confident parents confident kids

Interview on Promoting Self-Control

Want to learn practical, simple ways to promote self-control in your children?

Today, check out my interview with Aditi Verma, Co-founder of Lead with Good. I discuss how parents can practically promote self-control through various ages and stages. Aditi asks excellent questions and poses examples from her own life as a parent. Lead with Good is an organization that works to bring families together around the topics of emotional intelligence, leadership, and value-based education. I loved talking with them and sharing practical tips for promoting one of the most important skills for our children to learn! Check it out!

 

Thank you, Lead with Good!

#SEL #parenting

Colorful Conversations for Stronger Communities

By Guest Writer, Nikkya Hargrove

Since I can remember, I have always wanted to be married. As a child, I found myself daydreaming about creating a family and a life with someone else but especially, having children. And as I played house with my Cabbage Patch Dolls, I imagined they were indeed my own children. I undressed those dolls with their mushy body parts and put diapers on them as if they were my own six imaginary children. I built a strong fantasy of what I thought marriage was but more so, of what I thought parenthood was like or supposed to be. I had strong, caring adults who showed me affection and loved me unconditionally. And they taught me how to love another as a human being whether that person was a neighbor, friend, or family member.

When I met my in-laws, they taught me about different ways of being married, having a family, and being a parent. They have, by example and many discussions, given me a different perspective of what parenthood (and marriage) could be. I value both perspectives – those I learned during my own upbringing and those I’ve learned from my in-laws. As my wife and I began to discuss the kind of children we wanted to shape into upstanding adults, we first had the need to discuss who we were as individuals and what kind of parents we wanted to be together.

We are two moms raising three kids who are products of our Sri Lankan (my wife) and African American (mine) heritage. My wife was born and raised in Sri Lanka until the age of two, when her family moved to Africa before settling in the United States in the mid-1980’s. My family, products of a Southern Baptist upbringing, left Virginia in the late 1940’s and settled in New York. Fast-forward many years later, my wife and I met in 2007 and discussed having a family on our very first date. I knew I wanted to have kids and she did not. We discussed this all before we made it to dessert.

Today, we are proud parents of twin daughters who are almost two-years-old and a ten-year-old son.

We teach our children about who they are and where they come from because we want them to be proud of their heritage.

Even before their arrival, we knew we needed to figure out what parts of our own culture we would to pass on to our children and consider which rituals they may want to one day pass on to their children.

For my wife, it was about keeping the ritual of homemade curry meals readily available in our home. In my wife’s culture, meals are eaten with one’s hands. Curries simmered in coconut milk are made regularly. Saris are often worn by older women no matter the occasion. On a deeper level, decisions are made, no matter how big or small, in conversation with the family. And advice from elders is readily available (taken or not).

Culturally, for me, our decisions are made by the individual because the individual is the one who will reap the rewards of said decision (positive or negative) and family is consulted last. Food is made for the family and eaten at the kitchen table, especially Sunday meals. And advice comes from the Bible. Rationality is consulted last because in the end “the Bible says so,” a phrase I heard frequently growing up.

As parents to our three children, we needed to first unlearn behaviors to then learn the ones which we wanted to foster in our own children such as the right balance of communication within our family. We did not want to over-communicate or under communicate. We did not want to place too much focus on the differences of our family (or others) but simply make ourselves and our family aware of the social constructs of our society.

Our goal as parents to our children is to foster a strong sense of social awareness and self-awareness to nurture our children into upstanding adults.

And today, we have it far from figured out in our household. We are very “in the moment” parents and take on conversations as they emerge, a trait I had to learn rather quickly. I am the “processer” in my family. I like to think about what kinds of consequences to give our son while my wife, a previous sixth-grade teacher, needs all of ten seconds to come up with a fitting consequence. We continue to grow as individuals, as parents, and as a family figuring out what works for us as our family dynamics and needs change — and as we (and our kids) do too.

With the added layer to our family, being a non-traditional household, we want our kids to see faces like theirs and families like ours. When our son turned four-years-old just before he entered into kindergarten, we created a Gay and Lesbian Family of Connecticut Facebook page to help bring families like ours together. We found families across our state who varied in color and gender.

We meet, mostly as families but at times as couples only, to get our children together and foster a stronger, intentional, diverse community, reflective of who we are as parents. The group has given our children a space to be conscious of many things but namely, that there are other children with two moms or two dads of various shades of skin color and backgrounds.

They also get to see that families are created because of love. In our Facebook group, we have families who came to be because of adoption, surrogacy, and in-vitro fertilization. It is because of this very group, we are able to have conversations with our kids about their families and their skin colors. We are able to bring the realities of our gay and lesbian families into our own living room for discussion around differences which invariably creates a stronger sense of self for our kids.

It offers a foundation to stand up for our families and educate peers about how many different kinds of families are in this world not only in our home or with our Gay and Lesbian Families’ Group but in our children’s school cafeterias, their playgrounds, and community spaces.

Each interaction and gathering with the intentional community we’ve created have made us better parents. We are more self-aware because of this group. We encourage our kids to address questions which they may receive concerning their family head on and with courage. We hope they stand firm in what we have taught them about the strength of a family and the love only families can provide.

It is through those consistent interactions and the nurturing supports of other families, like ours, that we establish a foundation for all of our kids for these critical discussions about the “other.” We are a better and stronger family because we bring conversations to each member. Because of it, we are ready and willing to address any issues our children want to discuss with us anywhere, anytime.

Sincere thanks to Nikkya Hargrove for sharing her wisdom, writing talents, and personal family life details to offer perspectives on parenting with self-awareness and social awareness.

 

Nikkya Hargrove is a mother to three children, a wife, writer, and resident of Stratford, Connecticut. When she is not mothering or keeping her household together by all means necessary, you can find her indulging in her other “love” of writing. She is a BinderCon Scholar ‘17, LAMBDA Literary Non-Fiction Fellow ’12, and a freelance writer for The Washington Post. Her work has also appeared in the Huffington Post Blog, ELLE Magazine, Cosmopolitan Magazine, and Dr. OZ: The Good Life.

 

#Parenting #SEL #Diversity #Culturalheritage

Appreciating Our Child’s Influencers – Moms, Dads, Grandparents, Teachers, Coaches

What would our family life be like without teachers, coaches, and loving relatives? Whether we refer to other caring adults in our child’s life as our village or not, he or she has a community of adults who act as influencers. These individuals are either unpaid or underpaid for the critical roles they play in supporting our child’s development. Their motivation to support your child comes from the heart. They realize they are in a position to care for and nurture your son or daughter and accept the many challenges that go along with a young person’s learning.

We know that children learn social and emotional skills best through modeling. So those individuals – whether neighbors, friends, classroom teachers, soccer coaches, ministers, babysitters or music directors – all serve as teachers in a very real sense.

“How do I respond when someone shouts mean words to me?” “What should I do when I see someone hurt and in need of immediate assistance?” “How do I react when I witness a friend being bullied?” These are all important social questions our children are trying to answer. And as they watch their Moms and teachers and coaches react in similar situations, they observe and mimic what those adults do. A single parent cannot and does not raise a child alone. Recognizing who those influencers are and appreciating their support can build trust among the team who are contributing to the raising of your child.

As Moms and Dads, we are in a privileged position to have the chance to select other caring adults in our child’s life but frequently those adults just come with a package whether it’s in school or in out-of-school programs. And we have to coordinate with them and trust them as partners. In essence, they act as mentors.

A mentor is simply an older, more experienced person offering caring support in the interest of a young person’s development. And research shows that a child with a mentor has greater engagement in learning and commitment to school and is more likely to attend college. Mentors can contribute to a positive self-image, assist with emotional adjustments and life transitions and add to a child’s psychological well-being. So the contribution to your family of other caring adults is significant.

You might consider, who has taken on the role of mentor in my child’s life?

And what are the ways in which I can show my appreciation?

The “gifts” that tend to be keepers and stowed away in our treasure drawer are those that are given with love and are often, home-made. With Teacher Appreciation Week this week and Mother’s Day upcoming, I offer five simple ideas for appreciating those very important persons.

1. Create a note from the heart.

If your child is anything like mine, when I announce it’s time to write thank you notes or letters, a big groan followed by “Mooooom” (add the tonal swing from high to low) ensues. But you may want to simply capture how your child feels about his teacher, for example. Write this simple prompt: “My teacher is great because…” and then do a brainstorm. “What are all of the things you like about your teacher?” you might ask. Write and draw together and see how quickly you can come up with your homemade letter that your teacher will treasure.

2. Design a banner for all to see.

E’s second-grade teacher in front of her banner. Each student wrote what they loved about her on a heart.

Whether it’s a banner for a classroom door, a locker gym door or over a dining room table, it can serve as a big statement of appreciation for the caring mentor you are recognizing. An added bonus is that a whole class or team can contribute words and pictures to make the sentiment extra special. And the fact that you’ll place it on display for all to see allows the mentor to be recognized by the whole community.

3. Record an interview.

Your child will only be this age once. Her sweet young voice will change. And certainly, her appearance will change over time. You can simply record an audio interview with your daughter and ask questions like, “When did Grandma make you laugh?” “Do you remember the most fun time you had at her house?” Or record it on video and show gifts she’s given your daughter that have become beloved like a stuffed friend or a favorite book.

I’ve also gone to the school playground and interviewed classmates about their teacher. Of course, this will require permission from parents. But you could simply ask parents at drop off or pick up time whether it would be okay to get their child’s participation. A video of students can be a precious keepsake for any teacher.

4. Make a keepsake box for sentimental treasures.

Grab a sturdy shoebox. Now brainstorm a list of your teacher’s favorite things whether its school subjects, animals, or goodies. Draw pictures and create a collage all over the box. When all pictures are glued on, either paint Modge Podge over the pictures to seal them or use large clear packing tape. Go one step further and have classmates place their notes inside!

5. Work with your child to draw a portrait of your child and her mentor.

Even a simple drawing of your child and her mentor can be a meaningful gift for someone. Purchase a matte or frame to make it extra special.

I am grateful for designated opportunities like Teacher Appreciation Week to share how grateful I am to my son’s influencers. But I also recognize that those little, simple daily appreciations throughout the year can go a long way toward strengthening relationships and reinforcing our gratitude. So Mother’s Day is also a reminder to me to notice and mention those extra ways that people show care to my son that make such a difference in our family’s life.

Happy Teacher Appreciation Week!

Happy Mother’s Day!

And to all those who have signed up to follow Confident Parents, Confident Kids within the last few weeks, I extend a big welcome to a community of caring adults!

Join me this week for “The Heart and Science of Parenting”!

In two days, don’t miss this FREE online opportunity to learn from top experts in parenting with social and emotional skills. When you sign up, you’ll have access to my interview on “Using Social and Emotional Learning to Partner with Your Child’s School” this Sunday, May 7th. I am also looking forward to:

  • “Being a Wonder Woman; Self-Care and Community for Moms” with Erin Dimaggio,
  • “Dads Creating Connection in Families” with Julian Ivey-Caldwell, and
  • “Parenting from the Inside Out” with Daniel Siegel.

Friend and Collaborator, Arina Bokas, will also be discussing her book, “Building Powerful Learning Environments.” And conference organizers and experts in their own right, Cecilia and Jason Hilkey will speak about “Compassionate Communication for Kids.” And they’ll be many more topics and speakers! You’ll also have the opportunity to join the Facebook community and engage in a global conversation about how we can raise confident, resilient and caring kids.

Sign up and pick and choose each day which topics are most relevant and exciting to you.

Hope to see you there!

#SEL #Parenting

Coming Soon! The Heart and Science of Parenting — FREE Online Conference

You are invited!

Because you follow and read Confident Parents, Confident Kids, you clearly care about the powerful influence you possess as a parent and you realize how you use that influence matters greatly.

My friends, Cecilia and Jason Hilkey, have launched their third conference to share cutting-edge brain science and practical tools that parents can use to help their kids foster social and emotional intelligence and mindfulness, navigate friendships and feelings, and develop resilience.

And the Happily Family Online Conference is completely FREE!

Please join me for this important online event from May 4-8, 2017. I’ll be talking about how parents can use social and emotional intelligence in small ways to build trusting connections with your child’s teachers while providing invaluable support for your child’s education. Some other topics include:

  • “Healthy Friendships for Girls in a Socially Complex World” 
  • “The Emotional Life of Boys”
  • “Connecting with a Struggling Child”
  • “Assertive Communication for Kids: Being a Kindness Warrior”
  • “The Mindful Child”

Sign up and you can watch (at your own pace) online interviews with over 25 experts who will offer effective tools to raise kids who are capable and compassionate. You will see interviews from some of the finest teachers, authors, researchers and thought leaders in the world of parenting like:

  • Dr. Daniel Siegel (Psychiatrist, Executive Director of the Mindsight Institute)
  • Dr. Laura Markham (Clinical Psychologist, Founder of Ahaparenting.com)
  • Dr. Michele Borba (Speaker, Author of UnSelfie)
  • Kate Northrup (Creative Entrepreneur, Founder of The Freedom Family)
  • Scott Noelle (Author of The Daily Groove and Founder of PATH Parenting)
  • Rosalind Wiseman (Author of Queen Bees and Wannabes, educator)
  • Dr. Michael Thompson (Co-author of Raising Cain)
  • Daniel Rechtschaffen (Marriage Family Therapist, author of The Way of Mindful Education)
  • Michelle Gale (Founder of My Messy Spirituality, Educator, Advisor to the Mindful Schools)
  • Todd and Cathy Adams (Hosts of Zen Parenting Radio)
  • Jennifer Miller (Author, Confident Parents, Confident Kids)

Cecilia and Jason are dedicated to this work. For over 15 years, they have taught parents how to communicate with their kids. Together they’ve taught preschool, worked with children with special needs, and they have two kids of their own.

There is a wealth of support, wisdom, and a global community at the Happily Family Online Conference. Visit this link so you can view the full agenda or follow this link for a simple sign in and you’re all set. I encourage you to take advantage of this opportunity to learn and grow!

Hope to see you there,

 

 

 

 

Celebrating the Earth – Ways for Families to Explore Nature through the Ages/Stages

“Mom, come quickly!” E says practically jumping up and down. “There’s a bluejay in our yard!” And this scene has played out over and again but with varying creatures – bunnies, beetles, and butterflies – oh my! If you have a patch of grass outside your door, there’s an opportunity for your kids to explore nature. Take them to a park and no screens, toys or equipment are required for discovery. In Spring, it seems we are all feeling “nature-starved” and ready to get out to experience the beautiful weather.

There’s strong evidence that points to a range of benefits for children who get outside and play. In schools, teachers have worried that taking kids outside will result in misbehaviors and a lack of control. But when they’ve tried it out, such as leading students through a park while creating field journals or tending a community garden, they found just the opposite. Students were more engaged and held greater focus on the learning taking place. (1)

And for families, there are significant benefits for discovering nature together including greater:

  • family connectedness
  • cooperation skills
  • empathy and perspective-taking skills
  • caring
  • sense of awe and wonder
  • motivation to learn (2)

One study compared a group of preteens who spent five days in nature with no screen time with a demographically similar group of preteens at home who engaged in regular activities including daily screen time.(3) That study showed that the children who spent the time in nature after only five days were more skilled at taking social cues including nonverbals and understanding each others’ emotions. That short time spent with peers in nature enhanced their abilities to connect and communicate with one another.

The experience of being in nature, appreciating and discovering and learning together as a family, is an incredibly simple and yet, powerful way to spend time together. You really only need to go for a walk together outside. But sometimes, we appreciate and can use a bit more structure and inspiration. So in celebration of Earth Day, here are some ideas for exploration at various ages and stages.

Preschool

Discover Bugs; Play Hide and Peek!

This game involves lifting up and peeking under any and every rock you can find and exploring the world of bugs that lives underneath. Preschoolers will be thrilled by the pill bugs, worms, slugs and more that are just waiting to be discovered. The nine- and ten-year-old in the photograph below still find it exciting!

Track Animals

Go on a nature walk and look in the dirt for tracks. See if you can follow and attempt to identify various paw prints you see in the mud. And be sure to leave your own!

My son and his friend excavating behind the garage in search of bugs!

Early Elementary

Go on a Nature Scavenger Hunt

Print off one of the many checklists on Pinterest and head to the park or a woods nearby. Some lists are fairly simple and straightforward such as, find a stick, a stone, and a ladybug. Some are more involved such as, find litter, find an animal hole, or find a group of mushrooms.

Plant a Garden

Designate a small spot in the yard to dig up and allow your child ownership over the lot. Help her line the edges with rocks to divide the space. Pick out seeds at a local garden shop and consider all of the requirements for growing – sun, soil, water? Plant, tend, weed and marvel. If you plant herbs or vegetables, incorporate the crop into family dinners and your child can feel proud to have grown what you are eating.

Create a Habitat

You may select a cardboard box or else find a small place in your yard for your child to create a habitat. Consider what animals might want to live there and what they require to be happy? Will they need a water source? What kind of food will they gather? Help your child make a habitat for a local chipmunk, ant colony or mouse.

Middle to Late Elementary

Create a Nature Journal

You’ll need a few items in order to create a nature journal. Get a blank notebook. Fill a pencil pouch with colored pencils and a glue stick. And pack your camera (or camera phone if that’s the only option) too. Now head to a natural setting. The challenge is to recreate the natural setting in your notebook by drawing, taking pictures of and writing about the different aspects of the habitat you are experiencing. Draw pinecones. Write about the smell in the air. Glue pine needles onto your pages. Imagine getting it back out in the middle of winter. Would your notebook place you right back where you are? This activity can enhance a child’s discovery and appreciation of a place while adding their own creativity to the mix.

Assemble a Nature Art Collage

Go on your nature walk together with an empty bag for collecting. Pick up natural treasures along the way such as seed pods, buckeyes, and flower petals. Then, find a suitable backdrop like cardboard or even, a wood plank. Now arrange and glue (an adult may need to help if a hot glue gun is necessary).

Go “Creeking”

As adults, we can forget or simply underestimate the incredible lure of a trickling stream. You need no instructions for kids here. Just let them go (and make sure their shoes can get muddy and wet!). Skipping rocks, looking for crayfish, and finding fossils are all on the agenda here. In my experience, we have to practically drag our child away when it’s time to leave.

Middle to High School

Identify

Check out a field guide from your local library or bookstore. Find a natural subject that most interests your son/daughter. There are guides for fossils, rocks and minerals, plants, wildflowers, birds, woodland creatures, trees and more. Now head to the park or hiking trails and see what you can identify together.

Camp

Camping as a family does not have to require major equipment or planning. In fact, you can pitch a tent in the backyard or at a nearby nature preserve and enjoy the bonding that occurs because of it. Make a bonfire and share ghost stories. Take a hike. Pick out the constellations in the night sky. Leave your electronics behind.

In addition to all of the aforementioned benefits of getting out in nature with your children, it can have the added impact of calming us down and changing to a slower, more steady pace in contrast to our daily lives. Use this Earth Day as a reminder to find simple ways to appreciate nature with your kids and enjoy the many benefits of exploration together.

Resources

About:

Earth Day Facts and History

Books:

How to Raise a Wild Child: The Art and Science of Falling in Love with Nature
by Scott Sampson

Balanced and Barefoot; How Unrestricted Outdoor Play Makes for Strong, Confident and Capable Children
By Angela J. Hanscom

Supportive Organizations:

The Nature Kids Institute

The Children and Nature Network

Science Kids

References:

(1) Scott, G., Colquhoun, D., (2013). Changing spaces, changing relationships: The positive impact of learning out of doors. Australian Journal of Outdoor Education, 17(1), 47 – 53.

(2) Garst, B. A., Baughman, S., Franz, N. K, Seidel, R. W., (2013). Strengthening families: Exploring the impacts of family camp experiences on family functioning and parenting. Journal of Experiential Education, 36(1), 65-77.

(3) Uhls, Y. T., Michikyan, M., Morris, J., Garcia, D., Small, G. W., Zgourou, E., Greenfield, P. M., (2014). Five days at outdoor education camp without screens improves preteen skills with nonverbal emotion cues. Computers in Human Behavior, 39, 387-392.

Families Making Music, Joyful Ways to Promote Children’s Social and Emotional Development

“Hello, everybody! So glad to see you. Hello, everybody. We’re so glad to see you!” sang Miss Leigh, our Music Together instructor who engaged both parents and toddlers in song, dance, and music making once a week in my son’s early years. And from that singular experience emerged life-long friendships and a next generation family connection to music that influenced our quiet times at home, our social lives, and our choices for entertainment and extracurricular activities.

Numerous studies on children’s exposure to music through instrument lessons or music education in school have shown that it can have a significant impact on a child’s brain development. In fact, children with musical training have been found to score higher on reading and math assessments, have greater spatial and fine motor skills, and enhanced social and emotional skills. (1) In addition, one study that examined 232 brain scans of healthy children found that those who played a musical instrument had a stronger ability to focus their attention, manage anxiety and exercise self-control. (2)

I personally witnessed evidence of children learning self-control through music on a recent school visit. Teachers directed thirty second grade students to sing a phrase a cappella (without instruments) and then, stop suddenly and rest during a set of beats counted out by both the teacher and the students. These children beamed with pride as I watched while they were right on time with their singing and with their absolute silence. They practiced and demonstrated their ability to control their impulses while collaborating with their classmates.

In our home lives, music can play a significant role. It can offer a pre-teen a sense of independence as she discovers her own taste in music and seeks out her favorites. Music can also feed a child’s intrinsic desires for autonomy (as he learns to play an instrument on his own), belonging (as she shares musical interests with her peers), and competence (as he hones his skills and abilities in music making).

Families can take advantage of multiple ways music can promote children’s social and emotional development by improving skills, creating a psychologically safe and joyful home environment, and building trust and connection among members. Here are some specific ideas.

Music can…

BUILD CONNECTION.

Collaborative Music Making – Get out any instruments you might have laying around your house. Toys instruments work (Have you seen the Jimmy Fallon jam sessions with them?)! Create music together. We have a tradition of making music with friends when they come for dinner because after trying it once, the kids now request it.

Family Theme Song – Have you noticed each professional Baseball player has a “get psyched up” theme song that is played as he is positioning himself at bat? What might be your family theme song for times when you want to generate energy, cohesion, and enthusiasm? Maybe it’s the first sunny day of spring or you are about to go on vacation. Decide on your theme song together and relish in playing it.

PROMOTE SOCIAL AND EMOTIONAL SKILLS.

Listening skills – Play a game with your children while listening to music. See how many instruments they can accurately name. Careful listening is often required when figuring out the layers of instrumentation.

Self-control – The spaces and silences in music can be just as defining and impactful as the sounds. Exercise your children’s self-control, an essential life skill, by taking turns singing or using instruments working on timing, beats, when to join in and when to become silent. You can do the same with dance. Move your body to the music and then, freeze when there are rests or the music is stopped.

ASSIST WITH EMOTIONS.

Deal with anger – Listening to calming music can assist a child who is angry or inconsolable. Time alone with soothing music can do wonders to calm an upset child. Be aware, however, that angry music will only increase anger. So help select music that offers a way to calm down. (YouTube has a large selection of “relaxing music for children.”)

Deal with sadness – In addition to calming, relaxing music, songs with a sad and expressive tone can help children feel the sadness they may be too embarrassed to show and pushing away. Give them a way to select and play music in a secluded spot so that they can experience the freedom of emotional expression without judgment.

Deal with anxiety – The moment I play calming baby music (“Beatles for Babies”) on a floor of the house, I notice all family members (adults too) buzzing along with what they are doing and calmer in the process. Children can benefit from the calming effects of instrumental music. Experiment with differing kinds of music and watch how your family responds.

FACILITATE COOPERATION WITH ROUTINES.

Cleaning Up – Instead of nagging or inciting power struggles, why not have a clean up song that you play when it’s that time of the day? A song can inspire cooperation as you work together with your children singing a merry tune and getting the job done.

Packing – Whether you are going away on a trip for a night or a week, packing can become quite a chore for parents. And certainly, children have varying abilities to contribute though they can help in some way from preschool age on up. Packing a full suitcase – with a parent checking in to make sure all items are covered – can be accomplished by an eight-year-old with a little guidance. Turn on some happy music and the process might just go more smoothly for all and take your own stress away.

Homework (for some!) – Some children will require silence in order to focus their full attention on homework. But for some, music (instrumental) may actually assist them in their focus. Experiment and know your own child. See if playing an undercurrent of music during homework time might just help her stay on task.

INCREASE SOCIAL AWARENESS.

Diversify – You could use the holidays or times of year to inspire variation in your musical selections. For Cinco de Mayo, perhaps select a Mariachi Band station. Or for St. Patrick’s Day, choose Celtic music. Expose your children to a wide variety of music from multiple cultures and traditions and the whole family will learn and feel enriched by the experience.

CREATE A CALMING, SAFE SPACE.

Household Tone – When you walk into another person’s home, you immediately notice the feel of the new environment – how it smells, looks and sounds. Music or other sounds change the psychological space of a room. We may place have a constant dull drone of talking and news reporting as our typical backdrop from radio or television. Consider how that impacts the environment. And if messages from those sources are particularly fear-laden or negative, how does that impact our children? Turn off those talking sources and turn on an undercurrent of Jazz, Classical, Reggae or World Music and see how it alters the tone of your household. Notice your own mood and how it might be changed by the music. Find the soundtrack for your family’s life that makes all feel safe, calm and “at home.”

Music can act as a powerful force for change in a family’s life. When stress is all around, using music to soothe can offer a significant respite. But even more than that, it can connect us more deeply to who we are and how we connect with our loved ones. Music can be a source of joy as we go about the routines of our lives.

References:
(1) Art Education Partnership. (2011). Music Matters: How Music Education Helps Students Learn., Achieve, and Succeed, Washington, D.C., September.

(2) Hudziak, J. J., et al. (2014). Cortical thickness maturation and duration of music training: Health-promoting activities shape brain development. Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, Vol. 53, 11, 1153-1161.

Resources:

Music Together – A high-quality early childhood music education program with locations all over the United States.

Nutt, A.E. (2015). Music lessons spur emotional and behavioral growth in children, New study says. The Washington Post, January 7.

National Association for Music Education – A national advocacy organization in support of music education.

National Association of Music Merchants – A national advocacy organization in support of music education for all ages.

Spring Road Trip with Family Cooperative Games!

We’re going on a road trip, a road trip, a road trip.
We’re going on a road trip to see what we can see!

We typically venture out on a small road trip during spring break taking advantage of the freedom and warmer weather. It’s tempting to hand a child an iPad and allow the video games and programs to fill the idle time. Then I think back to my own road trips as a child, sometimes thirteen hours in a non-air-conditioned car, and of course, with no handy portable device to fill my time. I recall being happily consumed with my crayons and a sketch pad. I filled every single page with drawings of sand castles, mermaids and sea creatures anticipating our vacation at the beach. But now, my son, who is so used to easily accessible entertainment and high level of stimulation, seems to require more than just that trusty old sketch pad. But engage him with a family game, and he is delighted to play.

The following car games can offer ways to connect as a family and build cooperative skills all the while enjoying your time together. It can set a collaborative tone preparing all family members for a positive adventure together.

Cooperative Storytelling
One person begins a story with a main character and a setting. Start with a few juicy details – “One day a giant sea turtle named Freddy sauntered down the isle of a grocery store looking for his favorite potato chips…” and then pass off the story to the next person to fill in what comes next. Offer a few sentences and then continue to pass the story along with each family member contributing key details to move your adventure forward. In my experience, the stories that emerge from these games are a joy and delight with surprises around every corner! Our family loves this game!

Where in the World Guessing Game
“Where in the world is E?” we ask and E begins to describe his surroundings. He picks any city, community or habitat in the world and offers details about the attributes of his environment without naming it and we have to guess the place.

Creature Guessing Game
Similarly, one person thinks of a creature. All of the guessers ask questions of the individual with a creature in mind. “Is it small, medium or large? Does it live in the forest? Does it eat plants or animals?” When you have enough details, guess the creature. Go around and give each person the chance to think of an animal.

Name the Face
See if you can express an emotion with only your facial expression. (This could be tricky for drivers!) Think of the emotion and perform the facial expression of that emotion. See if others can guess what you are feeling.

More, More!
Select a category such as ice cream flavors, popular songs or amusement park rides. Call out as many different kinds as you can until you’ve exhausted your list of ideas. This offers practice in brainstorming, a valuable skill used in coming up with solutions to a problem.

Cell Phone
Do you remember the old game “Telephone”? Think of a sentence. Start simple and make them more challenging as you go. Whisper it into the ear of another family member. Each person whispers to the next person exactly what they heard whispered in their ear. Have the last person say what they heard aloud. It’s ideal if you can go quickly and try it a couple of times. Then you are able to see if listening and communication improves with practice and focus.

We Write the Songs
Pick out a family favorite song – one that everyone knows. Now select a favorite animal (your pet?), place (your school?) or person (your best friend?). Change the words of the song to describe or tell the story of that creature or place. Make sure all family members have the chance to contribute. Practice and sing it with gusto!

Radio Story
Turn on the radio. Listen to the first station that plays. Is it a song or a commercial? Now cooperatively tell the background story of the song or commercial. How was the song written? Why was the product developed (if a commercial)? What story does it really tell? Make it imaginative, the crazier, the better. None of it should be based on real facts. Each family member can add details to your radio backstory.

Social Dilemmas
Tweens and teens are often fascinated with social dilemmas since they are dealing with more complex social issues regularly. This may interest that age group. One person offers a social problem such as a friend wants to get on the highway with her friends and drive out of town without telling anyone. What do you do? Or an animal is about to get run over by a car in the road at the same time your toddler brother is running down the street. What do you do? These can offer interesting ethical considerations and turn into involving conversations. The trick for parents is to remain in open-minded dialogue mode, offering ideas and not criticizing.

Try out these road trip games or create your own and watch the time fly past as you laugh and creatively, cooperatively play with your family. Happy adventures!

Resource:

Our Grandma Linda sent us a gift this Spring that we’ve started to use at our Sunday night family dinners entitled And Then, Story Starters, 20 Imaginative Beginnings. It’s a book-size deck of cards, each with its own riveting story starter. These prompts offer rich details from which to build and could be of great use if you want to try the cooperative storytelling and would like help in getting started.

 

 

Originally posted May 26, 2016

On NBC’s Parent Toolkit – “One More Cupcake?…Promoting Self-Control through the Ages”

Whether you are concerned about preparing your children for school readiness, academic achievement, or success later in life, the learned skill of self-control will play a central role. Check out my latest article on specific, simple ways parents can promote self-control at various ages and stages. Here’s how it begins…

One More Cupcake?…Promoting Self-Control through the Ages

“I know I’m not allowed but no one will notice if I take one more cupcake,” reasons my nine-year-old son. Whether young or old or in-between, we are constantly exercising the skill of self-control. And though our ability to resist impulses can apply to small issues like resisting a sweet treat, self-control, a learned competence, is an essential ingredient for pursuing goals, performing well in school, and maintaining healthy relationships.

Walter Mischel, author of The Marshmallow Test, Why Self-Control is the Engine of Success writes that self-control “is essential for developing the self-restraint and empathy needed to build caring and mutually supportive relationships.” That’s because instead of responding impulsively to others, we need to consider feelings and the impact our words and actions have upon them. Read full article.

#SEL #parenting

Homework Attitude – Promoting Autonomy and Competence to Inspire Hard Work

When it comes to homework, attitude can make all of the difference.

Children can bring worries or beliefs to their homework that we, as parents, may or may not be aware of.

“The other kids all know this already but I just don’t understand it. How will I catch up?”

“I’m just not good at science.”

“What if I’ll never be able to figure this out?”

Anxiety in a child can fuel them to either walk away from a challenge, or to dig in and work harder to meet their struggles. And we can have a significant influence on how our children approach those challenges through our own words and attitudes.

An interesting study was done on mothers and children during homework time.(1) Researchers noted whether mothers’ comments during homework completion were controlling or supporting autonomy and competence. In this study, they found – regardless of the child’s age and gender – that those children who were low or average performing already were greatly impacted by their Mom’s either controlling behaviors or supportive words offering autonomy and believing in their competence. The study concluded that those children who brought worries about their ability to perform had a heightened sensitivity to their mother’s comments. Mom’s who supported their autonomy – “I know you can do it!” – and demonstrated that they believed in their child’s ability to do the work predicted increased achievement over time. However, those mothers who were more controlling in their comments – “I need to check your work. That’s not right.” – predicted less engagement and lower achievement in their children.

Students who began homework with already-high achieving scores were not as impacted by their mom’s comments whether controlling or autonomy-supporting. Researchers suspect that those high-achieving students brought the attitude to their work that they were already competent and had demonstrated it in school. They did not possess the same kinds of worries or sensitivities that average to low achieving students brought.

There is much to learn from this study. It’s likely our children may vacillate through the years from high-achieving to moderate to low depending upon their teacher, the course work itself, and their interest in the subject. It helps to know how we can respond when our children are feeling frustrated or not competent in the tasks they have been asked to complete at home.

Autonomy-Supportive Attitudes, Actions, and Comments

Parents can support their children’s autonomy during homework time in a few specific ways.

Set up the homework space for success in partnership with your child. “What school tools will you need at the ready?” may be an important question to ask when setting up for homework time. Students may need paper, pencils, crayons, and more so check in to see what should be available. Then, make sure there is a clean, organized, and designated space for your child to work each day. And that space is ideally near where you are going to be. Are you cooking in the kitchen? Could your child sit at the kitchen table or in an adjacent room? Is it fairly quiet? (Turn off television and radio so your child can focus.) Make certain that your child has a conducive space for working. For more, check out “Getting Set Up for Homework Success.”

Offer choice on the timing of homework completion (if possible). Evenings can be an activity-packed time between sports or after school programs, dinner, bath/shower and bedtime routines. There’s little time to fit it all in. But if you do have any flexibility, then ask your child when she will feel best about getting homework done – right after school? before dinner? after dinner? Offering your child the choice will increase her sense of autonomy with her work.

Show your confidence in your child’s ability to get homework accomplished. “I know you can do it on your own. I’m here if you need any support.” is the key message. Leave them alone (give them the autonomy) to manage it for themselves while remaining close by so they can ask for your help if needed.

Articulate your confidence. If he expresses worries, let him know you are certain he can do it with some time and focus. “You can learn anything you need or want to with hard work.”

Facilitate thinking when asked for help. Instead of giving answers, ask questions about the problem at hand. “What on the worksheet would give you a clue to your answer?” “What are ways you think you can find the answer?”

Lead to resources when asked for help. Point out what books or worksheets your child has available to help her learn more about what she is working on. And what if she forgets her book? Use the available resources. Research on the internet. Use your home library or visit one nearby. Keep a dictionary and thesaurus on hand.

Practice taking brain breaks. If your child throws his pencil down in frustration, suggest a brain break. Move away. Set the timer for ten minutes. Go play. Walk outside. Encourage breathing. Read a story or find another enjoyable distraction. Get a snack if hunger might be an issue. Then, return refreshed and ready to focus.

Allow for real world consequences. Part of giving a child autonomy is allowing her to experience the outcomes of her choices. If she forgot a book from school that was part of her homework (and could not be replaced by another at home), then allow her to explain it to her teacher the next day and take whatever consequences come from not doing her work. That’s how she’ll learn to take responsibility.

I look at a poster every few days when I am at the gym exercising entitled “Rate of Exertion” and because it’s hanging directly in front of me, I rate myself. “How hard am I working today?” I ask myself. Rating scales can help an individual self-reflect on the level of effort she is giving to any task. It can inspire self-awareness and accountability. So I’ve created a hard work poster for you as a tool to post in your child’s homework area. You need not facilitate discussion around it. Don’t make it a tool for yourself. But hang it and perhaps, like me, your child will rate herself on her own efforts toward her homework goals.

We can prevent power struggles at homework time by offering our children a sense of autonomy over their work. Not only can we calm their worries, we can also promote engagement as we demonstrate through our words and actions that indeed our kids are competent and able to learn anything if they put the time and hard work into it.

References:

(1) Fei-Yin Ng, F., Kenney-Benson, G.A., & Pomerantz, E.M. (2004). Children’s achievement moderates the effects of mothers’ use of control and autonomy support. Child Development. Vol. 75, 3, 764-780.

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