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Posted on March 24, 2016 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Spring Presence

Practicing Mindfulness in Family Life

The sun is nervous
as a kite
that can’t quite keep
its own string tight.
Some days are fair,
and some are raw.
The timid earth
decides to thaw.
Shy budlets peep
from twigs on trees,
and robins join
the chickadees.
Pale crocuses
poke through the ground
like noses come
to sniff around.
The mud smells happy
on our shoes.
We still wear mittens
which we lose.

– March by John Updike

Spring is a time of new life and can also be an ideal opportunity to work on awareness with your children. As a weekend gardener, I am noticing my tulips and daffodils emerging from the soil and the very tips of leaf buds on the trees. I am often amazed by the details that my son notices around him as we go through our day. But I shouldn’t be. Children are hard-wired to notice details. Because their brains are eagerly taking in and making sense of information in order to learn about their environment, they are able to receive many more details than we as adults do. Adults have processed so much over the years about their environment that we necessarily make assumptions and skip over details in order to deal with the sheer volume of information that comes at us daily. However, experiencing greater awareness with your children can enhance your own focus and presence in the moment and it can give your children valuable practice in doing the same. For children, practice in awareness can contribute to their focused attention on any task including school work and allow them the chance to exercise self-control.

Last week, I had the chance to meet Congressman Tim Ryan from Youngstown, Ohio. He has adopted mindfulness as his central message and vehicle for social change across sectors – politics, business, education and health. His book, A Mindful Nation,1 defines mindfulness as simply “finding ways to slow down and pay attention to the present moment.” Not only does a focus on the present moment reduce stress but it also makes us more sensitive to ourselves and those around us so that it can assist in our ability to resist impulses, listen with empathy and make better decisions. It can contribute to better health and deepen our ability to learn. Congressman Ryan claims “Happiness is found by deeply experiencing the exact moment we are in.”

Also some schools have recognized the value of teaching children about how their brains work and how they can become more aware of themselves in each moment so that they are able to focus on learning. The Mind Up Curriculum through the Goldie Hawn Foundation is a series of lessons and activities that promote greater awareness. These programs incorporate “Brain Breaks” throughout the day in which children simply learn to close their eyes and notice their breathing for a few minutes. That simple practice can help calm anxieties and engage them fully in the next activity.

There are many ways you might practice mindful awareness at home with your children. Practicing together can help you connect with your family and assist in managing stress around your household. Try one or more of the following this spring and see if it makes a difference for you.

Thought Awareness:
Modeling
Modeling presence with your child can be rewarding for both of you. After school is an ideal time since most children need a snack and a break from the rigorous schedule and demands of school. But pick the best time of day for you and just focus on your child and whatever they want to tell you. Notice what thoughts come into your head as you listen. Often we get distracted by thoughts of our own day. If you notice this is happening, gently return yourself to the moment with your child and engage in listening to what they are saying. Ask related questions or make comments that deepen the conversation and continue to focus on your child.

Breath Awareness:
Balloon Breathing
Tell your child that you have an organ in your body – the lungs – that acts like two connected balloons. Picture what the balloons look like together. Visualize them in your child’s favorite color. Close your eyes and envision with your child the air moving from the outside into your balloons expanding them a little. And then exhale as you visualize your balloons shrinking a bit. Try to do this for at least three breathes and see if your child enjoys balloon breathing.

Body Awareness:
Tennis Ball Tighten and Release
When my son has a strong case of the wiggles before bedtime, I have used this exercise to help calm him down. Lie down side by side on the floor or on the child’s bed, backs to the floor. Close your eyes and ask your child to close his as well. Using a gentle voice, ask your child to pretend there is a tennis ball at the base of his feet. Ask him to try and grab the ball with his whole foot including his toes with all his might. Ask him to hold it for a few seconds. Then, let the ball go. Now ask him to pretend the ball is between his ankles. Squeeze the imaginary ball as hard as possible for a few seconds and then let it go. Try this at his knees, on his tummy, between his arms and his side, in his hands, at his neck and at the back of his head where it touches the floor. Each time tighten those muscles for a few seconds and then fully release. This will guide a child to notice each part of his body, focus on that part and send relaxation to that part of the body letting the tension go.

Sensory Awareness:
Eating a Raisin
In the Mind Up Curriculum, students fully experience eating a raising by paying attention to each aspect of the eating process. This is so simple to try at home. Take one raisin per person participating. Examine how the raisin looks on the table. Ask your child to describe it. Then, pick it up and feel it. How does it feel? Now smell it. Describe how it smells. Lastly, taste it slowly so that you savor each bite. See how many words you and your child can come up with to describe the taste of the raisin.

Environmental Awareness:
A Bug or Bud Walk
“We’re going on a bug walk, a bug walk, a bug walk. We’re going on a bug walk to see what we can see,” we chant as we stalk the ground for insects. This is a game that is enjoyable no matter the age of the child and can be incorporated into any basic walk around the block. Also spring in particular is a great time to go on a “bud” walk and see if you can find budding leaves or plants on trees, bushes and coming up from the ground. This noticing creates a greater awareness of the environment in which you live.

Drawing or Painting a Still Life
I know I am at my most sensitive to the details of objects around me when I am drawing or painting them. To give your children a chance to look more closely, set up a still life that they might enjoy or that might engage them. A bowl of fruit might inspire you but your child could be excited by a pile of his favorite stuffed animals. Create a scene of many and varied small toys and ask your child to pick out the part that he is most interested in to draw in detail. Notice the detail together and talk about and point out the detail of the subjects of your artwork.

Check out the following resources for more on mindfulness below. Give yourself and your family the gift of presence this spring. It will require your own awareness and some discipline to focus on your family in the moment. But the reward will be great.

Great Springtime Children’s Books about Awareness:
Wise Brown, Margaret. Author. McCue, Lisa. Illustrator. (2000). Bunny’s Noisy Book. NY: Hyperion Books for Children.
McCue, Lisa. Quiet Bunny’s Many Colors. NY: Sterling Publishing.

Check out this video on the Mind Up Curriculum in schools.
The Hawn Foundation. (2011). MindUp Curriculum; Brain-focused Strategies for Learning – and Living. NY: Scholastic.

Check out the following video short (3 minutes) entitled “Just Breathe” of kids talking about intense emotions and how they can calm down using breathing.

For Parent Reading:
Greenland, S.K. (2010). The Mindful Child; How to Help your Kid Manage Stress. NY: Free Press.

1 Ryan, T. (2012). A Mindful Nation: How a Simple Practice Can Help Us Reduce Stress, Improve Performance and Recapture the American Spirit. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House.

Originally published on March 27, 2014.

When Kids Question Everything

It just started happening seemingly out of the blue. “Why can’t I watch PG-13 rated movies? I know kids in my class who do.” “Why do I always have to go upstairs for bed at 7:00? The neighbors all get to stay up later.” And then what seems like minutes later, I hear “Why do we always only read one book? Why can’t we read two?” This rash of questioning our family practices and routines collided, as often challenges do, with my own set issues – work deadlines, literal pains in my neck, volunteer dates and a general stacking up of life pressures – leaving me with little patience for these questions. But as I thumbed through my handy child developmental milestones book (Yardsticks 1) as I often do to help extend my patience level, I note my son is right on schedule. Eight going on nine years of age, he seems to be awakening – again – as happens so many times in a child’s development – to new ideas and differences between him and his peers. He’s beginning to notice injustices and inequalities on an individual, personal level. The questions have the same essential focus: “Why does the guy next to me get privileges that you, Mom, say I can’t have?”

As I take a step back, breathe and reflect, I realize that this is the foundation of developing moral thinking. He needs to begin to question his own differences from his very personal social encounters in order to think more broadly, in the future, about inequities in the community and world. So my quick response, with the undercurrent of annoyance, was to explain why we do things differently than other families. But after I stepped away and reflected on these series of questions, I decided to follow up with my son to talk further about how it’s critical that he continues to ask those questions even if it makes me temporarily uncomfortable. He should understand the context and the why behind the rules even at his tender age of eight. Ruth Charney, author of Habits of Goodness asks these essential questions,

When we reward right answers and pass over (or scold) wrong ones, are we encouraging divergent thinking or reinforcing right-answer thinking? When we make all the choices and impose unquestioned rules, do we give opportunity to learn self-control or make decisions? And when our rules are broken, do we accomplish our goals more effectively by doling out punishments or by working on problem-solving that fosters child responsibility? 2

It remains a critical job for parents to teach children the rules of the household and why they are important. Being a part of a family means that there are guidelines that keep everyone safe and cared for. All members must contribute by following those guidelines. But questioning is important. Understanding the rules and the reasons for them begins the ethical thought process for children. So it’s worth taking the time to talk through and help your child understand the thinking behind the rules.

In understanding how moral development emerges in our children, Carol Gilligan proposed three stages she called “The Stages of an Ethic of Care.” 3 They are

1.Preconventional or Selfish – Every person necessarily begins with a survival perspective focused only on themselves. This worldview from infancy through nine years old (varies in timeframe as all developmental milestones do) assists young children in focusing on secure relationships with caregivers and establishing their own supports for survival so that they can open their minds to other possibilities later in life. And that focus on a secure attachment will allow children to form healthy relationships and give them the confidence to explore school and the world beyond home.

In this worldview, rules are given by authorities, not questioned but obeyed and taken literally. If they are disobeyed, there is punishment. But if a person remains stuck in this survivalist worldview, it limits his growth and ability to demonstrate care for himself and others. It also significantly limits thinking about complexities or making decisions that take responsibility for one’s role in a larger community.

Moving out of this phase (as my son seems to be), there is a questioning of authority. This is necessary to move from a sense of selfishness and survival to responsibility.

2. Conventional or Social – In this phase of moral development, caring for others takes primacy. A core sense of responsibility is established, an awareness of others around the individual and the impact they have on those others. In this stage, self sacrifice is good. Individuals may care for others while ignoring their own needs. They may even do harm to themselves (perhaps inadvertently) in an effort to help others. This tends to be a feminine trait though it can be seen in both genders.

Lawrence Kohlberg’s Stages of Moral Development – “Ethics of Justice” – which served as a precursor to Carol Gilligan’s, offered some helpful perspectives on this stage from a more masculine perspective. 4 His theories were criticized because his research studies only involved male subjects and were largely based on artificial (fictitious) situations. But we can learn about justice thinking from his work. In his Conventional Stage, relationships become important for the individual. They act in good and compliant ways in order to receive approval from others. The individual becomes aware of the rules of the wider society and obeys them to avoid guilt.

Moving out of this phase into the final phase, the individual moves from goodness to truth, from responsibility in order to gain approval to an internalized compass for not hurting self or others in concert with or despite societal rules.

3. Post Conventional or Principled – Kohlberg and Gilligan agree that most people never evolve their worldview to this place though this is the final stage. In this stage, the person’s thinking evolves to valuing nonviolence so that he or she makes decisions, however complex the situation, relative to doing no harm to himself or others. Though this kind of thinking and the actions that follow is a rarity in our world, it certainly is a level to pursue and promote with our children.

As with all stages of development, individuals can dip into former stages depending upon the circumstances. The previous stages are always a part of a person. The development that occurs in an individual becomes a raised awareness in which they predominantly view the world in that way.

Do we want to raise children who will obey rules without question? I certainly don’t. If a regime like Hitler’s came into power, I need to know that my son would be prepared to be civilly disobedient, to question authority and to make choices that preserve the rights of himself and others.

Here is what I plan to do.

I will do this by having patience with his questioning. I will talk through the whys of our family routines and practices and involve him in thoughtful reflection and work on recreating practices that may not make sense anymore.

I will promote moral thinking by encouraging care and consideration for others. When I have the chance to help a neighbor or a friend who is ill, I will significantly involve him in thinking about and acting upon that care.

I will voice compassion. When kids say mean words or act meanly, in addition to acknowledging my child’s hurt feelings and helping him respond in ways that maintain his dignity and others, I will express compassion for those who are perpetrating hurt. We are all connected in a school and neighborhood community. Our hurt impacts one another. So that compassion for those who are hurting and are unable to control themselves in hurting others helps stop that cycle of harm.

I will help him to question authority. First, I need to be okay with him questioning my authority. Though sometimes the answer will be “No.”, I will always explain the reasons behind why it’s my response.

I will offer him the chance to see complexities. I will offer him practice with responsible decision making by allowing him to make choices that he and he alone will make. And he will get the chance to experience whatever consequences follow. I will facilitate his thinking by asking open-ended questions, not hurrying in to “fix” what’s wrong, but using my self-control to allow him to think for himself.

We live in highly complex times. This era of parenting involves an entire global community through the digital world that was simply not a part of the parenting experience in previous generations. We, as parents, require new ways of parenting that are reflective and thoughtful and help facilitate deeper thoughtfulness in our kids.

Have a middle or high school age tween/teen? Check out #Youthvoices to contribute to discussions on ethical issues created by Harvard’s Making Caring Common Project’s Youth Advisory Board. #YouthChoices asked tough questions about when and how to speak up in the face of sexism, racism, ableism, and homophobia, and shared stories about cheating, social contracts, cutting class, and whether to stand up to adults at school.

Search the hashtag on Twitter and Instagram to see more posts, photos, and videos, check out the #YouthChoices Storify for a snapshot of the campaign, and read HGSE’s Usable Knowledge story about the project.

References

Wood, C. (2007). Yardsticks, Children in the Classroom Ages 4-14. (3rd Ed.) Turners Falls, MA: Northeast Foundation for Children
2. Charney, R.S.(1997). Habits of Goodness, Case Studies in the Social Curriculum. Turner Falls, MA: Northeast Foundation for Children.
3. Carol Gilligan’s Stages of an Ethic of Care, http://ethicsofcare.org/carol-gilligan/
Gilligan, C. (1977). In a Different Voice: Women’s Conceptions of Self and of Morality. Harvard Educational Review, 47(4), 481-517.
4. Kohlberg, L. (1984). The Psychology of Moral Development: The Nature and Validity of Moral Stages (Essays on Moral Development, Volume 2). Harper & Row.

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Posted on March 10, 2016 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

The Extras

Extracurricular activities – whether before school or after school or in the community – are implicitly optional. They are, as the word implies – “extra” – in addition to school. As a parent, the choices can be freeing and helpful or confusing and challenging and perhaps, a little of both. And to add to the complexity, our families don’t merely have ballet or piano or soccer from which to choose. There are any number of additional special interests that could be explored such as robotics, pottery or martial arts. Because there are so many considerations related to extracurriculars, I thought I would explore the many complexities, ask a number of parents how their parents handled the situation and how they have decided to manage “extras” with their own children and then examine other social and emotional developmental factors in the mix and see if any helpful suggestions emerged.

First let’s acknowledge that many families don’t have the privilege of choice because of the expense of activities or the limited offerings in their neighborhoods or schools or the constraints of parents who have to work. For those who do have the privilege of choices, here are some of their potential considerations.

– cost
– transportation
– care time while parents are working
– friends in the program
– giving the child a social experience
– following a child’s joy or passion or interests
– building competence for competence sake
– building competence for a school-to-career path
– developing safety skills
– scheduling (free time versus structured time, adequate time for homework)
– offering an alternative to screen time
– building social skills such as collaboration
– exploring, trying out new experiences
– health and development (and if a child has allergies or ADHD or other individual considerations)
– temperment and personality of child (introverted child may need more down time than an extroverted child)
conflict (child may fight going or doing requisite practice)

From “I make the decision of what’s best for them and they are required to go.” to “My kids have many interests so we are at some different activity every night.” to “I follow my child’s lead but only pick one.”, I received a whole range of responses. Here are a few of the stories I heard when I asked local parents about their experiences with extracurriculars.

I was always a joiner. I basically signed myself up for everything and my poor mom had to drop me off at school super early and pick me up super late. My mom never actually signed me up for stuff. It was always me telling her that I was doing a new thing. If anything, my mother would probably have had me not do so much, but I always wanted to do everything. I still use a lot of the skills I gained during those extracurriculars (as an athlete and lawyer) so for me it was incredibly valuable. – Marley

I don’t think my parents ever signed me up for anything without asking but they were big on follow through. I couldn’t skip meetings or practices. The one thing I really pushed for was going to summer camp and that was definitely a financial strain but I ended up spending ten summers there. Camp was hugely life changing and I think about it daily. I think my mom had a lot of insight into my personality and was one step ahead of things like suggesting a more rigorous Latin class. I think things like following through on commitments, enjoying learning new skills and being part of a team are all things that helped me grow. I have more kids than my parents did so I really would like them to do only one major activity at a time. – Morgan

My parents generally supported what I wanted to do, except that I had to pick one activity. I wanted to learn piano and dance, but since I had to choose, I picked dance. I’ve always regretted that I couldn’t do both. When it came to Sports, once I was in high school, my dad pressured me to try out for basketball. I liked basketball, but I was never very athletic or into sports. So for my dad, I did a week of practice, but we had to run a mile outside and my allergies were so bad, it made me really sick. I could barely breathe! So that was the end of that! In general though, my parents did not pressure me in school or in my extracurricular activities. I could have used a little more pressure academically, because I started to feel like they didn’t believe I could do better than I was doing. (Probably because I always told them I was doing my best, but I was totally full of it.) I still love to dance. I think dancing adds to my quality of life, because it makes me healthier and happier. As for piano, I’m planning on teaching myself a bit of piano just for fun. – Kristen

We were required to pay for our extracurricular activities on our own so once I really got to the point where I had a choice I had to prioritize based on my limited junior high funds. I ran, because it didn’t cost much for shoes and did cheerleading. Most team sports were cost prohibitive for me and my family. And the small private school I attended didn’t have or support leagues in elementary school. Plus, we only had one car which my dad often had at work/school. In lieu of organized activities like lessons and sports, we did a TON of park play, library programs, playdates & playgroups, and church youth activities. My mom was a master of free days for surrounding museums and zoos. Also, because my Dad was a police officer we got in free to the community pool so that was most of our summer. Overall, we were active but unstructured. I did love that my parents required us to pay. We learned savings and priorities when it came to what we wanted. Even though my opportunities were “limited” in the eyes of many I don’t feel like I missed out because I did art at home versus in a lesson. – Christy

I was pleasantly surprised by the level of satisfaction and happiness of the respondents. Those who shared the details of their extracurricular experiences as kids remember them with great fondness and appreciate how their parents’ handled their options. The only commonality I found in the examples was that parents seemed to pay close attention to the personality and temperament of the children they had and tried to match the type of activity and amount of commitment to that individual.

In addition to the above personal parent stories, there are additional considerations. Surveys of working parents found that there is significant worry about the use of time during after school hours – particularly at middle school age – when children are often left unsupervised. In my state of Ohio, for example, 23% (431,489) of K-12 youth are responsible for taking care of themselves after school. Community policing statistics consistently show a spike in alcohol and drug activity and also, violent crimes between the hours of 3:00 and 7:00 p.m. Not only can after school programming prevent high risk behaviors, but they also have the potential to promote greater feelings of competence, belonging and confidence. For more, check out “Keeping Kids Safe and Supported in the Hours After School” by the Afterschool Alliance. Learn more about after school programs in your state. Regardless of how you select the types of activities for your children, before committing to a program, assess for quality. Find out who the staff will be for the after school program or team. Do the organizers run a police background check (They should!)? Do they take references? Do they offer training? Particularly if the program is staffed by students, what supervisors are available during program hours? Ask some questions to ensure it is a quality program before signing up.

Here are some further considerations.

1.Follow passions or interests.
Certainly a child will be more motivated to participate in an activity that builds on his/her interests. Many of the examples from parents above mentioned how much they appreciated their parents looking to them for their natural curiosities to determine involvement in activities. People are intrinsically motivated in three areas: feeling a sense of autonomy, belonging and competence. You may ask yourself and your family members, “Does the activity provide any of the preceding for my specific child?” “And does it further an interest that she has shown us is significant to her?”

2. Offer limited choices.
It is a gift to have choices no matter what the circumstances. Kids, like adults, are more motivated to participate if they are involved in making choices about their participation. Parents can still set limits and hold expectations. Maybe there is not a choice about whether or not to participate (because of parents’ work commitments) but a choice of what to participate in. Or how often a child will participate. Finding even a small area for limited choice can help a child feel a sense of control and involvement and encourage greater cooperation.

3. Know your child.
Every child needs quiet time without structure. But some require it daily or else they feel a sense of anxiety and even upset. Particularly children who tend to be introverted – meaning social situations take energy from them – require some time to process their thoughts from the day without added structure before and after school. Instead of talking through their thinking with others, these children need more time for internal reflection. For more on recognizing if you have a child who tends toward introversion, check out this article “Fifteen Tips for Parenting Introverted Kids” or the book, Quiet, The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking.

4. Balance commitments.
With multiple kids in a family in numerous activities, life can get hectic. Consider each child and how they are spending their time. Do they have enough time to get homework completed? Is there time for a weekly or more than weekly family dinner? Is there some down time in the week during which kids can engage in unstructured play? Some of the families’ examples above mentioned allowing each child to select one activity per season so as not to overcommit their time. Also consider whether you are rushing from place to place since that can contribute to an overall feeling of chaos in family life. How do you balance outside of school interests with your family’s needs for alone time and together time?

5. Honor commitments.
Once a child is signed up for an activity, following through in attending practices or meetings throughout the season is important. No matter how you choose an activity, be certain that you are fully aware of the commitments you are making before signing up. Halfway through if your child simply doesn’t like the program, they will not learn the lesson of responsibility if you allow them to drop out. Help your child follow through and honor those commitments.

6. Take safety measures.
Train your child to ask for help. Teach them to look for appropriate helpers such as, a teacher or caring mom in the event of getting lost or another problem. Do test your child on your phone number and place all emergency contacts and numbers in his backpack, jacket or other item that will remain with him.

Teams, classes and other enrichment activities can provide tremendous resources for a child. They can offer role models and adults who serve as caring coaches and teachers. Those opportunities can create valuable friendships and exercise social and emotional skills. Examining our assumptions about extracurriculars helps our own thinking about how to best handle them and facilitates constructive dialogue between family members as you create new plans. Those “extras” can offer your family a connection to the community, a deepening of skills and a love for an activity that may just last a lifetime.

Join the Conversation on Raising Teenage Girls!

Join me in contributing to the conversation on raising teenage girls! We’ll be convening on Twitter at #Untangled with the author of the new book Untangled, Guiding Teenage Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood, Lisa Damour, PhD., editor of the parenting blog, “Motherlode”/”Well Family” for The New York Times, KJ Dell’Antonia and author of Odd Girl Out and Cofounder of Girl Leadership, Rachel Simmons. Girl Leadership, thanks for inviting me and the Confident Parents, Confident Kids’ community!

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Posted on March 3, 2016 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Changing Undesirable Patterns

How do you make the changes you desire?

“I know what I don’t want to do, but I’m not sure what I can do instead.” said a parent as we discussed her challenges. Often it is easier to look back on the experiences from our childhood and know exactly what we don’t want to repeat. But if we haven’t explored the connections between our current parenting challenges and our experiences as children related to similar issues, we may – consciously or unconsciously – repeat them. We get caught up in a cycle of shame and guilt and then fear and regret when we feel out of control with our children and at times, ourselves.

And there’s brain science to explain why that occurs. Our experiences from our own childhoods are part of our mental wiring. That’s why when children challenge us, we feel it can bring out our worst selves. Parenting from the Inside Out authors explain it this way:

Experiences that are not fully processed may create unresolved and leftover issues that influence how we react to our children…When this happens our responses toward our children often take the form of strong emotional reactions, impulsive behaviors, distortions in our perceptions or sensations in our bodies. These intense states of mind impair our ability to think clearly and remain flexible and affect our interactions and relationships with our children.1

The good news is that patterns can be changed. You can get out of that cycle of shame, guilt, fear and regret. Countless individuals have been able to raise their children in ways that align with their values, changing patterns from their pasts. These individuals are sons and daughters of parents with mental illness, alcoholism and drug addiction and the behaviors that are associated with those illnesses including emotional and physical violence and abuse. Parents with those kinds of experiences as part of their childhood story may not perpetuate an addiction themselves but be quickly wounded when a child lashes out and may be prone to lash back.

So the big question is “How do you change those patterns?” The only path to truly addressing patterns we don’t want to repeat is through self-awareness, intentionality, practice (a.k.a. diligent work on it) and a commitment to continual learning. A mentor recently told me, “The best thing you can do as a parent is get yourself as healthy as possible – physically, spiritually, emotionally.” Perhaps that means seeking a counselor to share your childhood story with to work on processing themes from your past. Perhaps that means journaling, reading and reflecting on how you can heal your own wounds. Certainly it requires learning about how you will replace the old behaviors with new behaviors. Instead of yelling when my child won’t get out of the door on time and we are going to be late for school, what can I do? What can I say? And most importantly, how can I help myself deal with my own emotions in that moment so that I am able to bring a better self to the moment?

Build your own self-awareness first.
We all have blind spots – aspects of ourselves we are simply too close to see. That is why seeking support is so critical. Coaches, counselors, therapists and other mental health professionals are trained to listen to our stories and then reflect our blind spots back to us to help raise our self-awareness. Have you ever said something that, perhaps, had been in your mind but never articulated out loud? And when you did say it out loud to another person, just the act of articulating it gave you your own “aha” insight into yourself. Those moments of raised self-awareness are essential if we are going to grow as parents and bring the selves we want to bring to our children. In addition to talking with a trained professional, reflection is another way to raise self-awareness. Use a journal dedicated solely to parenting and understanding what you bring to parenting from your own childhood. Write out links between your current challenges and how those same kinds of challenges were handled when you were young. Here are a few questions to get you started:

What are the behaviors your children exhibit that challenge you the most?
How do you feel when those behaviors occur?
What actions do you typically take when they occur? What words do you usually use?
Do those words and actions align with your values in life and for parenting? Do they align with what you want to teach your child? How do you know? Here’s the ultimate test — If your child repeated your words and actions in public, would you be glad, proud or ashamed, guilty or angry? If the latter is the case, then it’s time to re-evaluate.
Consider those current kid behaviors that challenge you in the context of your own childhood. Did you exhibit those behaviors? If so, how did your parents react to you? How did you feel in those moments?
And did your parents happen to act in a similar challenging way (to those kid behaviors)? If so, how? And when they did act that way, how did you feel at the time? How did you react at the time? Is it similar to your current reactions to your children?
If you have discovered through your reflections that your words and actions do not align with your values and have uncovered childhood wounds, how can you first address those hurts? How can you deal with them, work to understand them and be compassionate toward the child you were? Consider whether you might need support on the journey toward healing.
And then, how can you find ways to learn about dealing with your current feelings in the moments of great challenge? How can you learn what words and actions would align with your values as a parent? And how can you begin to practice new ways of being?

___________________________________

Gretchen Rubin, author of Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of our Everyday Lives studied what we can do and has a helpful set of suggestions. 2 Though many of her examples are related to weight loss and getting physically healthy, they translate well into parenting habits we want to replace. She offers some helpful supports for making desired changes and I offer my parenting spin on the following.

Define your goal. First she writes that it matters whether you are prevention or promotion-oriented. So consider, do you prefer to stop eating junk foods or do you prefer to start eating healthy foods? It may seem like semantics but the way you frame your goal will help you follow through on it and stay motivated. If you are prevention oriented, your goal may be to stop the yelling. If you are promotion oriented, your goal may focus on promoting calming down strategies when family members are upset.

Learn. An important part of changing patterns is learning how to act differently. We cannot do that without seeking outside resources. A baby boomer recently reminded me that we are parenting in an age of abundant information at our fingertips. So it’s not just a matter of calling Mom (though sometimes that helps). Explore sites, articles and books that seem to be in alignment with your values and spend time learning about what has worked for others. In addition, be certain that you include reading about your own child’s developmental milestones. I place a reminder in my calendar each year on the week of my son’s birthday to read about that year’s milestones. So often, challenging kid behaviors are related to their learning and developmental process so your understanding of those issues will extend your empathy, compassion and patience.

Create a ritual or routine. Rubin writes about the virtue of starting with a clean slate, meaning finding a time in life that is already a turning point (a move, a new job, a new grade level for your child) and begin your change at that point. But you need not wait for a major life change to get started. You can create one by developing a ritual or establishing a routine. Want to yell less? Perhaps your ritual involves writing out all of the wounds from your own childhood you are attempting to heal and burning them (safely!) in your fireplace to release their hold on you. Then, perhaps you create a routine of “inside voice level” talk with your whole family. Ask members, “How can we help each other to remember to keep our voices at a reasonable level?” and “What can we do to calm down when we are getting angry at one another?” If you decide that each family member agrees to take five deep breathes in the midst of a conflict, then practice and make it a routine. Each time there’s a disagreement, before it escalates too far, remind each other to take five deep breathes. Do you need a note on the fridge to remind you? Do what you can to help yourself remember so that you become consistent with your new routine. This not only supports changing your behavior, it also changes your brain wiring as you act consistently in this way. And in turn, your children will react accordingly.

Take care. Changing an undesirable pattern takes focus, commitment, persistence and hard work. That means that if you are sleep deprived, you are going to be much less likely to have the capacity to follow through on your new routines or practices. If you are serious about changing a pattern, then you need to get serious about your own self care at the same time. Rubin writes that

It’s helpful to begin with habits that most directly strengthen our self-control: these habits serve as the foundation of all our habits. They protect us from getting so physically taxed or mentally frazzled that we can’t manage ourselves. 2

These habits are ones that help us to sleep, move, eat and drink right and unclutter. It may feel like an onslaught of goals to try and tackle a parenting challenge along with eating healthier. But the truth is one will support the other. The aforementioned areas will help reinforce other patterns you are trying to change by meeting your physical and emotional basic needs allowing you to focus on your goal – your desired behavioral changes.

Schedule it. If it’s in the calendar, it gets done. It’s just that simple. If it’s not in the calendar, it’s questionable whether it will get accomplished. So go ahead and book your practice toward achieving your goal. Maybe you put in your calendar practicing deep breathing for five minutes each day after you drop your child off at school. Maybe you schedule your practice with your child after school to bring some accountability to your practice. I find if I am focused on teaching my son, I am much more committed to the task. Writing down a regular time to practice implementing the new behavior will assist you in following through and actually doing it.

Establish accountability. Certainly you are accountable to that sweet face that is your child and she is what likely incited you to develop a goal in the first place. However it is helpful to establish multiple points of accountability to support you and keep you on track. Rubin writes that

Accountability is a powerful factor in habit formation, and a ubiquitous feature in our lives. If we believe that someone’s watching, we behave differently. 2

So how can you make yourself accountable? One first step is to let all family members know that you are working on yelling less and require their support. If they’ve noticed you’ve yelled that day, you could ask for them to give you that feedback, gently and kindly, by the day’s end. You could agree upon a hand signal to use that will help everyone moderate their voices. I often use a kitchen timer to help me remain on task or remind me to change gears. How can you find a way to make yourself accountable?

Recognize steps. No one person can skip from A to Z, from failing to succeeding, from irrate to fully calm. But it’s critical that we recognize our steps along the way to keep up our motivation. We have to see some progress to feel like we can forge ahead with some success. So be realistic about your steps forward. Recognize when you have made changes, even if small, even if for one day. Call it out to family members or write it down in your calendar. “My child came home from school and had a frustration meltdown. I kept calm and didn’t yell.” Those small steps represent your progress toward permanent habit changes. So do give yourself credit for each step of the way.

One of my favorite quotes from experts on change is “When change is successful, it is the quality of the little things that makes the final difference.” 3 Becoming a parent helps uncover our identity in a way that no other experience can. If we embrace that fact as an opportunity for greater learning and development, we can become the person and the parent we truly want to be.

References

Siegel, D. & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out, How a Deeper Self Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. NY: Penguin Group.
Rubin, G. (2015). Better than Before, Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives. London, UK: Two Roads Books.
Hall, G.E. & Hord, S.M. (2001). Implementing Change, Patterns, Principles and Potholes. Needham Heights, MA: Allyn and Bacon.

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Posted on March 1, 2016 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Becoming a Mother – One Woman’s Experience

It’s difficult to believe that I babysat for this bright-eyed girl as full of creativity back then as she is now. But the years have added sophistication, well-honed writing skills, a calming speaking presence and the wisdom from life experiences that can only come from becoming a mother. Lane Pierce now writes creative essays on parenting for the award-winning blog, Scary Mommy and also she is a regular contributor to Listen to Your Mother, a program produced by Milwaukee’s National Public Radio. The process of becoming a mother so fundamentally changes our identity that telling the story whether to friends or through writing seems like an act of self-care. We need to tell that story because it has so significantly impacted our lives and reflect on its power. I thoroughly enjoyed her reading of her essay entitled “Ready or Not” and thought you might enjoy it too.

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Posted on February 25, 2016 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Learning from You…

We want to learn more from you about your parenting.

The following survey will only take a few minutes. It asks some simple questions about how you parent and how that might be similar or different from the way you were raised by your parents. Please help us advance our understanding about this critical area.

Click here to answer a couple of questions and help us learn from you!

This survey is one initiative in a partnership between Confident Parents, Confident Kids’ Author Jennifer Miller and Roger Weissberg, Chief Learning Officer of the Collaborative for Academic, Social and Emotional Learning (CASEL) at the University of Illinois at Chicago and Shannon Wanless, Assistant Professor of Applied Developmental Psychology at the University of Pittsburgh to learn more about parenting practices and social and emotional learning.

For more information from our partnership:

Check out the new parent resources list on the University of Illinois at Chicago’s Social and Emotional Learning Research Group site including a top ten parenting books recommendation list by Jennifer Miller.
Read the 2015 article in The Huffington Post Education section on The Power of Parenting with Social and Emotional Learning.

Parenting Skills Add to Physical Health and Longevity

Sir Michael Marmot, who directs the Institute of Health Equity at University College London and is president of the World Medical Association, published an article in Scientific American this week reviewing research that sheds light on the importance of parents’ ability to help kids develop socially and emotionally. In fact, he cites research studies that find that economic status is less a factor in physical health and longevity than are parents’ feelings of competence and support in helping their children develop. He writes

To improve health, we have to stop blaming the sufferers and look not only at lack of money but lack of other resources. My research, and that of other scientists, points the finger at social and psychological disempowerment, a personal sense of marginalization in society, as a factor with greater effect than lack of money alone. When people feel deprived relative to those around them, stress rises, and then health suffers. Fortunately, the research also indicates that interventions with parents—improving parenting skills, for example—profoundly empowers their children. This, in turn, appears tied to a lifetime of better health.

He provides powerful evidence that finding helpful learning supports and pursuing skill building while parenting can contribute to both parents’ and children’s health and sense of well-being. Check out his article entitled “Better Parenting Skills May Break the Poverty-Disease Connection.” And for a list of organizations and sites to bookmark that provide ongoing supports to parents in addition to this site, check out the parent resources section.

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Posted on February 18, 2016 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Parenting Wisdom from Confident Parents, Confident Kids’ Readers

Recently it occurred to me that this site has compiled three years worth of comments from readers. I thought it might be enjoyable to go through all of the comments and see if I might pull out one or two to quote. As I read through the comments from the past years, I was awed and inspired. There is so much wisdom that has been shared! I didn’t want that wisdom buried in a pile of posts so I pulled some of the best of your comments. Maybe you’ll see your name or a friend’s below? Whether or not you recognize the commenters, do take a moment to read through their thoughts. So many express the efforts they are putting forth in their own homes with their own families to grow social and emotional skills and deepen connections with one another. I was thoroughly inspired by their words and I hope you will be too!

This gallery will have a permanent home on my site which I will update periodically as new comments come in. So please visit and comment! If you are working on or prioritizing values or practices with your family, share them so that we can all learn from your experience. And do check out the statements below.