By Guest Author Melissa Benaroya, MSW, LICSW

The world is a very complex place, and according to the US Surgeon General, raising children is more challenging and stressful than it has been for previous generations. Helping children become more self-aware, teaching them to take the perspective of others, express empathy, and navigate their emotions positively while managing conflict is more important than ever in today’s polarized world.  These skills will allow children to develop healthy, harmonious relationships and be positive contributors to their community.

“Civility is an act of showing regard and respect for others including politeness, consideration, tact, good manners, graciousness, cordiality, affability, amiability, and courteousness.”¹

Because disagreements and divisions are highly visible in our children’s world, from overhearing conversations in public to viewing events and opinions reported in social media debates, it is essential for them to learn how to engage with others respectfully, even — and especially — when opinions clash. Teaching civility involves helping children to become more self-aware and understand that there are many ways to view the same circumstances. They need to learn that even when someone sees things differently, they deserve to be treated with respect. The benefits of being more self-aware, curious, and open to others’ perspectives lay the foundation for better conflict management, increased empathy, and stronger social connections.

Teaching Empathy

Empathy is the ability to “put yourself in someone else’s shoes,” which allows one to better recognize and acknowledge the feelings of another. Expressing empathy allows us to truly connect and communicate to the other person that we hear and see that person. We are all capable of empathy, and the more we develop it in ourselves and our children, the more we can recognize that behind every opinion and action is a person with a unique set of experiences and feelings.

As parents and caregivers, the most powerful way to nurture empathy is by modeling and showing empathy during our daily interactions with children. And that simple act can transform how they react to challenges in particular. When children have big emotions, are misbehaving, or struggling with a conflict, we can model empathy with a simple one-line statement such as “It’s so hard.” For example: “It’s so hard to stop playing and go to bed” rather than “Quit complaining, or you won’t get to read any books before bed!”. The use of one simple empathetic statement, like “It’s so hard,” “Oh no,” or “You seem/look/sound…” will cue the parent to check on their own emotional state first, self-soothe, and calm down before saying anything. While at the same time, the parent acknowledges the child’s thoughts and feelings. 

Expressing compassion for your child rather than dismissing or diminishing their emotions will allow you to act based on what is happening, not what you are feeling. While on the surface, using a single empathetic statement sounds simple, the application can be quite challenging. For me, it took years of practice! Check out the resource at the end of the article if you want to learn more about how to do this.

Practice with Perspective-Taking

The ability to take another person’s perspective requires one to better understand the foundations of their own perspective, which is grounded in both where that person has stood in the past and where they stand now in the moment. Research has shown that it is a combination of both past and present experiences and how we have interpreted them that influence our current thoughts, feelings, and actions.²  Being able to take another’s perspective is critical in promoting civility in children because it allows them to appreciate dissimilar opinions, which then reduces the possibility of conflict and misunderstanding. 

One effective way to teach perspective-taking is through structured activities. Board games such as Apples to Apples, Battleship, HedBanz, and Guess Who? are fun ways to nurture perspective-taking skills. Another way to practice this skill that doesn’t require purchasing a game is an exercise where children are presented with different scenarios and asked to guess how various people involved might feel. This process not only encourages children to think beyond their own experiences but also provides them with a framework for responding more thoughtfully to others. 

Regulating Conflict with Emotion Coaching

Emotion coaching helps parents guide their children through life’s ups and downs in a way that builds confidence, resilience, and strong relationships. Developed by Dr. John Gottman, author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, this process helps children learn how emotions work and how to behave in healthy ways when strong feelings arise that help them thrive socially and academically.³ Here are a few of the emotion coaching steps that you can incorporate into your problem-solving conversations with your child: 

1. Listen and validate. 

Listen empathetically and respond to your child’s thoughts and experiences by affirming them. Encourage your child to tell his or her story. For example, “Hey buddy, tell me what happened.” Then, reflect back on what the child said or paraphrase with something like “It sounds like you are feeling ________(include feeling word), is that right?”

2. Help your child label emotions. 

It’s important that you allow your child to label his or her own feelings, instead of dictating how to feel. Listen in a way that shows you’re paying attention and taking your child seriously, and don’t dismiss any emotions as silly or unimportant. 

3. Set limits while problem-solving. 

Set a limit on the behavior or choice your child expresses while acknowledging his or her emotions. For example, say, “It’s okay to feel/want ________, but it’s not okay to do or say ________.” Once the limit has been set, ask your child what he or she wants or needs. Then brainstorm together a few different ways to resolve the situation that are both safe and respectful. Help your child evaluate those ideas based on your family’s values. For example, we take responsibility for the messes we make. Let him or her choose what to do to fix the problem, try again, or try the next time the problem occurs.

Integrating empathy, perspective-taking, and emotion coaching into daily parenting practices are powerful and effective ways to teach children civility because children learn best by observing the adults in their lives. These skills not only allow children to better navigate the complexities of human interactions and enhance their own personal relationships but will also foster a more compassionate and unified world. 

Resource:

Check out Melissa Benaroya’s FREE Keep Calm Course on the practice of empathy: Keep Calm Mini Course. 

Reference:

1. Organizing Engagement, & The National Institute for Civil Discourse. Principles: Civility. Organizing Engagement. Retrieved on 11/4/2024.
2. Gerace, Adam & Day, Andrew & Casey, Sharon & Mohr, Philip. (2015). Perspective Taking and Empathy: Does Having Similar Past Experience to Another Person Make It Easier to Take Their Perspective?. Journal of Relationships Research. 6. e10, 1-14. 10.1017/jrr.2015.6. 
3. Gottman, J. (1998). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child; The Heart of Parenting. NY: Simon and Schuster.

Melissa Benaroya, MSW, LICSW, is a Seattle-based parent coach, speaker, and author. She created the Childproof Parenting online course and co-authored the book The Childproof Parent. Melissa provides parents with the tools and support they need to raise healthy children and find more joy in parenting. Melissa offers parent coaching and classes and is a keynote speaker both locally and internationally. Check out Melissa’s blog for more great tips on common parenting issues.

For more great resources on civility, check out the CivilTalk Podcast! The most recent episode features Confident Parents’ Friend and Collaborator Maurice Elias on Teaching Beyond Tests: Life Skills and Civil Discourse in Schools. You’ll also discover episodes featuring Confident Parents’ Lorea Martinez on Emotional Intelligence and School Leadership and Jennifer Miller on Building an Emotionally Aware Family.