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Posted on February 10, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Valuable Lessons from the Walk for Peace

Perhaps you’ve caught a glimpse on the news or in social media of the so-far 108-day Walk for Peace that 20 monks are leading along with a stray dog turned one walker, “Aloka,” meaning “light.” They began their walk on October 26, 2025 at their monastery in Fort Worth, Texas and have travelled 2,300 miles all the way to Washington D.C. today. They walk to promote compassion, unity, and peace. They stop to rest, eat meals, and speak to a wide range of communities. When they do, they speak about why they are walking. They say that peace begins within each one of us and also, in family life. They’ve walked (some with bare feet, others with sandals) on ice, snow, and in sub-zero temperatures. They walk often in silence because their walking is a meditation. In a country and world where violence and injustice are far too common, the simple act of walking across country — giving out their flowers and blessing cords — offers great comfort and solace to many. 

As I listened to their words, it reinforced again that the proving ground — where peace is learned and practiced — is home – and in family life. With those we love and count on daily, we have the chance to practice over and again the hardest, most challenging skills. These skills have two layers — our own practices and how we teach our children — and they remain inextricably linked, interdependent. These may include:

  • returning to a centered, focused, grounded place in your body, heart, and spirit;
  • dealing with darker or more uncomfortable emotions constructively;
  • solving problems collaboratively with loved ones;
  • learning from differences in opinions;
  • approaching differences with curiosity and care:
  • working through disagreements in healthy ways;
  • taking ownership of one’s own roles and feelings in a problem;
  • seeking empathy and understanding for another’s pain or role in a conflict;
  • holding paradox with grace and patience such as, my emotional needs may conflict with your needs;
  • repairing harm when we are the cause of hurt or harm;
  • clearing the air directly with the individual in conflict versus avoiding or circumventing by going to others;
  • seeking and offering forgiveness; and 
  • restoring trust and deepening connection.

Because the monks’ lessons about peace are fundamental, there’s much we can learn for ourselves and promote with our families. Here are just a few reflections from this important Walk for Peace.

– Peace is an inside job. No one can do it for you. That means that pursuing ways of calming your inner space matter…for yourself and in teaching your children and teens. Whether you meditate, use a calm app, deep breathe, or do yoga, each of us is responsible for creating our own inner peace.

– Peace is a family responsibility. The monks have shared that they believe that family life is where peace is taught and practiced. How? In the midst of chaos or conflict, working together on peaceful ways to speak to one another and work through conflict becomes an essential set point for how to act when not at home and out in the world. The ripple effect from our teaching peace in family life is immeasurable.

– Peace is active. Peace — though we may think of it as a calm state of being — is not a passive state but requires intention and action.

– Peace can be taught and practiced. In fact, when Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was getting started with the civil rights movement, many followers encouraged violent retaliation. Dr. King travelled in person to India to meet with Mahatma Gandhi, a champion of nonviolent demonstration and civil disobedience, to learn about how to lead a nonviolent movement. Our own teaching of our children matters greatly as they encounter divergent views and those who might cause harm. How do children respond in ways that do not escalate the conflict or create more harm and also, keep them safe? Family life is the place for our very own peace curriculum. See resources below to get started!

At the moment of this writing, the monks are visiting a school in Washington D.C. speaking about the purpose of their walk. If you want to follow their journey, check out the link below. Also, they plan to do a livestream of a global loving kindness meditation. If you have the chance, join in yourself or with your family and contribute to the cause.

Here’s more on the livestream of the loving kindness meditation.

The livestream video will be available on this page at the time mentioned in the post below.

Join with the Walk for Peace Monks in a Global Loving-Kindness Meditation – Feb 11, 2026

We warmly invite everyone from everywhere in our nation and the whole world to join us for a special loving-kindness meditation session with us and Venerable Bhikkhu Pannakara.

  Wednesday, February 11, 2026 (Our Day 109)

  4:30–7:30 PM EST

  George Washington University Smith Center

  Online Livestream

This meditation session will be livestreamed on their Facebook page and website so that everyone can join them at the same time, no matter where you are in the world.

The Monks’ message about this event:

With the collective loving-kindness meditation from everyone in the whole world, it will make a significant effect on our world. When thousands of hearts meditate together in the same moment, our loving-kindness ripples outward, touching hearts, healing wounds, and planting seeds of peace everywhere. Whether you join us in person or online from your home—your presence matters. Your meditation matters. Your loving-kindness matters.

Please mark your calendars and invite your friends, family, and community to join. Together, we will join in meditation and send loving-kindness to all beings everywhere.

Livestream available on:

Facebook: Walk for Peace

Website: https://dhammacetiya.com/walk-for-peace/global-meditation/

Some resources for teaching peace in family life:

Family Emotional Safety Plan – This is a tool in which you can plan for heated emotions and how you will calm down before trying to respond.

Fighting Fairly Family Pledge – This lists the kinds of fighting we need to avoid that cause harm and also lists the kinds of fighting that are generative, promote greater communication, conflict resolution and healthy relationships. The whole family can sign the pledge to become intentional about doing it together.

Make a Peace Rose – Whether you make or buy and designate a peace rose in your home, this article will help you prepare your children to use it. When they are fighting, one goes and gets the rose and offers it to the other. This gesture means “let’s work this out together.” They learn, through experience, a process for collaboratively resolving their problems.

Use the Traffic Light Model – Practice the traffic light model as a game first and then, encourage family members to use it when conflict arises. Check it out!

For Parents, check out this essential book:

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B. Rosenberg and Arun Gandhi

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Posted on February 2, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Happy Groundhog Day! Disrupting Patterns with the Same Parent-Child Battles

A parent at a workshop expressed, “My son talks back and it gets me so mad. I know I’m probably contributing to his acting out but it sets me off every time.” “It feels like my daughter tries to get me upset. Why would she do that?” another lamented. When we have identified patterns in our children’s behavior that we want to change — particularly those that push our hottest buttons — how do we change them?

In fact, that is the time when we have to examine our own reactions. Consider that children’s behavior will indeed change when adults’ reactions change. There may be an adjustment period as they experience you differently but ultimately, children will adapt to their caregiver’s choices and reactions. The good news is that our reaction is something we can control. The challenge for us then becomes how do we change, and how do we know what behaviors to shift toward in order to elicit a more constructive reaction? You might ask the following key questions:

  • What patterns in my child’s behaviors do I want to change?
  • What behaviors would I like to see my child adopt instead in those same circumstances?
  • How can my reactions to their undesirable behaviors demonstrate the behaviors I would like to see in them – so that I am modeling what I want to see reflected back to me?

“I know what I don’t want to do, but I’m not sure what I can do instead.” said a parent as we further discussed challenges. Often it is easier to look back on the experiences from our childhood and know exactly what we don’t want to repeat. But if we haven’t explored the connections between our current parenting challenges and our experiences as children related to similar issues, we may – consciously or unconsciously – repeat them. We get caught up in a cycle of shame and guilt and then fear and regret when we feel out of control with our children and at times, ourselves.

And there’s brain science to explain why that occurs. Our experiences from our own childhoods are part of our mental wiring. That’s why when children challenge us, we feel it can bring out our worst selves. Parenting from the Inside Out authors explain it this way:

Experiences that are not fully processed may create unresolved and leftover issues that influence how we react to our children…When this happens our responses toward our children often take the form of strong emotional reactions, impulsive behaviors, distortions in our perceptions or sensations in our bodies. These intense states of mind impair our ability to think clearly and remain flexible and affect our interactions and relationships with our children.1

The good news is that patterns can be changed. You can get out of that cycle of shame, guilt, fear and regret. Countless individuals have been able to raise their children in ways that align with their values, changing patterns from their pasts. These individuals are sons and daughters of parents with mental illness, alcoholism and drug addiction and the behaviors that are associated with those illnesses including emotional and physical violence and abuse. Parents with those kinds of experiences as part of their childhood story may not perpetuate an addiction themselves but be quickly wounded when a child lashes out and may be prone to lash back.

So the big question is “How do you change those patterns?” The only path to truly addressing patterns we don’t want to repeat is through self-awareness, intentionality, goal setting, practice (a.k.a. diligent work on it) and a commitment to continual learning. Perhaps that means seeking a counselor to share your childhood story with to work on processing themes from your past. Perhaps that means journaling, reading and reflecting on how you can heal your own wounds. Certainly it requires learning about how you will replace the old behaviors with new behaviors. Instead of yelling when my child won’t get out of the door on time and we are going to be late for school, what can I do? What can I say? And most importantly, how can I help myself deal with my own emotions in that moment so that I am able to bring a better self to the moment?

Build your own self-awareness first.
We all have blind spots – aspects of ourselves we are simply too close to see. That is why seeking support is so critical. Coaches, counselors, therapists and other mental health professionals are trained to listen to our stories and then reflect our blind spots back to us to help raise our self-awareness.

Have you ever said something that, perhaps, had been in your mind but never articulated out loud? And when you did say it out loud to another person, just the act of articulating it gave you your own “aha” insight into yourself. Those moments of raised self-awareness are essential if we are going to grow as parents and bring the selves we want to bring to our children. In addition to talking with a trained professional, reflection is another way to raise self-awareness. Use a journal dedicated solely to parenting and understanding what you bring to parenting from your own childhood. Write out links between your current challenges and how those same kinds of challenges were handled when you were young. Here are a few questions to get you started:

  • What are the behaviors your children exhibit that challenge you the most?
  • How do you feel when those behaviors occur?
  • What actions do you typically take when they occur? What words do you usually use?
  • Do those words and actions align with your values in life and for parenting? Do they align with what you want to teach your child? How do you know? Here’s the ultimate test — If your child repeated your words and actions in public, would you be glad, proud or ashamed, guilty or angry? If the latter is the case, then it’s time to re-evaluate.
  • Consider those current kid behaviors that challenge you in the context of your own childhood. Did you exhibit those behaviors? If so, how did your parents react to you? How did you feel in those moments?
  • And did your parents happen to act in a similar challenging way (to those kid behaviors)? If so, how? And when they did act that way, how did you feel at the time? How did you react at the time? Is it similar to your current reactions to your children?
  • If you have discovered through your reflections that your words and actions do not align with your values and have uncovered childhood wounds, how can you first address those hurts? How can you deal with them, work to understand them and be compassionate toward the child you were? Consider whether you might need support on the journey toward healing.
  • Then, how can you accept that your big feelings – when your child acts out – are reasonable considering your upbringing?
  • Finally, how can you find ways to learn about dealing with your current feelings in the moments of great challenge? How can you learn what words and actions would align with your values as a parent? And how can you begin to practice new ways of being?

___________________________________

Gretchen Rubin, author of Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of our Everyday Lives studied what we can do and has a helpful set of suggestions. 2 Though many of her examples are related to weight loss and getting physically healthy, they translate well into parenting habits we want to replace. She offers some helpful supports for making desired changes and I offer my parenting spin on the following.

Define your goal. First, she writes that it matters whether you are prevention or promotion-oriented. So consider, do you prefer to stop eating junk foods or do you prefer to start eating healthy foods? It may seem like semantics but the way you frame your goal or intention will help you follow through on it and stay motivated. If you are prevention oriented, your goal may be to stop the yelling. If you are promotion oriented, your goal may focus on promoting calming down strategies when family members are upset.

Learn. An important part of changing patterns is learning how to act differently. We cannot do that without seeking outside resources. Explore sites, articles and books that seem to be in alignment with your values and spend time learning about what has worked for others. In addition, be certain that you include reading about your own child’s developmental milestones. So often, challenging kid behaviors are related to their learning and developmental process so your understanding of those issues will extend your empathy, compassion and patience.

Experiment for a Limited Timeframe. We learn new ways to parent just as we learn other skills in life often, best through trial and error. Why not decide on a plan for how you will react next time that predicable, but undesirable pattern crops up and you get angry at your child? How can you plan to react differently just for one week? What will you do? For example, you could utter aloud “stop,” for your own benefit and your child’s and go inside yourself to calm down and recall your plan before reacting with anger. Ask yourself, “what’s my child’s motivation here? How can I build empathy for their misguided attempts at attention or power? And how can I help them achieve attention or power positively, constructively?” Set short timeframes – even a day or two – and help yourself become successful in trying out new strategies. Keep what works and then…

Create a ritual or routine. Rubin writes about the virtue of starting with a clean slate, meaning finding a time in life that is already a turning point (a move, a new job, a new grade level for your child) and begin your change at that point. But you need not wait for a major life change to get started. You can create one by developing a ritual or establishing a routine. Want to yell less? Perhaps you create a routine of “inside voice level” talk with your whole family. Ask members, “How can we help each other to remember to keep our voices at a reasonable level?” and “What can we do to calm down when we are getting angry at one another?” If you decide that each family member agrees to take five deep breathes in the midst of a conflict, then practice and make it a routine. Each time there’s a disagreement, before it escalates too far, remind each other to take five deep breathes. Do what you can to help yourself remember so that you become consistent with your new routine. This not only supports changing your behavior, it also changes your brain wiring as you act with consistency. And in turn, your children will react accordingly.

Take care. Changing an undesirable pattern takes focus, commitment, persistence and hard work. That means that if you are sleep deprived, you are going to be much less likely to have the capacity to follow through on your new routines or practices. If you are serious about changing a pattern, then you need to get serious about your own self care at the same time. Rubin writes that

It’s helpful to begin with habits that most directly strengthen our self-control: these habits serve as the foundation of all our habits. They protect us from getting so physically taxed or mentally frazzled that we can’t manage ourselves. 2

– Gretchen Rubin, “Better Than Before; Mastering the Habits of our Everyday Lives”

These habits are ones that help us to sleep, move, eat and drink right and unclutter. It may feel like an onslaught of goals to try and tackle a parenting challenge along with eating healthier. But the truth is one will support the other. The aforementioned areas will help reinforce other patterns you are trying to change by meeting your physical and emotional basic needs allowing you to focus on your goal – your desired behavioral changes.

Schedule it. If it’s in the calendar, it gets done. It’s just that simple. If it’s not in the calendar, it’s not likely to be accomplished. So go ahead and book your practice toward achieving your goal. Maybe you put in your calendar practicing deep breathing for five minutes each day after you drop your child off at school. Maybe you schedule your practice with your child after school to bring some accountability to your practice. I find if I am focused on teaching my son, I am much more committed to the task. Writing down a regular time to practice implementing the new behavior will assist you in following through and actually doing it.

Establish accountability. Certainly you are accountable to that sweet face that is your child and she is what likely incited you to develop a goal in the first place. However it is helpful to establish multiple points of accountability to support you and keep you on track. Rubin writes that

Accountability is a powerful factor in habit formation, and a ubiquitous feature in our lives. If we believe that someone’s watching, we behave differently. 2

– Gretchen Rubin

So how can you make yourself accountable? One first step is to let all family members know that you are working on yelling less and require their support. If they’ve noticed you’ve yelled that day, you could ask for them to give you that feedback, gently and kindly, by the day’s end. You could agree upon a hand signal to use that will help everyone moderate their voices. I often use a kitchen timer to help me remain on task or remind me to change gears. How can you find a way to make yourself accountable?

Recognize steps. No one person can skip from A to Z, from failing to succeeding, from irate to fully calm. But it’s critical that we recognize our steps along the way to keep up our motivation. We have to see some progress to feel like we can forge ahead. So be realistic about your steps forward. Recognize when you have made changes, even if small, even if for one day. Call it out to family members or write it down in your calendar. “My child came home from school and had a frustration meltdown. I kept calm and didn’t yell.” Those small steps represent your progress toward permanent habit changes. Give yourself credit for each step of the way.

One of my favorite quotes from experts on change is “When change is successful, it is the quality of the little things that makes the final difference.” 3 Becoming a parent helps uncover our identity in a way that no other experience can. If we embrace that fact as an opportunity for greater learning and development, we can become the person and the parent we truly want to be.

References

  1. Siegel, D. & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out, How a Deeper Self Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. NY: Penguin Group.
  2. Rubin, G. (2015). Better than Before, Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives. London, UK: Two Roads Books.
  3. Hall, G.E. & Hord, S.M. (2001). Implementing Change, Patterns, Principles and Potholes. Needham Heights, MA: Allyn and Bacon.

Originally published March 3, 2016.

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Posted on January 29, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

At Confident Parents, We Believe… Last Day, Call for Writers!

At Confident Parents, Confident Kids…We believe:

  • the pen is mightier than the sword.
  • our words can be transformative for parents.
  • we are an important part of the village parents require.
  • we need more wisdom and support for parents.
  • parenting is the hardest and most important job in the world.
  • parents influence our world in vital ways.
  • we champion this next generation and prepare them to lead us to a better world when we support parents now.
  • in starting a revolution right at home with your own children by teaching them essential life skills in knowing who they are, how they can create and sustain healthy relationships, and how they can make responsible decisions and contribute to making the world a better place.

Thank you to the educators, psychologists and #SEL experts who have already shared ideas for writing this season. You have one more day! Ideas are due tomorrow Friday, January 30th by C.O.B. for publishing an article with us this winter or spring. Here’s more below.. Or learn more here: https://confidentparentsconfidentkids.org/invitation-for-articles/.

Eager to reflect on how what you are learning professionally about advancing children’s and/or teen’s development along with essential life skills?

We hope you’ll consider writing an article for Confident Parents, Confident Kids! All authors must have credentials/experience in education and/or psychology with background in child or adolescent development and be actively parenting in your own home. A diverse range of perspectives is encouraged. Articles must align with the research base.

The site enjoys daily visitors from 152 countries around the world and a follow-ship of more than 24,000. Help initiate important dialogue making the connection between parenting at each age and stage and your children’s (and your own!) development. 

If interested, please email confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com with the subject line: “Article Idea from an Educator!” Please include your idea (parenting opportunity/challenge), how it connects to a life skill building opportunity (in your child and yourself!), and the ages/stages of children you are writing about. Also, please include a short bio or resume.

All proposed ideas are due by January 30, 2026. We’ll review and get back to you on whether you’ll be published this winter/spring by February 5, 2026.

We hope you’ll join our parent-led community of practice by contributing! We are so excited to learn from how you are bringing to life the science of child and adolescent development to benefit your children in your own personal parenting!

All the best,
Jennifer Miller, M.Ed., Founder and…

Senior Lead Writers: Shannon Wanless, Jason Miller, Jenny Woo, Mike Wilson, Nikkya Hargrove, and Lorea Martinez

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Posted on January 22, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Call for Articles!

Confident Parents, Confident Kids “merits the attention of anyone working in social, emotional and character development who wants a place to send parents for ideas and advice and dialogue.”

– Maurice Elias, Professor of Psychology; Director, Rutgers Social-Emotional and Character Development Lab; Co-Director, Rutgers Collaborative Center for Community-Based Research and Service

Eager to reflect on how what you are learning professionally about advancing children’s and/or teen’s development along with essential life skills?

We hope you’ll consider writing an article for Confident Parents, Confident Kids! All authors must have credentials/experience in education and/or psychology with background in child or adolescent development and be actively parenting in your own home. A diverse range of perspectives is encouraged. Articles must align with the research base.

The site enjoys daily visitors from 152 countries around the world and a follow-ship of more than 24,000. Help initiate important dialogue making the connection between parenting at each age and stage and your children’s (and your own!) development. 

If interested, please email confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com with the subject line: “Article Idea from an Educator!” Please include your idea (parenting opportunity/challenge), how it connects to a life skill building opportunity (in your child and yourself!), and the ages/stages of children you are writing about. Also, please include a short bio or resume.

You can learn more here: https://confidentparentsconfidentkids.org/invitation-for-articles/. All proposed ideas are due by January 29, 2026. We’ll review and get back to you on whether you’ll be published this winter/spring by February 5, 2025.

We hope you’ll join our parent-led community of practice by contributing! We are so excited to learn from how you are bringing to life the science of child and adolescent development to benefit your children in your own personal parenting!

All the best,
Jennifer Miller, M.Ed., Founder and…

Senior Lead Writers: Shannon Wanless, Jason Miller, Jenny Woo, Mike Wilson, Nikkya Hargrove, and Lorea Martinez

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Posted on January 19, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Teaching our Children about Living Dr. King’s Vision

When we think of the civil rights movement or we consider our current circumstances, we may think of a country divided. But Martin Luther King Jr.’s message and the vision that galvanized so many to act bravely in the face of fear, consisted of values that any person in any corner of the world can aspire to. They are values that, when lived, have the potential to unify. So when you are talking with your children today about why we celebrate Martin Luther King Jr., be sure and include those values that he articulated and modeled and that so many were able to demonstrate through their actions. Think about small ways in which you might demonstrate those values in your day-to-day life. If you do so, you will be honoring the memory of all those throughout time whose lives and livelihoods were threatened and despite that, made choices that aligned with the best of who we can be.

Martin Luther King Jr. valued:

Hope. He said, “We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” It’s incredibly easy to complain about our life circumstances. But if we view ourselves as individuals with choices who can learn from our mistakes, we begin to take responsibility for our actions. And we can work on forgiving those who have hurt us. We can reflect on and evaluate our mistakes so that they become our curriculum. And with that learning mindset, we have hope. Because there’s always a chance to grow wiser and make better decisions. We want our children too to learn that there’s always a second chance. There’s always room to grow and give our best. And there’s always an opportunity to contribute who we are to better the world around us.

Ask: When we approach a problem with our children, do we show hope (or do we show a resignation or feel they might let us down)? How can we incorporate expressions of hope? How can we increase encouraging words and our show of confidence that each family member can make positive choices?

Small Actions: Your reactions to your children’s problems model how they will learn to deal with problems so it’s worth reflecting on those reactions. Consider one time you had a problem with your child. For example, perhaps she got frustrated with her math homework and refused to do it. Think about how you reacted. Now re-imagine that same scenario with you expressing and demonstrating hope. Think through exactly what you might say instead. For example, “I hear you are frustrated. But I know you are capable of doing it and more. It just may take some time and focus.”

Character. He said, “The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character – that is the goal of true education.” Character is the true expression of an individual, their integrity. It means knowing and expressing who we are – self-awareness – which requires regular reflection. It also means regularly examining ways we can fine-tune who we are and how we express to benefit ourselves and others. So morality or ethics is a critical part of the equation. We only pursue the ways in which our lives can contribute to the deepening of our individual expression and measure that in terms of how it also contributes to the growth and development of others and the environment.

Ask: What are ways in which we promote the character of our children in our family life? How do we encourage responsibility? How do we offer choices to give our children practice with thinking about consequences? How do we guide our children to consider others’ perspectives in any given problem? How do we offer a model of empathy and compassion by expressing others’ viewpoints ourselves?

Small Actions: Though children may experience an inner voice, they do yet have an understanding of their inner moral compass and how it may steer them. In addition, that sense of ethics is constantly changing in all of us – being informed by our environment and by learning from past challenges. So consider how often you guide reflection with your children. Do you ask them questions about their thinking? Do you ask them about their choices and the impact on themselves and others? Those reflections will help promote a child’s thinking skills so that they learn to go through those mental processes on their own when faced with difficult decisions. Find ways to practice reflective thinking with them and those experiences will significantly contribute to their ability to handle problems at home, at school and in the future lives.

Equality. He said, “I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character.” We can share with our children the value of equality. Though there are differences among every one of us, there are more aspects of who we are that unite us. Every person has the right and responsibility to express who she or he truly is.

Ask: How can you demonstrate equality in family life? How can you help children understand equality not as sameness but as appreciation and respect for all? How can you teach your children inclusion?

Small Actions: Work on observing your own informal talk around your home. Are you expressing critical judgements about others? If so, children learn that judging others is acceptable. How can you begin to notice your language? And when you do, how can you incorporate the language of acceptance of differences, perspective-taking and compassion? When others challenge you, search for ways to learn more about yourself, others, and the experience.

Peace. He said, “Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal.” We still live in a world in which many believe that violence can teach, that violence can solve problems. Martin Luther King Jr. taught that it’s impossible to use violence to end violence. Instead peace must be the vehicle for establishing peace. So many of us have inner turmoil we are actively managing day to day. As we work on dealing with our own pain and suffering, we make regular choices about how we cope and process those feelings. If we stuff them down and allow them to build and finally explode, then we are putting our loved ones in danger. Instead, we can set boundaries for fighting in family life such as, “We will never use violence or physical harm of any kind in our arguments.” And we can plan for our upset emotions ahead of time so that we never risk hurting family members. We can find ways to express and let go of our hurt in safe, constructive ways over time.

Did you know language can be violent as well? Criticims, contempt, blame, character defamation, sarcasm, defensiveness, and mockery can all do harm to another person. They are violent forms of language. Yet, it’s likely we’ve encountered violent language so much in our lives that it can come naturally to us. So we have to unlearn some old patterns in order to use safe language. For more, check out the bestselling book by Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication; A Language of Life with a foreward by Arun Gandhi, grandson of one of the world’s more influential nonviolent leaders, Mahatma Gandhi — who also directly instructed Dr. King on nonviolence.

Ask: How can promote peace in my family life? How can my words become more empowering and less accusatory? How can my tone of voice become one of inspiration, not condemnation? And how can my smallest actions particularly when angry show that I value peace as the vehicle for promoting peace in the world?

Small Actions: The best way each of us can promote peace in the world is by starting in our family lives by not harming those we love through words or actions. Becoming planful about how we manage our emotions can save us from ever regretting our reactions in heated moments. Please visit the Family Emotional Safety Plan to download a simple template you can use for yourself and to start a conversation with family members on this critical issue. In addition, take the Fighting Fair Family Pledge which articulates clear boundaries for arguing while maintaining respect for others.

Service. He said, “Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘What are you doing for others?” and “Everyone can be great because anyone can serve.” The theme of service – of doing for others – is a core value for all of our greatest moral leaders including Mahatma Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and Mother Theresa. We have an epidemic in the U.S. of anxious, lonely, and depressed teenagers who would not be so if they knew how their unique qualities could significantly contribute to the world around them. Giving offers us a sense of purpose.

Ask: How do we develop a service mindset among each of our family members? Do we promote and cultivate a culture of kindness, help, and support in our family life? How could we do more to appreciate others and offer regular gratitude for the abundance in our lives? How could we, as adults, model noticing needs and offering care for others?

Small Actions: Notice and appreciate kindness when you see it happen around your home. “You took care of cleaning up your mess and I didn’t have to ask you. That’s taking responsibility and I appreciate you doing that.” Point out kindness when you see it in the world. “Did you notice that woman help that older gentleman through the door at the grocery? How kind of her to notice he needed help.” Do it enough and you will begin to hear your child finding examples of kindness for herself. Read more about how parents can serve in their roles by acting as family servant leaders. And also, learn more about how you can guide your teenage daughter or son to considering how they might find their own sense of purpose.

Love. He said, “We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.”

He said, “I refuse to accept the view that mankind is so tragically bound to the starless midnight of racism and war that the bright daybreak of peace and brotherhood can never become a reality… I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.”

He said, “There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.” So if the only vehicle for peace is by acting out of peace and love, then forgiveness is core to our task. And our job as parents becomes to equip our children to learn to forgive. They will encounter pain despite our best efforts. But we will give them the tools of resilience, of strength if we offer them guidance on the process of healing and forgiving those who have hurt us.

Ask: How do we forgive in our household? Do we find ways to make reparation for harms done? And do we find words and actions that show we are asking for forgiveness? And are we able to grant pardon when someone harms our feelings? Are there new ways we can go about including forgiveness as an expression of love in our family life?

Small Actions: Consider how you model owning your role and responsibility in any family problem. How do you articulate your area of responsibility? When things go sideways, it’s helpful to ask, “what’s my part?” When you do, it opens the doors for others to take responsibility for their roles and it knocks down the wall of “me versus you.” Find times to have honest conversations without judging your children’s actions. Allow them to tell you their problems while you listen with compassion. They will come to you with bigger problems down the line if you offer this kind of small support in day-to-day situations. Consider how you handle hurts whether your own or your child’s. How can you model the language of forgiveness? How can you guide your child to think through actions they might take to make up for harm they have caused?

Of course, love is at the heart of it all. Though outwardly, some may choose to hurt or exclude others, we can be certain that inside, they too feel pain and are convinced they are not loved yet require love desperately to soothe their wounds. Show your love through your attention. Put down devices. Turn off the television. Take children’s hopes seriously. Take their fears seriously. Really listen to what they are telling you. That is the small, slow but powerful way you can best teach your children to love.

Thank you, Martin Luther King Jr. and all those nameless individuals who have demonstrated their values through their daily courageous actions. May we all attempt that show of strength. I am sharing one of Martin Luther King Jr.’s incredible speeches that could be shared as a family today as we remember and apply those teachings to our present context.

Adapted from original post, January, 2017.

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Posted on January 15, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Senior-itis Has Hit! Dealing with Winter’s Lack of Motivation with All Ages – Children and Teens

Post-break winter days seem to be a time when there’s more pressure to perform and less energy for all that performing. Dealing with the extra scarves, boots, and gloves in the morning, the icy streets on the way to school, and the heat blasting drying our skin until it cracks, adds just that little extra chaos and discomfort to throw us off. Lack of movement and lack of fresh air can also contribute to not sleeping well and not feeling our best. Not only are these conditions that may challenge our own motivation, but our children’s and teen’s motivation can become an even greater challenge. This year, the school is calling it “senior-itis” but it’s nothing new in January.

We sense as parents and educators that finding just that right way to engage a child in learning will turn a magical key and motivate a child or teen to work hard to learn what they are expected to learn. Motivation is simply a reason to act. And for adults who work with children, there are numerous moments in every day when we are attempting to inspire or cajole our child into acting in a particular way. Though we know it’s critical, the methods to provide that reason can allude us. And as I’ve heard from some, “I’ve tried it all.” 

From stickers to pizza parties, from payments to candy, adults often resort to extrinsic motivators to get children to get going. But in fact, extrinsic motivators, as the term implies, moves the focus from a child’s internal sense of control to controlling behaviors through outside forces. This can remove some of a child’s sense of agency. And it always takes away their ability to grow essential life skills because they are not allowed the practice of self-discipline, an inner strength, but instead are manipulated by a Jolly Rancher. Though temporarily, stickers or stars can move a child to action, they do not influence their moral development – “this is the right thing to do,” or “this requires hard work” – and so they do not change behavior when you are not present or over time. Remove the sticker and you remove the behavior. 

Emotions and motivation are inextricably linked.1 Emotions fuel our motivation to act. Emotions like happiness, excitement, and curiosity send an “approach” signal and increase energy, optimism, and motivation. Emotions like worry, frustration, or fear send the “avoid” message to steer away from whatever is concerning. With school work producing a whole host of emotions including the avoidance cues, how do we help our students stay engaged?

Here are some simple ideas to engage your child or teen’s motivation to work hard and also, to deal with the tougher emotions that work against motivation.

Listen and observe first.

What is motivating your child or teen to not want to act/work hard/take responsibility? Are they avoiding failure? Is their inner critic on the loud speaker? Are they scared of what peers might think? Discover what the motivational road blocks are before attempting to address the problem. Not only will that insight help you decide on a better response, but it will also create empathy so that you intervene with patience and understanding.

Articulate and normalize feelings.

When you notice that family members are more stressed, when you notice irrational statements, or avoidance behaviors (your child runs to her room and shuts the door hoping to shut out the world), it’s time to focus on their hearts. The embarrassment of having big feelings can add to the struggle. So helping your child or teen become more self aware by identifying what you see, feel and experience with them not only helps normalize their feelings but brings down the heat as they begin to feel understood.

We put up a simple feelings list in the winter time as a reminder. Here’s one you can use! 

Take care of your own feelings – particularly anxiety and frustration.

Yes, emotions are contagious. If you are feeling those avoidance feelings, you may be unwittingly making it harder for your child or teen to feel motivated. You might ask yourself: what can I do daily to help myself return to a place of calm? Journaling, meditation, deep breathing, and exercise can help. Also learning about your child’s or teen’s development and healthy ways you can respond adds to your sense of agency and competence and reduces anxiety.

Co-create a plan for homework frustrations.

You know it’s gonna happen. Your child or teen WILL get frustrated. And that frustration can derail them for some time. It can even mean that an assignment goes unfinished or a test not studied for. So sit down with your student and make a plan! Try out a short brain break. Check out these coping strategies to help your child feel better during their brain break.

Review your routines and each family members’ responsibilities.

Those daily routines can make a significant difference in how your student feels at school whether they get enough sleep at night because of a consistent bedtime routine or whether they get to school focused because of a calm, connected morning routine. Check out this video on the morning routine. Write out a plan for the routine with younger children. Checklists tend to work great for teens who can own their own checklists.

Find moments for creativity and joy.

Perhaps you’ve put away gifts from the holidays. Bring them out for a little playtime. Turn up the music and get your dance on during a homework break. Put out art supplies or a puzzle and see what happens. Engage in some joy and creativity together. When you know it will contribute to your child or teen’s motivation to work hard, it’s worth taking some time out to insert activities in which you’ll be fully present and enjoy each other.

Use direct language.

When it’s time to focus and get to work, share that in a direct way. “Time to get to work.” Nagging or repeating yourself can lead to power struggles inviting argumentation and negotiation.

Prompt student to set own goals for work/learning.

You can begin a homework session by asking your child what their goals are in the time they have. Allow them to set their own goals on how they will focus, how they will work, and when they hope to break. These choices offer them a sense of agency and control over the process. And the goals aim their focus.

Partner with your child’s teachers or teen’s advisor.

If you are concerned about your child’s performance or level of engagement, meet with your child’s teacher to discuss. Even a brief meeting can assure you and your student’s teacher that you are working together toward the same goals – your child’s success. You might ask, “what can we do at home to support what you are doing at school?” We, as responsible parents, may double down at this time and forget that we don’t have to do it all. We have partners who we can engage with to offer extra support at a time when it’s needed most.

Yes, treats at the end of a school day certainly can light up a child’s face when they come home. But they shouldn’t be bait for a particular behavior. In fact, you’ll show your child or teen that you have confidence in them when you trust their inner compass. They too want to be successful in school. They may just need a little extra support this time of year (as we all do). May you feel that support from this parenting village! 

Happy new year! 

References: 

  1. Roseman I. J. (2008). Motivations and emotivations: approach, avoidance, and other tendencies in motivated and emotional behavior, in Handbook of Approach and Avoidance Motivation, ed. Elliot A. J. (New York: Psychology Press; ), 343–366

Adapted from January, 2025.

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Posted on January 8, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

New Year; New Family Routine

Offering Grace for Transition and Co-Planning Routines Together to Maximize Success

Moving back to school and work this week felt messy and jarring for the whole family…the pace, the expectations, the deadlines, and the empty new calendar filling so quickly we are left with blurry vision. As we watch our son struggle with the adjustment, we realize that he’s moving from his true self which includes a slower, more relaxed pace to his adapted self where he participates in multiple extracurriculars and has little extra time. That’s no easy task. In fact, students who never get the chance to change their pace and fall into their natural rhythms can develop persistent anxiety. So we can appreciate the seasons and reasons for breaks and returns. Yet, as parents, it can pose great challenges in consistently promoting healthy habits.

Gretchen Rubin, author of the book Better Than Before, suggests that any major changes in life can be supported and successfully sustained by initiating them at a turning point or natural time of transition.1 Because we feel we are in a cycle of change anyway, adding another change to it feels more in alignment with our lives.

As we’ve moved back into the school schedule, we’ve reflected on how it was chaotic, awkward, and driven by us, the parents despite the fact that we’ve worked hard to instill a sense of responsibility in our son. We know he’s well-rehearsed in all of the tasks he needs to accomplish to get out of the door. Yet, we’ve found ourselves pushing…nagging even. And we know it’s not necessary. Time to revisit our routines! And the new year presents a perfect opportunity to do so.

The holiday freedom can throw us off of our game as we go to bed later and get up later. Then, that first week back from holiday break can typically be a tough one — getting up and out of bed on time further complicated by the snow, ice and sub-zero temperatures. We begin the new year with a host of new hopes, desires and plans. But getting back into our routines may create unnecessary aggravation, certainly not setting us up to achieve those hopes, if we are not proactive about them.

Making adjustments to our winter routines just makes sense. Harsh weather adds so much to our typical mornings that if we don’t accommodate those additions, we will end up consistently stressed and our kids will too. And the resulting negative mood can trickle down into our work and school days. But there’s good news from research done on self-control. Apparently, we have the greatest capacity for self-control in the morning when we are fresh and rested. As the day wears on, our self-control can experience fatigue like a muscle.2 The implication is that if we have set ourselves and our kids up for success by getting to bed on time in the evening and getting up on time in the morning, then we can draw upon our refreshed self-control to proceed calmly and with patience while our child struggles to get on his boots. Why not plan for success and make some small adjustments with your kids to help each member contribute to making the morning go smoothly?

Make a Plan Together. You can use a poster board that you’ll post nearby to refer to during your routines. Or you can use a small white board so that you can easily erase marks and start over. Pick a time to discuss and work on your plan when you have no time pressures. Involve your child in the creation. For younger children, (toddler through first grade) create a simple, illustrated plan and for older children (school age and up), create a checklist. You may want to focus on “things we need to do” to get out of the door on time.

For younger children… Creating a plan together can be simple and powerful. You might ask, “what do we do first when we begin our bedtime routine?” Write down in as simple terms as possible and if your child can write it herself, that’s preferred. Have her illustrate the concepts. The more she can contribute, the more ownership she will have over the plan.

For older children… It seems human nature that checking items off a list offers satisfaction. And research now supports that when there is added complexity in any situation, using a checklist can offer a simple organizer to ensure all issues are addressed. 3 Give your kids the opportunity to check off their list. “Today’s special class is library. What do you need to put into your backpack?” you might prompt. “Books, check!” replies your highly responsible child! The checklist can help your child get involved in making sure everything is ready for the day.

Plans offer practice in goal setting and problem-solving as they think through possible solutions to typical challenges that occur. And in the implementation of the plan, children are able to exercise their self-management and responsible decision-making skills as they set about following through on their plans.

Organize. Take time during your break or after school to organize your winter wear and school project materials. It seems at the same time the wet, snowy outdoor clothing is piling, there is an influx of historical dioramas and science poster boards. Where are the repositories for completed academic work that were brought home? Where do you keep academic materials that have to travel back and forth to school? Be certain there is an assigned container, bin or binder that your child can regularly use. And then, how do you deal with all of the extra winter wear? Where do wet scarves, gloves and hats go? Those are the buggers that tend to run and hide at the last minute before everyone needs to leave. And what about at bedtime? Would it help to select and lay out clothing for the next day during your bedtime routine? Create a solution together. The more you can involve your child in that solution (perhaps she draws a sign for a bin? perhaps the bin is her favorite color?), the more ownership she will take over keeping track of those articles.

Evaluate Time and Adjust. It’s a simple fact that if you have added winter clothing and academic projects to your morning routine, you should be allotting more time than when the weather was pleasant. Never plan for the exact amount of time it takes for your routine to go smoothly. How often does that work out? Instead plan extra time for problems so that when they occur (Tommy has a meltdown about wearing new pants.), you won’t panic because you don’t have the time for a problem. Delays still may occur on occasion. But with a little padding, you will possess that additional calm to get through most mornings.

Move your muscles together. During the hibernation months, children are often seated in a classroom in school all day and return home to more schoolwork. Recess may be indoors and involve board games instead of the typical outdoor running around that occurs during nicer weather. Movement may be significantly limited particularly compared to the warmer months. That movement, though, helps children fall asleep faster at night and get their required rest. So consider finding an opportunity to move after dinner each night. Can you do a chase game safely in your basement? Can you try out family yoga together? How about a dance party? It could be as simple as turning on some upbeat music. Create chances to move so that you do not have to do all of your wiggle expelling at the moment it’s time to go to sleep.

Do a Dry Run. Instead of playing your favorite board game, host a game of “Morning” or “Bedtime Routine.” Once may be enough to allow you and your kids to practice and provide a significant memory from which to draw. Be certain to make it enjoyable. With a doughnut in hand (this is my personal version of making it enjoyable :), go through each of the steps of the morning with your checklist. Or if bedtime is particularly challenging, do this with bedtime. You could have your child teach their favorite bear their routine in the process. Set a timer to see how quickly you can get through each step. Allow your kids to tell you what’s next. When you come upon typical morning or bedtime struggles, stop to brainstorm. “How can I help you with this? What could make this easier so we can beat our time?”

Prepare the Night Before. Instead of trying to get ready for the next day on your own after the kids have gone to bed and you’re exhausted, involve your kids in getting ready. In the evening, set aside time. Use your checklist to call out items that need to be in backpacks. Lay out clothing. If there’s any new clothing, this would be the time to try it on so there are no morning surprises.

Have Back Ups. For school supplies, medications and winter wear including snow and rain gear, try and have inexpensive back-ups easily on hand. Gloves get lost. And the realization typically occurs when your foot is halfway out of the door. Make it easier on all involved and have a second pair.

Particularly if you have kindergarten-age children or younger, going over the full morning and bedtime routines will set you up for later success. You will have involved your children and taught and reinforced those behaviors you want to see each morning at a time when they are still figuring out the rules of school.

For older children, they know the gig well enough to resist it! And if we’ve already gotten into a pattern of nagging, children expect and rely on that nagging to get moving. They will tend to wait until the tenth nag or the volume is raised before really moving at a pace that will get them out of the door. That’s the routine they’ve fallen into. So creating a plan or checklist together involves them in problem-solving. They certainly don’t enjoy being nagged. So it’s in everyone’s best interest to work together to figure out how evenings and mornings can move successfully with each family member taking responsibility for his or her roles and tasks.

Be sure you offer plenty of grace in this transition time. We all need it!

Children will be more successful in school and have a greater sense of well-being on a daily basis if they have a consistent bedtime routine that assures they get the required sleep for their age at night. For ages and sleep requirements, check out this chart from the National Sleep Foundation. Also, winter mornings don’t have to begin with stress. With some teamwork and a little planning, they can go smoothly once more. And you can stop nagging and yelling and feeling guilty. It’s worth a little extra effort to not start your day on a negative note. I treasure the mornings when my son gets out of the car at school and I feel like we’ve both had a positive start. And that is my wish for you for this new year! That you are able to get your children to bed on time so that you have some time of your own and that most of your mornings prepare each family member to start the day feeling calm and ready.

References:

1.Rubin, Gretchen. (2015). Better Than Before; What I Learned About Making and Breaking Habits – To Sleep More, Quit Sugar, Procrastinate Less and Generally Build a Happier Life. NY: Broadway Books.

2. Hagger, M.S., Wood, C., Stiff, C. & Chatzisarantis, N.L.D. ( 2010). Ego Depletion and the Strength Model of Self-Control: A Meta-Analysis. National Institute of Education, Singapore. In Press, Psychological Bulletin.

3. Gawande, A. (2009). The Checklist Manifesto; How to Get Things Right. NY: Picador.

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Posted on January 1, 2026 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Taking the New Year Pause

The New Year prompts much discussion around resolutions and goal-setting for many people. But I view this time of year as an ideal time for questions not answers. The quiet of the winter’s snow and the lull after the holiday rush provides a space for reflection if you use it with that in mind. I put away holiday gifts and minimize clutter in my household. And I tend to want to do the same for my heart and mind. What clutter do I want to clear away? What do I need to let go of from the past year to start fresh this year?

The essential pause means spending time breathing; spending time without agenda; spending time allowing for whatever emerges. Renewal often comes by spending time in nature so go on a walk in the cold, fresh air. Take your time. Notice the quiet. Notice the trees. Notice the landscape, bare and beautiful. Become aware of your breathing as you walk. Feel gratitude for every aspect of your life that is nourishing.

At home, take time to gently reflect. You may journal or just sift through questions in your mind as you go about your day with the intentional to move with ease and gentleness. I love this powerful quote from Rainer Maria Rilke:

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.

Here are some of the questions I’ll be asking myself. Perhaps these will help you reflect too?

  • How will I renew my heart and spirit this season so that I begin the new year fresh and ready?
  • What is weighing heavy on my heart? How can I allow myself to feel the sadness, hurt, or grief so that I can feel it through, care for my heart, and allow space for expression so that I no longer have to carry it?
  • What values are most important to me and how am I living them? What values do I want to live more fully?
  • What gives me the greatest sense of meaning and fulfillment?
  • How do I want to contribute to others?
  • What are the most important lessons I am trying to learn?
  • What qualities do I admire in others that I want to cultivate in my own life?
  • What relationships are challenging me the most? How can I better understand them and be compassionate about where those individuals are in their lives? How can I make the most of our relationship by learning from them?
  • What healthy habits of the heart and mind do I want to cultivate this year?
  • How will I enter this new year with intention?

I am also sharing below some of my most treasured books that challenge me, inspire me and provoke reflection.

The Adult Years – Mastering the Art of Self-Renewal by Frederick Hudson

This book, more than any other, clearly defines the various stages of development for adults. It helps readers draw from their own inner wisdom to guide their reflections before making decisions about major changes or life directions.

Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes by William Bridges

William Bridges spent his life working to understand changes. Whether you are going through the birth of a new baby, a move, a job change or the death of a loved one, this book explains in simple yet brilliant terms how any person can understand the emotions they are undergoing, help ease the transition and launch a new life.

Daring Greatly – How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead by Brene Brown

Brene Brown, through her research and writings, puts complex concepts into practical, everyday terms helping individuals embark on their own hero’s journey. In this book, she teaches how to face down fears, guilt and shame to live with courage. Most importantly, she helps people become who they really are capable of being.

The Book of Awakening – Having the Life You Want by Being Present to the Life You Have by Mark Nepo

Written by a poet and philoshoper, this day book provides endless wisdom and is a regular source of reflection for me. Drawing from cultural stories, mythology and his own personal experience of surviving cancer, Nepo provokes thought and raises ethical questions for consideration. And this Christmas, my husband gave me a corresponding card deck which I love!

I hope you take this opportunity for your own winter pause and ease into the New Year refreshed!

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Posted on December 18, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Holidays Hectic? Sunday’s Solstice Asks Us to Be Still and Pay Attention to the Natural World

So the shortest day came, and the year died,
And everywhere down the centuries of the snow-white world
Came people singing, dancing,
To drive the dark away.
They lighted candles in the winter trees;
They hung their homes with evergreen;
They burned beseeching fires all night long
To keep the year alive,
And when the new year’s sunshine blazed awake
They shouted, reveling.
Through all the frosty ages you can hear them
Echoing behind us – Listen!!
All the long echoes sing the same delight,
This shortest day,
As promise wakens in the sleeping land:
They carol, fest, give thanks,
And dearly love their friends,
And hope for peace.
And so do we, here, now,
This year and every year.
Welcome Yule!!

– The Shortest Day by Susan Cooper

December 21, the shortest day of the year, will mark the turning from dark to an increase in sunlight. In the Northern Hemisphere, it is the coldest time of year and in the Southern, it marks the Summer Solstice. The traditions that recognize this passage seem to touch numerous cultures around the world and date back to ancient times in which the Mayan Indians, ancient Romans, Scandinavians and others celebrated. Today, there are winter solstice traditions celebrated in India, China, Japan, South Korea, England, Ireland, Canada, Guatemala and more. Years ago, my own neighborhood friends would gather on this day, say some words of gratefulness for the gift of light in our lives, and each person would contribute a stick or evergreen branch to the fire. This tradition has remained in my memory as one of the most sacred I have attended. All of the major world holidays involve an appreciation for light in the darkness as a previous article explored including Christmas, Hannukah and Kwanzaa. 

This year, we have the opportunity to engage again in this renewing ritual with family and we sorely need it. This passage of dark to light offers so many opportunities for meaningful connection and reflection. Positive change begins inside ourselves and then, at home with our families. And as positive changemakers – which if you read and follow this, you are! – the solstice presents an opportunity, a moment to ask “how am I being the change I want to see in the world?” If I am to authentically embrace empathy and compassion for others – even and especially those who are challenging me or making destructive choices – I first must invest in letting go of judgement and that includes my own self-criticism – which can serve as the toughest critic of all. I can only do this if I remind myself that each person is coping with their pain in vastly different ways. And there is no one right path. What if, this Solstice, each person took the time to reflect on their voices of judgement for others and themselves and sent them into the fire to burn to ashes? If we did this in a wholehearted way, I wonder if we could rise like a phoenix and offer the compassion to ourselves and others that is so needed? I know the potential is there. How can you become a model for your family?

I so appreciate this day as a silent pause in the hustle of the holidays for introspection. If you, as I do, want to take this sacred moment to recognize how nature is offering us this opportunity for transformation, here are some ways to bring your family into the reflection with you. The following are themes that are emphasized across the world’s solstice traditions.

Theme: Letting Go, Forgiveness and Rebirth
In ancient Rome during the solstice, wars stopped, grudges were forgiven and slaves traded places with their masters. Today, the theme of forgiveness and rebirth is carried out in a diverse range of religious and cultural practices. The burning of wood to create light in the darkness also symbolizes that we can let go of old stories, judgements of ourselves and others, old wounds or poor choices and begin again. For children, it’s a critical lesson to learn that one choice does not determine who they are. There is always the light of a new day to offer a chance for forgiving the old and creating the new.

Question for our Family Dinner: Are people in your life disappointing you with their choices? Are there hurts that you are holding onto from the past? Have you disappointed yourself? How can you focus on letting go realizing that holding on only hurts yourself and keeps you imprisoned with those judgements? With the burning of a candle, can you imagine those disappointments burning into the ash, forgiven, and offering you a new chance?

Theme: Connection
Our connection to one another during this time is one of the most valuable. Ironically savoring our moments with our loved ones can get buried under a mound of anxiety, expectations and commitments. When it comes to focusing on our appreciation for one another during this passage from dark to light, we can be made aware, if we stop long enough to notice, that we are more alike than different. Numerous religions, nations, indigenous cultures and popular culture celebrate light with a wide variety of rituals and traditions. We can enter into our own celebrations, whatever our traditions may be, with the awareness that we are inter-connected and inter-dependent with one another and our environment. We can begin to explore the many other ways we are connected to one another regardless of how different we feel or seem at times.

Question for our Family Dinner: How have the ways in which we connect changed this year? What connections have been nourishing and satisfying that we want to keep or promote more of? What connecting have we left behind that we do not miss? What are ways that we are connected to people from places far from us in the world? What are the ways we are connected to people who are different from us or challenge us in our own community? If there have been disagreements among family and friends, how do we remain connected to those individuals?

Theme: Relationship of Light and Dark
Darkness has long been a symbol for emotional turmoil, sickness and violence in the world. The darkness seems to hold fear and danger but with the light of day, the perspective changes dramatically to one of hope and possibility. Moving from short, gray days to lighter, brighter days can help remind us that there is always another chance to make a better decision. There’s always an opportunity to be who we really aspire to being. Our actions can reflect our deepest values.

Question for our Family Dinner: Is there sadness, fear, disappointment or other darkness you want to leave behind? How can you let it go and begin again? What hopes do you have for the new year?

Theme: Gratefulness for the Natural World
It is humbling to step back and watch the changing of the seasons unfold. In ancient times, people feared that the lack of light would continue. They worried that if they did not revere the Sun God, it may move further away from their days. Take this moment in time to appreciate the sun, the moon, the trees, the birds and all of the natural world around us that profoundly influences all of our lives.

Question for our Family Dinner: What aspects of nature influence you regularly? What do you appreciate about the environment you encounter each day? How can you become more aware of the changes in nature around you? Have you gained more appreciation or a new view of the natural world during the pandemic?

Our family will be lighting a fire and sitting by it, noticing its brilliant light and feeling its warmth. As I toss my ceremonial evergreen bough on the fire, I’ll be considering what judgement stories I need to send into the fire with the bough. How can I place those kernels of anger, fear and disappointment into the flames to help myself truly let them go? There is a silent calm that comes over me when I light a candle or watch the flames rise in our fireplace. That calm gives me the space to reflect on the meaning of this time of year and connects me to the many individuals and cultures today and of generations past that have recognized this passage. May you find ways to let go of your outdated stories during this emergence from dark to light. May you allow it to transform you and create a bigger, wider space for compassion that can emerge from you fueled by more light in future days.

Adapted from an original post on December 14, 2014.

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Posted on December 11, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Preventing and Stopping Bullying: Valuable Lessons from Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer

Sharing a classic from author Rudolph himself on a new spin on an old favorite. Check it out… and may your red nose shine this season!

by Guest Author Rudolph Keeth Matheny

The beautiful story of a lovable, unique reindeer going from victim to hero is beloved by generations with a rich history and many hidden stories to reveal. Rudolph provides a well-known context for use to explore the roles of bullying, causes, and proactive solutions. In addition, the history of the story is a rich one, which adds depth to the children’s fable. The story and history of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer have many life lesson gifts for us to unwrap.

“Called him names” – the situation and roles of bullying

At the start of the story of Rudolph, we all know the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. Name-calling is known as social aggression, which is any negative behavior designed to embarrass and/or affect another’s social network. In addition to name calling, the other reindeer were also “excluding” Rudolph as “they would not let Rudolph join in any reindeer games”. Being excluded is another common and hurtful form of bullying. Name calling and excluding are classic bullying and for a very classic reason: for being different (Rudolph’s red nose).

It is helpful to understand the common roles involved in bullying in order to address it. Those roles are target, aggressor, bystander and hopefully an ally or allies. In the story of Rudolph, because he was the one being called names, he would be the “target” of the bullying. The “aggressor” is the person or persons doing the bullying behavior, which in this case, sadly would be “all of the other reindeer”. Unanimous bullying is rough and definitely the stuff of legend. Reindeer apparently are prone to a herd mentality. A bystander is someone who notices the bullying but does not encourage or discourage it, a kind of “Switzerland” role. We can only assume with all the name calling and excluding going around the North Pole that someone would have noticed, most likely the elves.  You might make the excuse that the elves were very busy making toys, but since they are Santa’s reindeer caretakers and are known for their keen sense of hearing, they must have known. So for our story, the elves were the “bystanders” in the bullying roles. However, do not get too upset about the elves. They clearly did not join in on the bullying as there is no mention of them also calling Rudolph names or excluding him. Many people are bystanders and perhaps they did not know what to do to help Rudolph. This article will show you what can be done.

A surprisingly cold overall reindeer climate at the North Pole

Another concerning part of the story is that Rudolph did not seem to know what to do to advocate for himself. The North Pole at the time definitely needed to put both proactive and reactive systems in place for bullying prevention and an overall-positive reindeer climate. A reactive system would be if all reindeer and reindeer supervisors were educated about the roles involved in bullying and on what to do after the bullying had started. A proactive anti-bullying system would be supports or structures that may have prevented the bullying altogether, such as teaching the reindeer skills for responding to others, taking someone else’s perspective, showing empathy and advocating for others.

If a strong system was in place perhaps the elves would have acted as allies, and they could have done a lot to help instead of acting as bystanders. 

These are common ways to be allies. They could have been a “confronter” and stood up for Rudolph; even something as small as “that is not a jolly thing to do” may have stopped the bullying. They could have been a “supporter” by supporting Rudolph through his trials comforting him after the bullying and helping him work through the problem. The elves could have been a “distractor” by distracting the reindeer when bullying, by changing the topic or telling a holiday joke. Some things they might have said to distract would be; “I hear there is a snowstorm coming in. Do you think we will be able to do the delivery run?” or even “Have you heard the joke about why Santa is so jolly?”

Rudolph also might have known some tips for a target. He could have stood up for himself by stating in a strong but non-threatening way “I feel hurt when someone bullies me, so stop bullying me”. Rudolph could have spoken to a friend, parent, or leader about the problem. Rudolph, however, was a wonderful role model as he did not let others’ negativity prevent him from being himself and shining his light.

Santa – The ultimate ally

Rudolph is eventually saved in the story by perhaps the ultimate ally, Santa. It is very possible Santa knew about the bullying and looked for a reason to give Rudolph a leadership role. The fog was possibly just the opportunity he was hoping for so he could turn things around for Rudolph. Perhaps there was an elf or a reindeer that did notice the bullying and reported it to Santa. Regardless, Santa is the perfect ally as a respected leader of the reindeer who had the vision to see what made Rudolph different as a strength rather than a weakness. This is a powerful way to turn around bullying and a wonderful way to see difference. What if we asked ourselves when we notice someone is different, how that difference is a strength? Better yet, what if we all tried to help them make that difference a strength?

“Poor Rudolph” – Empathy, the antidote

The author invokes a critical bullying antidote with the passage “They would not let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games”. By saying “poor Rudolph” the author was trying to get the reader to feel some empathy. In fact, he was also doing it by just telling Rudolph’s story, as it helps us engage in two key parts of empathy, (1) noticing how another is feeling and then (2) seeing it from their perspective. The third part of empathy is feeling with someone or feeling at-least a little bit of what they are feeling. This would be different for every reader, but the emotional ride of the story from poor Rudolph to going down in history surely evokes empathy in us all.

Without this appeal to our empathy, a reader might have thought all of this bullying behavior could be warranted for flaunting his red nose, a kind of “who does he think he is walking around with his red nose all stuck up in the air.” This is exactly why empathy is so important. When we recognize how others are feeling, see things from their perspective and feel a little of what they are feeling, we are putting ourselves in the position of another. Doing this is putting ourselves in another’s shoes or in this case horseshoes and if we were in those shoes, we would not want to be called names or excluded. 

Rudolph for grown-ups – “Going down in history”

Empathy is at the core of our humanity and relates directly to the golden rule of “Do unto others as you would have done to you”. Without a perspective of empathy, we are prone to “other”-ing or to distancing ourselves from another person or group of people. To make them different from “us”. This psychological distance allows us to be callous or unfeeling towards them. Bullying and exclusion starts with othering someone for their difference. The small comments grow into rationale for exclusion or social aggression, “Othering” taken to broad extremes has allowed horrors such as Native American removal, slavery, the Holocaust, and many more throughout time. In fact, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was written by an author, Robert May, who was inspired by his own painful childhood experiences as a Jewish boy targeted by bullying. The story was created during a time of great personal sadness for May, during a global background of the horrors of the Holocaust.

Smothering othering with empathy using Rudolph

Empathy is really seeing ourselves in another, and it breaks down “othering” as it forces us to think about how we would feel and how we would want to be treated. Empathy can change bullies to bystanders and bystanders to allies. This is why the work of teaching empathy is so critical to creating safe inclusive communities and a better world. So, this holiday season as you share the story of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, talk about the gift of empathy within the story. For younger children ask them what they think Rudolph might be feeling at each stage of the story. Talk about bullying and how to be an ally. For older children, consider adding the deeper history of the story. But most of all, use the story to remind all to see what others are feeling, put themselves in their shoes, and act from a place of compassion.

Perhaps the lesson of Rudolph can help make us all go down in a more empathetic, peaceful, and inclusive history.

This year, Rudolph Keeth Matheny made a video about the anniversary and the teaching opportunity for educators. Check it out here.

Guest Author Rudolph Keeth Matheny is a social and emotional learning teacher, speaker, and author of the book, “ExSELent Teaching; Classroom Strategies to Support the Social, Emotional, and Academic Growth of Students.“ He is named Rudolph, after his grandfather, who dramatically escaped the Holocaust on “Kristallnacht” and immigrated to America. He then worked in a warehouse and sent most of what he earned to help family members and friends escape. HIs mother, out of concern for his being bullied, nicknamed Rudolph “Keeth,” which is what he has been called all his life. Now that he knows more about his grandfather, he embraces Rudolph both in his name and in his work. He is a co-author of School-Connect, a research and evidence-based social and emotional learning curriculum that is now in over 2000 schools. Check out his site, SEL Launchpad!

*What an absolute joy to learn from and partner with Rudolph Keeth Matheny this week! It’s an honor to publish his outstanding article. – CPCK

#parenting #antibullying #SEL

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