Key Ways to Promote Responsibility without Punishment
This time of transition between the end of the school year and summer beginning can be a jarring transition for parents and children alike. We are excited about the better weather and the opportunity for free time. Yet, tasks still need to be accomplished and the stack of events in May and early June pack our schedule and make us all feel frenzied. When times are busier, they are ripe for children to make poor choices. They may need more attention that we are not capable of providing. They may be comparing themselves to peers and feeling “not enough” as others receive academic and sports awards at school year’s end. Add hunger or tiredness and the time pressures of a busy schedule and you’ve got an upset child. Sometimes, that upset results in poor choices that may impact you or your family. And because you may also be tired, hungry, and overworked, your response may not represent your true values about what you want to teach them. So the time might be ripe for this reminder about ways to respond to poor choices that promote responsibility. Old habits or outdated beliefs might kick in that lead you to nagging, yelling, or even punishing. So let’s take a pause to examine why it’s so critical to promote responsibility in ways that exercise the skill and build your child’s inner moral compass.
Some parents feel that if they do not impose punishments, their child will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate and that somehow they won’t be doing their job in teaching the lesson of responsibility. Time and again, however, research confirms that punishment is ineffective and in fact, creates more poor choices.1 When a child is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. This is what they focus on – licking their wounds (read: victim state) – and not seeing themselves as responsible agents. This overwhelming sense of fear or hurt impacts their relationship with you – “why are they trying to hurt me?” – while also failing to teach them the appropriate constructive behavior and build a skill. Your child is likely to miss the lesson you want to emphasize entirely while feeling unsafe and sometimes, unfairly wronged.
Pay attention when you use punishments to whether or not the poor choice is made again to know if the lesson was learned. Punishment creates a vicious cycle in which a child feels badly about themselves and repeats the behaviors that are expected of a “bad child.” To interrupt this cycle, parents need to learn to actively support their child in repairing harm and taking active ownership for their role in the problem.
“A child who complies in the hope of getting a reward or avoiding a punishment is not, as we sometimes say, ‘behaving themselves.’ It would be more accurate to say the reward or punishment is behaving him.” writes researcher and leading educational reformer Alfie Kohn.2 When we turns our backs, the behavior repeats because the skill has not been practiced, nor has a value or lesson been internalized.
Using physical force, such as spanking is also highly ineffective. A meta-analysis of five decades of research conclusively showed that spanking a child results in short-term negative outcomes like aggression and defiance and long-term outcomes like substance abuse.3
We do not desire raising obedient humans. We desire raising hearts and minds that are self aware that they have a role and responsibility in every challenge that occurs. We want them to exercise the actions of taking responsibility so that they understand what that looks like and feels like. That’s true self awareness and responsible decision-making.
Take a Pause First – Regardless of the Situation.
Our children are our chief button-pushers. When problems arise, when children act with defiance or attempt to bait us into a power struggle, it’s rattling. We are not weak or uninformed or even bad parents for that shake-up. It’s simply how mother nature set us up to be certain to pay attention to our kids when they need our attention. But how we respond to that rattling is key. Why quickly respond when you know that impulse will lead your decision-making? Show your child how to self manage by modeling it yourself in those key moments of challenge. Pause. Close your eyes if you need to. Go inside. Slow down. Breathe. Take your time. Slow down time. Yes, you’ve heard this before but there’s an important reason. It can make all of the difference in whether or not you respond with a clear head and with emotional intelligence at the fore.
Guide your Children to Repair Harm.
Children may feel bad about themselves after they have made a poor choice and harmed another. Perhaps they’ve struggled with controlling their impulses. Sometimes in that moment, children can feel overwhelmed as if all of the important people in their lives are mad at them and like nothing they can do or say can make things better.
Help them practice making good choices after they have caused harm. You might say, “Let’s think of ways we can make this better.” Generate ideas together. “I could hug my sister and tell her I’m sorry?” Then offer support as they fix a broken toy, repair a ripped book, or offer a popsicle to a child they’ve knocked down. I often find myself saying to E when a friend gets hurt, “Go check on him. Ask if he’s okay or if he needs a bandaid.” The more practice children get thinking about and putting caring energy into repairing both physical and emotional damage, the better equipped they will be for situations in which serious damage has occurred and they need to be strong and make better choices. And in turn, when they have been hurt, they will be more ready to give a second chance to their offender. In addition, discuss the consequences of not forgiving. “If you do not forgive Sammy for taking your Lego piece, what will happen to your friendship?”
For older children and teens, the issues only become more complex and so too, the need for guidance around how to repair harm and forgive. When teens harm, talk through together the ways in which they can repair relationships. Often, they need to be heard and understood first since their big emotions will be center stage if they are having friendship or peer difficulties. Taking responsibility can mean coming back to the person you’ve fought with and saying, “I realize I was frustrated with you. Here’s why. I hope we can work it out.”
You can coach your teen that they have choices. First, with a friendship they want to preserve or in a sibling relationship, they can communicate any ways in which they’ve done harm and take responsibility for their own behavior. This step in a relationship can open a safe space for a friend or peer to do the same but it doesn’t always work. The friend may not always take that opportunity to own their wrong-doing. So then, it’s up to your teen to do their own internal heart work to ensure they are letting go of anger they may be holding. Your support can help them through that process.
Follow Through with Your Child.
It can take great courage to own your role in a problem with a peer, a friend, or an adult. And our children will not automatically understand how to repair harm in a relationship. Adults struggle with this. So our children require our support. After you’ve thought through together what words or actions they will take, assist them in following through if they require it. If they’ve broken a neighbor’s flowerpot, walk over to the neighbor with them. Don’t apologize for them. But be there as a support when they step up and repair harm.
Reflect.
Be sure you reflect on the full experience to help your child internalize the learning. We all make poor choices. It’s how we respond. It’s that next choice that makes all of the difference. So think through together how your child took responsibility. Also consider: did the relationship become stronger? Often it does when we know that a relationship won’t break just because there’s been a challenge.
The lesson of responsibility is one of our top roles and gifts we can give our children. We know we don’t want them to blame or become defensive. We want them to stand tall and take ownership over their words and actions. Admit when they have caused harm. We want them to take steps to make things better. We want them to understand there is always a next chance to make a responsible choice.
References:
- Baumrind, D. (1966). Effects of authoritative parental control on child behavior. Child Development, 37(4), 887–907.
- Kohn, A. (1999). Punished by Rewards; The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise and Other Bribes. NY, NY: Houghton Mifflin.
- Gershoff, E. T., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2016). Spanking and child outcomes: Old controversies and new meta-analyses. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), 453–469. doi:10.1037/ fam0000191
- Straus, M. A., & Stewart, J. H. (1999). Corporal punishment by American parents: National data on prevalence, chronicity, severity, and duration, in relation to child and family characteristics. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 2, 55–70.
A nonviolent upbringing of children is also the foundation of peaceful societies says Austrian peace researcher Franz Jedlicka (“The forgotten Peace Formula”).