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Posted on October 8, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

The Unexpected Emotional Labor of Attuned Parenting

By Guest Author Annie Schien

The other night, my three-year-old cried, screamed, and thrashed her body for 45 torturous minutes before falling asleep in my arms. The underwear she asked me to pick for her was definitely not the right choice and disappointment and dysregulation ensued. There was nothing I could do to stop this freight train, so I accepted my fate. I held her contorting body and distraught nervous system, closed my eyes, and took a lot of audible deep breaths. Had I already spent all day riding her emotional rollercoaster? Yes. Did I have the wherewithal in my tank to stay calm during the toddler meltdown marathon? Questionable. For those 45 minutes, that felt, in my body, like 4 hours, I clung to one of my favorite parenting mantras: “the only way out is through.” And we all did get through; she passed out and I took some time to regulate my jacked-up nervous system. This herculean parenting moment (yes, I’m giving myself a pat on the back) is one of many small acts that make up the invisible emotional load we carry to support our children each day.

The emotional labor of parenthood, I think, is what people are referring to when they generically say “parenting is hard,” or “raising kids is the hardest and best thing.” It’s something that people say that you won’t fully understand until you’re actively doing it, in the trenches yourself, but I also think there are aspects of this labor that we can name and validate. Let’s dive into this hard – what it might look like, and some possible strategies to support our parental mental health.

What is emotional labor and why does it feel so hard sometimes?

Intellectually, I know that our job as parents isn’t to fix, overly shield, or sugarcoat, but rather to be the large, spacious container our children can safely bounce around in. The container is structured enough so that it holds them with love and support, but roomy enough to provide enough space for their confidence in themselves to grow. I’m a visual learner, and I often visualize an oversized, translucent container (me) with two bouncy balls pinging around (my daughters). The “bounces” might include their developing emotional regulation skills, their self-discovery and identity shaping, or their learning and meaning-making of their experience in the world, just to name a few.

One of my parenting truths is that to hold our kids and their bounces – the chaos, the big feelings, the hurt, and the larger-than-life joys – leaves small chips in the safe container. It takes a toll on us as caregivers and is an incredible lift of emotional bandwidth. I mostly hold this truth because of the many times where I didn’t feel like I had the emotional bandwidth to be the calm to my kids’ chaos. I’m both confident that being my daughters’ safe container is me parenting with my highest values, and also my lived reality is that it’s exhausting and sometimes leaves me resentful and emotionally dysregulated. It has been the hardest and most beautiful true labor of love. This is the unspoken emotional labor of today’s parenting.

Emotional labor is defined as “the effort it takes to manage your own emotions while considering the feelings of others at the same time.”¹

In the parenting context, we can go back to my image of the safe container and the bouncy balls, our visual for parenting with both boundaries and attunement to our kids. If you are on any form of social media these days, I’m sure you’ve come across the gentle parenting craze. The Internet has taken gentle parenting by storm. Some people love it, others hate it. I’ve also seen different iterations: respectful parenting, attached parenting, or attuned parenting. Attuned parenting is what resonates most for our family and our parenting values. Attuned parenting is “your ability as a parent to tune in to your child’s emotional and internal world. It’s more than just paying attention. It’s the “felt sense” your child gets that you are with them. They are seen, known, and loved, and their experience matters to you.”² Attuned parenting falls under the umbrella of authoritative parenting style: warmth and empathy with clear, loving boundaries.

Now let’s think about the accrued emotional labor of attuned parenting, leading with empathy as our young people figure out themselves and their world. It’s this lift coupled with our own personal growth work: healing our inner-children and growing emotional intelligence skills as an adult. That’s modern parenting, baby. And, baby, it feels hard sometimes.

In the parenting space, there are so many amazing conversations about the mental load, and how to share in partnerships or families to prevent parental burnout. Often the emotional load is included as a part of the mental load, but I also think that it’s distinct from the logistics of grocery lists and carpools to soccer practice. The invisible weight of the emotional load is subjective to each caregiver, but there are many components and experiences of it we can all relate to. I’m a strong believer that it’s important to make the invisible visible, so I can share from my experience what the weight of carrying this emotional load of parenting might look like:

Physical depletion – This one’s simple for me: there is never enough coffee in the world. Kidding, not kidding. This might look like you wake up already exhausted for the day, or are like me and meticulously plan my caffeine doses from wake up until bedtime.

Resentment – As the primary caregiver, sometimes I resent my husband just because he has a physical door between him and our children during the work day. And it’s not that I’m a maternal slog over here with a deadbeat husband – he’s an incredible partner and equal parent. No, it’s envy. Brene Brown says that envy and resentment are closely related, and I see this in action every day when we wave goodbye to Daddy as he starts his work day. The envy that manifests into resentment is mostly about the autonomy and control of his energetic boundaries that I perceive he has during the work day. Is this the complete truth? Definitely not. But it’s a story that plays for me when my tank is low and I feel surrounded by chaos and a lack of autonomy.

Compassion fatigue – The other day I stood frozen staring at my oldest for far too long when she had skinned her knee. And my knee-jerk reaction? Ugh, another fire to put out. Another long hug while she whole-body cries? My baby was literally bleeding and I was annoyed rather than compassionate and nurturing. This is a huge red flag for me, when the simple moments feel like the cherry on top of an already too-heavy emotional load. It’s a glaring clue that I need support in carrying or putting down said load.

Emotional dysregulation – A few weeks ago, I felt my internal pressure cooker filling in the middle of an afterschool meltdown in the car. The noises felt so loud, the complaining like nails on a chalkboard, and my body felt like it was on fire. It was in this moment, I brainstormed a title for a children’s book: Dysregulation Is Like Wildfire. I could feel my kids’ dysregulation and my dysregulation morph into one blob of hot red flames, and I couldn’t rationally outline where theirs ended and mine began. I felt the moment like a lightswitch where her fire caught me on fire and in the end we were all burning. When our brains are flooded it can feel impossible to reach for whatever emotional regulation skills. My primal lizard brain usually just internally screams, “I JUST WANT IT TO STOP!” That anger and resentment? That’s your depletion talking, and a cue of unmet needs.

Whatever degree you can relate to these symptoms of the persistent emotional labor of attuned parenting, I think there’s power in bringing it into the light. When my negative self-talk is flailing, I can sometimes convince myself that my experience is unique because I’m not parenting, self-caring, nurturing my marriage, baking the most delicious sugar-free dessert for the bake sale (you catch my drift) “right.” The list can go on. But our strength lies in validating our experience and validating others’ experiences. This “I’ve been there too, and I see you” communal feeling is what helps us persist and persevere. Dr. Becky hits the nail on the head when she writes, “This feels hard because it is hard, not because I’m doing something wrong.”³

How can I take care of myself so I can attune to my kids?

To attune to our children and attune to our needs, there doesn’t feel like enough hours in the day. The math isn’t mathing. Our plates are too full, and over-filled plates leave our emotional capacity noticeably lower. And don’t forget the emotional energy needed to grapple with my ever-evolving identity, to tend to my marriage and friendships, and do I have time or energy for hobbies?! I sometimes joke that taking care of two kids and myself halfway feels like more than a full-time job. So how do we sustain? What builds our emotional capacity so we’re better able to attune to our needs and our children’s?

If you’re still here, great. We’ve validated common parenting experiences, investigated the what and why of emotional labor, and I’ve left you in a doom-and-gloom mental state about modern parenting. But don’t worry, things are looking up! Now it’s time to get into what offsets the hard, to discuss what nurtures us as caretakers so we can best show up as the parents we want to be. While, sadly, I don’t have the magic answer to large systemic and cultural gaps in the supports for caretakers and families, I do have a few strategies that help me, and make the hard feel a smidge easier. They are certainly not a one-size-fits-all model, but hopefully some nuggets can help you in some way.

Hold a mantra that brings you back to your values or your “why.” Mine is: It starts with me. Steal it if it resonates with you too. This one helps ground me in the truth that I cannot attune to my girls if I haven’t met some of my needs first. You heard me, first. This mantra helps me think of myself as the sturdy foundation for my children, and understand that my support floor beams of my adult self care are truly what help the house stand strong. Remembering this helps me challenge “guilt” and reframe any thoughts that deem prioritizing my needs as selfish, but rather as vital to our family ecosystem.

Identify what needs are your non-negotiable needs for the day. I heard a great framework about self-care, about taking “small sips” through the day rather than burning out and then needing a full-on spa weekend to recover. This has helped me see how to sprinkle smaller, manageable acts of nourishment into my day and identify which needs are most impactful to my mental health. For me, my most important need is moving my body – a short walk in the fall leaves, a sweaty workout at the gym, I’m not picky as long as I’m moving. Our house could be on fire, and I’m still going for my walk. It clears my head, allows me space to empty my stimulation bucket, and I’m noticeably more regulated when I’m done.

To pull back the curtain on my inner landscape and be transparent about my humanity – what I’m aspiring for and what skills I’m still developing – has been a game changer.

Name what skills you’re working on too. To pull back the curtain on my inner landscape and be transparent about my humanity – what I’m aspiring for and what skills I’m still developing – has been a game changer. This shift has helped me take so much pressure off myself to get it right all the time (or else I’m failing my kids, my negative self-talk says). When I’m clearer on my own blind spots, it helps me be a little more intentional when I’m presented with tricky parenting moments. Also, talking about these skills has been a connector for me and my kids, we can relate to each other about how sometimes humaning is hard and we don’t get it right a lot of the time.

Self-compassion, self-compassion, self-compassion. This one both feels entirely self-explanatory and also incredibly nuanced and layered. For example, I know that self-compassion is an important component of my life, but I’m also the first to judge myself harshly. It’s a muscle that we keep building, and the sustainability of parenting in my values has pushed me to push my rep count and increase my weights. Becoming a parent, and wanting my own children to live with an abundance of self-compassion, I see the need for me to be more aware of self-criticism when I’m being way too hard on myself and try my self-talk again with much gentler approach and language. Speak to yourself like you would speak to a friend – easier said than done but each day is getting a little easier.

This fall, let’s all take the seasonal cue to slow down, be a little gentler with ourselves, and feel truly proud of the way we parent and show up for our kids. My hope is that you’re leaving with a splash of validation and an enormous amount of self-compassion. You’re doing a great job! This feels hard because it is hard.³

Annie Schien, M.Ed, is an educator, trainer and coach for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, partner at SEL Consulting Collaborative, and founder of grow yourSELf Consulting. Annie shifted from a classroom practitioner after a decade of teaching to supporting educators and leaders in implementing systemic SEL with a focus in educator well-being. Annie has a Masters of Education in Educational Psychology from the University of Missouri, and completed a two-year Teacher Leadership certificate program through the University of California, Davis. Annie lives in Sonoma County with her husband and their daughters, Hazel and Quinn, who drive her work to integrate SEL into the home ecosystem.

References:

Team, C. E. (2024, September 23). What is emotional labor? plus, 8 examples at home and at work. Calm Blog. https://www.calm.com/blog/emotional-labor
Franklin, L. (2026, April 5). What is attunement – and have we taken it too far?: Peace family counseling: Greenwood & Martinsville, in. Peace Family Counseling | Greenwood & Martinsville, IN. https://peacefamilycounseling.com/what-is-attunement-and-have-we-taken-it-too-far/
Kennedy, B. (2025, February 26). This feels hard because it is hard, not because I’m doing something wrong. I’m saying this to myself this week. Because…Running a company? Hard. [Post]. LinkedIn. https://www.linkedin.com/posts/drbecky_this-feels-hard-because-it-is-hard-not-because-share-7300536293233479680-3wNQ/

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Posted on October 6, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Bloom Tampa Bay News – Helping Teens Thrive in the Digital World

In a world full of AI and technology, it’s easy to see life is completely different for today’s kids and teens. Navigating the online world is not the same as navigating real life. Founder of Confident Parents, Confident Kids and Author of “Humanaissance: Igniting Courage In our Teens and Ourselves” Jennifer Miller sits down with Amber Freeman, host of Bloom, to discuss what teens need most, and to stay connected to them in this digital world. Thanks Bloom Tampa Bay!

Check out their discussion here!

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Posted on October 1, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Raising Teens in an A.I.-driven World

By Guest Author Julie Braumberger

When I was teaching third grade, I never imagined I would someday have to think about whether a student had written an assignment, or whether a computer had written it for them.

Today, artificial intelligence can answer questions, summarize information, generate stories, solve problems, and help children brainstorm in seconds. Our children are growing up with access to tools that would have seemed impossible when many of us were their age.

As both an educator and the mother of college-age daughters, I don’t think the answer is to pretend AI isn’t here. It is here and it is not going away. The bigger question is: What do our children need from us because it is here?

I keep coming back to the human skills that our children will always need: empathy, judgment, critical thinking, relationship-building, and the ability to consider how our choices affect other people.

When the Answer Is Always Available…

For parents and educators, one of the challenges of AI is that it can make getting an answer incredibly easy. But learning isn’t only about getting the answer.

The American Psychological Association (2026) reported that educational technology can sometimes help students get the right answer or finish a task more quickly without necessarily helping them truly learn the material. A better sign of learning is when students can use what they know on their own, without relying on the technology.

Think about two third graders arguing because one grabbed a marker from the other. I could solve that problem in ten seconds: Give the marker back. Problem solved. Or is it?

A more valuable approach takes longer. What happened? How were you feeling? How do you think your classmate felt? What could you do differently next time?

Those questions require children to pause, listen, consider another person’s perspective, and decide what to do next. AI can generate an answer to a problem. Our children still need opportunities to think through problems themselves. That means we shouldn’t be too quick to remove every struggle, at school or at home. We should give the encouragement and space to do the important thinking work before making a choice.

Schools Play an Important Role

As AI becomes more common in education, schools will understandably need policies about when and how students should use it. But the conversation must go beyond whether AI is allowed or not on an assignment. We should also be asking: What thinking do we still need children to do for themselves? When will we give them that space and support for that thinking to occur?

Parents Play an Important Role

Parents should be asking: How is AI being used in my child’s classroom? When are children expected to complete work without it? How are students learning to check AI-generated information for validity and also, who benefits from the information and what or where the original source of information might come from? In addition to digitally-influenced work, are children still getting opportunities to write, create, discuss, solve problems, and make mistakes independently?

UNESCO’s (2023) recommends that schools use AI in ways that are appropriate for a child’s age and that support their learning and development, rather than simply using new technology because it is available. Children need opportunities to wonder, make mistakes, disagree respectfully, create something without knowing exactly how it will turn out, listen to another person’s ideas, and change their minds when they learn something new.

They also need to learn to question information. Who created this? Is it accurate? What might be missing? Can I verify it somewhere else? Does this sound right? Those skills matter whether the information comes from AI, social media, a website, or another person.

What Parents Can Do Now

We don’t have to wait until children are old enough to use AI independently to prepare them for an AI-driven world. When a six-year-old pauses instead of grabbing a toy, that’s a practice in judgment. When a child notices that a friend looks sad and asks if they’re okay, that’s empathy. When children work through a disagreement instead of immediately asking an adult to fix it, they’re building relationship skills. When they ask, “How do you know that’s true?” they’re beginning to think critically.

These ordinary childhood moments matter. Before solving a problem, ask your child, “What do you think you could do?” When you encounter information together, ask, “How could we find out if that’s true?” When something is difficult, give your child enough time to struggle, try, make a mistake and try again before stepping in.

And Parents Have to Practice, Too

My daughters are in college now and living away from home, and so many of our conversations happen through text. Texting creates its own challenges. A short answer can sound angry when someone is simply rushing to class. No answer can feel personal when someone is just busy. And then there’s the famous: “I’m fine.” AI could probably generate a perfectly worded response. But it doesn’t know my daughter the way I do. It can’t hear the hesitation in her voice or understand the history behind a particular situation. Sometimes I text back. Sometimes I call. And sometimes I ask, “Do you want help thinking this through, or do you just need me to listen?”

That requires something technology cannot give me (or her). Technology can’t determine the tone of voice or her personality. It also reminds me that parents have some practicing to do ourselves. Can I pause? Can I listen instead of fixing? Can I trust my daughter to work through something? Can I recognize when she actually does need my help?

Raising Humans Who Will Use Technology Wisely

Our children will probably use AI in ways we can’t yet imagine.

Trying to prepare them for every new tool is impossible. Preparing them to be thoughtful human beings isn’t. We can raise children who know how to pause, question, listen, empathize, reconsider, create, and make thoughtful choices.

AI will continue to change the tools our children use.

Our opportunity is to invest ourselves in developing the human beings who will use them wisely.

Resources:

UNESCO’s (2023) Guidance for generative AI in education and research.
American Psychological Association (2026) Children’s and adolescents’ learning with educational technology.

Julie Braumberger is the Director of Education at Mind Body Align and is the co-author of the Labyrinth Adventures, 32-book series for children and curriculum. She earned a bachelor’s degree in elementary education from Notre Dame College and is a certified K-8 school teacher. When she is not at work, Julie spends time at home in Ohio with her family, including her husband, a fellow teacher, and her two college-age children.

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Posted on September 29, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Dedication to You! And… May I have the envelope please?!

To the Confident Parents’ Parenting Village… my book is – in part – dedicated to you…

Reading the book dedication to our Confident Parents’ Parenting Village — who raised me as a parent. I am so grateful!

My book arrived for the first time on Sunday evening just as we were getting back from parents’ weekend and our first visit with our son at college. I thought it was so poetic to receive this after seeing my son and so many 18 and 19-year-olds absolutely thriving. We witnessed creative courage in action and left so inspired.

Who remembers this one from my first book unveiling?

So grateful to Tina Wainscott of The Seymour Agency, to Darcie Abbene, Editor and HCI Books!

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Posted on September 22, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Honoring Loss and Grieving as a Parent

The author with whom I was collaborating to get an article published today lost her mother recently. We’ll publish her outstanding content in a few weeks. But for now, we are respecting her sacred space to mourn and remember. It seems an important moment to write about loss. In my personal life, my dear friend lost her mother unexpectedly in the last week and she is trying to cope day to day. My own parents are dealing with failing health and my Dad, who is in Hospice care, seems fragile, his energy, pain, and capacity changing daily. This year, I sold my childhood home as I moved my parents into assisted living. After the final cleaning, I sat on the floor in each room and allowed the memories and emotions to flood me. While I run back and forth to assisted living, I am also feeling the loss of my son’s positive energy in our household while he’s away at college for the first time; the persistent sound of him playing music in our basement, the presence of his friends, and the rhythm of high school activities that dominated our lives. I walk into his bedroom on occasion and just soak in his environment and listen to the quiet as I miss him.

In fact, we may face grief and loss with each and every developmental age and stage. The experiences of “firsts” and the wonder and awe of an infant are unlike any other experience in childhood. We can look back at any later age and miss that baby who was totally dependent upon us for survival. A toddler’s triumphant experiences with agency (“no!, I do it myself!”), physical mobility, and language are unique to that time of life. We may miss those moments of exploration and discovery after leaving that age. On the other end of the spectrum, as my son nears the very end of adolescence, his “firsts” experiencing college life and all of the opportunities it offers him are exciting and exhilarating for him. And I get to experience it vicariously when we have our Sunday catch-up calls. I’m hotly anticipating our first visit this coming weekend for parents’ weekend. But in between, I ache. I feel that energy missing in our household.

We feel these losses with our aging children. And often in mid-life, we are also experiencing aging parents or relatives. We can become caregivers on both ends of the life spectrum — our children and our parents — adding complexity to our days and weeks not to mention a whole lot of stress.

Experiencing grief and loss is never convenient in our lives. It arises unexpectedly. We can shove it down hard when we are with others, are too busy to feel, or just can’t handle the stress of it. Yet, interestingly, the deeper you move into mid-life, the more you experience grief and loss. We all have the opportunity to develop a relationship with grief that keeps us whole-hearted. This is the adulting part we’d rather avoid. Yet, when we look to some of our elders who have grown bitter through their years of pain and difficulty, I wonder if they’ve missed that opportunity. I don’t want to unwittingly hang onto grief while I think I am ignoring it. Instead, I carry it with me. And it impacts my days. Every time I have an irritant or frustration, the heat is that much hotter because that layer of sadness is streaming through my body waiting for an escape. I also am aware that waiting on the other side of grief are incredibly important life rewards I don’t want to miss out on. They include gratitude, presence, compassion, patience, acceptance, wisdom, peace, and even joy.

We can better face our fears of grief and loss if we better understand it. As we build our muscles around facing into grief instead of running from it or looking away from it, we can find self compassion as we move through our own process of dealing with it. In attempting to understand grief, I’ve learned:

Grief and loss create a complex mix of emotions not just sadness. Grief can stir anger as we attempt to overpower our sadness. It can create anxiety as we worry about more loss to come. It can create cravings, desires, and guilt as we can try to ease our pain either in healthy or unhealthy ways. It can create impatience with others as they remind us of what we are trying hard to ignore.
We can challenge our story that we can’t handle it. How many of us are scared we will drown in the weight of our sadness if we actually allow ourselves to feel it? How many of us unfairly judge ourselves as “wallowing like a teenager” (that’s judging teenagers too!) when we do take time to feel the sadness? Recasting our story about how we feel and deal with sadness can give us the chance to allow it. We are capable. We have the courage to feel it and expend it so that it doesn’t need to hold on and stay with us.
“Anticipatory grief” is real.¹ I discovered that I was grieving all senior year-long and I was mad at myself for it. “This is too soon! Why am I feeling this now!?” Yet, every last event was cause for sadness in the midst of celebrations. I think, because I felt so much anticipatory grief, I actually was less sad when he left home. I had room for excitement for all that he had in store.
Find time to express the “feels.” In our busy lives, all the feelings that come with grief and loss can derail us if we don’t have an outlet for our pain. Whether you express your upset in a vigorous workout, an impressionist painting, or a quiet reflective journaling session, how will you create the time to feel what you need to feel? Putting it off only delays the inevitable and risks accumulating grief into bitterness that is hard-crusted and more difficult to break through later on. How will you remain open-hearted by caring for your heart now?

For me, this is relationship-in-progress. I have not figured out how I can deal with so much grief and loss in my daily life but I’m trying. I know I’m capable and you are too. Just being aware of the fact that it’s important to create the space to feel is a big step forward. I often think about how I comfort friends who have lost someone precious. How can I treat my own heart with the same understanding, compassion, and generosity? It helps to know I am not alone. Our village of parents is going through this too. How can you treat your own heart with the same understanding, compassion, and generosity? You are capable.

Reference:

Kubler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. 2005. On Grief and Grieving; Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss. NY: Scribner.

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Posted on September 15, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

What If We Taught Teens How to Talk to Us?

By Guest Author Renee Kretz

If you have a teenager, you probably recognize the following scene. You ask, “Did you turn in that assignment?” You get a grunt. You ask again. Now there is an eye roll and, “You’re so annoying.” Somehow, a reasonable question about homework has become an argument.

Teenagers have been part of my life for more than 20 years, through my work and at home. My husband and I have six children between us, so I have watched these moments unfold many times.

I have learned that what looks like attitude is not always just attitude. When teens feel criticized, embarrassed, or cornered, emotions can take over before they find the words to explain themselves. The same kid who can deliver a ten-minute closing argument, complete with supporting evidence, about why they need $150 sneakers can suddenly lose all command of spoken language when you ask about three wet towels on the floor. That does not excuse disrespect. But adults have more experience managing emotions, so we need to model the communication we expect teens to learn.

In my ebook, Real Talk: A Teen’s Guide to Communicating With Your Parents in the Digital Age, I describe conflict as a seesaw. When teen emotions rise and we match their intensity, the conversation becomes a power struggle. Our job is to restore balance without surrendering authority or avoiding the problem.

Here are four ways to do just that…

1. Pause long enough to regain control of your response.

A reset might mean taking five slow breaths before answering or stepping away for longer. There is no required amount of time. The goal is to give yourself enough space to decide how to handle the situation without avoiding it. If you need to step away, say, “I hear you. I need a few minutes so I can give you my full attention. We are going to finish this conversation, just not while we’re both upset.” If your teen keeps pushing, calmly repeat, “I’m not avoiding this. We will talk about it, but not like this.”

Your teen may sigh, mutter, or make one final comment. You do not need to have the last word.

CPCK Note: “Authoritative parenting” is the style of parenting that research has shown produces the healthy, thriving outcomes we hope for with our teens. In authoritative parenting, any poor choices are viewed as opportunities for learning. The adult is kind and supportive and also, firm with boundaries.

Being authoritative does not mean controlling every sentence. It means remaining clear, steady, and dependable. Return to the conversation once you are calm enough to lead it productively. The pause should last as long as you need to control your response, but it should not become a way to avoid the issue.

2. Focus on what happened, then ask for a plan.

Calling your teen “lazy, irresponsible, or careless” turns one behavior into a judgment about who they are. They will defend themselves instead of dealing with the actual problem. Stay with the facts and make the expectation clear: “You have three missing assignments, and you are now failing math. Turning in your work is not optional, and this needs to be fixed. I want the plan to come from you. Tell me what you’re going to do, when the work will be submitted, and how you’ll keep this from happening again.”

If your teen cannot form a plan, help them break down the problem without taking it over: “Which assignment will you start with? What can you finish today? Is there anything you need from your teacher before you can begin?” The parent can help organize the steps, but the teen should make the choices and do the work. Once the plan is clear, repeat it back: “You said you will email your teacher tonight, complete the first assignment tomorrow, and submit everything by Friday. You’ll show me the submissions in the school portal when they are done.” Then state a consequence that will realistically follow. If you suspect social screen time has been a disrupter to your teen’s ability to accomplish their work then, a natural real world consequence that follows would be: “If you do not follow the plan, non-school screen time will pause until the missing work is submitted.” If the deadline passes, do not give another lecture or invent a consequence. Return to the commitment: “You made a plan, and you did not follow it. The consequence we discussed now applies.” The parent sets the expectation and follows through with a real world consequence that directly relates to the ball that has been dropped. This is a way a parent can support a teen in setting boundaries and following through of his/her commitments.The teen owns the plan and the responsibility to carry it out.

3. Explain the boundary without defending it.

Being authoritative does not require a “because I said so.” Give your teen enough information to understand the decision, but do not keep adding reasons every time they challenge it. Over-explaining can make a firm boundary sound open for negotiation. Try: “You don’t have to agree with my decision, but I want you to understand it. I’m saying no because ____. You can tell me how you feel about it, but my answer is still no.” Listening to your teen does not require changing your decision. They deserve to be heard, but they do not get a vote on every boundary. Explain it once, answer reasonable questions, and then let the decision stand.

Good communication is not the absence of authority. It is being clear about both the reason and the limit.

4. Teach your teen how to communicate.

We often tell teens to “communicate respectfully” without teaching them what that actually means. Communication is a skill, and like any skill, it needs to be explained, modeled, and practiced.

Start with a clear standard: feelings are allowed; behaviors have limits. Your teen can be angry, frustrated, or disappointed. They still need to communicate without yelling, insulting, interrupting, slamming things, or staring at a phone while someone else is speaking. Feelings may need to be articulated and accepted as normal first before diving into further conversation.

Teach both sides of the conversation. Listening means putting down the phone, facing the person speaking, making appropriate eye contact, and allowing them to finish. Speaking means paying attention to tone and body language, explaining what happened, and saying what you need without attacking the other person. Parents must model those same behaviors. In Real Talk, I give teens three questions to guide difficult conversations: What happened? What could you have done differently? What will you do next?

A parent can use the same structure by asking, “Tell me what happened. What could you have done differently, and what are you going to do now?” If the answer is “I don’t know,” ask, “Do you need time to think about it, or do you need help figuring out what to say?” If they need time, decide together when you will return to the question. If they need help, guide them through one question at a time without supplying the answers.

Your teen does not need to agree with you or deliver a perfect apology. They do need to listen, speak respectfully, acknowledge their part, and explain what they will do differently. Those skills become habits when parents teach them, model them, and consistently expect them.

We cannot expect teens to communicate like adults simply because we’ve told them to. We have to teach the skills, model them under pressure, and give teens repeated opportunities to practice. That is how we raise adults who can disagree, take responsibility, and still communicate.

About the Author:

Renee Kretz is an educator, entrepreneur, youth mentor, and founder of Mi-Era, a focus and study-planning app for teens. For more than 20 years, she has helped young people strengthen communication, confidence, and personal responsibility. She is also the author of Real Talk: A Teen’s Guide to Communicating With Your Parents in the Digital Age and a mother in a blended family of six children.

You can purchase Renee’s E-guide here.

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Posted on September 10, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Supporting our Kids in Learning How to Deal with New School Year Worries

As soon as Christina spied her son’s face walking toward the car after school, she knew something was wrong. Christina got out and said, “Are you okay?” but son Connor quickly shut her down. “I’m fine,” he said in an aggravated tone and a stop-looking-at-me whince. On the short car ride from school to home, despite the fact that Connor looked as if he were nearly crying, Christina kept quiet. When they walked in their door, Connor took off running to his room slamming the door shut. Christina could just barely hear his sobs and wasn’t sure whether to knock or give him time. Christina brewed some tea and allowed herself a few hot, comforting sips before she went down the hall and gently knocked on Connor’s door. “Come in,” Connor said softly. He had calmed down enough to be able to talk. “Can you tell me what’s going on?” Mom asked. The words spilled out of his mouth like a waterfall, intense and flowing. “I hate school. I hate my new math class. The work is overwhelming and I think they put me in the wrong class. I don’t know what I’m doing. I hate school!”

Whether its anxiety over a brand new teacher who is strict with his classroom rules, or brand new classes with high expectations for performance, or new extracurriculars like trying out for the few slots left on the soccer team, the beginning of the school year brings lots of opportunities for new experiences, environments, and relationships and our children and teens feel all of the fears that go along with that newness.

It can be a highly emotional time when children feel physically anxious — ready to run and move after a long day of sitting in class — but emotionally exhausted as they’ve been exercising their ability to focus their attention, listen, and manage their impulses throughout the day. School can bring out performance anxiety — “what if I don’t pass the test?”, social anxiety — “what if I don’t have a friend to sit with at lunch?”, and separation anxiety — “will I be miserably homesick on our class overnight trip?”

Worry is normal and actually increases with our children’s awakening social awareness particularly starting around the age of nine. As they work on empathizing and taking the perspective of others, they also become self-conscious. “What if I’m criticized? What if I’m rejected?” These are common concerns of the pre-teen and teen years. So then the trick becomes, how can children, tweens, and teens learn to manage that worry in healthy, constructive ways so that they can identify their feelings and use them as assets. If they do not learn healthy coping strategies, feelings can take them over and they can begin to turn to unhealthy coping strategies.

So there is a significant opportunity for parents and teachers alike to support their in learning how to manage these big worries. Check out the following Ideas along with a few pitfalls to avoid along the way!

Anxiety is contagious! Manage yourself first.

When your child is upset and anxious, the first instinct of a caring parent will be to dive in and fix that problem. But in reality, if you dive in with your own stack of worries, you could (and will likely) escalate your child’s worries. That’s because your own raised heartbeat and furrowed brow can’t hide. Your child and you are deeply connected (in good times and in bad) so that they will “catch” your worry and elevate their own. Christina brewed some tea and sipped on it before she went in to talk with Connor. Find ways to pause, breathe, get some fresh air and a fresh perspective (“This is not the end of the world nor will it determine my child’s long term success.”), and then talk to your child.

Normalize big worries.

When you do talk, be sure and let your child know that worrying is a normal part of being human and growing up. Don’t allow him to perpetuate the myth that he’s the only one who’s sure he’s going to be left alone or ridiculed on the playground. Help him identify his feelings – “I see you are feeling really worried about going back to school tomorrow. I’m here to help.” Also, talk about the roles of stress – that it can be a positive force for keeping you sharp during a test but you have to learn ways to manage it so that you are in control and it doesn’t control you.

Learn together.

Be sure you understand what the worry truly is. So often we make assumptions about our child’s fears only to discover later that he really didn’t care about being invited to the birthday party but merely wanted to play on the playground. Actively listen and reflect back thoughts and feelings before jumping to any conclusions. Ask if your assumptions about how they are feeling are correct. Be sure that you are open to learning from your child what their concerns are so that you can be most helpful.

Choose compassion.

When a child or teen has social anxiety, she is focusing on herself and what others think of her. If she focuses outward and begins to consider how others are experiencing worry or pain, if she considers how she might ease others challenges, then she cannot focus on her own. Help her consider: “Amanda said some hurtful words today. What do you think could be going on with her? Is her home life okay? Does she feel accepted at school?” Often these questions will uncover hurt that another child is undergoing. You might follow up with, “what could you do or say to help her feel more comfortable and accepted?” These shifts your child’s focus in a positive, healthy way.

Tackle in the smallest increments.

When your child is feeling overwhelmed by expectations or the amount of work, sit down together and break it down into the smallest pieces possible. Then, simply just focus on one at a time. How can that one issue be tackled? Then, make a plan or set a positive, specific goal together for how she’ll tackle each one of the other issues. Set a clear timeframe and be there to support her through it.

Practice healthy coping strategies.

On a sunny September day when emotions are not running high, grab a blank sheet of paper or markers and newsprint and do the “Feeling Better” challenge (yes, we all love a challenge that is entertaining and game-like). See how many healthy coping strategies you can list together. Remember: the smaller and easier, the better! You want to be able to use them anywhere, anytime you or your child is upset. Practice some deep breathing while you are discussing ideas like walking in nature, tensing and releasing toes and fingers, or pretending to blow bubbles.

Stop rumination and find a new thought.

Rumination is worry run-amok. When you hear your child mentioning the same concern over and again, they’ve moved into rumination. And it’s never productive. Why? Because it’s a vicious hamster wheel turning the same thoughts and feelings over and over without any new thoughts changing the perspective. Share that the churning we tend to do does not prevent horrible events from occurring and in fact, only weighs a person down and prevents them from finding positive solutions. When ruminating tell yourself, “Stop.” And coach your child to help them tell themselves “stop.” Then ask, “what’s one new way you can look at this situation that you haven’t considered?” “What can you learn from this?” Also, if you can, ruminate a bit on the positive. Are there new friends that await at a new experience? Are there kind teachers? Are there interesting exploration opportunities with new subjects? Swirl around in the goodness of all that’s to come this school year.

Create a small experiment.

In other words, if your child is really scared to go on a class overnight field trip, can you set a small goal to go the first night and then call and talk and you’ll come get her the following day if it’s too much but she’ll try and make the best of the first night? Usually kids find that they can make it all the way through but the whole time seems overwhelming so offering small checkpoints or smaller goals helps reduce anxiety.

Support Sleep.

Sleep is not only critical for learning the next day but it will also offer the self-control a child needs to get through his anxieties that day. But worries can keep a child up at night. So what can you do? First, be sure and stick to a consistent routine that gets business accomplished (bath, brushing teeth) and is also connecting (reading, snuggling). Make sure that there’s a calm down period with low lighting, low noise, and no screens. Make certain all devices are left out of the bedroom at night. Let her know that worrying at night is rumination and will not accomplish anything so it’s important to leave it behind. You might try the following:

Have you seen the Mexican worry dolls? You tell the dolls your worries before bedtime, put them in their box, and they work on your worries while you sleep. You can do this with a favorite stuffed friend. Assign him night duty. Allow her to share her worries with you and her stuffed friend (or just with the stuffed friend) and then assign the task of taking care of her worries overnight so that she can put them away. Make sure she only says them once because repeating them turns into rumination and her stewing won’t change her thinking so rumination doesn’t get her anywhere. Teens can write worries down in a journal and then, place the journal in a safe location overnight where they won’t look at it.
You may also want to try a guided mediation for children. There are a number of them on YouTube (I like New Horizons). Visualize a calming, happy memory together from your summer vacation. Or you can simply play nature sounds and listen carefully in the dark together as you take deep breaths.

Instead of catching your child’s worries and fueling them further, look at the many beginnings in the school year as an important opportunity to teach them healthy ways to manage stress and reframe perspectives. Those skills will be critical as your child faces greater challenges in life. And your support and practice together now will become invaluable sources of strength and resilience for a lifetime.

Check out this delightful and practical picture book:

The Worry Box by Suzanne Chief

Also, check out our examples of the Feeling Better List.

For students, K-4: The Feeling Better List

For students, grades 5-12: The Feeling Better List

For Spanish-speaking families: The Feeling Better List

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Posted on September 8, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

From Confident to Courageous; How the Illustrations Have Evolved for Parenting Teens

Confidence is what I wrote about in the early and middle childhood years because that’s what I lacked and needed the most. Then, entering into the pre-teen years, I began yearning for courage. The shift in focus was deeply felt. I had built skills in myself and my child to become confident but still lacked the courage to become the parent I needed to support my growing pre-teen and teen’s development. Facing into the truths of our current context that teens have to grapple with daily including A.I., social media, social comparison, anxiety, loneliness and so much more requires our courage as parents. I began exploring habits of courage in my own parenting, with my clients, and in cooperation with school partners. The results were powerful and I tell that story and many more in my next book, Humanaissance: Igniting Courage in Our Teens and Ourselves. Because the focus had changed dramatically, the images had to change too.

Check out this video with Jennifer Miller showing the illustrations from Confident Parents and how they’ve evolved in writing about parenting teens. Get a sneak preview of the very different illustrations from the next book more aligned with teen development.

From Confident Parents’ illustrations focused on children to Courageous Parents focused on teens, the illustrations have changed to fit with our developing “kids!”

Ready to pre-order? Here are a few links:
Amazon
Barnes and Noble
Bookshop

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Posted on September 3, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Attn: High Schools…Jennifer S. Miller on Tour with the New Book

Jennifer S. Miller, MEd, founder of Confident Parents, Confident Kids will be on a book tour this fall season. She is scheduling now with bookstores, libraries, and high schools. Consider scheduling Jennifer as part of your family engagement supports this school year. She’s offering:

High School Leadership Forums — with parents, students, and educators.
Virtual 3-Part Dialogue Series for High School Parent Cohorts by Grade Level.
Book Talks — for school communities on her new book.

High Schools… GET ON HER SCHEDULE!!!!

She’ll be traveling to these locations. If your school wants her to visit but the location is not listed here, feel free to get in touch. She can do virtual or may just decide to come your way!

Book Tour Dates/Locations:

October 20 – Launch Day, Columbus, OH

October 26-30 – Connecticut, New York, New Jersey

November 2-6 – Charlotte and Robeson County, North Carolina

November 9-13 – Northern Ohio, Cincinnati, & Pittsburgh, PA

November 16-18 – Chicago, IL

December 1-4 – Washington D.C.

January 25-29 – Northern California & Southern CA

February 22-26 – Orlando & Fort Meyers, FL

If you are interested in Jennifer coming to your school, please fill out the form below and she’ll get back with you.

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