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Posted on July 24, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Teaching Kids about their Inner Dragons; From Shaming Actions to Becoming Curious

By Anna Purpero

Just this afternoon, during an intense spaceship-building session, my sons readied their cardboard shields to defend against any Squishmallow villains brave enough to enter. It was one of those moments that made me pause my laundry-folding to enjoy their imaginative play— until it wasn’t. A disagreement escalated into Brother one launching said cardboard shield directly into Brother two’s forehead. Devastated to see how his impulse had hurt his best friend, Brother one looked at me wide-eyed: “My Dragon! My Dragon part!” When I rushed to console the injured one, the guilty brother ran upstairs. 

To some, the tension in the story may be that a culpable child is quick to shift blame to an imaginary Dragon instead of taking responsibility. But because of the self-awareness work we’ve done as a family, I saw something different: a child recognizing the part of him that lashes out when he feels unheard. Though it wasn’t enough to stop the harm, naming the anger behind the impulse is the first step toward accountability.  

Understanding Internal Family Systems

In 2022, I began working with a Certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist (visit the IFS Institute to learn more about this non-pathologizing model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz), and in our sessions, I began discovering “parts” of my mind, each with its own patterns, protective instincts, and deeply held beliefs. Some parts react impulsively to perceived threats, while others work behind the scenes to manage stress or avoid discomfort. 

For example, in reaction to the chaos of sibling rivalry, a part of me often defaults to angry lectures instead of responding with calm boundaries and guidance. Through IFS, I learned that that particular part has been trying to protect me from the overwhelm of chaos since childhood.  Approaching these reactive parts with curiosity and compassion creates space for healing and showing up differently for children.

At the core of IFS is the idea that listening to these inner protectors will slowly reveal who we are when they’re able to relax. What’s beneath is a truer, deeper Self that is not damaged or devious, but inherently good and divinely connected. It is calm, creative, and courageous, and even kids can begin learning to access it.

Meeting Our “Friends Inside”

As I learned to recognize and befriend my own parts, I began seeing everyone else through that lens, including kids, so I researched how IFS practitioners were working with children in therapy and school settings. When I introduced more lighthearted IFS language to my own kids, it was fascinating how quickly they could identify and describe their own developing parts, like the one desperate to be our family’s Uno Champion — pleasure to meet you, Mr. Rhino! 

Co-creating their “friends inside” became a lighthearted, connective way to explore emotions and navigate conflict. It even led me to write My Friends Inside, a picture book introducing a lively crew of inner protectors who sometimes get the protagonist into trouble. This lighthearted framework reminds children that every part of them deserves curiosity and compassion, and in the protagonist’s responses, he models the messages those friends inside may need to hear. 

Modeling Self-Awareness for Our Kids

Self-awareness is foundational for building emotional regulation, decision-making, and healthy relationships. Children develop these skills partly by watching the adults around them. When parents model their own work cultivating self-awareness in their emotional patterns, they normalize what it looks like to be fully human and take the shame out of overwhelming emotions.

For example, in those charged-up hours after school, I often feel my own frustration rising. Instead of snapping, I might say, 

“Whoa, I feel kind of hot, and my Volcano part really wants to yell. I wonder what’s going on? Maybe this is too much noise for me, so I’m going to go upstairs for two minutes and take some breaths. Be right back.” 

It usually gets their attention, but I know they prefer that to the lava explosion. This models self-awareness and normalizes the idea that emotions start in the body. Kids won’t always be able to control their impulses, but they can begin to recognize how emotions arise and approach their choices with curiosity. Over time, they build the ability to respond from a more regulated place.

Even though we won’t always get it right, every moment of self-awareness, every pause before reacting, and every time we replace shame with curiosity, we help a child build a foundation for lifelong emotional resilience.

Guiding Kids Toward Self-Reflection and Repair

Once my injured son settled down, I gave him an art project and headed upstairs to visit brother 1. He was playing with stuffed animals, evidence that he may have cooled down and be open to a conversation. 

IFS has given our family a framework to reflect on our choices with curiosity and compassion. Our creative and lighthearted response to the concepts of IFS, our Friends Inside, allows us to explore together what went wrong, and with the courage within, how to make it right. When guiding kids through self-reflection and repair, I might: 

  • Ask non-judgmental questions: What happened downstairs? What do you think Dragon was trying to say? What set him off?
  • Share a personal story about when my own Volcano Inside lost control and how I made things right afterward.  
  • Offer or brainstorm strategies to pause and notice their inner friend before reacting.  
  • Help them brainstorm a message for that inner friend—one that comes from their best and wisest Self.  
  • After offering empathy, set a clear boundary: If this happens again, or if it seems this is about to happen, here’s what I will do.
  • Above all, listen. When kids can share freely without our lectures or shut-downs, they often know exactly what happened and what to do next.  

The Power of Our Own Inner Work

Children deserve the best we have to give, but a lot gets in the way of us showing up as the sturdy and empathetic leader they need. Even though we won’t always get it right, every moment of self-awareness, every pause before reacting, and every time we replace shame with curiosity, we help a child build a foundation for lifelong emotional resilience.

May we have the courage to do our part. 

Check out Anna’s new picture book:

My Friends Inside

Resources

“Evolution of The Internal Family Systems Model” by Dr. Richard Schwartz, Ph. D. IFS Institute.

No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard C. Schwartz, Ph. D

Internal Family Systems Therapy with Children by Lisa Spiegel, MA, LMHC

Self-Led: Living a Connected Life with Yourself and With Others by Seth Kopald, PhD

Anna Purpero is an educator and children’s book author located in Columbus, OH with her partner, Jordan, and two sons (ages 4 and 6). She draws inspiration from her former high school Language Arts students and the teens from Paper City Mentoring Project, a nonprofit she cofounded and served as Executive Director. She is pursuing a certification in Social Emotional Learning from Fresno Pacific University and hopes to use experiential learning to help children develop self-awareness and emotional resilience. Her debut picture book, My Friends Inside, is available now! 

Social media, purchasing links, and free printables here:

http://linktr.ee/annapurpero

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Posted on July 17, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

No More Blame Game – How to Take and Teach Responsibility When You Disagree

“You said I could go out with friends. It’s your fault I didn’t have time to do my homework,” says Ava, your fifteen-year-old, with heat and sincerity after she received a zero on her homework assignment. Next, your partner chimes in, “yes, you did let her go out with her friends,” with a tone of scold in his voice. All of a sudden, you feel the pointer fingers from both directions. “It’s not my homework!” you think and your heat begins to rise with the injustice of it all. You’ve been caught in the blame game. But you don’t want to play. How do you get out of that discussion preserving your own dignity and honoring the truth of the situation without pointing fingers right back at your daughter and spouse? How do you open the door to each member taking responsibility for their role in the problem? And how do you remove the blame game from family conflicts to argue in fair ways?

“You always… you never… it’s because of you that…” are all kindling that add to the fire of upset. Though it’s easy to look outside of ourselves for a reason things are going wrong — for failing, or for messing things up — looking to others prevents us from looking within. Yet, it’s our first instinct to place blame outside of ourselves beginning in early childhood. At ages five and six, children are learning the rules of school and social behavior. That is a time when they begin to tattle on others who break the rules. Developmentally, this is how a five or six-year-old learns about what is right and wrong, by pointing out and enforcing rules in others first. They then begin to internalize those rules for themselves and can call upon that inner compass to direct them as they grow and face challenges. But we are capable of learning to take responsibility and inviting others to do the same without pointing fingers and placing blame. Our children are capable too. But it will require our modeling and intentional practice. And family life – rife with conflict – is the perfect place for them to learn it.

Learning healthy, constructive, assertive (non-aggressive) ways to talk about problems when there is a conflict is key. Marshall Rosenberg, author of multiple books on nonviolent communication, clinical psychologist and one of the world’s top thought leaders on nonviolent communication, suggests that we begin with observing others. He offers a four step process (I added a fifth) for communicating with empathy in a conflict so as not to do harm. Parents can model these steps and offer practice with their children. Below are the Miller/Rosenberg’s five steps with some of my family life and developmental adaptations. 

Consider your own defensive stance in a conflict. Read through these steps and feel the sensation of how you might experience each of these if you were approached on a controversial subject in this way. Does your heart stay open? Does your mind stay open? If so, this is how we keep our loved ones engaged in working together through the problem. Accuse, blame, criticize – and all systems – heart, mind, will – shut down. When facing a conflict with family members including children or teens…

  1. Pause

If you are in a conflict with a child or family member, you are likely upset, frustrated, or angry. You are likely feeling some heated emotion in which if you respond quickly, you’re more likely to blame, judge, or criticize. So stop. Put your hand on your heart. Breathe. Wait until you can feel your heart rate come down a little bit. When feeling ready to proceed with a grounded tone…

2. Observe and Share.

Though Rosenberg suggests observing first, as parents, we need to stop and take a pause in order to become intentional and not reactive. Then consider:

What do I observe – see, feel, experience – that is not contributing to my well-being or my child’s well-being?

If you are communicating with or to a child, you might say, 

“I observe that the choice to be out with friends did not allow you enough time to do homework and that is not contributing to your well-being.”

2. Articulate Feelings.

Next, share what you are observing of their heart in that moment. This creates an empathetic stance in which you are working to understand, accept, and normalize their feelings with the knowledge that all feelings are acceptable (it’s how we act on them that we may or may not be acceptable).

“You seem to be feeling frustrated and maybe unfairly judged by your teacher and unfairly guided by me. Is that right?”

This statement does not say you unfairly guided your daughter but only that she may feel unfairly guided her. It’s a subtle but important difference in your mindset as you approach her. Your only goal here is articulating feelings. Then, be sure to share your own and if your partner is involved, give him the space to share his too.

“I felt frustrated too that I tried to allow you the time you wanted with friends but had no idea how much work you had to accomplish.”

3. Articulate Needs.

After articulating feelings, highlight the needs that the feelings are calling to the fore. She’s frustrated because her needs aren’t getting met. Finding out what those needs or values are is key. And well-articulating them helps her put into words what she may not be fully aware of but feels deeply. So you might say,

“You feel frustrated because your time with friends is super important to you and not something you want to skip because you have a lot of homework.”

When articulating her needs, it’s not time to judge those needs. Needs are needs. You cannot change what she feels because of those unmet needs. So it might be easy to slip here and say something like, “but you know homework is the most important thing.” Don’t do it. We are keeping her open mind and heart in this conversation. Next, you’ll pivot toward her learning about responsible decision-making.

Your needs count in this scenario too — and your partner’s. So you might say,

“My need is to help you prioritize your time and get your needs met which includes valuable friend time and enough time to get homework accomplished.”

4. Make Requests and Consider Options.

Now it’s time to directly communicate your request, or the concrete actions you would like taken. In this example, she has already done some damage. So it’s time to repair harm. You might say,

“What can you do now to make this better with your teacher?” 

Spend a little time together problem-solving through how she might approach her teacher (email, in person?) and what she could ask for in order to make up the work she missed. Her teacher may say she has to live with the zero and that’s a tough but real consequence. It’s important to take the time to address the blaming that went on as well.

“Next time, how can we each take responsibility for our own feelings, needs and role in the situation without pointing fingers?”

And finally, be sure that you reflect on the bigger lesson of the situation — how your daughter prioritizes her time and makes responsible decisions.

“Your schooling is top priority. But we also know that time with friends is essential to your well-being. How could we have looked at both of those needs and found times for both over the course of the week instead of competing for the same afternoon?”

After reading this five-step process, you might reflect that this sounds like a lot of work. And in truth, communicating in assertive, nonviolent ways that preserve the dignity of each participant in a conflict does take work. But, like any habit, it gets easier with practice. And the reward is truly great. This is how you teach your child or teen to communicate in ways that do no harm and make responsible decisions. This is how you model communication that will help your child navigate conflict in any circumstance they find themselves in. 

Our habits in responding to conflict are first learned and rehearsed at home. So practicing these communication steps is an essential step in preparing your child for their relationships at school, in the community and will serve their well-being in their future lives. 

To learn more, check out:

Living Nonviolent Communication; Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD., 2012, Boulder, CO: Sounds True.

Originally published on CPCK on 2/6/25.

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Posted on July 3, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

What It Means to Live Democracy in Our Family Life

We are hustling this week to get my son’s suit pressed and ready. He’s headed to the State Capitol to propose new legislation in a mock state government experience. This year, he co-wrote a bill focused on the use of artificial intelligence in health care. Last year, his bill actually passed through the state legislature and is now on the books for Ohio schools. He is excited and motivated by this experience of leadership, coming together with students from schools around the state and thinking through the most significant and pressing issues of our time and how state government should play a role through policy. Last night at dinner, I asked, “do you feel like you understand the fundamentals of democracy?” I wondered too about my own role and responsibility as a parent and educator. “What do I need to be teaching and modeling with my family?”

Democracy is not just a professed value and coveted American ideal. It’s also a prescription set forth by the United Nations as a global core value and governmental structure that promotes “human rights, development, peace, and security.”1 The United Nations works globally with decolonized countries to help them become “self-determined” finding their agency as a country. The word democracy simply means “rule by the people.”2 But are we teaching our children enough about what a democracy is? And more importantly, are we teaching them how they can play a role in giving life to our democracy?

Schools play a key role but are too often blamed for causing our nation’s problems. There are numerous ways we can improve our civic and citizenship education in schools. But we all share responsibility. We, as families, also have an important role to play ourselves. An article in Ed Week sums up the identity crisis we are facing as a nation:

Civic knowledge is important. But the crisis we are facing is not fundamentally a knowledge problem. It is a soul problem. As John Dewey reminded us over a century ago, democracy is not merely a set of rules to be followed but rather a form of “associated living”—the embodiment of the commitment we make to build a world in relation with each other. 3

Surveys have shown that youth ages 12 to 17 are hopeful about their future but pessimistic about the state of the country and disengaged with classroom instruction that does not acknowledge a world on fire.4 And in fact, there’s strong unity among parents from across political views and parties with 83% of parents surveyed believing that the federal government should prioritize policies that benefit young people. Yet, 61% of parents across parties believe their voice does not matter in policy decisions.5

So what are the ways in which we can teach the fundamentals of democracy at home? And how can that help us not only feel a sense of agency but also, raise our voices in policy decision-making? First, understanding the core principles and virtues of democracy helps us live them.

The following are from The Bill of Rights Institute.

Core Principles of Democracy:

  • Natural Rights – Rights that belong to humans by nature and can only be justly taken away through due process (following established legal procedures and respecting fundamental rights) such as, life, liberty, and property.
  • Liberty – The agency to think and act without restraint except for laws of nature or interfering with someone else’s rights.
  • Consent – The power of government comes from the people with free and fair elections accessible by all age-eligible citizens.
  • Freedom – The Bill of Rights protects citizens’ rights including freedom of religion, private property, and speech.
  • Justice – A political system that protects the rights of all equally and treats everyone equally under the law.
  • Equality – All individuals have the same claim as humans to natural rights and treatment under the law.

Virtues of Democracy:

  • Courage – To stand firm and take constructive action as a person of character and do what is right, especially when it is unpopular or puts a person at risk. 
  • Justice – Upholding the dignity of all and respecting what is fair and right. 
  • Respect – Defending equal rights and the inherent dignity of all human beings.
  • Responsibility – Acting on fair and sound judgment to preserve the liberty and dignity of self and others even when it is unpopular or puts a person at risk. Taking care of self, family, community and fellow citizens to preserve a civil society.

These are high ideals that we strive for in our schools, communities, courts, and nation.  Perhaps one of the hardest aspects of these principles is the fact that if the government is going to represent all people then all people need to participate. Here are a few ways in which we can begin to live democracy with our families to enact the principles in our own lives.

Listen with Curiosity and Preserve Dignity with Divergent Views. We have to be able to listen and learn from one another. We have to be able to open our minds and hearts to a range of views if we are to preserve the dignity of all. In a recent workshop with a local high school, a diverse range of parents listened with empathy to one another’s pain points and worries about their students without trying to fix the situation or judge either. This simple act of empathetic listening was deeply powerful and people left inspired and wanting more. We can learn to listen with empathy even when we disagree demonstrating through our receptiveness. Being receptive and empathetic does not indicate agreement – we can still believe what we believe – but merely care. 

Learn to Use Nonviolent Communication. Even and especially when a family member has a high level of anxiety or fear, using nonviolent communication strategies can focus on the person’s feelings and needs and not on any specific thing they are saying. Irrational words and actions often come from a place of fear. Instead of contradicting those words, you can practice asking about and reflecting back their feelings and also, inquiring about their needs. Finding ways in which to meet emotional needs is key to everyone feeling safe. For more on nonviolent communication in family life, check out this post.

Share Power. Use “power with” strategies instead of “power over” strategies with intention, learning and practice since it is not a natural tendency for most parents. Yet power struggles never end up teaching what we want to teach. Powering over our children’s ideas and actions sends a message that we do not have faith or confidence in their ability to self-manage. When you feel yourself moving into a power struggle (forcing a situation), pause, step back, and reflect. Instead, ask: How can I choose not to wrestle with power but instead empower and create an opportunity for taking responsibility at an age appropriate level? It can be extremely challenging! But your effort will result in a child or teen who understands how to share power. And that lessen will last a lifetime. Need support? Check out Susan Stiffelman’s excellent book on the topic, Parenting Without Power Struggles; Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids while Staying Cool, Calm, and Connected.

Participate Together. Go to the voting booth together as a family. Include your children and show them what you are doing as you vote. If you prepare for voting by reading about the candidates, show your family what you read and how you become informed. Do you participate in any service or volunteering in your community? Involve your children! Their participation in meeting community members and interacting with people – especially those who need help or have far less than they do – will become an unforgettable and eye-opening experience. Do you write letters to your representatives? Going on a march? Involve family members.

Keep an Ethics Dialogue Going. You’ve likely learned by now that our children’s brain wiring doesn’t fully mature in the area of consequential thinking and responsible decision-making until their mid-twenties. That means that the particular high order thinking skill involved requires a lot of connection-making practice. You can help facilitate that practice simply by raising and discussing ethical dilemmas in your own social circle or on the national scene. We discussed one just today as we saw the cover of Time Magazine and asked the questions: if scientists are capable of reestablishing a species that has been extinct for 10,000 years, is it responsible to do so? Just because we can, does that mean we should? What ripple effect consequences might occur in nature (Jurassic Park?) as a result of introducing a new species into the wild? It seems there are daily topics in the news that are fodder for ethical questioning and consideration. Take advantage and think through your ideas and questions – knowing that there are no “right” answers – with your family.

Make Just Decisions with Courage. If you go along with social expectations and the popular view every time, what will your children learn? There will be a time when the popular view or your community’s expectations differ from what you know in your heart is fair and just. If you don’t make a courageous decision on the side of justice, how will your children ever know how and when it’s right to take a stand? Discuss what values you stand for most in your family life and be sure that your family’s decisions align with those values.

Keep Learning! Our democracy is tremendously complex at each level – local, state and federal. In addition, our history in forming and fighting for our democracy is tremendously complex. So keep on learning – and do the learning with your children. For example, did you know that the core principles of democracy came originally from the Iroquois Confederacy and their Great Law of Peace? Check out the video below to learn more.

Democracy fails when we give away our sense of agency. And it’s not to be taken for granted. It takes work and it takes everyone. There are numerous ways to participate. Perhaps the most revolutionary act is raising the next generation of responsible citizens in your own home. What if we all took that responsibility to heart and did all we can? 

Resources:

Printable Founding Democratic Principles and Virtues – The Bill of Rights Institute:

– for Grade School Students

– for Middle and High School Students

Untold History: Iroquois Confederacy: The Birth of Democracy

Want to check yourself as you communicate with others and their differing views? Or want to check speeches or written documents? Check out The Dignity Index. The Dignity Index is an eight-point scale that scores speech along a continuum from contempt to dignity in as unbiased a manner as possible. By focusing on the sound bites, not the people behind them, the Index attempts to stay true to its own animating spirit: that everyone deserves dignity.

References:

United Nations. Global Issues: Democracy. Retrieved at https://www.un.org/en/global-issues/democracy on April 9, 2025.

Civic Education. The Concepts and Fundamental Principles of Democracy. Retrieved at https://www.civiced.org/pdfs/books/ElementsOfDemocracy/Elements_Subsection3.pdf on April 9, 2025.

Mirra, N. & Garcia, A. (2024). Schools are often blamed for floundering democracy. It’s not that simple. 3 urgent steps to overhaul civics education. Ed Week. Nov. 5.

Miller, C.C. (2024). Today’s Teenagers: Anxious about their Futures and Disillusioned by Politicians. The New York Times.

Lake, C., Snell, A., Gormley, C., Vinyard, I., Gillett, M., Anderson, K. S., O’Neil, E., Alles, D., Collins Coleman, E., & Robb, M. (2025). The state of kids and families in America, 2025. Common Sense Media.

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Posted on June 26, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

A Nurturing Balm for the Caregiver’s Soul: Summer Stillness

The raucous sound of waves pounding and tiles breaking and hitting the floor echo through every corner of my little household as we remodel our only full bathroom that (can you believe I’m admitting this?) we haven’t renovated in the twenty years since we’ve lived in our home. I find myself running from library to home and back again trying to get my work done and attend to my teenager’s needs, mostly for a car to drive and accountability on the basics (like “did you eat breakfast?”). At home, the electric guitar screams and reverberates from the basement as my son attempts to learn every song from the 1980s to today. At the library, as I write, people are hovering around my library study room ready to pounce on the space. Summer chaos has arrived. And I know you have it too – just your very own brand.

Young children require constant tending as we organize playdates, tend to scraped knees, and clean out the dirt, sand, and other messes that constitute a “good” summer. For elementary-aged children, we insist that we are not their entertainment committee but yet, need to get them involved in organized activities, see friends, and get outside versus getting consumed by screens. So we schlep them to camps, to friends’ houses, to tutoring, to music lessons all in an effort to provide enrichment away from screens. If you have teens in your household, there may be power struggles over bedtimes, screen times, meal times, and more as they push for independence without responsibility and you push for more responsibility. And the intensity heightens without the consistent routines and structures of school. About this time each summer, we begin to get weary of the intense heat and the bugs. So too we, as caregivers, are getting weary with the lack of structure and the many roles we feel responsible for playing in the summertime.

But there is a remedy. No, it does not involve imagining you are back on vacation. Instead you can find it in the small moments between the running here and there if you so choose to find it. Summer stillness shimmers like rays of light peaking through the clouds…there, ever-present but not loud or waving in your face. Buried in screens or in household responsibilities, you will miss it. But if you become intentional about seizing summer stillness in those glistening moments where it’s possible, you will find the healing and renewal you are looking for. Not all at once, but cumulatively, over time, those moments build a foundation within you of resilience.

Summer stillness is…

  • sitting outside and listening to all of the sounds of your surroundings – birdsong, breeze, traffic, children’s laughter, construction crews. Just listen. Be still. Appreciate the life you hear. If the “to do” list begins in your head, gently encourage it to float off.
  • pausing at your desk amidst work. Closing your computer. Backing up in your chair and closing your eyes. Breathing in for a number of breaths. Being still.
  • stopping in the kitchen. Placing your hands on the refrigerator or the countertops – someplace cool. Close your eyes and breathe.
  • with the family before eating dinner. Pause together. Close your eyes. You can ask your family to visualize their most peaceful place. Breathe for three breathes. Yes, kids can do it!
  • (with a little more time) go to water. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expansive. Just go to water. We have a pond in our neighborhood that I frequent. Stare at the water. Let it soothe you.
  • (with a little more time) head to nature. Again, it doesn’t have to be immersive. Find a park nearby. Sit on a bench or at a picnic table. Shed your shoes and feel your toes in the grass. Notice the life – humans but also, squirrels, birds, chipmunks, deer – quietly busy living an existence you typically don’t notice. Take time to notice. And breathe the fresh air while you do.

These may seem simple to a fault. But in our busy lives, strategies need to be. The trick is setting the intention: “I will practice stillness for my well-being.” and then sticking to it through reminders (phone or device?) or a consistent routine (right after morning coffee? right after camp drop off?). Don’t let the summer pull you under the water until you are drowning. Make sure that you are finding those shimmering moments to float. As caregivers, our family needs us to be well. Yet, their needs can consume us. And it’s not okay for us to let them consume us. That’s why we need to be proactive about renewal.

May you find plenty of shimmering moments of summer stillness ahead in each day. And may they add up to a fullness of spirit. May that spirit enter into your caregiving to infuse life with creativity and laughter and presence.

Happy summer!

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Posted on June 19, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Commemorating, Celebrating, and Learning from Juneteenth

“The historical legacy of Juneteenth shows the value of never giving up hope in uncertain times.” – National Museum of African American History and Culture

Juneteenth commemorates and celebrates the ending of slavery in the United States. It originated in Galveston, Texas on June 19,1865 with the following announcement:

“The people of Texas are informed that in accordance with a Proclamation from the Executive of the United States, all slaves are free. This involves an absolute equality of rights and rights of property between former masters and slaves, and the connection heretofore existing between them becomes that between employer and hired laborer.”

– General Gordon Granger, June 19th 1865 in Galveston, Texas

This event took place nearly two years after President Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation directing the emancipation of enslaved Africans in America. Yet slavery continued until the civil war ended. On that day in Galveston Bay, Texas, more than 250,000 African Americans were given federal and community protection of their rights to self-determination, citizenship, democracy and freedom.

Juneteenth reminds us that policy is only part of the bigger picture of social change. It’s a critical part of a much larger strategy that must consider how people’s awareness, beliefs and actions can be influenced for positive social change to occur. 

Liberty means that each human has the right to choose where and how they live, where and how they work, where and how they love and raise their families, and where and how they worship and believe. Married to those rights of liberty are the responsibilities we share as citizens to care for one another, to protect each other, to work to create justice, to empathize and hold space for those who are different than us or disagree with our views, to educate ourselves on the issues that affect us all, to vote with ethics and careful consideration, to find ways to contribute to the health and well-being of our communities, nation and world, and strive to do no harm. We cannot take these liberties for granted. Teaching our children what it means to be a democratic citizen is key to raising a generation who will preserve our liberties.

Because it is not the season for our children and teens to be in school, they may miss this critical part of our American history. It’s vital (not a nice-to-have) that our children understand the full American story. We hope you’ll celebrate this historic event. Then, we also hope you’ll take a moment today or in the following weeks to check out a children’s book and learn together as a family about this event that shaped our nation.

Recommended Children’s Books

Juneteenth for Mazie by Floyd Cooper

This story features Mazie, who at first isn’t eager to celebrate. However, her dad tells her how her great, great Grandpa learned of his freedom on one faithful June summer day. After learning about her ancestors’ legacy, Mazie is finally ready for Juneteenth.

Juneteenth Is by Natasha Triplett with Illustrator Daniel O’Brien

Family and community have always been the backbone of Juneteenth celebrations. “Juneteenth Is” focuses on the joy of gathering, honoring the fight for Black liberation, and supporting Black history as American history. Either read aloud or independently, children and parents alike can use this text to fuel important conversations.

The Juneteenth Story by Alliah L. Agostini with Illustrator Sawyer Cloud

Told as a story within a story, this book follows a young girl as she learns about the history of Juneteenth. With Cloud’s vibrant illustrations of the present and past, Agostini brings historical facts to an easy-to-read journey. Based on the author’s rich family Juneteenth legacy, this book shows how oral storytelling also serves as cultural memory.

The History of Juneteenth: A History Book for New Readers by Alisha Norwood, PhD. With Illustrator Sawyer Cloud

This introduction to the history of Juneteenth is best for early elementary readers. It contains quite a few thought-provoking questions that engage students with history and its implications in today’s world. Alongside the history and detailed timelines, readers can even take a quiz to test their knowledge!

What Is Juneteenth? By Kristi Jewel with Illustrator Manuel Gutierrez

Another title in the Who HQ series, What is Juneteenth?, shares the holiday’s history with stories from nationwide Juneteenth celebrations past and present. This book is a great nonfiction reader for children who are reading on their own.

References

National museum of African American History and Culture. Retrieved on 6.18.25 at https://nmaahc.si.edu/explore/moments/juneteenth

Juneteenth Website Retrieved on 6.18.25 at https://www.juneteenth.com/

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Posted on June 15, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Reimagining Fatherhood, Reimagining Our World

by Jason P. Miller, MA, PCC

When someone says “be a real man,” what do you think they mean?  Usually, this phrase is uttered to convey a wish for a man to project a tough exterior; to be strong (usually physically); and to express a chiseled and stoic affect. If a “real man” is permitted to feel anything, it is usually anger, because that is the most useful emotion for conquering and defending, which is historically what is expected. In other words, a “real man” is a warrior: someone who exists to protect and fight for something important. Historically that could mean territory, principles, rights, and/or your family.

In family life, traditionally the “real man” is expected to provide safety and security, and his value and respect is measured by how much he is able to do this. In the workplace, a “real man” is hailed when he rises to a position of power in a hierarchy (read: power over others). Fame and fortune is the hallmark of a “real man”, because those are the traditional indicators of overcoming hardship and barriers placed on him from external circumstances. This typically has included people who stand in the way of “success.”

While this picture of the traditional “real man” may not be as universally common as it once was, it is hard to deny that these themes still widely pervade our world today. Look no further than the daily dramas centered on winning and dominating in any sector. Whether it be politics, business, media, science, education, or healthcare, we still experience cultures and leaders who are celebrated for playing the mythic “conquering warrior.” While many say that “this is the way things are and have always been”, there is and has always been a fundamental flaw with the balance of power in this paradigm. Certainly, all of our external systems need re-calibrating at a minimum and overhauling at a maximum. Yet, there is another institution that holds perhaps the greatest potential to change the imbalance of power in our world: the institution of fatherhood.

If we dream of a future in which more of us are able to focus on lives of thriving rather than just surviving, we cannot get there without reimagining the identity and role of fathers in family life.

If we want a future marked by cooperation, care, compassion, and collective well-being rather than competition, winning, and personal economic gain, then we need to envision, build, and reinforce a new identity of fatherhood that embodies these ideals. This is the great quest to reimagine fatherhood.

The great quest is one that seeks to destroy the outdated and harmful identity of the conquering warrior and create in its place the identity of the nurturing partner in development and potential. Make no bones about it – this quest is not easy, not simple, and not done in a moment. It requires any of us who hold the privilege of being a father to commit to a long-term journey of truthful self-exploration, unlearning old narratives and habits, and persisting in the ongoing changing of how we show up in the world. With any quest, the journey will present us with challenges and trials that require ample doses of courage, strength, intelligence, and skills. But,

this quest will not have us conquering someone else, or even looking to change something that is outside of ourselves. Rather, our courage will need to turn inward to examine the internal barriers we hold up to protect ourselves from the vulnerability of intimate relationships.

The courageous inner journey of the reimagined father requires dads to embrace their imperfections; to lean into their greatest fears; to challenge and disrupt habitual patterns of thoughts tied to old stories and beliefs; and to be willing to surrender to a purpose greater than oneself. It is a quest for dads to personally accept and express love through warmth, and to become more balanced and whole by embracing their nurturing side. The quest is indeed one that is perilous; one that is fraught with uncertainty and potential loss of self as anyone who has attempted it knows. But it is a quest worth taking because of the powerful role of modeling that we hold as fathers in family life. This is the only real chance we have as fathers to change the trajectory of generations to come.

The great quest to reimagine fatherhood starts with you, Dad. If you want to make the world a better place, first take a look at yourself, and then commit to changing who you are. You can bring balance and thriving to the world by embracing a new identity within your own family by modeling these ideals yourself. Your family lineage depends on your willingness to accept this great quest.

Jason Miller has over twenty-five years of experience as an Organizational Development leader, coach, and consultant as founder of Inner Sound, and serves on the faculty of the Hudson Institute of Coaching. Jason is father to a teenage son.

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Posted on June 12, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Confident Parents Raising Confident Kids in PRIDE Month; Perspectives and Resources from the LGBTQIA Village

Though Confident Parents, Confident Kids typically takes a break in the summertime, we felt that it was particularly important this year to shout out PRIDE month and offer some valuable perspectives and also, resources. I asked the following questions and got a wealth of helpful information. I’m so grateful to the following experts/professionals who are also parents for offering their authentic experiences and wisdom here. 

1. How does it feel right now in this time in your life – as opposed to earlier in your life — in our nation and world — to be a part of the LGBTQIA family and raising a child/children?

Honestly, it feels complicated. I grew up in a time and place where being LGBTQIA meant keeping people guessing where it was safer not to be fully seen. We lived behind a kind of cultural curtain: tolerated, but never affirmed.

When marriage equality became law and protections were put in place, it felt like the world was finally catching up to our humanity. I felt hope, even momentum. But lately, it feels like we’re moving backward revisiting fears I thought we’d outgrown. I find myself questioning where we can safely travel, how public we can be, and what messages my family might receive just by being visible. It’s a strange thing: to be so proud of the family we’ve built, and yet still have to protect it in the most basic, everyday ways.

-Gerry

Ten years ago, I felt more hopeful. There was real momentum—marriage equality was affirmed, visibility was increasing, and it felt like we were finally being heard. But once political leaders realized they couldn’t defeat marriage equality, they shifted their attacks. Now, the focus is on gender identity and the rights of trans and nonbinary people, especially youth.

It’s important to understand that gender identity and the LGBTQIA+ community are deeply connected—our movement includes people of all identities and expressions. When any part of our community is under attack, the whole movement is under threat.

What’s even more disheartening is watching corporations, local governments, and schools—institutions that once publicly supported LGBTQIA+ rights—begin to quietly withdraw. Systems are defunding programs, pulling back services, and, in many cases, choosing silence or neutrality over justice. They are legislating or complying with hateful bills, abandoning their values because it’s easier than standing up and doing what’s right.

But none of this is new to us. Our history is built on resistance—on showing up, speaking out, and refusing to be erased. We’ve fought with literal blood, sweat, and tears at every turn. And we have to keep going. Now more than ever, it’s critical that we stay visible, have hard conversations, and live out loud in our everyday lives.

Our children are watching—and they deserve a world shaped by courage, not complacency.

-Lance

It feels unsafe and unpredictable. The most important thing for any parent is to keep their child safe and when government and a surging cultural movement are opposed to your child even existing, it feels extremely frightening and lonely. At the same time, we feel fortified that our unconditional love, acceptance, and celebration of our teen and their identity is making a difference because they are confident, thriving, and happy, even in the midst of an anti-LGBTQIA+ environment. 

– Pamela

2. What do you need from the larger parenting community in order to feel safe and cared for as a family – in the “village” doing the tough job of raising confident kids?

More than anything, we need intentional solidarity. We need parents who don’t just quietly “support” LGBTQIA families but who actively show up. Who speak up when something isn’t right. Who teach their kids that all families are valid, not just in theory but in practice at birthday parties, at school events, in everyday moments that either include us or erase us.

We need the village to be loud in its love, yes but also open in its invitation. We need safe spaces where understanding is pursued with curiosity, not judgment…where stories don’t have to be masked or edited to be palatable…where the hard parts can rise to the surface and be met with compassion instead of distance.

Sometimes it’s as simple and as profound as inviting someone to coffee or lunch and saying, “Tell me more.” Real conversations make room for real connection. And that’s where the village starts to feel like home.

– Gerry

Treat us the same as you would any other parent or family. We have far more in common than we do differences—truly. Like you, we’re doing our best to raise kind, resilient kids in a complicated world.

What we need from the village is simple: inclusion, not exception. Please talk to your children about how families come in all forms—some have one parent, some have two, some have two moms or two dads, and all are equally real and loving.

And maybe ask your child if they know of any classmates whose families look different from their own. That small question opens the door to empathy and awareness—and it’s often where the most important conversations begin.

Also, teach your kids the power of their words. Words can include or exclude. They can create safety or harm. Helping children understand the impact of language—and the value of kindness—goes a long way in building a stronger, more compassionate community for all of our families.

– Lance

The larger parenting community needs to understand our journey raising an LGBTQIA+ is not the same as theirs. For us, every interaction is potentially fraught: every class, activity, or appointment is an opportunity for bias, bigotry, and/or hate to be directed toward our children.* I frequently have to ask questions in advance to make sure my non-binary, gay child will be kept safe by adults and the answer is sometimes “no.” That restricts my child’s access to activities other parents may not think twice about sending their children to. I also need to coach my child around what they can and can’t safely say about their identity in some settings for their own physical safety. Where you live really impacts these experiences, so for those parents in small towns or rural areas, check in with parents of queer kids to see how they’re doing. This is an exhausting and scary time for us. 

Understanding that often the harm comes from adults not other children is important, too, and acting in solidarity with parents of LGBTQIA+ children to call out biased or hateful behavior, even when it’s difficult, is so appreciated. 

When it comes to your own children, raising them to be inclusive and welcoming is critical but more than that, teaching your children to be an active upstander when they see or hear a child who is (or is presumed to be) part of the LGBTQIA+ community being excluded or mistreated. 

*parents of color share that they can feel the same way – that they have to assess if a situation is safe for their child – and I want to acknowledge that. 

-Pamela

3. For parents who need more information or support, what sources would you recommend?

Some of the organizations recommended by our parents here include:

The following continue to be incredible resources for everything from policy updates to personal stories to guides on talking to kids about identity and inclusion.

Family Equality

The Trevor Project

Strong Family Alliance

PFLAG Welcoming Schools – has great material for navigating school environments

Gender Spectrum – is a thoughtful space for learning about gender-inclusive parenting.

Trans Youth Equality Foundation

Human Rights Campaign; Supporting Trans-gender, Non-binary, and Gender Expansive Children

Sometimes the most helpful resource isn’t a website but it’s a local parent you can actually talk to. Find your people. They’re out there. – Gerry

Family Equality, The Trevor Project, PFLAG, Welcoming Schools, and Gender Spectrum are national organizations. I am located in Columbus, Ohio and have found several local organizations who offered tailored support including:

  • Stonewall Columbus: Central Ohio’s LGBTQ+ community center provides support groups, counseling services, and family-focused programming through initiatives like the Family Pride Network. stonewallcolumbus.org+3fcchurch.com+3womensplace.osu.edu+3
  • PFLAG Columbus: Offers support, education, and advocacy for LGBTQ+ individuals and their families, with regular meetings and resources specific to the Columbus area. womensplace.osu.edu
  • Kaleidoscope Youth Center (KYC): Focuses on LGBTQ+ youth aged 12–20, providing a drop-in center, leadership programs, and support services in Columbus. kycohio.org+1fcchurch.com+1
  • Equitas Health: A nonprofit healthcare system offering LGBTQ+-affirming primary care, behavioral health services, and HIV/STI testing in Columbus. fcchurch.com
  • Equality Ohio: Advocates for legal and lived equality for LGBTQ+ Ohioans, providing legal resources and support for families navigating discrimination or policy challenges.

These organizations offer a range of services—from healthcare and legal assistance to community support and youth programs—specifically designed to support LGBTQ+ families in the Columbus area. So check out versions of these in your area and see if there’s a chapter.

School-based affinity groups or parenting networks can also be incredibly meaningful, especially when they’re grounded in shared lived experiences. And don’t underestimate the impact of a therapist or family counselor who affirms LGBTQIA+ identities—mental health support isn’t optional, it’s foundational. – Lance

4. Are there any children’s or teen books that you love that could help?

This is a combined list of go-to favorites:

  • And Tango Makes Three – A classic that normalizes different types of families with heart. Based on the true story of two male penguins raising a chick together at the Central Park Zoo.  
  • Julián Is a Mermaid – A beautifully illustrated book about self-expression and acceptance.
  • Red: A Crayon’s Story – A clever metaphor about being mislabeled and the freedom of authenticity.
  • It Feels Good to Be Yourself – An inclusive, affirming picture book about gender identity.
  • George (middle grade) – A sensitive and honest story about a trans girl navigating identity.
  • Papa’s Coming Home (for young children) – Depicts a normal, loving family with two dads but isn’t focused on that element of their family.

Books like these don’t just help queer kids feel seen they help all kids become better allies and more empathetic humans.

– Gerry

Check out PFLAG’s List of Coming Out Books

Many thanks to Gerry, Lance and Pamela!

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Posted on June 5, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

More Fun, Less Hassle: Creating Summer Routines to Help Each Family Member Take Responsibility

Dive Into Summer with Some Simple Boundaries to Ensure All (Including Parents!) Enjoy the Season

“Mom, what do you really want to do this summer?” my son asked me during our bedtime pillow talk last night. I had to think. I wanted my summer sunshine dreams of lemonade stands, library visits, and creeking at local parks to roll off my tongue but instead, my mind was a-jumble.

In our race to the finish line of school, my head was swimming with work agendas and classroom parent tasks to complete. It wasn’t easy to get my mind quickly focused on summertime fun though that’s precisely the hope of my ten-year-old boy. And as I attempted to, waves of anxiety tend to rush through my veins as I figure out the windows of time in which I can accomplish work during those sunny summer days in the midst of playtime.

This was written five years ago and so much has changed including the fact that my son doesn’t “play” anymore but instead “hangs out.” At ten, his head came to the crux of my arm and today, I crane my neck to look up at him. We, however, yet again will have a conversation about summer boundaries and routines as a family. With a teen, you may consider the list I’ve included to tailor your rules to your own family’s specific assets and challenges.

I know that if I take some time over the coming weeks to do some collective summer dreaming while establishing some “lite” routines, our summer will be filled with cooperation, shared responsibility, and opportunities for those precious moments of spontaneity — the ones that I truly want to define our summer.

So with that in mind, here are the ways in which we’ll establish a foundation for fun. Perhaps some of these tips will help your household enjoy the summer as well.

Take Time for Sunny Summer Dreaming.

Grab a poster board or newsprint and brainstorm together a list of favorite activities you want to be sure and get in over the summer. Separate into “at home” and “out.” Make sure there are some ideas that can be done as solo play. Hang it on the refrigerator or somewhere you can refer to it throughout the summer. This serves as a terrific way to anticipate the fun of summer and can be an invaluable support for pointing to when your child comes to you bored and unsure of how to spend his/her time. I’ve done this every summer with great success. At ten, my son took the initiative himself without prompting and wrote out thirty-five ideas for summer fun! Now that he’s 15, we simply talk about our hopes and dreams and make some plans together.

Talk about Your Routine “Lite.”

Though you may be eager to relinquish the rigor of the daily school routine, children still thrive with some sense of predictability. So talk about changes in your routine while your family is together. Consider your morning, bedtime and meal times and other transitions in the day. How will things stay the same? How will things change? Perhaps, you’ll agree that getting dressed should happen by a certain time in the morning? Having this discussion can help set expectations for the summer and also provide that sense of stability children can thrive on through routines.

Check out my checklist of all the potential considerations to discuss for summer. Some you may be able to check off right away or skip – you’ve got them covered. Others you and your family might spend some focused conversation on.

Set Up a Regular Quiet Reading Time.

Sure, you may be out of the house some days during a typical quiet time. But consider assigning a particular time of day to serve as a quiet time whenever you are around the house. After lunch could work, late afternoon or right before dinner. Turn off devices and media. Haul out blankets and books. You could include snacks. But it should be a time when all in the household “power down” and take it easy. Set the expectation for this at the beginning of summer and kids will assume it’s part of their summer routine.

Create a Simple Camp, Pool, or Summer Job Checklist

Is there a place you tend to go daily in the summertime whether it’s day camp or a pool or a summer job? Make sure you’ve set up your children for success in getting ready and out of the door with ease. Create a simple checklist together of what’s consistently needed. Bug spray? Check. Sun tan lotion? Check. Water bottle? Work I.D.! Check. Use a dry erase board and kids can actually check off items each day. It will help them take responsibility for their own preparation and you won’t have to become the summertime nag! 

Discuss Responsibilities and Consider Adding a Household Job List

Hopefully, your children understand their household responsibilities throughout the year. But anytime there is a transition, it’s a good moment to revisit. And you may consider one added responsibility to contribute to the household that’s age-appropriate since there tends to be more time in the summer. In addition, if you’re child is eager to earn money but too young to go out and get a job, you may consider putting together a list of jobs beyond their typical responsibilities such as, sweeping the first floor carpet for a $1.00. This will add to their practice of taking responsibility for jobs and offer a chance for your child to earn money this summer while helping you out! Consider a time when you do chores and offer that time for all family members to work together. 

For more on establishing household responsibilities with children, check out this article.  And for an age-appropriate household responsibility list, check out this printable!

Talk about Screen Time Limits and Expectations.

Avoid a daily battle or the chance your child might become addicted to screens and not flourish through multiple activities this summer beyond screens. Learn as a family the reasons why it’s important to limit screen time. Focus on the positive benefits of using time in other ways. Then, be clear together about what limits you’ll agree upon. 

For more on facts about why it’s important to limit screen time as well as, a family media meeting agenda and a family screen time agreement, check out this article.

The warmer weather brings about so many opportunities for laughter and exploration together. May your summer be filled with those kinds of magical moments with your children, teens and whole family!

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Posted on May 29, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Key Ways to Promote Responsibility without Punishment 

This time of transition between the end of the school year and summer beginning can be a jarring transition for parents and children alike. We are excited about the better weather and the opportunity for free time. Yet, tasks still need to be accomplished and the stack of events in May and early June pack our schedule and make us all feel frenzied. When times are busier, they are ripe for children to make poor choices. They may need more attention that we are not capable of providing. They may be comparing themselves to peers and feeling “not enough” as others receive academic and sports awards at school year’s end. Add hunger or tiredness and the time pressures of a busy schedule and you’ve got an upset child. Sometimes, that upset results in poor choices that may impact you or your family. And because you may also be tired, hungry, and overworked, your response may not represent your true values about what you want to teach them. So the time might be ripe for this reminder about ways to respond to poor choices that promote responsibility. Old habits or outdated beliefs might kick in that lead you to nagging, yelling, or even punishing. So let’s take a pause to examine why it’s so critical to promote responsibility in ways that exercise the skill and build your child’s inner moral compass.

Some parents feel that if they do not impose punishments, their child will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate and that somehow they won’t be doing their job in teaching the lesson of responsibility. Time and again, however, research confirms that punishment is ineffective and in fact, creates more poor choices.1 When a child is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. This is what they focus on – licking their wounds (read: victim state) – and not seeing themselves as responsible agents. This overwhelming sense of fear or hurt impacts their relationship with you – “why are they trying to hurt me?” – while also failing to teach them the appropriate constructive behavior and build a skill. Your child is likely to miss the lesson you want to emphasize entirely while feeling unsafe and sometimes, unfairly wronged. 

Pay attention when you use punishments to whether or not the poor choice is made again to know if the lesson was learned. Punishment creates a vicious cycle in which a child feels badly about themselves and repeats the behaviors that are expected of a “bad child.” To interrupt this cycle, parents need to learn to actively support their child in repairing harm and taking active ownership for their role in the problem.

“A child who complies in the hope of getting a reward or avoiding a punishment is not, as we sometimes say, ‘behaving themselves.’ It would be more accurate to say the reward or punishment is behaving him.” writes researcher and leading educational reformer Alfie Kohn.2 When we turns our backs, the behavior repeats because the skill has not been practiced, nor has a value or lesson been internalized.

Using physical force, such as spanking is also highly ineffective. A meta-analysis of five decades of research conclusively showed that spanking a child results in short-term negative outcomes like aggression and defiance and long-term outcomes like substance abuse.3

We do not desire raising obedient humans. We desire raising hearts and minds that are self aware that they have a role and responsibility in every challenge that occurs. We want them to exercise the actions of taking responsibility so that they understand what that looks like and feels like. That’s true self awareness and responsible decision-making.

Take a Pause First – Regardless of the Situation.

Our children are our chief button-pushers. When problems arise, when children act with defiance or attempt to bait us into a power struggle, it’s rattling. We are not weak or uninformed or even bad parents for that shake-up. It’s simply how mother nature set us up to be certain to pay attention to our kids when they need our attention. But how we respond to that rattling is key. Why quickly respond when you know that impulse will lead your decision-making? Show your child how to self manage by modeling it yourself in those key moments of challenge. Pause. Close your eyes if you need to. Go inside. Slow down. Breathe. Take your time. Slow down time. Yes, you’ve heard this before but there’s an important reason. It can make all of the difference in whether or not you respond with a clear head and with emotional intelligence at the fore.

Guide your Children to Repair Harm.

Children may feel bad about themselves after they have made a poor choice and harmed another. Perhaps they’ve struggled with controlling their impulses. Sometimes in that moment, children can feel overwhelmed as if all of the important people in their lives are mad at them and like nothing they can do or say can make things better. 

Help them practice making good choices after they have caused harm. You might say, “Let’s think of ways we can make this better.” Generate ideas together. “I could hug my sister and tell her I’m sorry?” Then offer support as they fix a broken toy, repair a ripped book, or offer a popsicle to a child they’ve knocked down. I often find myself saying to E when a friend gets hurt, “Go check on him. Ask if he’s okay or if he needs a bandaid.” The more practice children get thinking about and putting caring energy into repairing both physical and emotional damage, the better equipped they will be for situations in which serious damage has occurred and they need to be strong and make better choices. And in turn, when they have been hurt, they will be more ready to give a second chance to their offender. In addition, discuss the consequences of not forgiving. “If you do not forgive Sammy for taking your Lego piece, what will happen to your friendship?”

For older children and teens, the issues only become more complex and so too, the need for guidance around how to repair harm and forgive. When teens harm, talk through together the ways in which they can repair relationships. Often, they need to be heard and understood first since their big emotions will be center stage if they are having friendship or peer difficulties. Taking responsibility can mean coming back to the person you’ve fought with and saying, “I realize I was frustrated with you. Here’s why. I hope we can work it out.” 

You can coach your teen that they have choices. First, with a friendship they want to preserve or in a sibling relationship, they can communicate any ways in which they’ve done harm and take responsibility for their own behavior. This step in a relationship can open a safe space for a friend or peer to do the same but it doesn’t always work. The friend may not always take that opportunity to own their wrong-doing. So then, it’s up to your teen to do their own internal heart work to ensure they are letting go of anger they may be holding. Your support can help them through that process.

Follow Through with Your Child.

It can take great courage to own your role in a problem with a peer, a friend, or an adult. And our children will not automatically understand how to repair harm in a relationship. Adults struggle with this. So our children require our support. After you’ve thought through together what words or actions they will take, assist them in following through if they require it. If they’ve broken a neighbor’s flowerpot, walk over to the neighbor with them. Don’t apologize for them. But be there as a support when they step up and repair harm.

Reflect.

Be sure you reflect on the full experience to help your child internalize the learning. We all make poor choices. It’s how we respond. It’s that next choice that makes all of the difference. So think through together how your child took responsibility. Also consider: did the relationship become stronger? Often it does when we know that a relationship won’t break just because there’s been a challenge.

The lesson of responsibility is one of our top roles and gifts we can give our children. We know we don’t want them to blame or become defensive. We want them to stand tall and take ownership over their words and actions. Admit when they have caused harm. We want them to take steps to make things better. We want them to understand there is always a next chance to make a responsible choice.

References:

  1. Baumrind, D. (1966). Effects of authoritative parental control on child behavior. Child Development, 37(4), 887–907.
  2. Kohn, A. (1999). Punished by Rewards; The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise and Other Bribes. NY, NY: Houghton Mifflin.
  3. Gershoff, E. T., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2016). Spanking and child outcomes: Old controversies and new meta-analyses. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), 453–469. doi:10.1037/ fam0000191
  4. Straus, M. A., & Stewart, J. H. (1999). Corporal punishment by American parents: National data on prevalence, chronicity, severity, and duration, in relation to child and family characteristics. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 2, 55–70.

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Posted on May 20, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Transitions – Endings, Middles, and Beginnings

Thank you partner Glencoe School District 35 in northern Chicago for reminding me that our young children are managing many transitions this time of year. They may be mourning the losses of beloved teachers and the grade they are completing. Here are some supports to better understand and support those transitions in family life.

Long ago, but not so very long ago
The world was different, oh yes it was
Time goes by, time brings changes, you change, too
Nothing comes that you can’t handle, so on you go

– Our Town from the Cars movie, by James Taylor[i]

These words were sung in my house yesterday by my soulful five-year-old, with a passion that might come from the life experience of a forty-year-old who has seen hard times. I thought how strange it was that he would pick the somewhat sad and reflective song from his beloved movie, Cars[ii], versus some of the more popular, upbeat songs. My husband reminded me, “This is how he’s feeling these days.” Moving from his current preschool to Kindergarten is his impending world change. Sometimes it feels as if life is one big transition. You are starting a new job or business venture. Your spouse is working on a degree. Your son is taking up the trumpet or beginning a baseball league. Your daughter is entering puberty. Transitions abound. And though sometimes the new seems exciting, the changes can also be scary, frustrating and stressful.

There is an entire line of inquiry devoted to the topic of transitions in the early childhood years for the very reason that there are so many that occur in a young child’s life. They experience both vertical transitions, like graduating from preschool and moving on to kindergarten as my son is about to do and horizontal transitions, like moving from different settings each day from home, to preschool, to the sitters, to gymnastics and back home. And so throughout childhood and adolescence, physical, psychological and environmental changes are nearly constant.

Listening seems to be one key to understanding the kind of support people need in going through a transition. Studies have found that children’s perceptions of what kind of support they need to make major or minor transitions differ significantly from adult’s perceptions.[iii] As is true with parenting in general, there is no one single best approach. However sociocultural research points to the importance of parents being involved nonetheless. I asked my own son the following and tried to listen carefully.

“How are you feeling about moving from your preschool to kindergarten in the fall?”
“I don’t want to go. I just want to stay at my school,” E responded.

And when I asked what we could do together to help make the move from one school to the next more fun and enjoyable, he said, “Nothing.” And so it’s not a simple process to ask questions and listen to the response and then do what your child suggests they need. But when facing a major transition, there are a few ways that you can offer support to those in the transition. Though the ideas, for the most part, are geared for children, these suggestions could apply to any age.

Raise your awareness.
First, just having a greater awareness of the fact that a transition is taking place and that it’s likely stressful on the participants will give you greater empathy for them. After five years of a whole school change initiative I was facilitating in which an elementary school moved from failing to achieving through much dedication, collaboration, and hard work, the district decided to close down the school because it was an old facility. Teachers were let go and had to apply to new positions in other schools. We gave each teacher the gift of the book, Transitions; Making Sense of Life’s Changes.[iv] It is an exceptional resource for any person struggling with a transition. In it William Bridges, the author, explains that in every transition there is a death first – a letting go of the old way of thinking, being or doing. The one in the midst of change must let go of the old in order to embrace the new. Sometimes there are no physical manifestations of the change but only internal differences as in a new understanding. In situations that are supposed to be joyful like having a baby, it’s not socially acceptable to mourn the loss of time with your partner or life before baby but nonetheless, it’s a part of the transition. Being aware that there’s a mourning process taking place with your child – moving from one school to another or even leaving a beloved teacher – will give you greater empathy for what you child is experiencing.

Create a ritual or rite of passage.
Somewhere in our backyard is a pacifier lovingly placed in a box and buried in the dirt. E and I had a ceremony to say goodbye to the pacifier when it was time to move on. That experience helped E break the pacifier habit for good and in a way that emotionally supported his transition. When I quit a job that left me feeling disenchanted and depleted, I wrote down all of my frustrations and burned them up in the fireplace. Creating an event to recognize or symbolize the passing away of the old and the passageway to the new can help a person commit to a new path and let go of the old.

If your children are school age, they may be anticipating the beginning of their school year. Why not offer some opportunity for reflection on their past school year? Some teachers go over the assignments and work produced throughout the year with students to see progress made but this does not happen enough in my estimation. Why not do that at home? Get out the artwork produced, homework completed and papers returned and take a look at all the learning that has taken place throughout the year. Then involve your child in recycling papers you don’t want to keep while saying goodbye to last school year and clearing space for the new year. Then you’ll be ready to celebrate – in whatever small way you choose – the school year’s start with your family.

Embrace the in-between.
That place in-between when you’ve let go of the old but have not yet begun the new can be incredibly uncomfortable. We are anxious for the new to begin. After all, we’ve committed to letting go of the past. Sometimes we will even make choices that will escalate the change so that the uncomfortable nothingness of the in-between passes quickly. In the neutral zone, as Bridges calls it, is the optimal time for quiet reflection on what has passed and also on hopes and dreams for the future. Who do you want to become? Children could take advantage of this opportunity with a little guidance each summer since every new school year is an opportunity, a new chance. Provide opportunities for reflection by modeling your own reflection – talking aloud or to your family about your thoughts. Allow children to be reflective by asking questions that do not require answers but only their private thoughts. “Hmmm – what are your hopes for third grade?” Allow the questions to hang in the air without expecting a response. You may be surprised as a day or week goes by and a response comes back to you when they have had the chance to really think about their desires for their next step.

Pave the way for the new.
When developmental changes occur, people do not leave the old behind or throw it away. The past stages are built upon and cumulative so that the ways of the infant, toddler, preschooler and beyond are always a part of who they are. If I get frustrated with my son when he has a moment of acting like he might have when he was a toddler, I have to remind myself that the toddler is still in there and a part of him. Sometimes children need reminding that what they are leaving behind is not gone forever. We can go visit a favorite teacher next year and see how she is doing. We can play that old cd from music class and relive the memories. Paving the way for the new means offering ways to stay connected to the old and then focusing on new opportunities. Unknown friends and teachers might seem scary. But going into that new environment before it’s time for school to begin can ease the transition. If it’s in your control, think about ways you can gently introduce the new. Is there a children’s book on the topic you could read and talk about together? Are there other kids you could hang out with who have experienced the new situation and could share their impressions? Any safe, “toe in the water” experiences with the new can help your child feel more comfortable.

Returning from the in-between or reflection stage of a transition ultimately “… brings us back to ourselves and involves a reintegration of our new identity with elements of our old one.… Inwardly and outwardly, one comes home,” writes Bridges. Helping children through the uncertainty and fear of the new and unknown can allow them to explore their new direction with excitement, wonder and hope.

References

[i] Taylor, J. (2006). Our town. On Cars Soundtrack. Los Angeles,CA: Walt Disney Records, Pixar.
[ii] Walt Disney Pictures and Pixar (Producer), & Lasseter, J., & Ranft, J. et al. (Writer, Director). (2006). Cars (Motion Picture). United States: Walt Disney Pictures.
[iii] Vogler, P., Crivello, G., & Woodhead, M. (2008). Early childhood transitions research: A review of concepts, theory and practice. The Hague, The Netherlands: Bernard van Leer Foundation.
[iv] Bridges, W. (2004). Transitions; Making sense of life’s changes. (2nd. Ed.) Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press.

Originally posted on May 2, 2013.

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