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Posted on February 27, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Beyond “Happy” and “Sad”: Teaching Our Children to Name and Navigate Their Emotions

By Guest Author Gianna Cassetta

Our conversations with our children about emotions shape their relationship with themselves in lasting ways. Over time, how we talk to them about feelings becomes how they talk to themselves. These early lessons influence their emotional well-being and adaptability for life.

Cultural expectations shape how children learn to express their emotions, influencing which feelings they feel safe sharing and how they communicate them. Some cultures encourage open emotional expression, while others emphasize restraint or specific ways of showing feelings. When parents recognize these influences, they can help their children develop a healthy relationship with their emotions, balancing cultural values with the need for authentic self-expression.

In addition to cultural influences, gender socialization also shapes how children express emotions. Boys are frequently taught to show anger but are discouraged from expressing sadness or hurt, while girls are often allowed to show sadness but are discouraged from expressing anger.1 However, these gendered norms do not capture the full spectrum of gender identities, and all children, regardless of gender, benefit from the ability to express a full range of emotions.

Emotional Granularity: The Power of Naming Feelings

One of the most powerful ways we can support children is by helping them develop emotional granularity—the ability to identify and name their feelings with precision. Instead of lumping everything under “happy,” “sad,” or “angry,” they learn to recognize the difference between disappointed, frustrated, apprehensive, or anxious. Emotions are signals from our brains that help us make sense of our experiences and prepare us to respond. Ignoring or oversimplifying them doesn’t help. But naming them? That’s where the real power lies.

Lisa Feldman Barrett, a leading researcher in this field, emphasizes that emotions are not universal but are constructed based on our experiences, culture, and environment.2 The more granular we get with our emotions, the better our brains can respond to situations. Research has shown that individuals with higher emotional granularity are less likely to rely on harmful coping mechanisms, more resilient in the face of setbacks, and even experience better physical health.3

By naming emotions with precision, we can help children find clarity in chaos and connection in hardship.

How Parents Can Support Emotional Granularity

  1. Model Emotional Granularity: Share your own emotions with specificity. Instead of saying, “I’m stressed,” try, “I’m feeling anxious about work deadlines and frustrated that I don’t have enough time for family.”
  2. Use Tools Like a Feelings Wheel: Visual aids can help parents and children, even young ones, identify a broader range of emotions. For older children, you can also use GROK cards (an empathy card game), an app like How We Feel, or a Circumplex like the one I made with my colleague, Estrella Dawson.
  3. Create a Safe Space for Emotional Expression: Encourage family members to share their feelings without judgment. Validate their emotions, even if you can’t “fix” the situation.
  4. Reflect on Actions: Once we identify emotions, discuss how these feelings might influence decisions and behaviors. Ask, “Now that we know we’re feeling [specific emotion], what’s one small step we can take?”

The Parenting Perspective: Helping Kids Navigate Challenges

These ideas became essential in my parenting journey. When my sons, Caleb and Sam, faced significant sports injuries requiring surgery, they weren’t just dealing with physical recovery; they were also navigating a loss of identity. Caleb had spent years training as a soccer player, and suddenly, he couldn’t play the game that had been such a central part of his life. Sam, preparing for his first college wrestling season, had to grapple with the frustration of being sidelined. My husband and I cycled through a range of emotions: grief for their missed opportunities, helplessness in the face of their pain, and anxiety about how well they’d cope, not just physically but emotionally. At first, we labeled everything overwhelming, but that vague label didn’t help us or them move forward.

We leaned into emotional granularity to name emotions more precisely. When Caleb said he felt “frustrated” rather than “upset,” we realized his frustration stemmed from uncertainty about his recovery timeline and whether he’d ever get back to playing at the same level. That insight allowed us to ask more specific questions, like “What part of your recovery is feeling the most uncertain?” and “What would help you feel more in control right now?” These deeper conversations led to more clarity for him and us, reducing miscommunication and helping us support him more meaningfully.

This practice didn’t fix everything, but it did help us move through challenges with more clarity and connection. It also reinforced a critical lesson: Boys, too, need space to express a full range of emotions. The pressure to “man up” and suppress feelings can fuel toxic masculinity. By encouraging emotional expression, we help boys build resilience rather than repression.

Final Thoughts

If life guarantees anything, it’s the unexpected. By naming emotions with precision, we can help children find clarity in chaos and connection in hardship. Teaching them that emotions are data, not obstacles, equips them with lifelong skills for resilience and emotional intelligence.

References

  1. Chaplin, T. M., Cole, P. M., & Zahn-Waxler, C. (2005). Parental socialization of emotion expression: Gender differences and relations to child adjustment. Emotion, 5(1), 80-88.
  2. Barrett, L. F. (2017). How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
  3. Kashdan, T. B., Barrett, L. F., & McKnight, P. E. (2015). Unpacking emotion differentiation: Transforming unpleasant experience by perceiving distinctions in negativity. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 24(1), 10-16.

Gianna Cassetta (she/her) is an International Coaching Federation-certified Emotional Intelligence coach and founder of The Plain Red Horse Coaching and Consulting, supporting schools and organizations in equity-focused leadership and SEL. She also coaches women navigating life transitions, helping them build clarity, confidence, and resilience. A former teacher, school leader, and district administrator, she has co-authored Classroom Management Matters, No More Taking Away Recess, and The Caring Teacher, with her latest book, Centering Equity Through Adult Social and Emotional Learning: A Guide for School Leaders, set for publication in 2025.


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Posted on February 20, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

You Too Could Be A Part of Book Two!

“If everything around you seems dark, look again. YOU may be the light.” – Rumi

In this bitterly cold winter, the light we find – if we look for it – resides in ourselves, in our children, and in our family members and friends. Being together, sharing in our lives, focusing on our children’s passions, learning, hopes and dreams — these can bring us into a life-giving space. But bearing the dark, cold winter requires courage.

I am hard at work on book number two with a little help from my friends – the Confident Parents’ team and more – maybe you? I am deeply grateful to Health Communications Inc., a Division of Simon and Schuster, and specially, Darcie Abbene, Editor, and Tina Wainscott, Literary Agent for making this book possible. To be released in October of 2026, this book is about courage in parenting teens. When my son was a young child and I was a new, inexperienced Mom, I did everything I could to find, discover, and learn how to be confident. Confidence was my central focus to be the Mom he deserved. Now, in this midway passage between childhood and adulthood – adolescence – while I find myself in my own midlife passage, I require courage. Courage to show up with all of my deepest values worn on the outside of me through my everyday words and actions, present to the life I’ve chosen.

For the coming year, I’ll be busy collecting stories of courage that I’ll be eager to share with you when the time comes. And some of our Confident Parents’ team will be conducting their very own courage experiments in their family life. There’s much we can learn from each other as we attempt to raise teens who know who they are, have agency and a sense of purpose, respect the dignity of others, and are prepared to responsibly and wholeheartedly contribute to making our world better than they’ve found it.

Do you know any parents (of ages 10-20 year olds) who you consider demonstrate courage? Do you know any teenagers who demonstrate courage? I would love to hear their story. Please fill out the form below. All entries will be considered for the upcoming book on courage. I continue to be so grateful for our caring learning village! I hope you’ll consider sharing your story with us! 

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Thank you for your response. ✨

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Posted on February 13, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Teaching Kids Unconditional Love in a Conditional World

Lately, adult stress around separation anxiety with young children has come up frequently – with clients, with friends, and in working with early childhood educators. It can be such a heartbreak for a parent to leave a child at preschool when they are clinging to your leg and crying. And though the parent may know that it’s good that your child is attached to you and normal that they are scared to be without you transitioning into a school environment, it doesn’t lessen the pain and worry. In addition to using strategies to ease that transition, it also becomes a milestone to celebrate. Your child is learning to be on their own at school without their parent by their side. It’s a giant leap of independence for a young person. And each time they have a leap of independence, they discover the courage and confidence to persist through the solid foundation of love and support you’ve provided for them.

In those early years, children do not have the ability to separate your love from their behaviors — or your scolding or rule-enforcing when they make a poor choice. And so when they have a particularly tough day, make messes and mistakes, they need your reassurance that you love them no matter what – even when they are doing things you don’t like. If you are a parent of young children, it’s important to remember that they need to hear from you that you love them even when they’ve ripped your new dress, written in Sharpie marker directly on the tabletop or spilled the literal milk. You’ll get upset surely and they will too. Hopefully, you’ll guide them through ways they can repair the harm they’ve caused or clean up the mess they’ve made but at the end of it all, whenever that is, they’ll need to hear that you love them no matter what.

In the school age years starting around third grade, school becomes highly conditional and performance based. Typically gone are the warm embraces from teachers. The teachers are now focused on the third grade reading guarantee. Academic performance becomes paramount. Sports are not just co-ed and for the fun of it. They are for skill building and they’re competitive. Children’s identities and friendships too begin to change. They move from “I’m a nice kid who likes to play and explore and befriend anyone” to “I achieve in certain subjects and make goals on the soccer field.” Whereas young children were friends with the peers who sat next to them during snack, now peers are friends who are in the same reading intervention group or skilled (or unskilled) at sports after school and on weekends. They been leveled for their area of competence and labeled too. Because the expectations only continue to rise for achievement and performance, our school age children need to hear that no matter their test score, no matter their GPA, no matter whether they can score a goal or not, you love them and you see them for all of their goodness.

In the middle schools years, life changes dramatically. Physical, cognitive, emotional and social changes are constant. Students feel a sense of vulnerability and sensitivity as they undergo changes and their peers’ opinions become top priority. Judgment reaches an all-time high in their life as friendship groups play the “you’re in,” “you’re out” game which to an outside adult looks like a cruel primitive ritual but tends to be a rite of passage for most and can be tremendously painful when you are deemed “out.” Middle schoolers will want plenty of privacy to navigate their social challenges and push you away as they try and gain independence. No matter what age you are as a parent, you are deemed “old” and unaware of youth culture. And their knowledge and acquisition of youth popular culture is the most important ticket into a social circle. Whereas in the early years, they clung to your leg unabashedly, now they actually may want to cling to your leg at times but wouldn’t dare. And when they feel those cravings – those needs for your love and attention – they’ll create conflict with you and become argumentative and grumpy in order to push you away and self manage their confusing internal conflict. Oh, middle school is not easy for anyone! But those tween-agers and early teens still regularly need to hear that you love them no matter how grumpy or pimply they are. You may have to deliver the message in a note under their door (and you may not immediately be appreciated for it) but they still need to hear it! 

In high school, teens are actively experimenting to figure out and define who they want to be. They have a new level of competence pressure because their friend group is not solely based on knowledge of youth popular culture but is also based on competence and performance. Show competence in a sport, theater, music, the arts, and the teen will find friends with similar interests and competencies. Performance pressure heightens further as the stakes grow even higher. Teens’ academic scores will determine where they go to college, if they acquire funding for college, and how they will rank in their school. Sports become so competitive that injuries are common, practices or games are daily, and travel on weekends is part of the package. Though teens continue to push you away to gain independence, your influence is still important and a powerful force in their lives. After all, they don’t have it all figured out and are still relying on you for most aspects of their existence. They’re busier than ever and may hardly stop to have a conversation with you once they are driving, have their own romantic partner, and a range of extracurriculars that keep them out. Their daily lives are conditional – as they receive academic performance feedback daily/hourly; as they receive performance feedback on their extracurriculars; as they navigate friendships and relationships that come and go with the wind. They’ll acquire reputations – good, bad, or ugly – at school that we, as parents, have no control over though our job is to continue to see their light inside — the best of who they are — and can be. Though their independence can produce heartbreak for parents (spoken as one of the heartbroken) as they are busier and less present, they still require our reassurance that we love them no matter what, that we’ve got their backs if they need us, and though everything in their world continues to change, our love will not.

Where will they learn unconditional love if not from you?

Happy Valentine’s Day to you and your family!

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Posted on February 6, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Exiting the Blame Game; How to Take and Teach Responsibility When You Disagree

“You said I could go out with friends. It’s your fault I didn’t have time to do my homework,” says Ava, your fifteen-year-old, with heat and sincerity after she received a zero on her homework assignment. Next, your partner chimes in, “yes, you did let her go out with her friends,” with a tone of scold in his voice. All of a sudden, you feel the pointer fingers from both directions. “It’s not my homework!” you think and your heat begins to rise with the injustice of it all. You’ve been caught in the blame game. But you don’t want to play. How do you get out of that discussion preserving your own dignity and honoring the truth of the situation without pointing fingers right back at your daughter and spouse? How do you open the door to each member taking responsibility for their role in the problem? And how do you remove the blame game from family conflicts to argue in fair ways?

“You always… you never… it’s because of you that…” are all kindling that add to the fire of upset. Though it’s easy to look outside of ourselves for a reason things are going wrong — for failing, or for messing things up — looking to others prevents us from looking within. Yet, it’s our first instinct to place blame outside of ourselves beginning in early childhood. At ages five and six, children are learning the rules of school and social behavior. That is a time when they begin to tattle on others who break the rules. Developmentally, this is how a five or six-year-old learns about what is right and wrong, by pointing out and enforcing rules in others first. They then begin to internalize those rules for themselves and can call upon that inner compass to direct them as they grow and face challenges. But we are capable of learning to take responsibility and inviting others to do the same without pointing fingers and placing blame. Our children are capable too. But it will require our modeling and intentional practice. And family life – rife with conflict – is the perfect place for them to learn it.

Learning healthy, constructive, assertive (non-aggressive) ways to talk about problems when there is a conflict is key. Marshall Rosenberg, author of multiple books on nonviolent communication, clinical psychologist and one of the world’s top thought leaders on nonviolent communication, suggests that we begin with observing others. He offers a four step process (I added a fifth) for communicating with empathy in a conflict so as not to do harm. Parents can model these steps and offer practice with their children. Below are the Miller/Rosenberg’s five steps with some of my family life and developmental adaptations. 

Consider your own defensive stance in a conflict. Read through these steps and feel the sensation of how you might experience each of these if you were approached on a controversial subject in this way. Does your heart stay open? Does your mind stay open? If so, this is how we keep our loved ones engaged in working together through the problem. Accuse, blame, criticize – and all systems – heart, mind, will – shut down. When facing a conflict with family members including children or teens…

  1. Pause

If you are in a conflict with a child or family member, you are likely upset, frustrated, or angry. You are likely feeling some heated emotion in which if you respond quickly, you’re more likely to blame, judge, or criticize. So stop. Put your hand on your heart. Breath. Wait until you can feel your heart rate come down a little bit. When feeling ready to proceed with a grounded tone…

2. Observe and Share.

Though Rosenberg suggests observing first, as parents, we need to stop and take a pause in order to become intentional and not reactive. Then consider:

What do I observe – see, feel, experience – that is not contributing to my well-being or my child’s well-being?

If you are communicating with or to a child, you might say, 

“I observe that the choice to be out with friends did not allow you enough time to do homework and that is not contributing to your well-being.”

2. Articulate Feelings.

Next, share what you are observing of their heart in that moment. This creates an empathetic stance in which you are working to understand, accept, and normalize their feelings with the knowledge that all feelings are acceptable (it’s how we act on them that we may or may not be acceptable).

“You seem to be feeling frustrated and maybe unfairly judged by your teacher and unfairly guided by me. Is that right?”

This statement does not say you unfairly guided your daughter but only that she may feel unfairly guided her. It’s a subtle but important difference in your mindset as you approach her. Your only goal here is articulating feelings. Then, be sure to share your own and if your partner is involved, give him the space to share his too.

“I felt frustrated too that I tried to allow you the time you wanted with friends but had no idea how much work you had to accomplish.”

3. Articulate Needs.

After articulating feelings, highlight the needs that the feelings are calling to the fore. She’s frustrated because her needs aren’t getting met. Finding out what those needs or values are is key. And well-articulating them helps her put into words what she may not be fully aware of but feels deeply. So you might say,

“You feel frustrated because your time with friends is super important to you and not something you want to skip because you have a lot of homework.”

When articulating her needs, it’s not time to judge those needs. Needs are needs. You cannot change what she feels because of those unmet needs. So it might be easy to slip here and say something like, “but you know homework is the most important thing.” Don’t do it. We are keeping her open mind and heart in this conversation. Next, you’ll pivot toward her learning about responsible decision-making.

Your needs count in this scenario too — and your partner’s. So you might say,

“My need is to help you prioritize your time and get your needs met which includes valuable friend time and enough time to get homework accomplished.”

4. Make Requests and Consider Options.

Now it’s time to directly communicate your request, or the concrete actions you would like taken. In this example, she has already done some damage. So it’s time to repair harm. You might say,

“What can you do now to make this better with your teacher?” 

Spend a little time together problem-solving through how she might approach her teacher (email, in person?) and what she could ask for in order to make up the work she missed. Her teacher may say she has to live with the zero and that’s a tough but real consequence. It’s important to take the time to address the blaming that went on as well.

“Next time, how can we each take responsibility for our own feelings, needs and role in the situation without pointing fingers?”

And finally, be sure that you reflect on the bigger lesson of the situation — how your daughter prioritizes her time and makes responsible decisions.

“Your schooling is top priority. But we also know that time with friends is essential to your well-being. How could we have looked at both of those needs and found times for both over the course of the week instead of competing for the same afternoon?”

After reading this five-step process, you might reflect that this sounds like a lot of work. And in truth, communicating in assertive, nonviolent ways that preserve the dignity of each participant in a conflict does take work. But, like any habit, it gets easier with practice. And the reward is truly great. This is how you teach your child or teen to communicate in ways that do no harm and make responsible decisions. This is how you model communication that will help your child navigate conflict in any circumstance they find themselves in. 

Our habits in responding to conflict are first learned and rehearsed at home. So practicing these communication steps is an essential step in preparing your child for their relationships at school, in the community and will serve their well-being in their future lives. 

To learn more, check out:

Living Nonviolent Communication; Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD., 2012, Boulder, CO: Sounds True.

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Posted on January 30, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Final Call for Submissions

We’ve received some amazing submissions! Thank you if you put thought, energy, time, and passion into writing for our site. Just a reminder that tomorrow, January 31st, is the final day for submissions. If you’ve submitted, we’ll get back to you by February 5th.

Here’s more:

We hope you’ll consider writing an article for Confident Parents, Confident Kids! The site enjoys daily visitors from 152 countries around the world and a follow-ship of more than 24,000. Help initiate important dialogue making the connection between parenting at each age and stage and your children’s (and your own!) social and emotional development. 

If interested, please email confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com with the subject line: “Article Idea from an SEL Educator!” Please include your idea (parenting opportunity/challenge), how it connects to a social and emotional skill building opportunity (in your child and yourself!), and the ages/stages of children you are writing about. Also, please include a short bio or resume. All authors must have credentials/experience in education with SEL and be actively parenting in your own home. A diverse range of perspectives is encouraged. Articles must align with the research base.

You can learn more here: https://confidentparentsconfidentkids.org/invitation-for-sel-educators/. All proposed ideas are due by January 31, 2025. We’ll review and get back to you on whether you’ll be published this spring by February 5, 2025.

We hope you’ll join our parent-led community of practice by contributing! We are so excited to learn from how you are bringing to life the science of social and emotional learning and development to benefit your children in your own personal parenting!

All the best,
Jennifer Miller, Founder and…

Senior Lead Writers: Shannon Wanless, Jason Miller, Jenny Woo, Mike Wilson, Nikkya Hargrove, and Lorea Martinez

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Posted on January 28, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Remembering a Champion for Children

“If we don’t stand up for children, then we don’t stand for much”.  – Marian Wright Edelman, American Children’s Rights Activist and Former President, Children’s Defense Fund

“There is no trust more sacred than the one the world holds with children. There is no duty more important than ensuring that their rights are respected, that their welfare is protected, that their lives are free from fear and want and that they can grow up in peace.” – Kofi Annan, Seventh Secretary General, United Nations

“…in serving the best interests of children, we serve the best interests of all humanity.” – Carol Bellamy, Former Director, Peace Corps of the United States

Christine French Cully stands among the humans we most admire for a lifetime of work and dedication to children. Christine was the long-time Editor-In-Chief of Highlights Magazine and more recently, their Chief Purpose Officer. I remember her saying that childhood was a sweet season to be savored. Christine emphasized enjoying and celebrating the child right where they were – at that very age, stage and moment instead of constantly projecting them toward their future, older self. Christine emphasized listening to children…paying close attention to not only their words but what was in their heart and demonstrated through their laughter and play. She wrote:

When a child shares their inner thoughts, we are given a gift. it’s an honor and a responsibility — even a sacred trust.

Highlights Magazine, founded in 1946, has remained true to that mission of listening to children over those many years. They’ve received over two million letters and editors have responded to EVERY ONE OF THEM. Christine took the time in her career to respond to children’s letters. And children told Highlights secrets they didn’t share with anyone else. To read some of the precious letters, check out Christine French Cully’s book, Dear Highlights; What Adults Can Learn from 75 Years of Letters and Conversations with Kids.

Though I was introduced to Christine to bring insight to the data Highlights had gathered from an extensive child survey in 2018, I learned much more from her insights on the children she had listened to over many years. And personally, when she became a grandma, I saw her face light up. It was clearly her greatest joy.

May the world know more advocates who are as humble, as empathetic and as driven by a solitary purpose of children thriving. Christine French Cully, we are ever grateful for your light.

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Posted on January 23, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Invitation to SEL Educators – Call for Articles

Confident Parents, Confident Kids “merits the attention of anyone working in social, emotional and character development who wants a place to send parents for ideas and advice and dialogue.”

– Maurice Elias, Professor of Psychology; Director, Rutgers Social-Emotional and Character Development Lab; Co-Director, Rutgers Collaborative Center for Community-Based Research and Service

Not enough time to contribute to an academic journal but want to write?

Eager to reflect on how what you are learning professionally about advancing children’s social and emotional learning can help your own children?

We hope you’ll consider writing an article for Confident Parents, Confident Kids! We tried our first experiment with this last year and it was incredible! We had so many rich, interesting perspectives come from a range of experts who are also parents in the field. So join us!

The site enjoys daily visitors from 152 countries around the world and a follow-ship of more than 24,000. Help initiate important dialogue making the connection between parenting at each age and stage and your children’s (and your own!) social and emotional development. 

If interested, please email confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com with the subject line: “Article Idea from an SEL Educator!” Please include your idea (parenting opportunity/challenge), how it connects to a social and emotional skill building opportunity (in your child and yourself!), and the ages/stages of children you are writing about. Also, please include a short bio or resume. All authors must have credentials/experience in education with SEL and be actively parenting in your own home. A diverse range of perspectives is encouraged. Articles must align with the research base.

You can learn more here: https://confidentparentsconfidentkids.org/invitation-for-sel-educators/. All proposed ideas are due by January 31, 2025. We’ll review and get back to you on whether you’ll be published this winter/spring by February 5, 2025.

We hope you’ll join our parent-led community of practice by contributing! We are so excited to learn from how you are bringing to life the science of social and emotional learning and development to benefit your children in your own personal parenting!

All the best,
Jennifer Miller, M.Ed., Founder and…

Senior Lead Writers: Shannon Wanless, Jason Miller, Jenny Woo, Mike Wilson, Nikkya Hargrove, and Lorea Martinez

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Posted on January 20, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Dr. King’s Words on How We Become Masters of Our Own Fears – and Help Our Children Do the Same

We can we learn today from Dr. King's words on mastering fear?
Original Photo by William Lovelace/Express/Getty Images with Illustration by Jennifer Miller

As we move into this new year with hope and optimism for the opportunities of connection and well-being it may bring, it’s impossible not to notice that fear and anxiety seem to dominate the cold, barren landscape of January. As I coach parents and work with families weekly, anxiety in children, teens, and parents is the pervasive theme. As I tend to do each year at this time, I turn to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. for wisdom and he never disappoints.

I was amazed to discover handwritten notes archived in Stanford University’s Martin Luther King, Jr. Research and Education Institute. On July 21, 1957, Dr. King had written an outline for a sermon entitled “The Mastery of Fear.” I’m placing his notes below with my own interpretation of how they might apply to our current context while also viewing it through the lens of children’s and adult’s social and emotional development.

From Dr. King’s “The Mastery of Fear, Sermon Outline”

  • Fear is a powerfully creative force. The fear of ignorance leads to education etc … Every saving invention and every intellectual advance has behind it as a part of its motivation the desire to avoid or escape some dreaded thing. And so Angelo Patri is right in saying, “Education consist in being afraid at the right time.”

This is yet another moment when we have the chance to lead our families and teach our children HOW to channel their fear. If we are constantly afraid, we are debilitated. We’ll lose our perspective which can lead to paralysis. If we repress and suppress our fears, hiding them in our darkest depths because our intimate others cannot accept or deal with them, we’ll be consigned to those inner caverns protecting ourselves to the point of self-destruction. We isolate from sharing the deepest parts of who we are. But Dr. King asserts fear can act as a creative force. There is great power in fear if we use it as fuel for our own inventive ways to focus on child and adult thriving as a primary driver (not as a nice-to-have). Here are some questions I imagine Dr. King would offer us to consider:

  • How are we remaining present to our intimate family holding space for all of their emotions, especially the ones that challenge us the most?
  • What are the roles we play in our village and how can we be or become a stabilizing force of compassion, love and grace?
  • How can we accept the fears we have as a valuable means for channeling our creative forces?
  • How can we accept the fears our children have as a valuable means for channeling their creative forces?
  • What is the saving intention you are hatching through the ordeals – the pains, struggles – in your life? What is your own intellectual advance? How about for your family members?

And Dr. King Continues…

  • 13 So if by “a fearless man” we mean one who is not afraid of anything, we are picturing, not a wise man, but a defective mind. There are normal and abnormal fears.
  • So the difficulty of our problem is that we are not to get rid of fear altogether, but we must harness it and master it.14 Like fire it is a useful and necessary servant, but a ruinous master. It is fear when it becomes terror, panic and chronic anxiety that we must seek to eliminate.

Fearlessness is not something for which to strive, he writes. Instead he might ask us:

  • How can we harness and utilize our fire to ensure our children, teens and other family members are safe, healthy and able to learn and pursue the fires of their own passions for the betterment of humanity?
  • What happens when it feels like fear is taking over, the fire is out of control? What plans do we have to bring the flames back down and under control? Are you becoming intentional about taking regular pauses in your day to manage the flames? Check out the Family Emotional Safety Plan as one way to do that.

And finally, from Dr. King’s Sermon Outline…

  • How do we master fear
    • Of basic importance in mastering fear is the need of getting out in the open the object of our fear and frankly facing it. Human life is full of secret fears.
    • A further step in mastering fear is to remember that it always involves the misuse of the imagination.

What if we sense our children or teens are harboring secret fears? In my experience, a healthy response requires parents being vulnerable themselves. So…

  • How can you raise the topic of fears with your family and share some of your own and how you manage them?
  • How can you revisit this conversation so that there is a regular safe place for your children to name their fears?

Inherit in Dr. King’s naming of the misuse of imagination is the call to use imagination in healthy ways. Your mind can wander like a runaway train down the track of catastrophe and worst case scenarios. And that rumination can leave you in destructive and defeatist thinking. So…

  • How can we begin to engage our imagination in ways that envision and even take steps toward Dr. King’s Beloved Community?
  • How can we begin to engage our imagination in ways that envision an education system in which all children are safe, valued and thriving?
  • How can we engage our children in envisioning leaving the world a better place for their being in it? 
  • And importantly, how can we join with others in imagining together? Dr. King knew collective imagining would lead to positive change.

It can only come about if we dream it together first. Thank you once again, Dr. King. We are grateful.

Reference:

King, M.L., Jr. (1957). The mastery of fear (Sermon). Montgomery, AL: Stanford University The Martin Luther King, Jr. Research and Education Institute. 

From Dr. King’s References:

13. Fosdick, On Being a Real Person, p. 110: “Angelo Patri is right in saying, ‘Education consists in being afraid at the right time.’” Fosdick may have gotten this quote from William H. Burnham’s book The Normal Mind (New York: D. Appleton, 1924), p. 417. Patri, an educator and expert on child psychology, disavowed any use of fear in child-rearing (Child Training [New York: D. Appleton, 1922], pp. 19, 250).

14. Fosdick, The Hope of the World, p. 60: “Indeed, this is the difficulty of our problem, that our business is not to get rid of fear but to harness it, curb it, master it.”

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Posted on January 16, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Amidst the Winter Blahs…Dealing with Children and Teens’ Lack of Motivation

Post-break winter days seem to be a time when there’s more pressure to perform and less energy for all that performing. Dealing with the extra scarves, boots, and gloves in the morning, the icy streets on the way to school, and the heat blasting drying our skin until it cracks, adds just that little extra chaos and discomfort to throw us off. Lack of movement and lack of fresh air can also contribute to not sleeping well and not feeling our best. Not only are these conditions that may challenge our own motivation, but our children’s motivation can become an even greater challenge.

We sense as parents and educators that finding just that right way to engage a child in learning will turn a magical key and motivate a child or teen to work hard to learn what they are expected to learn. Motivation is simply a reason to act. And for adults who work with children, there are numerous moments in every day when we are attempting to inspire or cajole our child into acting in a particular way. Though we know it’s critical, the methods to provide that reason can allude us. And as I’ve heard from some, “I’ve tried it all.” 

From stickers to pizza parties, from payments to candy, adults often resort to extrinsic motivators to get children to get going. But in fact, extrinsic motivators, as the term implies, moves the focus from a child’s internal sense of control to controlling behaviors through outside forces. This can remove some of a child’s sense of agency. And it always takes away their ability to grow essential life skills because they are not allowed the practice of self-discipline, an inner strength, but instead are manipulated by a Jolly Rancher. Though temporarily, stickers or stars can move a child to action, they do not influence their moral development – “this is the right thing to do,” or “this requires hard work” – and so they do not change behavior when you are not present or over time. Remove the sticker and you remove the behavior. 

Emotions and motivation are inextricably linked.1 Emotions fuel our motivation to act. Emotions like happiness, excitement, and curiosity send an “approach” signal and increase energy, optimism, and motivation. Emotions like worry, frustration, or fear send the “avoid” message to steer away from whatever is concerning. With school work producing a whole host of emotions including the avoidance cues, how do we help our students stay engaged?

Here are some simple ideas to engage your child or teen’s motivation to work hard and also, to deal with the tougher emotions that work against motivation.

Listen and observe first.

What is motivating your child or teen to not want to act/work hard/take responsibility? Are they avoiding failure? Is their inner critic on the loud speaker? Are they scared of what peers might think? Discover what the motivational road blocks are before attempting to address the problem. Not only will that insight help you decide on a better response, but it will also create empathy so that you intervene with patience and understanding.

Articulate and normalize feelings.

When you notice that family members are more stressed, when you notice irrational statements, or avoidance behaviors (your child runs to her room and shuts the door hoping to shut out the world), it’s time to focus on their hearts. The embarrassment of having big feelings can add to the struggle. So helping your child or teen become more self aware by identifying what you see, feel and experience with them not only helps normalize their feelings but brings down the heat as they begin to feel understood.

We put up a simple feelings list in the winter time as a reminder. Here’s one you can use! 

Take care of your own feelings – particularly anxiety and frustration.

Yes, emotions are contagious. If you are feeling those avoidance feelings, you may be unwittingly making it harder for your child or teen to feel motivated. You might ask yourself: what can I do daily to help myself return to a place of calm? Journaling, meditation, deep breathing, and exercise can help. Also learning about your child’s or teen’s development and healthy ways you can respond adds to your sense of agency and competence and reduces anxiety.

Co-create a plan for homework frustrations.

You know it’s gonna happen. Your child or teen WILL get frustrated. And that frustration can derail them for some time. It can even mean that an assignment goes unfinished or a test not studied for. So sit down with your student and make a plan! Try out a short brain break. Check out these coping strategies to help your child feel better during their brain break.

Review your routines and each family members’ responsibilities.

Those daily routines can make a significant difference in how your student feels at school whether they get enough sleep at night because of a consistent bedtime routine or whether they get to school focused because of a calm, connected morning routine. Check out this video on the morning routine. Write out a plan for the routine with younger children. Checklists tend to work great for teens who can own their own checklists.

Find moments for creativity and joy.

Perhaps you’ve put away gifts from the holidays. Bring them out for a little playtime. Turn up the music and get your dance on during a homework break. Put out art supplies or a puzzle and see what happens. Engage in some joy and creativity together. When you know it will contribute to your child or teen’s motivation to work hard, it’s worth taking some time out to insert activities in which you’ll be fully present and enjoy each other.

Use direct language.

When it’s time to focus and get to work, share that in a direct way. “Time to get to work.” Nagging or repeating yourself can lead to power struggles inviting argumentation and negotiation.

Prompt student to set own goals for work/learning.

You can begin a homework session by asking your child what their goals are in the time they have. Allow them to set their own goals on how they will focus, how they will work, and when they hope to break. These choices offer them a sense of agency and control over the process. And the goals aim their focus.

Partner with your child’s teachers or teen’s advisor.

If you are concerned about your child’s performance or level of engagement, meet with your child’s teacher to discuss. Even a brief meeting can assure you and your student’s teacher that you are working together toward the same goals – your child’s success. You might ask, “what can we do at home to support what you are doing at school?” We, as responsible parents, may double down at this time and forget that we don’t have to do it all. We have partners who we can engage with to offer extra support at a time when it’s needed most.

Yes, treats at the end of a school day certainly can light up a child’s face when they come home. But they shouldn’t be bait for a particular behavior. In fact, you’ll show your child or teen that you have confidence in them when you trust their inner compass. They too want to be successful in school. They may just need a little extra support this time of year (as we all do). May you feel that support from this parenting village! 

Happy new year! 

References: 

  1. Roseman I. J. (2008). Motivations and emotivations: approach, avoidance, and other tendencies in motivated and emotional behavior, in Handbook of Approach and Avoidance Motivation, ed. Elliot A. J. (New York: Psychology Press; ), 343–366

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Posted on January 9, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Ushering in a Year of Meaning-Making

As I watch the deer silently foraging in my backyard while the ground is fully coated in white snow, I wonder about what this year will bring for my family and yours. The start of the new year is a natural time for reflection and if you live in a cold climate as I do, the bareness of the landscape creates ideal conditions in its quiet and simplicity. At Confident Parents, we’ve just come through our twelfth year and we continue to learn and grow with you, our parenting community. There are a few key truths that have emerged over those years of parenting and observing our children. 

  • Change is constant and persistent in our children’s learning and development which requires us, as parents, to observe, reflect, learn, change, and adjust as their needs alter our lives. 
  • Change is constant in the world. The rapid pace of technology’s development and influence in our lives puts us as parents often in a reactive place as we orient ourselves to how new devices, new apps, and now artificial intelligence will impact our children’s lives whether in school or at home. 
  • Our children’s experiences and our teen’s experiences cannot be compared to our own since the context they are growing up in is vastly different than what we encountered. So we, as parents, are reinventing what it means to offer the support and conducive conditions for our children to flourish now and in their future. 
  • Our children’s and teen’s flourishing requires a complex path of attending to their physical, social, and emotional well-being as well as their knowledge acquisition. This learning takes place in every space and place in their lives and most often comes through relationships.
  • There is no one way. There is no perfect way. And the more we learn from one another, the more we grow in our connectedness, support, and learning.

All this change and complexity can create fear in us…fear of the unknown changes ahead; fear of how technology is impacting our children and teens; fear of whether our children will be ready to tackle their academic challenges, or their interpersonal challenges, or their health and growth challenges. If we allow fear to creep into our days and rule our decision-making (and it can happen without our full awareness), our choices – our words and actions – will come from instinct and impulse. And we know that responsible decisions are typically not made in that way.

Responsible decisions instead require that we get quiet, pause, reflect on our higher values and how those values can be enacted through our choices, words, and actions.

Because we are all busy in keeping up with our ever-changing careers, supporting our children’s school and learning, and running our family’s lives, we will not slow down enough to truly reflect individually, as partners, and as a family unless we prioritize it as essential to our well-being and flourishing.

We do understand that essential learning for our children in who they are becoming (their self identity) and how they relate to others comes first through our modeling. And then, we can deepen that learning through supported practice and coaching. So as we are attempting to teach them responsibility, an important place to start is in how we lead our families to be reflective, to make meaning together. Research confirms that the process of meaning-making adds to our health and happiness. In order to gain the benefits of meaning making, there are three areas that research focuses on including reflecting on the significance of our lives (Why do we matter? How do we matter?); coherence (or how do we make sense of things and things make sense to us); and purpose (or what is our big why in being and/or in doing).1

So in 2025, we are ushering in a year of meaning-making with our families. In it, we’ll take regular pauses to ask questions of meaning and explore them together. Some of the important conditions of this meaning making are:

  1. When we ask big questions, they’ll be no RIGHT answer. 
  2. Meaning can be made through family dialogue and co-constructed. Instead of one person offering a definitive perspective, we can bring our ideas together around central questions and decide how we choose to perceive what we experiencing.
  3. The stories we tell and how we make sense of them become evidence of our families’ culture and values.
  4. These stories build trust, care and collaboration among us.
  5. They offer a foundation of support for all times but become especially important when we endure hard times or one or more of us experience pain. 

Making meaning of world events, national leaders’ choices, school events, course content (a book assigned for school), community and neighborhood news, and family and friend choices are all fodder for asking these big questions.

In a year of meaning-making with our families, we might ask questions like:

  • In the big picture, what really matters to us? How are we showing what matters to us through our words and actions?
  • What is our purpose? What is our big why? Yes, children need to understand the why of their education, of their day-to-day lives as much as we do to keep in focus how their efforts contribute to something bigger and important.
  • How are we making a difference in others’ lives? What are ways in which we could be making a difference in new ways?
  • How are we seeking truth? How can we understand how the stories we are telling came into being? Have our views changed and why? What are new or emerging truths and how do they make us feel?
  • What are our highest aspirations for who we are becoming?
  • How can we reexamine stories that may sabotage our sense of agency, stories of lack, criticism, or not-enoughness? What new stories can replace outdated stories? And how can we name our children’s inner voices – their inner critic and their inner wisdom – to call forth the one that will best support their confidence, capacity, and courage?

“The universe is made of stories, not atoms,” wrote poet Muriel Rukeyzer.2

How can we co-create stories over our dinner tables this season and this year that tell of our family wisdom and how we are bringing our best selves to contribute to one another and our communities?

We wish you a healthy, happy and confident new year! 

Thank you for your participation in the Confident Parents, Confident Kids’ parenting village! We reached a milestone in 2024 of over one million views! With a number of new valuable partnerships, we’ll have many announcements to make this coming year for more supports for parents and caregivers in doing the most meaningful job in the world. We are here because of you!

References:

  1. Hicks, J.A., & King, L.A. (2021). Three ways to see meaning in your life. Struggling to find a sense of meaning in life? Researchers have found three different pathways to it. Greater Good Science Center, Nov. 2. 
  2. Rukeyser, M. (1968). The speed of darkness. NY: Random House.
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