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Posted on March 12, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Lessons from the Classroom I’m Relearning as a Father

By Ari Gerzon-Kessler

“Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” — Rumi

More than three decades before I became a father, I discovered something that would shape my life: I loved connecting with young children.

I was 11-years-old when my middle school sent us to volunteer at a local preschool. What began as a simple school project sparked a passion that stayed with me for years. As an adult, I continued working with children. This involved four years volunteering at Head Start during college, seven years as an elementary school teacher, and nine years as a school leader. During much of that time, I poured my desire to become a parent—and my natural connection with kids—into my professional life, learning everything I could about supporting a child’s holistic development and becoming the most effective educator possible.

At 45, I was finally blessed with my daughter, Selah. Because I waited and hoped for so long to become a parent, fatherhood has been my deepest priority since her very first day.

Now, more than three years in, I’m struck by how many lessons from the classroom continue to shape my journey as a father. The best parents and the best teachers are engaged in the same essential work: helping young people feel safe, comfortable in their own skin, and curious about the world. While parenting is a different role, some lessons I learned in the classroom have turned out to be highly relevant at home.

Through trial and error, intuition, reflection, and often letting my daughter lead the way, I’ve rediscovered several lessons that first took root in my years as an educator. Here are five lessons that continue to guide me through the delights—and challenges—of parenthood.

The Deep Value of Rituals 

I remember decades ago as a teacher how meaningful rituals could transform a classroom community. Examples include building in a minute of mindful breathing and silence after recess ended and starting the school day on Monday with a sharing circle centered around each student’s greatest hopes or goals for the week. 

Similarly, I’m discovering with Selah how special and connective it is to have steady rituals. For instance, a few weeks ago we started celebrating Shabbat together. Selah emanates a vibrant sense of delight and excitement as we light candles, recite a blessing, and talk about what makes Shabbat distinct from the rest of the week. I feel how her energy calms and transforms. I also notice a part of her spirituality beginning to surface in these moments, as well as a connection to our ancestry that feels timeless for both of us.

On a more regular basis, I am discovering the power of sharing what we feel grateful for at the start of each dinner. We’re a couple months into this ritual, and while Selah, to this day, still starts her turn adorably with, “I am great for…,” I continue to marvel at how this one minute practice is propelling the development of her character and emotional intelligence. She will convey gratitude for nature, our home, that “Grandma is feeling better now,” and all it requires on my end is a little intentionality. 


The Gift of Being Fully Present

I reflected recently on the busy mornings I consistently experience as a single father. In the window between waking up and taking my daughter to school, it is very easy for me to remain task-oriented the entire time, as I prepare breakfast and lunch for both of us and play traffic cop between her and our two dogs. 

Since I only have Selah half-time, sometimes when I say goodbye to her at drop off, it means I don’t see her for a couple days. This prompted me to reflect that I want the two of us to feel deeply connected each and every morning, which led me to commit to sitting beside her as she eats her breakfast regardless of how much needs to be accomplished. 

Selah and I had one poignant moment this past week that reminded me how often she is the one teaching me about presence. We were hustling out the door to get her to school, and for the first time in several weeks, snow was falling. As we stepped into the garage, she noticed the snow and ignored my request to hop into the car so that I could buckle her in. Instead, she walked out of the garage, stared up at the sky, and opened her mouth to take in the large flakes of descending snow. I was in the internal mindset of “we have about two minutes to get out of here before we’ll truly be late for school.” 

When I saw her delight though, I caught myself, and realized she was meeting the moment with deep awareness of joy, while I was robotically locked in an unproductive mindset. I walked outside and joined her for a minute of eating the snow in a spirit of both glee and connection. I need to make more choices like this one – even when the impulse is ingrained to keep her on track or stay on schedule. 


Letting Children Lead the Way

I remember when Selah was two, I got into the bad habit of trying to generate her next activity instead of giving her choices. Our aim was to keep her engaged, but it dawned on me that I was not letting her lead, which she was capable of. 

When I’d say something like, “Do you want to read or play with blocks next?” I could see from her body language that she wasn’t interested in either option. 

I then caught myself, and remembered how empowered students felt when they had greater choice and autonomy beyond some binary set of options. As I had often reminded my own father when he spent time with Selah, I told myself, Why not simply ask her what she wants to do? Moments later, the two of us were happily drawing together. 

As a colleague of mine put it,

“Parenting is about guiding your children to discover their own paths, not paving the way for them.”

The Power of Storytelling 

My daughter has loved stories from her earliest days. In fact, they were the key to her being collaborative and patient during diaper changes when she was a one-year-old. 

Whether we are in the car, she’s taking a bath, or we’ve just finished reading books and have turned out the lights, Selah wants a story. There is something captivating and nourishing for the soul about stories.

Every night, when we’ve finished the nighttime routine of bath, brushing teeth, and reading books together, I turn out the lights. Like clockwork, Selah’s final request is a story. 

I remember the awe and wholehearted engagement I observed in my students whenever we read stories together, and since Selah revealed her natural draw to stories I’ve used them with greater intentionality to meet an array of purposes (i.e. giving greater meaning to the day behind us, helping her learn from actions she took that were detrimental to another kid, sparking her imagination, etc.) 

As a bilingual teacher supporting my students’ English language development, one of the most effective tools I encountered to develop their writing and speaking abilities was an activity that asked them to narrate a portion of the day that had already transpired. I now regularly support Selah’s vocabulary and storytelling skills by simply inviting her to tell me stories from earlier that same day that are still resonating with her.  


Humor as a Bridge in Challenging Moments 

When Selah is whiny, disregulated, or resistant to whatever we are set to do next – similar to my experience in the classroom – the default response to her outbursts would be engaging in a power struggle by telling her to stop what she’s doing. 

In many moments, I’ve found it very effective to resist this natural response (which I still engage in all too often) and disrupt the moment with playful intensity or humor. For instance, if she is complaining about something, I will first echo her complaint and empathize. But if she persists, I sometimes exaggerate it to the point that it becomes comedic.  Dramatizing the moment is often positively disruptive and leads her to laugh and let go of and shift her energy. In other moments, I might use a silly voice or draw on a word that I know will make her laugh. 

A quick caveat – having spent 15 years training teachers, I’m mindful that humor shouldn’t be used to dismiss a child’s feelings. Often the right response is to acknowledge her feelings, ask questions about what she needs, or simply offer her affection. I remember from my teaching days the wisdom of “connection comes before correction,” and using humor often brings us quickly from tension to connection.

Conclusion

While parenting and teaching are very different roles, both ask us to slow down, listen deeply, and nurture curiosity, connection, and joy. In that way, the lessons that shaped me as an educator continue to deepen through the greatest classroom I’ve ever known: raising my daughter.

In the end, effective teaching and effective parenting are not separate crafts. They are variations of the same deeply human practice: showing up, again and again, with the belief that children are worthy of our time, our care, and our best selves.

For the last twenty-five years, I have worked to build a stronger bridge between families and teachers because it is a proven strategy for improving students’ learning and raising the odds that they will flourish in life. But now personally, I see that the connection is even stronger than I realized. We are all “on the same team” (to cite the title of my recent book). Kids do better when we learn from each other and act together in their best interest.

Ari Gerzon-Kessler is a speaker, trainer, and coach working with schools and districts committed to forging stronger school-family partnerships. He is the author of On The Same Team: Bringing Educators and Underrepresented Families Together, which won the Gold Medal for best education book of 2024. See his website to learn more about how he supports schools and communities or to receive his monthly newsletter.

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Posted on March 5, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Connection Over Correction; How Nervous System Safety Nurtures Essential Life Skills

By Guest Author Lauren Foster

The other night, my daughter, now 26, and I shared dinner in her apartment. Willow, her cat, curled up beside us as we talked about her day and, unexpectedly, her childhood. She asked me if I remembered the morning drives to school years ago and how I used to “coach” her as we approached the school drop-off line. I recalled how the speech-language pathologist in me would prompt social skills practice. Every morning, I’d share a variation of prompts:

“Who are you going to say hello to today?”
“Will you smile or wave?”
“What else could you say besides just ‘hi’—maybe ‘Have a good day!’?”

I thought I was teaching social confidence and kindness and was priming my baby in those elementary school days. Fast forward twenty-six years, and my daughter shared:

“Mom, I realize you were trying to help, but it didn’t feel good. It made me more nervous.”

There it was—a truth I didn’t see back then. Looking back now, I felt resistance in her responses but my nervous system, constantly charged, was in “do” mode. I wanted her to feel prepared, confident, and capable. I didn’t want her to feel shy and not be friendly. I have since learned that my coaching felt like pressure not support. My words came from love, but they missed the deeper need: connection. My nervous system wanted her to be okay and the message I was repeatedly giving her was that the way she wasn’t okay. That was not my intention.

When Good Intentions Collide with Dysregulation

My nervous system was perpetually on high alert—trying to juggle work, home, finances, and the enormous responsibility of raising a small human solo. This is not an excuse, but an observation. Polyvagal Theory helps explain: When our nervous system interprets the world as unsafe, we slip into “fight,” “flight,” or “freeze,” (now we also add “fawn”), limiting our capacity for connection.1 My coaching carried a subtle urgency. Not what I intended, wanted, or would wish for.

My daughter, meanwhile, was also dysregulated—navigating school transitions, sensory overload, and a new social world. Without meaning to, we were two nervous systems pinging off each other. This happens all of the time in families. 

When my daughter was about four-years-old, she socked me in the stomach. And – I mean – a real punch. She was not a hitter, so that moment jolted me awake. It led me to my first “Parenting with Peleg” class, grounded in Positive Discipline. From there, I dove into learning more from Positive Discipline, Conscious Discipline, the work of Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, and many others. I started to see behavior differently. I began to understand what was underneath it. I cannot go back and redo those early years, but I can acknowledge and validate her feelings now. And that is true for all of us. Parenting is not easy. If you are here, learning, reflecting, and trying to show up with more awareness and care, that matters.

We are all on a journey. I share this information with deep love and compassion – for our younger selves — those who did the best they could with what they had at the time.

The truth is: now is the best time to show up differently, to be present, to take ownership of our growth, and to make new choices. What I have come to realize is that the foundation of good parenting is your own personal development.

Maya Angelou said, “we do the best we can until we know better — and when we know better, we can do better.” Our nervous system is the foundation of our being. When we feel threatened, scared, or uncertain, the brain has less capacity for connection because its main focus is survival and it’s constantly scanning the environment for potential threats.

Children have meltdowns not because they want to defy us, but because they lack the words and self-regulation to manage big emotions. And when our own nervous systems are stretched thin, even normal childhood struggles — whining, negative self-talk, bedtime battles — can feel overwhelming, pushing us to correct instead of connect.

Looking back, I was holding on and doing the best I could, but I wasn’t equipped to connect before correcting or to understand before intervening 20 plus years ago when I was in survival mode. Awareness is the beginning of growth — and connection is always possible, starting right now.

Research by psychologist Dr. BG Mancini describes the family nervous system as a living network in which each member’s emotional state affects the group’s rhythm.2 When connection frays, stress spreads. When safety is restored, all members can re-regulate together. I didn’t know it then, but we were co-escalating instead of co-regulating. Pause. Deep breath.

How It Works: Connection Before Correction

Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson explain a simple but powerful truth in their book, No-Drama Discipline: a child must feel seen, soothed, and safe before they can learn.3 When the nervous system does not feel safe, the brain’s learning centers go offline. Nothing sticks.

Neuroscience and attachment research point to the same conclusion. Relationships drive regulation. Regulation opens the door to growth. I saw this play out on mornings when we had time. My daughter and I would take turns choosing a number from Louise Hay’s little Power Thoughts book and read the affirmation together.4 Those mornings felt different. Calmer. More connected. The day unfolded with more ease. At the time, I did not realize that this simple ritual was regulating our nervous systems and strengthening our connection. Now I know, it was not a coincidence. It was science at work.

When cues of safety are present—warm tone, eye contact, gentle facial expressions—the nervous system shifts into the state where curiosity, empathy, and communication thrive.1 This “connection mode” is the biological soil in which essential life skills bloom.  

From Correction to Curiosity

Looking back at those morning car rides, I was focused on coaching “friendly greetings” and social etiquette. I did not pause to consider that her nervous system might have been working hard just to manage the moment.

Instead of trying to shape her behavior, I could have led with curiosity:

“How does your body feel walking up to school?”
“Does anything feel tight or uncomfortable?”
“Would it help if I walked with you for a bit?”

Curiosity opens the door for understanding. Rather than controlling behavior, it invites collaboration and emotional attunement. Over time, that safety plants the seeds of self-awareness (“How am I feeling right now?”) and self-management (“What helps me calm down?”). Curiosity questions open the door for connection. This is authentic partnership. The adult sets limits (kind and firm), from connection instead of control. As attachment research has repeatedly shown, children internalize emotional regulation through warm, responsive presence.5

The Science of Co-Regulation

Co-regulation is the process by which an attuned adult helps a child’s nervous system return to safety.6 Parents often do this intuitively with babies. Think of your soothing tone, rocking, gentle touch, and more. This remains essential through adolescence. Dr. Siegel refers to it as “interpersonal neurobiology”, the way relationships shape the brain’s architecture.7

When we offer consistent signals of safety: eye contact, slow pace, routines—we are helping wire our child’s prefrontal cortex for flexible thinking, empathy, and impulse control. These are the building blocks of essential life skills such as:

  • Self-awareness: noticing body sensations and emotions
  • Self-management: practicing calming and grounding
  • Social awareness: understanding that others’ behavior often reflects nervous system states
  • Relationship skills: maintaining connection even during conflict
  • Responsible decision-making: choosing actions that align with safety, empathy, and respect.8

This is why “connection before correction” is a grounded strategy for social and emotional growth and is regulating for the adult as well as the child – of all ages. When we lead with empathy, we model the very competencies we hope to nurture in our children. It takes time and practice and it’s okay not to get it right all the time. We can repair harm at any time. We are human!

Making It Happen: Simple Connection Strategies for Caregivers

The 9-Minute Tool

Late neuroscientist Dr. Jaak Panksepp is widely credited for the theory which focuses on three key interactions each day to help a child feel happier and more secure.
The 3 times include:

  • The first 3 minutes after they wake up.
  • The first 3 minutes after they come home from school.
  • The last 3 minutes before they go to bed.

It’s less about the specific number of minutes and more about creating meaningful interactions. Some days it might be shorter or longer, the predictability and quality of attention matter most.

Transitions are often dysregulation hotspots. Create anchoring moments ahead of time:

  • A shared morning affirmation (Louise Hay’s I Think, I Am! is great for all ages.)
  • A five-minute “re-entry routine” after school—snack, music, or play before questions. Set up a consistent routine to soothe your child’s senses.
  • A bedtime gratitude or breathing ritual to close the day with calm connection.

When in a calm nervous system state, well after a meltdown, we can invite gentle reflection:
“What did your body feel like before?”
“What helped it feel safer?”
“What could we try next time?”

These caring questions help children make sense of their experiences, strengthening both emotional understanding (self awareness) and executive functioning.

That night, sitting with my daughter, I thanked her for her honesty. I also told her: “If I could revisit one morning, I’d put my hand on your arm, take a breath, and say, ‘You’ve got this, and I’m right here if you need me.’ “

Love this tool? Here are numerous simple and PRINTABLE tools to check out:

Connection before correction is not only for our children—it’s for us. Every moment we choose curiosity over control, compassion over compliance, we reshape our shared nervous system. Every repair we make becomes a signal of safety, an invitation to growth. We are all connected. It’s never too late to start.

References:
  1. Porges, S. W. (2018). The pocket guide to the polyvagal theory: The transformative power of feeling safe. W.W. Norton & Company.
  2. Mancini, B. G. (2021). The family nervous system: The science of co-regulation and resilience. Family Science Review, 26(2), 45–62.
  3. Bryson, T. P., & Siegel, D. J. (2014). No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam Books.
  4. Hay, L. (2005). Power Thoughts; 365 Daily Affirmations. Hay House. 
  5. Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2018). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
  6. Mancini, B. G. (2021). The family nervous system: The science of co-regulation and resilience. Family Science Review, 26(2), 45–62.
  7. Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
  8. Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL). (2020). What is SEL? https://casel.org/what-is-sel

Lauren Foster, MS, CCC SLP, CNHP, is a speech language pathologist, holistic health practitioner, and family enrichment coach who supports neurodivergent families through a strengths-based, nervous system informed approach. She is the founder of The Powerful Project, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that funds mental health services for neurodivergent teens and young adults, and co-leads The Connected Family Community, providing families with practical tools for regulation, executive functioning, and meaningful connection in everyday life. You can find out more about Lauren’s coaching practice here. Lauren is a mom, stepmom, and Bubbe to an incredible 10-year-old Autistic grandson, and splits her time between Georgia and South Carolina.


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Posted on February 26, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Learning With Our Children and Teens This Centennial Black History Month

Original Photo by William Lovelace/Express/Getty Images with Illustration by Jennifer Miller

This month, we recognize 100 years of elevating black history in the month of February. The theme for Black History Month is “A Century of Black History Commemorations.” Dr. Carter G. Woodson, a pioneering historian, educator, and author of the book “Father of Black History,” first established “Negro History Week” in 1926. Dr. Woodson, raised by his parents who were former slaves, devoted his life’s work and study — earning a doctorate from Harvard — to researching, learning, and preserving Black history.

This month encourages all of us to educate our children and learn for ourselves much of what we likely did not learn through our own schooling — the full history of the American story and indeed our World’s story and how it has both impacted Black lives and how Black lives have shaped history.

We encourage you to consider: How are you, in your own role, explicitly seeking to understand our history with Black Americans or as a Black American and what are you doing to create a more just world?

Certainly, teaching our children about the history of slavery, the actions and champions of nonviolent change, the important work of abolitionists and understanding white privilege historically and currently is an important start. In order to maximize your support as you engage with your family or students, we are listing a wide range of resources here.

  • Check out the Smithsonian’s National Museum of African-American History and Culture. Try out their interactive map with your family to explore the various destinations through the U.S. where Black Americans were trailblazers of every kind — in communities, in the arts, politics, sports, and more. They’ve also curated podcasts and other quick bite resources for Black History Month. Check them out here!
  • This year, the humanitarian and civil rights leader Jesse Jackson died at the age of 84. His legacy will live on. Learn more about his life and impact.
  • Check out this extensive list of anti-racism resources including articles, webinars, podcasts, books, professional development and guidance on talking about race and anti-racism with children and teens from the American School Counselors Association. 
  • Inspired by our United States’ National Youth Poet Laureate, Amanda Gorman, check out this Facing History and Ourselves’ lesson plan for students grades 6-12, and an article on a young Cleveland poet’s reactions to her poem, “The Hill We Climb.”
  • Teaching Tolerance’s Coshandra Dillard, provides insights here about focusing on liberation, creativity, and the identities and incredible contributions made by Black Americans. 
  • Our family has made a number of trips to the National Underground Railroad Freedom Center in my original hometown, Cincinnati, Ohio to learn and experience together. They have numerous online resources including understanding slavery today and how to get involved in being an abolitionist.

Get to Know Organizations That Provide Education on Black History and Promote Racial Healing and Justice

LiberatED – This organization does important work with schools, youth, and communities to promote racial healing and justice. Learn more about the work on LiberatED, join their newsletter, and learn ways you can get involved.

Facing History and Ourselves – This organization works globally with middle and high schools to provide tools and resources to support learning. They “use lessons of history to challenge teachers and their students to stand up to racism, antisemitism, and other forms of bigotry and hate.” They offer lessons that not only teach historical events, people, and places but also promote empathy, dialogue, critical thinking, ethical decision-making and compassion. If you homeschool or simply want to supplement your child’s learning at home, their resource library is extensive! Check it out!

Southern Poverty Law Center; Learning for Justice – This organization was founded in 1971 as a small law firm in the deep south in order to stand up for civil rights. It has since grown as an education and thought leader and emphasizes shared purpose and community around racial justice. Check out their articles and resources from some of the top thinkers in today’s civil rights movement.

Learn about Black Americans Who Shaped Our History

We have not heard enough about the Black Americans who have shaped American history in every area of our lives including politics, law, religion, music, fine art, athletics, science, innovation, and more. Test your own knowledge and see how many you can name! Then, be sure and share these profiles with your family.

12 Notable Figures in Black History: Photos: https://www.history.com/articles/black-history-key-figures

9 Leaders from Black History You Should Know: https://www.facinghistory.org/ideas-week/9-leaders-black-history-you-should-know

31 History-Making Black Americans Everyone Should Know: https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/g25954127/african-american-historical-figures/

How will you give your family an experience of Black history this month to deepen your empathy, compassion, understanding of justice?

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Posted on February 19, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Reduce Angry Outbursts in Your Household

by Maurice J. Elias, PhD.

We all have felt strong feelings of anger when we are stressed and edgy, and when our children begin to whine or do things that irritate us. That anger rises when they don’t respond to our requests for them to stop.  As our anger builds, it is as if each annoying event acts as a mini-trigger to sustain and intensify the anger we are feeling.  When feelings of anger get to a certain point, they are extremely hard to contain.  This is what Dan Goleman describes in his book, Emotional Intelligence, as our becoming “emotionally hijacked.”

These are the times when we might find ourselves doing and saying things that we would never think possible when we are more relaxed and self-controlled.  If this is true for adults, then we cannot be surprised that it happens to children, who have far less experience than we do at trying to successfully manage their anger. Unfortunately, the more stress there is in a family’s life, the greater the chance that angry emotions will spill out. 

What can families do to reduce angry outbursts?

Tip Number One:  Learn Everyone’s Feelings’ Fingerprints

“Feelings Fingerprints” is a name for the earliest signals our bodies send us when we are starting to feel angry.  Maybe your face gets red or hot.  Some of your kids might clench their fists, or find that their breathing gets very heavy.  There is always a bodily signal. The first step is to help everyone in the family notice and keep track of their own signals. Once you know your Feelings Fingerprint, you can begin to plan what to do as soon as you start to notice it…instead of having an angry outburst.

Tip Number Two:   Control Your Reactions

We all have more control over our anger than we think.  Imagine this:  you and your children are having an argument with lots of screaming.  A neighbor comes to the door and… what happens?  Chances are, everyone will stop. And the longer the neighbor stays, the less likely you all are to pick up where you left off.  What does this mean?  It means that while it’s very hard to avoid being angry, family members– starting with parents who must serve as role models– can try to limit any harmful expression of their anger.  We have 5 chances to do this:

  1. Control your initial reaction: ask yourself, “Is this really something to be angry about?” and “Do I have a full sense of others’ perspectives? Is my reaction feeling fair?”
  2. Control your initial response:  “What can I say or do that will be most helpful now?”
  3. Control your reaction to another’s response to your anger: if your anger has led to an angry response, which is typical, your next choice point comes: “How can I keep this from getting worse and worse?”
  4. Control of your next reactions:  “How can I bring some calmness to what is happening?”
  5. Apologizing for what you said or did:  when anger does occur, it’s still useful to let your children know that things may have been done or said in anger that were not meant.  The alternative is to let your children think you DID mean everything that happened.  

Tip Number Three:  Bring Humor Into Your Household

Humor reduces anger.  Households in which humor has a strong and regular place find anger is expressed less harshly and less often.  Some ideas for bringing humor into you house include:

Big smiles from Author Maurice Elias with his wife and grandkids

Cut off cartoon captions and write and draw your own comics.  This can be a fun family activity.  A related fun game is Mad-Libs, where everyone creates a story by providing words representing certain parts of speech in a fill-in-the-banks format.  Mad-Libs are available in most book and card stores or on line.

Have a humor corner in your house or classroom.  Place pictures, books, and whatever else people find funny in your designated corner.  

Have a laugh break.   This can really help at homework time,  especially when kids are stuck.  Short audio or video segments involving humor, or time to read from humorous books or cartoons, can really make a huge difference in a situation that can bring out a lot of anger. It is hard, frustrating, and ineffective to just sit there and “keep trying” when one is truly stuck.  Humor is energizing, encourages creativity, and puts us in an optimistic frame of mind.   This is exactly what kids need when they get back to that homework assignment.     

Tip Number Four:  A Day Without Expressing Anger

This may seem difficult, but let’s go back to the neighbor scenario.  Think about what happens when your child does something to annoy you when you are with a neighbor… you usually can control your reaction.  Well…what if the neighbor stayed for an entire day?  

Parents, make an agreement that you are going to go an entire day without expressing your anger directly to your children.  (Parents, if angry, can instead express in a journal or take a walk and express with a friend.) Don’t worry about your children getting the wrong message from this.  You probably wouldn’t do this all the time, but you might want to bring it into your household routine once a week, or so.  By the way, you might want to practice for two days in advance before you do it for real.  It’s not as easy as you think, but the results might surprise you! 

Relevant Books by Maurice Elias:

Emotionally Intelligent Parenting (with 10 international editions and a Kindle version in Spanish) — This book provides specific guidance to parents based on the research in emotional intelligence and social and emotional learning, focusing on problem solving, emotion regulation, empathy, and managing everyday parenting situations from discipline to household responsibilities to school matters.

The Joys and Oys of Parenting—This book shows parents how to create a family climate characterized by appreciation, gratitude, helping, responsibility, and stress-reducing routines

Maurice J. Elias, Ph.D., is Professor, Psychology Department, Rutgers University, Director, Social-Emotional and Character Development Lab (www.secdlab.org), Co-Director of the Rutgers-based Academy for SEL in Schools, which offers online certificates in SEL Instruction and School Leadership (SELinSchools.org). Among his favorite books are Emotionally Intelligent Parenting, which is available in English, Spanish (as a Kindle edition), and other languages, Talking Treasure:  Stories to Help Build Emotional Intelligence and Resilience in Young Children, a collaboration with beloved storytellers (Research Press), and The Joys & Oys of Parenting (Behrman House).  

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Posted on February 16, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Parent-Teen Connection Online Conference — Starting Tomorrow

I love this collection of diverse experts who bring a wide range of practical ideas to living and raising teens for well-being and thriving. We all know that it can be an incredibly challenging time for parents and teens alike. Find support here in this rich online conference by Happily Family. You’ll discover topics like:

  • Helping Teens Navigate Friendships Online with Roselind Wiseman, Author of Queen Bees and Wannabees (inspiration for the movie “Mean Girls”)
  • How to Prevent Addiction with Jessica Lahey, author of The Gift of Failure
  • The Gender Revolution: How to Support LGBT + Youth with Jo Langford, Therapist, Author, The Pride Guide
  • How to Help Teens Get Off Video Games without using Consequences with Dr. Ross Greene, author of The Explosive Child
  • The Real Cost of Social Media; Protecting your Teen’s Mental Health in a Digital World with Max Stossel, Filmmaker for the Center for Humane Technology
  • Parenting with Presence in an Age of Anxiety with Jennifer Miller, author of Confident Parents, Confident Kids

Join free today at the following link! Thank you Jason and Cecilia Hilkey of Happily Family for creating the opportunity for this important dialogue series!

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Posted on February 10, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Valuable Lessons from the Walk for Peace

Perhaps you’ve caught a glimpse on the news or in social media of the so-far 108-day Walk for Peace that 20 monks are leading along with a stray dog turned one walker, “Aloka,” meaning “light.” They began their walk on October 26, 2025 at their monastery in Fort Worth, Texas and have travelled 2,300 miles all the way to Washington D.C. today. They walk to promote compassion, unity, and peace. They stop to rest, eat meals, and speak to a wide range of communities. When they do, they speak about why they are walking. They say that peace begins within each one of us and also, in family life. They’ve walked (some with bare feet, others with sandals) on ice, snow, and in sub-zero temperatures. They walk often in silence because their walking is a meditation. In a country and world where violence and injustice are far too common, the simple act of walking across country — giving out their flowers and blessing cords — offers great comfort and solace to many. 

As I listened to their words, it reinforced again that the proving ground — where peace is learned and practiced — is home – and in family life. With those we love and count on daily, we have the chance to practice over and again the hardest, most challenging skills. These skills have two layers — our own practices and how we teach our children — and they remain inextricably linked, interdependent. These may include:

  • returning to a centered, focused, grounded place in your body, heart, and spirit;
  • dealing with darker or more uncomfortable emotions constructively;
  • solving problems collaboratively with loved ones;
  • learning from differences in opinions;
  • approaching differences with curiosity and care:
  • working through disagreements in healthy ways;
  • taking ownership of one’s own roles and feelings in a problem;
  • seeking empathy and understanding for another’s pain or role in a conflict;
  • holding paradox with grace and patience such as, my emotional needs may conflict with your needs;
  • repairing harm when we are the cause of hurt or harm;
  • clearing the air directly with the individual in conflict versus avoiding or circumventing by going to others;
  • seeking and offering forgiveness; and 
  • restoring trust and deepening connection.

Because the monks’ lessons about peace are fundamental, there’s much we can learn for ourselves and promote with our families. Here are just a few reflections from this important Walk for Peace.

– Peace is an inside job. No one can do it for you. That means that pursuing ways of calming your inner space matter…for yourself and in teaching your children and teens. Whether you meditate, use a calm app, deep breathe, or do yoga, each of us is responsible for creating our own inner peace.

– Peace is a family responsibility. The monks have shared that they believe that family life is where peace is taught and practiced. How? In the midst of chaos or conflict, working together on peaceful ways to speak to one another and work through conflict becomes an essential set point for how to act when not at home and out in the world. The ripple effect from our teaching peace in family life is immeasurable.

– Peace is active. Peace — though we may think of it as a calm state of being — is not a passive state but requires intention and action.

– Peace can be taught and practiced. In fact, when Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was getting started with the civil rights movement, many followers encouraged violent retaliation. Dr. King travelled in person to India to meet with Mahatma Gandhi, a champion of nonviolent demonstration and civil disobedience, to learn about how to lead a nonviolent movement. Our own teaching of our children matters greatly as they encounter divergent views and those who might cause harm. How do children respond in ways that do not escalate the conflict or create more harm and also, keep them safe? Family life is the place for our very own peace curriculum. See resources below to get started!

At the moment of this writing, the monks are visiting a school in Washington D.C. speaking about the purpose of their walk. If you want to follow their journey, check out the link below. Also, they plan to do a livestream of a global loving kindness meditation. If you have the chance, join in yourself or with your family and contribute to the cause.

Here’s more on the livestream of the loving kindness meditation.

The livestream video will be available on this page at the time mentioned in the post below.

Join with the Walk for Peace Monks in a Global Loving-Kindness Meditation – Feb 11, 2026

We warmly invite everyone from everywhere in our nation and the whole world to join us for a special loving-kindness meditation session with us and Venerable Bhikkhu Pannakara.

  Wednesday, February 11, 2026 (Our Day 109)

  4:30–7:30 PM EST

  George Washington University Smith Center

  Online Livestream

This meditation session will be livestreamed on their Facebook page and website so that everyone can join them at the same time, no matter where you are in the world.

The Monks’ message about this event:

With the collective loving-kindness meditation from everyone in the whole world, it will make a significant effect on our world. When thousands of hearts meditate together in the same moment, our loving-kindness ripples outward, touching hearts, healing wounds, and planting seeds of peace everywhere. Whether you join us in person or online from your home—your presence matters. Your meditation matters. Your loving-kindness matters.

Please mark your calendars and invite your friends, family, and community to join. Together, we will join in meditation and send loving-kindness to all beings everywhere.

Livestream available on:

Facebook: Walk for Peace

Website: https://dhammacetiya.com/walk-for-peace/global-meditation/

Some resources for teaching peace in family life:

Family Emotional Safety Plan – This is a tool in which you can plan for heated emotions and how you will calm down before trying to respond.

Fighting Fairly Family Pledge – This lists the kinds of fighting we need to avoid that cause harm and also lists the kinds of fighting that are generative, promote greater communication, conflict resolution and healthy relationships. The whole family can sign the pledge to become intentional about doing it together.

Make a Peace Rose – Whether you make or buy and designate a peace rose in your home, this article will help you prepare your children to use it. When they are fighting, one goes and gets the rose and offers it to the other. This gesture means “let’s work this out together.” They learn, through experience, a process for collaboratively resolving their problems.

Use the Traffic Light Model – Practice the traffic light model as a game first and then, encourage family members to use it when conflict arises. Check it out!

For Parents, check out this essential book:

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg and Arun Gandhi

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Posted on February 2, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Happy Groundhog Day! Disrupting Patterns with the Same Parent-Child Battles

A parent at a workshop expressed, “My son talks back and it gets me so mad. I know I’m probably contributing to his acting out but it sets me off every time.” “It feels like my daughter tries to get me upset. Why would she do that?” another lamented. When we have identified patterns in our children’s behavior that we want to change — particularly those that push our hottest buttons — how do we change them?

In fact, that is the time when we have to examine our own reactions. Consider that children’s behavior will indeed change when adults’ reactions change. There may be an adjustment period as they experience you differently but ultimately, children will adapt to their caregiver’s choices and reactions. The good news is that our reaction is something we can control. The challenge for us then becomes how do we change, and how do we know what behaviors to shift toward in order to elicit a more constructive reaction? You might ask the following key questions:

  • What patterns in my child’s behaviors do I want to change?
  • What behaviors would I like to see my child adopt instead in those same circumstances?
  • How can my reactions to their undesirable behaviors demonstrate the behaviors I would like to see in them – so that I am modeling what I want to see reflected back to me?

“I know what I don’t want to do, but I’m not sure what I can do instead.” said a parent as we further discussed challenges. Often it is easier to look back on the experiences from our childhood and know exactly what we don’t want to repeat. But if we haven’t explored the connections between our current parenting challenges and our experiences as children related to similar issues, we may – consciously or unconsciously – repeat them. We get caught up in a cycle of shame and guilt and then fear and regret when we feel out of control with our children and at times, ourselves.

And there’s brain science to explain why that occurs. Our experiences from our own childhoods are part of our mental wiring. That’s why when children challenge us, we feel it can bring out our worst selves. Parenting from the Inside Out authors explain it this way:

Experiences that are not fully processed may create unresolved and leftover issues that influence how we react to our children…When this happens our responses toward our children often take the form of strong emotional reactions, impulsive behaviors, distortions in our perceptions or sensations in our bodies. These intense states of mind impair our ability to think clearly and remain flexible and affect our interactions and relationships with our children.1

The good news is that patterns can be changed. You can get out of that cycle of shame, guilt, fear and regret. Countless individuals have been able to raise their children in ways that align with their values, changing patterns from their pasts. These individuals are sons and daughters of parents with mental illness, alcoholism and drug addiction and the behaviors that are associated with those illnesses including emotional and physical violence and abuse. Parents with those kinds of experiences as part of their childhood story may not perpetuate an addiction themselves but be quickly wounded when a child lashes out and may be prone to lash back.

So the big question is “How do you change those patterns?” The only path to truly addressing patterns we don’t want to repeat is through self-awareness, intentionality, goal setting, practice (a.k.a. diligent work on it) and a commitment to continual learning. Perhaps that means seeking a counselor to share your childhood story with to work on processing themes from your past. Perhaps that means journaling, reading and reflecting on how you can heal your own wounds. Certainly it requires learning about how you will replace the old behaviors with new behaviors. Instead of yelling when my child won’t get out of the door on time and we are going to be late for school, what can I do? What can I say? And most importantly, how can I help myself deal with my own emotions in that moment so that I am able to bring a better self to the moment?

Build your own self-awareness first.
We all have blind spots – aspects of ourselves we are simply too close to see. That is why seeking support is so critical. Coaches, counselors, therapists and other mental health professionals are trained to listen to our stories and then reflect our blind spots back to us to help raise our self-awareness.

Have you ever said something that, perhaps, had been in your mind but never articulated out loud? And when you did say it out loud to another person, just the act of articulating it gave you your own “aha” insight into yourself. Those moments of raised self-awareness are essential if we are going to grow as parents and bring the selves we want to bring to our children. In addition to talking with a trained professional, reflection is another way to raise self-awareness. Use a journal dedicated solely to parenting and understanding what you bring to parenting from your own childhood. Write out links between your current challenges and how those same kinds of challenges were handled when you were young. Here are a few questions to get you started:

  • What are the behaviors your children exhibit that challenge you the most?
  • How do you feel when those behaviors occur?
  • What actions do you typically take when they occur? What words do you usually use?
  • Do those words and actions align with your values in life and for parenting? Do they align with what you want to teach your child? How do you know? Here’s the ultimate test — If your child repeated your words and actions in public, would you be glad, proud or ashamed, guilty or angry? If the latter is the case, then it’s time to re-evaluate.
  • Consider those current kid behaviors that challenge you in the context of your own childhood. Did you exhibit those behaviors? If so, how did your parents react to you? How did you feel in those moments?
  • And did your parents happen to act in a similar challenging way (to those kid behaviors)? If so, how? And when they did act that way, how did you feel at the time? How did you react at the time? Is it similar to your current reactions to your children?
  • If you have discovered through your reflections that your words and actions do not align with your values and have uncovered childhood wounds, how can you first address those hurts? How can you deal with them, work to understand them and be compassionate toward the child you were? Consider whether you might need support on the journey toward healing.
  • Then, how can you accept that your big feelings – when your child acts out – are reasonable considering your upbringing?
  • Finally, how can you find ways to learn about dealing with your current feelings in the moments of great challenge? How can you learn what words and actions would align with your values as a parent? And how can you begin to practice new ways of being?

___________________________________

Gretchen Rubin, author of Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of our Everyday Lives studied what we can do and has a helpful set of suggestions. 2 Though many of her examples are related to weight loss and getting physically healthy, they translate well into parenting habits we want to replace. She offers some helpful supports for making desired changes and I offer my parenting spin on the following.

Define your goal. First, she writes that it matters whether you are prevention or promotion-oriented. So consider, do you prefer to stop eating junk foods or do you prefer to start eating healthy foods? It may seem like semantics but the way you frame your goal or intention will help you follow through on it and stay motivated. If you are prevention oriented, your goal may be to stop the yelling. If you are promotion oriented, your goal may focus on promoting calming down strategies when family members are upset.

Learn. An important part of changing patterns is learning how to act differently. We cannot do that without seeking outside resources. Explore sites, articles and books that seem to be in alignment with your values and spend time learning about what has worked for others. In addition, be certain that you include reading about your own child’s developmental milestones. So often, challenging kid behaviors are related to their learning and developmental process so your understanding of those issues will extend your empathy, compassion and patience.

Experiment for a Limited Timeframe. We learn new ways to parent just as we learn other skills in life often, best through trial and error. Why not decide on a plan for how you will react next time that predicable, but undesirable pattern crops up and you get angry at your child? How can you plan to react differently just for one week? What will you do? For example, you could utter aloud “stop,” for your own benefit and your child’s and go inside yourself to calm down and recall your plan before reacting with anger. Ask yourself, “what’s my child’s motivation here? How can I build empathy for their misguided attempts at attention or power? And how can I help them achieve attention or power positively, constructively?” Set short timeframes – even a day or two – and help yourself become successful in trying out new strategies. Keep what works and then…

Create a ritual or routine. Rubin writes about the virtue of starting with a clean slate, meaning finding a time in life that is already a turning point (a move, a new job, a new grade level for your child) and begin your change at that point. But you need not wait for a major life change to get started. You can create one by developing a ritual or establishing a routine. Want to yell less? Perhaps you create a routine of “inside voice level” talk with your whole family. Ask members, “How can we help each other to remember to keep our voices at a reasonable level?” and “What can we do to calm down when we are getting angry at one another?” If you decide that each family member agrees to take five deep breathes in the midst of a conflict, then practice and make it a routine. Each time there’s a disagreement, before it escalates too far, remind each other to take five deep breathes. Do what you can to help yourself remember so that you become consistent with your new routine. This not only supports changing your behavior, it also changes your brain wiring as you act with consistency. And in turn, your children will react accordingly.

Take care. Changing an undesirable pattern takes focus, commitment, persistence and hard work. That means that if you are sleep deprived, you are going to be much less likely to have the capacity to follow through on your new routines or practices. If you are serious about changing a pattern, then you need to get serious about your own self care at the same time. Rubin writes that

It’s helpful to begin with habits that most directly strengthen our self-control: these habits serve as the foundation of all our habits. They protect us from getting so physically taxed or mentally frazzled that we can’t manage ourselves. 2

– Gretchen Rubin, “Better Than Before; Mastering the Habits of our Everyday Lives”

These habits are ones that help us to sleep, move, eat and drink right and unclutter. It may feel like an onslaught of goals to try and tackle a parenting challenge along with eating healthier. But the truth is one will support the other. The aforementioned areas will help reinforce other patterns you are trying to change by meeting your physical and emotional basic needs allowing you to focus on your goal – your desired behavioral changes.

Schedule it. If it’s in the calendar, it gets done. It’s just that simple. If it’s not in the calendar, it’s not likely to be accomplished. So go ahead and book your practice toward achieving your goal. Maybe you put in your calendar practicing deep breathing for five minutes each day after you drop your child off at school. Maybe you schedule your practice with your child after school to bring some accountability to your practice. I find if I am focused on teaching my son, I am much more committed to the task. Writing down a regular time to practice implementing the new behavior will assist you in following through and actually doing it.

Establish accountability. Certainly you are accountable to that sweet face that is your child and she is what likely incited you to develop a goal in the first place. However it is helpful to establish multiple points of accountability to support you and keep you on track. Rubin writes that

Accountability is a powerful factor in habit formation, and a ubiquitous feature in our lives. If we believe that someone’s watching, we behave differently. 2

– Gretchen Rubin

So how can you make yourself accountable? One first step is to let all family members know that you are working on yelling less and require their support. If they’ve noticed you’ve yelled that day, you could ask for them to give you that feedback, gently and kindly, by the day’s end. You could agree upon a hand signal to use that will help everyone moderate their voices. I often use a kitchen timer to help me remain on task or remind me to change gears. How can you find a way to make yourself accountable?

Recognize steps. No one person can skip from A to Z, from failing to succeeding, from irate to fully calm. But it’s critical that we recognize our steps along the way to keep up our motivation. We have to see some progress to feel like we can forge ahead. So be realistic about your steps forward. Recognize when you have made changes, even if small, even if for one day. Call it out to family members or write it down in your calendar. “My child came home from school and had a frustration meltdown. I kept calm and didn’t yell.” Those small steps represent your progress toward permanent habit changes. Give yourself credit for each step of the way.

One of my favorite quotes from experts on change is “When change is successful, it is the quality of the little things that makes the final difference.” 3 Becoming a parent helps uncover our identity in a way that no other experience can. If we embrace that fact as an opportunity for greater learning and development, we can become the person and the parent we truly want to be.

References

  1. Siegel, D. & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out, How a Deeper Self Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. NY: Penguin Group.
  2. Rubin, G. (2015). Better than Before, Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives. London, UK: Two Roads Books.
  3. Hall, G.E. & Hord, S.M. (2001). Implementing Change, Patterns, Principles and Potholes. Needham Heights, MA: Allyn and Bacon.

Originally published March 3, 2016.

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Posted on January 29, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

At Confident Parents, We Believe… Last Day, Call for Writers!

At Confident Parents, Confident Kids…We believe:

  • the pen is mightier than the sword.
  • our words can be transformative for parents.
  • we are an important part of the village parents require.
  • we need more wisdom and support for parents.
  • parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world.
  • parents influence our world in vital ways.
  • we champion this next generation and prepare them to lead us to a better world when we support parents now.
  • in starting a revolution right at home with your own children by teaching them essential life skills in knowing who they are, how they can create and sustain healthy relationships, and how they can make responsible decisions and contribute to making the world a better place.

Thank you to the educators, psychologists and #SEL experts who have already shared ideas for writing this season. You have one more day! Ideas are due tomorrow Friday, January 30th by C.O.B. for publishing an article with us this winter or spring. Here’s more below.. Or learn more here: https://confidentparentsconfidentkids.org/invitation-for-articles/.

Eager to reflect on how what you are learning professionally about advancing children’s and/or teen’s development along with essential life skills?

We hope you’ll consider writing an article for Confident Parents, Confident Kids! All authors must have credentials/experience in education and/or psychology with background in child or adolescent development and be actively parenting in your own home. A diverse range of perspectives is encouraged. Articles must align with the research base.

The site enjoys daily visitors from 152 countries around the world and a follow-ship of more than 24,000. Help initiate important dialogue making the connection between parenting at each age and stage and your children’s (and your own!) development. 

If interested, please email confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com with the subject line: “Article Idea from an Educator!” Please include your idea (parenting opportunity/challenge), how it connects to a life skill building opportunity (in your child and yourself!), and the ages/stages of children you are writing about. Also, please include a short bio or resume.

All proposed ideas are due by January 30, 2026. We’ll review and get back to you on whether you’ll be published this winter/spring by February 5, 2026.

We hope you’ll join our parent-led community of practice by contributing! We are so excited to learn from how you are bringing to life the science of child and adolescent development to benefit your children in your own personal parenting!

All the best,
Jennifer Miller, M.Ed., Founder and…

Senior Lead Writers: Shannon Wanless, Jason Miller, Jenny Woo, Mike Wilson, Nikkya Hargrove, and Lorea Martinez

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Posted on January 22, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Call for Articles!

Confident Parents, Confident Kids “merits the attention of anyone working in social, emotional and character development who wants a place to send parents for ideas and advice and dialogue.”

– Maurice Elias, Professor of Psychology; Director, Rutgers Social-Emotional and Character Development Lab; Co-Director, Rutgers Collaborative Center for Community-Based Research and Service

Eager to reflect on how what you are learning professionally about advancing children’s and/or teen’s development along with essential life skills?

We hope you’ll consider writing an article for Confident Parents, Confident Kids! All authors must have credentials/experience in education and/or psychology with background in child or adolescent development and be actively parenting in your own home. A diverse range of perspectives is encouraged. Articles must align with the research base.

The site enjoys daily visitors from 152 countries around the world and a follow-ship of more than 24,000. Help initiate important dialogue making the connection between parenting at each age and stage and your children’s (and your own!) development. 

If interested, please email confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com with the subject line: “Article Idea from an Educator!” Please include your idea (parenting opportunity/challenge), how it connects to a life skill building opportunity (in your child and yourself!), and the ages/stages of children you are writing about. Also, please include a short bio or resume.

You can learn more here: https://confidentparentsconfidentkids.org/invitation-for-articles/. All proposed ideas are due by January 29, 2026. We’ll review and get back to you on whether you’ll be published this winter/spring by February 5, 2025.

We hope you’ll join our parent-led community of practice by contributing! We are so excited to learn from how you are bringing to life the science of child and adolescent development to benefit your children in your own personal parenting!

All the best,
Jennifer Miller, M.Ed., Founder and…

Senior Lead Writers: Shannon Wanless, Jason Miller, Jenny Woo, Mike Wilson, Nikkya Hargrove, and Lorea Martinez

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Posted on January 19, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Teaching our Children about Living Dr. King’s Vision

When we think of the civil rights movement or we consider our current circumstances, we may think of a country divided. But Martin Luther King Jr.’s message and the vision that galvanized so many to act bravely in the face of fear, consisted of values that any person in any corner of the world can aspire to. They are values that, when lived, have the potential to unify. So when you are talking with your children today about why we celebrate Martin Luther King Jr., be sure and include those values that he articulated and modeled and that so many were able to demonstrate through their actions. Think about small ways in which you might demonstrate those values in your day-to-day life. If you do so, you will be honoring the memory of all those throughout time whose lives and livelihoods were threatened and despite that, made choices that aligned with the best of who we can be.

Martin Luther King Jr. valued:

Hope. He said, “We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” It’s incredibly easy to complain about our life circumstances. But if we view ourselves as individuals with choices who can learn from our mistakes, we begin to take responsibility for our actions. And we can work on forgiving those who have hurt us. We can reflect on and evaluate our mistakes so that they become our curriculum. And with that learning mindset, we have hope. Because there’s always a chance to grow wiser and make better decisions. We want our children too to learn that there’s always a second chance. There’s always room to grow and give our best. And there’s always an opportunity to contribute who we are to better the world around us.

Ask: When we approach a problem with our children, do we show hope (or do we show a resignation or feel they might let us down)? How can we incorporate expressions of hope? How can we increase encouraging words and our show of confidence that each family member can make positive choices?

Small Actions: Your reactions to your children’s problems model how they will learn to deal with problems so it’s worth reflecting on those reactions. Consider one time you had a problem with your child. For example, perhaps she got frustrated with her math homework and refused to do it. Think about how you reacted. Now re-imagine that same scenario with you expressing and demonstrating hope. Think through exactly what you might say instead. For example, “I hear you are frustrated. But I know you are capable of doing it and more. It just may take some time and focus.”

Character. He said, “The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character – that is the goal of true education.” Character is the true expression of an individual, their integrity. It means knowing and expressing who we are – self-awareness – which requires regular reflection. It also means regularly examining ways we can fine-tune who we are and how we express to benefit ourselves and others. So morality or ethics is a critical part of the equation. We only pursue the ways in which our lives can contribute to the deepening of our individual expression and measure that in terms of how it also contributes to the growth and development of others and the environment.

Ask: What are ways in which we promote the character of our children in our family life? How do we encourage responsibility? How do we offer choices to give our children practice with thinking about consequences? How do we guide our children to consider others’ perspectives in any given problem? How do we offer a model of empathy and compassion by expressing others’ viewpoints ourselves?

Small Actions: Though children may experience an inner voice, they do yet have an understanding of their inner moral compass and how it may steer them. In addition, that sense of ethics is constantly changing in all of us – being informed by our environment and by learning from past challenges. So consider how often you guide reflection with your children. Do you ask them questions about their thinking? Do you ask them about their choices and the impact on themselves and others? Those reflections will help promote a child’s thinking skills so that they learn to go through those mental processes on their own when faced with difficult decisions. Find ways to practice reflective thinking with them and those experiences will significantly contribute to their ability to handle problems at home, at school and in the future lives.

Equality. He said, “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” We can share with our children the value of equality. Though there are differences among every one of us, there are more aspects of who we are that unite us. Every person has the right and responsibility to express who she or he truly is.

Ask: How can you demonstrate equality in family life? How can you help children understand equality not as sameness but as appreciation and respect for all? How can you teach your children inclusion?

Small Actions: Work on observing your own informal talk around your home. Are you expressing critical judgements about others? If so, children learn that judging others is acceptable. How can you begin to notice your language? And when you do, how can you incorporate the language of acceptance of differences, perspective-taking and compassion? When others challenge you, search for ways to learn more about yourself, others, and the experience.

Peace. He said, “Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal.” We still live in a world in which many believe that violence can teach, that violence can solve problems. Martin Luther King Jr. taught that it’s impossible to use violence to end violence. Instead peace must be the vehicle for establishing peace. So many of us have inner turmoil we are actively managing day to day. As we work on dealing with our own pain and suffering, we make regular choices about how we cope and process those feelings. If we stuff them down and allow them to build and finally explode, then we are putting our loved ones in danger. Instead, we can set boundaries for fighting in family life such as, “We will never use violence or physical harm of any kind in our arguments.” And we can plan for our upset emotions ahead of time so that we never risk hurting family members. We can find ways to express and let go of our hurt in safe, constructive ways over time.

Did you know language can be violent as well? Criticims, contempt, blame, character defamation, sarcasm, defensiveness, and mockery can all do harm to another person. They are violent forms of language. Yet, it’s likely we’ve encountered violent language so much in our lives that it can come naturally to us. So we have to unlearn some old patterns in order to use safe language. For more, check out the bestselling book by Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication; A Language of Life with a foreward by Arun Gandhi, grandson of one of the world’s more influential nonviolent leaders, Mahatma Gandhi — who also directly instructed Dr. King on nonviolence.

Ask: How can promote peace in my family life? How can my words become more empowering and less accusatory? How can my tone of voice become one of inspiration, not condemnation? And how can my smallest actions particularly when angry show that I value peace as the vehicle for promoting peace in the world?

Small Actions: The best way each of us can promote peace in the world is by starting in our family lives by not harming those we love through words or actions. Becoming planful about how we manage our emotions can save us from ever regretting our reactions in heated moments. Please visit the Family Emotional Safety Plan to download a simple template you can use for yourself and to start a conversation with family members on this critical issue. In addition, take the Fighting Fair Family Pledge which articulates clear boundaries for arguing while maintaining respect for others.

Service. He said, “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?” and “Everyone can be great because anyone can serve.” The theme of service – of doing for others – is a core value for all of our greatest moral leaders including Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and Mother Theresa. We have an epidemic in the U.S. of anxious, lonely, and depressed teenagers who would not be so if they knew how their unique qualities could significantly contribute to the world around them. Giving offers us a sense of purpose.

Ask: How do we develop a service mindset among each of our family members? Do we promote and cultivate a culture of kindness, help, and support in our family life? How could we do more to appreciate others and offer regular gratitude for the abundance in our lives? How could we, as adults, model noticing needs and offering care for others?

Small Actions: Notice and appreciate kindness when you see it happen around your home. “You took care of cleaning up your mess and I didn’t have to ask you. That’s taking responsibility and I appreciate you doing that.” Point out kindness when you see it in the world. “Did you notice that woman help that older gentleman through the door at the grocery? How kind of her to notice he needed help.” Do it enough and you will begin to hear your child finding examples of kindness for herself. Read more about how parents can serve in their roles by acting as family servant leaders. And also, learn more about how you can guide your teenage daughter or son to considering how they might find their own sense of purpose.

Love. He said, “We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.”

He said, “I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality… I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.”

He said, “There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.” So if the only vehicle for peace is by acting out of peace and love, then forgiveness is core to our task. And our job as parents becomes to equip our children to learn to forgive. They will encounter pain despite our best efforts. But we will give them the tools of resilience, of strength if we offer them guidance on the process of healing and forgiving those who have hurt us.

Ask: How do we forgive in our household? Do we find ways to make reparation for harms done? And do we find words and actions that show we are asking for forgiveness? And are we able to grant pardon when someone harms our feelings? Are there new ways we can go about including forgiveness as an expression of love in our family life?

Small Actions: Consider how you model owning your role and responsibility in any family problem. How do you articulate your area of responsibility? When things go sideways, it’s helpful to ask, “what’s my part?” When you do, it opens the doors for others to take responsibility for their roles and it knocks down the wall of “me versus you.” Find times to have honest conversations without judging your children’s actions. Allow them to tell you their problems while you listen with compassion. They will come to you with bigger problems down the line if you offer this kind of small support in day-to-day situations. Consider how you handle hurts whether your own or your child’s. How can you model the language of forgiveness? How can you guide your child to think through actions they might take to make up for harm they have caused?

Of course, love is at the heart of it all. Though outwardly, some may choose to hurt or exclude others, we can be certain that inside, they too feel pain and are convinced they are not loved yet require love desperately to soothe their wounds. Show your love through your attention. Put down devices. Turn off the television. Take children’s hopes seriously. Take their fears seriously. Really listen to what they are telling you. That is the small, slow but powerful way you can best teach your children to love.

Thank you, Martin Luther King Jr. and all those nameless individuals who have demonstrated their values through their daily courageous actions. May we all attempt that show of strength. I am sharing one of Martin Luther King Jr.’s incredible speeches that could be shared as a family today as we remember and apply those teachings to our present context.

Adapted from original post, January, 2017.

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