There are some situations from which it is impossible to shield a child from experiencing. The whole family goes through a crisis – whether it’s a death of a loved one or a fissure between family members – and the children must endure those times right along with the adults. Ready or not, here we go! We are coming up on a milestone event in my own child’s life – his First Communion (a Catholic religious tradition) – which brings back memories of my own First Communion, a traumatic day for me and my family.
Since Mother’s Day is coming up, I wanted to ask the question: “What did my Mother do so well to get me through that day that was particularly difficult for me so that I can learn from it?” You must understand the story in order to understand what she did that, I believe, is a model for me and all mothers.
So many years ago, my Grandmother – my Mother’s Mother – announced to our family that my First Communion would be the last time she would see us. There had been many problems leading up to this point. She had been a caregiver to me for my first three years of life while my Mom worked and there were many boundaries inappropriately crossed. Some of the ongoing disagreements between my Grandmother and Mother led up to my second grade milestone day in which she made this announcement in advance of the event. Strangely she made my dress knowing it was an important occasion for me. And she kept true to her word. Until her funeral twenty+ years later, it was the last time my Mom and I saw her. She stood in the back of a fully congregated Church with a hardened stare that pierced me like a poison dart while I stood with my class at the front. I have only two memories of that day, the rest existing only as a disturbing blur. The first is the angry forcefield she seemed to emanate directly toward me, a force that seemed to eliminate my view of all other people and feelings in the room. But the second memory were the powerfully loving women that surrounded me like a fortress as I came down from the altar, my knees failing me and my body limp, feeling as if I were about to topple over. My Mom, my Aunt and my two grandma-like neighbors held me in their collective arms and made me feel safe. My Father hovered close too. I was losing one central caretaker but the message was clear — I had numerous others who loved and would care for me. Those individuals were all there and poised to support me because of my Mom. She had assembled that support team knowing that it would be needed.
She went through trauma too that day, the kind that I cannot possibly understand – losing her Mother by her Mother’s choice. My Mom anticipated her own stress. And she called upon every person she could imagine to serve as a buffer. Despite her own crisis, she made certain that I was protected. As we approach this date in my son’s life, I am filled with gratitude that he has four grandparents who want to be involved and love and support him in becoming who he wants to become. He has a ready support team for the good times and bad.
And because I realize the occasion brings back difficult memories for my Mom and me, we’ve discussed it in advance. We have put away the old photographs. We have talked through our feelings and reflections. And we are putting them all – the memories – where they belong, in the past. Precisely because we’ve done that reflecting, we are prepared to fully focus on the day at hand and the celebration of the now. We plan to bring our whole selves to this new experience of my son receiving his First Communion and allow him his own fresh, unique memories surrounded by his loving family.
In thinking about the many gifts my Mother has given me, this is only one example of many times that my Mom surrounded me with a fortress of love during crises. As I quickly ticked off in my mind each time crisis struck my family as I was growing up, I can picture those my Mom called upon to offer support. Whether she enlisted neighbors, friends, counselors or teachers, there was a ready team each time I needed it. I realize that protection is what kept me safe and mentally as well as physically healthy. It’s a deeply-felt comfort to know that when trauma strikes a family, though we may feel helpless, we are not. Like my Mom, we can assemble a team and surround our children in a fortress of support to offer resilience. Those times will be remembered by our children just as I remember my own experiences – with gratitude for my Mom. Because of them, I know she’s always got my back. Happy Mother’s Day to all you awesome Moms out there and in particular, Happy Mother’s Day to my very own Mom!
After some happy outdoor play, I heard my son E run straight up to his bedroom and slam the door. As I knocked and entered his room, his face was red and wet with tears. “What happened?” I asked. “Jonathan (E’s cousin) wouldn’t listen to me,” E sputtered between sobs. “I was mad and he put his fingers in his ears and sang so he couldn’t hear me.” It is infuriating when one person is trying to discuss a problem and the other is putting up a wall. Friends and family members will argue. But one of the keys to maintaining and growing intimate relationships is fighting fairly. Throughout childhood, kids are beginning to understand how to disagree and struggle with another person’s perspectives. They may be more impulsive and lash out or run away or even dig in their “heels” deepening the power struggle. I’ve heard many Moms’ laments over their siblings fighting repeatedly over the same issues at the same time of day when patience is low and kids are tired and hungry for dinner. So how can you deal with your children’s conflicts? Take a look at your own arguments. Kids are learning directly from observing how we handle conflicts with our partners. Do you shout or name call or run away? Whether we like it or not, our kids are keen observers of how we work through our arguments. Their sense of security is shaken, whether they are a toddler or a teenager when they witness their parents fighting. So they are eager to see how and whether we are able to resolve our problems and move toward a closer relationship.
John Gottman, who has done extensive research on marriage, found that couples who stayed together versus those who divorced did not fight less. In fact, they fought just as often. But there were some keys to how they fought fairly. He writes, “A lasting marriage results from a couple’s ability to resolve the conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship.”1 In addition, they balanced their negativity with positivity. There was, in fact, a magical amount of five positive interactions to one negative interaction, called the Gottman Ratio, that allowed for long-term, sustainable relationships. And it’s true with our parent-child and sibling relationships as well. Consider at the end of a particularly difficult day with your kids, “Did they have five positive interactions with you to counteract the one challenging one?”
Studies have been conducted on how kids’ developing brains are impacted by parents’ conflicts. Kids who lived in households with regular fighting experienced a stress level others who lived in more peaceful households did not. Over time, that stress compromised their brain development leading to impairments in learning and memory. But kids who lived in households in which parents argued but genuinely resolved the arguments (Kids were aware if parents faked a resolution.) were actually happier than before they experienced the argument, claims E. Mark Cummings, senior researcher at Notre Dame University. He writes
It reassures kids that parents can work things through. We know this by the feelings they show, what they say, and their behavior—they run off and play. Constructive conflict is associated with better outcomes over time. 2
If the quality of the fighting and subsequent interactions is critical in sustaining a healthy marital relationship, then it’s conceivable that it is also critical for sustaining positive friend and family relationships. And since kids learn directly from the modeling of their parents’ arguments, it’s worth examining how you fight with one another.
There are ways of fighting that are unfair and those are important to discuss as a family. Using physical force, for example, of any kind has been found ineffective. In fact, a recent meta-analysis of five decades of research showed that spanking a child results in short-term negative outcomes like aggression and defiance and long-term outcomes like substance abuse. 3 Also, when a child goes to another child or adult to get them on “their side” of the conflict, that triangulation can create deeper problems for all involved. There are four other ways of fighting unfairly, in particular, that were identified by expert John Gottman, leading to the destructiveness of relationships. These forms of fighting were regularly found in the relationships that were headed for separation or divorce. In addition to creating an agreement between you and your partner not to use these forms of fighting, I’ve listed ways to teach your kids not to use them as well.
1.Criticism.
Though it can be tempting to criticize another (and at times, it may seem harmless), those words constitute an attack on the person you love. Focus on the problem at hand, the struggle, not the quality or character of the person with whom you are fighting. Criticism of another can remain in the heart and mind of the recipient and whittle away at the trust in a relationship.
Teaching your kids.
When my child is mad at another, I typically say “We are all learning. Your friend is learning too.” Focus on the problem not on the person. He may not be getting his needs met. We may not be able to understand why he is doing what is making us mad but we can understand that there’s a reason for it. Reframe how you discuss the problem. Say “What actions/choices didn’t you like?” versus “What did he do wrong?”
2. Contempt.
Contempt is another way of showing disdain for another person. It may involve name-calling, hostile humor or sarcasm, dismissive or baiting body language or mockery. None of these are fighting fair. Not only are they forms of character attacks but they also have the implicit intention to harm the other’s feelings.
Teach your kids about the destructiveness of name-calling by using the broken heart example.
Teaching your kids.
It’s never okay to name call no matter how mad you are or think the other deserves it. You might ask, “If you held up a mirror and that body language or words came back to address you, how would you feel?” One way we taught kids about hurting other’s feelings in schools was by the broken heart example. Draw a simple heart on a piece of paper. Now have the child call the paper disparaging names. Tear the paper each time he calls it a name. When finished, work together to tape the paper back together. Though you can reassemble the heart, it becomes permanently damaged. Children need to understand their words can have that same impact. Don’t allow contempt to pass between siblings. Tell them to go cool off first. Then, come back and you can help kids talk to one another in constructive ways.
3. Defensiveness.
Being on the defensive is a slippery slope that sinks further down into the argumentative mire. It does not help anyone work toward a resolution. It’s easy to become defensive when the other is placing blame. So make a rule in your household. Avoid words like “always” and “never” in conflicts. First of all, it can’t be true that someone is always one way or never another. And second, it leads to further escalation of the conflict and often to hurt feelings. The best way to avoid defensiveness is by owning your own role in the problem and hoping (though there’s no forcing it) others will accept their roles.
Teaching your kids.
“Always” and “never” are not permitted in arguments in our household. If they are used, it’s time to cool down and see what other words could be used. Also, teach your kids to say how they played a role in the situation first. Owning their role takes courage and teaches them how to take responsibility in the most challenging of circumstances.
4. Stonewalling.
This takes place when a person refuses to listen, shuts down the argument or gives the silent treatment such as Jonathan closing his ears and singing. Make no mistake about this technique. It is not peacemaking. Far from it, this method of fighting is aggressive and hurtful to the person on the receiving end.
Teaching your kids.
Don’t allow kids to confuse time to cool down with stonewalling. There is a significant emotional difference. In the first, a person leaves upset and returns calmer and ready for constructive dialogue. In the latter, a person leaves upset and the upset escalates with both conflict participants. Silent treatment or shutting down another person only leads to more problems, hurt and upset. When kids are calmer, encourage them to come back together to work it out. If they struggle with talking, have them write to one another. Communication between the two is critical to work through their problem. For more on facilitating problem solving between kids in conflict, check out “Working It Out.”
Establishing some guidelines for fighting fair for all family members can ensure that you are ready when the inevitable problems arise.
Guidelines for Fighting Fair
Get proactive about how you are going to calm down. What do you do when you feel the heat rising in your face from anger and frustration? Develop your own plan for calming down in advance of troubles. And have the discussion with your family. Use the Family Emotional Safety Plan as a simple guide for that discussion. Also, are there times of the day when siblings tend to fight over and again? If so, proactively institute a quiet time or “brain break” as schools who use mindfulness practices call it. A brain break involves simply sitting down and focusing on breathing to regain calm.
Trust that the other person has good intentions. If we begin from a place of blaming and accusation, defensive walls go up on both sides. In order to keep those emotional walls from being erected, we need to trust that there is a good reason behind the other’s arguments.
Start with empathy. When a conflict arises, training yourself to think about the thoughts and feelings of the other involved helps us communicate with compassion and fairness. It can be difficult to focus on empathy when we are in our own heads reinforcing our perspectives and creating new arguments to support our main points. But after a focus on calming down, we are more capable of doing this. You might begin with, “I think you are feeling worry and frustration and you want me to change my actions so that you don’t feel that way anymore. Is that correct?”
Take responsibility for your role only. Ask “What’s my role in this problem?” and “How can I articulate my role fairly?” You may say “I admit that I didn’t pick up your library book today but I am feeling frustrated because I had a good reason why I did not.” This also helps avoid the blame game. When you take responsibility for your own role in the situation, the other is more likely to take responsibility for his role as well.
Seek understanding. Often we cannot move on from our conflicts because we feel so sorely misunderstood. And at times, though it can be uncomfortable, we miss the chance to gain understanding by not sharing our feelings thinking it will leave us vulnerable. In fact, it is in the sharing of our feelings that we begin to connect more deeply on the core problem and offer a chance to resolve it constructively. In order to resolve the issue, use “I” message language. “I feel frustrated and mad when you don’t tell me you are coming home late because I’ve worked hard on a family dinner.” And make sure you offer to turn the tables to gain understanding of your partner’s perspectives.
Work together on an agreement. No agreement is going to work if needs – physical or emotional – are not met. So before finding solutions ask “What needs have to be met on both sides?” Then with those needs in mind, discuss ways you might move forward and resolve the problem.
End with love. This is typically not a possible way to close a conflict if the problem is still there, not truly resolved. But if you’ve heard each other’s feelings and thoughts, worked to understand one another and tried to resolve the problem fairly, then ending with an expression of your love and care is not only possible, it’s likely.
Conflicts are the most rigorous tests of our relationships. Reflect with your partner on your own methods of arguing so that you can ensure you are modeling the behaviors you want your kids to learn. And give your children ample practice with calming down and then communicating with each other in respectful and constructive ways so that when they are on their own in the world, they will carry those critical problem-solving skills with them. If you do, you will feel confident that your kids will be prepared to pursue healthy, sustainable relationships.
3. Elizabeth T. Gershoff, Andrew Grogan-Kaylor. Spanking and Child Outcomes: Old Controversies and New Meta-Analyses. Journal of Family Psychology, 2016; DOI: 10.1037/fam0000191
“Friends are more important than devices.” I hear my son echo our family refrain as a friend arrives at our door with a request to play while E is in the midst of his screen time. We’ve talked about why screen time should be limited. He understands that his brain and body need lots of different experiences to develop and the screen offers only one. We’ve talked about how, if screen time takes up most of his time, then it takes away from experiences like playing with friends, family or on his own. And though, at times, it takes encouragement, he’ll typically turn off the screen and run out to play. It helps if I bring the friend inside and he looks up long enough to make eye contact. When he sees the gleaming eyes of his pal eager to bust out of our door into the beautiful day and discover whatever adventure awaits, then he’s on his way.
Because we live in a differing reality from our own upbringing with easy access to highly engaging, fast-paced, often passive entertainment, we have a greater challenge in safeguarding play for our kids. But we know it’s critical. Play is the vocation of childhood. It’s the central vehicle for kids’ physical, cognitive, social and emotional development. In play, a child is in control of the world he creates, his only limitation being his imagination. Developmental Psychologist Lev Vygotsky wrote, “In play, a child is always above his average age, above his daily behavior; in play, it is as though he were a head taller than himself.” Children have the ability and urge, if left to their own devices, to create highly advanced pretend play scenarios, both social and solo. In social play, kids practice cooperation, negotiation, inclusion, communication, flexibility and diversity appreciation. In solo play, children can grow their sense of identity and also practice perspective taking abilities as they pretend to be another person.
Pretend play also can serve a significant role in a children’s mental health and sense of well-being. They are able to face the most feared obstacles with the courage of a true hero whether it’s confronting monsters or villains, weapons or diseases and even injury or death. Through play, they can conquer these fears and show their strength and resilience.
Social and solo play not only contribute to developing kids’ social and emotional life skills but they also contribute to academics. Often imaginative play will include counting (math), categorizing (science) and storytelling (language) among many other cognitive essentials for school age children. And there is just no such thing as growing too old to play. When adults are creative or engage in any art form, there is play at work.
Jayne Greenberg of the President’s Fitness Council in the NBC Parent Toolkit Twitter Chat offered her perspectives on physical development and play. She advised that young children should not be inactive for longer than a 60 minute period of time. She also advised limiting screen time to two hours per day though the average American child experiences seven hours of screen time per day. So if play is essential to a child’s learning, then our most critical role as parents is safeguarding the chance for it to occur. And those windows of time tend to be narrow particularly with school-age children who are focused on an academic curriculum most of the day and in after school programs including sports or tutoring. Also somehow dinner time and bath time have to figure into the agenda. And that leaves precious few moments during the week to allow for that playtime.
Here are some ideas for ways parents can safeguard their children’s play.
Maintain a daily sacred time for play. Perhaps you name the time after homework and before dinner as free play or monkey time? Play shouldn’t be a chore but if it’s a treat to get to that moment in the day when freedom reigns and time for joy and enjoyment is calling, those perspectives will only lead to an eager response from your child.
Dream together about play when not playing. When outside the home at events or extracurriculars, use the stimulus around you to fuel your imagination and discuss play ideas. “Oh – just like that collage (at the Art Museum), I”ll bet we could gather materials in our yard and see what we could make!”
Establish a family value – “People before screens.” This one challenges the adults in our family more than the children. This value compels us to pay attention when people around us need it. If a friend comes knocking during screen time, we focus on the friend. If a family member has a story to share, we put down devices. We never bring phones to our dinner table. While eating together, we silence them at that time so they are not pinging, dinging and singing in another room. We want to send the message over and again, “The people we love and who are standing in front of us are the most important and warrant our attention.”
Educate your children on the “whys” of limiting screen time. If parents are the rule setters and enforcers without any involvement or understanding on the children’s part, there are bound to be power struggles. Why establish that dynamic? Offering your children an understanding of how their time is divided and how it impacts their development is not only possible but necessary. As they progress through the school years and the demands upon their free time grow greater and more intense, they will have practiced time management and prioritization. Try drawing your own poster on their divisions of time to help them see what free time they have. This will also give them the chance to have practiced using their time for play, even when a playmate is unavailable. This “habit” of how they use their free time can contribute to their sense of well-being and self-care throughout the years into adulthood. For information and support on how to educate your children on the why’s of limiting screen time, check out the article, “Smart Home Media Use, Limiting Screen Time.”
Emphasize what your children are getting. Limiting, reducing or taking away all sound like punishment, to adults as well as children. So if we only focus on taking away screen time, children will view it as negative. Focus instead on what children are getting when they put down the device such as freedom, fun and creativity. They sacrifice a lot by spending all of their free time inside in front of a screen. Instead, they could be playing with their friends. They could be playing at the park. They could be using their imaginations.
And here are some ideas for creating a home environment that is conducive to play.
Co-create a home for all toys, supplies. Yes, it requires time to organize the constant influx of toys and supplies that children bring into our house. But how will they learn to care for their property if they are not involved in creating an organized space? So work together as a family to establish bins for art supplies, legos or mermaids. Label them and make them large enough to hold all that needs to be housed there. Then model working with your child a few times to put everything in its proper place. Reinforce and remind (with brief words before times to clean up) that they are responsible for putting all away. Classroom Spaces That Work author Marlynn K. Clayton writes that when children are responsible for keeping up an orderly space after play, it facilitates cooperation and “promotes a child’s sense of independence and self-reliance, encourages care of materials and creates a sense of safety and security so children are more likely to take risks in learning.”
Stock imaginative play supplies. Arts and crafts materials are wonderful to have at the ready. Costumes of all kinds serve as regular aids to pretend play (and are one of my favorite gifts for children). Stock tactile materials that will spur the imagination such as play dough, sand and bins of water or rice. Household tools (pots and wooden spoons make a great jam band) or occupational toys offer chances for children to enter into the adult world in their own exploratory way. My parents supplied me with forms of many kinds – outdated checks, train travel forms, waitress pads and driving logs. These were the basis for endless adventures. Musical instruments allow children to create their own compositions together. Building blocks of all kinds (Classic Legos without instructions, Connect-agons and Bristle blocks to name a few) can offer a child the chance to imagine.
Play with your children. It need not be every day. But your willingness to get down on the floor and allow your child to lead you in play has a positive influence in several ways. It deepens your trusting relationship. And it offers your child a rare opportunity to exercise control over the adults in his life. It gives him a leadership position and the chance to try on “being in charge.” Research shows that child-led play with parents sets the stage for children’s ability to play successfully with peers. Play along with whatever scenario your child instigates to see where it leads. I will often set a timer for myself to offer my own accountability in playing with my son. My time is limited with many responsibilities. The timer allows me to completely focus on play and realize that I’ll be guided to begin dinner or my next activity when the timer goes off.
Read daily with your children. Reading with your child, perhaps as part of your bedtime routine, can spur a child’s imagination through story. Watch as your child riffs on plot lines through his pretend play. Share in those stories together and discuss worlds that would not be a part of your existence if not for the gift of books.
In our Digital Age, parents have new role in safeguarding time for play. The benefits of ensuring play’s role in your child’s life are numerous. Not only will it advance his brain development, but it will deepen your connectedness as a family.
References
Clayton, M.K. & Forton, M.B. (2001). Classroom Spaces That Work. Turners Falls, MA: Northeast Foundation for Children.
Tonight, join me and colleague, Jayne Greenberg, Director of Physical Education and Health Literacy for Miami-Dade County Public Schools for “The Power of Play” to talk about how play can impact children’s development and also what kinds of roles we can play as parents to encourage it. Check out Twitter at #ToolkitTalk at 7:00 p.m. EST.
The following includes my opening remarks to set the tone for our local discussion and the national Education Nation live broadcast in Baltimore on “Supporting Our Students, It Takes Everyone.” After my introduction, there are some of the questions and comments that were raised in this rich, lively discussion.
Believing is all a child does for a living. – Philadelphia Poet, Kurtis Lamkin
Tonight we are talking about how to keep that hope alive. You are here because you play a significant role in the lives of children. Either you are a community leader, a direct service provider or, like me, a parent on the front lines of trying to maximize your child’s development everyday. Parents can act as change makers if we work together to solve our problems.
And we do have problems to solve. When black and multi-racial students who graduate from high school struggle to get a college degree and face daunting job prospects, we still have work to do. And let’s look at our city, Columbus Public Schools, the largest district in our state. On the State School Report Card, Columbus City Schools received an “A” for overall progress so we are moving in the right direction. We have strengths from which to build. But the district received “D”s and “F”s for achievement and an “F” for closing the achievement gap.
We can draw upon science to help us solve our problems. I can only share my perspectives as a white educator who cares deeply about providing high quality learning supports for all of our children. When I enter a conversation on race, I become awash with feelings of fear, shame and guilt. And the emotional intelligence educator in me knows that I am beginning that conversation with the use of my survival brain. This is the part that allows me only two choices – fight or flight. Now when it comes to fighting, I teach nonviolence. I escort insects out of our house and release them into the wild so fists aren’t an option for me. But I fight with my defenses, my excuses. And that’s not good enough. We have to have the courage to lean into these hard conversations to solve our toughest problems.
So I know that first, I need to calm down. I need to breathe. Do it with me now. Let’s take three collective deep breaths. This opens us up and gives us access to the logical part of our brain and the creative part of our brain so that we can bring our best selves to work on these thorny issues.
And we can do this at home with our children. What if each time you felt angry with what you saw on the news, you told your family, “I need a minute to calm down.”? Or when you are feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and fear from the violence you see on our community streets, you ask your family to give you a moment to calm down? You may plop down in the middle of your living room and just breathe. Those moments will teach your child self-management skills. So that when he goes out into the world and you are not there to protect him, he can deal with intense feelings with emotional intelligence.
So I am working very hard to model self-management skills with my son. I am supporting his learning at home. I am exposing him to differing perspectives to raise him with an open mind. And I am so busy about my important business that my head is down. And I haven’t look up long enough to see across the street – to the child who is my son’s age. For whatever complex family reasons I cannot possibly understand, he is alone, angry and hurt. And it seems to build day by day. He takes it out on his video games or occasionally kicking a cat but there is a stranglehold on his spirit. And one day, he feels like he’s going to explode. His Dad’s collection of guns are left out for cleaning and this son is alone in the house yet again. He picks up a gun and walks outside feeling overwhelmed by his life. He sees my son who is playing in the yard. He knows my son receives lots of attention. And he shoots my son. And my life as a parent is over (deep breath).
This is the meaning of “It Takes Everyone.” It’s not enough to care at home. It’s not enough to only love our families. We need to care for our neighbors, our community, our city schools. We need to lift our heads long enough to notice one’s another’s pain and become compassionate. Get involved. Get into the conversation.
Tonight we will be hearing from the Education Nation national panelists in Baltimore on six topics related to: 1. parent engagement in learning, 2. healthy physical development, 3. social and emotional development, 4. Baltimore and how they have worked to heal after Freddie Gray’s death and the protests following, 5. advocating for equity in schools and 6. supports for higher education.
We care about your questions and comments during each segment so please submit them on your index cards at your seat. It is our hope that this will energize our local conversation. And we are committed to following up. So please fill out your interest cards so that we know what topics you are committed to discussing further and how you would like to see this conversation move forward.
The following are some of the questions and comments that were submitted from our local Columbus Watch Party:
Columbus is “resource rich” in the words of a Kirwan Institute report. What can be done, where can one go to find out about the resources available?
The Columbus Urban League has an initiative called Neighborhood Violence Intervention Program which deals with the youth who are not engaged in school but greatly impact what goes on in school such as, gang-involved youth. Does Baltimore employ any strategies that address the challenges with these youth?
The principal and some of the teachers pick random children to fail or mentally abuse causing them to want to give up. How do we correct this action and help our children regain trust in their educators or principals in order for them to have the same equal opportunities as every child in school wanting to learn? How do you remove the negative perceptions of a child’s character as he/she moves through K-12 and even college?
Since approximately one out of five school-age children speak a language other than English at home, how are schools engaging with parents who speak another language at home to bring their knowledge, experiences and perspectives to the school to make connections?
What resources are available to connect youth and families to social and emotional skills during the summertime outside of school particularly those children who have emotional challenges?
We need to have courage in facing our problems and the belief that we can make a difference. Mentoring, pairing a caring adult with a child, can make a significant difference in a child’s motivation to learn and achieve. They feel supported. So many of the national panelists referred to relationships being central to success. We work on family literacy so that there is reading together at home creating connections around stories. Poverty can have a huge impact on academic readiness and success to how we work to meet kids’ needs whether its good nutrition throughout the day or mental health supports, we have to look at all those ways that we can meet children’s basic needs so that they are able to learn. (paraphrased from comment by Alleshia Gillison, Parent Teacher Association)
In Columbus City Schools, we are working on policies that address the whole child. We have implemented Positive Behavioral Intervention Supports to reinforce positive behaviors. We are just starting a Restorative Justice program so that students who regularly get suspended can take responsibility for their actions and give back to the school community to make amends. We have resource officers and police in our schools to develop those relationships with kids in as many as seventeen of our schools. And we have partnerships with the City of Columbus to promote higher education through events at our city parks. We will be engaging in the college education signing day in late April. (paraphrased from remarks by Michael Cole, Columbus Board of Education).
I am grateful to FutureReady Columbus for organizing this event and for the partnership of the Ohio State University’s College of Education and Human Ecology providing an ideal venue. Thank you, #EducationNation, #ParentToolkit and Pearson for such a high-quality dialogue at the national level giving us much to discuss at our local level. I hope you’ll watch this success story of an incredible mother and her son from the national broadcast…
I am eagerly awaiting our watch party tonight at Ohio State University of the NBC Education Nation broadcast entitled “Supporting Our Students, It Takes Everyone,” sponsored by the NBC Parent Toolkit and Pearson Education. FutureReady Columbus and Ohio State University College of Education and Human Ecology are partnering to host our local gathering of 200 parents and community leaders. The purpose of the event is to raise a national conversation in concert with local conversations about how parents can be involved in their child’s education, support healthy development, prepare for higher education and constructively address issues of income, racial and cultural divides and the impacts on children’s success. Resources for parents will be shared to help them best support their children through
– engaging in the school and community
– promoting healthy physical development
– supporting social and emotional development
– teaching equity and inclusion
– promoting higher learning
NBC News Education Nation is convening parents, thought leaders, policy makers, teachers and students for a live, two-hour forum in Baltimore, to rally communities nationwide in supporting students’ education in the classroom and beyond. Produced by NBC News Education Nation with Baltimore affiliate WBAL-TV, and supported by Pearson, this event will be live-streamed on ParentToolkit.com, NBCLearn.com, NBC News, MSNBC and broadcast on WBAL-TV. Coinciding around the one-year anniversary of Freddie Gray’s death, the event will touch on last year’s civil unrest and the impact on students in Baltimore, as well as broader issues faced by students across the U.S., such as access to healthy food options for low-income families, closing the achievement gap, and how to encourage students to pursue higher education. Each panel discussion will be moderated by NBC News Chief Education Correspondent Rehema Ellis, and will be kicked off by a video or TED Talk-style presentation. While there are invited guests, the program will be beneficial for families across the country who watch the live stream of the event and join the conversation on social media platforms. Watch the live streaming of the event on the Parent Toolkit site tonight, Thursday, April 14, 2016 from 6:00-8:00 p.m. EST.
Did you know that play is an essential part of how kids develop social and emotional skills? Find out how and what you can do to support it. Mark your calendar! Let’s talk about “The Power of Play!” I’ll be discussing the impact of play on kids’ cognitive, social and emotional development and my colleague, Jayne Greenberg, Director of Physical Education and Healthy Literacy for Miami-Dade County Public Schools, will bring her expertise on physical development. Hosted by NBC Education Nation’s Parent Toolkit, join us Next Tuesday, April 19th at 7:00 p.m. EST on Twitter at #ToolkTalk.
How do we, as parents, help our kids experience and develop compassion? It’s a concern of mine as I look around me and notice my family’s eyes glued to screens and those activities encroaching on my child’s attention. And when he looks up, is he so busy with school work or Legos that he can only focus on his own needs? But then I recalled my son engaging in a small act of compassion without my prompting and I had reason for hope. It cued me into ways to foster compassion in our children.
It was morning circle time at preschool. Parents and kids were gathered on the floor to listen and participate. We typically sang a song together and the teacher shared announcements. My son’s friend, Tony was itching to tell my son E something. He squirmed in his seat. A few times, he caught himself starting a conversation and then would clamp his hand down on his mouth turning back to face his teacher. He knew he should be listening. I noticed E was aware of his eagerness too.
After circle time, E turned to Tony and asked, “What do you want to tell me?” Tony started and stopped numerous times struggling to find the words. You could see by his wide-eyed expression that this was incredibly important to him. E remained patient while Tony stuttered as his classmates hurried around him heading to the various play stations to start the day. Finally, Tony told E that his Dad couldn’t stay for the morning circle. Last evening, his Dad had fallen in the basement and it had resulted in a bad headache that morning. I watched as E listened so intently to a story that took far longer than a preschooler’s typical attention span. I hung back and noticed E making eye contact and waiting while Tony got out his full story. After, E asked, “Did the fall hurt?” He waited again patiently for Tony’s response and then asked, “Do you think he’s going to be okay today?” Tony assured himself as much as he assured E that yes, his Dad was going to be okay. And I watched as the two of them ran off to the sand table to play, Tony now smiling.
The word compassion means “to suffer together.” Though empathy is related – understanding the thoughts and feelings of another – compassion takes those feelings a step further with the desire to act on those feelings to provide help or support. Sometimes that help or support requires great effort and grand gestures although more often, it involves patience, understanding, listening and being there for a person who is clearly in pain. To truly show compassion is difficult. First, it requires noticing what’s going with others – their thoughts and feelings. So the first step toward compassion is empathy, which alone is tough to master. But then, after we work to feel others’ emotions, we must allow ourselves to “hang in there” with them to help them through whatever it is they are going through.
Adults can become quite adept at shutting down those feelings since, through experience, they know it’s going to be painful. Often we feel we have enough pain of our own. So we feel we are unable to take on another’s. Yet the deepest intimacies and connections are formed through our allowance of that kind of compassion. Daniel Goleman, bestselling author of Emotional Intelligence and Focus, The Hidden Driver of Excellence, says our brains are hard-wired for helping others so that in order to become compassionate, we simply have to notice that another is suffering. He told a story in his TED Talk about seeing a man shirtless and on the ground in the subway. He noticed multitudes of people just walking over him not really noticing him. Daniel bent down to check on him and when he did, suddenly, a dozen others noticed. They found he was starving and had passed out. So in mere minutes, that man was sipping orange juice, holding a hot dog and being revived through the nourishment of strangers. It all started with noticing.
Recently, my friend and collaborator, Shannon Wanless, a developmental psychologist said so eloquently, “It is those small everyday moments that define the parent that we are.” So true. And with that in mind, here are a few thoughts on how we might cultivate compassion with our family members.
Notice hurt or suffering. Because of our automatic tendency to avoid pain, we have to actively work to notice other’s pain. Otherwise, our default may kick in and we may not see what or who is right in front of us. As we notice and comment to our children on other’s pain, we build awareness in our children. My son has always been fascinated by ambulances. But as we know, there is a painful back story to every siren’s call. So I talk about that with my son each time one passes by us. And we think about those individuals, family members and the emergency medical team with the person and hope they will be okay.
Model and practice listening skills. As Steven Covey wrote, “When you really listen to another person from their point of view, and reflect back to them that understanding, it’s like giving them emotional oxygen.” E did that for his friend Tony in preschool and helped him return to his play and learning. We all can use practice in our busy lives. Some listening skills to practice are
Active listening is listening to fully understand what the person is saying, both thoughts and feelings. Wait until the person is clearly finished. A response could be a simple “Yes!” or “Uh-huh.” or “I get it.” Make eye contact and practice placing your full focus on the speaker.
Providing wait time is particularly important with children but can also be important with adults. We get anxious with our own needs and thoughts and jump in
before the speaker can complete his thought. Providing wait time can allow for deeper thinking and better responses particularly when you ask questions of others. What you may perceive as awkward silence may actually provide the space for the speaker to formulate her thoughts and come back to you with a well considered response.
Paraphrasing is echoing back to the person a summary of what they’ve said to check how accurate your listening is and also to confirm to the speaker that you have heard them. It may seem awkward at first. But this step is an important way to teach children how to listen for comprehension. It forces the listeners to step up their game as they are going to be “on the spot” to communicate back what you have said.
Seeking clarification is something that we, as adults, may do naturally. Particularly if we are listening with the intent to learn something from the speaker, we seek clarification on details so that we are certain we understand. Practice seeking clarification with your child and reinforce when they are able to do it on their own. Mom, for example, might say to Dad: “What did you mean when you said you weren’t happy this morning. What happened?”
Questioning or commenting with empathy takes practice. Instead of responding to a speaker with your own opinions or experiences, you focus solely on the content of what has been communicated. Avoid using “I” in your response. An example might be, my son said, “Today Mrs. Smith started a new project. We are going to be building fairy tree houses. I can’t wait.” As a parent, I might be tempted to respond with, “I built a bird house when I was in school.” which focuses back on me. Instead you might say, “Okay. Sounds like you are excited about this project. What else besides sticks do we need to collect?” This empathetic pattern of speaking and listening may come naturally to some but to children, it is a major challenge and requires experience. Your modeling will make a difference in their own comfort with this style of communication.
Demonstrate care. Take a moment to examine your own approach to others. Are you accepting of family members? Neighbors? Colleagues? Friends? Do your conversations with your spouse include statements of understanding, compassion and empathy for those who are different or even who may challenge you? Whether you believe your child is listening or not, the perceptions of you and your partner are internalized by your child and become your family’s culture. Taking some time to reflect on your own values and how you communicate interpersonal problems among family members can set the tone for how your child deals with the outside world.
Use caring conversation tools. Some schools teach children to use a hand signal – thumb pointed to self and pinky finger pointed outward – to offer a “Me too!” while someone is sharing an experience. This allows for connection without interruption. Also practice identifying the feeling in any thoughts shared. For example, “How do you think that made Dad feel today when his boss called him into his office?” And also, distinguish between a person and her choices.
A child is tempted to say “I don’t like Billy.” when Billy takes her toy. Instead help her rephrase and reframe her thoughts to say “I don’t like that Billy took my toy.” Every child makes poor choices but each child can feel like they still belong in a family, classroom or friendship circle.
Encourage cross-age kindness and connection. Whether you have siblings or neighbors of various ages, there is an opportunity to create relationships with children who are different – going through different developmental milestones and experiencing different friendships and curricula during the school day. This becomes great practice for acceptance and inclusion. Do not allow siblings or children in a neighborhood group to be marginalized. Encourage your child to be the one to reach out and include the child who is being left out. With siblings, encourage older siblings to care for younger ones and involve them in play at the level they are able.
Discuss what it means to be a good friend. What it means to be a friend can be a regular topic for conversation to revisit as your child grows and changes. What does it mean to you to be a good friend? How do you feel when you are excluded? How can you make new children in
your school or neighborhood feel welcome? It’s easy to tell children what not to do (and
important in establishing boundaries) but it’s equally important to think through with them what they can and should do instead.
As I reflected on cultivating compassion, I realized, as a parent, I have to lead the way. I have to take those everyday moments to notice the ambulance and the people inside it, to notice the neighbor who is struggling to bring in her garbage can and the friend whose face is wrinkled with worries. My simple intention to do this – to notice – will make all of the difference in raising a compassionate child.
Born with a facial deformity, a fifth grade boy deals with trying to be ordinary while the kids around him act either kind and brave or horribly and mean.
I am honored to be facilitating a watch party in my hometown, Columbus, Ohio of an NBC Education Nation broadcast entitled “Supporting Our Students, It Takes Everyone,” sponsored by the NBC Parent Toolkit and Pearson Education. FutureReady Columbus and Ohio State University are partnering to host our local gathering of 200 parents and community leaders. The purpose of the event is to raise a national conversation in concert with local conversations about how parents can be involved in their child’s education, support healthy development, prepare for higher education and constructively address issues of income, racial and cultural divides and their impacts on children’s success. Resources for parents will be shared to help them best support their children through
engaging in the school and community
promoting healthy physical development
supporting social and emotional development
teaching equity and inclusion
promoting higher learning
NBC News Education Nation is convening parents, thought leaders, policy makers, teachers and students for a live, two-hour forum in Baltimore, to rally communities nationwide in supporting students’ education in the classroom and beyond. Produced by NBC News Education Nation with Baltimore affiliate WBAL-TV, and supported by Pearson, this event will be live-streamed on ParentToolkit.com, NBCLearn.com, NBC News, MSNBC and broadcast on WBAL-TV. Coinciding around the one-year anniversary of Freddie Gray’s death, the event will touch on last year’s civil unrest and the impact on students in Baltimore, as well as broader issues faced by students across the U.S., such as access to healthy food options for low-income families, closing the achievement gap, and how to encourage students to pursue higher education.
Each panel discussion will be moderated by NBC News Chief Education Correspondent Rehema Ellis, and will be kicked off by a video or TED Talk-style presentation. While there are invited guests, the program will be beneficial for families across the country who watch the live stream of the event and join the conversation on social media platforms. Watch the live streaming of the event on the Parent Toolkit site on Thursday, April 14, 2016 from 6:00-8:00 p.m. EST.
We must widen… “our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” – Albert Einstein
“Feed the birds, Mom. Don’t forget today,” E tells me with fervor on one of the last freezing cold days of Winter while the birds chirped longingly for Spring. He heard them on our short walk to our car before school and recognized their need for food. And I appreciated the prompting. Empathy, though crucial to our very survival, is not unique to human beings. Researchers have documented the origins of empathy in numerous animal species. 1 And if you have ever had a pet dog or cat, you likely have experienced this firsthand. When a family member is crying, a cat will come over, sit on the person’s lap, purr and generally, offer comfort. Empathy, our ability to feel another’s feelings and take another’s perspectives, is evidenced from our earliest days when infants cry at the sound of another’s crying. In primates, it’s true as well. But when outsiders pose a threat (in the primate and human worlds), the feeling changes to defense and sometimes aggression. The greatest challenge of our time, writes Frans de Waal an expert on primates, is the “globalization by a tribal species.”1 In other words, empathy, moral thinking and collaboration are more supportive of our global inter-dependence in contrast to competition, defense and us-and-them thinking.
Though we have a natural proclivity toward empathy in conducive circumstances, the skills and thought processes of empathy can be cultivated and honed throughout childhood. In fact, children who demonstrate empathy also show greater social skills, healthy friendships and academic achievement.2 There’s strong evidence to support parents’ significant role in the development of empathy. Parents who are responsive and non-punitive help children develop higher levels of prosocial behavior.3 In addition, there are numerous ways parents and schools can influence the development of empathy. Talking about feelings, exploring consequences to actions and facilitating caring behaviors all contribute.
Springtime is a perfect opportunity to connect to the natural world around you and involve your child in the practice of caring and empathy for other living creatures. My son has been gently moving an extended ladybug community in our bathroom to the outdoors. Even the smallest act can demonstrate the seeds of moral development. Get outside with your children. Explore and while doing so show your respect and care for other living beings. In addition, here are some other ideas to try.
Plant a seed.
E and I have been busy planning for the new vegetable garden we are putting in this year. He cannot wait to plant pumpkin seeds, tend to them and reap the harvest in the Fall. Simply planting one seed whether it’s in the yard or in a cup in your window will give children the experience of tending to a seedling, caring for it and watching it grow. Though you may need to set aside time each day to water the plant and perhaps provide a gentle reminder, be certain to let your child do the watering and care to allow him the full experience of being responsible for a living thing. For more specific ideas and guidance, check out http://www.kidsgardening.org from the National Gardening Association.
Take a nature treasure walk.
Kids don’t have to be convinced to look for natural treasures on a walk. On our walks in central Ohio, we can easily find buckeyes, rocks – some with fossils, bird feathers and more. Along the way because of your careful observation, you might spy interesting creatures running up trees or under rocks. Create a box or other repository for your treasures and at season’s end, display your collection.
Care for your backyard animals.
We fed a resident bunny with carrots over the long, cold winter and delighted in watching the carrots disappear overnight. Putting out nuts for squirrels and chipmunks or birdseed to attract local birds can be a delight and a process of discovery for a child.
Pick up litter.
Doing any activity to clean up the environment will help show care. Wear gloves and go to your local park and pick up trash. Talk about the effects of litter on animals that might live there. Perhaps, take a picnic snack to enjoy at the end of your efforts to bask in the beautiful environment to which you’ve contributed (and of course, afterward, recycle that wrapper!).
Create your own species list.
Avid “birders” create a “life list” in which they note every type of bird they have the chance to view. Do this over the Spring and Summer. Take a notebook on your walks and note the different species you observe. If you find a creature you cannot identify, look it up together and learn more about it.
Photograph or draw beauty.
With a camera in hand or a drawing pad at the ready, you and your child may notice details you had not previously observed. Participating in nature as an artist helps enhance your own sensitivity to the environment. Your keen observation can also contribute to feelings of empathy.
In this season of rebirth and new life, being intentional about the experience of nature with your child can enrich your experiences and deepen your connection. It can also help widen your family’s circle of compassion.
References
1. Waal, F. D. (2010). The Age of Empathy: Nature’s Lessons for a Kinder Society. NYC, NY: Broadway Books.
2. Bonner, T. D., & Aspy, D. N. A Study of the Relationship Between Student Empathy and GPA. Humanistic Education and Development. 22/4 (1984): 149- 154.
3. Eisenberg, N. (ed.). Empathy and Related Emotional Responses. No. 44 in New Directions for Child Development series. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, Inc., 1989.
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There are some situations from which it is impossible to shield a child from experiencing. The whole family goes through a crisis – whether it’s a death of a loved one or a fissure between family members – and the children must endure those times right along with the adults. Ready or not, here we go! We are coming up on a milestone event in my own child’s life – his First Communion (a Catholic religious tradition) – which brings back memories of my own First Communion, a traumatic day for me and my family.
, we are prepared to fully focus on the day at hand and the celebration of the now. We plan to bring our whole selves to this new experience of my son receiving his First Communion and allow him his own fresh, unique memories surrounded by his loving family.
