The buzz of back to school season is here. We are shopping, getting class schedules, and mentally and emotionally adjusting ourselves to the fact that the start of school is just around the corner. In my son’s school, we have a brand new Head of School. And we’ve asked each other the questions we are wondering about: what will she be like? What changes will she bring about? Will they be welcome additions? Will there be aspects we don’t like as much? A change in teachers, coaches, or advisors may excite and enervate parents and students alike anticipating starting back. 

This particular Head of School sent a note out to the entire school community introducing herself. In her note, she stated plainly that she planned to devote the whole first year to listening and learning about the school community before setting a vision or making sweeping changes. Immediately, I knew we were in good hands. Her intention and willingness to listen gave me a sense of calm and confidence that her leadership was going to make a positive difference. She wants to discover the strengths and goodness already present and build on it. But this is not the norm…

Listening is a highly underrated, under-discussed and attended to skill. And it is a skill — learnable, teachable, and practicable. In fact, in school, about six years is devoted to formal reading instruction though 16% of our lives is spent reading, 30% speaking, and 45% listening.¹ Research confirms that when students have learned something new, they lose one half to one third of that new knowledge within eight hours.² Imagine what happens in a classroom during a lesson – lectures, maybe small group discussions, directions or logistics communicated. These all require listening.

We might add to these conditions that listening is a naturally difficult task (and more so, if you add any neuro-diversity to the mix!). The fact is that we think much faster than we talk. So when we are listening, we think at a higher speed and that thinking can take us for a ride – around the block, around our to do list, around judgment of the speaker – none of which is actually contributing to our comprehending of what we are hearing. All that spare time for thinking can actually be used wisely to enhance our listening skills. But only if we are trained and practiced in doing so. We’ll get back to those practices in a minute. But first, why should listening be the focus in back to school time for families?

In addition to some of the obvious reasons that come to mind in understanding a teacher’s instructions or comprehending a lesson, there is a much more fundamental reason for a whole family, indeed a whole school community to focus on listening in the back to school season. And that is: belonging and connection. Our sense of safety, of caring, of trusting relationships begins with the small practice of listening. When someone focuses their attention on us, we feel seen, heard, and valued. We feel understood. And we feel we matter. Even if the other person disagrees with our opinions, they’re willingness to listen with an open mind and open heart offer us a generous space for being recognized as important, worthy of someone’s time and attention. Every student needs to feel that they are seen, heard and valued. And parents and caregivers too need that kind of acceptance in the school community as learning partners especially since they are unable to be present as much as students and staff are present.

Why not just focus on the basics? Why does a focus on belonging, on listening, on relationships matter so much? In fact, it is the core of learning — necessary — not icing on the cake. Bottom line, “no significant learning occurs without a significant relationship.” Thank you, Dr. James Comer, Professor of Child Psychiatry at Yale University. As we consider how all learning partners are involved in our children and teen’s success including staff, educators, administrators, parents, and students, a focus on listening helps us meet so many of our goals to build caring relationships and create the conditions necessary for our child’s success.

So how can we work on it? How can we focus on it? The topic seems so simple and so challenging all at once. Here are some tips to get us started.

Practice Now with Back to School Preparations.

We may engage in a number of activities preparing for school before we even enter the school building. Shopping for clothes and supplies may offer a start. At home, we’ll be organizing and labeling, closing up summer engagements (goodbye camp, swimming pool, or summer job!), and connecting with friends to seize final summer opportunities or meet with school friends to anticipate the start together. As these activities unfold, we’ll be talking about what’s to come. These moments offer us a chance to be intentional about our listening. How can we listen for our child or teen’s feelings that hid behind the words they are using? How can we reflect back what we are hearing so that are self aware as they move toward school? Are there stories of learning triumph or learning defeat or friendship success or friendship failure that are coming out? How can our ability to create an open space for acceptance and vulnerability help them build confidence for the year ahead?

Create Your Own Intentions for the Back to School Season.

It’s a short window of time – between 3-6 weeks – when we have this shimmering moment of opportunity to meet people and build caring relationships. If we bring our best, most present self to this brief timeframe, we might cultivate seeds that will grow throughout the entire school year. Teachers have a lot to communicate in these first weeks. We can listen for understanding, listen for clarity, and listen to show we deeply care about our children’s education. 

Cultivate an Open Heart and Open Mind. 

As adults, we listen for gaps, flaws, and problems to fix. We look for gotchas! This is not the kind of listening that is connecting. Our teachers want to know that we have “got their backs” at home. After all, that’s what partnership means. We support one another with the common mission of supporting our children’s learning. Because this state of mind does not come naturally, we have to set an intention. We have to be aware of our default settings that easily skip to judgment. So inner coaching is necessary. We can recite, “how can I bring an open mind and heart to our curriculum night knowing every person is there with the best intent to help our student’s learn?” Practice now by inviting your child to tell you about their hopes for the school year. Use your most open self to receive those hopes.

Use That Extra Thinking Space!

If people talk slower than we think, we have extra space to utilize in ways that are connecting. Use that time while you are listening to what is said to consider these key questions:

– what am I learning from the words?

– what am I learning from the body language including facial expressions?

– what feelings am I sensing?

– do I understand everything or do I need to ask for more details?

Before responding to a teacher, fellow parent, or your own child, take a moment of pause. Take a breath. Allow for space. Ask questions to further understand what they are communicating. Or reflect back to them what you’ve heard to make sure you are getting it right. “I heard you say that homework this year will involve lots of math practice.” We move so quickly. And we all realize that often we are not fully heard. Show you are taking in and processing all that is communicated to underscore the importance of the relationships you are building as your way of giving your best to the start of the school year.

Set Rules for your Own Self Management

The biggest rule we all need to consider for ourselves is: where will our phone be? How will we manage them? Will they be put away? Will notifications be turned off? This is a challenge for all of us and one of the biggest distractions from open-minded, open-hearted listening. But there may be other rules that might assist you too. What time a day will you fully focus on your child and their back to school reflections? How will you remind yourself of focusing and using your highest listening skills? How will you begin your day in ways that create calm and focus so that you can bring that centering to your interactions throughout the day?

Play Listening Games with your Family

We love Jenny Woo’s card games with powerful, funny, and connecting questions entitled 52 Essential Conversations because it offers the chance for a family member to share their deeper reflections and for other members to practice listening. Or you can simply ask big picture questions at dinnertime. Be sure and establish the ground rules for listening before you begin. Sometimes it’s fun with young children to show what bad listening looks like. As parents, we can play act and model what we don’t want so that our children can show us what good listening looks like. Here are a few helpful ground rules for your game:

– Listen with your whole heart and mind.

– Be sure you understand what’s being said.

– Look for what the speaker is feeling when they are talking.

– Before moving on, reflect back to them exactly what you heard.

– Then, reflect back to them the feelings you sensed and see if you are right.

-When responding, use “yes and…” to build on what was said.

Reflect with Your Children on the Opportunity of Listening

If nerves are welling up as you near the first day of school, listening can be just the right anecdote. After all, all students — and teachers too! — will be nervous on the first day. A new year signals lots of uncertainty. Coach your child that they have the key to making new friends! That key is listening well. Help your child consider what questions they might ask of others to make a connection. “What teacher do you have this year? What was your favorite subject last year? What’s your favorite part of the day?” And then, they give themselves the opportunity to fully listen. Seems simple but works magic! All of sudden, your child’s nerves go away as they focus on the other person. And the other person feels seen, heard, and valued. Magic! 

In a world where loneliness is an epidemic, true connection is possible. We can be agents of change in our own small ways by bringing our full focus in the back to school season. Our children notice. Not only do they notice, but they also mimic what we do sometimes and especially when we are not present. Imagine how a school year might unfold differently if each individual – teacher, parent and student – brought their open minded, open hearted selves to the school community. We have that opportunity now. May you plant the seeds of caring connection in your school community this season to grow throughout the school year!

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Check out the brand new school-family partnerships program through Confident Parents, Confident Kids entitled Listening Spaces, in which a small school team creates pathways for listening that contribute to whole school belonging and connection. Learn more!

References:

SpeakEasyInc. Hearing Vs. Listening. Retrieved on 8/7/24. 

Nichols, R. G., & Stevens, L.A. Listening to People. Harvard Business Review. Retrieved on 8/7/24.