The author with whom I was collaborating to get an article published today lost her mother recently. We’ll publish her outstanding content in a few weeks. But for now, we are respecting her sacred space to mourn and remember. It seems an important moment to write about loss. In my personal life, my dear friend lost her mother unexpectedly in the last week and she is trying to cope day to day. My own parents are dealing with failing health and my Dad, who is in Hospice care, seems fragile, his energy, pain, and capacity changing daily. This year, I sold my childhood home as I moved my parents into assisted living. After the final cleaning, I sat on the floor in each room and allowed the memories and emotions to flood me. While I run back and forth to assisted living, I am also feeling the loss of my son’s positive energy in our household while he’s away at college for the first time; the persistent sound of him playing music in our basement, the presence of his friends, and the rhythm of high school activities that dominated our lives. I walk into his bedroom on occasion and just soak in his environment and listen to the quiet as I miss him.

In fact, we may face grief and loss with each and every developmental age and stage. The experiences of “firsts” and the wonder and awe of an infant are unlike any other experience in childhood. We can look back at any later age and miss that baby who was totally dependent upon us for survival. A toddler’s triumphant experiences with agency (“no!, I do it myself!”), physical mobility, and language are unique to that time of life. We may miss those moments of exploration and discovery after leaving that age. On the other end of the spectrum, as my son nears the very end of adolescence, his “firsts” experiencing college life and all of the opportunities it offers him are exciting and exhilarating for him. And I get to experience it vicariously when we have our Sunday catch-up calls. I’m hotly anticipating our first visit this coming weekend for parents’ weekend. But in between, I ache. I feel that energy missing in our household.

We feel these losses with our aging children. And often in mid-life, we are also experiencing aging parents or relatives. We can become caregivers on both ends of the life spectrum — our children and our parents — adding complexity to our days and weeks not to mention a whole lot of stress. 

Experiencing grief and loss is never convenient in our lives. It arises unexpectedly. We can shove it down hard when we are with others, are too busy to feel, or just can’t handle the stress of it. Yet, interestingly, the deeper you move into mid-life, the more you experience grief and loss. We all have the opportunity to develop a relationship with grief that keeps us whole-hearted. This is the adulting part we’d rather avoid. Yet, when we look to some of our elders who have grown bitter through their years of pain and difficulty, I wonder if they’ve missed that opportunity. I don’t want to unwittingly hang onto grief while I think I am ignoring it. Instead, I carry it with me. And it impacts my days. Every time I have an irritant or frustration, the heat is that much hotter because that layer of sadness is streaming through my body waiting for an escape. I also am aware that waiting on the other side of grief are incredibly important life rewards I don’t want to miss out on. They include gratitude, presence, compassion, patience, acceptance, wisdom, peace, and even joy. 

We can better face our fears of grief and loss if we better understand it. As we build our muscles around facing into grief instead of running from it or looking away from it, we can find self compassion as we move through our own process of dealing with it. In attempting to understand grief, I’ve learned:

1. Grief and loss create a complex mix of emotions not just sadness. Grief can stir anger as we attempt to overpower our sadness. It can create anxiety as we worry about more loss to come. It can create cravings, desires, and guilt as we can try to ease our pain either in healthy or unhealthy ways. It can create impatience with others as they remind us of what we are trying hard to ignore.
2. We can challenge our story that we can’t handle it. How many of us are scared we will drown in the weight of our sadness if we actually allow ourselves to feel it? How many of us unfairly judge ourselves as “wallowing like a teenager” (that’s judging teenagers too!) when we do take time to feel the sadness? Recasting our story about how we feel and deal with sadness can give us the chance to allow it. We are capable. We have the courage to feel it and expend it so that it doesn’t need to hold on and stay with us.
3. “Anticipatory grief” is real.¹ I discovered that I was grieving all senior year-long and I was mad at myself for it. “This is too soon! Why am I feeling this now!?” Yet, every last event was cause for sadness in the midst of celebrations. I think, because I felt so much anticipatory grief, I actually was less sad when he left home. I had room for excitement for all that he had in store.
4. Find time to express the “feels.” In our busy lives, all the feelings that come with grief and loss can derail us if we don’t have an outlet for our pain. Whether you express your upset in a vigorous workout, an impressionist painting, or a quiet reflective journaling session, how will you create the time to feel what you need to feel? Putting it off only delays the inevitable and risks accumulating grief into bitterness that is hard-crusted and more difficult to break through later on. How will you remain open-hearted by caring for your heart now?

For me, this is relationship-in-progress. I have not figured out how I can deal with so much grief and loss in my daily life but I’m trying. I know I’m capable and you are too. Just being aware of the fact that it’s important to create the space to feel is a big step forward. I often think about how I comfort friends who have lost someone precious. How can I treat my own heart with the same understanding, compassion, and generosity? It helps to know I am not alone. Our village of parents is going through this too. How can you treat your own heart with the same understanding, compassion, and generosity? You are capable.

Reference:

Kubler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. 2005. On Grief and Grieving; Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss. NY: Scribner.