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Posted on April 10, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Living Democracy to Model and Teach Our Children and Teens

We are hustling this week to get my son’s suit pressed and ready. He’s headed to the State Capitol to propose new legislation in a mock state government experience. This year, he co-wrote a bill focused on the use of artificial intelligence in health care. Last year, his bill actually passed through the state legislature and is now on the books for Ohio schools. He is excited and motivated by this experience of leadership, coming together with students from schools around the state and thinking through the most significant and pressing issues of our time and how state government should play a role through policy. Last night at dinner, I asked, “do you feel like you understand the fundamentals of democracy?” I wondered too about my own role and responsibility as a parent and educator. “What do I need to be teaching and modeling with my family?”

Democracy is not just a professed value and coveted American ideal. It’s also a prescription set forth by the United Nations as a global core value and governmental structure that promotes “human rights, development, peace, and security.”1 The United Nations works globally with decolonized countries to help them become “self-determined” finding their agency as a country. The word democracy simply means “rule by the people.”2 But are we teaching our children enough about what a democracy is? And more importantly, are we teaching them how they can play a role in giving life to our democracy?

Schools play a key role but are too often blamed for causing our nation’s problems. There are numerous ways we can improve our civic and citizenship education in schools. But we all share responsibility. We, as families, also have an important role to play ourselves. An article in Ed Week sums up the identity crisis we are facing as a nation:

Civic knowledge is important. But the crisis we are facing is not fundamentally a knowledge problem. It is a soul problem. As John Dewey reminded us over a century ago, democracy is not merely a set of rules to be followed but rather a form of “associated living”—the embodiment of the commitment we make to build a world in relation with each other. 3

Surveys have shown that youth ages 12 to 17 are hopeful about their future but pessimistic about the state of the country and disengaged with classroom instruction that does not acknowledge a world on fire.4 And in fact, there’s strong unity among parents from across political views and parties with 83% of parents surveyed believing that the federal government should prioritize policies that benefit young people. Yet, 61% of parents across parties believe their voice does not matter in policy decisions.5

So what are the ways in which we can teach the fundamentals of democracy at home? And how can that help us not only feel a sense of agency but also, raise our voices in policy decision-making? First, understanding the core principles and virtues of democracy helps us live them.

The following are from The Bill of Rights Institute.

Core Principles of Democracy:

  • Natural Rights – Rights that belong to humans by nature and can only be justly taken away through due process (following established legal procedures and respecting fundamental rights) such as, life, liberty, and property.
  • Liberty – The agency to think and act without restraint except for laws of nature or interfering with someone else’s rights.
  • Consent – The power of government comes from the people with free and fair elections accessible by all age-eligible citizens.
  • Freedom – The Bill of Rights protects citizens’ rights including freedom of religion, private property, and speech.
  • Justice – A political system that protects the rights of all equally and treats everyone equally under the law.
  • Equality – All individuals have the same claim as humans to natural rights and treatment under the law.

Virtues of Democracy:

  • Courage – To stand firm and take constructive action as a person of character and do what is right, especially when it is unpopular or puts a person at risk. 
  • Justice – Upholding the dignity of all and respecting what is fair and right. 
  • Respect – Defending equal rights and the inherent dignity of all human beings.
  • Responsibility – Acting on fair and sound judgment to preserve the liberty and dignity of self and others even when it is unpopular or puts a person at risk. Taking care of self, family, community and fellow citizens to preserve a civil society.

These are high ideals that we strive for in our schools, communities, courts, and nation.  Perhaps one of the hardest aspects of these principles is the fact that if the government is going to represent all people then all people need to participate. Here are a few ways in which we can begin to live democracy with our families to enact the principles in our own lives.

Listen with Curiosity and Preserve Dignity with Divergent Views. We have to be able to listen and learn from one another. We have to be able to open our minds and hearts to a range of views if we are to preserve the dignity of all. In a recent workshop with a local high school, a diverse range of parents listened with empathy to one another’s pain points and worries about their students without trying to fix the situation or judge either. This simple act of empathetic listening was deeply powerful and people left inspired and wanting more. We can learn to listen with empathy even when we disagree demonstrating through our receptiveness. Being receptive and empathetic does not indicate agreement – we can still believe what we believe – but merely care. 

Learn to Use Nonviolent Communication. Even and especially when a family member has a high level of anxiety or fear, using nonviolent communication strategies can focus on the person’s feelings and needs and not on any specific thing they are saying. Irrational words and actions often come from a place of fear. Instead of contradicting those words, you can practice asking about and reflecting back their feelings and also, inquiring about their needs. Finding ways in which to meet emotional needs is key to everyone feeling safe. For more on nonviolent communication in family life, check out this post.

Share Power. Use “power with” strategies instead of “power over” strategies with intention, learning and practice since it is not a natural tendency for most parents. Yet power struggles never end up teaching what we want to teach. Powering over our children’s ideas and actions sends a message that we do not have faith or confidence in their ability to self-manage. When you feel yourself moving into a power struggle (forcing a situation), pause, step back, and reflect. Instead, ask: How can I choose not to wrestle with power but instead empower and create an opportunity for taking responsibility at an age appropriate level? It can be extremely challenging! But your effort will result in a child or teen who understands how to share power. And that lessen will last a lifetime. Need support? Check out Susan Stiffelman’s excellent book on the topic, Parenting Without Power Struggles; Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids while Staying Cool, Calm, and Connected.

Participate Together. Go to the voting booth together as a family. Include your children and show them what you are doing as you vote. If you prepare for voting by reading about the candidates, show your family what you read and how you become informed. Do you participate in any service or volunteering in your community? Involve your children! Their participation in meeting community members and interacting with people – especially those who need help or have far less than they do – will become an unforgettable and eye-opening experience. Do you write letters to your representatives? Going on a march? Involve family members.

Keep an Ethics Dialogue Going. You’ve likely learned by now that our children’s brain wiring doesn’t fully mature in the area of consequential thinking and responsible decision-making until their mid-twenties. That means that the particular high order thinking skill involved requires a lot of connection-making practice. You can help facilitate that practice simply by raising and discussing ethical dilemmas in your own social circle or on the national scene. We discussed one just today as we saw the cover of Time Magazine and asked the questions: if scientists are capable of reestablishing a species that has been extinct for 10,000 years, is it responsible to do so? Just because we can, does that mean we should? What ripple effect consequences might occur in nature (Jurassic Park?) as a result of introducing a new species into the wild? It seems there are daily topics in the news that are fodder for ethical questioning and consideration. Take advantage and think through your ideas and questions – knowing that there are no “right” answers – with your family.

Make Just Decisions with Courage. If you go along with social expectations and the popular view every time, what will your children learn? There will be a time when the popular view or your community’s expectations differ from what you know in your heart is fair and just. If you don’t make a courageous decision on the side of justice, how will your children ever know how and when it’s right to take a stand? Discuss what values you stand for most in your family life and be sure that your family’s decisions align with those values.

Keep Learning! Our democracy is tremendously complex at each level – local, state and federal. In addition, our history in forming and fighting for our democracy is tremendously complex. So keep on learning – and do the learning with your children. For example, did you know that the core principles of democracy came originally from the Iroquois Confederacy and their Great Law of Peace? Check out the video below to learn more.

Democracy fails when we give away our sense of agency. And it’s not to be taken for granted. It takes work and it takes everyone. There are numerous ways to participate. Perhaps the most revolutionary act is raising the next generation of responsible citizens in your own home. What if we all took that responsibility to heart and did all we can? 

Resources:

Printable Founding Democratic Principles and Virtues – The Bill of Rights Institute:

– for Grade School Students

– for Middle and High School Students

Untold History: Iroquois Confederacy: The Birth of Democracy

Want to check yourself as you communicate with others and their differing views? Or want to check speeches or written documents? Check out The Dignity Index. The Dignity Index is an eight-point scale that scores speech along a continuum from contempt to dignity in as unbiased a manner as possible. By focusing on the sound bites, not the people behind them, the Index attempts to stay true to its own animating spirit: that everyone deserves dignity.

References:

United Nations. Global Issues: Democracy. Retrieved at https://www.un.org/en/global-issues/democracy on April 9, 2025.

Civic Education. The Concepts and Fundamental Principles of Democracy. Retrieved at https://www.civiced.org/pdfs/books/ElementsOfDemocracy/Elements_Subsection3.pdf on April 9, 2025.

Mirra, N. & Garcia, A. (2024). Schools are often blamed for floundering democracy. It’s not that simple. 3 urgent steps to overhaul civics education. Ed Week. Nov. 5.

Miller, C.C. (2024). Today’s Teenagers: Anxious about their Futures and Disillusioned by Politicians. The New York Times.

Lake, C., Snell, A., Gormley, C., Vinyard, I., Gillett, M., Anderson, K. S., O’Neil, E., Alles, D., Collins Coleman, E., & Robb, M. (2025). The state of kids and families in America, 2025. Common Sense Media.

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Posted on April 3, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

The Best Birthday Present for Your Child or Teen; Gaining Empathy and Understanding of their Age and Stage

Why can’t he organize his time better? He knows he needs to study over time not cram it all into one night.

Why does she do her homework and then forget to turn it in?

Why does he want to hang out in the basement so much when he could be out with friends or doing something with us?

What is this sudden fascination with makeup? She’s far too young!

As parents, we get frustrated with our children’s and teen’s behavior and depending upon our parenting attitudes, make conclusions to answer these “why” questions. We know that the way in which we choose to parent brings together a combination of our own upbringing (our original parenting training), our worldview (is it a helpful world? Is it a harsh world?), how we understand and view how to motivate others to action, and how we believe we need to prepare our children today for their future. And in addition, we know that our children and teens view their lives from a widely different vantage than we do. So many of our challenges with our children and teens are related to their development. And our level of frustration can rise without understanding where their awareness level is and what they are focused on learning at each age and stage. How do we know our expectations are reasonable of them in their development? When parents have the opportunity to dream about what they need most in dealing with their children’s challenges, patience is one of the number one responses. So how can we gain patience?

We cannot remember our true perspectives in those earlier stages of life to gain empathy. And even if we could, they would not be relevant since the context — the social and cultural environment in which our children are growing up — is far different than the context we grew up in. And that context plays a significant role in how they are learning and growing. Researchers have examined parents’ ability to take the perspective of their child.1 Parents who could predict their children’s thinking and reasoning ability were far better able to match their thinking and advance it through their teaching efforts. Another study found that parents who could accurately identity their child’s thoughts and feelings in a conflict were better equipped to resolve the conflict with both child and adult feeling good about the outcome. And finally, yet another study found that parents who could understand their child’s mental states also were more able to promote a secure attachment, which we know is critical in our child’s developing sense of self and confidence later in life.

So what is the best birthday present we can give to our children? Yes, empathy, understanding, and perspective-taking. A child’s birthday is an ideal time to learn about their perspectives because of the change in age and stage. The steps to building empathy for our children’s perspectives are simple but require our time and focused attention. When we devote this time and attention, we’ll discover that we’ll extend our patience because we can see daily situations even frustrations from their perspective.

Let’s take a look at some simple ways we can give this valuable present to our children.

  1. Set an intention. You can do this on your own or if you are fortunate enough to have a partner in parenting, then it’s ideal to establish an intention together. Intention statements aim your focus in a particular direction. Write down your intention and post it in a place that will help remind you (instead a kitchen cabinet?). “We are going to take steps to observe and learn about our child’s perspectives at their age/stage.” You are far more likely to achieve any goals you set if you create an intention.
  2. Read! If you have fifteen minutes, read these age-specific summaries from the American Academic of Pediatrics at healthychildren.org. They review what your child is learning physically, linguistically, socially,  cognitively, and emotionally, all of which are important to understand. If you would like a book or two on the topic to get at the ready, here are a few we recommend:
    1. Ages and Stages; A Parent’s Guide to Normal Childhood Development by Charles E. Schaefer, PhD. and Theresa Foy DiGeronimo (Birth to Age 10)
    2. Healthy Development and Well-Child Support Chart by the American Academy of Pediatrics (Birth through Adolescence)
    3. The Whole-Brain Child; 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD. – Take a particular look at the whole brain strategies for supporting development by age and stage on pgs. 154-168.
    4. Confident Parents, Confident Kids – We can’t leave this out! This book offers an age by stage guide (by age range) of children’s and teen’s social and emotional development and ways we, as parents, can be supportive.

3. Observe and listen. Now that you have some research-backed information on your child’s specific developmental milestones they are working on, observe them. What do you notice that aligns with what you’ve read? How does it show up in your daily life? Listen to their thoughts and feelings. How does it reflect the awareness level you’ve come to understand they likely have at this age/stage? How are they seeing their world? Consider the challenges you’ve had with them. How does their perspective shape or influence these challenges? How can you view them through their age/stage lens?

4. Journal and reflect. Write down your observations. Include quotes and notes on feelings you observe and the situations they are in that helped create those feelings. These may become precious to you someday as you save them and look back. But for today, they will begin to formulate a picture of empathy and understanding.

5. Share. Share your observations with all family members. Invite their insights. Your child is never too young to learn about their own process of development. By the way, perhaps this may generate some curiosity in your own adult development. We never stop developing even though in our emerging adult years after school has ended, the world attempts to convince us we are finished with our learning and awareness raising. If your curiosity is peaked, check out the Harvard Study of Adult Development.

6. Ritualize. Make this an annual event. Allow your child’s birthday to remind you that it’s also a time to learn about where they are in their development. Go through these simple stages again and feel more prepared to meet any new challenges with a strong dose of empathy and understanding!

Imagine how your life might have been altered had your parents done this for you at each birthday milestone. Your understanding of your child’s perspectives will help them feel a sense of safety, trust and value. And in your role as a parent, you will begin to feel a greater sense of competence as you meet challenges feeling informed about where your child’s is in their learning and growth. Mark your calendar now to give your child or teen the best birthday present you can possibly give! 

Reference:

Grusec, J.E. (2006). Parents’ Attitudes and Beliefs: Their Impact on Children’s Development. Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development. Toronto, CA: University of Toronto.

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Posted on March 27, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Encouraging Self-Management through Parent and Child Brain Breaks at Home

By Demetra Mylonas and Gina Cherkowski, PhD.

The school day is over, but the real challenge is just beginning.  Before heading home to tackle homework, prepare dinner, and shuffle between swim practice for one child and dance lessons for the other, there’s one quick errand to run—the grocery store. But everyone is exhausted, hungry, and eager to get home.

The store is crowded, the checkout lines are long, and the tension is rising.  The kids are bickering, and just as things feel overwhelming, your phone rings. It’s an important call you’ve been waiting for all day—one you can’t ignore, even though it’s the last thing you want to deal with right now.

As the kids get louder and more restless, you snap, whisper-shouting for them to “calm down” and “stay still.”  Instead of settling, they become even more agitated.  Meanwhile, you’re unloading groceries, thinking of the events that are on the schedule this evening, juggling phone calls, all the while trying to keep your frustration in check. But with every passing minute, the situation feels more unmanageable.

Sound familiar? 

Planning and Three Deep Breaths

These moments are normal. We all have them.  With a little preparation and a shift in approach, moments of struggle can become more manageable.  When we do sense that we are becoming overwhelmed, we need to remember to take three deep breaths. 

Most parents intuitively know how to model calmness and slowing down in times of intense emotionally-driven behaviors in their children and further know to encourage their child to regain their calm, so that the situation can be dealt with.  This technique may not always work for various practical reasons such as, the situation may not allow for it, as per the vignette. But it can also work wonders. Yet, children need to be explicitly taught in order for the strategy to work.  Many children do not intrinsically know what it means to calm down and how to calm down, and sometimes, well-meaning parents inadvertently make the situation worse. In a heated moment, they may demand, “calm down!” but have not rehearsed what they looks and feels like with the child. To add further complexity, children with neurodiverse learning needs may require additional support and practice to learn to regulate their nervous systems.  

Self-management, or self-regulation is about having the ability to manage one’s emotions and respond to what our bodies need.1  In situations where a child is feeling hijacked by an intense emotional state, unless they have been explicitly taught a set of skills to help them get back to a functional arousal state, their logical thinking abilities cannot be accessed.  This management function is promoted by and learned effectively through the purposeful and explicit practice of brain breaks.  More and more, these strategies are taught and practiced in schools, which allow students to energize their minds and free regions in their brains that aren’t functioning correctly due to stress and cognitively challenging work.2  The positive outcome of learning and practicing these brain breaks with your own children is extraordinary.  Parents and teachers have found that these learnings are beneficial for all children, regardless of specific learning or behavioural needs. 

What exactly is a brain break?

Brain breaks are quick, structured breaks using physical movement, mindfulness exercises and sensory activities to help our brains stay focused and attentive, by helping to carry blood and oxygen to the brain.  These breaks allow different regions of the brain that are blocked by stress or high intensity work or situations to revitalize by switching activity to different brain networks.3 Brain breaks need to be taught, learned and practiced before fatigue, boredom, inattention or stress sets in. Learning how to calm when your body feels excitement or stress is a skill that requires explicit teaching and practice, so that when one needs it, the brain knows what to do.  Simple, at home, family-focused strategies help teach our little ones how to manage their emotions.

How can brain breaks be used at home?

Breathing Practice: There are many types of breathing and calming techniques that can be introduced and practiced at home.  Teaching these at home as part of the day’s routine, allows the learning to take place in a repetitive, non-threatening manner, and then can become part of the child’s repertoire they can access when situations call for them.  Learning to take a pause, learning to take a few, long, cleansing breaths and the reasons why this helps, can be easily and effectively worked into your home routine.  Take for example the often-chaotic morning rush.  Starting each wake up with a big, deep breath, (and a little cuddle), not only brings fresh oxygen into the brain, but it also helps set the tone of calm. Here are a few breathing techniques to practice together:

  • Belly Breathing – while your child is lying down on their back, place a stuffed toy or book on their bellies.  Guiding them to breathe in through their nose, slow and for as long as they can, and then out through their mouth, slowly and as long as they can, ask them to balance their toy or book.  Repeat a second or third time, based on the child’s attention.  This is a great skill to introduce before bedtime, as it promotes relaxation and helps to regulate the nervous system.  
  • Heart Beating – encourage your child to place their hand over their heart and find their heartbeat.  This alone immediately focuses attention and is often very helpful ‘in a pinch’ with younger children.  Further practice with heartbeats includes:
    • Have your child do some rigorous activity and then find their heartbeat.  What can they identify has changed from when they were resting?  How are they feeling with this elevated heartbeat?  
    • After some rigorous activity, have the child engage in a relaxation breathing moment.  What is happening now to their heart rate?  How are they feeling now that they have relaxed?
    • As children become more proficient in finding their heartbeats and noticing their feelings, this awareness can extend to times of anxiety or panic, such as before a sports competition, during the morning rush or after some very exciting event.  
    • Continued awareness and practice allows for the child to notice how breathing can affect mood, energy level, focus, and performance.  Then, when you are in a moment that a breathing break could help, rather than asking the child to ‘calm down’, you can direct them to find their heartbeat, and either take a long slow breath to lower their rate, or add activity to increase their rate.  
  • Ocean Breathing – Practice making the noise of the sea waves while breathing deeply from your diaphragm. Close your eyes with your child and imagine that your anger is a fiery flame waiting on a sandy shore. And as you breathe life into the ocean waves, they grow closer and closer to the flame to extinguish it.

Sensory Awareness: All children, and especially children with any type of neurodiversity benefit from understanding their sensory needs.  Some children may feel overwhelmed with lights, noise and touch. Whereas other children need extra sensations to help them to feel alert.  Knowing your child’s sensitivity profile is very useful and books such as The Out of Sync Child by Carol Stock Kranowitz helps parents to evaluate what sensory processing profile their child might have and what they can do to help them.4  In terms of general strategies to aid with self-regulation, these can be added to your day with your children, as they are fun to do and work extremely well when our bodies need them.

  • Sensory “in-the-moment”: Also known as the ‘5-4-3-2-1 technique’, this activity grounds us in the present moment, helps to calm the nervous system and encourages tranquility.  To introduce, either while going for a stroll outdoors, or while sitting in your yard or even your car, guide your child to find 5 things they can hear, 4 things they can touch, 3 things they can smell, 2 things they can see and one thing they can taste.  The senses can be switched around, depending on the situation, making this a very versatile activity.  Doing this activity helps to guide the brain to focus on our surroundings and take simple pleasure in what is around us.  The benefits of this are great, but especially helpful when a child can use this strategy during times of dysregulation, stress, pain, fear or worry.  Additionally, this technique can be part of the routine, taking place before things that are typically tough on your child, such as perhaps a test at school, a visit to the doctor or a social encounter.  
  • Mental snapshots: This activity is essentially taking a picture of your surroundings and holding it in your memory.  This practice helps not only to sharpen your awareness skills, but it also helps to develop your memory skills and allows you to build a portfolio of memories you can access when you need to.  For children, this ‘brain photo album’ is a game changer for building up their self-regulation portfolio.  It’s a take on the memory game many played as children, where a few items are presented on a tray and after a few seconds of looking at it, the children close their eyes, and after one or two items are taken away, the children guess the missing items.  In this rendition, guide your child to look around their setting – I love to go outside to teach this!  Then, they are asked to close their eyes and bring up a picture of what they just saw.  What can they remember?  Then they are asked to open their eyes and look around again at the same spot to notice more details.  Again, once they close their eyes and recall the scene, they can identify even more of what they saw.  As you and your child practice this technique, you will notice how much more clarity and awareness capabilities you have, and how it can serve to redirect the brain in times of stress or chaos.  

Think back to the opening scenario, but this time, as your phone rings, you calmly ask your children to focus on an “in-the-moment” activity until you’re off the call, assuring them you’ll discuss it in the car. If they’ve practiced this before, they’ll likely jump into action without hesitation, easing the chaos and creating a smoother transition for the rest of the day. Don’t forget to take three deep breaths yourself—this small act can help reset your own mindset. Together, these simple strategies foster a supportive environment, promote self-regulation, and contribute to healthy emotional development. Rooted in neuroscience, they respect each child’s individuality while equipping both you and your children with lifelong coping skills.

References:

  1. Collaborative for Academic, Social and Emotional Learning. (2022). Fundamentals of SEL. Retrieved from https://casel.org/fundamentals-of-sel.
  2. Schonert-Reichl, K. A., & Roeser, R. W. (Eds.). (2016). Handbook of mindfulness in education: Integrating theory and research into practice. Springer.
  3. Willis, J. (2016). Using brain breaks to restore students’ focus. Retrieved from https://www.edutopia.org/article/brain-breaks-restore-student-focus-judy-willis/ 
  4. Kranowitz, C. S., & Miller, L. J. (2022). The out-of-sync child: recognizing and coping with sensory processing differences. Third edition. Teacher Perigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC.

Demetra Mylonas is a mother of five wonderful children, ranging in age from 13 – 23 and is currently working as a Research Lead for a non-profit Foundation, serving a school for children with Learning Disabilities.  Demetra’s current research project encompasses a facilitation of social emotional learning program in a whole school and studying the effects of this wholistic programming on the mental health and wellbeing of the school’s students, staff and families.

Gina Cherkowski, PhD. is an educator, researcher, and advocate dedicated to youth well-being, blending her expertise in mathematics education, culture studies, and social justice with insights from neuroscience, mental health, and functional medicine. A former teacher and mother of five, she focuses on equipping parents and educators with the tools to support neurodiverse and vulnerable youth, fostering resilience, belonging, and success in an increasingly complex world.

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Posted on March 13, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Liberating our Daughters: Unlearning Our Own Perfectionism by Untaming Ourselves in Motherhood

By Annie Schien, M.Ed.

The word capacity has come to me time and time again in the throes of parenting. Namely, the growing awareness around how low my capacity feels, sometimes chronically. Capacity – I think you know what I’m talking about…is that smorgasbord of patience, energy, the ability to regulate oneself, internal calm and groundedness, and mental wherewithal. Some might call it reserves in the tank. It’s my metaphoric cup that everyone seems to reference, or what I’m bringing to tackle (or just survive) the day. As a parent of girls who are two and three and a half, I am still very “in the trenches” of early parenthood and capacity is the name of the game.

As my capacity and the needs of our day fluctuate, I can feel the need to recalibrate. For example, do we need to abandon the preschool project (optional, mind you) because I’m frustrated and my daughter is disinterested in completing it? Maybe we all need a movie mid-day because my kids are sick and cranky. This realization washes over me as I feel the twinge of internal resistance. I struggle to shift my expectations in order for our family ecosystem to run more smoothly and for me to be able to parent in congruence with my values. Sometimes I dig my heels in and push us through even though I know I’m leading us down the harder path. Think square peg, round hole. The result of this resistance? White knuckling through tantrums with my girls. Knowingly engaging in a power struggle with my preschooler about her outfit. Consuming coffee as if it were hooked up to me through an IV. Or snapping at my toddlers when flour is being thrown like Elsa’s magic snow when baking: an experience I hoped would be “fun,” which is turning out to be anything but.

Early parenthood is chaotic and beautiful by nature, and yet I find myself going to exhausting lengths to cultivate the MOST magical, connected, loving, engaging, playful – the adjectives could go on – childhood for my daughters. I often find myself spiraling about how to create an idyllic childhood championed by a mom who’s made homemade organic Goldfish after meditating for thirty minutes, and with this mindset, perceive my humanity as inadequacy. “Work harder, do better” says a little voice in my head. I recognize this comes with privilege. Moms working two or three jobs to make end’s meet cannot even begin to consider these ideas more or less enact them.  Yet, I need to validate my struggle, and also recognize the extraordinary privilege that I have to even participate in this “mom-ing rat race.” My kids are loved, healthy, safe, and our family has financial security. Crazy, how that isn’t enough to many of us who carry this privilege. 

Recovering perfectionists and good girls unite! We can break this cycle by untaming ourselves and raising kids who were never tamed in the first place. When we model this perfectionism, our daughters, by osmosis, will grow up adhering to the same cultural expectations of oppression. Let’s break our shackles so that they may never wear the same ones. This is, ultimately, the most loving thing I can do for myself and for my daughters.

The Myth Of The Perfect Mother: How The Institution Of Motherhood Keeps Us Small

While the word capacity keeps coming to mind in these moments of tension, the truth is that at essence, it involves bouts of incongruent parenting. It’s my own inability to actively challenge the unrealistic pressures of motherhood by holding them up to my own values, needs, and desires for myself and my parenting. The more I think about it, I can see that this resistance comes from one place, and one place only: shame. That little pestering, belittling voice that rears its ugly head often in parenthood. It’s the voice that I have to keep a careful eye on, or it can follow me through my days like a shadow. Since having my older daughter, my roots of the good girl archetype have covertly evolved into the shackles of the perfect mother. 

The invisible yet constant societal pressures of motherhood were something I was astoundingly unprepared for. This pressure feels like the endless fog in a horror movie that surrounds us all, and in an instant, can completely consume someone to their peril. With my good girl wiring dashed with the thirst for external validation, I entered motherhood ready to tirelessly work trying to be the so-called perfect mom. Stick to a rigid pumping regiment so my baby can drink exclusively breast milk? Done! (While also never sleeping between night feeds and pump sessions. I think my eye has started to twitch regularly). Preschool class needs three dozen brownies for the party tomorrow? Absolutely, and any dietary restrictions? (Bedtime ran late and then I made the three varieties of brownies before the baby woke up a few hours later. I resentfully dropped off the brownies, cursed about the class party under my breath, and did I even hug my daughter goodbye?). I know this is the story of many women, too. The examples are endless, and they are filled with anguish and feeling like we’re never enough. 

How do so many of us fall into this trap of striving to be the perfect mother? We package this pursuit as healthy striving, love, or values, when, in reality, it’s an adaptive strategy riddled with scarcity, fear, and shame. It’s seductive because it’s safe. It’s the water we all swim in, invisible to the eye yet a crushing weight of patriarchal expectation. In the minefield of insecurities within parenthood, we wonder if we’re doing it “right” at every turn while simultaneously holding the painful truth that we’re probably not. Let’s not forget the comparison and not-enoughness we feel every time we open a social media app and see another mom “doing it better.” It shoves comparison in our face, and the pain of unworthiness is felt with every moment of scrolling. 

A bandaid to this pain is perfectionism – we are driven by our avoidance of pain and vulnerability as we navigate the incredibly vulnerable role of “mother.” One of my favorite Brene Brown quotes reads, “When perfectionism is the driver, shame is always riding shotgun, and fear is the annoying backseat driver…it’s a way of thinking that says this: if I look perfect, live perfect, work perfect, I can avoid or minimize criticism, blame, or ridicule.” (Winfrey, 2013)

This perfectionism, shame, and fear has certainly clashed with my feminist rebel heart, ready to resist the patriarchy’s oppression. The hamster wheel of perfectionist parenting keeps us compliant in the patriarchal systems that thrive on the invisible labor of women – hustling for worthiness and validation to mitigate the shame. As I’m actively trying to raise burn-the-patriarchy-down daughters, I find myself constantly working to break through my roadblocks to liberation by challenging this endless pursuit of being the fictitious perfect mother. When left unchecked, perfectionism has been a huge barrier to living and parenting within my values. This prevents me from recognizing my kids’ magic, cultivating meaningful connection, and I find myself parenting with more resentment rather than the ease, peace, and joy I crave. 

This Women’s History Month, I feel inspired to rise and revolt, to pay homage to the great women and mothers that came before me and to empower the toddler girls in my house who will grow up to be great women themselves. Recovering perfectionists and good girls unite! We can break this cycle by untaming ourselves and raising kids who were never tamed in the first place. When we model this perfectionism, our daughters, by osmosis, will grow up adhering to the same cultural expectations of oppression. Let’s break our shackles so that they may never wear the same ones. This is, ultimately, the most loving thing I can do for myself and for my daughters.

A Love Letter To My Girls: How to Break the Cycle and Untame Ourselves

To keep my perfectionism in parenthood at bay, to actively resist patriarchal expectations of women and mothers, I’ve found some journaling practices that help keep me grounded and parent in my values. These are new muscles I’m building and therefore, it feels like hard work. But I’m motivated to engage with the work to model them for my girls. I invite you to join me in this self-liberation, through journaling or personal reflection in the following practices: 

  1. Clarifying my values – When I’m clear and sturdy in my values, I can easily see what’s mine to take on and what simply isn’t. For example, I have this recurring thought that “Good moms take their kids camping,” while the truth is, I don’t know if I really like to camp communing with the bugs, eating powdered meals, and sleeping on the hard ground in a tent. Pass! However, it really does feel like a parenting value for my family to spend time in nature. This has manifested into exploring local hiking trails or spending the day at the beach. You see how the lines can get muddled easily. 

Journaling prompt: What really matters is… 

  1. Practicing self-compassion and embracing my humanity  – I recently told my therapist that I was sometimes functioning with the mentality that I was the bionic woman. Functioning like this has, not so surprisingly, proven to be quite unsustainable. To combat the bionic woman mentality, I’ve been intentionally connecting with my own humanity – my feelings, needs, values, and dreams – and building my own self-compassion. This practice feels like parenting and caring for myself like I would my own children – tending to myself like a baby plant in need of some watering, nutritious soil, a splash of sunlight. This helps me break out of the molds and constraints of expectations that weren’t mine to begin with. 

Journaling prompt: My most compassionate self would say…

  1. Writing affirmations and giving myself a permission slip – If perfectionism is hustling for worthiness and validation, then affirming my own inherent worth is an antidote. This way, I’m not looking outside myself because I already feel worthy just as I am. My practice includes affirming that I’m a good mom no matter the circumstances, and giving myself permission to release the pressure of meeting external expectations. Often, I’m simply giving myself permission to be imperfectly human. 

Journaling prompt: I’m a good mom who…      and    Today, I give myself permission to…

Happy Women’s History Month! Let’s change history and break those cycles. I believe in you, and am sending you lots of love on your journey. 

References

Winfrey, O. (2013). Why Brene Brown Says Perfectionism Is a 20-Ton Shield [Oprah LifeClass]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7yYFHyvweE

Annie Schien, M.Ed, is an educator, trainer and coach for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, and founder of Grow YourSELf Consulting. Annie shifted from a classroom practitioner after a decade of teaching to supporting educators and leaders in implementing systemic SEL with a focus in educator well-being. Annie has a Masters of Education in Educational Psychology from the University of Missouri, and completed a two-year Teacher Leadership certificate program through the University of California, Davis. Annie lives in Sonoma County with her husband and their daughters, Hazel and Quinn, who drive her work to integrate SEL into the home ecosystem. She is passionate about educating kids, parents, and communities and working with educators to cultivate authentic and impactful systemic change in schools.

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Posted on March 6, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Replacing Shame with Curiosity In Family Culture: Using Internal Family Systems Therapy to Help Kids Befriend their “Friends Inside”

By Anna Purpero

Just this afternoon, during an intense spaceship-building session, my sons readied their cardboard shields to defend against any Squishmallow villains brave enough to enter. It was one of those moments that made me pause my laundry-folding to enjoy their imaginative play— until it wasn’t. A disagreement escalated into Brother one launching said cardboard shield directly into Brother two’s forehead. Devastated to see how his impulse had hurt his best friend, Brother one looked at me wide-eyed: “My Dragon! My Dragon part!” When I rushed to console the injured one, the guilty brother ran upstairs. 

To some, the tension in the story may be that a culpable child is quick to shift blame to an imaginary Dragon instead of taking responsibility. But because of the self-awareness work we’ve done as a family, I saw something different: a child recognizing the part of him that lashes out when he feels unheard. Though it wasn’t enough to stop the harm, naming the anger behind the impulse is the first step toward accountability.  

Understanding Internal Family Systems

In 2022, I began working with a Certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist (visit the IFS Institute to learn more about this non-pathologizing model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz), and in our sessions, I began discovering “parts” of my mind, each with its own patterns, protective instincts, and deeply held beliefs. Some parts react impulsively to perceived threats, while others work behind the scenes to manage stress or avoid discomfort. 

For example, in reaction to the chaos of sibling rivalry, a part of me often defaults to angry lectures instead of responding with calm boundaries and guidance. Through IFS, I learned that that particular part has been trying to protect me from the overwhelm of chaos since childhood.  Approaching these reactive parts with curiosity and compassion creates space for healing and showing up differently for children.

At the core of IFS is the idea that listening to these inner protectors will slowly reveal who we are when they’re able to relax. What’s beneath is a truer, deeper Self that is not damaged or devious, but inherently good and divinely connected. It is calm, creative, and courageous, and even kids can begin learning to access it.

Meeting Our “Friends Inside”

As I learned to recognize and befriend my own parts, I began seeing everyone else through that lens, including kids, so I researched how IFS practitioners were working with children in therapy and school settings. When I introduced more lighthearted IFS language to my own kids, it was fascinating how quickly they could identify and describe their own developing parts, like the one desperate to be our family’s Uno Champion — pleasure to meet you, Mr. Rhino! 

Co-creating their “friends inside” became a lighthearted, connective way to explore emotions and navigate conflict. It even led me to write My Friends Inside, a picture book introducing a lively crew of inner protectors who sometimes get the protagonist into trouble. This lighthearted framework reminds children that every part of them deserves curiosity and compassion, and in the protagonist’s responses, he models the messages those friends inside may need to hear. 

Modeling Self-Awareness for Our Kids

Self-awareness is foundational for building emotional regulation, decision-making, and healthy relationships. Children develop these skills partly by watching the adults around them. When parents model their own work cultivating self-awareness in their emotional patterns, they normalize what it looks like to be fully human and take the shame out of overwhelming emotions.

For example, in those charged-up hours after school, I often feel my own frustration rising. Instead of snapping, I might say, 

“Whoa, I feel kind of hot, and my Volcano part really wants to yell. I wonder what’s going on? Maybe this is too much noise for me, so I’m going to go upstairs for two minutes and take some breaths. Be right back.” 

It usually gets their attention, but I know they prefer that to the lava explosion. This models self-awareness and normalizes the idea that emotions start in the body. Kids won’t always be able to control their impulses, but they can begin to recognize how emotions arise and approach their choices with curiosity. Over time, they build the ability to respond from a more regulated place.

Even though we won’t always get it right, every moment of self-awareness, every pause before reacting, and every time we replace shame with curiosity, we help a child build a foundation for lifelong emotional resilience.

Guiding Kids Toward Self-Reflection and Repair

Once my injured son settled down, I gave him an art project and headed upstairs to visit brother 1. He was playing with stuffed animals, evidence that he may have cooled down and be open to a conversation. 

IFS has given our family a framework to reflect on our choices with curiosity and compassion. Our creative and lighthearted response to the concepts of IFS, our Friends Inside, allows us to explore together what went wrong, and with the courage within, how to make it right. When guiding kids through self-reflection and repair, I might: 

  • Ask non-judgmental questions: What happened downstairs? What do you think Dragon was trying to say? What set him off?
  • Share a personal story about when my own Volcano Inside lost control and how I made things right afterward.  
  • Offer or brainstorm strategies to pause and notice their inner friend before reacting.  
  • Help them brainstorm a message for that inner friend—one that comes from their best and wisest Self.  
  • After offering empathy, set a clear boundary: If this happens again, or if it seems this is about to happen, here’s what I will do.
  • Above all, listen. When kids can share freely without our lectures or shut-downs, they often know exactly what happened and what to do next.  

The Power of Our Own Inner Work

Children deserve the best we have to give, but a lot gets in the way of us showing up as the sturdy and empathetic leader they need. Even though we won’t always get it right, every moment of self-awareness, every pause before reacting, and every time we replace shame with curiosity, we help a child build a foundation for lifelong emotional resilience.

May we have the courage to do our part. 

Check out Anna’s new picture book:

My Friends Inside

Resources

“Evolution of The Internal Family Systems Model” by Dr. Richard Schwartz, Ph. D. IFS Institute.

No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard C. Schwartz, Ph. D

Internal Family Systems Therapy with Children by Lisa Spiegel, MA, LMHC

Self-Led: Living a Connected Life with Yourself and With Others by Seth Kopald, PhD

Anna Purpero is an educator and children’s book author located in Columbus, OH with her partner, Jordan, and two sons (ages 4 and 6). She draws inspiration from her former high school Language Arts students and the teens from Paper City Mentoring Project, a nonprofit she cofounded and served as Executive Director. She is pursuing a certification in Social Emotional Learning from Fresno Pacific University and hopes to use experiential learning to help children develop self-awareness and emotional resilience. Her debut picture book, My Friends Inside, is available now! 

Social media, purchasing links, and free printables here:

http://linktr.ee/annapurpero

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Posted on February 27, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Beyond “Happy” and “Sad”: Teaching Our Children to Name and Navigate Their Emotions

By Guest Author Gianna Cassetta

Our conversations with our children about emotions shape their relationship with themselves in lasting ways. Over time, how we talk to them about feelings becomes how they talk to themselves. These early lessons influence their emotional well-being and adaptability for life.

Cultural expectations shape how children learn to express their emotions, influencing which feelings they feel safe sharing and how they communicate them. Some cultures encourage open emotional expression, while others emphasize restraint or specific ways of showing feelings. When parents recognize these influences, they can help their children develop a healthy relationship with their emotions, balancing cultural values with the need for authentic self-expression.

In addition to cultural influences, gender socialization also shapes how children express emotions. Boys are frequently taught to show anger but are discouraged from expressing sadness or hurt, while girls are often allowed to show sadness but are discouraged from expressing anger.1 However, these gendered norms do not capture the full spectrum of gender identities, and all children, regardless of gender, benefit from the ability to express a full range of emotions.

Emotional Granularity: The Power of Naming Feelings

One of the most powerful ways we can support children is by helping them develop emotional granularity—the ability to identify and name their feelings with precision. Instead of lumping everything under “happy,” “sad,” or “angry,” they learn to recognize the difference between disappointed, frustrated, apprehensive, or anxious. Emotions are signals from our brains that help us make sense of our experiences and prepare us to respond. Ignoring or oversimplifying them doesn’t help. But naming them? That’s where the real power lies.

Lisa Feldman Barrett, a leading researcher in this field, emphasizes that emotions are not universal but are constructed based on our experiences, culture, and environment.2 The more granular we get with our emotions, the better our brains can respond to situations. Research has shown that individuals with higher emotional granularity are less likely to rely on harmful coping mechanisms, more resilient in the face of setbacks, and even experience better physical health.3

By naming emotions with precision, we can help children find clarity in chaos and connection in hardship.

How Parents Can Support Emotional Granularity

  1. Model Emotional Granularity: Share your own emotions with specificity. Instead of saying, “I’m stressed,” try, “I’m feeling anxious about work deadlines and frustrated that I don’t have enough time for family.”
  2. Use Tools Like a Feelings Wheel: Visual aids can help parents and children, even young ones, identify a broader range of emotions. For older children, you can also use GROK cards (an empathy card game), an app like How We Feel, or a Circumplex like the one I made with my colleague, Estrella Dawson.
  3. Create a Safe Space for Emotional Expression: Encourage family members to share their feelings without judgment. Validate their emotions, even if you can’t “fix” the situation.
  4. Reflect on Actions: Once we identify emotions, discuss how these feelings might influence decisions and behaviors. Ask, “Now that we know we’re feeling [specific emotion], what’s one small step we can take?”

The Parenting Perspective: Helping Kids Navigate Challenges

These ideas became essential in my parenting journey. When my sons, Caleb and Sam, faced significant sports injuries requiring surgery, they weren’t just dealing with physical recovery; they were also navigating a loss of identity. Caleb had spent years training as a soccer player, and suddenly, he couldn’t play the game that had been such a central part of his life. Sam, preparing for his first college wrestling season, had to grapple with the frustration of being sidelined. My husband and I cycled through a range of emotions: grief for their missed opportunities, helplessness in the face of their pain, and anxiety about how well they’d cope, not just physically but emotionally. At first, we labeled everything overwhelming, but that vague label didn’t help us or them move forward.

We leaned into emotional granularity to name emotions more precisely. When Caleb said he felt “frustrated” rather than “upset,” we realized his frustration stemmed from uncertainty about his recovery timeline and whether he’d ever get back to playing at the same level. That insight allowed us to ask more specific questions, like “What part of your recovery is feeling the most uncertain?” and “What would help you feel more in control right now?” These deeper conversations led to more clarity for him and us, reducing miscommunication and helping us support him more meaningfully.

This practice didn’t fix everything, but it did help us move through challenges with more clarity and connection. It also reinforced a critical lesson: Boys, too, need space to express a full range of emotions. The pressure to “man up” and suppress feelings can fuel toxic masculinity. By encouraging emotional expression, we help boys build resilience rather than repression.

Final Thoughts

If life guarantees anything, it’s the unexpected. By naming emotions with precision, we can help children find clarity in chaos and connection in hardship. Teaching them that emotions are data, not obstacles, equips them with lifelong skills for resilience and emotional intelligence.

References

  1. Chaplin, T. M., Cole, P. M., & Zahn-Waxler, C. (2005). Parental socialization of emotion expression: Gender differences and relations to child adjustment. Emotion, 5(1), 80-88.
  2. Barrett, L. F. (2017). How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
  3. Kashdan, T. B., Barrett, L. F., & McKnight, P. E. (2015). Unpacking emotion differentiation: Transforming unpleasant experience by perceiving distinctions in negativity. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 24(1), 10-16.

Gianna Cassetta (she/her) is an International Coaching Federation-certified Emotional Intelligence coach and founder of The Plain Red Horse Coaching and Consulting, supporting schools and organizations in equity-focused leadership and SEL. She also coaches women navigating life transitions, helping them build clarity, confidence, and resilience. A former teacher, school leader, and district administrator, she has co-authored Classroom Management Matters, No More Taking Away Recess, and The Caring Teacher, with her latest book, Centering Equity Through Adult Social and Emotional Learning: A Guide for School Leaders, set for publication in 2025.


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Posted on February 20, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

You Too Could Be A Part of Book Two!

“If everything around you seems dark, look again. YOU may be the light.” – Rumi

In this bitterly cold winter, the light we find – if we look for it – resides in ourselves, in our children, and in our family members and friends. Being together, sharing in our lives, focusing on our children’s passions, learning, hopes and dreams — these can bring us into a life-giving space. But bearing the dark, cold winter requires courage.

I am hard at work on book number two with a little help from my friends – the Confident Parents’ team and more – maybe you? I am deeply grateful to Health Communications Inc., a Division of Simon and Schuster, and specially, Darcie Abbene, Editor, and Tina Wainscott, Literary Agent for making this book possible. To be released in October of 2026, this book is about courage in parenting teens. When my son was a young child and I was a new, inexperienced Mom, I did everything I could to find, discover, and learn how to be confident. Confidence was my central focus to be the Mom he deserved. Now, in this midway passage between childhood and adulthood – adolescence – while I find myself in my own midlife passage, I require courage. Courage to show up with all of my deepest values worn on the outside of me through my everyday words and actions, present to the life I’ve chosen.

For the coming year, I’ll be busy collecting stories of courage that I’ll be eager to share with you when the time comes. And some of our Confident Parents’ team will be conducting their very own courage experiments in their family life. There’s much we can learn from each other as we attempt to raise teens who know who they are, have agency and a sense of purpose, respect the dignity of others, and are prepared to responsibly and wholeheartedly contribute to making our world better than they’ve found it.

Do you know any parents (of ages 10-20 year olds) who you consider demonstrate courage? Do you know any teenagers who demonstrate courage? I would love to hear their story. Please fill out the form below. All entries will be considered for the upcoming book on courage. I continue to be so grateful for our caring learning village! I hope you’ll consider sharing your story with us! 

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Thank you for your response. ✨

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Posted on February 13, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Teaching Kids Unconditional Love in a Conditional World

Lately, adult stress around separation anxiety with young children has come up frequently – with clients, with friends, and in working with early childhood educators. It can be such a heartbreak for a parent to leave a child at preschool when they are clinging to your leg and crying. And though the parent may know that it’s good that your child is attached to you and normal that they are scared to be without you transitioning into a school environment, it doesn’t lessen the pain and worry. In addition to using strategies to ease that transition, it also becomes a milestone to celebrate. Your child is learning to be on their own at school without their parent by their side. It’s a giant leap of independence for a young person. And each time they have a leap of independence, they discover the courage and confidence to persist through the solid foundation of love and support you’ve provided for them.

In those early years, children do not have the ability to separate your love from their behaviors — or your scolding or rule-enforcing when they make a poor choice. And so when they have a particularly tough day, make messes and mistakes, they need your reassurance that you love them no matter what – even when they are doing things you don’t like. If you are a parent of young children, it’s important to remember that they need to hear from you that you love them even when they’ve ripped your new dress, written in Sharpie marker directly on the tabletop or spilled the literal milk. You’ll get upset surely and they will too. Hopefully, you’ll guide them through ways they can repair the harm they’ve caused or clean up the mess they’ve made but at the end of it all, whenever that is, they’ll need to hear that you love them no matter what.

In the school age years starting around third grade, school becomes highly conditional and performance based. Typically gone are the warm embraces from teachers. The teachers are now focused on the third grade reading guarantee. Academic performance becomes paramount. Sports are not just co-ed and for the fun of it. They are for skill building and they’re competitive. Children’s identities and friendships too begin to change. They move from “I’m a nice kid who likes to play and explore and befriend anyone” to “I achieve in certain subjects and make goals on the soccer field.” Whereas young children were friends with the peers who sat next to them during snack, now peers are friends who are in the same reading intervention group or skilled (or unskilled) at sports after school and on weekends. They been leveled for their area of competence and labeled too. Because the expectations only continue to rise for achievement and performance, our school age children need to hear that no matter their test score, no matter their GPA, no matter whether they can score a goal or not, you love them and you see them for all of their goodness.

In the middle schools years, life changes dramatically. Physical, cognitive, emotional and social changes are constant. Students feel a sense of vulnerability and sensitivity as they undergo changes and their peers’ opinions become top priority. Judgment reaches an all-time high in their life as friendship groups play the “you’re in,” “you’re out” game which to an outside adult looks like a cruel primitive ritual but tends to be a rite of passage for most and can be tremendously painful when you are deemed “out.” Middle schoolers will want plenty of privacy to navigate their social challenges and push you away as they try and gain independence. No matter what age you are as a parent, you are deemed “old” and unaware of youth culture. And their knowledge and acquisition of youth popular culture is the most important ticket into a social circle. Whereas in the early years, they clung to your leg unabashedly, now they actually may want to cling to your leg at times but wouldn’t dare. And when they feel those cravings – those needs for your love and attention – they’ll create conflict with you and become argumentative and grumpy in order to push you away and self manage their confusing internal conflict. Oh, middle school is not easy for anyone! But those tween-agers and early teens still regularly need to hear that you love them no matter how grumpy or pimply they are. You may have to deliver the message in a note under their door (and you may not immediately be appreciated for it) but they still need to hear it! 

In high school, teens are actively experimenting to figure out and define who they want to be. They have a new level of competence pressure because their friend group is not solely based on knowledge of youth popular culture but is also based on competence and performance. Show competence in a sport, theater, music, the arts, and the teen will find friends with similar interests and competencies. Performance pressure heightens further as the stakes grow even higher. Teens’ academic scores will determine where they go to college, if they acquire funding for college, and how they will rank in their school. Sports become so competitive that injuries are common, practices or games are daily, and travel on weekends is part of the package. Though teens continue to push you away to gain independence, your influence is still important and a powerful force in their lives. After all, they don’t have it all figured out and are still relying on you for most aspects of their existence. They’re busier than ever and may hardly stop to have a conversation with you once they are driving, have their own romantic partner, and a range of extracurriculars that keep them out. Their daily lives are conditional – as they receive academic performance feedback daily/hourly; as they receive performance feedback on their extracurriculars; as they navigate friendships and relationships that come and go with the wind. They’ll acquire reputations – good, bad, or ugly – at school that we, as parents, have no control over though our job is to continue to see their light inside — the best of who they are — and can be. Though their independence can produce heartbreak for parents (spoken as one of the heartbroken) as they are busier and less present, they still require our reassurance that we love them no matter what, that we’ve got their backs if they need us, and though everything in their world continues to change, our love will not.

Where will they learn unconditional love if not from you?

Happy Valentine’s Day to you and your family!

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Posted on February 6, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Exiting the Blame Game; How to Take and Teach Responsibility When You Disagree

“You said I could go out with friends. It’s your fault I didn’t have time to do my homework,” says Ava, your fifteen-year-old, with heat and sincerity after she received a zero on her homework assignment. Next, your partner chimes in, “yes, you did let her go out with her friends,” with a tone of scold in his voice. All of a sudden, you feel the pointer fingers from both directions. “It’s not my homework!” you think and your heat begins to rise with the injustice of it all. You’ve been caught in the blame game. But you don’t want to play. How do you get out of that discussion preserving your own dignity and honoring the truth of the situation without pointing fingers right back at your daughter and spouse? How do you open the door to each member taking responsibility for their role in the problem? And how do you remove the blame game from family conflicts to argue in fair ways?

“You always… you never… it’s because of you that…” are all kindling that add to the fire of upset. Though it’s easy to look outside of ourselves for a reason things are going wrong — for failing, or for messing things up — looking to others prevents us from looking within. Yet, it’s our first instinct to place blame outside of ourselves beginning in early childhood. At ages five and six, children are learning the rules of school and social behavior. That is a time when they begin to tattle on others who break the rules. Developmentally, this is how a five or six-year-old learns about what is right and wrong, by pointing out and enforcing rules in others first. They then begin to internalize those rules for themselves and can call upon that inner compass to direct them as they grow and face challenges. But we are capable of learning to take responsibility and inviting others to do the same without pointing fingers and placing blame. Our children are capable too. But it will require our modeling and intentional practice. And family life – rife with conflict – is the perfect place for them to learn it.

Learning healthy, constructive, assertive (non-aggressive) ways to talk about problems when there is a conflict is key. Marshall Rosenberg, author of multiple books on nonviolent communication, clinical psychologist and one of the world’s top thought leaders on nonviolent communication, suggests that we begin with observing others. He offers a four step process (I added a fifth) for communicating with empathy in a conflict so as not to do harm. Parents can model these steps and offer practice with their children. Below are the Miller/Rosenberg’s five steps with some of my family life and developmental adaptations. 

Consider your own defensive stance in a conflict. Read through these steps and feel the sensation of how you might experience each of these if you were approached on a controversial subject in this way. Does your heart stay open? Does your mind stay open? If so, this is how we keep our loved ones engaged in working together through the problem. Accuse, blame, criticize – and all systems – heart, mind, will – shut down. When facing a conflict with family members including children or teens…

  1. Pause

If you are in a conflict with a child or family member, you are likely upset, frustrated, or angry. You are likely feeling some heated emotion in which if you respond quickly, you’re more likely to blame, judge, or criticize. So stop. Put your hand on your heart. Breath. Wait until you can feel your heart rate come down a little bit. When feeling ready to proceed with a grounded tone…

2. Observe and Share.

Though Rosenberg suggests observing first, as parents, we need to stop and take a pause in order to become intentional and not reactive. Then consider:

What do I observe – see, feel, experience – that is not contributing to my well-being or my child’s well-being?

If you are communicating with or to a child, you might say, 

“I observe that the choice to be out with friends did not allow you enough time to do homework and that is not contributing to your well-being.”

2. Articulate Feelings.

Next, share what you are observing of their heart in that moment. This creates an empathetic stance in which you are working to understand, accept, and normalize their feelings with the knowledge that all feelings are acceptable (it’s how we act on them that we may or may not be acceptable).

“You seem to be feeling frustrated and maybe unfairly judged by your teacher and unfairly guided by me. Is that right?”

This statement does not say you unfairly guided your daughter but only that she may feel unfairly guided her. It’s a subtle but important difference in your mindset as you approach her. Your only goal here is articulating feelings. Then, be sure to share your own and if your partner is involved, give him the space to share his too.

“I felt frustrated too that I tried to allow you the time you wanted with friends but had no idea how much work you had to accomplish.”

3. Articulate Needs.

After articulating feelings, highlight the needs that the feelings are calling to the fore. She’s frustrated because her needs aren’t getting met. Finding out what those needs or values are is key. And well-articulating them helps her put into words what she may not be fully aware of but feels deeply. So you might say,

“You feel frustrated because your time with friends is super important to you and not something you want to skip because you have a lot of homework.”

When articulating her needs, it’s not time to judge those needs. Needs are needs. You cannot change what she feels because of those unmet needs. So it might be easy to slip here and say something like, “but you know homework is the most important thing.” Don’t do it. We are keeping her open mind and heart in this conversation. Next, you’ll pivot toward her learning about responsible decision-making.

Your needs count in this scenario too — and your partner’s. So you might say,

“My need is to help you prioritize your time and get your needs met which includes valuable friend time and enough time to get homework accomplished.”

4. Make Requests and Consider Options.

Now it’s time to directly communicate your request, or the concrete actions you would like taken. In this example, she has already done some damage. So it’s time to repair harm. You might say,

“What can you do now to make this better with your teacher?” 

Spend a little time together problem-solving through how she might approach her teacher (email, in person?) and what she could ask for in order to make up the work she missed. Her teacher may say she has to live with the zero and that’s a tough but real consequence. It’s important to take the time to address the blaming that went on as well.

“Next time, how can we each take responsibility for our own feelings, needs and role in the situation without pointing fingers?”

And finally, be sure that you reflect on the bigger lesson of the situation — how your daughter prioritizes her time and makes responsible decisions.

“Your schooling is top priority. But we also know that time with friends is essential to your well-being. How could we have looked at both of those needs and found times for both over the course of the week instead of competing for the same afternoon?”

After reading this five-step process, you might reflect that this sounds like a lot of work. And in truth, communicating in assertive, nonviolent ways that preserve the dignity of each participant in a conflict does take work. But, like any habit, it gets easier with practice. And the reward is truly great. This is how you teach your child or teen to communicate in ways that do no harm and make responsible decisions. This is how you model communication that will help your child navigate conflict in any circumstance they find themselves in. 

Our habits in responding to conflict are first learned and rehearsed at home. So practicing these communication steps is an essential step in preparing your child for their relationships at school, in the community and will serve their well-being in their future lives. 

To learn more, check out:

Living Nonviolent Communication; Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD., 2012, Boulder, CO: Sounds True.

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Posted on January 30, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Final Call for Submissions

We’ve received some amazing submissions! Thank you if you put thought, energy, time, and passion into writing for our site. Just a reminder that tomorrow, January 31st, is the final day for submissions. If you’ve submitted, we’ll get back to you by February 5th.

Here’s more:

We hope you’ll consider writing an article for Confident Parents, Confident Kids! The site enjoys daily visitors from 152 countries around the world and a follow-ship of more than 24,000. Help initiate important dialogue making the connection between parenting at each age and stage and your children’s (and your own!) social and emotional development. 

If interested, please email confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com with the subject line: “Article Idea from an SEL Educator!” Please include your idea (parenting opportunity/challenge), how it connects to a social and emotional skill building opportunity (in your child and yourself!), and the ages/stages of children you are writing about. Also, please include a short bio or resume. All authors must have credentials/experience in education with SEL and be actively parenting in your own home. A diverse range of perspectives is encouraged. Articles must align with the research base.

You can learn more here: https://confidentparentsconfidentkids.org/invitation-for-sel-educators/. All proposed ideas are due by January 31, 2025. We’ll review and get back to you on whether you’ll be published this spring by February 5, 2025.

We hope you’ll join our parent-led community of practice by contributing! We are so excited to learn from how you are bringing to life the science of social and emotional learning and development to benefit your children in your own personal parenting!

All the best,
Jennifer Miller, Founder and…

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