confident parents confident kids

By Guest Author Melissa Benaroya, MSW, LICSW

The world is a very complex place, and according to the US Surgeon General, raising children is more challenging and stressful than it has been for previous generations. Helping children become more self-aware, teaching them to take the perspective of others, express empathy, and navigate their emotions positively while managing conflict is more important than ever in today’s polarized world. These skills will allow children to develop healthy, harmonious relationships and be positive contributors to their community.

“Civility is an act of showing regard and respect for others including politeness, consideration, tact, good manners, graciousness, cordiality, affability, amiability, and courteousness.”¹

Because disagreements and divisions are highly visible in our children’s world, from overhearing conversations in public to viewing events and opinions reported in social media debates, it is essential for them to learn how to engage with others respectfully, even — and especially — when opinions clash. Teaching civility involves helping children to become more self-aware and understand that there are many ways to view the same circumstances. They need to learn that even when someone sees things differently, they deserve to be treated with respect. The benefits of being more self-aware, curious, and open to others’ perspectives lay the foundation for better conflict management, increased empathy, and stronger social connections.

Teaching Empathy

Empathy is the ability to “put yourself in someone else’s shoes,” which allows one to better recognize and acknowledge the feelings of another. Expressing empathy allows us to truly connect and communicate to the other person that we hear and see that person. We are all capable of empathy, and the more we develop it in ourselves and our children, the more we can recognize that behind every opinion and action is a person with a unique set of experiences and feelings.

As parents and caregivers, the most powerful way to nurture empathy is by modeling and showing empathy during our daily interactions with children. And that simple act can transform how they react to challenges in particular. When children have big emotions, are misbehaving, or struggling with a conflict, we can model empathy with a simple one-line statement such as “It’s so hard.” For example: “It’s so hard to stop playing and go to bed” rather than “Quit complaining, or you won’t get to read any books before bed!”. The use of one simple empathetic statement, like “It’s so hard,” “Oh no,” or “You seem/look/sound…” will cue the parent to check on their own emotional state first, self-soothe, and calm down before saying anything. While at the same time, the parent acknowledges the child’s thoughts and feelings.

Expressing compassion for your child rather than dismissing or diminishing their emotions will allow you to act based on what is happening, not what you are feeling. While on the surface, using a single empathetic statement sounds simple, the application can be quite challenging. For me, it took years of practice! Check out the resource at the end of the article if you want to learn more about how to do this.

Practice with Perspective-Taking

The ability to take another person’s perspective requires one to better understand the foundations of their own perspective, which is grounded in both where that person has stood in the past and where they stand now in the moment. Research has shown that it is a combination of both past and present experiences and how we have interpreted them that influence our current thoughts, feelings, and actions.² Being able to take another’s perspective is critical in promoting civility in children because it allows them to appreciate dissimilar opinions, which then reduces the possibility of conflict and misunderstanding.

One effective way to teach perspective-taking is through structured activities. Board games such as Apples to Apples, Battleship, HedBanz, and Guess Who? are fun ways to nurture perspective-taking skills. Another way to practice this skill that doesn’t require purchasing a game is an exercise where children are presented with different scenarios and asked to guess how various people involved might feel. This process not only encourages children to think beyond their own experiences but also provides them with a framework for responding more thoughtfully to others.

Regulating Conflict with Emotion Coaching

Emotion coaching helps parents guide their children through life’s ups and downs in a way that builds confidence, resilience, and strong relationships. Developed by Dr. John Gottman, author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, this process helps children learn how emotions work and how to behave in healthy ways when strong feelings arise that help them thrive socially and academically.³ Here are a few of the emotion coaching steps that you can incorporate into your problem-solving conversations with your child:

1. Listen and validate.

Listen empathetically and respond to your child’s thoughts and experiences by affirming them. Encourage your child to tell his or her story. For example, “Hey buddy, tell me what happened.” Then, reflect back on what the child said or paraphrase with something like “It sounds like you are feeling ________(include feeling word), is that right?”

2. Help your child label emotions.

It’s important that you allow your child to label his or her own feelings, instead of dictating how to feel. Listen in a way that shows you’re paying attention and taking your child seriously, and don’t dismiss any emotions as silly or unimportant.

3. Set limits while problem-solving.

Set a limit on the behavior or choice your child expresses while acknowledging his or her emotions. For example, say, “It’s okay to feel/want ________, but it’s not okay to do or say ________.” Once the limit has been set, ask your child what he or she wants or needs. Then brainstorm together a few different ways to resolve the situation that are both safe and respectful. Help your child evaluate those ideas based on your family’s values. For example, we take responsibility for the messes we make. Let him or her choose what to do to fix the problem, try again, or try the next time the problem occurs.

Integrating empathy, perspective-taking, and emotion coaching into daily parenting practices are powerful and effective ways to teach children civility because children learn best by observing the adults in their lives. These skills not only allow children to better navigate the complexities of human interactions and enhance their own personal relationships but will also foster a more compassionate and unified world.

Resource:

Check out Melissa Benaroya’s FREE Keep Calm Course on the practice of empathy: Keep Calm Mini Course.

Reference:

Organizing Engagement, & The National Institute for Civil Discourse. Principles: Civility. Organizing Engagement. Retrieved on 11/4/2024.
Gerace, Adam & Day, Andrew & Casey, Sharon & Mohr, Philip. (2015). Perspective Taking and Empathy: Does Having Similar Past Experience to Another Person Make It Easier to Take Their Perspective?. Journal of Relationships Research. 6. e10, 1-14. 10.1017/jrr.2015.6.
Gottman, J. (1998). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child; The Heart of Parenting. NY: Simon and Schuster.

Melissa Benaroya, MSW, LICSW, is a Seattle-based parent coach, speaker, and author. She created the Childproof Parenting online course and co-authored the book The Childproof Parent. Melissa provides parents with the tools and support they need to raise healthy children and find more joy in parenting. Melissa offers parent coaching and classes and is a keynote speaker both locally and internationally. Check out Melissa’s blog for more great tips on common parenting issues.

For more great resources on civility, check out the CivilTalk Podcast! The most recent episode features Confident Parents’ Friend and Collaborator Maurice Elias on Teaching Beyond Tests: Life Skills and Civil Discourse in Schools. You’ll also discover episodes featuring Confident Parents’ Lorea Martinez on Emotional Intelligence and School Leadership and Jennifer Miller on Building an Emotionally Aware Family.

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Posted on October 30, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Inaugural School Newsletter Out Later Today – Have You Signed Up for the Free Trial?

We are excited to publish out first Confident Parents and Caregivers Newsletter specifically designed for school communities. Help us support your families! Be sure you sign up for the free trial to receive our inaugural issue today and see if it might become an important support as you work on cultivating school-family partnerships.

Thanks to those who have written in with enthusiasm! We are excited too about the possibilities! Here’s our first question from a school community…

How will the mailing list be handled for the newsletter? We don’t share our parents’ email addresses.

You will never have to share your parents’ email addresses. When you subscribe, we’ll send you a sample welcome note that you can customize for your parents. In that note, they can choose whether they want to opt-in or not. If they want to recieve the newsletter, they’ll submit their email address to us directly (their choice). We will only charge for the subscription level that corresponds to the number of parents/caregivers who sign up.

Today, if you sign up, we’ll also send you a FREE GIFT for your parents and caregivers – a printable homework routine planning sheet that families can use to decide on how their family will set up their routine together.

Here’s a little taste of what’s coming today…

1. Welcome Letter from Jennifer Miller, MEd. – This letter offers the top seven simple tips for motivating children and teens to focus, work hard, and persist on their school work at home based on solid research.

2. Did You Know? Developmental Tips by Grade Level on Hard Work, Motivation and Persistence. Here’s our first grade example. They’ll be tips for each grade from preschool through high school!

In First Grade – Your child is now busy learning to read and it’s no small task! In fact, it’s monumental and may be giving your child stress as they feel pressured to learn. Be sure that, at this age, you take time to pick out favorite, high interest books for your child (local libraries are perfect for this!). Snuggle up together and take turns reading words or sentences. Have your child pick out words, phrases or sentences they are able to read. You can read the bulk of it but be sure and use your finger to guide your child to read along as with you. Whether stories create laughter, sorrow, or happy scares, find joy together in learning to read. This will go a long way in motivating your young child through the hard work of learning to read!

3. Supporting Learning at Home Tip of the Month – This section will focus on offering ways in which parents and caregivers can help set up the physical space, the emotional conditions and also their own support to create a conducive, focused environment for learning regardless of the type of home setting they have. This month, we focus on the routine of homework time. Here’s the start of the tip!

It’s important that you work with your children to establish a homework routine that a.) works for your family practically; b.) coordinates with taking care of their physical and emotional needs; and c.) maximizes their focus on getting the work accomplished. You likely already have fallen into a routine. But it’s easy for some bad habits to form for your student if you haven’t been intentional about that routine. This is an ideal time to consider how it’s going and see if there are ways to improve on it so that as you enter tough and challenging work assignments, you and your young learner are ready! Here are some things to examine: Sign up for more!

4. Focus on a Life Skill: Practicing Self-Management (sign up for more!)

5. Healthy Ways to Use Technology Tip of the Month (sign up for more!)

6. Making It Happen… Practical Tools to Use in Family Life (sign up for more!)

7. Final Reflection Question or Poll (sign up for more!)

8. Highlights of the November Issue

After twelve years of Confident Parents, Confident Kids, we have so many practical tips, strategies, and tools to share! So we are just getting started!

Hope you’ll join us! Sign up here to receive the free trial edition today!

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Posted on October 29, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

The Hauntings of Parents; Dealing with the Ghosts of Childhood’s Past

First, there was the angry specter who gave me a genuine jump scare. When my son was in the toddler and preschool years, little E lashed out with his hands when he was angry. He didn’t have the words in that moment of upset. I felt the ghost of my own young child being punished by an angry mother. And I surprised myself in becoming emotional when I knew that all my son needed was a calm mother to help him regulate his upset. That ghost shook me to the core and pushed me to reflect on how I might confront it. And it raised the question, “what other ghosts lay in wait until just the moment when I’m least expecting them to jump out and scare me?” And if they do jump out, I wondered, how will I respond in ways that do not hurt my relationship with my family? How do I respond in ways that model for my child healthy and courageous ways to respond to ghosts? And lay in wait they did. Ghosts are incredibly patient.

In the early school age years, E would come home with painful stories. He got teased and criticized for missing a ball during a game or he got pushed by a classmate who simply didn’t like him. This is where the unbounded-empathy ghost scared me. Experiencing my son’s pain felt unbearable. And the unbounded-empathy ghost haunted me repeatedly making me feel helpless and aching. How can I respond to this? My son needs me. And I felt compelled to protect him. All I wanted to do was rip him out of school and tell the parents of the children who hurt him exactly what their children had done. Of course, I knew this response was utterly unreasonable. So I had to seek out healthy ways to respond.

As the years went on, I took on more and more of the family burdens and responsibilities until one day, the burnout ghost appeared as if out of nowhere. Though she’d been hanging around for some time, I finally noticed her presence. I had been telling myself the story that I was strong. That I was desperately needed by everyone for pretty much everything. That I was the only one who could do it all – all the chores, all the parenting, all the things. And my partner was left asking: “where do I fit in to this equation? And where does our son fit?” The burnout ghost is an insidious one because she creeps around but rarely shows her face. You may shiver when you feel her but because of the nature of this ghost, you press on ignoring the chill in the air. Yet, she uses her power by spreading the fog of shame and not-enough-ness to keep you working and beat you down. When she does show, though, and you can see her clearly. You notice that she’s out for destruction and particularly for destroying trusting, confident, and loving relationships – one’s in which each person owns their own responsibilities that contribute to their own well-being and to the whole family.

There have been and continue to be many more ghosts that show up through parenthood; far too many to name. And you may experience very different ones than these mentioned depending on how you were brought up in your own childhood. Others may experience the slave-to-social-expectations ghost, particularly brutal and potentially, psychologically damaging. There’s also the achievement-at-all-costs, the there’s-no-crying-in-parenting or the never-good-enough-parent ghosts. Not to mention, the not-seen-or-valued ghost and the victim (everyone-else-is-to-blame) ghosts. Whichever ghosts you encounter, they are utterly personal and designed to scare you into either submission, a.k.a repeat the patterns of the past, or growth.

These ghosts are NOT your parents, teachers, or former caregivers. They represent the residual reactions and feelings you experienced throughout your childhood that often came from caregivers’ decisions, words, and actions. And though they lack substance in this time, in this space, they know exactly how to genuinely frighten. When they well up in you – on top of an already busy, heart-invested life – they can take you over and truly make you question yourself in fundamental ways…particularly when you react to them quickly and impulsively out of fear and protection.

This time of year, we have many opportunities to fill ourselves up with courage and capability. If we choose authenticity (looking directly at those ghosts) and growth (confronting them) as the way in which we’ll respond, we’ll need to face the darkness knowing that although those apparitions lay in wait for our moment of vulnerability, we’ve prepared. And we can! After all, they do not represent reality, only thin air. If we spend time reflecting, if we know exactly how we will show up differently, we can and will be ready. Here’s how a neurobiologist and psychiatrist explains this phenomenon:

Experiences that are not fully processed may create unresolved and leftover issues that influence how we react to our children…When this happens, our responses toward our children often take the form of strong emotional reactions, impulsive behaviors, distortions in our perceptions and sensations in our bodies. These intense states of mind impair our ability to think clearly and remain flexible and affect our interactions and relationships with our children (Siegel & Hartzell, 2003).

Readying yourself for your ghosts can be one of the most powerful proactive steps you can take to bring your best to your parenting and raise confident kids and teens. So when you have a quiet time and space, use the following exercise with your journal in hand.

Reflect on the following questions. Be sure and write out your answers (writing by hand connects the emotions to the cognitive parts of the brain and typing does not connect those two as well so I recommend writing by hand.). This will work better for you if you spend some time getting still and coming from your place of higher wisdom. So before you begin writing…

Sit in Stillness… set a timer for two minutes of stillness. Sit comfortably upright. Close your eyes or lower your gaze. You can focus on your breath. Or you can send gratitude to your heart. This will prepare you for bringing your highest wisdom to your journaling.

1. Ultimately what do I want for my child (children) or teen (teens)?

2. What are my deepest values that I want to teach, communicate, and pass on to my children/teens?

3. Do I have feelings of upset, anger or fear that rise up stronger, bigger, and more intensely than the circumstance merits? Do I have strong reactions that surprise myself? Do I regret reactions? When do any of these happen? These are an indicator of ghosts. What is happening with my child or teen at those times? Or what circumstances, people, or events press my most vulnerable buttons in my role as a parent?

3. What actions do I typically take when those buttons are pushed? What words do I use? What tone of voice do I use? What is my body positioning communicating?

4. Do those words and actions align with my deepest values for my life and my role as a parent? Do they align with what I want to teach my child? In other words, since we know our children learn the most from modeling, if my child repeated my words or actions in public, would I be glad and proud, or ashamed or angry? If the latter is the case, then what words and actions would I feel proud of?

5. Consider those current child or teen behaviors that I’m challenged by in the context of my own childhood. Do I exhibit those behaviors? If so, how did my parents or caregivers react? How did I feel in those moments? Are those same feelings showing up for me now?

6. What did my parents/caregivers feel strongly about? What did I get into trouble for? Or what did my caregivers worry about? How does that relate to how I feel about my children in similar circumstances?

7. Are my reactions similar to how my parents reacted to me? Or are my reactions similar to how I felt or reacted when I was scolded or my parents’/caregivers’ upset me? Am I tempted to repeat actions my parents or caregivers chose? Or am I tempted to react in the opposite way – reacting to a parent’s or caregiver’s choices?

8. If I have discovered through my reflections that my words and actions do not align with my deepest values and have uncovered childhood wounds, how can I first address those hurts? Do I need to learn more? Do I need to accept my hurt or shame? Can I work to better understand my parent’s perspectives and their challenges?

If you feel anger, spend some time journaling about that feeling and its origins recognizing that your anger is valid and that you must take care of your own feelings first. How can you soften to become compassionate for yourself? Is it possible to find greater understanding for your caregivers and their circumstances, lack of knowledge, and lack of support they were navigating?

Then recognize that the feelings from their origins do not apply in this time and space now. The context, the people, the world — everything is different. So there is a chance to heal the past by focusing on the present and how you can make new, healthier choices.

9. What would be the healthiest choice to make when I reencounter this ghost? How can I help myself make that choice? Do I need time and space to move away in order to calm down first? Do I need reminders of what I plan to do? Do I need to communicate my plan to a partner or friend for accountability?

Write your plan down in your journal. Revisit when you need to so that you are ready.

Be aware that sometimes these ghosts are too much to try and navigate without support. Sometimes the wisest, bravest decision you can make is finding a counselor or therapist who will offer you that necessary support to be able to face into those button-pushing moments and the fears behind them.

Consider the ghost that haunts you frequently and how you feel about your common reaction. Is it guilt, shame, anger, frustration? Now imagine using the plan you’ve just created – and professional support if needed – to bring your highest self to those very moments. Whether that requires you to leave the space, to go inside yourself and breathe, to insist on a pause, and then to respond by affirming feelings, you will feel a sense of empowerment and agency beyond compare. And you’ll never look back. Because you’ve called this ghost on their tricks and just like that, you’ve removed their power over you.

This work is foundational to changing the path for this generation. When we do our deeper work as parents, we feel competent and capable. We fear the ghosts less with our plan for healthy responses at the ready. Even in our busy lives, we are able to channel our deepest values through our reactions to the ghosts when we invest in reflective action and heart-led courage.

May this Halloween bring your family joy, courage, connection, and well-being as you face the darkness together.

Reference:

Siegel, D. & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out, How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. NY: Penguin Group.

For Other Halloween Articles and Ideas, check out:

The Best of Confident Parents’ Halloween Posts

Our first edition of the Confident Parents and Caregivers Newsletter for School Communities goes out tomorrow!

Don’t forget to sign up for our trial first month free! Sign up here…

I want to receive the first Newsletter free!

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Posted on October 25, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Sign Up Free by Wednesday, October 30th…

Don’t miss our Inaugural Edition of the Confident Parents and Caregivers Newsletter!

Educators, Family Support Specialists, School and District Staff,

Our first issue will go out to those who have signed up free by Wednesday, October 3oth. Our theme is how parents and caregivers can support and inspire hard work, motivation, and persistence at home. There’s no obligation to sign up for the first trial issue and we will not take your credit card! We hope to become an important source of support and reliable guidance for your parents and caregivers as they partner with you to support their children’s learning!

Through it, parents and caregivers will learn more about:

how they can better understand and support their children’s development at each age and stage;
how they can support learning at home;
how they can manage their toughest family challenges including homework routines and managing technology in healthy ways; and
how they can connect to and with you as partners in supporting their children’s learning.

Each newsletter will be:

Easily accessible – All content will be written for a wide and busy audience at an eighth grade reading level.
Research-aligned – Just as Confident Parents, Confident Kids has always been committed to sharing research-based tips and strategies, this newsletter will also align with solid research.
Practical and Relevant – Because all content is written by an expert parent educator who works daily with a diverse range of families, it’s well-informed by the day-to-day practical challenges and opportunities caregivers face.
Culturally-adaptive and Inclusive – All language will be inclusive. There will be no use of education buzz terms or divisive language. A Spanish edition is available.
Two-way Communication – The newsletter will offer polls and reflective questions. Responses will be shared back with the school community. And ways parents/caregivers can proactively partner will also be shared.

And you’ll receive an annual bonus educator newsletter to learn more about the strategies and tips your partner parents and caregivers are learning.

Check out Confident Parents and Caregivers School Newsletter page to learn more!

Questions? Feel free to get in touch with Jennifer Miller at confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com.

Sign up today!

Sign up here…

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Posted on October 24, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Schools, Districts, Family Engagement Specialists… This One’s for You!

Introducing… The New Confident Parents and Caregivers Newsletter Designed for School Communities!

You’ve asked! And we’ve listened (and worked really hard to bring this to life!).

After many teachers, school principals, district superintendents, Family Engagement Specialists and more have asked: “how can we offer this research-aligned content to our school community families?,” we’ve created the Confident Parents and Caregivers School Newsletter, a communication vehicle for parents and caregivers created by expert parent educators that offers practical knowledge, strategies, and support.

Through it, parents and caregivers will learn more about:

how they can better understand and support their children’s development at each age and stage;
how they can support learning at home;
how they can manage their toughest family challenges including homework routines and managing technology in healthy ways; and
how they can connect to and with you as partners in supporting their children’s learning.

Each newsletter will be:

Easily accessible – All content will be written for a wide and busy audience at an eighth grade reading level.
Research-aligned – Just as Confident Parents, Confident Kids has always been committed to sharing research-based tips and strategies, this newsletter will also align with solid research.
Practical and Relevant – Because all content is written by an expert parent educator who works daily with a diverse range of families, it’s well-informed by the day-to-day practical challenges and opportunities caregivers face.
Culturally-adaptive and Inclusive – All language will be inclusive. There will be no use of education buzz terms or divisive language. A Spanish edition is available.
Two-way Communication – The newsletter will offer polls and reflective questions. Responses will be shared back with the school community. And ways parents/caregivers can proactively partner will also be shared.

Parents/Caregivers Can Learn About Their Specific Child’s Development through Grade Level-Specific Tips

In Each Issue:

Did You Know? – Age/Stage Information
Supporting Learning at Home Tip of the Month
Focus on a Life Skill (such as, self management)
Learning to Use Technology in Healthy Ways Tip
Proactive Partnering with Teachers Tip
Putting Tips into Action: One Family Tool
Tell Us What You Think (Reflection Question or Poll)

2024-25 Monthly Themes:

Oct. – Motivation, Hard Work, and Persistence

Nov. – Supporting Learning at Home

Dec. – Dealing with Big Feelings

Jan. – A Fresh Look at Family Routines

Feb. – Promoting Executive Function Skills

Mar. – It’s All about Relationships – Friendship, Collaboration, Conflict, and Getting Along in Family Life

Apr. – We Read Together, We Learn Together

May – Reflecting on a Year of Learning

Aug. – Building Trust and Belonging from the Start

And a Bonus! Educator Newsletter

Plus, you’ll receive a once-a-school-year bonus educator newsletter to inform all educators about the kinds of tips and strategies parents and caregivers are learning to offer a common language and shared learning agenda.

In our first issue, we tackle motivation, hard work, and persistence and how to cultivate those at home. Try it for free by signing up for our free one month trial. Or check out our newsletter page to learn more!

Safe and Trustworthy Information

We know you take your roles as protectors of your school and district families very seriously. We commit to the following safety assurances so that you can feel comfortable about sharing this information with a broad, diverse range of families.

These include:

All content will be research-informed.
All content will use highly accessible language. No education buzz terms or divisive language will be used.
There will be instructions on how to opt out at any time if they do not want to participate.
They’ll receive assurances that their email address will only be used for the Confident Parents’ newsletter and never for any other purpose nor will it ever be shared or sold for any other purpose.
They will also be assured that the newsletter will never advertise consumer products or services to them but will solely contain helpful learning information and resources.

If you choose to subscribe monthly or annually for the parents/caregivers in your school community, you’ll receive a sample welcome note for those families that you can personalize. In it, it will include the opportunity to “opt in” if they want to receive the newsletter. They will submit their email address directly to sign up. We will track who from your school/district opts in and give you that list. We will only charge for the subscription level corresponding to the number of families who decide to join.

We are always looking for ways to support parents and families as school partners and as the cultivators of the fertile soil we need to grow our children healthy, confident, and resilient! We believe this will nurture your families and bridge the gap between home and school advancing your partnerships in important ways! We hope you’ll check out the new Confident Parents and Caregivers School Newsletter!

Learn more here!

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Posted on October 17, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

How to Promote Critical Thinking and Social Awareness Skills…

By Reading, Viewing, Questioning, and Discussing Together

By Guest Author Tracy Nemecek

A few summers ago, I taught a class at a local literary center that invited middle school students to take a closer look at diversity, representation, and inclusion in children’s literature. As an undergraduate double major in Psychology and English, I was excited about the opportunity to both teach and learn at the intersection of my academic interests. I found myself feeling energized as I prepared for the course, and later by the students’ interest in the topic. I also came to discover just how useful the information I was presenting in my class could be to me as a parent in my attempts to both model and promote a mindset of curiosity informed by critical thought.

Over the course of the weeklong class, we looked at a variety of children’s books from the 1940’s through the 2000’s and had many thoughtful conversations. The students became interested in looking at their own favorite childhood books to see how the content, characters, and illustrations stood up to the criteria we were using to analyze the stories we had been reading together.

Inspired by my students, I realized I wanted to reflect on a beloved story that I had read in elementary school. After the class came to an end, I talked about it with my daughter (who was in middle school at the time) and we both decided to read one of my favorite childhood books, Jennifer, Hecate, Macbeth, William McKinley, and me, Elizabeth by E. L. Konigsburg, a story about two tween girls who began their relationship around a shared interest in witchcraft and endured some strained dynamics and disagreements to ultimately become friends.¹

My daughter and I discussed the book using some of the criteria that I had taught to my students. The points of analysis that we used originate with The Council on Interracial Books for Children’s list of ways to analyze children’s books for racism and sexism.² Below are a few selections from the list, followed by suggestions for questions you might use as springboards for your own family conversations about books and other media.

Look for stereotypes, passive/active doers, and visibility/invisibility.

Who are the main characters? What characters are present but in the background? Why do you think the writer made those choices? Do you think the author is suggesting that what is true for one character is true for everyone? Which characters are driving the action or change in the story? How does this look like/look different from our community? Who do you feel is missing from the story?

Check the power dynamics across relationships and look at the storyline for messages about who is in charge.

Is one character making many/most of the decisions? How did they get to be in charge? What do you think about the kind of leader they are? Why do you think others are willing to follow this leader? Who else could be in charge? How might such a change impact the outcome of the story?

Consider the potential impact of the story on childrens’ self- and social identities. Is there an opportunity for identification with an array of characters and traits?

What kinds of messages is this story sending about how people should be and act? Do you agree with those messages? What are the standards for beauty, strength, and intelligence? What might it mean for characters who don’t meet those standards? How do you feel about that?

As my daughter and I read and talked together, we engaged with the points and questions in the following ways:

The story was published in 1967. The two central characters are a black girl (Jennifer) and a white girl (Elizabeth) attending fifth grade in New York state. Jennifer’s racial identity is visible in the illustrations (which are in black and white) but is only mentioned in the text once, and in a small way you could easily miss. My daughter and I talked about visibility/invisibility and what kind of impact a more straightforward focus on the friends’ racial differences might have made on the story overall. We wondered what it might have been like for Jennifer to be the only black student in the school, particularly as the book was published in the midst of the American civil rights movement.
Jennifer presents herself as a witch when she first meets Elizabeth, and Elizabeth becomes Jennifer’s apprentice in the ways of witchcraft as their relationship develops. This involves the creation of rules and demands that Elizabeth must follow as a part of her “training”, and as a result, Jennifer is portrayed as the one who is more in control of the relationship. As we considered the power dynamics between Jennifer and Elizabeth, we talked about the potential reasons that could explain why Elizabeth was willing to accept Jennifer’s controlling requests, and how a longing for connection might make a person change their standards for respect of self and others.
The girls’ interactions take place primarily at the local library and the neighborhood park. Jennifer and Elizabeth do not acknowledge each other while at school. As my daughter and I considered the potential impact of the story on readers’ self- and social identities, we were curious about the role that their racial differences might have played in their choice to keep their friendship separate from their school life.

Inspired by our discussion of this book, we have been able to expand our focus to include other books, as well as shows and movies, and reflect on their messaging from a similar point of view. We have talked about the absence of recurring characters from a variety of racial backgrounds on “Friends,” and the insensitivity of including characters of diverse body types and gender and sexual identities primarily for the purposes of setting up running jokes.³ We had a conversation about a warning that appeared on screen before the movie “Sixteen Candles” that appropriately acknowledges a cultural stereotype reflected in the film, and about the noticeable absence of any similar warning about the boundary violations and blatant disregard for the rights and safety of a female character who experiences loss of consciousness after alcohol use.⁴

In my conversations with both my students and my daughter, we reached the conclusion that we weren’t looking to walk away with two piles of books and other media, one labeled “good/right/okay to continue reading or watching” and the other labeled “bad/wrong/need to discontinue reading or watching”. Instead, we made it clear that we want to be active consumers of information and entertainment who think about how stories and characters align with and are distinct from our own worldviews.

Media selections need to present children with a diversity of perspectives, characters, backgrounds and settings in order to expand their exposure to the variety of traits, personalities, and cultures that comprise our world. However, media that reflects bias can be a powerful teaching tool, too. Books, shows, or movies with problematic representations can give children and the adults who care for them an opportunity to learn how to spot and talk about stereotypes, notice who is and isn’t featured, and think about how they might rewrite a storyline or make changes to an illustration. Ultimately, the decision to continue engaging with a particular book, show, or movie rests with each family, as some sources may not be the right teaching tools to use.

Giving children the power to apply critical thinking skills provides them with an alternative to mindlessly taking in information and believing it is true and accurate simply because it is available. This empowerment can come from and contribute to the strengthening of competencies such as:

Self-awareness: the awareness of values, examination of prejudices and biases, linking values to feelings.

Social awareness: taking others’ perspectives, identifying social norms, and systemic understanding.

Relationship skills: cultural competency, being an upstander.

Responsible decision-making: making informed and reasoned judgments, understanding the operation and application of critical thinking, promoting community well-being.⁵

The act of applying critical thinking to books and other media doesn’t simply involve offering criticism or deciding if something is right or wrong. Rather, it is a conscious intention to take a closer and more thoughtful look at what we are learning and how we are being entertained. Doing this can enable us to actively participate in creating a more balanced and accurate view of the world and our place in it.

References:

Konigsburg, E.L. (1967). Jennifer, Hecate, Macbeth, William McKinley, and me, Elizabeth. Atheneum Books.
The Council on Interracial Books for Children. (1980). 10 Quick Ways to Analyze Children’s Books for Racism and Sexism. [Brochure]. The Council on Interracial Books for Children.
Bright, K.S., Kauffman, M., & Crane, D. (Producers). (1994–2004). Friends. [Television series]. Bright/Kauffman/Crane Productions and Warner Bros.
Green, H.A. (Producer) & Hughes, J. (Director). (1984). Sixteen Candles [Film]. United States: Universal Pictures.
What is the CASEL framework? – CASEL. (2023, March 3). CASEL. https://casel.org/fundamentals-of-sel/what-is-the-casel-framework/#responsible

Tracy Nemecek is a parent to two daughters, ages 19 and 16. She is also a licensed mental health counselor in private practice in Rochester, NY and an SEL educator who works with both children and adults in a variety of school and community settings.

Learn more at https://intentionalliving-counseling.com.

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Posted on October 10, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

The Power of the Read Aloud: An Opportunity for Empathy-building, Processing, and Bonding

By Guest Author Betty Weir

“Children fall in love with books because of the memories created when they snuggle up and read with someone they love.” – Raising Readers

I have been reading aloud to my three children (now ages 9, 9, and 5) on a nightly basis since the day they were born. When I began this routine, I was motivated by creating a nightly ritual that signaled bedtime, as well as bringing back stories like Goodnight Moon and The Very Hungry Caterpillar from my own childhood. There was something soothing about reading the books my mother had read aloud to me to my own children.

As my boys have grown, the bedtime books have evolved. There are now chapter books integrated into the mix. Sometimes one of the older boys reads to himself as I read aloud to the other. And just as the books have shifted and changed with time, so has the actual bedtime routine. In our household, a parent rarely escapes the child’s bed until that child is sound asleep. This phase, which has been going on for four years now, has had some tense moments. There is still an occasional night when I find them begging for “one more book!” or “one more chapter!” coming close to putting me over the edge.

But recently, I had a revelation: the time I spend reading aloud to my three sons is my favorite, most quality parenting time with them. It is the time I look forward to the most. I feel connected with them as we experience the joys that accompany storytelling.

As I reflected as to why these moments are so meaningful to our family, here is what I came up with:

Reading Aloud Presents Opportunities To Teach Empathy

By selecting stories with characters who have different cultures, families, homes, experiences, etc. than ourselves, we gain valuable opportunities to teach our children perspective taking and empathy. This is especially important for children from dominant cultural groups. I am a straight, White, female raising three White boys. I see it as my responsibility to share stories with my children that provide them with a window into someone else’s world. Rudine Sims Bishop first wrote about the concept of using literature as a “window” in 1990. She observed, “[Children from dominant social groups] need books that will help them understand the multicultural nature of the world they live in, and their place as a member of just one group, as well as their connections to all other humans.”

When I read The Youngest Marcher: The Story of Audrey Faye Hendricks, A Youth Civil Rights Activist by Cynthia Levinson to my twins when they were six years old, they had a lot of questions. The story opened the “window” into young Audrey’s experience and perspective. My children were introduced to the concept of racial segregation and inequity through a story told in the perspective of a young, Black girl.

I have also turned to picture books when my children have an experience that brings up questions. Sometimes I don’t feel like I have the words to address their questions in the moment. A picture book can provide content that allows children to discover information about human differences. For example, once we were swimming at a pool where a child with patches of different skin colors, known as vitiligo, was also playing. My children were curious, and wanted to know more about the appearance of the child’s skin. These questions tend to make us uncomfortable as adults, yet they are coming from a place of curiosity that can lead to a teachable moment. While I did not feel I had a good response for my children the moment they asked the question, I was able to find the book Skin Like Mine by Latashia M Perry. I used the content of the book to open a conversation about skin color and helped my children make the connection to the child they had seen at the pool.

How do I do this?

Find picture books or novels with characters with different backgrounds, races, family structures, cultures, religions, etc. than your child.
Read the book aloud to your child. Pause to ask if your child has questions about the story several times throughout.
Invite your child to reflect on how the characters in the story are feeling.
Provide space for your child to be curious and make sense of the story.

Reading Aloud Helps Open Up Conversations About Real-Life Challenges Children Are Facing

“Literature transforms human experience and reflects it back to us, and in that reflection we can see our own lives and experiences as part of the larger human experience. Reading, then, becomes a means of self-affirmation.” (Bishop, 1990).

Just as literature can serve as a window into someone else’s experience, it can also be a mirror into one’s own inner world. When my mother-in-law was diagnosed with cancer, she went from being a caretaker central to my children’s lives to fighting for her own life and needing our family’s care. During this tumultuous time, I looked to children’s books to help me with getting my children to open up about how they were feeling and to show them that they were not alone in being faced with their grandparent’s mortality.

I found the book, Big Tree Is Sick by Nathalie Slosse to take on the topic of cancer. When their grandma went into hospice care, we read Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs by Tomie diPaola and The Memory Box: A Book About Grief by Joanna Rowland. These especially helped my four year old with making sense of the abstract concept of death.

There are so many wonderful picture books and novels that take on difficult topics that we face in our lives. If you need help finding a title that connects to a particular challenge your family is facing, your local librarian is a great place to start.

How do I do this?

Identify a challenge your child or family is facing.
Use the Internet or better yet, a local librarian, to find a book that your child can relate to.
Read the book with your child.
Pause to ask questions:
1. “How do you think _______ is feeling? How can you tell?”
2. “Have you ever felt like [the character] before? What was that like for you?”

Reading Aloud Provides A Still, Mindful Time to Bond with Children

My sons are always on the move and it is often difficult to find a time when they are still enough to have a conversation that lasts more than 30 seconds. When a book is opened and a story begins, I can feel my children settle and calm. They focus on the story, the pictures, the words. They ask questions:

“Where is that mouse?!”

“What does [that word] mean?”

“Are the Greek gods real?”

The mouse from Goodnight Moon, the Snuggle Puppy song, and The Little Blue Truck stories will always bring me back to sitting in the blue recliner rocking chair with a one year on my lap old filling in words I left out in the story (because we read the story so many times, they memorized it!). The bonds between parent and child that can be built during this special time are incredible.

How do I do this?

Identify a picture book or novel you love that you think your child will love, too.
Set aside time to read together for 10-15 minutes each day.
Let your child know how much you look forward to that time together and how special it is to you.

So, why read aloud with your child? It’s more than just the benefits of literacy learning. It creates special moments and deepens your bond with your child. It can help a child make sense of complex challenges they are faced with, as well as expose them to new perspectives.

It is memorable.

It is magical.

References:

Bishop, R. S. (1990). Mirrors, windows, and sliding glass doors. Perspectives: Choosing and Using Books for the Classroom, 6(3). The Ohio State University.

Betty Weir is currently the Director of Professional Learning at a K-8 district in Illinois. She has been a school principal and a middle school language arts teacher, as well. Much of her educational experience has centered around literacy and SEL education for children. She is an active parent with her own three sons and has daily opportunities to learn, grow, and repair with her children.

Part Two Next Week!

Next week, we take these ideas and further the discussion with guest author Tracy Nemecek’s ideas on how, through dialogue around reading and media consumption, we can build both social awareness and critical thinking skills.

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Posted on October 3, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Parents Supporting One Another in Raising Bilingual Children

By Lorea Martinez, Ph.D.

I moved to the United States from Spain seventeen years ago. I still remember the challenges of navigating a new social and cultural context as an English learner and a newly arrived immigrant. It took me years to find my voice and become the person I wanted to be. Mostly, this happened when I realized that I didn’t need to “fit in” or change myself, but I couldn’t ignore my immediate context either. By learning to merge the two, I found a new way of being.

During challenging times, I occasionally met a person who spoke Spanish, a “Hispanic,” as it is known in the U.S. Those were moments of joy. Being able to use my mother tongue, and connect with someone who shared similar struggles, gave me hope and strength. Having spent time in Nicaragua and Peru during my college years, I understood their hopes and dreams, and also their fears. But as a white person, I also knew that the experiences of Latinxs were impacted by the color of their skin.

My first child was born a decade ago. When I held her for the first time, the words that came out of my mouth were:

“Hola cariño” (hello sweetie!)

During the pregnancy, I had been considering which language I should use to communicate with her. But when we first made eye contact, these words came naturally to me without thinking.

I grew up in Catalunya, a region in Spain where the common language is Catalan, but my parents immigrated there from the Northwest side of the country and we spoke Spanish at home. Growing up bilingual had many advantages, as I could easily switch from one language to the other without effort, and I developed a love for languages.

However, during my childhood, kids were very aware of which language you spoke at home and which one you decided to use to communicate with others. You could feel included or excluded in different settings based on your home language. As a small child, I interpreted that speaking fluent Catalan was key to being seen as a local and not a foreigner.

As I held this newborn and the first Spanish words were shared, I knew that it was important for her to speak the language of her mother and grandparents, and develop an appreciation for her heritage. Even if this meant that, at times, she would be seen as different because she spoke a different language.

Today, we know the many benefits of being bilingual. Compared to non-bilingual peers, bilingual students have an easier time understanding math concepts and solving word problems; developing strong thinking skills; using logic, focusing, remembering, and making decisions; thinking about language; and learning other languages.

At the same time, we know that being bilingual supports children in maintaining strong ties with their family, culture, and community. It is important for children to build pride in their heritage, as it encourages the development of a healthy identity, strengthens a positive self-image and provides protection against bias and discrimination.

Despite these benefits, many bilingual or multilingual students in the U.S., particularly our Indigenous, Asian, Hispanic, and Latinx communities, attend schools that don’t consider these students’ language practices in the educational program which lead to students internalizing harmful messages about themselves. Instead of celebrating this strength, many students hide the fact that they speak more than one language, so they can be seen as normal.

As parents, we have an important role to play in creating caring and inclusive homes and communities, and planting the seeds to reduce discrimination. We can help normalize that children and parents in our communities may speak more than one language, and embrace this fact as a gift.

If you have bilingual and/or multilingual children in your community, you can support them by:

teaching your own children to appreciate diversity;
questioning any racial and ethnic stereotypes;
encouraging your children in getting to know children from other races and cultures and their languages better; and
becoming their allies in schools, faith-based organizations and the larger community as a family so your children will learn from your modeling.

This support can help create new bonds, strengthen relationships, and develop new friendships in our communities.

Check out Lorea’s book both in Spanish and in English:

Pedagogía con corazón

Teaching with the Heart in Mind

Resources:

US Department of Education. The Benefits of Being Bilingual – A Review for Teachers and Other Early Education Program Providers.

España, C. and Herrera., Y.L. (2020). En Comunidad: Lessons for Centering the Voices and Experiences of Bilingual Latinx Students. Portsmouth, NH: Heinemann.

Confident Parents, Confident Kids Parenting Tools in Spanish

We are celebrating Hispanic Heritage month. Here are some events and ways you can recognize the month.

Dr. Lorea Martínez is the award-winning founder of HEART in Mind Consulting, a company dedicated to helping schools and organizations integrate Social Emotional Learning in their practices, products, and learning communities. An educator who has worked with children and adults internationally, Dr. Martínez is a faculty member at Columbia University Teachers College, educating aspiring principals in Emotional Intelligence. Her second book for educators, Teaching with the HEART in Mind, is currently available. Previously, she was a special education teacher and administrator. Originally from Costta Brava, Spain and now in San Francisco, CA, Lorea is a mother to two daughters. Learn more at loreamartinez.com

Originally published Sept. 29, 2022.

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Posted on September 24, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

A NEW Tool for Parents in Managing Educational Tech Platforms — and the Anxiety that Can Go With Them

Don’t Miss This District-Approved Tool for Parents

By Guest Author Erin Lillie-McMains

Educational platforms that offer rapid feedback and a way to track your child’s progress on tests, quizzes, and assignments are part of the landscape at most schools. When parents start interacting with these platforms, their natural first line of questions often centers around what I would call, the “nuts and bolts.” “How do I set up the account? How do I access the data I desire?” After a couple months however, most parents start to ask questions such as, “How often should I check the platform?”, “Is it good for my child to feel like I’m watching his every move?”, and “How do I keep my anxiety over a missing assignment in check so I don’t cause a spike in anxiety in my child?”

This past Spring, I wrote an article calling on schools and parents to consider how to establish healthy tech boundaries when using rapid feedback educational platforms. This flier and infographic is a follow up to that article. It is simply a list of tips and guiding questions for parents to think about as they start interacting with educational platforms. It might be useful as a hand out at a Curriculum or Back-to-School Night for 6th grade parents, who are just starting to interact with these platforms. It could also be included with other technology forms and agreements that get sent out at the beginning of the school year. There are several potential uses and of course, I encourage schools to modify and customize the flier in order to meet the specific needs of parents in their community.

Here it is:

Confident Parents, Confident Kids is so grateful to Erin Lillie-McMains for her time, expertise, creativity, and initiative in following up on her article which elevated an important school problem to create a tool that can help solve it! Fantastic! We celebrate you!

Erin Lillie-McMains is an L.C.S.W. and middle school social worker in the greater Chicagoland area. She has worked with adolescents for twenty-four years and helped a school based team implement Social Emotional Learning curricula. Most importantly, she is a parent of two high schoolers and one middle schooler.

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Posted on September 19, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

International Day of Peace; Cultivating Peace at Home

As a little girl, I often sang the lyrics, “let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me.” I sang with gusto but did not ever reflect on what that meant. Is peace merely the opposite of war? As a change-maker in my adult years, I’ve spent years reflecting on related questions — how do you create peace? — peace of mind, peace of heart, peace in the world? When I took the helm as director of the Center for Peace Education, it became a mission for me. The idea of peace transformed from a condition and a setting to a learned set of skills that anyone and everyone can be engaged in practicing.

This weekend, the United Nations declares Saturday the International Day of Peace. They define peace as “not only is it the absence of conflict, but also (peace) requires a positive, dynamic participatory process where dialogue is encouraged and conflicts are solved in a spirit of mutual understanding and cooperation.” It’s not enough to just get along. But instead as individuals, as organizations, as countries, we must learn to grow our collaborative relationships actively and continually.

Yet, I do believe it begins with me in my relationships and so this is a chance to examine once again how peace is beginning with me. And again, the proving ground it seems is home – and family life. With those we love and count on daily, we have the chance to practice over and again the hardest, most challenging skills. These skills have two layers — our own practices and how we teach our children — and they remain inextricably linked, interdependent. These may include:

returning to a centered, focused, grounded place in your body, heart, and spirit;
dealing with darker emotions constructively;
solving problems collaboratively with loved ones;
learning from differences in opinions;
working through disagreements in healthy ways;
taking ownership of one’s own roles and feelings in a problem;
seeking empathy and understanding for another’s pain or role in a conflict;
holding paradox with grace and patience such as, my emotional needs may conflict with your needs;
repairing harm when we are the cause of hurt or harm;
clearing the air directly with the individual in conflict versus avoiding or circumventing by going to others;
seeking and offering forgiveness; and
restoring trust and deepening connection.

Though peace involves skills, it can also be helped along with the right conditions. Playing soothing music in your home sets a tone of calm. Burning candles or using a diffuser with essential oils engages your senses and can lead to feelings of comfort and safety. Opening windows, bringing the fresh air in, and listening to the sounds of nature and humanity outside can offer calm (or not, if you are in the city like I am! :). Consider the conditions of your living space and how they might be more conducive to creating calm.

Through the years, Confident Parents, Confident Kids’ has published a number of articles and tools for parents around this topic of dealing with conflict in healthy and growth-filled ways (much more than are listed below!). Creating peace in family life requires the active exercising of a full range of social and emotional skills — those same skills that will nourish our child and teen’s thriving today and for their future. So I cannot imagine a more important mission in family life than to practice peace.

Check out the following curated articles and tools that may offer specific support for whatever you most need to work on in your family.

Whole Family Conflict:

Fighting Fairly Family Pledge

Developing Family Guidelines for Fighting Fairly

Teaching Children Healthy Ways to Manage Conflict:

Peace Rose

Using the Family Peace Rose to Resolve Conflicts

Promoting Sibling Kindness for All Ages

Promoting Sibling Kindness For All Ages

Stop, Think, Go! Practicing Problem-Solving for Your Family

Stop, Think, Go! Problem-Solving Practice for Your Family

Open-Hearted Dialogue; Tackling Difficult Topics While Making Meaning Together

Open-Hearted Dialogue; Tackling Difficult Topics While Making Meaning Together

Power Dynamics and Conflict

Lessons from Aikido; Managing Power Struggles with Skill

Parenting Lessons from Aikido: Managing Power Struggles with Skill

Nonviolence as a Lever of Change…Learning from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Nonviolence as a Lever of Change…Learning from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Parents, Kids and Bullying Behaviors — What Can We Do?

Parents, Kids and Bullying Behaviors – What Can We Do?

Parent-Child Conflict

The Conflict Code

The Conflict Code

Groundhog’s Day with Parent-Child Battles

Groundhog’s Day with Parent-Child Battles

Dealing with Big Feelings

Do You Have an Emotional Safety Plan?

Do You Have an Emotional Safety Plan?

Forgiveness

Teaching your Child or Teen to Forgive

Teaching your Child or Teen to Forgive

Learn more about the United Nation’s International Day of Peace here.

May you discover ways in which to actively cultivate peace in yourself and your family.

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The Hauntings of Parents; Dealing with the Ghosts of Childhood’s Past

Our first edition of the Confident Parents and Caregivers Newsletter for School Communities goes out tomorrow!

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Don’t miss our Inaugural Edition of the Confident Parents and Caregivers Newsletter!

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