What If We Taught Teens How to Talk to Us?
By Guest Author Renee Kretz
If you have a teenager, you probably recognize the following scene. You ask, “Did you turn in that assignment?” You get a grunt. You ask again. Now there is an eye roll and, “You’re so annoying.” Somehow, a reasonable question about homework has become an argument.
Teenagers have been part of my life for more than 20 years, through my work and at home. My husband and I have six children between us, so I have watched these moments unfold many times.
I have learned that what looks like attitude is not always just attitude. When teens feel criticized, embarrassed, or cornered, emotions can take over before they find the words to explain themselves. The same kid who can deliver a ten-minute closing argument, complete with supporting evidence, about why they need $150 sneakers can suddenly lose all command of spoken language when you ask about three wet towels on the floor. That does not excuse disrespect. But adults have more experience managing emotions, so we need to model the communication we expect teens to learn.
In my ebook, Real Talk: A Teen’s Guide to Communicating With Your Parents in the Digital Age, I describe conflict as a seesaw. When teen emotions rise and we match their intensity, the conversation becomes a power struggle. Our job is to restore balance without surrendering authority or avoiding the problem.
Here are four ways to do just that…
1. Pause long enough to regain control of your response.
A reset might mean taking five slow breaths before answering or stepping away for longer. There is no required amount of time. The goal is to give yourself enough space to decide how to handle the situation without avoiding it. If you need to step away, say, “I hear you. I need a few minutes so I can give you my full attention. We are going to finish this conversation, just not while we’re both upset.” If your teen keeps pushing, calmly repeat, “I’m not avoiding this. We will talk about it, but not like this.”
Your teen may sigh, mutter, or make one final comment. You do not need to have the last word.
CPCK Note: “Authoritative parenting” is the style of parenting that research has shown produces the healthy, thriving outcomes we hope for with our teens. In authoritative parenting, any poor choices are viewed as opportunities for learning. The adult is kind and supportive and also, firm with boundaries.
Being authoritative does not mean controlling every sentence. It means remaining clear, steady, and dependable. Return to the conversation once you are calm enough to lead it productively. The pause should last as long as you need to control your response, but it should not become a way to avoid the issue.
2. Focus on what happened, then ask for a plan.
Calling your teen “lazy, irresponsible, or careless” turns one behavior into a judgment about who they are. They will defend themselves instead of dealing with the actual problem. Stay with the facts and make the expectation clear: “You have three missing assignments, and you are now failing math. Turning in your work is not optional, and this needs to be fixed. I want the plan to come from you. Tell me what you’re going to do, when the work will be submitted, and how you’ll keep this from happening again.”
If your teen cannot form a plan, help them break down the problem without taking it over: “Which assignment will you start with? What can you finish today? Is there anything you need from your teacher before you can begin?” The parent can help organize the steps, but the teen should make the choices and do the work. Once the plan is clear, repeat it back: “You said you will email your teacher tonight, complete the first assignment tomorrow, and submit everything by Friday. You’ll show me the submissions in the school portal when they are done.” Then state a consequence that will realistically follow. If you suspect social screen time has been a disrupter to your teen’s ability to accomplish their work then, a natural real world consequence that follows would be: “If you do not follow the plan, non-school screen time will pause until the missing work is submitted.” If the deadline passes, do not give another lecture or invent a consequence. Return to the commitment: “You made a plan, and you did not follow it. The consequence we discussed now applies.” The parent sets the expectation and follows through with a real world consequence that directly relates to the ball that has been dropped. This is a way a parent can support a teen in setting boundaries and following through of his/her commitments.The teen owns the plan and the responsibility to carry it out.
3. Explain the boundary without defending it.
Being authoritative does not require a “because I said so.” Give your teen enough information to understand the decision, but do not keep adding reasons every time they challenge it. Over-explaining can make a firm boundary sound open for negotiation. Try: “You don’t have to agree with my decision, but I want you to understand it. I’m saying no because ____. You can tell me how you feel about it, but my answer is still no.” Listening to your teen does not require changing your decision. They deserve to be heard, but they do not get a vote on every boundary. Explain it once, answer reasonable questions, and then let the decision stand.
Good communication is not the absence of authority. It is being clear about both the reason and the limit.
4. Teach your teen how to communicate.
We often tell teens to “communicate respectfully” without teaching them what that actually means. Communication is a skill, and like any skill, it needs to be explained, modeled, and practiced.
Start with a clear standard: feelings are allowed; behaviors have limits. Your teen can be angry, frustrated, or disappointed. They still need to communicate without yelling, insulting, interrupting, slamming things, or staring at a phone while someone else is speaking. Feelings may need to be articulated and accepted as normal first before diving into further conversation.
Teach both sides of the conversation. Listening means putting down the phone, facing the person speaking, making appropriate eye contact, and allowing them to finish. Speaking means paying attention to tone and body language, explaining what happened, and saying what you need without attacking the other person. Parents must model those same behaviors. In Real Talk, I give teens three questions to guide difficult conversations: What happened? What could you have done differently? What will you do next?
A parent can use the same structure by asking, “Tell me what happened. What could you have done differently, and what are you going to do now?” If the answer is “I don’t know,” ask, “Do you need time to think about it, or do you need help figuring out what to say?” If they need time, decide together when you will return to the question. If they need help, guide them through one question at a time without supplying the answers.
Your teen does not need to agree with you or deliver a perfect apology. They do need to listen, speak respectfully, acknowledge their part, and explain what they will do differently. Those skills become habits when parents teach them, model them, and consistently expect them.
We cannot expect teens to communicate like adults simply because we’ve told them to. We have to teach the skills, model them under pressure, and give teens repeated opportunities to practice. That is how we raise adults who can disagree, take responsibility, and still communicate.
About the Author:
Renee Kretz is an educator, entrepreneur, youth mentor, and founder of Mi-Era, a focus and study-planning app for teens. For more than 20 years, she has helped young people strengthen communication, confidence, and personal responsibility. She is also the author of Real Talk: A Teen’s Guide to Communicating With Your Parents in the Digital Age and a mother in a blended family of six children.
