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Posted on December 5, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Promoting Healthy Holiday Habits during the Busiest Time of the Year

Extra late nights studying and writing papers have become a nightly gig for our high school student as extracurriculars fill after school time. For us, work deadlines loom, meetings are stacked up before break, and the daily list of gift buying, wrapping, decorating, and generally preparing for the holidays ahead keep all of us on hyperdrive in December. During a meeting at my son’s school today, I heard just how many people were home sick – a lot! Staff were talking about family coming in to town soon and how much they had to finish up before any celebrating could begin. It’s crunch time and it can wear us down even before we make it to the festivities.

When my son was in second grade in this time leading up to winter break, I recall he burst into tears as his friends waited at our door to play. He had fallen up our stairs and gashed his shin on the metal rims of the hall steps. I plopped on the floor to comfort him and as he turned to me, he said, “Mom, you told me to hurry.” And it stopped me in my tracks. Why? Why did he need to hurry? In my mind, I had a million tasks to accomplish including facilitating his tasks – homework, dinner, and holiday preparations. I had thought it could be good for him to get outside and run around with his pals for a short time. But I was pressuring him to hurry up and why? Quick, go examine bugs under the rocks?! As he ran out and the door shut, I noticed the quiet in our house and really stopped for the first time. What was I doing?

With the holiday season upon us – no matter what holiday you are celebrating – you may be feeling similarly – fully in the throes of too much to do with too little time. And the knot in your tummy may be growing as mine has been. In a time when I want to produce joy for my family, I realize I am a lesser version of what I can be because of stress. I know I will get to this stressed-out place well before the holidays happen. And somehow I feel powerless to stop it. There’s still work to get accomplished before taking time off. There’s still the same amount of presents to buy for others (and actually, more as E’s friends and connections grow). There’s still cookies to bake, decorations to hang, and packages to send.

And so I write this post to help myself as much as you think about and deal with the situation we find ourselves in. In the very midst of the chaos, how can we keep our calm center? And how can we recall that our state of mind and being will impact the way others experience our celebrations together? Our stress will show. And whether we like or not, it’s contagious. It spreads like a virus and others get snappy and agitated – not conducive attitudes for cooperation more less jubilation.

Whether you are celebrating Hanukkah, Christmas, or Kwanzaa, all of the major holidays this season celebrate light in the darkness. And that’s the gift I most want to give my family and the one I think they will appreciate beyond the “stuff.” Yes, I’ll bring gifts. But more importantly, I am setting an intention to prepare myself for the experience of celebrating with family and friends. I plan to deck our halls with a feeling of peace and joy and appreciation for our abundance. And I know that has to begin with me. Here are a few things I plan to do that, maybe, you’ll consider for yourself.

Engage in deep breathing each day. I was in the habit of taking ten deep breaths before I launched into work each morning but my routine fell away as the season crowded my moments. So I plan to return to this practice to set a tone for my day.

You might also consider: How can I include moments of pause or quiet with my children to help them feel that sense of calm?

Get exercise and fresh air. The routine of breathing outside and getting to the gym could easily also fall away with the season. But I know these are the activities that keep me centered, focused and feeling resilient. So I plan to make special arrangements while my son is home over the extended break so that I am sure to keep my routines sacred for the benefit of my whole family. We have a new bird feeder and we enjoy watching the birds and squirrels gather around it. This year, I’m involving family members in topping it off when it gets low, just one way we all get outside a little.

You might consider: How can we as a family get outside and breathe the fresh air together?

Mentally prepare before events. My sparkling outfit is not as important as the demeanor, the tone, or the mood I bring to any celebration. Whether it’s in my own home, at a friend’s house, or in a restaurant, the way I engage with others matters greatly. It can mean the difference between really connecting or “phoning it in” without true interchange. There may be individuals that you celebrate with only one time a year. This is that moment, that unique opportunity to bring your focused attention to them. I will set my own intention to focus on the present before I go so that when I arrive, I am ready to fully engage with whoever comes my way. I’ll stop and take a pause before leaving the house or answering the doorbell. This small step can have a ripple effect on my own and my family’s experience of the holidays. I know this will set an example and tone for my child. I notice when I’m stressed, he’s stressed. But when I’m calm and engaging with others, he does the same.

You might consider: How can we as a family take a pause before going to our social gatherings this season?

Set goals for connection. When you go to a party, you likely anticipate who you’ll see. Sometimes that anticipation creates anxiety if you’ve had challenges with individuals in the past or if those individuals view you in ways that you do not view yourself. Those interactions can be opportunities for your own growth in social and emotional competence. Instead of dreading those who challenge you, ask yourself three important questions.

  • What can I learn from this individual who challenges me?
  • How can I begin to understand their perspective and feel compassion for them?
  • How do I want to show up in that conversation?

I know that if I model curiosity and compassion, that will have a direct impact on how my child interacts with others. I want to leave a party feeling like I know more about the individuals that I met than I did when walking into the room. And what if I also learned more about myself by attempting to relinquish worries about what I’m saying and what messages I’m communicating about my life but focus on learning about others, finding common ground and sharing my ability to be empathetic and show care?

You might also consider: how can I coach my child when they are struggling with social anxieties to discover what they are learning about themselves and others?

Insert mindfulness rituals into your gatherings. We are so looking forward to a quiet evening with dear friends to share in a quiet sacred ritual of burning evergreens in a home fire to recognize the passing from light to darkness on the shortest day of the year, the winter solstice. We include a guided meditation/visualization that children and teens can join in on and reflective journaling to prompt reflections too. Consider how you might include your own mindfulness practices into your celebrations. Perhaps it’s reading aloud a passage or a poem you are inspired by? Or maybe you take time as a family to take three deep breaths before eating a meal? You don’t have to fit in your own stress management strategies around the edges of the holiday. Find ways to include it and it will assist all members in being focused and present with one another.

Consider: How can I include a simple mindful ritual into our family traditions?

Say “no” when it’s too much. Instead of cramming each activity into every space of time in the few weeks left in the year, consider what might be too much. Have you accounted for quiet rest time? Have you considered how the pace will impact family members? We rarely plan our schedules for our mental well-being but particularly in this season of over-commitment, it can be worth asking, “What do we really want or need to do?” “When can we get in rest time?” and “Are there plans we need to say “no” to?

You might consider: Our children will struggle with saying no since they are often the receivers of plans, not the designers. How can you lead careful reflections of your child’s activities with your child (or as a family) and together decide what’s reasonable and what is too much?

Express gratitude daily. The holiday season is a time of high contrasts – tremendous sorrow missing loved ones that have passed on or reflecting upon our tough circumstances and then, also feeling the magic, imagination, and sheer bliss of children’s experience of the traditions surrounding the holidays. It’s an emotional time. So it requires us to become more planful about our big emotions. One way to balance out our adult angst is to express gratitude with our children daily. Whether you mention your gratitude over breakfast, during the ride home from school or at bedtime, kids will benefit by actively appreciating all that they have. And you will benefit by recognizing the goodness in your life. It will assist you as you set a tone with your family.

Consider: Do you have a specific time daily when you are with your family that you could express gratitude together?

Carving out time and space for your mental well-being may seem like another “to do” to add to the list. But consider the fact that paying attention to the tone of your family and setting an example will give you energy and motivation as you gently experience your days. The gift of your attention certainly is one of the most important for your children and indeed, your whole family. Consider how you might deck your halls with psychological well-being this season!

Happy holidays!

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Posted on December 3, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Teaching Children About the Spirit of the Season by Showing Compassion Together

By Nikkya Hargrove

The holidays can be tough for all of us for many different reasons. For some of us, it involves the emotional and physical roller coaster ride of buying family and friends gifts, teachers gifts, and shuffling from school events to work events. And then there are the added financial burdens just to name a few. There is a way to replenish our tank when it feels like we are no longer running on the fumes of joy during the holiday season — volunteering together. Giving back during the holidays is one of the most renewing activities a person can do, especially with one’s family. Deciding we can go out and help others is exactly what my family and I choose to do around the holidays. While volunteering is and should be a year-long endeavor, it is particularly special to interact with people and spread a little extra joy during the holiday season.

From discussion to action, volunteering helps support our children’s and our own growing social and emotional skills and contributes to a sense of well-being for those serving and for those receiving. Who doesn’t want to know that someone cares? For me, that is what volunteering, both indirect and direct, is all about. Have you tried sitting and writing a note of gratitude to someone you don’t know and leaving it in a high traffic area for a random person to pick up? And let’s go one step further. Can you imagine being the one to receive the note? It could be a simple “Have a good day” or “You are amazing”! We know words matter and mean so much.

One Thanksgiving past, my family and I decided to help the homeless in our neighboring communities. We went shopping for hygiene supplies, headed to McDonald’s to purchase $5 gift cards, and with the items we’d purposefully collected, we packed each backpack with love and care. While in the store, we talked about which items a homeless person could use. We talked about what being homeless meant, especially during the winter months. We talked about the why of volunteering and why we decided to help a particular community with great need while building our children’s empathetic thinking. Once we finished packing the bags, we went to the intentional communities our local homeless population created and listened. We went into their makeshift homes. We asked what their other needs were. We carefully listened. As we left, we were waved on our way by grateful humans who were touched that someone took the time to care about their needs and wanted nothing in return.

Volunteering is an opportunity to increase one’s social awareness about issues that need more attention, like homelessness and poverty.

Volunteering builds one’s capacity to communicate effectively. Communication is key.

My family and I had a job that day. We needed to work together towards our common goal – building our collaboration skills. Our first goal was to shop for the items. Then we needed to communicate effectively with one another to understand what was going into the bags. From parents to kids, there was a job for everyone. Everyone had a purpose along the way. 

Once we were in the car, traveling towards the predetermined locations, everyone also had a job: to look out for any homeless person – someone holding a sign asking for help. And they did. When they saw someone, I, as the resident driver, would head in that person’s direction. My twin daughters were responsible for handing out the McDonalds gift cards to each person. I knew we’d chosen the right activity for our family that Thanksgiving when the kids argued over who would give out the final gift card.

And it didn’t stop there. The kids learned how incredibly grateful they were for their warm car, their full bellies, and the opportunity to be with their family members – people who loved them and supported them. As we reflected together on our experience, we recognized another important part about our day… everyone we met wanted to be heard and seen. The act of volunteering did exactly that for all. 

Nikkya Hargrove is an alum of Bard College and a 2012 Lambda Literary Fellow. She has written for the The New York Times, The Guardian, The Washington Post, Taproot Magazine, Elle, and more. Her memoir, Mama: A Black, Queer Woman’s Journey to Motherhood, is forthcoming from Algonquin Books. She lives in Connecticut with her one son and two daughters and is a staff writer for Scary Mommy. Learn more at https://www.nikkyamhargrove.com.

Congratulations Confident Parent Nikkya Hargrove on your courageous new book “Mama; A Queer Black Woman’s Story of a Family Lost and Found.” Check it out!

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Posted on November 26, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Using Thanksgiving to Kickstart a Year of Gratitude

After a series of four workshops with high school students earlier this year where we taught them “leadership skills” like deep and reflective listening, empathy, elevating marginalized and quieter voices, and co-creating solutions to problems together, we received lots of positive feedback from the students on how it impacted them. Among other comments, one student said:

“Grateful to be a part of a community that has space for my strengths and individuality.”

In fact, this reflection of one student’s experience reflects larger studies done with tweens, teens, and college students too. Researchers have found that when students bring a grateful mindset to a group, they feel a greater sense of connectedness and they feel seen, heard, and valued.1 This has larger ripple effects on their physical and mental well-being as well. They are far less likely to have headaches, stomach aches and runny noses. And also, far less likely to struggle with anxiety and depression. They are more likely to feel a sense of belonging at school and have healthy relationships. This can contribute directly to their academic success. The benefits are equally powerful for younger children and adults as well. 

This holiday is an ideal time to model gratitude for all of those present around your table. Though you may gather with extended family or friends who hold differing worldviews, this is the time to come together to be grateful for the many ways we are connected and the many ways we are blessed. Focusing on our connections and the best of each individual around our table makes feeling genuine gratitude possible.

So if gratitude is so good for our well-being and our children’s, why don’t we embrace gratitude and practice it like we would make a point of doing physical exercise each day or taking a vitamin every evening for our health? A dose of gratitude per day might just keep the doctor away! Perhaps because it seems too simple or too good to be true, we don’t make a point of it. Yet, our mindset determines how we make meaning of everyday circumstances and challenges. If we approach a problem with gratitude — that we can learn and grow from it — , surely we’ll approach that problem differently — with an open mind and an open heart — than if we bring a blaming mindset or an annoyed or angry perspective.

Once a year on the Thanksgiving holiday, many of us in the United States gather around a feast with family or friends and give thanks for the harvest and the blessings in our lives. So why not use this already-infused-with-gratitude event to kickstart a year of gratitude in your family’s life to reap all of the well-being benefits that come along with it?

Here are some ideas backed by research on how we might create a gratitude habit:

  1. Observe! 

Feelings… Take time to observe when you are feeling gratitude and what specifically created that feeling. Then ask: How can you create a regular opportunity for that activity or experience to help generate more gratitude? Make sure you note the smallest aspect of the action that created gratitude. In other words, you don’t have to host a family feast to experience gratitude. What about your time together created gratitude? Was it the connection? How could you create connection daily? Did it involve a prayer, poem, or spoken words of gratitude? How could you speak words of gratitude daily? 

Media Impact and Feelings… Take time to observe your media habits. Whether its radio, books, television, streaming content, or social media, all of these inputs have an impact on your thinking and feeling during a given day. Note how you feel right AFTER you’ve experienced that media. Are you grumpy, agitated, sad, worried, or angry? Or do you feel inspired and energized? How can you minimize the sources that cause you angst and maximize the sources that leave you energized?

2. Share your Observations with Family Members and Gather their Input

Feelings… You might offer, “I’ve noticed that…” and share your reflections on how you felt during and after Thanksgiving and when you noticed the benefits of gratitude. Ask your family members when they experienced gratitude and how it made them feel.

Media Impact and Feelings… Also, take time to ask about media. Perhaps, encourage family members to observe their feelings when they take in various forms of media during the following day. Report back to one another and share in the reflections. Do you have similar or different experiences? How can you learn from those experiences to build your gratitude practice (and minimize media that leaves family members feeling anxious, worried, angry or depressed)?

3. Decide on What Practice Feels Like It Works with your Family Flow and Co-create an Intention

After you share your reflections on experiences with family and experiences with Thanksgiving experiencing gratitude, consider together how you might create more of that in your every day life and specifically related to media content and intake. Consider together: what daily simple practice could we engage in to generate gratitude? Then, co-create an intention to help one another remember to do it each day.

2. Schedule your Daily Dose.

We don’t tend to add new routines or practices without scheduling them in our very busy lives. So decide how you will get your daily dose and what time of day and then, schedule it! It could be you include a family reflection in your morning routine during breakfast to set a tone for the day. It could be you begin to reflect together before you eat dinner on the abundance in your life including the food on your table. Or you might decide a private practice of journaling on what you’re grateful for before bedtime will help you, as a parent, model the grateful mindset your children will learn and benefit from.

With media, you might become intentional about unfollowing some negativity or fear-producing feeds and following others that you know will be life-giving. Instead of a negative news source, find a positive one or follow another topic that gives you or your children a breath of fresh air: nature, people doing good, animals, gardening, art, cooking or others.

In times of uncertainty or worry, gratitude is one important key to nourishing your mental health daily. This week offers a chance to get started. Reflecting on and learning from your experience of gratitude on Thanksgiving can help you extend those feelings and the well-being that goes with it throughout the year. 

After twelve years of Confident Parents, Confident Kids, we are grateful every time we publish an article for you as readers, followers, and contributors to this conversation that elevates one of the most meaningful roles we play in our lives as parents and caregivers! We appreciate you!

References:

Froh, J.J., & Bono, G. (2014). Making Grateful Kids; The Science of Building Character. West Conshohocken, PA: Templeton Press.

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Posted on November 21, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Happy World Children’s Day!

Today is the day we focus on and call attention to child well-being and this year’s activity: “Climate in your Hands.” And in the global and national conversations, the topic of child well-being needs to become top priority. This generation is worried and scared about climate change. So it’s our responsibility as educators, parents, and caregivers to offer our children and teens guidance on ways they can take action, show care, and build a reciprocal relationship with the environment.

We will only feel safe on our planet when we see and show that we are part of a larger eco-system and that all choices we make impact that larger eco-system. The problems can seem overwhelming. But our children give us the opportunity to learn together simple ways that we can make a difference each day in how we treat the world around us. Our family started composting all of our food scraps over the past year. And not only did we feel so good about this small step, but also we began to notice how much we were collecting that previously went straight to the landfill.

My son, now in high school, is taking a course in applied chemistry with a focus on learning about climate change. This Spring, he’ll travel with classmates to Costa Rica to experience the rainforests and see how the people of Costa Rica have served as a world leader in sustainability in their tropical environment. At each age and stage, there are important opportunities to educate ourselves along with our children about environmental justice and ways we can care for our planet together.

Here are some favorite recommended books below to get you stated!

Thank you United Nation’s UNICEF and Six Seconds for hosting today’s Pop Up Festival!

It’s not too late to join in! If you would like to submit your own “Climate in your Hands” activity – all ages are welcome! – feel free to send to confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com or post your activity on social media with the hashtags #worldchildrensday and #EQPOPUP.

For School-Age Children:

We are Water Protectors

by Carole Lindstrom

Inspired by the many Indigenous-led movements across North America, We Are Water Protectors issues an urgent rallying cry to safeguard the Earth’s water from harm and corruption—a bold and lyrical picture book.

Climate Change and How We’ll Fix It

by Alice Harman

This clear, to-the-point, and fully illustrated guide answers kids’ questions—and shows how they can play an important role in solving the problem.  Some of the most renowned climate activists—including Greta Thunberg—are children and teens, for they are the ones who will inherit the planet and its problems. This important guide enlightens kids about why climate change is real, why it’s serious, what’s causing it, and how we can fix it. It explains why grownups aren’t doing enough, why one group of people alone can’t solve it, and what the roadblocks are, from wealth disparity to our dependence on air travel.

Old Enough to Save the Planet

by Loll Kirby

Meet 12 young activists from around the world who are speaking out and taking action against climate change. Learn about the work they do and the challenges they face, and discover how the future of our planet starts with each and every one of us.

For High School Teens:

Braiding Sweetgrass for Young Adults; Indigenous Wisdom, Scientific Knowledge, and the Teachings of Plants

by Robin Wall Kimmerer and Adapted by Monica Gray Smith

Drawing from her experiences as an Indigenous scientist, botanist Robin Wall Kimmerer demonstrated how all living things―from strawberries and witch hazel to water lilies and lichen―provide us with gifts and lessons every day. Adapted for young adults, this new edition reinforces how wider ecological understanding stems from listening to the earth’s oldest the plants around us.

The Thinking Person’s Guide to Climate Change

by Robert Henson

Everybody can be a thinking person when it comes to climate change, and this book is a perfect roadmap.  Start a web search for “climate change” and the first three suggestions are “facts,” “news,” and “hoax.” The Thinking Person’s Guide to Climate Change is rooted in the first, up to date on the second, and anything but the last. Produced by one of the most venerable atmospheric science organizations, it is a must-read for anyone looking for the full story on climate change.

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Posted on November 19, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Final Day to Send in your Entries for World Children’s Day

Coming up this week, Confident Parents, Confident Kids partners with the United Nations’ UNICEF and Six Seconds, a global organization that supports emotional intelligence, for the Pop-Up Festival on Child Well-being in celebration of World Children’s Day on this Thursday, November 20th. Last year, they reach 3.5 million people with this campaign. And this year, you are invited to be a part of it!

The central activity focuses on climate change and environmental justice. It’s a simple activity that can be done by/with children, teens, and adults alike. In it, you’ll reflect on how you feel about the current realities of climate change. And then, you’ll draw your hoped-for, imagined future of our planet and climate. If done together with caring adults and accompanied by meaningful dialogue, it can be incredibly powerful in showing how we all have agency in the issue of sustaining our planet. Did you know… in the largest international research study to date, researchers found that 56% of the 10,000 youth surveyed felt “humanity is doomed” due to climate change.1 So showing our youth they can make a difference is a powerful way we can contribute to child well-being.

Through this simple activity, you’ll be generating ideas with children and teens on how we all play a part in ensuring youth have a safe and happy future they can look forward to.

So here’s what you can do if you choose to participate with us.

  1. Download the attachments for the activity here.
  2. Engage the children and teens you are raising, teaching, or working with in the activity. Be sure you discuss what your children are expressing on paper to help all make sense of what they are feeling. If in your conversation, you get to the point of saying, “what can we do?”, be sure and note this is one important step you are taking by expressing what’s in your hearts and sharing it with others to raise awareness around the globe.
  3. Scan and share with me by the end of TODAY — Tues, Nov. 19! And I’ll share through the Confident Parents’ blog and social media (and encourage others to participate through your examples). Please send as a pdf attachment to confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com with the subject line: Child Well-being.
  4. Share through your own social media! Be sure and add the hashtags: #EQPOPUP #worldchildrensday

Thank you to those who have already shared their entries! You’ll get to check them out on Thursday! Hoping to see more from YOU by the end of the day!

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Posted on November 14, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Your Family Can Participate in World Children’s Day!

Next week, Confident Parents, Confident Kids partners with the United Nations’ UNICEF and Six Seconds, a global organization that supports emotional intelligence, for the Pop-Up Festival on Child Well-being in celebration of World Children’s Day on Thursday, November 20th. Last year, they reach 3.5 million people with this campaign. And this year, you are invited to be a part of it!

The central activity focuses on climate change and environmental justice. It’s a simple activity that can be done by/with children, teens, and adults alike. In it, you’ll reflect on how you feel about the current realities of climate change. And then, you’ll draw your hoped-for, imagined future of our planet and climate. If done together with caring adults and accompanied by meaningful dialogue, it can be incredibly powerful in showing how we all have agency in the issue of sustaining our planet. Did you know… in the largest international research study to date, researchers found that 56% of the 10,000 youth surveyed felt “humanity is doomed” due to climate change.1 So showing our youth they can make a difference is a powerful way we can contribute to child well-being.

Through this simple activity, you’ll be generating ideas with children and teens on how we all play a part in ensuring youth have a safe and happy future they can look forward to.

So here’s what you can do if you choose to participate with us.

  1. Let me know you’re in! (See form below.)
  2. Download the attachments for the activity here.
  3. Engage the children and teens you are raising, teaching, or working with in the activity. Be sure you discuss what your children are expressing on paper to help all make sense of what they are feeling. If in your conversation, you get to the point of saying, “what can we do?”, be sure and note this is one important step you are taking by expressing what’s in your hearts and sharing it with others to raise awareness around the globe.
  4. Scan and share with me by Tues, Nov. 19! And I’ll share through the Confident Parents’ blog and social media (and encourage others to participate through your examples). Please send as a pdf attachment to confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com with the subject line: Child Well-being.
  5. Share through your own social media! Be sure and add the hashtags: #EQPOPUP #worldchildrensday

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Thank you for your response. ✨

Participating?(required)

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Posted on November 5, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Teaching Kids Civility; Guiding Emotional Growth in a Divided World

By Guest Author Melissa Benaroya, MSW, LICSW

The world is a very complex place, and according to the US Surgeon General, raising children is more challenging and stressful than it has been for previous generations. Helping children become more self-aware, teaching them to take the perspective of others, express empathy, and navigate their emotions positively while managing conflict is more important than ever in today’s polarized world.  These skills will allow children to develop healthy, harmonious relationships and be positive contributors to their community.

“Civility is an act of showing regard and respect for others including politeness, consideration, tact, good manners, graciousness, cordiality, affability, amiability, and courteousness.”1

Because disagreements and divisions are highly visible in our children’s world, from overhearing conversations in public to viewing events and opinions reported in social media debates, it is essential for them to learn how to engage with others respectfully, even — and especially — when opinions clash. Teaching civility involves helping children to become more self-aware and understand that there are many ways to view the same circumstances. They need to learn that even when someone sees things differently, they deserve to be treated with respect. The benefits of being more self-aware, curious, and open to others’ perspectives lay the foundation for better conflict management, increased empathy, and stronger social connections.

Teaching Empathy

Empathy is the ability to “put yourself in someone else’s shoes,” which allows one to better recognize and acknowledge the feelings of another. Expressing empathy allows us to truly connect and communicate to the other person that we hear and see that person. We are all capable of empathy, and the more we develop it in ourselves and our children, the more we can recognize that behind every opinion and action is a person with a unique set of experiences and feelings.

As parents and caregivers, the most powerful way to nurture empathy is by modeling and showing empathy during our daily interactions with children. And that simple act can transform how they react to challenges in particular. When children have big emotions, are misbehaving, or struggling with a conflict, we can model empathy with a simple one-line statement such as “It’s so hard.” For example: “It’s so hard to stop playing and go to bed” rather than “Quit complaining, or you won’t get to read any books before bed!”. The use of one simple empathetic statement, like “It’s so hard,” “Oh no,” or “You seem/look/sound…” will cue the parent to check on their own emotional state first, self-soothe, and calm down before saying anything. While at the same time, the parent acknowledges the child’s thoughts and feelings. 

Expressing compassion for your child rather than dismissing or diminishing their emotions will allow you to act based on what is happening, not what you are feeling. While on the surface, using a single empathetic statement sounds simple, the application can be quite challenging. For me, it took years of practice! Check out the resource at the end of the article if you want to learn more about how to do this.

Practice with Perspective-Taking

The ability to take another person’s perspective requires one to better understand the foundations of their own perspective, which is grounded in both where that person has stood in the past and where they stand now in the moment. Research has shown that it is a combination of both past and present experiences and how we have interpreted them that influence our current thoughts, feelings, and actions.2  Being able to take another’s perspective is critical in promoting civility in children because it allows them to appreciate dissimilar opinions, which then reduces the possibility of conflict and misunderstanding. 

One effective way to teach perspective-taking is through structured activities. Board games such as Apples to Apples, Battleship, HedBanz, and Guess Who? are fun ways to nurture perspective-taking skills. Another way to practice this skill that doesn’t require purchasing a game is an exercise where children are presented with different scenarios and asked to guess how various people involved might feel. This process not only encourages children to think beyond their own experiences but also provides them with a framework for responding more thoughtfully to others. 

Regulating Conflict with Emotion Coaching

Emotion coaching helps parents guide their children through life’s ups and downs in a way that builds confidence, resilience, and strong relationships. Developed by Dr. John Gottman, author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, this process helps children learn how emotions work and how to behave in healthy ways when strong feelings arise that help them thrive socially and academically.3 Here are a few of the emotion coaching steps that you can incorporate into your problem-solving conversations with your child: 

1. Listen and validate. 

Listen empathetically and respond to your child’s thoughts and experiences by affirming them. Encourage your child to tell his or her story. For example, “Hey buddy, tell me what happened.” Then, reflect back on what the child said or paraphrase with something like “It sounds like you are feeling ________(include feeling word), is that right?”

2. Help your child label emotions. 

It’s important that you allow your child to label his or her own feelings, instead of dictating how to feel. Listen in a way that shows you’re paying attention and taking your child seriously, and don’t dismiss any emotions as silly or unimportant. 

3. Set limits while problem-solving. 

Set a limit on the behavior or choice your child expresses while acknowledging his or her emotions. For example, say, “It’s okay to feel/want ________, but it’s not okay to do or say ________.” Once the limit has been set, ask your child what he or she wants or needs. Then brainstorm together a few different ways to resolve the situation that are both safe and respectful. Help your child evaluate those ideas based on your family’s values. For example, we take responsibility for the messes we make. Let him or her choose what to do to fix the problem, try again, or try the next time the problem occurs.

Integrating empathy, perspective-taking, and emotion coaching into daily parenting practices are powerful and effective ways to teach children civility because children learn best by observing the adults in their lives. These skills not only allow children to better navigate the complexities of human interactions and enhance their own personal relationships but will also foster a more compassionate and unified world. 

Resource:

Check out Melissa Benaroya’s FREE Keep Calm Course on the practice of empathy: Keep Calm Mini Course. 

Reference:

  1. Organizing Engagement, & The National Institute for Civil Discourse. Principles: Civility. Organizing Engagement. Retrieved on 11/4/2024.
  2. Gerace, Adam & Day, Andrew & Casey, Sharon & Mohr, Philip. (2015). Perspective Taking and Empathy: Does Having Similar Past Experience to Another Person Make It Easier to Take Their Perspective?. Journal of Relationships Research. 6. e10, 1-14. 10.1017/jrr.2015.6. 
  3. Gottman, J. (1998). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child; The Heart of Parenting. NY: Simon and Schuster.

Melissa Benaroya, MSW, LICSW, is a Seattle-based parent coach, speaker, and author. She created the Childproof Parenting online course and co-authored the book The Childproof Parent. Melissa provides parents with the tools and support they need to raise healthy children and find more joy in parenting. Melissa offers parent coaching and classes and is a keynote speaker both locally and internationally. Check out Melissa’s blog for more great tips on common parenting issues.

For more great resources on civility, check out the CivilTalk Podcast! The most recent episode features Confident Parents’ Friend and Collaborator Maurice Elias on Teaching Beyond Tests: Life Skills and Civil Discourse in Schools. You’ll also discover episodes featuring Confident Parents’ Lorea Martinez on Emotional Intelligence and School Leadership and Jennifer Miller on Building an Emotionally Aware Family.

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Posted on October 30, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Inaugural School Newsletter Out Later Today – Have You Signed Up for the Free Trial?

We are excited to publish out first Confident Parents and Caregivers Newsletter specifically designed for school communities. Help us support your families! Be sure you sign up for the free trial to receive our inaugural issue today and see if it might become an important support as you work on cultivating school-family partnerships.

Thanks to those who have written in with enthusiasm! We are excited too about the possibilities! Here’s our first question from a school community…

How will the mailing list be handled for the newsletter? We don’t share our parents’ email addresses.

You will never have to share your parents’ email addresses. When you subscribe, we’ll send you a sample welcome note that you can customize for your parents. In that note, they can choose whether they want to opt-in or not. If they want to recieve the newsletter, they’ll submit their email address to us directly (their choice). We will only charge for the subscription level that corresponds to the number of parents/caregivers who sign up.

Today, if you sign up, we’ll also send you a FREE GIFT for your parents and caregivers – a printable homework routine planning sheet that families can use to decide on how their family will set up their routine together.

Here’s a little taste of what’s coming today…

1. Welcome Letter from Jennifer Miller, MEd. – This letter offers the top seven simple tips for motivating children and teens to focus, work hard, and persist on their school work at home based on solid research.

2. Did You Know? Developmental Tips by Grade Level on Hard Work, Motivation and Persistence. Here’s our first grade example. They’ll be tips for each grade from preschool through high school!

In First Grade – Your child is now busy learning to read and it’s no small task! In fact, it’s monumental and may be giving your child stress as they feel pressured to learn. Be sure that, at this age, you take time to pick out favorite, high interest books for your child (local libraries are perfect for this!). Snuggle up together and take turns reading words or sentences. Have your child pick out words, phrases or sentences they are able to read. You can read the bulk of it but be sure and use your finger to guide your child to read along as with you. Whether stories create laughter, sorrow, or happy scares, find joy together in learning to read. This will go a long way in motivating your young child through the hard work of learning to read!

3. Supporting Learning at Home Tip of the Month – This section will focus on offering ways in which parents and caregivers can help set up the physical space, the emotional conditions and also their own support to create a conducive, focused environment for learning regardless of the type of home setting they have. This month, we focus on the routine of homework time. Here’s the start of the tip!

It’s important that you work with your children to establish a homework routine that a.) works for your family practically; b.) coordinates with taking care of their physical and emotional needs; and c.) maximizes their focus on getting the work accomplished. You likely already have fallen into a routine. But it’s easy for some bad habits to form for your student if you haven’t been intentional about that routine. This is an ideal time to consider how it’s going and see if there are ways to improve on it so that as you enter tough and challenging work assignments, you and your young learner are ready! Here are some things to examine: Sign up for more!

4. Focus on a Life Skill: Practicing Self-Management (sign up for more!)

5. Healthy Ways to Use Technology Tip of the Month (sign up for more!)

6. Making It Happen… Practical Tools to Use in Family Life (sign up for more!)

7. Final Reflection Question or Poll (sign up for more!)

8. Highlights of the November Issue

After twelve years of Confident Parents, Confident Kids, we have so many practical tips, strategies, and tools to share! So we are just getting started!

Hope you’ll join us! Sign up here to receive the free trial edition today!

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Posted on October 29, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

The Hauntings of Parents; Dealing with the Ghosts of Childhood’s Past

First, there was the angry specter who gave me a genuine jump scare. When my son was in the toddler and preschool years, little E lashed out with his hands when he was angry. He didn’t have the words in that moment of upset. I felt the ghost of my own young child being punished by an angry mother. And I surprised myself in becoming emotional when I knew that all my son needed was a calm mother to help him regulate his upset. That ghost shook me to the core and pushed me to reflect on how I might confront it. And it raised the question, “what other ghosts lay in wait until just the moment when I’m least expecting them to jump out and scare me?” And if they do jump out, I wondered, how will I respond in ways that do not hurt my relationship with my family? How do I respond in ways that model for my child healthy and courageous ways to respond to ghosts? And lay in wait they did. Ghosts are incredibly patient.

In the early school age years, E would come home with painful stories. He got teased and criticized for missing a ball during a game or he got pushed by a classmate who simply didn’t like him. This is where the unbounded-empathy ghost scared me. Experiencing my son’s pain felt unbearable. And the unbounded-empathy ghost haunted me repeatedly making me feel helpless and aching. How can I respond to this? My son needs me. And I felt compelled to protect him. All I wanted to do was rip him out of school and tell the parents of the children who hurt him exactly what their children had done. Of course, I knew this response was utterly unreasonable. So I had to seek out healthy ways to respond.

As the years went on, I took on more and more of the family burdens and responsibilities until one day, the burnout ghost appeared as if out of nowhere. Though she’d been hanging around for some time, I finally noticed her presence. I had been telling myself the story that I was strong. That I was desperately needed by everyone for pretty much everything. That I was the only one who could do it all – all the chores, all the parenting, all the things. And my partner was left asking: “where do I fit in to this equation? And where does our son fit?” The burnout ghost is an insidious one because she creeps around but rarely shows her face. You may shiver when you feel her but because of the nature of this ghost, you press on ignoring the chill in the air. Yet, she uses her power by spreading the fog of shame and not-enough-ness to keep you working and beat you down. When she does show, though, and you can see her clearly. You notice that she’s out for destruction and particularly for destroying trusting, confident, and loving relationships – one’s in which each person owns their own responsibilities that contribute to their own well-being and to the whole family.

There have been and continue to be many more ghosts that show up through parenthood; far too many to name. And you may experience very different ones than these mentioned depending on how you were brought up in your own childhood. Others may experience the slave-to-social-expectations ghost, particularly brutal and potentially, psychologically damaging. There’s also the achievement-at-all-costs, the there’s-no-crying-in-parenting or the never-good-enough-parent ghosts. Not to mention, the not-seen-or-valued ghost and the victim (everyone-else-is-to-blame) ghosts. Whichever ghosts you encounter, they are utterly personal and designed to scare you into either submission, a.k.a repeat the patterns of the past, or growth.

These ghosts are NOT your parents, teachers, or former caregivers. They represent the residual reactions and feelings you experienced throughout your childhood that often came from caregivers’ decisions, words, and actions. And though they lack substance in this time, in this space, they know exactly how to genuinely frighten. When they well up in you – on top of an already busy, heart-invested life – they can take you over and truly make you question yourself in fundamental ways…particularly when you react to them quickly and impulsively out of fear and protection. 

This time of year, we have many opportunities to fill ourselves up with courage and capability. If we choose authenticity (looking directly at those ghosts) and growth (confronting them) as the way in which we’ll respond, we’ll need to face the darkness knowing that although those apparitions lay in wait for our moment of vulnerability, we’ve prepared. And we can! After all, they do not represent reality, only thin air. If we spend time reflecting, if we know exactly how we will show up differently, we can and will be ready. Here’s how a neurobiologist and psychiatrist explains this phenomenon:

Experiences that are not fully processed may create unresolved and leftover issues that influence how we react to our children…When this happens, our responses toward our children often take the form of strong emotional reactions, impulsive behaviors, distortions in our perceptions and sensations in our bodies. These intense states of mind impair our ability to think clearly and remain flexible and affect our interactions and relationships with our children (Siegel & Hartzell, 2003).

Readying yourself for your ghosts can be one of the most powerful proactive steps you can take to bring your best to your parenting and raise confident kids and teens. So when you have a quiet time and space, use the following exercise with your journal in hand. 

Reflect on the following questions. Be sure and write out your answers (writing by hand connects the emotions to the cognitive parts of the brain and typing does not connect those two as well so I recommend writing by hand.). This will work better for you if you spend some time getting still and coming from your place of higher wisdom. So before you begin writing…

Sit in Stillness… set a timer for two minutes of stillness. Sit comfortably upright. Close your eyes or lower your gaze. You can focus on your breath. Or you can send gratitude to your heart. This will prepare you for bringing your highest wisdom to your journaling.

1. Ultimately what do I want for my child (children) or teen (teens)?

2. What are my deepest values that I want to teach, communicate, and pass on to my children/teens?

3. Do I have feelings of upset, anger or fear that rise up stronger, bigger, and more intensely than the circumstance merits? Do I have strong reactions that surprise myself? Do I regret reactions? When do any of these happen? These are an indicator of ghosts. What is happening with my child or teen at those times? Or what circumstances, people, or events press my most vulnerable buttons in my role as a parent?

3. What actions do I typically take when those buttons are pushed? What words do I use? What tone of voice do I use? What is my body positioning communicating? 

4. Do those words and actions align with my deepest values for my life and my role as a parent? Do they align with what I want to teach my child? In other words, since we know our children learn the most from modeling, if my child repeated my words or actions in public, would I be glad and proud, or ashamed or angry? If the latter is the case, then what words and actions would I feel proud of?

5. Consider those current child or teen behaviors that I’m challenged by in the context of my own childhood. Do I exhibit those behaviors? If so, how did my parents or caregivers react? How did I feel in those moments? Are those same feelings showing up for me now?

6. What did my parents/caregivers feel strongly about? What did I get into trouble for? Or what did my caregivers worry about? How does that relate to how I feel about my children in similar circumstances?

7. Are my reactions similar to how my parents reacted to me? Or are my reactions similar to how I felt or reacted when I was scolded or my parents’/caregivers’ upset me? Am I tempted to repeat actions my parents or caregivers chose? Or am I tempted to react in the opposite way – reacting to a parent’s or caregiver’s choices? 

8. If I have discovered through my reflections that my words and actions do not align with my deepest values and have uncovered childhood wounds, how can I first address those hurts? Do I need to learn more? Do I need to accept my hurt or shame? Can I work to better understand my parent’s perspectives and their challenges?

If you feel anger, spend some time journaling about that feeling and its origins recognizing that your anger is valid and that you must take care of your own feelings first. How can you soften to become compassionate for yourself? Is it possible to find greater understanding for your caregivers and their circumstances, lack of knowledge, and lack of support they were navigating?

Then recognize that the feelings from their origins do not apply in this time and space now. The context, the people, the world — everything is different. So there is a chance to heal the past by focusing on the present and how you can make new, healthier choices.

9. What would be the healthiest choice to make when I reencounter this ghost? How can I help myself make that choice? Do I need time and space to move away in order to calm down first? Do I need reminders of what I plan to do? Do I need to communicate my plan to a partner or friend for accountability?

Write your plan down in your journal. Revisit when you need to so that you are ready.

Be aware that sometimes these ghosts are too much to try and navigate without support. Sometimes the wisest, bravest decision you can make is finding a counselor or therapist who will offer you that necessary support to be able to face into those button-pushing moments and the fears behind them.

Consider the ghost that haunts you frequently and how you feel about your common reaction. Is it guilt, shame, anger, frustration? Now imagine using the plan you’ve just created – and professional support if needed – to bring your highest self to those very moments. Whether that requires you to leave the space, to go inside yourself and breathe, to insist on a pause, and then to respond by affirming feelings, you will feel a sense of empowerment and agency beyond compare. And you’ll never look back. Because you’ve called this ghost on their tricks and just like that, you’ve removed their power over you.

This work is foundational to changing the path for this generation. When we do our deeper work as parents, we feel competent and capable. We fear the ghosts less with our plan for healthy responses at the ready. Even in our busy lives, we are able to channel our deepest values through our reactions to the ghosts when we invest in reflective action and heart-led courage. 

May this Halloween bring your family joy, courage, connection, and well-being as you face the darkness together.

Reference:

Siegel, D. & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out, How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. NY: Penguin Group.

For Other Halloween Articles and Ideas, check out:

The Best of Confident Parents’ Halloween Posts

Our first edition of the Confident Parents and Caregivers Newsletter for School Communities goes out tomorrow!

Don’t forget to sign up for our trial first month free! Sign up here…

I want to receive the first Newsletter free!

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Posted on October 25, 2024 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Sign Up Free by Wednesday, October 30th…

Don’t miss our Inaugural Edition of the Confident Parents and Caregivers Newsletter!

Educators, Family Support Specialists, School and District Staff,

Our first issue will go out to those who have signed up free by Wednesday, October 3oth. Our theme is how parents and caregivers can support and inspire hard work, motivation, and persistence at home. There’s no obligation to sign up for the first trial issue and we will not take your credit card! We hope to become an important source of support and reliable guidance for your parents and caregivers as they partner with you to support their children’s learning!

Through it, parents and caregivers will learn more about:

  1. how they can better understand and support their children’s development at each age and stage;
  2. how they can support learning at home; 
  3. how they can manage their toughest family challenges including homework routines and managing technology in healthy ways; and 
  4. how they can connect to and with you as partners in supporting their children’s learning.

Each newsletter will be:

  • Easily accessible – All content will be written for a wide and busy audience at an eighth grade reading level.
  • Research-aligned – Just as Confident Parents, Confident Kids has always been committed to sharing research-based tips and strategies, this newsletter will also align with solid research.
  • Practical and Relevant – Because all content is written by an expert parent educator who works daily with a diverse range of families, it’s well-informed by the day-to-day practical challenges and opportunities caregivers face.
  • Culturally-adaptive and Inclusive – All language will be inclusive. There will be no use of education buzz terms or divisive language. A Spanish edition is available.
  • Two-way Communication – The newsletter will offer polls and reflective questions. Responses will be shared back with the school community. And ways parents/caregivers can proactively partner will also be shared.

And you’ll receive an annual bonus educator newsletter to learn more about the strategies and tips your partner parents and caregivers are learning.

Check out Confident Parents and Caregivers School Newsletter page to learn more!

Questions? Feel free to get in touch with Jennifer Miller at confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com.

Sign up today!

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