“If we don’t stand up for children, then we don’t stand for much”. – Marian Wright Edelman, American Children’s Rights Activist and Former President, Children’s Defense Fund
“There is no trust more sacred than the one the world holds with children. There is no duty more important than ensuring that their rights are respected, that their welfare is protected, that their lives are free from fear and want and that they can grow up in peace.” – Kofi Annan, Seventh Secretary General, United Nations
“…in serving the best interests of children, we serve the best interests of all humanity.” – Carol Bellamy, Former Director, Peace Corps of the United States
Christine French Cully stands among the humans we most admire for a lifetime of work and dedication to children. Christine was the long-time Editor-In-Chief of Highlights Magazine and more recently, their Chief Purpose Officer. I remember her saying that childhood was a sweet season to be savored. Christine emphasized enjoying and celebrating the child right where they were – at that very age, stage and moment instead of constantly projecting them toward their future, older self. Christine emphasized listening to children…paying close attention to not only their words but what was in their heart and demonstrated through their laughter and play. She wrote:
When a child shares their inner thoughts, we are given a gift. it’s an honor and a responsibility — even a sacred trust.
Highlights Magazine, founded in 1946, has remained true to that mission of listening to children over those many years. They’ve received over two million letters and editors have responded to EVERY ONE OF THEM. Christine took the time in her career to respond to children’s letters. And children told Highlights secrets they didn’t share with anyone else. To read some of the precious letters, check out Christine French Cully’s book, Dear Highlights; What Adults Can Learn from 75 Years of Letters and Conversations with Kids.
Though I was introduced to Christine to bring insight to the data Highlights had gathered from an extensive child survey in 2018, I learned much more from her insights on the children she had listened to over many years. And personally, when she became a grandma, I saw her face light up. It was clearly her greatest joy.
May the world know more advocates who are as humble, as empathetic and as driven by a solitary purpose of children thriving. Christine French Cully, we are ever grateful for your light.
Confident Parents, Confident Kids “merits the attention of anyone working in social, emotional and character development who wants a place to send parents for ideas and advice and dialogue.”
– Maurice Elias, Professor of Psychology; Director, Rutgers Social-Emotional and Character Development Lab; Co-Director, Rutgers Collaborative Center for Community-Based Research and Service
Not enough time to contribute to an academic journal but want to write?
Eager to reflect on how what you are learning professionally about advancing children’s social and emotional learning can help your own children?
We hope you’ll consider writing an article for Confident Parents, Confident Kids! We tried our first experiment with this last year and it was incredible! We had so many rich, interesting perspectives come from a range of experts who are also parents in the field. So join us!
The site enjoys daily visitors from 152 countries around the world and a follow-ship of more than 24,000. Help initiate important dialogue making the connection between parenting at each age and stage and your children’s (and your own!) social and emotional development.
If interested, please email confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com with the subject line: “Article Idea from an SEL Educator!” Please include your idea (parenting opportunity/challenge), how it connects to a social and emotional skill building opportunity (in your child and yourself!), and the ages/stages of children you are writing about. Also, please include a short bio or resume. All authors must have credentials/experience in education with SEL and be actively parenting in your own home. A diverse range of perspectives is encouraged. Articles must align with the research base.
We hope you’ll join our parent-led community of practice by contributing! We are so excited to learn from how you are bringing to life the science of social and emotional learning and development to benefit your children in your own personal parenting!
All the best, Jennifer Miller, M.Ed., Founder and…
Senior Lead Writers: Shannon Wanless, Jason Miller, Jenny Woo, Mike Wilson, Nikkya Hargrove, and Lorea Martinez
Original Photo by William Lovelace/Express/Getty Images with Illustration by Jennifer Miller
As we move into this new year with hope and optimism for the opportunities of connection and well-being it may bring, it’s impossible not to notice that fear and anxiety seem to dominate the cold, barren landscape of January. As I coach parents and work with families weekly, anxiety in children, teens, and parents is the pervasive theme. As I tend to do each year at this time, I turn to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. for wisdom and he never disappoints.
I was amazed to discover handwritten notes archived in Stanford University’s Martin Luther King, Jr. Research and Education Institute. On July 21, 1957, Dr. King had written an outline for a sermon entitled “The Mastery of Fear.” I’m placing his notes below with my own interpretation of how they might apply to our current context while also viewing it through the lens of children’s and adult’s social and emotional development.
From Dr. King’s “The Mastery of Fear, Sermon Outline”
Fear is a powerfully creative force. The fear of ignorance leads to education etc … Every saving invention and every intellectual advance has behind it as a part of its motivation the desire to avoid or escape some dreaded thing. And so Angelo Patri is right in saying, “Education consist in being afraid at the right time.”
This is yet another moment when we have the chance to lead our families and teach our children HOW to channel their fear. If we are constantly afraid, we are debilitated. We’ll lose our perspective which can lead to paralysis. If we repress and suppress our fears, hiding them in our darkest depths because our intimate others cannot accept or deal with them, we’ll be consigned to those inner caverns protecting ourselves to the point of self-destruction. We isolate from sharing the deepest parts of who we are. But Dr. King asserts fear can act as a creative force. There is great power in fear if we use it as fuel for our own inventive ways to focus on child and adult thriving as a primary driver (not as a nice-to-have). Here are some questions I imagine Dr. King would offer us to consider:
How are we remaining present to our intimate family holding space for all of their emotions, especially the ones that challenge us the most?
What are the roles we play in our village and how can we be or become a stabilizing force of compassion, love and grace?
How can we accept the fears we have as a valuable means for channeling our creative forces?
How can we accept the fears our children have as a valuable means for channeling their creative forces?
What is the saving intention you are hatching through the ordeals – the pains, struggles – in your life? What is your own intellectual advance? How about for your family members?
And Dr. King Continues…
13 So if by “a fearless man” we mean one who is not afraid of anything, we are picturing, not a wise man, but a defective mind. There are normal and abnormal fears.
So the difficulty of our problem is that we are not to get rid of fear altogether, but we must harness it and master it.14 Like fire it is a useful and necessary servant, but a ruinous master. It is fear when it becomes terror, panic and chronic anxiety that we must seek to eliminate.
Fearlessness is not something for which to strive, he writes. Instead he might ask us:
How can we harness and utilize our fire to ensure our children, teens and other family members are safe, healthy and able to learn and pursue the fires of their own passions for the betterment of humanity?
What happens when it feels like fear is taking over, the fire is out of control? What plans do we have to bring the flames back down and under control? Are you becoming intentional about taking regular pauses in your day to manage the flames? Check out the Family Emotional Safety Plan as one way to do that.
And finally, from Dr. King’s Sermon Outline…
How do we master fear
Of basic importance in mastering fear is the need of getting out in the open the object of our fear and frankly facing it. Human life is full of secret fears.
A further step in mastering fear is to remember that it always involves the misuse of the imagination.
What if we sense our children or teens are harboring secret fears? In my experience, a healthy response requires parents being vulnerable themselves. So…
How can you raise the topic of fears with your family and share some of your own and how you manage them?
How can you revisit this conversation so that there is a regular safe place for your children to name their fears?
Inherit in Dr. King’s naming of the misuse of imagination is the call to use imagination in healthy ways. Your mind can wander like a runaway train down the track of catastrophe and worst case scenarios. And that rumination can leave you in destructive and defeatist thinking. So…
How can we begin to engage our imagination in ways that envision and even take steps toward Dr. King’s Beloved Community?
How can we begin to engage our imagination in ways that envision an education system in which all children are safe, valued and thriving?
How can we engage our children in envisioning leaving the world a better place for their being in it?
And importantly, how can we join with others in imagining together? Dr. King knew collective imagining would lead to positive change.
It can only come about if we dream it together first. Thank you once again, Dr. King. We are grateful.
Reference:
King, M.L., Jr. (1957). The mastery of fear (Sermon). Montgomery, AL: Stanford University The Martin Luther King, Jr. Research and Education Institute.
From Dr. King’s References:
13. Fosdick, On Being a Real Person, p. 110: “Angelo Patri is right in saying, ‘Education consists in being afraid at the right time.’” Fosdick may have gotten this quote from William H. Burnham’s book The Normal Mind (New York: D. Appleton, 1924), p. 417. Patri, an educator and expert on child psychology, disavowed any use of fear in child-rearing (Child Training [New York: D. Appleton, 1922], pp. 19, 250).
14. Fosdick, The Hope of the World, p. 60: “Indeed, this is the difficulty of our problem, that our business is not to get rid of fear but to harness it, curb it, master it.”
Post-break winter days seem to be a time when there’s more pressure to perform and less energy for all that performing. Dealing with the extra scarves, boots, and gloves in the morning, the icy streets on the way to school, and the heat blasting drying our skin until it cracks, adds just that little extra chaos and discomfort to throw us off. Lack of movement and lack of fresh air can also contribute to not sleeping well and not feeling our best. Not only are these conditions that may challenge our own motivation, but our children’s motivation can become an even greater challenge.
We sense as parents and educators that finding just that right way to engage a child in learning will turn a magical key and motivate a child or teen to work hard to learn what they are expected to learn. Motivation is simply a reason to act. And for adults who work with children, there are numerous moments in every day when we are attempting to inspire or cajole our child into acting in a particular way. Though we know it’s critical, the methods to provide that reason can allude us. And as I’ve heard from some, “I’ve tried it all.”
From stickers to pizza parties, from payments to candy, adults often resort to extrinsic motivators to get children to get going. But in fact, extrinsic motivators, as the term implies, moves the focus from a child’s internal sense of control to controlling behaviors through outside forces. This can remove some of a child’s sense of agency. And it always takes away their ability to grow essential life skills because they are not allowed the practice of self-discipline, an inner strength, but instead are manipulated by a Jolly Rancher. Though temporarily, stickers or stars can move a child to action, they do not influence their moral development – “this is the right thing to do,” or “this requires hard work” – and so they do not change behavior when you are not present or over time. Remove the sticker and you remove the behavior.
Emotions and motivation are inextricably linked.1 Emotions fuel our motivation to act. Emotions like happiness, excitement, and curiosity send an “approach” signal and increase energy, optimism, and motivation. Emotions like worry, frustration, or fear send the “avoid” message to steer away from whatever is concerning. With school work producing a whole host of emotions including the avoidance cues, how do we help our students stay engaged?
Here are some simple ideas to engage your child or teen’s motivation to work hard and also, to deal with the tougher emotions that work against motivation.
Listen and observe first.
What is motivating your child or teen to not want to act/work hard/take responsibility? Are they avoiding failure? Is their inner critic on the loud speaker? Are they scared of what peers might think? Discover what the motivational road blocks are before attempting to address the problem. Not only will that insight help you decide on a better response, but it will also create empathy so that you intervene with patience and understanding.
Articulate and normalize feelings.
When you notice that family members are more stressed, when you notice irrational statements, or avoidance behaviors (your child runs to her room and shuts the door hoping to shut out the world), it’s time to focus on their hearts. The embarrassment of having big feelings can add to the struggle. So helping your child or teen become more self aware by identifying what you see, feel and experience with them not only helps normalize their feelings but brings down the heat as they begin to feel understood.
Take care of your own feelings – particularly anxiety and frustration.
Yes, emotions are contagious. If you are feeling those avoidance feelings, you may be unwittingly making it harder for your child or teen to feel motivated. You might ask yourself: what can I do daily to help myself return to a place of calm? Journaling, meditation, deep breathing, and exercise can help. Also learning about your child’s or teen’s development and healthy ways you can respond adds to your sense of agency and competence and reduces anxiety.
Co-create a plan for homework frustrations.
You know it’s gonna happen. Your child or teen WILL get frustrated. And that frustration can derail them for some time. It can even mean that an assignment goes unfinished or a test not studied for. So sit down with your student and make a plan! Try out a short brain break. Check out these coping strategies to help your child feel better during their brain break.
Review your routines and each family members’ responsibilities.
Those daily routines can make a significant difference in how your student feels at school whether they get enough sleep at night because of a consistent bedtime routine or whether they get to school focused because of a calm, connected morning routine. Check out this video on the morning routine. Write out a plan for the routine with younger children. Checklists tend to work great for teens who can own their own checklists.
Find moments for creativity and joy.
Perhaps you’ve put away gifts from the holidays. Bring them out for a little playtime. Turn up the music and get your dance on during a homework break. Put out art supplies or a puzzle and see what happens. Engage in some joy and creativity together. When you know it will contribute to your child or teen’s motivation to work hard, it’s worth taking some time out to insert activities in which you’ll be fully present and enjoy each other.
Use direct language.
When it’s time to focus and get to work, share that in a direct way. “Time to get to work.” Nagging or repeating yourself can lead to power struggles inviting argumentation and negotiation.
Prompt student to set own goals for work/learning.
You can begin a homework session by asking your child what their goals are in the time they have. Allow them to set their own goals on how they will focus, how they will work, and when they hope to break. These choices offer them a sense of agency and control over the process. And the goals aim their focus.
Partner with your child’s teachers or teen’s advisor.
If you are concerned about your child’s performance or level of engagement, meet with your child’s teacher to discuss. Even a brief meeting can assure you and your student’s teacher that you are working together toward the same goals – your child’s success. You might ask, “what can we do at home to support what you are doing at school?” We, as responsible parents, may double down at this time and forget that we don’t have to do it all. We have partners who we can engage with to offer extra support at a time when it’s needed most.
Yes, treats at the end of a school day certainly can light up a child’s face when they come home. But they shouldn’t be bait for a particular behavior. In fact, you’ll show your child or teen that you have confidence in them when you trust their inner compass. They too want to be successful in school. They may just need a little extra support this time of year (as we all do). May you feel that support from this parenting village!
Happy new year!
References:
Roseman I. J. (2008). Motivations and emotivations: approach, avoidance, and other tendencies in motivated and emotional behavior, in Handbook of Approach and Avoidance Motivation, ed. Elliot A. J. (New York: Psychology Press; ), 343–366
As I watch the deer silently foraging in my backyard while the ground is fully coated in white snow, I wonder about what this year will bring for my family and yours. The start of the new year is a natural time for reflection and if you live in a cold climate as I do, the bareness of the landscape creates ideal conditions in its quiet and simplicity. At Confident Parents, we’ve just come through our twelfth year and we continue to learn and grow with you, our parenting community. There are a few key truths that have emerged over those years of parenting and observing our children.
Change is constant and persistent in our children’s learning and development which requires us, as parents, to observe, reflect, learn, change, and adjust as their needs alter our lives.
Change is constant in the world. The rapid pace of technology’s development and influence in our lives puts us as parents often in a reactive place as we orient ourselves to how new devices, new apps, and now artificial intelligence will impact our children’s lives whether in school or at home.
Our children’s experiences and our teen’s experiences cannot be compared to our own since the context they are growing up in is vastly different than what we encountered. So we, as parents, are reinventing what it means to offer the support and conducive conditions for our children to flourish now and in their future.
Our children’s and teen’s flourishing requires a complex path of attending to their physical, social, and emotional well-being as well as their knowledge acquisition. This learning takes place in every space and place in their lives and most often comes through relationships.
There is no one way. There is no perfect way. And the more we learn from one another, the more we grow in our connectedness, support, and learning.
All this change and complexity can create fear in us…fear of the unknown changes ahead; fear of how technology is impacting our children and teens; fear of whether our children will be ready to tackle their academic challenges, or their interpersonal challenges, or their health and growth challenges. If we allow fear to creep into our days and rule our decision-making (and it can happen without our full awareness), our choices – our words and actions – will come from instinct and impulse. And we know that responsible decisions are typically not made in that way.
Responsible decisions instead require that we get quiet, pause, reflect on our higher values and how those values can be enacted through our choices, words, and actions.
Because we are all busy in keeping up with our ever-changing careers, supporting our children’s school and learning, and running our family’s lives, we will not slow down enough to truly reflect individually, as partners, and as a family unless we prioritize it as essential to our well-being and flourishing.
We do understand that essential learning for our children in who they are becoming (their self identity) and how they relate to others comes first through our modeling. And then, we can deepen that learning through supported practice and coaching. So as we are attempting to teach them responsibility, an important place to start is in how we lead our families to be reflective, to make meaning together. Research confirms that the process of meaning-making adds to our health and happiness. In order to gain the benefits of meaning making, there are three areas that research focuses on including reflecting on the significance of our lives (Why do we matter? How do we matter?); coherence (or how do we make sense of things and things make sense to us); and purpose (or what is our big why in being and/or in doing).1
So in 2025, we are ushering in a year of meaning-making with our families. In it, we’ll take regular pauses to ask questions of meaning and explore them together. Some of the important conditions of this meaning making are:
When we ask big questions, they’ll be no RIGHT answer.
Meaning can be made through family dialogue and co-constructed. Instead of one person offering a definitive perspective, we can bring our ideas together around central questions and decide how we choose to perceive what we experiencing.
The stories we tell and how we make sense of them become evidence of our families’ culture and values.
These stories build trust, care and collaboration among us.
They offer a foundation of support for all times but become especially important when we endure hard times or one or more of us experience pain.
Making meaning of world events, national leaders’ choices, school events, course content (a book assigned for school), community and neighborhood news, and family and friend choices are all fodder for asking these big questions.
In a year of meaning-making with our families, we might ask questions like:
In the big picture, what really matters to us? How are we showing what matters to us through our words and actions?
What is our purpose? What is our big why? Yes, children need to understand the why of their education, of their day-to-day lives as much as we do to keep in focus how their efforts contribute to something bigger and important.
How are we making a difference in others’ lives? What are ways in which we could be making a difference in new ways?
How are we seeking truth? How can we understand how the stories we are telling came into being? Have our views changed and why? What are new or emerging truths and how do they make us feel?
What are our highest aspirations for who we are becoming?
How can we reexamine stories that may sabotage our sense of agency, stories of lack, criticism, or not-enoughness? What new stories can replace outdated stories? And how can we name our children’s inner voices – their inner critic and their inner wisdom – to call forth the one that will best support their confidence, capacity, and courage?
“The universe is made of stories, not atoms,” wrote poet Muriel Rukeyzer.2
How can we co-create stories over our dinner tables this season and this year that tell of our family wisdom and how we are bringing our best selves to contribute to one another and our communities?
We wish you a healthy, happy and confident new year!
Thank you for your participation in the Confident Parents, Confident Kids’ parenting village! We reached a milestone in 2024 of over one million views! With a number of new valuable partnerships, we’ll have many announcements to make this coming year for more supports for parents and caregivers in doing the most meaningful job in the world. We are here because of you!
So the shortest day came, and the year died, And everywhere down the centuries of the snow-white world Came people singing, dancing, To drive the dark away. They lighted candles in the winter trees; They hung their homes with evergreen; They burned beseeching fires all night long To keep the year alive, And when the new year’s sunshine blazed awake They shouted, reveling. Through all the frosty ages you can hear them Echoing behind us – Listen!! All the long echoes sing the same delight, This shortest day, As promise wakens in the sleeping land: They carol, fest, give thanks, And dearly love their friends, And hope for peace. And so do we, here, now, This year and every year. Welcome Yule!!
– The Shortest Day by Susan Cooper
Today – December 21st – is the shortest day of the year and marks the turning from dark to an increase in sunlight. In the Northern Hemisphere, it is the coldest time of year and in the Southern, it marks the Summer Solstice. The traditions that recognize this passage seem to touch numerous cultures around the world and date back to ancient times in which the Mayan Indians, ancient Romans, Scandinavians and others celebrated. Today, there are winter solstice traditions celebrated in India, China, Japan, South Korea, England, Ireland, Canada, Guatemala and more. Years ago, my own neighborhood friends would gather on this day, say some words of gratefulness for the gift of light in our lives, and each person would contribute a stick or evergreen branch to the fire. This tradition has remained in my memory as one of the most sacred I have attended. All of the major world holidays involve an appreciation for light in the darkness as a previous article explored including Christmas, Hannukah and Kwanzaa.
This year, we have the opportunity to engage again in this ritual with dear friends and we are grateful to extend our family tradition to include more. This passage of dark to light offers so many opportunities for meaningful connection and reflection. Positive change begins inside ourselves and then, at home with our families. And as positive changemakers – which if you read and follow this, you are! – the solstice presents an opportunity, a moment to ask “how am I being the change I want to see in the world?” If I am to authentically embrace empathy and compassion for others – even and especially those who are challenging me or making destructive choices – I first must invest in letting go of judgement and that includes my own self-criticism – which can serve as the toughest critic of all. I can only do this if I remind myself that each person is coping with their pain in vastly different ways. And there is no one right path.
What if, this Solstice, each person took the time to reflect on their voices of judgement for others and themselves and sent them into the fire to burn to ashes? If we did this in a wholehearted way, I wonder if we could rise like a phoenix and offer the compassion to ourselves and others that is so needed? I know the potential is there. How can you become a model for your family?
I so appreciate this day as a silent pause in the hustle of the holidays for introspection. If you, as I do, want to take this sacred moment to recognize how nature is offering us this opportunity for transformation, here are some ways to bring your family into the reflection with you. The following are themes that are emphasized across the world’s solstice traditions.
Theme: Letting Go, Forgiveness and Rebirth In ancient Rome during the solstice, wars stopped, grudges were forgiven and slaves traded places with their masters. Today, the theme of forgiveness and rebirth is carried out in a diverse range of religious and cultural practices. The burning of wood to create light in the darkness also symbolizes that we can let go of old stories, judgements of ourselves and others, old wounds or poor choices and begin again. For children, it’s a critical lesson to learn that one choice does not determine who they are. There is always the light of a new day to offer a chance for forgiving the old and creating the new.
Question for our Family Dinner: Are people in your life disappointing you with their choices? Are there hurts that you are holding onto from the past? Have you disappointed yourself? How can you focus on letting go realizing that holding on only hurts yourself and keeps you imprisoned with those judgements? With the burning of a candle, can you imagine those disappointments burning into the ash, forgiven, and offering you a new chance?
Theme: Connection Our connection to one another during this time is one of the most valuable. Ironically savoring our moments with our loved ones can get buried under a mound of anxiety, expectations and commitments. When it comes to focusing on our appreciation for one another during this passage from dark to light, we can be made aware, if we stop long enough to notice, that we are more alike than different. Numerous religions, nations, indigenous cultures and popular culture celebrate light with a wide variety of rituals and traditions. We can enter into our own celebrations, whatever our traditions may be, with the awareness that we are inter-connected and inter-dependent with one another and our environment. We can begin to explore the many other ways we are connected to one another regardless of how different we feel or seem at times.
Question for our Family Dinner: How have the ways in which we connect changed this year? What connections have been nourishing and satisfying that we want to keep or promote more of? What connecting have we left behind that we do not miss? What are ways that we are connected to people from places far from us in the world? What are the ways we are connected to people who are different from us or challenge us in our own community? If there have been disagreements among family and friends, how do we remain connected to those individuals?
Theme: Relationship of Light and Dark Darkness has long been a symbol for emotional turmoil, sickness and violence in the world. The darkness seems to hold fear and danger but with the light of day, the perspective changes dramatically to one of hope and possibility. Moving from short, gray days to lighter, brighter days can help remind us that there is always another chance to make a better decision. There’s always an opportunity to be who we really aspire to being. Our actions can reflect our deepest values.
Question for our Family Dinner: Is there sadness, fear, disappointment or other darkness you want to leave behind? How can you let it go and begin again? What hopes do you have for the new year?
Theme: Gratefulness for the Natural World It is humbling to step back and watch the changing of the seasons unfold. In ancient times, people feared that the lack of light would continue. They worried that if they did not revere the Sun God, it may move further away from their days. Take this moment in time to appreciate the sun, the moon, the trees, the birds and all of the natural world around us that profoundly influences all of our lives.
Question for our Family Dinner: What aspects of nature influence you regularly? What do you appreciate about the environment you encounter each day? How can you become more aware of the changes in nature around you? Have you gained more appreciation or a new view of the natural world during the pandemic?
Our family will be lighting a fire and sitting by it, noticing its brilliant light and feeling its warmth. As I toss my ceremonial evergreen bough on the fire, I’ll be considering what judgement stories I need to send into the fire with the bough. How can I place those kernels of anger, fear and disappointment into the flames to help myself truly let them go? There is a silent calm that comes over me when I light a candle or watch the flames rise in our fireplace. That calm gives me the space to reflect on the meaning of this time of year and connects me to the many individuals and cultures today and of generations past that have recognized this passage.
May you find ways to let go of your outdated stories during this emergence from dark to light. May you allow it to transform you and create a bigger, wider space for compassion that can emerge from you fueled by more light in future days.
Adapted from an original post on December 14, 2014.
I’m a father of two. A eight year old son and six year old daughter. Too often I find myself losing patience with my little ones and knew there had to be a better way than what I was doing. Well that brought me to this book. I loved this. I’m not one for parenting books but this one was fact based, and actionable. I took pages of notes, and am already applying this to our little household. This is a wonderful book.
Miller’s beautifully crafted book is a must read. The book is not only content rich, but has an artistically and user-friendly display. I’ve truly enjoyed reading the developmental stages and gotten helpful suggestions in the “Tips for Conductors” section for each stage. Miller’s style is knowledgeable, yet affirming and gentle for parents to be kind to themselves through this parenting journey.
This book has so much great information for every stage of a child’s life. Relating feelings to music, Jennifer beautifully writes on how to become a more confident parent.
Be sure and add this book to gift purchasing list and support the families you love this holiday season!
This is a Confident Parents’ favorite already viewed by many this season. Because of the numerous holidays celebrated through the fall and winter months, it is an ideal time to discuss how people celebrate around the world – both the uniqueness of traditions and also the many commonalities. I was struck by the number of similar themes and symbols when I did the research for the following world holiday facts. Most notably, the major holidays celebrate light in the darkness, show gratitude for food, family and life and pause for reflection or prayer. I was so enriched by learning about the beautiful traditions of celebrations around the world. I hope you will take a moment to share these with your family.
For any families who are living with war or violence or fear, we wish them light in the darkness and peace in days to come.
Hanukkah Cultural or Religious Origin: Judaism Purpose: To celebrate a miracle that one day’s worth of oil lasted for eight days in the temple. Symbols/Practices: For eight days, Jews light a special candleholder called a menorah. Traditions: On Hanukkah, many Jews also eat special potato pancakes called latkes, sing songs, and spin a top called a dreidel to win chocolate coins, nuts or raisins. Families also give one gift each of the eight days. http://www.jewfaq.org/holiday7.htm
Kwanzaa Cultural or Religious Origin: African-American Purpose: Started in the United States to celebrate African heritage for seven days based on African harvest festivals and focused on seven African principles including family life and unity. The name means “first fruits” in Swahili. Symbols/Practices: Participants wear ceremonial clothing and decorate with fruits and vegetables. Traditions: They light a candleholder called a kinara and exchange gifts. http://www.history.com/topics/holidays/kwanzaa-history
Chinese New Year Cultural or Religious Origin: China Purpose: Celebrate the new year. Symbols/Practices: Silk dragon in a grand parade is a symbol of strength. According to legend, the dragon hibernates most of the year, so people throw firecrackers to keep the dragon awake. Each new year is symbolized by a Zodiacal animal that predicts the characteristics of that year. 2016 will be the year of the monkey. Traditions: Many Chinese children dress in new clothes. People carry lanterns and join in a huge parade led by a silk dragon. People take time off of work for seven days and celebrate the feast with family. http://www.history.com/topics/holidays/chinese-new-year
Diwali Cultural or Religious Origins: Hindu, India Purpose: The festival of lights honors Lakshmi, India’s goddess of prosperity. It celebrates the inner light that protects all from spiritual darkness. Symbols/Practices: Millions of lighted clay saucers with oil and a cotton wick are placed near houses and along roads at night. Traditions: Women float these saucers in the sacred Ganges River, hoping the saucers will reach the other side still lit. Farmers dress up their cows with decorations and treat them with respect. The farmers show their thanks to the cows for helping the farmers earn a living. http://kids.nationalgeographic.com/explore/diwali/
La Posada Cultural or Religious Origins: Mexico and parts of Central America, Christian Purpose: Reenacts the journey Joseph and Mary took to find shelter to give birth to their son, Jesus. It is a festival of acceptance asking, “Who will receive the child?” Symbols/Practices: Candle light, song, prayer, actors dressing as Mary and Joseph Traditions: People celebrate through song and prayer doing musical re-enactments of the journey. In Mexico and many parts of Central America, people celebrate La Posada in church during the nine days before Christmas. It is a reenactment of the journey Joseph and Mary took to find shelter before the birth of their child, Jesus. https://www.journeymexico.com/blog/posadas-in-mexico-christmas-tradition
Boxing Day Cultural or Religious Origins: United Kingdom, Australia, Canada, New Zealand, Holland Purpose: To share gratitude and give to the poor. Symbols/Practices: Alms boxes were placed in churches to collect donations for the poor. Traditions: Servants were given the day off as a holiday. Charitable works are performed. And now major sporting events take place. http://www.whychristmas.com/customs/boxingday.shtml
Ramadan and Eid al-Fitr Cultural or Religious Origin: Islam, Muslim Purpose: An entire month is spent re-focusing on Allah (God) and participating in self-sacrifice to cleanse the spirit. Symbols/Practices: The crescent moon and a star are shown to indicate a month of crescent moons in the night sky. Participants pray daily in mosques. On Eid al-Fitr, they break the fast by dressing in their finest clothing, decorating homes with lights and decorations and giving treats to kids. Traditions: Not only do celebrants abstain from food, drink, smoke, sexual activity and immoral behavior during the days of Ramadan, they also work to purify their lives by forgiving others and behaving and thinking in positive, ethical ways. They break their fast each day by eating with family and friends after sunset. Breaking the fast on Eid al-Fitr involves making contributions to the poor and gratefulness. http://www.history.com/topics/holidays/ramadan
Omisoka Cultural or Religious Origin: Japan Purpose: This is the Japanese New Year. Symbols/Practices: Thoroughly cleaning house to purify it. Traditions: People remove any clutter and clean their homes to purify them for the new year. They have a giant feast with traditional foods. There’s a national talent competition. Bells ring at midnight and people go to pray at Shinto shrines. http://www.kidzworld.com/article/26414-omisoka-japanese-new-year
St. Lucia Day Cultural or Religious Origin: Sweden Purpose: To honor a third-century saint who was known as a “bearer of light” through dark Swedish winters. Symbols/Practices: With a wreath of burning candles worn on their heads, girls dress as Lucia brides in long white gowns with red sashes. Traditions: The Lucia brides wake up their families by singing songs and bringing them coffee and twisted saffron buns called “Lucia cats.” https://sweden.se/culture-traditions/lucia/
Christmas Cultural or Religious Origin: Christianity and Secular Purpose: To celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, believed by Christians to be the son of God. For the non-religious, the purpose is to give gifts, receive gifts from Santa Claus and celebrate with loved ones. Symbols/Practices: Santa Claus who was originally named after St. Nicolas, a bishop in Turkey, who was a giver of gifts to children. The evergreen tree was originally a German tradition. The star is the guiding light that led to the animal manger where the baby was born. Traditions: Presents are delivered in secret by Santa Claus on Christmas Eve while families are sleeping. Families and friends exchange gifts. http://www.history.com/topics/christmas
This year, I discovered a beautiful new picture book on world holidays.
This past week marked the 60th anniversary of the Rankin and Bass television special, “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer” though the story was originally written 87 years ago. The story is one of inclusion and how we need to not only be aware of our implicit bias to push children to fit a mold (yes, even Santa struggles with it in this story!), the story points to the fact that it takes intention and conscious effort to ensure every individual is seen, heard, and valued. Check out Coach Matheny’s reflections below on how this story can be used by families and educators alike to share valuable lessons with the children we love. We all have been a Rudolph and we’ve all known a Rudolph. Check it out… and may your red nose shine this season!
by Guest Author Rudolph Keeth Matheny
The beautiful story of a lovable, unique reindeer going from victim to hero is beloved by generations with a rich history and many hidden stories to reveal. Rudolph provides a well-known context for use to explore the roles of bullying, causes, and proactive solutions. In addition, the history of the story is a rich one, which adds depth to the children’s fable. The story and history of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer have many social and emotional learning gifts for us to unwrap.
“Called him names” – the situation and roles of bullying
At the start of the story of Rudolph, we all know the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. Name calling is known as social aggression, which is any negative behavior designed to embarrass and/or affect another’s social network. In addition to name calling, the other reindeer were also “excluding” Rudolph as “they would not let Rudolph join in any reindeer games”. Being excluded is another common and hurtful form of bullying. Name calling and excluding are classic bullying and for a very classic reason: for being different (Rudolph’s red nose).
It is helpful to understand the common roles involved in bullying in order to address it. Those roles are target, aggressor, bystander and hopefully an ally or allies. In the story of Rudolph, because he was the one being called names, he would be the “target” of the bullying. The “aggressor” is the person or persons doing the bullying behavior, which in this case, sadly would be “all of the other reindeer”. Unanimous bullying is rough and definitely the stuff of legend. Reindeer apparently are prone to a herd mentality. A bystander is someone who notices the bullying but does not encourage or discourage it, a kind of “Switzerland” role. We can only assume with all the name calling and excluding going around the North Pole that someone would have noticed, most likely the elves. You might make the excuse that the elves were very busy making toys, but since they are Santa’s reindeer caretakers and are known for their keen sense of hearing, they must have known. So for our story, the elves were the “bystanders” in the bullying roles. However, do not get too upset about the elves. They clearly did not join in on the bullying as there is no mention of them also calling Rudolph names or excluding him. Many people are bystanders and perhaps they did not know what to do to help Rudolph. This article will show you what can be done.
A surprisingly cold overall reindeer climate at the North Pole
Another concerning part of the story is that Rudolph did not seem to know what to do to advocate for himself. The North Pole at the time definitely needed to put both proactive and reactive systems in place for bullying prevention and an overall-positive reindeer climate. A reactive system would be if all reindeer and reindeer supervisors were educated about the roles involved in bullying and on what to do after the bullying had started. A proactive anti-bullying system would be supports or structures that may have prevented the bullying altogether, such as teaching the reindeer skills for responding to others, taking someone else’s perspective, showing empathy and advocating for others.
If a strong system was in place perhaps the elves would have acted as allies, and they could have done a lot to help instead of acting as bystanders.
These are common ways to be allies. They could have been a “confronter” and stood up for Rudolph; even something as small as “that is not a jolly thing to do” may have stopped the bullying. They could have been a “supporter” by supporting Rudolph through his trials comforting him after the bullying and helping him work through the problem. The elves could have been a “distractor” by distracting the reindeer when bullying, by changing the topic or telling a holiday joke. Some things they might have said to distract would be; “I hear there is a snowstorm coming in. Do you think we will be able to do the delivery run?” or even “Have you heard the joke about why Santa is so jolly?”
Rudolph also might have known some tips for a target. He could have stood up for himself by stating in a strong but non-threatening way “I feel hurt when someone bullies me, so stop bullying me”. Rudolph could have spoken to a friend, parent, or leader about the problem. Rudolph, however, was a wonderful role model as he did not let others’ negativity prevent him from being himself and shining his light.
Santa – The ultimate ally
Rudolph is eventually saved in the story by perhaps the ultimate ally, Santa. It is very possible Santa knew about the bullying and looked for a reason to give Rudolph a leadership role. The fog was possibly just the opportunity he was hoping for so he could turn things around for Rudolph. Perhaps there was an elf or a reindeer that did notice the bullying and reported it to Santa. Regardless, Santa is the perfect ally as a respected leader of the reindeer who had the vision to see what made Rudolph different as a strength rather than a weakness. This is a powerful way to turn around bullying and a wonderful way to see difference. What if we asked ourselves when we notice someone is different, how that difference is a strength? Better yet, what if we all tried to help them make that difference a strength?
“Poor Rudolph” – Empathy, the antidote
The author invokes a critical bullying antidote with the passage “They would not let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games”. By saying “poor Rudolph” the author was trying to get the reader to feel some empathy. In fact, he was also doing it by just telling Rudolph’s story, as it helps us engage in two key parts of empathy, (1) noticing how another is feeling and then (2) seeing it from their perspective. The third part of empathy is feeling with someone or feeling at-least a little bit of what they are feeling. This would be different for every reader, but the emotional ride of the story from poor Rudolph to going down in history surely evokes empathy in us all.
Without this appeal to our empathy, a reader might have thought all of this bullying behavior could be warranted for flaunting his red nose, a kind of “who does he think he is walking around with his red nose all stuck up in the air.” This is exactly why empathy is so important. When we recognize how others are feeling, see things from their perspective and feel a little of what they are feeling, we are putting ourselves in the position of another. Doing this is putting ourselves in another’s shoes or in this case horseshoes and if we were in those shoes, we would not want to be called names or excluded.
Rudolph for grown-ups – “Going down in history”
Empathy is at the core of our humanity and relates directly to the golden rule of “Do unto others as you would have done to you”. Without a perspective of empathy, we are prone to “other”-ing or to distancing ourselves from another person or group of people. To make them different from “us”. This psychological distance allows us to be callous or unfeeling towards them. Bullying and exclusion starts with othering someone for their difference. The small comments grow into rationale for exclusion or social aggression, “Othering” taken to broad extremes has allowed horrors such as Native American removal, slavery, the Holocaust, and many more throughout time. In fact, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was written by an author, Robert May, who was inspired by his own painful childhood experiences as a Jewish boy targeted by bullying. The story was created during a time of great personal sadness for May, during a global background of the horrors of the Holocaust.
Smothering othering with empathy using Rudolph
Empathy is really seeing ourselves in another, and it breaks down “othering” as it forces us to think about how we would feel and how we would want to be treated. Empathy can change bullies to bystanders and bystanders to allies. This is why the work of teaching empathy is so critical to creating safe inclusive communities and a better world. So, this holiday season as you share the story of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, talk about the gift of empathy within the story. For younger children ask them what they think Rudolph might be feeling at each stage of the story. Talk about bullying and how to be an ally. For older children, consider adding the deeper history of the story. But most of all, use the story to remind all to see what others are feeling, put themselves in their shoes, and act from a place of compassion.
Perhaps the lesson of Rudolph can help make us all go down in a more empathetic, peaceful, and inclusive history.
This year, Rudolph Keeth Matheny made a video about the anniversary and the teaching opportunity for educators. Check it out here.
Guest Author Rudolph Keeth Matheny is a social and emotional learning teacher, speaker, and author of the book, “ExSELent Teaching; Classroom Strategies to Support the Social, Emotional, and Academic Growth of Students.“ He is named Rudolph, after his grandfather, who dramatically escaped the Holocaust on “Kristallnacht” and immigrated to America. He then worked in a warehouse and sent most of what he earned to help family members and friends escape. HIs mother, out of concern for his being bullied, nicknamed Rudolph “Keeth,” which is what he has been called all his life. Now that he knows more about his grandfather, he embraces Rudolph both in his name and in his work. He is a co-author of School-Connect, a research and evidence-based social and emotional learning curriculum that is now in over 2000 schools. Check out his site,SEL Launchpad!
*What an absolute joy to learn from and partner with Rudolph Keeth Matheny this week! It’s an honor to publish his outstanding article. – CPCK
Extra late nights studying and writing papers have become a nightly gig for our high school student as extracurriculars fill after school time. For us, work deadlines loom, meetings are stacked up before break, and the daily list of gift buying, wrapping, decorating, and generally preparing for the holidays ahead keep all of us on hyperdrive in December. During a meeting at my son’s school today, I heard just how many people were home sick – a lot! Staff were talking about family coming in to town soon and how much they had to finish up before any celebrating could begin. It’s crunch time and it can wear us down even before we make it to the festivities.
When my son was in second grade in this time leading up to winter break, I recall he burst into tears as his friends waited at our door to play. He had fallen up our stairs and gashed his shin on the metal rims of the hall steps. I plopped on the floor to comfort him and as he turned to me, he said, “Mom, you told me to hurry.” And it stopped me in my tracks. Why? Why did he need to hurry? In my mind, I had a million tasks to accomplish including facilitating his tasks – homework, dinner, and holiday preparations. I had thought it could be good for him to get outside and run around with his pals for a short time. But I was pressuring him to hurry up and why? Quick, go examine bugs under the rocks?! As he ran out and the door shut, I noticed the quiet in our house and really stopped for the first time. What was I doing?
With the holiday season upon us – no matter what holiday you are celebrating – you may be feeling similarly – fully in the throes of too much to do with too little time. And the knot in your tummy may be growing as mine has been. In a time when I want to produce joy for my family, I realize I am a lesser version of what I can be because of stress. I know I will get to this stressed-out place well before the holidays happen. And somehow I feel powerless to stop it. There’s still work to get accomplished before taking time off. There’s still the same amount of presents to buy for others (and actually, more as E’s friends and connections grow). There’s still cookies to bake, decorations to hang, and packages to send.
And so I write this post to help myself as much as you think about and deal with the situation we find ourselves in. In the very midst of the chaos, how can we keep our calm center? And how can we recall that our state of mind and being will impact the way others experience our celebrations together? Our stress will show. And whether we like or not, it’s contagious. It spreads like a virus and others get snappy and agitated – not conducive attitudes for cooperation more less jubilation.
Whether you are celebrating Hanukkah, Christmas, or Kwanzaa, all of the major holidays this season celebrate light in the darkness. And that’s the gift I most want to give my family and the one I think they will appreciate beyond the “stuff.” Yes, I’ll bring gifts. But more importantly, I am setting an intention to prepare myself for the experience of celebrating with family and friends. I plan to deck our halls with a feeling of peace and joy and appreciation for our abundance. And I know that has to begin with me. Here are a few things I plan to do that, maybe, you’ll consider for yourself.
Engage in deep breathing each day. I was in the habit of taking ten deep breaths before I launched into work each morning but my routine fell away as the season crowded my moments. So I plan to return to this practice to set a tone for my day.
You might also consider: How can I include moments of pause or quiet with my children to help them feel that sense of calm?
Get exercise and fresh air. The routine of breathing outside and getting to the gym could easily also fall away with the season. But I know these are the activities that keep me centered, focused and feeling resilient. So I plan to make special arrangements while my son is home over the extended break so that I am sure to keep my routines sacred for the benefit of my whole family. We have a new bird feeder and we enjoy watching the birds and squirrels gather around it. This year, I’m involving family members in topping it off when it gets low, just one way we all get outside a little.
You might consider: How can we as a family get outside and breathe the fresh air together?
Mentally prepare before events. My sparkling outfit is not as important as the demeanor, the tone, or the mood I bring to any celebration. Whether it’s in my own home, at a friend’s house, or in a restaurant, the way I engage with others matters greatly. It can mean the difference between really connecting or “phoning it in” without true interchange. There may be individuals that you celebrate with only one time a year. This is that moment, that unique opportunity to bring your focused attention to them. I will set my own intention to focus on the present before I go so that when I arrive, I am ready to fully engage with whoever comes my way. I’ll stop and take a pause before leaving the house or answering the doorbell. This small step can have a ripple effect on my own and my family’s experience of the holidays. I know this will set an example and tone for my child. I notice when I’m stressed, he’s stressed. But when I’m calm and engaging with others, he does the same.
You might consider: How can we as a family take a pause before going to our social gatherings this season?
Set goals for connection. When you go to a party, you likely anticipate who you’ll see. Sometimes that anticipation creates anxiety if you’ve had challenges with individuals in the past or if those individuals view you in ways that you do not view yourself. Those interactions can be opportunities for your own growth in social and emotional competence. Instead of dreading those who challenge you, ask yourself three important questions.
What can I learn from this individual who challenges me?
How can I begin to understand their perspective and feel compassion for them?
How do I want to show up in that conversation?
I know that if I model curiosity and compassion, that will have a direct impact on how my child interacts with others. I want to leave a party feeling like I know more about the individuals that I met than I did when walking into the room. And what if I also learned more about myself by attempting to relinquish worries about what I’m saying and what messages I’m communicating about my life but focus on learning about others, finding common ground and sharing my ability to be empathetic and show care?
You might also consider: how can I coach my child when they are struggling with social anxieties to discover what they are learning about themselves and others?
Insert mindfulness rituals into your gatherings. We are so looking forward to a quiet evening with dear friends to share in a quiet sacred ritual of burning evergreens in a home fire to recognize the passing from light to darkness on the shortest day of the year, the winter solstice. We include a guided meditation/visualization that children and teens can join in on and reflective journaling to prompt reflections too. Consider how you might include your own mindfulness practices into your celebrations. Perhaps it’s reading aloud a passage or a poem you are inspired by? Or maybe you take time as a family to take three deep breaths before eating a meal? You don’t have to fit in your own stress management strategies around the edges of the holiday. Find ways to include it and it will assist all members in being focused and present with one another.
Consider: How can I include a simple mindful ritual into our family traditions?
Say “no” when it’s too much. Instead of cramming each activity into every space of time in the few weeks left in the year, consider what might be too much. Have you accounted for quiet rest time? Have you considered how the pace will impact family members? We rarely plan our schedules for our mental well-being but particularly in this season of over-commitment, it can be worth asking, “What do we really want or need to do?” “When can we get in rest time?” and “Are there plans we need to say “no” to?
You might consider: Our children will struggle with saying no since they are often the receivers of plans, not the designers. How can you lead careful reflections of your child’s activities with your child (or as a family) and together decide what’s reasonable and what is too much?
Express gratitude daily. The holiday season is a time of high contrasts – tremendous sorrow missing loved ones that have passed on or reflecting upon our tough circumstances and then, also feeling the magic, imagination, and sheer bliss of children’s experience of the traditions surrounding the holidays. It’s an emotional time. So it requires us to become more planful about our big emotions. One way to balance out our adult angst is to express gratitude with our children daily. Whether you mention your gratitude over breakfast, during the ride home from school or at bedtime, kids will benefit by actively appreciating all that they have. And you will benefit by recognizing the goodness in your life. It will assist you as you set a tone with your family.
Consider: Do you have a specific time daily when you are with your family that you could express gratitude together?
Carving out time and space for your mental well-being may seem like another “to do” to add to the list. But consider the fact that paying attention to the tone of your family and setting an example will give you energy and motivation as you gently experience your days. The gift of your attention certainly is one of the most important for your children and indeed, your whole family. Consider how you might deck your halls with psychological well-being this season!
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