing children’s social and emotional learning can help your own children?

We hope you’ll consider writing an article for Confident Parents, Confident Kids! We tried our first experiment with this last Spring and it was incredible! We had so many rich, interesting perspectives come from a range of experts in the field. Join us!

The site enjoys daily visitors from 152 countries around the world and a follow-ship of more than 24,000. Help initiate important dialogue making the connection between parenting at each age and stage and your children’s (and your own!) social and emotional development. 

If interested, please email confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com with the subject line: “Article Idea from an SEL Educator!” Please include your idea (parenting opportunity/challenge), how it connects to a social and emotional skill building opportunity (in your child and yourself!), and the ages/stages of children you are writing about. Also, please include a short bio or resume. All authors must have credentials/experience in education with SEL and be actively parenting in your own home. A diverse range of perspectives is encouraged. Articles must align with the research base.

You can learn more here: https://confidentparentsconfidentkids.org/invitation-for-sel-educators/. All proposed ideas are due by August 15, 2024. We’ll review and get back to you on whether you’ll be published this fall by August 29, 2024.

We hope you’ll join our parent-led community of practice by contributing! We are so excited to learn from how you are bringing to life the science of social and emotional learning and development to benefit your children in your own personal parenting!

All the best,
Jennifer Miller, Founder and…

Senior Lead Writers: Shannon Wanless, Jason Miller, Jenny Woo, Mike Wilson, Nikkya Hargrove, and Lorea Martinez

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Posted on July 30, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

New for the Back to School Season… Parent/Caregiver Supports and Programs for School Communities!

Learn more about these Parent Workshops!

And…

Learn More about Listening Spaces
Learn more about Parent Book Studies led by author Jennifer Miller!

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Posted on July 25, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Summer Stillness; A Nurturing Balm for the Caregiver’s Soul

The raucous sound waves of pounding and tiles breaking and hitting the floor echo through every corner of my little household as we remodel our only full bathroom that (can you believe I’m admitting this?) we haven’t renovated in the twenty years since we’ve lived in our home. I find myself running from library to home and back again trying to get my work done and attend to my teenager’s needs, mostly for a car to drive and accountability on the basics (like “did you eat breakfast?”). At home, the electric guitar screams and reverberates from the basement as my son attempts to learn every song from the 1980s to today. At the library, as I write, people are hovering around my library study room ready to pounce on the space. Summer chaos has arrived. And I know you have it too – just your very own brand.

Young children require constant tending as we organize playdates, tend to scraped knees, and clean out the dirt, sand, and other messes that constitute a “good” summer. For elementary-aged children, we insist that we are not their entertainment committee but yet, need to get them involved in organized activities, see friends, and get outside versus getting consumed by screens. So we schlep them to camps, to friends’ houses, to tutoring, to music lessons all in an effort to provide enrichment away from screens. If you have teens in your household, there may be power struggles over bedtimes, screen times, meal times, and more as they push for independence without responsibility and you push for responsibility. And the intensity heightens without the consistent routines and structures of school. About this time each summer, we begin to get weary of the intense heat and the bugs. So too we, as caregivers, are getting weary with the lack of structure and the many roles we feel responsible for playing in the summertime.

But there is a remedy. No, it does not involve imagining you are back on vacation. Instead you can find it in the small moments between the running here and there if you so choose to find it. Summer stillness shimmers like rays of light peaking through the clouds…there, ever-present but not loud or waving in your face. Buried in screens or in household responsibilities, you will miss it. But if you become intentional about seizing summer stillness in those glistening moments where it’s possible, you will find the healing and renewal you are looking for. Not all at once, but cumulatively, over time, those moments build a foundation within you of resilience.

Summer stillness is…

  • sitting outside and listening to all of the sounds of your surroundings – birdsong, breeze, traffic, children’s laughter, construction crews. Just listen. Be still. Appreciate the life you hear. If the “to do” list begins in your head, gently encourage it to float off.
  • pausing at your desk amidst work. Closing your computer. Backing up in your chair and closing your eyes. Breathing in for a number of breaths. Being still.
  • stopping in the kitchen. Placing your hands on the refrigerator or the countertops – someplace cool. Close your eyes and breathe.
  • with the family before eating dinner. Pause together. Close your eyes. You can ask your family to visualize their most peaceful place. Breathe for three breathes. Yes, kids can do it!
  • (with a little more time) go to water. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expansive. Just go to water. We have a pond in our neighborhood that I frequent. Stare at the water. Let it soothe you.
  • (with a little more time) head to nature. Again, it doesn’t have to be immersive. Find a park nearby. Sit on a bench or at a picnic table. Notice the life – humans but also, squirrels, birds, chipmunks, deer – quietly busy living an existence you typically don’t notice. Take time to notice. And breathe the fresh air while you do.

These may seem simple to a fault. But in our busy lives, strategies need to be. The trick is setting the intention: “I will practice stillness for my well-being.” and then sticking to it through reminders (phone or device?) or a consistent routine (right after morning coffee? right after camp drop off?). Don’t let the summer pull you under the water until you are drowning. Make sure that you are finding those shimmering moments to float. As caregivers, our family needs us to be well. Yet, their needs can consume us. And it’s not okay for us to let them consume us. That’s why we need to be proactive about renewal.

May you find plenty of shimmering moments of summer stillness ahead in each day. And may they add up to a fullness of spirit. May that spirit enter into your caregiving to infuse life with creativity and laughter and presence.

Happy summer!

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Posted on July 18, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Learning Together from Summertime Frustrations

Simple and Practical Strategies for Applying Indigenous Wisdom to Managing Upset While Teaching Emotional Intelligence

Frowning faces, furrowed brows, and grumpy expressions may describe your family members’ expressions in the middle of summer as we work hard and play hard while dealing with intense heat and humidity. You may be in that rare season where all family members are home together. Transition times can be tough particularly when children are hot, sweaty and tired. Siblings can begin to get on one another’s nerves being around one another more often – not to mention our own. And responsibilities can fall by the wayside – even if minor and small (“we forgot the bug spray, the sun tan lotion, the bathing suit!”) – and innervate even the most patient of caregivers. But summer can also offer the ideal conditions for teaching invaluable lessons about children’s challenging emotions. With some intentionality and a playful spirit, your family can practice some of life’s most important lessons this summer.

Teaching children about their emotions through the dramatic arts is a simple way to build on children’s vast ability to learn through play-acting. There’s much to learn from the Inuit families who live in the Arctic regions of Canada, Alaska, Greenland and Russia. They make the acting out of anger, our reactions to anger and it’s possible outcomes with their children a widely-used and accepted part of their parenting practices. In fact, Ethnographer Jean Briggs who lived and studied Inuit families reported “…something remarkable was going on in these families: The adults had an extraordinary ability to control their anger.”1

Evidence on how parents were teaching children about anger was found in the consistent healthy management of anger by adults in the community years later. And their formula was simple. When a child gets angry, so their tradition goes, it poses an opportunity to teach a child about how to react. Inuit parents will stop in that heated moment or revisit that moment later. They act out together how the anger feels from one person to the other including what they feel like doing with the feeling, and if/when they lash out, how it feels to the other person, the consequences to the relationship, and how to repair harm if caused. There’s much we can learn from this! Check out the full article from National Public Radio here entitled How Inuit Parents Raise Children to Control Their Anger.

As tensions continue in our family lives, there’s an important opportunity of the moment if we seize it. The big feelings we are all encountering daily and weekly provide a common experience among adults and the children they love. What better chance do we have of teaching our children emotional intelligence than at a time when their emotions are running at a fever pitch? I know what you may be thinking now, Reader. “How can I possibly teach emotional intelligence when I’m feeling overwhelmed, run down, and highly anxious myself?” Well, it’s a good question. And you can! Let me explain.

It helps to draw upon a research-backed framework that gives four essential factors of parenting resilience.2 They are:

  1. Social connection and support;
  2. Knowledge of parenting and child development;
  3. Social and emotional competence of children; and
  4. Ability to ask for and accept help.

This framework provides the hope that as you gain knowledge of your own role as a parent (you are doing that right now!), you can learn ways in which to promote your child’s social and emotional skills which, in turn, will offer you greater empathy, patience, and sense of agency and competence. In other words, you’ll have greater endurance for the marathon of stress you are surely running parenting in complex times. Learning how to manage your own stress and teaching your children how to manage their own big feelings in healthy ways just may be one of the most significant opportunities of our time. Preparing this generation with the tools to be change-makers to solve the problems our world faces will require that social and emotional training.

Check out my simple ideas for transforming the drama of the moment into a vital lesson for the future.

  1. Invest in the Pause. 

No matter what is going on, no matter your level of frustration, the pause is your best friend. It will transform any immediate reactions based on impulse that may leave you with regret later. Impulse and feeling happen instantly but thought takes a moment. So allow your reaction to be informed by your thoughts by pausing in the midst of the drama. Have a hard time stopping the escalation? Say “stop” or “time out” aloud — for yourself. This will assist your whole body and brain even when highly upset in taking that essential pause. Even better, agree with your family on a word or phrase (such as, “freeze”) you’ll say to each other when there’s a need to pause the drama.

  1. Ask, Listen, Accept.

Though we often think we know exactly what our children are thinking and feeling, we don’t. We may pride ourselves on knowing them best. Yet, the very fact that they are children or teens means that they approach life differently than we do. Though it may be tempting to assume, it’s important that we ask them what’s going on for them. Our fears and worries often are not theirs. But they can become theirs if we engage in projections and assumptions. So as you pause and take a moment to breathe before responding, be sure and ask, “What are you thinking? What are you feeling?” and listen carefully so that you address the problem they are perceiving. And then, whatever feelings they share, we need to be ready to accept them — even those that make us uncomfortable or annoyed. And there are those days when we are right on the verge of our own explosion when it feels like one more challenging feeling from our child will make us erupt. If we reach that near boiling point, go back to the start. Invest in the pause. Breathe. Write down your own feelings. Validate what’s going on for you. Then, return to your child to accept that their hearts are never wrong, that we accept their emotions helping them feel supported and understood.

  1. Brainstorm Healthy Ways to Respond – Together.

Working together to think of healthy ways to respond teaches your child that they have options in any problem and can take steps to feel better and make better choices.  Generating ideas together also takes the heavy lift off of the parent to fix the situation or figure it all out. In fact, if the parent engages in fixes, they rob the child of their learning opportunity. But co-creating solutions scaffolds their participation in cultivating healthy coping skills and making responsible decisions.

  1. Reenact the drama.

When the heat has died down, create a moment to return to the drama for the purpose of learning. It may look a bit differently depending upon the age of the child.

For young children – Pretend play is a hallmark of young children and they are ready to engage in dramatic reenactments on a moment’s notice. So use this to help advance their emotional skills. Be sure and get down on your young child’s level to equalize power. This is important. Make it simple. “I’m so mad. I can feel my face is red. I feel hot. What do you look like when you’re mad?” Make faces at each other — the more dramatic, the better. Then ask, “What can we do or say to feel better?” Be sure that you think of options that cool the heat. In other words, don’t raise voices or throw pillows. Instead, hug a pillow, or get a cool drink of water. Discover together multiple ways to feel better.

Elementary-aged Children – You might ask, “What happens to make you mad?” Then, play act out the story your child offers. Whether it’s a sibling sneering at a joke your child makes or you telling your child to get off screens, you might offer, “let’s act it out and see how it goes.” Try out your own respective roles. “I cannot believe you are making me get off video games now! It’s so unfair!” And you offer what you might say in response, “It’s not right. You know the rules. You’ve taken more time than you are allowed anyway.” Now call, “Time out!” Stop the action. Ask some reflective questions about the moment. “What were you feeling in your body to indicate you were mad?” This raises self-awareness. You may share your own typical physical symptoms you feel when you’re mad as a model. ”I can tell my heart starts racing. I heat up too. What can we do to get to a better place?” Brainstorm together ideas for feeling better and addressing the problem at hand without placing blame or criticizing. And if justice is at issue, anger is a critical emotion to help motivate to action. Discuss what your child can do to right wrongs in ways that create fairness and respect.

Tweens and Teens – This age group is particularly interested in social dynamics and drama. So play on this interest. When friends argue or someone on social media gets mad, what does it look like? What does it sound like? Place your teen in the role of youth culture expert and learn from their experiences. Ask for the full story including what happens when a friend or social media icon “loses it.” What happens in the moment? And even more importantly, what happens later to their reputation? Then, play act It out. You might ask, “Show me how it sounds” and then, “Did this cause harm to you or others?” and if so, “What could this person have done instead?”  Be sure and reflect back that anger can be a vital emotion for moving a person to change, to take action, to right a wrong, or correct an injustice. The question to ask then is, “How can you use your strong feelings to pause and consider how to bring greater justice, fairness and respect to the situation?”

With the busy pace of our lives, we are living through times that produce big feelings for adults and children. We can offer our children and teens a pathway to building strength and resilience if we teach them how to use their anger productively and constructively. Take these small family fires as opportunities to teach your children that they can be change-makers today and you’ll help prepare them for a bright future.

References:

  1. Doucleff, M. & Greenhalgh, J. (2019). How Inuit Parents Raise Teach Kids to Control their Anger. National Public Radio.
  2. Center for the Study of Social Policy (2018). Framework for Parental Resilience; Protective and Promotive Factors; https://cssp.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/ProtectiveFactorsActionSheets.pdf

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Posted on July 11, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Teaching your Child or Teen to Forgive

Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.

– Mahatma Gandhi

“Sammy took my Star Wars Lego out of my hand today at indoor recess. But I forgave him. He loves them too.” relayed my six-year-old son last week. “How do you know about forgiveness?” I asked surprised. “Because you talked about it,” he said with an implied “of course, I know” tone. I marvel at what sticks sometimes and what does not. I was fortunate that the word and the meaning behind it “stuck” this time. It was a reminder to me to continue to use the language of forgiveness because as he grows older the issues will only grow more complex and the need for forgiveness will only increase. If you have a young child, practicing now when small infractions occur will be a big help when bigger issues arise later in childhood and adolescence.

Forgiveness is defined as a voluntary process that involves an individual’s change in emotion or attitude regarding someone who has offended them.1 The person who has been offended has to make a decision to hold the person harmless and not desire retaliation of any kind. Though often addressed in religious circles, there seems less discussion about forgiveness as a social construct. Yet as children grow and develop, conflict will be a regular part of their relationships. Being able to forgive and move on is a critical skill to practice in friendships and in family life. If all is forgiven, then past hurts or poor behavioral choices are not brought up in the heat of an argument. If the past is forgiven, children and parents always start anew and have the chance to make the best choices for all involved.

One of the finest examples of forgiveness in my opinion is the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of South Africa. An entire nation decided that forgiveness was the central vehicle for dealing with the aftermath of apartheid in order to repair the significant damage done. The Commission stated “The conflict during this period resulted in violence and human rights abuses from all sides. No section of society escaped these abuses.”2 People who committed the abuses had to openly discuss their acts of violence and seek forgiveness from those whom they offended. And in the face of their abusers, many were able to forgive. The strength and courage of those people is immeasurable.

Raising confident, socially aware and competent children means that we give them the tools to make responsible decisions considering the consequences to themselves and others. But when they make mistakes or others make mistakes that hurt them, they also have the support, practice, and strength to forgive and move on.

Check out these simple ways to begin encouraging forgiveness in your family’s daily routine especially with younger children and following these ideas, we address older children and teens.

Incorporate the language of forgiveness.

After a disagreement with your partner that your children have witnessed, let them know that you have forgiven one another and have moved on. This modeling will be one of the most powerful lessons you can provide for them. Also offer forgiveness to your child after they have caused harm. And most importantly, move on. The mistakes in the past stay in the past not to be brought up as an accusation at a later date. Children who feel they have a “record” of past wrongs can get into a negative choice cycle assuming that those poor decisions are a part of their identity. Parents who are able to move on offer children a clean slate and the opportunity to make the best choices moving forward.

Model empathy.

As you discuss family member’s or friend’s problems, make sure you include empathetic comments. “It is so difficult on the family that Grandpa decided to stop communicating with your Uncle Fred. But we love Grandpa and we love Uncle Fred. We know they are going through a hard time right now. We will offer support to both of them.”

Facilitate dialogue on problem solving between siblings and with friends.

If children are guided through a problem solving process – defining the problem, articulating their feelings, understanding the other person’s feelings, generating solutions and trying one out – they can more easily forgive and move on. For more on facilitating problem solving with children, check out the previous post “Working It Out.”

Give your children opportunities to repair harm done.

Children may feel bad about themselves after they have made a poor choice and harmed another. Perhaps they struggled with controlling their impulses. Sometimes in that moment, children can feel overwhelmed as if all of the important people in their lives are mad at them and like nothing they can do or say can make things better. Help them practice making good choices after they have caused harm. You might say, “Let’s think of ways we can make this better.” Then offer support as they fix a broken toy, repair a ripped book, or offer a popsicle to a child they knocked down. I often find myself saying to E when a friend gets hurt, “Go check on him. Ask if he’s okay or if he needs a bandaid.” The more practice children get thinking about and putting caring energy into repairing damage, the better equipped they will be for situations in which serious damage has occurred and they need to be strong and make better choices. And in turn, when they have been hurt, they will be more ready to give a second chance to their offender. In addition, discuss the consequences of not forgiving. “If you do not forgive Sammy for taking your Lego piece, what will happen to your friendship?”

For older children and teens, the issues only become more complex and so to, the need for guidance around how to forgive and what constitutes forgiveness. We can tend to hold some misconceptions. One myth is that forgiveness doesn’t hold the offending party responsible for wrong-doing. In other words, does forgiving mean accepting betrayal or harmful behavior? In fact, forgiveness is how you hold your regard for that person in your own mind and heart. Even if you are no longer in contact with them or they have passed on, you have the power to forgive by letting go of anger, hurt, or resentment that keeps you tied to those harmful behaviors in the past.

You can coach your teen that they have choices. First, with a friendship they want to preserve or in a sibling relationship, they can communicate any ways in which they’ve done harm and take responsibility for their own behavior. This step in a relationship can open a safe space for a friend or peer to do the same but it doesn’t always work. The friend may not always take that opportunity to own their wrong-doing. So then, it’s up to your teen to do their own internal heart work to ensure they are letting go of anger they may be holding. How do they do this? Here are some ideas for how you might guide your teen:

Ensure safety first.

This may seem obvious but with teens, we cannot choose their friends or peer relationships. And often, we know far less about those relationships than we’d like as our teens seek more and more independence. So prompt your teen to ensure their safety. How can they feel emotionally and physically safe around that person going forward? It could be as simple as finding allies or rehearsing what to do or say if or when that person who harmed them comes back to harm again.

Express your anger in safe ways.

Becoming angry at a person because they hurt you is a healthy reaction. It gives you the fuel and incentive to protect yourself and stay safe guarding against more harm. But when the harm has been done and is no longer a threat, we can hold onto that anger much longer than we need to. So it’s important to help your teen know what to do with that anger. You might offer the many ways in which you’ve dealt with your own anger and ask what might make them feel better. Painting, listening to music, dancing, running, journaling, or talking to an uninvolved friend or therapist are all healthy options. The arts in particular can help a teen express what’s inside.

Set a clear boundary.

There’s so much talk of boundaries these days yet, actually setting an authentic boundary in a kind and firm way can be one of the most difficult but also most important tasks in relationships. Your teen has the chance to learn this in their early years so that when they are away from you, they have the strength to do it on their own. What’s most important is for your teen to know what words and actions cross that invisible line? Character attacks – yep. Hurtful rumors – definitely. Your teen’s guide can simply be their feelings. Were they hurt? Are they struggling to get over it? Then it’s likely a boundary was crossed. If it was done by a close friend, then practicing ways to communicate that what they said or did wasn’t okay is important. Less is often more. Saying “stop” or “that hurt me” or “play fair” can all become simple ways to communicate that those lines have been crossed.

Ritualize your letting go.

Whether you are staying in a friendship or leaving it, the feelings involved need to be dealt with before you can truly move on. For your teen, how can they solidify their commitment to letting those angry thoughts and feelings go? Writing out hurts and anger and either ripping up and recycling them or burning them (safely!) can be a constructive ritual for letting go of anger. Writing a letter to the person who crossed the line and expressing exactly what your teen wants to say and then destroying the letter (not sharing it) can also help. Imagining conversations in which your teen retains their sense of agency and courage can help support your teen.

Find compassion.

There is always a reason someone is being hurtful or deceptive. And often (always?) that reason is about their own emotional needs and hurts. So there is compassion we can discover if only we search for it. Again, finding compassion in our hearts – seeking understanding for the circumstances that might cause a person to harm another – is not excusing their wrongdoing. But it’s rebuilding your heart and your trust in humanity. So encourage your teen to tell a story of compassion for the person who is harming. After all, our teen, whether aware or not, will likely be the one doing the harm at one point or another so it’s critical that forgiveness and compassion are reciprocal.

Create new opportunities for connection.

If a friendship has been harmed through an argument and your teen has been able to let go of the anger, it’s time to rebuild. So look for small chances to connect. Extend an invitation for ice cream. Look for a simple way to repair harm and begin to make new memories together.

There will be plenty of opportunities for forgiveness if children and teens watch adults engaged in forgiveness and receive support and encouragement from a caring adult. Those experiences will assist them in becoming more empathetic people and perhaps, stronger and gentler with themselves and others.

References:

1 American Psychological Association (2006). Forgiveness: A Sampling of Research Results. Washington, D.C.: Office of Internal Affairs. Reprinted 2008.

2 The Official Truth and Reconciliation Website. Retrieved on July 11, 2024.

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