Confident Parents’ Founder/Author Jennifer Miller is featured today on the CivilTalk Podcast, a platform that serves as a haven for university students where they can convene, engage, and hone their civility skills together. Jennifer speaks with Topacio Althaus, the host of CivilTalk.
We consider questions like:
How do you ensure civil talk happens in family life when our national political climate is so divided?
How do schools build the necessary skills to promote civil talk?
How can families deal with the complications of technology at home? Does that add or take away from civil talk — and what to do about it?
And how can parents promote essential life skills like empathy, self awareness, self management and more in the messy, raw context of family life?
I have a single quote inside my kitchen cabinet that I see daily as I make breakfast. It reads, “where focus goes, energy grows.” As I’ve focused on this idea, it’s helped me notice more often where my attention and focus are trained throughout a given day. If I have a hope, desire, or goal I’m working toward, I know that my conscious focus needs to be on that hope daily if I want to move closer toward it, if I want it to grow.
Intentions bring a sense of meaning and purpose to how you show up in life. It orients your mindset in a particular direction. And research confirms it is one key to achieving goals.1 Do you want to increase your friendships? Setting an intention to be a good friend may help you focus on how you might bring about more friendships in your life. “Intentions create an integrated state of priming, a gearing up of our neural system to be in the mode of that specific intention: We can be readying to receive, to sense, to focus, to behave in a certain manner,” wrote Daniel Siegel in The Mindful Brain.2 Of course, once you train your brain to focus in a particular area, it requires self management (a higher order thinking skill) to be able to stay focused on that area. But if you’ve articulated your intention to someone you love, there is an accountability in sharing it.
So how do we use the power of intentions in family life? The beginning of the school year seems an ideal time to help your child set their own personal intention for this coming school year to help them focus on how they want to show up. And with a bit of reflection as a family, your child can express their intention so they prime themselves for that focus over the coming weeks and months. With this understanding of where your child wants to focus their attention, you will understand best how you can support them. The intention can be simple and single-focused. And in fact, it loses its power if you attempt to load it down with all of their goals, hopes, and wishes. So focusing on one area, maybe an area where they haven’t focused before, can help them develop a new capacity. Their intention can also help to serve as an anchor and reminder of their focus when competing demands divide attention. You can provide gentle reminders of their intention they can always return to.
In addition, you as a parent/caregiver can benefit tremendously from setting your own intention for the school year. As you attempt to manage supporting your child’s learning when home as well as your own work and other key relationships and responsibilities, setting an intention can train your own focus when you turn your attention to all efforts related to your child’s school.
Here’s a dinner conversation starter to help you begin the thinking with your family.
Family 1-2-3 Questions – Conversation Starter:
1. Who do you admire? And Why? Or simply what traits in other people do you admire?
2. Are any of those traits you admire challenging for you?
3. Where do you want to improve and learn this year?
Parents can model and think through their own responses to this question related to the school year. You might consider:
1. Who in education or teaching do you admire?
2. What traits do you admire that challenge you?
3. Where do you want to improve in your own role as your child’s learning support this year?
Formulate a simple, short intention statement from this. Some examples might be:
I will to work hard and bring my best effort to all assignments.
I will show kindness to my teacher and classmates.
I will be open to new friendships this year.
I will create space for a caring relationship with my child’s teacher.
Write these down. Keep them at the ready. School will get hard. Work will challenge your student. Teacher’s expectations may challenge you. Return when you feel that challenge to your intention statement. How can it help you stay focused? How can you use it to remind your child of their focus?
We all require support as we attempt to do hard work. And the relationships of school which determine whether or not we learn are just as hard work as the worksheets, tests, and projects that make up the curriculum. Setting your sights as a family on how each individual can meaningful contribute to a safe, healthy, caring and supportive school year will help you all focus your attention together on making the most of your child’s year of learning ahead. And that’s powerful.
Your alarm goes off in the morning. If you’re like me, you hit the snooze button (at least) one time before pushing yourself to get moving. You get up and begin your morning routine — shower, get dressed, brush teeth, have breakfast — all of the things you need to do to ensure you are able to kick off your day in a way that checks all the boxes necessary before heading out the door.
As a parent, your morning routine has more complexity. On top of making sure you are checking all of the boxes needed for yourself to confidently start the day, you have the responsibility of overseeing that your child’s routine is in motion and that all of their boxes are being checked. Not to mention, for those with more than one child, that checklist is multiplied!
Routines and checklists are great! They offer guidance and predictability. However, they can’t guarantee the ‘perfect morning’ all on their own, especially when it comes to our children. Try as we may, there always seem to be barriers that work against our ability to get ourselves and those dependent upon us out the door effectively and efficiently.
There are two specific barriers which we have discovered to be particularly present in our home and, in speaking with other parents, have learned are common in other households as well: punctuality anxiety and a lack of planning.
Barrier #1: Punctuality Anxiety
Many of us are beholden to a place of employment that relies on us to arrive for work on time and on top of that, punctuality is imperative for positive performance. For instance, someone who is a doctor that has their first patient being prepped for the operating room doesn’t have the same kind of ‘wiggle room’ with timing as someone whose employment situation offers a little more flexibility. Not to mention, in some families, there is a bus to catch for school!
The way punctuality anxiety shows up in our household is when one of our children chooses to spend an especially long time completing one of the routine tasks. Thus begins my inner monologue as I try to stay composed: Why is Maggie needing to tell me all about gym class yesterday in the process of brushing her teeth? Must that REALLY happen now when I need to leave the house in five minutes to get to work on time?! Then, all it takes is one more second of time needed beyond my control and my inner monologue lashes outward “I have to leave this house in five minutes in order to get to work on time, why are you telling me this story now? We have the whole ride to school and you can tell me about it then!” Next thing I know, my daughter is having a meltdown triggered by my yelling at her… a meltdown that now adds ten more unplanned minutes to the morning routine…(not to mention the fact that now we are both frustrated and stressed).
Barrier #2: Lack of Planning
These days it seems inevitable that we start our morning routine only to make a discovery such as, “Oh no! It’s the first day of his new swim class at school and his favorite swimsuit isn’t washed!” or “Today’s the day she is supposed to turn in her homework, and only one of the two pages is done!” or “Mother Nature threw us a curveball: an early fall tornado!” Next thing you know, you are frantically throwing things in the laundry for a ‘Quick Wash’ cycle or running down to the basement to take shelter and wait while losing precious seconds. Or you’re anxiously coaxing your child through that second page of homework while packing lunches…
Are these barriers familiar to you? Here’s the good news… the power to knock them down lies within you! While neither my husband nor I would say we have ‘nailed it’ in using these, here are some proactive strategies that we have found to work rather well as of late:
Set your alarm earlier! It’s amazing what ten extra minutes can do to allay your anxiety.
If you have a caregiving partner at home, cross-check daily schedules with them! Is their schedule more flexible to allow for them to drive your child to school on a particular day? Then, your daughter can afford the time to share every last detail of that gym class story!
Keep an updated and detailed calendar. We have found the ‘Notes’ section on our shared digital calendar to be especially helpful such as, “Grandpa is the one picking up Daniel from preschool today.”
Carve out time the evening before to review the calendar and strategize for what’s “on deck” for the day ahead. What’s the weather prediction? Will it impact road conditions? Is tomorrow the day that homework is due? “Oh look! It’s his first swim class tomorrow. Better get his favorite swimsuit washed tonight! Her well-child doctor’s visit is tomorrow! Did we figure out who is picking her up early from school to take her? My first meeting tomorrow is especially important to be punctual for. I’d better ask my partner to be on drive-to-school duty!”
With that in mind, we are all human and because of a myriad of variables, we can’t always be so on top of planning ahead. Here are some in-the-moment strategies that we have used and found to be helpful:
Onboard a strategy or two that helps you to maintain composure as best as you can when you feel anxious. The more composed you stay, the more likely your child is to stay the course. “Deep breaths” may work for some people, but not everyone. Perhaps walking out of the room for a minute or tapping your thumbs to each of your fingers or another calming strategy is helpful for settling your own feelings.
Let natural consequences take their course! If you end up being late to work and have a stressful day of running late to every meeting because you didn’t know there was going to be a major storm causing difficult road conditions, ideally it’ll remind you to look ahead at the weather and plan accordingly next time. Reflect with your whole family! Children benefit from learning about those natural consequences and how you’ll take steps to create safety when facing unexpected events. Together, make a solid plan for next time.
As you consider what you’ve read, I encourage you to ask yourself: Do “manic mornings” happen in my house? Do I find myself getting anxious when I am worried about a stand-still in our family’s morning routine? Is there a way I can plan ahead more effectively to help mornings move more smoothly?
While it is impossible to guarantee a ‘perfect’ morning routine all of the time, employing strategies like these can ideally help you towards kicking off the day as effectively and efficiently as possible!
Liza’s Favorite Recommended Resources Include:
Conscious Discipline – Check out their website with free resources that for educators and parents alike.
The Secrets of Happy Families; Improve your Mornings, Tell your Family History, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play and Much More by Bruce Feiler
Liza Adams is Co-Director of Early Childhood Services at The Mandel JCC’s Early Childhood Center in Beachwood, Ohio. She has been working in the field of early childhood education since 2008 after graduating from Ohio State University with a Bachelor’s Degree in Human Development and Family Science. Liza went on to obtain her Master’s degree in Jewish Education from Siegal College, and participated in the Jewish Early Childhood Education Leadership Institute that encouraged inquiry and reflective practice, development of leadership, and building of school culture. Liza is passionate about partnering with caregivers to cultivate an environment for young children in which high-quality care and trusted relationships are foundational, play is the way for curiosity to take its course, and there is a positive approach to social-emotional learning and behavioral guidance. Liza is also the mother of a daughter in elementary school and a son in preschool.
Whether your child speaks the desire or not, most if not all children enter the school year with a hope of cultivating new friends. Yet, our children may not feel comfortable initiating a conversation or have well-rehearsed the social skills needed to grow a friendship. It can require great courage to risk possible rejection to go up to someone brand new to begin a conversation. If your preschool age child once played side by side with peers and began a friendship by bumping their toy cars into one another, that easy start can become more complex as children grow. “How do I just talk to someone I don’t know?“, “What if no one is playing a game I like?” and “What if I ask to play and they say ‘No.’? are real concerns. Social anxiety can strike at any moment. Kids don’t often know how to cope with those worries and turn to you for guidance. So how do you help your child through those times while supporting their social skill development?
We know that whether at school or in an extracurricular activity, friendships will add to a child’s comfort and enjoyment and can even determine whether they’ll participate in the first place. Research studies confirm that friendships can contribute to a student’s academic performance. Studies have concluded that for both elementary and middle school students, those that have significant friendships at school have a higher motivation for working toward social and academic goals.1 A teacher writes:
“We expect our elementary and middle school students to have mastered these skills before they reach our classrooms. In fact, many of the problems we solve daily are not related to academics but to our students’ undeveloped social skills.“2
Indeed, friendships and a sense of belonging at school can directly address the chronic absenteeism problem that schools has faced since the pandemic. Each student who has at least one treasured friendship – their go-to buddy – has greater incentive to get to school each day.
For teachers, making relationship building a priority at the beginning of the school year can not only eliminate some of those social anxieties that get in the way of learning, they can motivate a child to engage and work hard with friends at their side throughout the school year. Developing friendships and being able to collaborate with peers requires multiple skills that must be learned and practiced over time. And it’s not enough for students to learn to create a friendship with those who are just like they are. Additionally, teachers and parents need to build the skills of accepting and working with students who are different from you. Caring classroom communities not only help students discover their commonalities but also recognize, celebrate and focus on the uniqueness and importance of differences.
Though you may feel as a parent that you have little influence on friend-making at school when you are not present, that’s not exactly true. There are numerous ways you can offer valuable practice in friendship skills at home. Practicing some of these skills over the coming weeks as all students are newly back to school can help set your child up for success setting the tone for a school year where they feel a sense of belonging and care.
Here are some ideas to try out.
For Preschool and Elementary School Age Children
Model.
Find chances in the grocery store or at the bank during regular weekly activities in which your child accompanies you to model introductions to people. Perhaps when you go buy school supplies, this could be your chance. You may go to the same store each week but do you know the names of the employees that assist you? Introduce yourself and your child.
“Hi. I come in here weekly and you’ve helped me many times. What is your name? It’s nice to meet you. This is my daughter, Amanda. She is a big help on shopping trips.”
Be sure and take the opportunity on the car ride home to reflect on the introduction. You might ask, “What did you notice that I said to the woman at the store? Are there some kids at school you might be able to introduce yourself to in a similar way?”
Practice at home.
For younger children, get out three or four of your child’s stuffed friends and have them join you for a snack after school. Start by making your own introduction of one to another. Then, have your child do the rest of the introductions. “Seal meet Wayne, the bunny. You both like playing legos with Amanda.” Share one commonality and one difference. My son loved this game and looks for opportunities to introduce puppets, trains, cars and other friends that have not yet met. Remember to point out the small aspects you may take for granted to set your child up for success. Nonverbals matter! For example, “I looked at him in the eyes. I smiled and then, I offered my name.“
For older children into middle school, you can involve them in introductions by play acting with them and engaging them in fun. Talk about how it can feel awkward to introduce yourself. Maybe share a story of a time you felt awkward or silly but made an introduction anyway and were glad you did. Show them how you did it. “I just walked up and said ‘I see you are reading that great book. I read it last summer and loved it. I’m Amanda.’” Recognize that it will take some courage to approach a peer. Offer simple ways to join in a game, just sit down, or introduce a topic to get through the awkward first step and move on to getting to know others. It helps to consider questions your child might ask to open up conversation like, “what do you like to do at recess?” Or “who was your favorite teacher last year?“
Create new attitudes around differences.
If your child’s classroom teacher is not intentional about building classroom community and inclusive connections, children may tend toward creating small groups and leaving children out. Your child does not need to be dear friends with every child but they do need to show acceptance and respect and get along with every child in the class. After all, they’ll have plenty of interactions and may even need to work with each of their peers on academic projects. How you talk about differences at home matters greatly. How can you notice when you are talking about classmates, neighbors, or any person outside of your immediate family? Now is the time to use your best self management skills and exercise curiosity (versus judgment with differences). When differences arise — “they don’t think like we do.” — the essential question becomes, “what can we learn from that difference?” Judgment of classmates at home leads to judgment of classmates at school. Set your child up for success in the classroom by curbing any judgment and showing acceptance and curiosity for uniqueness. Look for the (at times, hidden) gifts of each individual! When your child comes home from school talking judgmentally about another child, use your best life coaching approach. You might respond,
“every child in your class has a gift whether it’s clear to you or not. Your special trick can be finding that gift. Do you know what it is for the classmate you’re talking about?”
Ask about free times like lunchtime and recess.
There are very few free moments during the school day when children choose what they can do and with whom they can do it but lunch and recess are often those times. It can be so difficult to find someone to sit with at lunch when looking out at a sea of unfamiliar faces. Talk about this and what your child might do. Model simple language that he can use. “Can I sit with you?” is all it takes – that and a lot of courage – to sit down with a new group of students and have lunch. Talking about it with you and helping your child see that everyone has those feelings of awkwardness at one point or another may give him the courage needed to take that first step.
Provide reinforcing comments.
As your child tells you about attempts to make new friends, reinforce what she is doing. “I notice you introduced yourself today. That kind of bravery is going to pay off, just wait, and see.” It may take a number of tries to make a connection that lasts beyond the lunch period. Also, it’s tempting to ask about and judge the kids with whom she is connecting. You may know the parents or have seen the potential friends through school interactions. We know that peers can be a significant influence on our child and we want it to be a positive one. However, because it can feel so challenging to make connections and kids are still trying to figure out in which group they belong, allow them some space to take healthy risks and try out new friendships.
Teach to repair harm.
Making friends is hard enough but keeping friends can represent another level of social skills. After all, there are no perfect friends. Each will make mistakes and hurt one another. The trick when hurt or harm occurs is that your child knows how to make amends. Teach that their next choice can be a better choice to heal the relationship. They may feel hurt too. So they need practice at home — with you, with siblings, with neighborhood friends. When they cause harm (and it may be inadvertent), how can they accept their role and responsibility and make things better? Can they offer an apology face to face? Can they mend a broken toy, offer a hug, or write a note? There are many ways that friends can repair harm done. Yet so often, when conflict arises, children’s coping strategies lead to more harm (silent treatment, blame, contempt, and more). They need your coaching and your support in generating ideas for what they can do to create healing when they have calmed down and are ready. You can assure them that (if harm was done on multiple sides) taking responsibility for their part is the right thing to do. They do not have control over anyone else’s behavior, only their own.
Have patience and give it time.
Though at times, it may be challenging to see your child struggling to simply walk up to a group of kids to engage in play, slow your own mind down. Recall your own socially awkward moments as a child. Perhaps even remember times as an adult that it’s been tough to walk, for example, into a brand new workplace and begin relationships. Thinking about your own tough times in starting friendships can help extend your own patience while realizing that, for a child in the midst of social anxieties, it can be a significant and all-consuming challenge. Your guidance and show of confidence that they can do it will help them take the risks they need to take in order to develop those critical relationships.
Children often begin with the advantage of a core common interest – camp, school, sports. If your child initiates a conversation, that may be all that is needed to forge a friendship. Have those discussions, model, practice, and reinforce their courageous efforts as they make attempts. Root for your child in connecting with each person in their class. Those small supports you provide can go a long way toward helping your child find the confidence for making healthy friendships.
DuBois, D. L., Felner, R. D., Brand, S., Adan, A. M., & Evans, E. G. (1992). A prospective study of life stress, social support, and adaptation in early adolescence. Child Development, 63,542-557.
Watson, M., Ecken, L. (2003). Learning to Trust; Transforming Difficult Elementary Classrooms through Developmental Discipline. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
Harter, S. (1996). Teacher and classmate influences on scholastic motivation, self-esteem, and level of voice in adolescents. In J. Juvonen & K. R. Wentzel (Eds.), Social motivation: Understanding children’s school adjustment (pp. 11-42). New York: Cambridge University Press.
Wentzel, K. R. (1994). Relations of social goal pursuit to social acceptance, classroom behavior, and perceived social support. Journal of Educational Psychology, 86, 173-182.
Adapted from original published on September 5, 2013.
As we pass through the family orientation at my son’s high school, we stop and connect with many students, teachers, parents, and administrators. Particularly with the students, we ask how each is feeling about returning to school. And though I always get a thrill with the start of school, these students are feeling other emotions – anxiousness, sorrow, and even some dread. “There’s so much work ahead,” one said already exasperated. Friend drama, tough class schedules, and college applications loom and you can sense how it feels daunting for these rising juniors. When I asked teens and parents what their hopes and dreams were for this school year, they had many specific goals at the ready including getting a driver’s license, surviving calculus, heading to state championships for soccer, narrowing down a path toward a college major, and mastering executive function skills like organizing, planning, and managing their multiple goals and considerable work load.
Depending on the age and stage of the students in your home, some of these feelings may resonate. Or you may have younger children who are holding many fears of new teachers, new peers, and new academic challenges along with hopes for making friends, having some fun at lunch and recess, and connecting with their teacher.
Although differing grade levels and ages will anticipate in differing ways, they’ll surely share the fact that the start of school produces many feelings for students, faculty, and parents alike. That’s why, there a couple key points to remember in these first days:
Everyone deserves grace and patience. Nerves can make anyone scramble for words, or fumble for the right school supply needed. No one needs to be or act perfectly from the start though that’s precisely what so many of our students — and teachers! – expect of themselves. Take time with each other and offer plenty of patience for each person to get into a groove. Just as an orchestra may know their individual parts, it takes considerable time, consistency, and rehearsal to come together to make harmonious music.
The start of school is a process – a season – and not a single day. With each new day, there’s an opportunity to learn a name and connect to a unique passion or interest so that you truly remember it. This also means that there’s plenty of time to hope and dream together; to set intentions together; and to establish boundaries or ground rules together at school. And at home, there’s plenty of time to consider home routines like morning, after school, dinnertime, homework time, and bedtime and how plans for consistency and responsibilities around these routines can add to our children’s sense of safety and ability to learn and grow.
More rest, quiet, and renewal is needed at the end of each day. Because our students are using every ounce of self control and focus they have during these new school days, they will likely come home tired (and perhaps, grumpy too). Make time and space for extra care, extra down time, extra rest so that your home can be a respite amidst all of the pressures of the school day.
Confident Parents, Confident Kids has been reflecting on back to school season for twelve years now! And we’ve accumulated many articles and supports to help us all in this time of transition. Here are some of our best of… back to school!
Yes, for teens, getting up early can be a truly difficult task as they fight their very biology that’s geared for staying up late and getting up even later. Check out these transition tips!
Children’s minds are racing at the end of day with so many new challenges, relationships, and environments. They may even generate more energy as their body pushes through these first big days. Help them calm themselves so that they get enough to sleep to feel good and bring their best through these first few weeks.
Yes, home routines matter and directly impact learning. In fact, they may be one of the most significant ways in which parents can impact a child’s learning in school. Take some time to learn about how you can establish or reinvent your home routines so that they best promote learning.
Your transition into kindergarten with a young children can feel like a giant leap for the whole family. Your child will be required to learn a whole new way of “doing school” and they’ll need to use every ounce of self control they can muster to focus and adhere to those new school rules and routines. They’ll be big emotions at home as they release the pressure that has been building all day. Parents, you definitely can use some extra support! Check out these helpful tips from one of our most popular articles ever!
Parent/Caregiver Engagement in Schools and Learning…
What are ways parents can effectively communicate in these early weeks that establish a positive relationship with their child’s teacher? These seeds planted can grow into a trusting, valued relationship that serves your child throughout the school year. Dr. Woo gives her best tips!
Though parents can attend open houses and meet and greet teachers, they may not learn exactly what their roles and responsibilities are for the school year. So often, we, as parents, are left to figure out ways we can be a meaningful contributor. Check out these tips for parents!
The buzz of back to school season is here. We are shopping, getting class schedules, and mentally and emotionally adjusting ourselves to the fact that the start of school is just around the corner. In my son’s school, we have a brand new Head of School. And we’ve asked each other the questions we are wondering about: what will she be like? What changes will she bring about? Will they be welcome additions? Will there be aspects we don’t like as much? A change in teachers, coaches, or advisors may excite and enervate parents and students alike anticipating starting back.
This particular Head of School sent a note out to the entire school community introducing herself. In her note, she stated plainly that she planned to devote the whole first year to listening and learning about the school community before setting a vision or making sweeping changes. Immediately, I knew we were in good hands. Her intention and willingness to listen gave me a sense of calm and confidence that her leadership was going to make a positive difference. She wants to discover the strengths and goodness already present and build on it. But this is not the norm…
Listening is a highly underrated, under-discussed and attended to skill. And it is a skill — learnable, teachable, and practicable. In fact, in school, about six years is devoted to formal reading instruction though 16% of our lives is spent reading, 30% speaking, and 45% listening.1 Research confirms that when students have learned something new, they lose one half to one third of that new knowledge within eight hours.2 Imagine what happens in a classroom during a lesson – lectures, maybe small group discussions, directions or logistics communicated. These all require listening.
We might add to these conditions that listening is a naturally difficult task (and more so, if you add any neuro-diversity to the mix!). The fact is that we think much faster than we talk. So when we are listening, we think at a higher speed and that thinking can take us for a ride – around the block, around our to do list, around judgment of the speaker – none of which is actually contributing to our comprehending of what we are hearing. All that spare time for thinking can actually be used wisely to enhance our listening skills. But only if we are trained and practiced in doing so. We’ll get back to those practices in a minute. But first, why should listening be the focus in back to school time for families?
In addition to some of the obvious reasons that come to mind in understanding a teacher’s instructions or comprehending a lesson, there is a much more fundamental reason for a whole family, indeed a whole school community to focus on listening in the back to school season. And that is: belonging and connection. Our sense of safety, of caring, of trusting relationships begins with the small practice of listening. When someone focuses their attention on us, we feel seen, heard, and valued. We feel understood. And we feel we matter. Even if the other person disagrees with our opinions, they’re willingness to listen with an open mind and open heart offer us a generous space for being recognized as important, worthy of someone’s time and attention. Every student needs to feel that they are seen, heard and valued. And parents and caregivers too need that kind of acceptance in the school community as learning partners especially since they are unable to be present as much as students and staff are present.
Why not just focus on the basics? Why does a focus on belonging, on listening, on relationships matter so much? In fact, it is the core of learning — necessary — not icing on the cake. Bottom line, “no significant learning occurs without a significant relationship.” Thank you, Dr. James Comer, Professor of Child Psychiatry at Yale University. As we consider how all learning partners are involved in our children and teen’s success including staff, educators, administrators, parents, and students, a focus on listening helps us meet so many of our goals to build caring relationships and create the conditions necessary for our child’s success.
So how can we work on it? How can we focus on it? The topic seems so simple and so challenging all at once. Here are some tips to get us started.
Practice Now with Back to School Preparations.
We may engage in a number of activities preparing for school before we even enter the school building. Shopping for clothes and supplies may offer a start. At home, we’ll be organizing and labeling, closing up summer engagements (goodbye camp, swimming pool, or summer job!), and connecting with friends to seize final summer opportunities or meet with school friends to anticipate the start together. As these activities unfold, we’ll be talking about what’s to come. These moments offer us a chance to be intentional about our listening. How can we listen for our child or teen’s feelings that hid behind the words they are using? How can we reflect back what we are hearing so that are self aware as they move toward school? Are there stories of learning triumph or learning defeat or friendship success or friendship failure that are coming out? How can our ability to create an open space for acceptance and vulnerability help them build confidence for the year ahead?
Create Your Own Intentions for the Back to School Season.
It’s a short window of time – between 3-6 weeks – when we have this shimmering moment of opportunity to meet people and build caring relationships. If we bring our best, most present self to this brief timeframe, we might cultivate seeds that will grow throughout the entire school year. Teachers have a lot to communicate in these first weeks. We can listen for understanding, listen for clarity, and listen to show we deeply care about our children’s education.
Cultivate an Open Heart and Open Mind.
As adults, we listen for gaps, flaws, and problems to fix. We look for gotchas! This is not the kind of listening that is connecting. Our teachers want to know that we have “got their backs” at home. After all, that’s what partnership means. We support one another with the common mission of supporting our children’s learning. Because this state of mind does not come naturally, we have to set an intention. We have to be aware of our default settings that easily skip to judgment. So inner coaching is necessary. We can recite, “how can I bring an open mind and heart to our curriculum night knowing every person is there with the best intent to help our student’s learn?” Practice now by inviting your child to tell you about their hopes for the school year. Use your most open self to receive those hopes.
Use That Extra Thinking Space!
If people talk slower than we think, we have extra space to utilize in ways that are connecting. Use that time while you are listening to what is said to consider these key questions:
– what am I learning from the words?
– what am I learning from the body language including facial expressions?
– what feelings am I sensing?
– do I understand everything or do I need to ask for more details?
Before responding to a teacher, fellow parent, or your own child, take a moment of pause. Take a breath. Allow for space. Ask questions to further understand what they are communicating. Or reflect back to them what you’ve heard to make sure you are getting it right. “I heard you say that homework this year will involve lots of math practice.” We move so quickly. And we all realize that often we are not fully heard. Show you are taking in and processing all that is communicated to underscore the importance of the relationships you are building as your way of giving your best to the start of the school year.
Set Rules for your Own Self Management
The biggest rule we all need to consider for ourselves is: where will our phone be? How will we manage them? Will they be put away? Will notifications be turned off? This is a challenge for all of us and one of the biggest distractions from open-minded, open-hearted listening. But there may be other rules that might assist you too. What time a day will you fully focus on your child and their back to school reflections? How will you remind yourself of focusing and using your highest listening skills? How will you begin your day in ways that create calm and focus so that you can bring that centering to your interactions throughout the day?
Play Listening Games with your Family
We love Jenny Woo’s card games with powerful, funny, and connecting questions entitled 52 Essential Conversations because it offers the chance for a family member to share their deeper reflections and for other members to practice listening. Or you can simply ask big picture questions at dinnertime. Be sure and establish the ground rules for listening before you begin. Sometimes it’s fun with young children to show what bad listening looks like. As parents, we can play act and model what we don’t want so that our children can show us what good listening looks like. Here are a few helpful ground rules for your game:
– Listen with your whole heart and mind.
– Be sure you understand what’s being said.
– Look for what the speaker is feeling when they are talking.
– Before moving on, reflect back to them exactly what you heard.
– Then, reflect back to them the feelings you sensed and see if you are right.
-When responding, use “yes and…” to build on what was said.
Reflect with Your Children on the Opportunity of Listening
If nerves are welling up as you near the first day of school, listening can be just the right anecdote. After all, all students — and teachers too! — will be nervous on the first day. A new year signals lots of uncertainty. Coach your child that they have the key to making new friends! That key is listening well. Help your child consider what questions they might ask of others to make a connection. “What teacher do you have this year? What was your favorite subject last year? What’s your favorite part of the day?” And then, they give themselves the opportunity to fully listen. Seems simple but works magic! All of sudden, your child’s nerves go away as they focus on the other person. And the other person feels seen, heard, and valued. Magic!
In a world where loneliness is an epidemic, true connection is possible. We can be agents of change in our own small ways by bringing our full focus in the back to school season. Our children notice. Not only do they notice, but they also mimic what we do sometimes and especially when we are not present. Imagine how a school year might unfold differently if each individual – teacher, parent and student – brought their open minded, open hearted selves to the school community. We have that opportunity now. May you plant the seeds of caring connection in your school community this season to grow throughout the school year!
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Check out the brand new school-family partnerships program through Confident Parents, Confident Kids entitled Listening Spaces, in which a small school team creates pathways for listening that contribute to whole school belonging and connection. Learn more!
References:
SpeakEasyInc. Hearing Vs. Listening. Retrieved on 8/7/24.
Nichols, R. G., & Stevens, L.A. Listening to People. Harvard Business Review. Retrieved on 8/7/24.
ATTENTION — Writing Opportunity for Educators who are trained in Social and Emotional Learningand are also Parents
Confident Parents, Confident Kids “merits the attention of anyone working in social, emotional and character development who wants a place to send parents for ideas and advice and dialogue.”
– Maurice Elias, Professor of Psychology; Director, Rutgers Social-Emotional and Character Development Lab; Co-Director, Rutgers Collaborative Center for Community-Based Research and Service
Not enough time to contribute to an academic journal but want to write?
Eager to reflect on how what you are learning professionally about advancing children’s social and emotional learning can help your own children?
We hope you’ll consider writing an article for Confident Parents, Confident Kids! We tried our first experiment with this last Spring and it was incredible! We had so many rich, interesting perspectives come from a range of experts in the field. Join us!
The site enjoys daily visitors from 152 countries around the world and a follow-ship of more than 24,000. Help initiate important dialogue making the connection between parenting at each age and stage and your children’s (and your own!) social and emotional development.
If interested, please email confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com with the subject line: “Article Idea from an SEL Educator!” Please include your idea (parenting opportunity/challenge), how it connects to a social and emotional skill building opportunity (in your child and yourself!), and the ages/stages of children you are writing about. Also, please include a short bio or resume. All authors must have credentials/experience in education with SEL and be actively parenting in your own home. A diverse range of perspectives is encouraged. Articles must align with the research base.
We hope you’ll join our parent-led community of practice by contributing! We are so excited to learn from how you are bringing to life the science of social and emotional learning and development to benefit your children in your own personal parenting!
All the best, Jennifer Miller, Founder and…
Senior Lead Writers: Shannon Wanless, Jason Miller, Jenny Woo, Mike Wilson, Nikkya Hargrove, and Lorea Martinez
The raucous sound waves of pounding and tiles breaking and hitting the floor echo through every corner of my little household as we remodel our only full bathroom that (can you believe I’m admitting this?) we haven’t renovated in the twenty years since we’ve lived in our home. I find myself running from library to home and back again trying to get my work done and attend to my teenager’s needs, mostly for a car to drive and accountability on the basics (like “did you eat breakfast?”). At home, the electric guitar screams and reverberates from the basement as my son attempts to learn every song from the 1980s to today. At the library, as I write, people are hovering around my library study room ready to pounce on the space. Summer chaos has arrived. And I know you have it too – just your very own brand.
Young children require constant tending as we organize playdates, tend to scraped knees, and clean out the dirt, sand, and other messes that constitute a “good” summer. For elementary-aged children, we insist that we are not their entertainment committee but yet, need to get them involved in organized activities, see friends, and get outside versus getting consumed by screens. So we schlep them to camps, to friends’ houses, to tutoring, to music lessons all in an effort to provide enrichment away from screens. If you have teens in your household, there may be power struggles over bedtimes, screen times, meal times, and more as they push for independence without responsibility and you push for responsibility. And the intensity heightens without the consistent routines and structures of school. About this time each summer, we begin to get weary of the intense heat and the bugs. So too we, as caregivers, are getting weary with the lack of structure and the many roles we feel responsible for playing in the summertime.
But there is a remedy. No, it does not involve imagining you are back on vacation. Instead you can find it in the small moments between the running here and there if you so choose to find it. Summer stillness shimmers like rays of light peaking through the clouds…there, ever-present but not loud or waving in your face. Buried in screens or in household responsibilities, you will miss it. But if you become intentional about seizing summer stillness in those glistening moments where it’s possible, you will find the healing and renewal you are looking for. Not all at once, but cumulatively, over time, those moments build a foundation within you of resilience.
Summer stillness is…
sitting outside and listening to all of the sounds of your surroundings – birdsong, breeze, traffic, children’s laughter, construction crews. Just listen. Be still. Appreciate the life you hear. If the “to do” list begins in your head, gently encourage it to float off.
pausing at your desk amidst work. Closing your computer. Backing up in your chair and closing your eyes. Breathing in for a number of breaths. Being still.
stopping in the kitchen. Placing your hands on the refrigerator or the countertops – someplace cool. Close your eyes and breathe.
with the family before eating dinner. Pause together. Close your eyes. You can ask your family to visualize their most peaceful place. Breathe for three breathes. Yes, kids can do it!
(with a little more time) go to water. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expansive. Just go to water. We have a pond in our neighborhood that I frequent. Stare at the water. Let it soothe you.
(with a little more time) head to nature. Again, it doesn’t have to be immersive. Find a park nearby. Sit on a bench or at a picnic table. Notice the life – humans but also, squirrels, birds, chipmunks, deer – quietly busy living an existence you typically don’t notice. Take time to notice. And breathe the fresh air while you do.
These may seem simple to a fault. But in our busy lives, strategies need to be. The trick is setting the intention: “I will practice stillness for my well-being.” and then sticking to it through reminders (phone or device?) or a consistent routine (right after morning coffee? right after camp drop off?). Don’t let the summer pull you under the water until you are drowning. Make sure that you are finding those shimmering moments to float. As caregivers, our family needs us to be well. Yet, their needs can consume us. And it’s not okay for us to let them consume us. That’s why we need to be proactive about renewal.
May you find plenty of shimmering moments of summer stillness ahead in each day. And may they add up to a fullness of spirit. May that spirit enter into your caregiving to infuse life with creativity and laughter and presence.
One reader and President of a Mom’s Club in Gaithersburg, MD writes, “on first reading...phenomenal! Exactly what I needed right now. I just started checking out books again, feeling like I was doing "something" wrong. I just wasn't feeling great about some of my interactions and felt like I needed a jump start. This blog is putting me back in the right mind frame. It is informative, supportive, yummy! It just makes me feel capable..and like I am talking to my best friend about it!”
Maurice Elias, author of Emotionally Intelligent Parenting and Psychology Professor at Rutgers University writes…
Confident Parents, Confident Kids “merits the attention
of anyone working in social, emotional and character development who wants a place to send parents for ideas and advice and dialogue.”
