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Posted on April 23, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Friendship Struggles — Our Children’s and Our Own

By Guest Author Julie Braumberger

Friendship can be one of the most joyful parts of life, and one of the most painful. As a mother of two girls, it has been heartbreaking to watch my children struggle socially. But if I’m being honest, those moments often stir something deeper. They remind me of my own friendship struggles from the past and present.

Even many years later, I can still remember these challenging moments with my daughter so clearly. I was teaching at the same school my children attended, and for a time, every day after school, my daughter would hold it together just long enough to get to my classroom. Then she would collapse into tears.

Day after day, the story was the same in different ways. Her upset involved friendship struggles, hurt feelings, moments of being left out or unsure where she belonged (a big one). I had just spent eight hours pouring empathy and compassion into a room full of children and then, I needed to show up and give the same to my own child. Those moments felt enormous. Not just for her, but for me because of how deeply I wanted her to be happy, and because I’d been there too.

Even as adults, friendships can be complicated…misunderstandings, feeling left out, and wondering where we belong. Those experiences don’t just disappear with age. In fact, our children are learning how to navigate relationships by watching how we do it. And that’s where the real opportunity lies.

One of the most powerful shifts we can make as parents is to see challenges as opportunities to teach and learn and not as problems to fix. When my sad child arrived in my classroom at the end of the day, my first instinct was to jump in and solve it: talk to her teachers, give advice, make it go away. But, I knew that was not what I wanted her to learn from my response. I wanted to show her compassion and empathy so that she was able to develop those same qualities herself.

Friendship struggles are not setbacks to growth and development. They are the work of growth and development.

Friendship isn’t just about getting along with others. It’s built on deeper life skills:

  • Noticing and naming feelings
  • Managing big emotions
  • Understanding another person’s perspective
  • Communicating needs
  • Making thoughtful choices in the heat of the moment

These are skills that grow over time, and they need practice. Research shows that children who develop these skills are more likely to build strong relationships, succeed in school, and handle challenges effectively.1 Another study from UC Berkeley highlights that empathy, the ability to understand and care about others’ feelings, is a key predictor of positive relationships and emotional well-being.2

But here’s the important part: children don’t learn these skills by listening to lectures or by being told what to do. They learn through experience, reflection, and genuine connection with parents, siblings and friends.

Since leaving the classroom eight years ago, I’ve had the opportunity to teach these important skills to myself, my daughters, and countless children in classrooms. During that time, I discovered that the most effective way to engage children in learning and practicing these skills was through stories. The stories allow the children to see themselves and their own experiences reflected in the characters, giving them the opportunity to observe how the characters navigate real-life situations. Plus, when I read a book, I had their full attention, but when I simply explained or lectured, I reached far fewer. With this insight, I worked with my team to write the Labyrinth Adventures curriculum. 

We wanted to give children safe, engaging ways to explore real-life challenges like friendship. One story that was inspired by my own experiences is Cleo and the Stink Bugs. In the story, Cleo the caterpillar joins a game with her friends. While some cheer her on, a group of stink bugs tease her. Cleo feels embarrassed and left out, feelings many children know all too well. What makes this story powerful is what happens next. With support from kind friends, Cleo begins to understand that her feelings matter. She learns that empathy means caring about how others feel—and that kindness can change the experience for everyone.

When children engage with this story and with stories like this, something important happens. They begin to:

  • Recognize feelings in themselves and others
  • Understand how their actions affect others
  • Practice responding with kindness and empathy

These are not abstract ideas—they are real, usable skills.

I’ve seen these lessons on friendship come to life in classrooms, on the playground, and at home. After years of listening to children share their frustration and sadness around friendships, I’ve learned to gently ask, “Do they know you are feeling hurt (or sad)?” The small shift from blame to understanding can change everything. And honestly, it’s something I’ve had to practice too. There have been times in my own adult friendships and family relationships when I’ve felt hurt or misunderstood. My first instinct is often to withdraw or assume the worst. But when I slow down and consider their perspective, along with my own thoughts and feelings, the outcome begins to shift. 

Our children are watching these moments. They are learning not from perfection, but from how we handle imperfection. When our children struggle with friendships, we don’t need to have all the answers. What matters most is how we show up for them in those moments.

Here are a few simple ways to support them when they are struggling:

1. Start with connection and a few simple breaths
Before jumping in with solutions, pause and acknowledge what your child is feeling. Take a few slow breaths together to help you both settle. When children feel seen and understood, they are much more open to working through the situation.

2. Get curious together
Ask questions that help your child reflect and make sense of what happened, such as, “What do you think they were feeling?” This builds their ability to think through social situations rather than react in the moment.

3. Model your own learning
Share your own friendship challenges in simple, age-appropriate ways. Letting your child see that you are still learning helps normalize their struggles and shows that growth is lifelong and always ongoing.

4. Practice empathy in everyday life
Look for small, everyday opportunities through books, stories, or conversations to talk about feelings and perspectives. These moments help children build understanding in a natural way.

5. Focus on growth, not perfection
Remind your child that friendships take practice and that mistakes are part of learning. Each challenge is an opportunity to build stronger skills over time.

Friendship struggles are not signs that something is wrong. They are signs that something important is growing and developing. When we approach these moments with patience, reflection, and empathy, we help our children build the inner skills they’ll carry with them for a lifetime. And along the way, we grow too. Because the truth is, friendship is a lifelong journey. And I am still learning how to be a good friend.

References

  1. CASEL (2020). What Is Social and Emotional Learning? Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning.
  2. Greater Good Science Center (2017). Why Empathy Matters. University of California, Berkeley.
  3. Jones, D. E., Greenberg, M., & Crowley, M. (2015). Early social-emotional functioning and public health. American Journal of Public Health.
  4. Edutopia (2019). Why Social and Emotional Learning Is Essential for Students.

Julie Braumberger is the Director of Education at Mind Body Align and is the co-author of the Labyrinth Adventures 32-book series for children and social and emotional learning curriculum. She earned a bachelor’s degree in elementary education from Notre Dame College and is a certified elementary school teacher for grades K-8 licensed by the Ohio Department of Education. Previously, Julie taught elementary age children for over 20 years. She is a parent to two college-age children.

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Posted on April 21, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

How to Create a Caring Relationship with the Environment; Simple Steps to Begin this Earth Day…

The lives of our children and our teens can easily be relegated to indoor time as they go to school and participate in extracurriculars like sports in gyms and music or plays in theaters. And when at home, they go on their devices to connect with friends or scroll through social media. Because of our ever-growing fascination with and use of technology, we find ourselves with less and less time to go outside. This creates further disconnections between ourselves and nature. Our kids may not feel a sense of responsibility to the environment because of this disconnect. And truly in order to invest our time, money, and precious resources in anything, we require a safe, caring relationship. So how are we helping our family cultivate a relationship with nature?

First, since a caring relationship is necessary, how can you engage your children in showing care? I asked some families how they get outside and here’s what I heard:

  • We go to a local park every day after school to play and get out that Spring energy.
  • I take my kids out to look for birds during their great migration. We head to a different park each time we are free and try and identify the type of birds we see through binoculars.
  • My son loves to go creeking. He puts on protective boots and we head to a creek with friends as soon as the weather permits.
  • We love to take bike rides. 
  • We pick out seeds and plant them in our yard together.

Earth Day has been celebrated since 1970 and now, the entire month of April is considered Earth month in an effort to call attention to how we all need to care for our home planet. Perhaps just making a commitment to get outside with your family more might be one simple step you can take to create a more caring relationship between your family and nature? Watch this poem by Amanda Gordon titled “Earthrise” to feel inspired to do more to care for our planet!

Here are a few more ideas of steps you can take with your family to recognize the importance of our home planet this month:

  1. Connect

Simply spending time in nature whether it involves walking to your nearest patch of grass, heading to a local park or traveling to a state or national park. Make sure when you do you, you create the conditions to become fully present and aware. Put devices away. Notice the details of the environment. Use all of your senses to guide your noticing. What can you see? Smell? Taste? Hear? Touch?

Bring nature journals or drawing pads with you to fine-tune your attention on the details together.

2. Care

Learning together to care for your environment helps children learn about their role and responsibility with the natural world around them. Create a small garden if you have a yard or find a sunny window to grow plants. Start small! When you buy seeds or starters, be sure and read about the needs of the plant. How much sun do they need? Plant food? Soil condition? Amount of watering? Then, plant and work on caring for those plants together.

Visit a grocery store with your child that carries local produce and/or meats and seafood. Note which foods you buy are locally sourced. Take note of where non-local foods are from and consider the kinds of transportation necessary to get it to you. Before eating dinner together, share gratitude for all those people and the natural resources involved in bringing you your meal.

3. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

Discuss water use in your household. How can you fill the dishwasher thoroughly or the washing machine before you run a load? Children can learn to turn off the water while they are brushing their teeth. Create a rain barrel to reuse rain water when watering your lawn or garden. These steps may seem small and even insignificant but they do offer ways in which to teach your children to pay attention to how they use natural resources like water.

Take a family trip to the local dump. As you drive, discuss what you tend to throw away. Assign someone as a scribe to write down what items could be rinsed and recycled. Make sure you have recycle bins in the house and your children know how to look for the triangle to determine whether the item can be recycled.

This past year, our family began participating in a compost program. We save all of our food scraps and take them to a booth in our local farmer’s market. They, in turn, take all of the refuse and turn it into compost. We have marveled at the volume of food scraps that are now headed to composting that will nourish new crops that were previously filling the landfill.

4. Learn

If you do spend more time in nature camping or hiking in a state or national park, take the time to learn before your next trip how to leave no trace. Check out the site: Seven Principles of Leave No Trace.

Or in your own home or when you travel, discover what native lands you are on and learn about those tribes. Download the Native Lands app on your phone and use wherever you roam. Learn about how indigenous peoples related to the land and preserve natural resources and find out what practices you might try out in your own life.

Also, check out the PBS Livestream for Earth Month with a wide range of spectacular facts about the natural world to add to our appreciation.

As I talk to parents about what they want to teach their children and the legacy they want to leave behind, I often hear that individuals want to leave the world a better place than they found it. One important way we can do that is to examine how we support, care for and help grow the natural resources that surround us and support us each day so that they are around for generations to come.

Check out these terrific children and teen books to support your conversation:

Braiding Sweetgrass for Young Adults – learn more about how indigenous wisdom leads us to create a reciprocal relationship with all living things including the Earth herself.

What a Waste; Trash, Recycling, and Protecting Our Planet by Jess French

My First Book of Reduce, Reuse and Recycle by Asa Gilland

Ten Things I Can Do to Help My World by Melanie Walsh

For Parents:

The Climate Book by Greta Thunberg

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Posted on April 16, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Value-Based Parenting When It Goes Against the Norm

By Guest Author Anna-Lisa Mackey, M.Ed.

For a number of years, my daughters walked to school most days. It wasn’t because we lived in a particularly quiet neighborhood, and it wasn’t an attempt to recreate a childhood from another time. It was a parenting choice, one shaped by a belief that everyday experiences matter, and that children grow capable by practicing real life in small, manageable ways.

At the time, it didn’t feel dramatic. But it did feel different.

Most of their friends were driven. Morning drop-off lines grew longer each year. Walking stood out, and my daughters noticed right away.

“Everyone else gets a ride.”
“It’s awkward.”
“Why do we have to walk?”

There were plenty of mornings filled with pushback. And sometimes, despite our intentions, other well-meaning parents would pick them up partway along the route. Those moments were a reminder of how hard it can be to hold steady when your parenting choices don’t match what most families around you are doing.

Still, we kept returning to a simple question: What do we want our children to learn from their everyday lives?

What Children Practice, They Learn

What looks like a simple walk to school holds more learning than it seems at first glance. Walking required my children to manage their time, keep track of their belongings, and pay attention to what was happening around them. The movement and fresh air helped them wake up and arrive at school more settled. The walk home gave them a natural pause before shifting back into family life.

Just as important were the social moments along the way. Walking with friends meant negotiating plans, working through small disagreements, and learning how to be part of a group without adults stepping in to manage every interaction.

Confidence doesn’t grow from reminders or encouragement alone. It grows when children experience themselves handling everyday situations and realizing they can figure things out.

The Harder Part Was Sitting with Discomfort

The hardest part of this choice wasn’t logistics or safety. It was emotional. Parenting often asks us to sit with discomfort. It’s hard to hear complaints day after day. It’s hard to worry that your child feels different or left out. And it’s hard to trust that a choice that feels right in the long run may feel unfair or frustrating in the moment.

Holding this boundary required us, as parents, to stay calm, explain our thinking, and listen without immediately changing course. It meant acknowledging our children’s feelings while staying clear about what we believed mattered.

This same tension shows up in many modern parenting decisions. When should a child get a phone? How much independence is too much or too little? How long do we delay social media when it seems like “everyone else” already has access?

There are rarely perfect answers. But these moments invite us to decide which lessons we want our children to practice over time.

Small Independence Builds Toward Bigger Independence

As my daughters grew older, I began to notice how these early experiences added up. Children who have practiced responsibility in small, everyday ways often approach new challenges with more confidence. They’ve learned how to manage themselves, how to make decisions, and how to recover when things don’t go exactly as planned.

Encouraging independence early doesn’t mean pushing children faster than they’re ready. It means offering steady opportunities to grow, with support nearby and trust leading the way.

For us, walking to school became one of those quiet, consistent opportunities.

Choosing Long-Term Growth Over Short-Term Ease

It’s tempting to believe that good parenting means making life easier for our children. But growth rarely comes from ease alone.

Value-based parenting sometimes means choosing a path that isn’t the most convenient or widely accepted. It means explaining your “why,” listening with empathy, and staying the course when you believe the lesson is worth it.

Walking to school was a small decision in the larger picture of childhood. But it reflected something bigger, a belief that children grow capable when we give them room to practice.

And perhaps just as importantly, it helped us practice something too: letting go thoughtfully, one step at a time.

Reflection question:
Where in your family life might holding steady, just a little longer, support the kind of independence you hope your child will grow into over time?

Anna-Lisa Mackey, M.Ed., is an educator and parent of three grown daughters with nearly three decades of experience in teaching, consulting, and curriculum development. She is the creator of Emozi®, a comprehensive PreK–12 framework designed to support children’s social, emotional, and character development across the school years.

References:

American Academy of Pediatrics. (2007). The importance of play in promoting healthy child development and maintaining strong parent-child bonds. Pediatrics, 119(1), 182–191.

Gray, P. (2011). The decline of play and the rise of psychopathology in children and adolescents. American Journal of Play, 3(4), 443–463.

Hillman, C. H., Erickson, K. I., & Kramer, A. F. (2008). Be smart, exercise your heart: Exercise effects on brain and cognition. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 9, 58–65.

U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (2018). Physical Activity Guidelines for Americans (2nd ed.).

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Posted on April 9, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

The Power of Connection: A Parent’s Greatest Protective Tool

By Guest Author Demetra Mylonas, MA

Connection to our families is a powerful phenomenon, and yet, this power is often taken for granted for the wonders it provides.  During moments and experiences of connection, like laughing together, holding hands, looking at the miracles in nature, our bodies explode with the release of a plethora of feel-good hormones and neurotransmitters.  The effects of these on our bodies and minds include helping in stress reduction, increasing learning potential, helping the brain to feel safe, and increasing immunity, to name just a few.  This connection provides so much benefit and positive potential, and the beauty of it is that it is wonderfully easy and fun to build and maintain. 

The Importance of Play

The number one best way to build connection is to play together!  Pillow fights, pretending, chasing, joking, games, sports, dancing; the list is endless!  Children learn best through play. Play provides an antidote to the stress in children’s lives.  When kids have stressors present all of the time, including but not limited to school pressures, friend pressures, and health pressures, this toxic stress damages mental and physical health.  Thankfully, protective, positive and stable relationships buffer these stressors and create the security children need to handle whatever comes their way.  

Children grow through play. They remember; they enjoy; they problem-solve; they communicate; and they trust through play.  Sounds so simple, yet the benefit is massive.  Building into your schedule time for play, like a game of frisbee outside, a craft made together, or a board game time is worthwhile and necessary. Building play into all parts of your day lifts everyone’s spirits and brings a sense of happiness to the family environment.  

Simple Ways, Everyday

Play can happen spontaneously and in simple ways throughout the day. Think about dinner time. Pretend you are at a restaurant, with everyone taking on a role like chef, sous chef, waiter, host, and menu preparation.  Or, during car rides to and from school and activities, play guess that tune, or I Spy, or have someone read out some jokes and riddles.  Play can be as simple as spraying someone with a little water during dish washing, or as intricate as a family against family soccer game!  All that matters is drawing out some smiles, laughter, and good memories, which will balance and even tip the scales of happiness and contentment over sad and unstable.  

Building on play, cherishing the micro-moments in your life, acts like stepping stones to a better mood, more resilience behaviours, and fosters strong emotional bonds.  Think of micro-moments as little deposits in the brain’s bank account of joy and gladness, tucked into everyday life.  Is it time to help your little ones with their jackets?  Put it on backwards!  Is it clean up time?  Blast the tunes and dance your way through your tidy.  Are you waiting in line or in traffic?  Re-kindle a past fun memory, play eye-spy or touch base on a past conversation.  Are you having a mundane day?  How about noticing how the sun is warming your skin, or how the birds are singing and chasing each other?  These small moments add up, leaving the brain happy and refreshed, and storing positive experiences that counteract stress.  Noticing the good and taking time to add joy takes some practice.  However, our bodies seek pleasure and safety, so this practice easily becomes natural and the benefit to you and your family is exponential!

Try courting your children! Remember when you first started dating, and you did little things to make your new love know you cared for them; that they were the foremost thing on your mind? The extra little chats at bedtime as you nestle in and cuddle, the impromptu drive for ice cream after dinner, just because, little notes tucked into pockets, homework and lunches, and the extra smiles and hugs when they enter the room.  These little love signals matter more than we can imagine.  They communicate to our kids that we cherish them, we love their company, we have time for them, we notice how they are feeling and they are so important to us.  My kids love these little gestures, so I keep coming up with new ways to send them love messages!  Some of my favorites are placing notes in wallets, around juice box straws, or in their pillowcases. I’ll bring up a fresh baked cinnamon bun during random Wednesday night homework, send them a card in the mail (the actual mail), or plan a picnic dinner in the living room.  Even just remembering these moments brings me, and them, a rush of happiness and love. 

Cultivating Presence

One of the necessary ingredients in building solid connections is being present, which includes how you listen, what you say and how you say it, and what our body is communicating.  Sometimes children just want to be heard.  When your child mentions a want or desire, pause and take a breath.  Maybe provide a non-verbal gesture such as a head nod or smile with eye-contact that shows you are listening.  This added time allows for some thinking time, which may lead to more information from your child and some time for you to decide how and if to reply.  It may be that your child is simply needing you to understand and appreciate the emotion that is attached to their want or desire, so perhaps just reflecting on what you’ve heard or sharing their excitement is what they are seeking.  

Ping! Interruption Brought to You by my Phone

As is obvious, devices interrupting or competing for our attention, have no useful place in our connection-building with our families.  Attempting to engage in listening, playing or experiencing wonderful moments, while at the same time answering text messages, provides a clear, harmful notice to children that the phone is more important than they are.  Parents and children share a unique, special and sacred bond; one that provides nurturing, healing, safety and flourishing, for both.  The pull of devices is addicting and requires some strictness with oneself to use it for what is intended, rather than letting it bleed into all aspects of your life. 

Showing our children that they are the priority, helps lead by example also, paving the way for them to regulate the impact of the phone on their lives.

Child development advocates urge families to protect phone-free spaces, times, and activities, such as meals, bedrooms, and family time.  Making these rules a priority allows for the fruitful, powerful connection between parents and children to thrive.  

The shared joy of knowing that your bond with each other is strong, leads to the secure trust needed to foster communication, cooperation and resilience.  In a time of uncertainty, where children are building who they want to become, the connection to their parents and the love they feel, is the foundation for helping them to be healthy and happy.  And for parents, what greater joy is there than knowing the bond between you and your child is titanium?  It’s a win-win!  

Demetra’s Recommended Reading:

Love Builds Brains by Dr. Jean Clinton

Raising Resilient Children by Gavin McCormack

Balanced and Barefoot by Angela Hanscom

The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt

Demetra Mylonas is a mother of five wonderful children, ranging in age from 15– 25.  Demetra has a Science degree in Neuropsychology and a Master’s Degree in Educational Psychology and Special Education.  Her professional life has been diverse and varied, filled with many enriching experiences, from Special Education consulting and assisting, Family Services outreach, and research positions.  Currently she is most honored to be a Student Wellbeing Specialist serving a school for children with Learning Disabilities, providing support and programming on the mental health and wellbeing of the school’s students, staff and families.

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Posted on April 2, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Building Our Kids’ Self-Trust

By Guest Author Annie Schien, M.Ed.

Spring is upon us, and as we head into the second quarter of 2026, I like to check back in on my intentions from the start of the year. This helps me reconnect and take a temperature on my word for the year. I ask myself: Am I embodying this word so far in the year? Each year, instead of a New Year’s resolution, I like to pick a word for that serves as an overarching theme for the year, something that I’m craving more of in life. This past winter, anticipating my oldest child starting elementary school, cultivating more time for the things that light me up, and physically feeling myself coming out of the fog of early motherhood, I landed on self-trust. Let’s define self-trust – one’s inner voice, gut feeling, or as author Glennon Doyle so beautifully describes it, one’s Knowing (Doyle, 2020). 

Historically, my Knowing has felt inconsistent, maybe even nonexistent. Occasionally, I would hear this voice as a yell, more often a soft whisper, and sometimes, honestly, I heard nothing. Other people’s voices? They’ve always been loud in my head. But in recent years, I can feel this whisper desperately trying to grow into a scream, quite literally breaking out of the shell I’ve built for it. Self-trust in 2026 for me is turning down other people’s voices and turning up the volume on my own inner Knowing. 

Whenever I tackle wiring I’m untangling in myself, I think about my two daughters and wonder how it could look different for them and consider what my role is to support them in cultivating a sturdy foundation. I see some of my own cracks or blindspots and think about how to help them pour a rock-solid concrete slab. This itching for a strong inner voice, this rock-solid foundation of self-trust, makes me wonder how to help my girls cultivate this in themselves. I’m asking myself:

Why self-trust is so crucial, and compassionately, what gets in the way of cultivating self-trust in adult-child relationships?

What gets in the way?

I live with a three-year-old and right now, I’m having a hard time holding the space for her to build her confidence, self-trust, and inner voice – taking the very guidance I am proposing here. I feel like we’re all friends here, so I feel safe to admit that. When she was a year and a half, we nicknamed her (I promise with the utmost love and endearment) the Feral Gremlin for her scrappiness, humor, and unwavering courage. These days, she’s embodying that nickname in a whole new way in full-on toddlerhood. Although I know that her challenging actions are completely normal, my emotional bandwidth feels especially low holding space for two little humans who feel big feelings all day long.  My adult rational brain wants to shut down those feelings – the distress and every dissatisfaction right and left like little fires – throughout our day. I want to scream “THIS IS NOT A BIG DEAL” and tell her how she “should” really feel. 

I can feel my own big feelings and dysregulation bubble to the surface with each flop on the floor. The mountain I’m climbing these days is an uphill trek to stay as calm as I can through each storm – every wrong color plate I hand her, devastation that ice cream isn’t on our breakfast menu, or volcanic anger and injustice when she doesn’t want to wait her turn. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids’ fierceness and their strong sense of self, but the Feral Gremlin is wearing me down. So here I am, as a person who has a lot of information and tools struggling in practical, real life application. 

It’s with the best intentions that we inadvertently take away kids’ opportunities to build their self-trust: the inner voice that tells them what they think, feel, and experience. Instead, at times we give them micro-messaging that they actually shouldn’t trust themselves through covert emotional invalidation or jumping in to “fix” their problems. Hey, I get it and you bet I’ve done it too (see Feral Gremlin example above). 

So let’s take a compassionate lens to the things that get in our way. Today’s parenting lift includes an overwhelming oversaturation of information, comparison around every corner, and don’t forget to reparent yourself in all your downtime! These are on top of typical caretaking demands – packing the snacks, driving to activities, setting up playdates, and getting everyone through bedtime. At the end of the day, we’re often just getting through the day while trying to juggle it all. This untenable pace isn’t exactly a recipe for the spaciousness, calm, and groundedness needed to pause and truly hear and see our kids, to ask them questions, and learn more about their inner landscape. To keep up with this way of living and parenting is a recipe for dysregulated, cortisol-hopped adults.

In constant dysregulation, we often reach for control rather than connection – putting out the fires – rather than asking our kids how they’d like to stoke their own flames. 

However, control as an adult emotional regulation strategy comes at a cost: disconnection, parenting outside of our values, and repeating a message to our kids that will affect their inner voice: I know you better than you know you. One of my parenting values is that my kids feel seen, heard, and deeply known by me. When control is in the front seat, I know that this value is compromised. When my regulation strategy has a tight grip on the reins, suddenly folding each dishtowel militantly or digging my heels in to get my oldest to go to the bathroom overpowers pausing to ask her how her body feels or asking her about how she felt when her sister stormed and yelled at her. 

Why is self-trust so important?

Self-trust is the very root of confidence. When our kids know who they are and believe their feelings and experiences, they can navigate anything.

Self-trust is the stepping stone to higher resilience, greater self-compassion and positive self-talk, and aids our kids’ ability to set clear boundaries.

If kids feel sturdy in their conviction of who they are, what they think, and how they feel, then the same conviction leads to what they will and won’t tolerate from others and how they advocate for themselves and their needs. When they fall, and trust me they will, they will still have a foundation of a strong sense of self. Clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy names a phrase that can help kids build self-trust, “I believe you.”1 It sounds so simple, yet works to validate their emotions and experiences of the world. It’s like a trusted adult (you!), saying I trust you and you can trust yourself or I’ve got you and you’ve got you. 

My girls are young but I can see the early threads of what this looks like. As inconvenient as it might be at times, they know what they feel and think as they are shaping who they are. They are a force to be reckoned with, and I absolutely love it. I’m nervous, as any parent would be, for my oldest to start her new school chapter at elementary school this coming fall. School to me feels like the wild wild west and I’m feeling anxious thinking of pushing my baby bird out of our nest and hoping she can fly.  But I find solace in knowing that she already has a foundation of self-trust and self-knowledge to carry her through the transition and a safe place to land when she gets home. We’ll all adjust (and someone please hand me tissues). 

What’s our role in cultivating kids’ self-trust?

Something that has always helped me in parenthood is coming back to the visual of a safe container. When life gets hectic or I’m navigating new parenting situations, I try to remember that my number one job is to be a safe container for my girls, for them to bounce around and scrape their knees and feel held and loved. Outdated parenting viewed parents more as puppeteers or artists shaping their clay. However, to truly help kids cultivate their self-trust, sense of self, inner voice, or Knowing we have to take our hands off the wheel and let them take a turn in the driver’s seat. How can we do this? 

  1. Lead with curiosity: Ask questions! When I’m low on brain power, I default to, “Hmm, that’s tricky. What do you think we should do?”
  1. Listen to understand them and their world: This is an opportunity for us as adults to model engaged listening skills, and continue to learn more about our children’s inner world. 
  1. Connection over control: Sometimes I need this tattooed to my forehead. It’s a mantra that helps me as I navigate my own dysregulation, so I can take a pause, pick another regulation strategy, and then connect more intentionally with my kids. 
  1. Say “I believe you” time and time again: Each time we lead with “I believe you,” we’re wiring this message in their own self-talk. The more we can affirm and validate their experience and emotions, the greater self-trust they’ll have in the future. This is us confidently saying You know your truth repeatedly so their inner voice says I believe me. 

I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes, that helps me feel anchored to this idea of self-trust – how to surrender control and support self-trust as that safe container. It is wild to let others be wild. Wild, but worth it.

“I am beginning to unlearn what I used to believe about control and love. Now I think that maybe control is not love. I think that control might actually be the opposite of love, because control leaves no room for trust—and maybe love without trust is not love at all. I am beginning to play with the idea that love is trusting that other people. Feel, Know, and Imagine, too. Maybe love is respecting what your people feel, trusting that they know, and believing that they have their own unseen order for their lives pressing through their own skin.

Maybe my role with the people I love is not imagining the truest, most beautiful life for them and then pushing them toward it. Maybe I’m just supposed to ask what they feel and know and imagine. And then, no matter how different their unseen order is from mine, ask what I can do to support their vision.

Trusting people is terrifying. Maybe if love is not a little scary and out of our control, then it is not love at all.

It is wild to let others be wild”

― Glennon Doyle, Untamed

Annie Schien, M.Ed, is an educator, partner at SEL Consulting Collaborative, and founder of grow yourSELf Consulting. Annie shifted from a classroom practitioner after a decade of teaching to supporting educators and leaders in implementing systemic SEL with a focus in educator well-being. Annie has a Masters of Education in Educational Psychology from the University of Missouri, and completed a two-year Teacher Leadership certificate program through the University of California, Davis. Annie lives in Sonoma County with her husband and their daughters, Hazel and Quinn, who drive her work to integrate SEL into the home ecosystem. She is passionate about educating kids, parents, and communities and working with educators to cultivate authentic and impactful systemic change in schools. 

References: 

  1. Kennedy, B., & Huberman, A. (2025). How to Build Confidence In Your Kids. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zi9s0drG2II 
  2. Doyle, G. (2020). Untamed. Penguin Random House.

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Posted on March 26, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Creating Calming Spaces in Homes and Classrooms

By Guest Author Nicole Stoner

As parents, we’ve all experienced the sudden burst of tears, stomping feet, or the quiet shutdown. Maybe it’s because a game was lost, a favorite toy went missing, or a crayon snapped in half. What may seem small to us can feel overwhelming to a child. In those moments, strong feelings take over.

Strong feelings don’t go away as we grow. We experience them across our entire lives. The difference is whether we have learned the skills to understand and manage them, or whether we’ve learned to ignore or hide them.

Learning how to recognize and manage our feelings helps us to navigate the experiences we have at home, school, or anywhere in between. We intentionally teach children how to read and write. In the same way, we must intentionally teach them how to understand their feelings. One of my favorite parts of being a school counselor is supporting students and families as they learn about emotion management. When adults and children grow in this understanding side by side, it creates a powerful sense of connection and consistency that truly supports a child’s development. 

We can support kids in understanding how to manage their feelings by making a connection to a toolbox. Just like a real toolbox holds tools for fixing things, a feelings toolbox holds strategies children can use when feelings get strong. Let’s take a closer look at the tools and how it connects to calming spaces.

The Feelings Toolbox

The first tool is noticing feelings in the body.

Before children can manage feelings, they need to recognize them. We can teach kids to notice the early warning signs. This could include tight muscles, a faster heartbeat, butterflies in the stomach, a warm or flushed face and/or clenched fists. These signals are warnings that something is happening inside our bodies. Understanding these signs is the first step in emotional regulation. When children can notice what’s happening in their bodies, they’re more likely to pause before reacting.

The second tool is being able to name the feeling.

Words are one of the most powerful tools we can give our children. Building a strong emotional vocabulary helps children better understand their experiences, improve regulation, and experience healthy relationships. Some examples include; frustrated, disappointed, nervous, proud. Psychiatrist Dan Siegel calls this “name it to tame it.” When children label their feelings, it actually helps calm the brain and re-engage thinking.

The third tool is understanding key players in the brain.

Children are often fascinated to learn why they feel the way they do. It is always exciting to see my students’ reactions when we take time to learn the hand model of the brain from Psychiatrist Dan Siegel. When you hold your hand in the air and tuck your thumb in and cover with your four fingers. The fingers represent the wise owl, the Prefrontal Cortex, the thinking brain which flies away (flips up) when you wiggle your thumb, which represents the guard dog or the Amygdala, the feeling brain. Even my youngest kindergarten students grasp the concept with the help of a guard dog and wise owl puppet. 

  • The Guard Dog (Amygdala)
    This part of the brain is on alert, watching for danger. When something feels overwhelming, frustrating, or scary, the guard dog reacts quickly. It might look like yelling, crying, or shutting down.
  • The Owl (Prefrontal Cortex)
    The owl is the wise, thinking part of the brain. It helps with problem-solving, decision-making, and staying calm.

When the guard dog is barking loudly, the owl flies away. It is hard to think clearly when strong feelings take over. Labeling your feelings, using calming spaces and the calming caddy can help quiet the guard dog so the owl can return. This helps to support children as they are learning to manage their strong feelings and understand that all of their feelings are accepted.

When both home and school use the same ideas like talking about the guard dog and the owl, children begin to recognize their feelings more easily. A parent might say, “Sounds like your guard dog is barking right now,” and a teacher might use those same words.

This shared language — between home and school — builds connection and helps children feel understood across environments.

A Calming Space

Every toolbox needs a space to be used. That is where Calming Spaces come in. A calming space, whether at home or in a classroom, is a simple, intentional area where children can use their tools, practice calming strategies, and reset their body. It’s important to remember that this space is not a consequence at home or at school. It is a supportive workspace for emotional growth.

A calming space could include:

  • A cozy corner with a cushion or bean bag
  • A feelings chart
  • A list of affirmations
  • Pictures of calming strategies and breathing strategies
  • Soft lighting 
  • A basket of calming tools

These spaces help regulate the body and brain, providing the support and the opportunity children need to think, learn, and problem-solve. Research from CASEL (Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning) shows that when children are given structured opportunities to regulate emotions, they demonstrate improved focus, behavior, and relationships.

A Calming Caddy

A Calming Caddy is like the toolbox or a basket or bin that could be created at home and school. The caddy contains helpful tools to support regulating the body. This is where shared language becomes especially meaningful. Children know exactly what their tools are and how to use them in both places.

Tools might include:

  • Stress balls or fidgets
  • Breathing cards
  • Expandable breathing ball
  • A pinwheel for deep breathing
  • Paper and crayons
  • A small comfort item/stuffed animal
  • A glitter jar or sensory bottle

These are introduced as tools, not toys, that support regulation and help children regain control. A toolbox is only helpful if children know how to use what’s inside. Children can practice strategies anywhere: at home, school classroom, school playground and even vacation. Breathing exercises, squeeze the lemons (squeeze and release your fists like you are squeezing lemons to make lemonade) and visualization to name a few. Like any skill, emotional regulation improves with practice. It is helpful to practice and know your strategies before the strong feelings surface. Practicing these strategies during calm moments is key. When children rehearse these skills regularly, they are far more likely to use them during challenging moments.

As children grow, their calming caddy and space grows with them. Younger kids might benefit from a stuffed animal or glitter jars and older kids could benefit from journaling, movement/exercise, or creative outlets. The tools may change but the ability to recognize when and how to use them lasts a lifetime. The goal isn’t to get rid of strong feelings, it’s to make sure children have the right tools to work through them.

In the end, calming spaces are not just physical areas, they are part of a bigger approach to emotional support. By working together and using consistent language, families and educators can help children strengthen their emotion management skills that will last a lifetime. 

The next time a crayon breaks, a game is lost, or a meltdown happens, imagine a cozy corner, a soft cushion, and a simple calming caddy ready to help. With shared language and intentional tools, children can learn to manage strong feelings. Parents and educators can feel confident that kids have the tools and support they need to navigate strong feelings. 

Nicole Stoner is in her 24th year as a school counselor and is passionate about her work on behalf of students. She’s served on the Michigan School Counselor Association governing board as the Elementary Vice President. Nicole is a certified yoga teacher which allows her to share the joy and benefits of mindful moments and movement with her family and students. Nicole and her husband are grateful for their three children.

References:

Siegel, D. J. Hand model of the brain. YouTube.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gm9CIJ74Oxw

Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning. Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL).
https://casel.org/

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Posted on March 19, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

From the Kitchen Table to the Carpool Lane: Growing Essential Life Skills Through Everyday Routines

By Guest Author Elizabeth Sautter

When my boys were around seven and ten-years-old, dinner was one of the few times we were all sitting together. Like many families, we were juggling school, work, activities, and the constant motion of daily life. My older son loved to talk. He happily shared every detail of his day. My younger son was quieter. He listened closely but often let his brother take over the conversation. He surely found it was easier than trying to find the words.

One evening, I picked up a spoon from the table and said, “Let’s try something different. When someone is holding the spoon, they have the spotlight for a minute.” It was not about enforcing a rule. It simply created a little more space at the table so everyone had a chance to be heard.

That small shift changed the tone of our dinners. It was not perfect, but it helped us slow down and listen to each other a little more intentionally. Over time, it reminded me of something I had been noticing both in my own parenting and in the families I support.

Many meaningful opportunities for growth are already happening in everyday life…

–  At the kitchen table.
– In the carpool lane on the way to school.
– At bedtime.
– While running errands.

Parents often tell me they feel like they should be doing more to support their children’s development. More reading. More strategies. More programs. But…

…many families do not need more. What they often need is a shift in how they see the moments that already exist.

These are not things to add on to an already busy day. They are small add-ins that can happen naturally within the routines families are already living.

Connection First

Before sharing some of these everyday moments, it helps to begin with an important reminder. This is not about compliance or conformity. It is not about constantly coaching our kids or pointing out every behavior. And it is certainly not about suggesting that something is wrong with them. Instead, the goal is to gently support awareness so children can better understand themselves, navigate social situations, and move toward the goals that matter to them. For some children, that might mean building meaningful relationships. For others, it may mean feeling more confident in groups or learning how to express what they need. The umbrella for all of this is connection first.

When children feel safe and connected, they are more open to noticing what is happening inside, getting curious, reflecting, and trying new strategies. Dr. Dan Siegel’s work reminds us that children’s brains grow and develop through everyday relationships and interactions with the adults around them. Connection is not separate from development. It is the foundation for it.

My colleague Lauren Foster writes more about this idea in her recent article Connection Over Correction. Sometimes connection looks like a conversation. Sometimes it looks like curiosity. And sometimes it is simply being present in the moment together.

Morning Moments: Check-Ins, Weather Detectives, and the Carpool Lane

Mornings can offer small opportunities for connection before the day begins. Some families enjoy doing a quick check-in.

“How is your body feeling today?”
“Anything on your mind before school?”

These questions are not meant to feel formal. They are simply small invitations to notice what is happening inside. Morning routines can also invite children to observe and problem-solve. One parent once told me about a moment with her daughter who stood at the door asking, “What should I wear today?” Instead of answering right away, they looked out the window together and played what they now call weather detective.

“What clues do you see outside?”

Her daughter noticed the trees moving in the wind and said, “Maybe I should wear my jacket.” It was a small moment, but one that invited her to observe, think, and make the decision herself. Then, comes the drive to school or the slow crawl through the carpool lane. These moments in the car often become natural transition spaces between home and school. You might ask something simple like:

“Are you excited for the assembly today?”
“What is your plan if the assembly starts to feel overwhelming?”

These conversations help children think ahead about what might happen and how they might respond. Speech language pathologist Sarah Ward often talks about how executive functioning involves noticing cues in the environment and anticipating what comes next. When children begin thinking ahead in this way, they start to develop planning and problem-solving skills they will use throughout life. We all need this. Before going somewhere, we, as adults, often ask questions like:

“Where should I park?”
“Is there food there?”
“What should I wear?”

Our brains naturally want information so we can prepare ahead of time. Children benefit from that same kind of preview or priming.

Afternoon Moments: Transitions, Errands, and Think-Alouds

Afternoons often bring transitions, errands, and shifting energy levels. These moments can also be opportunities for modeling how we navigate our own emotions. For example, if you are feeling overwhelmed, you might say out loud: “I am feeling a little stressed. I think I need to take a deep breath.” Then take one. You are not telling your child what to do. You are simply letting them see how you take care of yourself.

These think-aloud moments help children understand that everyone has thoughts, feelings, and strategies for handling them. I remember one afternoon after a long day when I paused, took a breath, and said something similar. My son looked at me and said, “Maybe I need one too.”

Children are always watching how we move through the world. Some of the most meaningful lessons happen quietly in those everyday moments.

Evening Moments: Dinner Detectives, Storytime, and Body Awareness

Evenings often bring another chance to slow down and reconnect. Dinner conversations can become small windows into how our children experienced their day. Sometimes my kids would walk into the kitchen and ask “What’s for dinner?” Instead of answering right away, I might say

“Let’s play dinner detective. What do you smell? What clues do you see?”

Moments like these invite curiosity and observation. Later in the evening, reading together can open another doorway to understanding emotions and perspectives. One parent once shared a moment with me that stayed with me. She had started pausing during bedtime reading to talk about how characters might be feeling. One night while reading the book Wonder by R.J. Palacio, her son suddenly said, “I feel sad and left out like August did.” It was the first time he had connected his own feelings to something happening in his life. The story gave him a bridge to express something he had not known how to say before.

At bedtime some families also enjoy a simple body scan, slowly noticing toes, legs, belly, and breath. Occupational therapist Kelly Mahler’s work highlights how noticing signals inside our bodies can help children better understand their internal experiences and support emotional regulation. This is not about doing it perfectly. It’s simply another way of helping children notice the signals inside their bodies.

Small Moments Add Up

Over time, I noticed that many parents felt overwhelmed by the very tools meant to help them. Curricula felt heavy. Research felt dense. Expectations felt high. What many parents needed most was reassurance. You do not need to add more to your schedule. These moments are meant to become add-ins to the routines you already have, not add-ons to an already busy day. I often remind parents to make it simple to make it stick. From the kitchen table to the carpool lane, children are practicing awareness, regulation, communication, and problem solving in small ways everyday. Often it is these everyday moments of connection that shape what children carry with them as they grow.

Resources for Families:

If you would like more simple ways to bring these ideas into everyday routines, you can explore my book Make Social and Emotional Learning Stick, which shares practical activities families can weave into daily life.

You can also download my free resource Regulation in Real Time, which includes a co regulation poster, a visual body scan, an emotions wheel, and a simple check in tool for families.

Families looking for ongoing support and connection can also learn more about The Connected Family Community, an online space where caregivers come together to share strategies.

Elizabeth Sautter, MA, CCC SLP, is a speech language pathologist, parent coach, and author of Make Social and Emotional Learning Stick. With more than 25 years of experience supporting children and families, she focuses on practical ways to build communication, emotional awareness, and executive functioning through everyday routines and relationships. Elizabeth co-leads The Connected Family Community, an online space where caregivers come together to learn strategies that support regulation, connection, and essential life skills in daily life. You can learn more about Elizabeth’s work, resources, and trainings at elizabethsautter.com. Elizabeth is also the mom of two neurodivergent sons who have taught her as much about parenting, patience, and connection as any professional training ever could.

References:

Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory. Prentice Hall.

Blair, C., & Raver, C. C. (2015). School readiness and self regulation: A developmental psychobiological approach. Annual Review of Psychology.
https://www.annualreviews.org/doi/10.1146/annurev-psych-010814-015221

Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL). (2020). What is SEL?
https://casel.org/what-is-sel

Duncan, L. G., Coatsworth, J. D., & Greenberg, M. T. (2009). A model of mindful parenting: Implications for parent child relationships and prevention research. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review.

Kabat-Zinn, J., & Kabat-Zinn, M. (1997). Everyday blessings: The inner work of mindful parenting. Hyperion.

Mahler, K. (2019). The interoception curriculum: A guide to developing mindful self regulation. AAPC Publishing.

Siegel, D. J. (2001). Toward an interpersonal neurobiology of the developing mind. Infant Mental Health Journal.

Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Ward, S. (2015). Executive function and situational awareness in everyday environments. Seminars in Speech and Language.
https://pubs.asha.org/doi/abs/10.1044/sbi15.4.164

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Posted on March 12, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Lessons from the Classroom I’m Relearning as a Father

By Ari Gerzon-Kessler

“Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” — Rumi

More than three decades before I became a father, I discovered something that would shape my life: I loved connecting with young children.

I was 11-years-old when my middle school sent us to volunteer at a local preschool. What began as a simple school project sparked a passion that stayed with me for years. As an adult, I continued working with children. This involved four years volunteering at Head Start during college, seven years as an elementary school teacher, and nine years as a school leader. During much of that time, I poured my desire to become a parent—and my natural connection with kids—into my professional life, learning everything I could about supporting a child’s holistic development and becoming the most effective educator possible.

At 45, I was finally blessed with my daughter, Selah. Because I waited and hoped for so long to become a parent, fatherhood has been my deepest priority since her very first day.

Now, more than three years in, I’m struck by how many lessons from the classroom continue to shape my journey as a father. The best parents and the best teachers are engaged in the same essential work: helping young people feel safe, comfortable in their own skin, and curious about the world. While parenting is a different role, some lessons I learned in the classroom have turned out to be highly relevant at home.

Through trial and error, intuition, reflection, and often letting my daughter lead the way, I’ve rediscovered several lessons that first took root in my years as an educator. Here are five lessons that continue to guide me through the delights—and challenges—of parenthood.

The Deep Value of Rituals 

I remember decades ago as a teacher how meaningful rituals could transform a classroom community. Examples include building in a minute of mindful breathing and silence after recess ended and starting the school day on Monday with a sharing circle centered around each student’s greatest hopes or goals for the week. 

Similarly, I’m discovering with Selah how special and connective it is to have steady rituals. For instance, a few weeks ago we started celebrating Shabbat together. Selah emanates a vibrant sense of delight and excitement as we light candles, recite a blessing, and talk about what makes Shabbat distinct from the rest of the week. I feel how her energy calms and transforms. I also notice a part of her spirituality beginning to surface in these moments, as well as a connection to our ancestry that feels timeless for both of us.

On a more regular basis, I am discovering the power of sharing what we feel grateful for at the start of each dinner. We’re a couple months into this ritual, and while Selah, to this day, still starts her turn adorably with, “I am great for…,” I continue to marvel at how this one minute practice is propelling the development of her character and emotional intelligence. She will convey gratitude for nature, our home, that “Grandma is feeling better now,” and all it requires on my end is a little intentionality. 


The Gift of Being Fully Present

I reflected recently on the busy mornings I consistently experience as a single father. In the window between waking up and taking my daughter to school, it is very easy for me to remain task-oriented the entire time, as I prepare breakfast and lunch for both of us and play traffic cop between her and our two dogs. 

Since I only have Selah half-time, sometimes when I say goodbye to her at drop off, it means I don’t see her for a couple days. This prompted me to reflect that I want the two of us to feel deeply connected each and every morning, which led me to commit to sitting beside her as she eats her breakfast regardless of how much needs to be accomplished. 

Selah and I had one poignant moment this past week that reminded me how often she is the one teaching me about presence. We were hustling out the door to get her to school, and for the first time in several weeks, snow was falling. As we stepped into the garage, she noticed the snow and ignored my request to hop into the car so that I could buckle her in. Instead, she walked out of the garage, stared up at the sky, and opened her mouth to take in the large flakes of descending snow. I was in the internal mindset of “we have about two minutes to get out of here before we’ll truly be late for school.” 

When I saw her delight though, I caught myself, and realized she was meeting the moment with deep awareness of joy, while I was robotically locked in an unproductive mindset. I walked outside and joined her for a minute of eating the snow in a spirit of both glee and connection. I need to make more choices like this one – even when the impulse is ingrained to keep her on track or stay on schedule. 


Letting Children Lead the Way

I remember when Selah was two, I got into the bad habit of trying to generate her next activity instead of giving her choices. Our aim was to keep her engaged, but it dawned on me that I was not letting her lead, which she was capable of. 

When I’d say something like, “Do you want to read or play with blocks next?” I could see from her body language that she wasn’t interested in either option. 

I then caught myself, and remembered how empowered students felt when they had greater choice and autonomy beyond some binary set of options. As I had often reminded my own father when he spent time with Selah, I told myself, Why not simply ask her what she wants to do? Moments later, the two of us were happily drawing together. 

As a colleague of mine put it,

“Parenting is about guiding your children to discover their own paths, not paving the way for them.”

The Power of Storytelling 

My daughter has loved stories from her earliest days. In fact, they were the key to her being collaborative and patient during diaper changes when she was a one-year-old. 

Whether we are in the car, she’s taking a bath, or we’ve just finished reading books and have turned out the lights, Selah wants a story. There is something captivating and nourishing for the soul about stories.

Every night, when we’ve finished the nighttime routine of bath, brushing teeth, and reading books together, I turn out the lights. Like clockwork, Selah’s final request is a story. 

I remember the awe and wholehearted engagement I observed in my students whenever we read stories together, and since Selah revealed her natural draw to stories I’ve used them with greater intentionality to meet an array of purposes (i.e. giving greater meaning to the day behind us, helping her learn from actions she took that were detrimental to another kid, sparking her imagination, etc.) 

As a bilingual teacher supporting my students’ English language development, one of the most effective tools I encountered to develop their writing and speaking abilities was an activity that asked them to narrate a portion of the day that had already transpired. I now regularly support Selah’s vocabulary and storytelling skills by simply inviting her to tell me stories from earlier that same day that are still resonating with her.  


Humor as a Bridge in Challenging Moments 

When Selah is whiny, disregulated, or resistant to whatever we are set to do next – similar to my experience in the classroom – the default response to her outbursts would be engaging in a power struggle by telling her to stop what she’s doing. 

In many moments, I’ve found it very effective to resist this natural response (which I still engage in all too often) and disrupt the moment with playful intensity or humor. For instance, if she is complaining about something, I will first echo her complaint and empathize. But if she persists, I sometimes exaggerate it to the point that it becomes comedic.  Dramatizing the moment is often positively disruptive and leads her to laugh and let go of and shift her energy. In other moments, I might use a silly voice or draw on a word that I know will make her laugh. 

A quick caveat – having spent 15 years training teachers, I’m mindful that humor shouldn’t be used to dismiss a child’s feelings. Often the right response is to acknowledge her feelings, ask questions about what she needs, or simply offer her affection. I remember from my teaching days the wisdom of “connection comes before correction,” and using humor often brings us quickly from tension to connection.

Conclusion

While parenting and teaching are very different roles, both ask us to slow down, listen deeply, and nurture curiosity, connection, and joy. In that way, the lessons that shaped me as an educator continue to deepen through the greatest classroom I’ve ever known: raising my daughter.

In the end, effective teaching and effective parenting are not separate crafts. They are variations of the same deeply human practice: showing up, again and again, with the belief that children are worthy of our time, our care, and our best selves.

For the last twenty-five years, I have worked to build a stronger bridge between families and teachers because it is a proven strategy for improving students’ learning and raising the odds that they will flourish in life. But now personally, I see that the connection is even stronger than I realized. We are all “on the same team” (to cite the title of my recent book). Kids do better when we learn from each other and act together in their best interest.

Ari Gerzon-Kessler is a speaker, trainer, and coach working with schools and districts committed to forging stronger school-family partnerships. He is the author of On The Same Team: Bringing Educators and Underrepresented Families Together, which won the Gold Medal for best education book of 2024. See his website to learn more about how he supports schools and communities or to receive his monthly newsletter.

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Posted on March 5, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Connection Over Correction; How Nervous System Safety Nurtures Essential Life Skills

By Guest Author Lauren Foster

The other night, my daughter, now 26, and I shared dinner in her apartment. Willow, her cat, curled up beside us as we talked about her day and, unexpectedly, her childhood. She asked me if I remembered the morning drives to school years ago and how I used to “coach” her as we approached the school drop-off line. I recalled how the speech-language pathologist in me would prompt social skills practice. Every morning, I’d share a variation of prompts:

“Who are you going to say hello to today?”
“Will you smile or wave?”
“What else could you say besides just ‘hi’—maybe ‘Have a good day!’?”

I thought I was teaching social confidence and kindness and was priming my baby in those elementary school days. Fast forward twenty-six years, and my daughter shared:

“Mom, I realize you were trying to help, but it didn’t feel good. It made me more nervous.”

There it was—a truth I didn’t see back then. Looking back now, I felt resistance in her responses but my nervous system, constantly charged, was in “do” mode. I wanted her to feel prepared, confident, and capable. I didn’t want her to feel shy and not be friendly. I have since learned that my coaching felt like pressure not support. My words came from love, but they missed the deeper need: connection. My nervous system wanted her to be okay and the message I was repeatedly giving her was that the way she wasn’t okay. That was not my intention.

When Good Intentions Collide with Dysregulation

My nervous system was perpetually on high alert—trying to juggle work, home, finances, and the enormous responsibility of raising a small human solo. This is not an excuse, but an observation. Polyvagal Theory helps explain: When our nervous system interprets the world as unsafe, we slip into “fight,” “flight,” or “freeze,” (now we also add “fawn”), limiting our capacity for connection.1 My coaching carried a subtle urgency. Not what I intended, wanted, or would wish for.

My daughter, meanwhile, was also dysregulated—navigating school transitions, sensory overload, and a new social world. Without meaning to, we were two nervous systems pinging off each other. This happens all of the time in families. 

When my daughter was about four-years-old, she socked me in the stomach. And – I mean – a real punch. She was not a hitter, so that moment jolted me awake. It led me to my first “Parenting with Peleg” class, grounded in Positive Discipline. From there, I dove into learning more from Positive Discipline, Conscious Discipline, the work of Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, and many others. I started to see behavior differently. I began to understand what was underneath it. I cannot go back and redo those early years, but I can acknowledge and validate her feelings now. And that is true for all of us. Parenting is not easy. If you are here, learning, reflecting, and trying to show up with more awareness and care, that matters.

We are all on a journey. I share this information with deep love and compassion – for our younger selves — those who did the best they could with what they had at the time.

The truth is: now is the best time to show up differently, to be present, to take ownership of our growth, and to make new choices. What I have come to realize is that the foundation of good parenting is your own personal development.

Maya Angelou said, “we do the best we can until we know better — and when we know better, we can do better.” Our nervous system is the foundation of our being. When we feel threatened, scared, or uncertain, the brain has less capacity for connection because its main focus is survival and it’s constantly scanning the environment for potential threats.

Children have meltdowns not because they want to defy us, but because they lack the words and self-regulation to manage big emotions. And when our own nervous systems are stretched thin, even normal childhood struggles — whining, negative self-talk, bedtime battles — can feel overwhelming, pushing us to correct instead of connect.

Looking back, I was holding on and doing the best I could, but I wasn’t equipped to connect before correcting or to understand before intervening 20 plus years ago when I was in survival mode. Awareness is the beginning of growth — and connection is always possible, starting right now.

Research by psychologist Dr. BG Mancini describes the family nervous system as a living network in which each member’s emotional state affects the group’s rhythm.2 When connection frays, stress spreads. When safety is restored, all members can re-regulate together. I didn’t know it then, but we were co-escalating instead of co-regulating. Pause. Deep breath.

How It Works: Connection Before Correction

Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson explain a simple but powerful truth in their book, No-Drama Discipline: a child must feel seen, soothed, and safe before they can learn.3 When the nervous system does not feel safe, the brain’s learning centers go offline. Nothing sticks.

Neuroscience and attachment research point to the same conclusion. Relationships drive regulation. Regulation opens the door to growth. I saw this play out on mornings when we had time. My daughter and I would take turns choosing a number from Louise Hay’s little Power Thoughts book and read the affirmation together.4 Those mornings felt different. Calmer. More connected. The day unfolded with more ease. At the time, I did not realize that this simple ritual was regulating our nervous systems and strengthening our connection. Now I know, it was not a coincidence. It was science at work.

When cues of safety are present—warm tone, eye contact, gentle facial expressions—the nervous system shifts into the state where curiosity, empathy, and communication thrive.1 This “connection mode” is the biological soil in which essential life skills bloom.  

From Correction to Curiosity

Looking back at those morning car rides, I was focused on coaching “friendly greetings” and social etiquette. I did not pause to consider that her nervous system might have been working hard just to manage the moment.

Instead of trying to shape her behavior, I could have led with curiosity:

“How does your body feel walking up to school?”
“Does anything feel tight or uncomfortable?”
“Would it help if I walked with you for a bit?”

Curiosity opens the door for understanding. Rather than controlling behavior, it invites collaboration and emotional attunement. Over time, that safety plants the seeds of self-awareness (“How am I feeling right now?”) and self-management (“What helps me calm down?”). Curiosity questions open the door for connection. This is authentic partnership. The adult sets limits (kind and firm), from connection instead of control. As attachment research has repeatedly shown, children internalize emotional regulation through warm, responsive presence.5

The Science of Co-Regulation

Co-regulation is the process by which an attuned adult helps a child’s nervous system return to safety.6 Parents often do this intuitively with babies. Think of your soothing tone, rocking, gentle touch, and more. This remains essential through adolescence. Dr. Siegel refers to it as “interpersonal neurobiology”, the way relationships shape the brain’s architecture.7

When we offer consistent signals of safety: eye contact, slow pace, routines—we are helping wire our child’s prefrontal cortex for flexible thinking, empathy, and impulse control. These are the building blocks of essential life skills such as:

  • Self-awareness: noticing body sensations and emotions
  • Self-management: practicing calming and grounding
  • Social awareness: understanding that others’ behavior often reflects nervous system states
  • Relationship skills: maintaining connection even during conflict
  • Responsible decision-making: choosing actions that align with safety, empathy, and respect.8

This is why “connection before correction” is a grounded strategy for social and emotional growth and is regulating for the adult as well as the child – of all ages. When we lead with empathy, we model the very competencies we hope to nurture in our children. It takes time and practice and it’s okay not to get it right all the time. We can repair harm at any time. We are human!

Making It Happen: Simple Connection Strategies for Caregivers

The 9-Minute Tool

Late neuroscientist Dr. Jaak Panksepp is widely credited for the theory which focuses on three key interactions each day to help a child feel happier and more secure.
The 3 times include:

  • The first 3 minutes after they wake up.
  • The first 3 minutes after they come home from school.
  • The last 3 minutes before they go to bed.

It’s less about the specific number of minutes and more about creating meaningful interactions. Some days it might be shorter or longer, the predictability and quality of attention matter most.

Transitions are often dysregulation hotspots. Create anchoring moments ahead of time:

  • A shared morning affirmation (Louise Hay’s I Think, I Am! is great for all ages.)
  • A five-minute “re-entry routine” after school—snack, music, or play before questions. Set up a consistent routine to soothe your child’s senses.
  • A bedtime gratitude or breathing ritual to close the day with calm connection.

When in a calm nervous system state, well after a meltdown, we can invite gentle reflection:
“What did your body feel like before?”
“What helped it feel safer?”
“What could we try next time?”

These caring questions help children make sense of their experiences, strengthening both emotional understanding (self awareness) and executive functioning.

That night, sitting with my daughter, I thanked her for her honesty. I also told her: “If I could revisit one morning, I’d put my hand on your arm, take a breath, and say, ‘You’ve got this, and I’m right here if you need me.’ “

Love this tool? Here are numerous simple and PRINTABLE tools to check out:

Connection before correction is not only for our children—it’s for us. Every moment we choose curiosity over control, compassion over compliance, we reshape our shared nervous system. Every repair we make becomes a signal of safety, an invitation to growth. We are all connected. It’s never too late to start.

References:
  1. Porges, S. W. (2018). The pocket guide to the polyvagal theory: The transformative power of feeling safe. W.W. Norton & Company.
  2. Mancini, B. G. (2021). The family nervous system: The science of co-regulation and resilience. Family Science Review, 26(2), 45–62.
  3. Bryson, T. P., & Siegel, D. J. (2014). No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam Books.
  4. Hay, L. (2005). Power Thoughts; 365 Daily Affirmations. Hay House. 
  5. Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2018). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
  6. Mancini, B. G. (2021). The family nervous system: The science of co-regulation and resilience. Family Science Review, 26(2), 45–62.
  7. Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
  8. Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL). (2020). What is SEL? https://casel.org/what-is-sel

Lauren Foster, MS, CCC SLP, CNHP, is a speech language pathologist, holistic health practitioner, and family enrichment coach who supports neurodivergent families through a strengths-based, nervous system informed approach. She is the founder of The Powerful Project, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that funds mental health services for neurodivergent teens and young adults, and co-leads The Connected Family Community, providing families with practical tools for regulation, executive functioning, and meaningful connection in everyday life. You can find out more about Lauren’s coaching practice here. Lauren is a mom, stepmom, and Bubbe to an incredible 10-year-old Autistic grandson, and splits her time between Georgia and South Carolina.


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Posted on February 26, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Learning With Our Children and Teens This Centennial Black History Month

Original Photo by William Lovelace/Express/Getty Images with Illustration by Jennifer Miller

This month, we recognize 100 years of elevating black history in the month of February. The theme for Black History Month is “A Century of Black History Commemorations.” Dr. Carter G. Woodson, a pioneering historian, educator, and author of the book “Father of Black History,” first established “Negro History Week” in 1926. Dr. Woodson, raised by his parents who were former slaves, devoted his life’s work and study — earning a doctorate from Harvard — to researching, learning, and preserving Black history.

This month encourages all of us to educate our children and learn for ourselves much of what we likely did not learn through our own schooling — the full history of the American story and indeed our World’s story and how it has both impacted Black lives and how Black lives have shaped history.

We encourage you to consider: How are you, in your own role, explicitly seeking to understand our history with Black Americans or as a Black American and what are you doing to create a more just world?

Certainly, teaching our children about the history of slavery, the actions and champions of nonviolent change, the important work of abolitionists and understanding white privilege historically and currently is an important start. In order to maximize your support as you engage with your family or students, we are listing a wide range of resources here.

  • Check out the Smithsonian’s National Museum of African-American History and Culture. Try out their interactive map with your family to explore the various destinations through the U.S. where Black Americans were trailblazers of every kind — in communities, in the arts, politics, sports, and more. They’ve also curated podcasts and other quick bite resources for Black History Month. Check them out here!
  • This year, the humanitarian and civil rights leader Jesse Jackson died at the age of 84. His legacy will live on. Learn more about his life and impact.
  • Check out this extensive list of anti-racism resources including articles, webinars, podcasts, books, professional development and guidance on talking about race and anti-racism with children and teens from the American School Counselors Association. 
  • Inspired by our United States’ National Youth Poet Laureate, Amanda Gorman, check out this Facing History and Ourselves’ lesson plan for students grades 6-12, and an article on a young Cleveland poet’s reactions to her poem, “The Hill We Climb.”
  • Teaching Tolerance’s Coshandra Dillard, provides insights here about focusing on liberation, creativity, and the identities and incredible contributions made by Black Americans. 
  • Our family has made a number of trips to the National Underground Railroad Freedom Center in my original hometown, Cincinnati, Ohio to learn and experience together. They have numerous online resources including understanding slavery today and how to get involved in being an abolitionist.

Get to Know Organizations That Provide Education on Black History and Promote Racial Healing and Justice

LiberatED – This organization does important work with schools, youth, and communities to promote racial healing and justice. Learn more about the work on LiberatED, join their newsletter, and learn ways you can get involved.

Facing History and Ourselves – This organization works globally with middle and high schools to provide tools and resources to support learning. They “use lessons of history to challenge teachers and their students to stand up to racism, antisemitism, and other forms of bigotry and hate.” They offer lessons that not only teach historical events, people, and places but also promote empathy, dialogue, critical thinking, ethical decision-making and compassion. If you homeschool or simply want to supplement your child’s learning at home, their resource library is extensive! Check it out!

Southern Poverty Law Center; Learning for Justice – This organization was founded in 1971 as a small law firm in the deep south in order to stand up for civil rights. It has since grown as an education and thought leader and emphasizes shared purpose and community around racial justice. Check out their articles and resources from some of the top thinkers in today’s civil rights movement.

Learn about Black Americans Who Shaped Our History

We have not heard enough about the Black Americans who have shaped American history in every area of our lives including politics, law, religion, music, fine art, athletics, science, innovation, and more. Test your own knowledge and see how many you can name! Then, be sure and share these profiles with your family.

12 Notable Figures in Black History: Photos: https://www.history.com/articles/black-history-key-figures

9 Leaders from Black History You Should Know: https://www.facinghistory.org/ideas-week/9-leaders-black-history-you-should-know

31 History-Making Black Americans Everyone Should Know: https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/g25954127/african-american-historical-figures/

How will you give your family an experience of Black history this month to deepen your empathy, compassion, understanding of justice?

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