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Dive Into Summer with Some Simple Boundaries to Ensure All (Including Parents!) Enjoy the Season

“Mom, what do you really want to do this summer?” my son asked me during our bedtime pillow talk last night. I had to think. I wanted my summer sunshine dreams of lemonade stands, library visits, and creeking at local parks to roll off my tongue but instead, my mind was a-jumble.

In our race to the finish line of school, my head was swimming with work agendas and classroom parent tasks to complete. It wasn’t easy to get my mind quickly focused on summertime fun though that’s precisely the hope of my ten-year-old boy. And as I attempted to, waves of anxiety tend to rush through my veins as I figure out the windows of time in which I can accomplish work during those sunny summer days in the midst of playtime.

This was written five years ago and so much has changed including the fact that my son doesn’t “play” anymore but instead “hangs out.” At ten, his head came to the crux of my arm and today, I crane my neck to look up at him. We, however, yet again will have a conversation about summer boundaries and routines as a family. With a teen, you may consider the list I’ve included to tailor your rules to your own family’s specific assets and challenges.

I know that if I take some time over the coming weeks to do some collective summer dreaming while establishing some “lite” routines, our summer will be filled with cooperation, shared responsibility, and opportunities for those precious moments of spontaneity — the ones that I truly want to define our summer.

So with that in mind, here are the ways in which we’ll establish a foundation for fun. Perhaps some of these tips will help your household enjoy the summer as well.

Take Time for Sunny Summer Dreaming.

Grab a poster board or newsprint and brainstorm together a list of favorite activities you want to be sure and get in over the summer. Separate into “at home” and “out.” Make sure there are some ideas that can be done as solo play. Hang it on the refrigerator or somewhere you can refer to it throughout the summer. This serves as a terrific way to anticipate the fun of summer and can be an invaluable support for pointing to when your child comes to you bored and unsure of how to spend his/her time. I’ve done this every summer with great success. At ten, my son took the initiative himself without prompting and wrote out thirty-five ideas for summer fun! Now that he’s 15, we simply talk about our hopes and dreams and make some plans together.

Talk about Your Routine “Lite.”

Though you may be eager to relinquish the rigor of the daily school routine, children still thrive with some sense of predictability. So talk about changes in your routine while your family is together. Consider your morning, bedtime and meal times and other transitions in the day. How will things stay the same? How will things change? Perhaps, you’ll agree that getting dressed should happen by a certain time in the morning? Having this discussion can help set expectations for the summer and also provide that sense of stability children can thrive on through routines.

Check out my checklist of all the potential considerations to discuss for summer. Some you may be able to check off right away or skip – you’ve got them covered. Others you and your family might spend some focused conversation on.

Set Up a Regular Quiet Reading Time.

Sure, you may be out of the house some days during a typical quiet time. But consider assigning a particular time of day to serve as a quiet time whenever you are around the house. After lunch could work, late afternoon or right before dinner. Turn off devices and media. Haul out blankets and books. You could include snacks. But it should be a time when all in the household “power down” and take it easy. Set the expectation for this at the beginning of summer and kids will assume it’s part of their summer routine.

Create a Simple Camp, Pool, or Summer Job Checklist

Is there a place you tend to go daily in the summertime whether it’s day camp or a pool or a summer job? Make sure you’ve set up your children for success in getting ready and out of the door with ease. Create a simple checklist together of what’s consistently needed. Bug spray? Check. Sun tan lotion? Check. Water bottle? Work I.D.! Check. Use a dry erase board and kids can actually check off items each day. It will help them take responsibility for their own preparation and you won’t have to become the summertime nag!

Discuss Responsibilities and Consider Adding a Household Job List

Hopefully, your children understand their household responsibilities throughout the year. But anytime there is a transition, it’s a good moment to revisit. And you may consider one added responsibility to contribute to the household that’s age-appropriate since there tends to be more time in the summer. In addition, if you’re child is eager to earn money but too young to go out and get a job, you may consider putting together a list of jobs beyond their typical responsibilities such as, sweeping the first floor carpet for a $1.00. This will add to their practice of taking responsibility for jobs and offer a chance for your child to earn money this summer while helping you out! Consider a time when you do chores and offer that time for all family members to work together.

For more on establishing household responsibilities with children, check out this article. And for an age-appropriate household responsibility list, check out this printable!

Talk about Screen Time Limits and Expectations.

Avoid a daily battle or the chance your child might become addicted to screens and not flourish through multiple activities this summer beyond screens. Learn as a family the reasons why it’s important to limit screen time. Focus on the positive benefits of using time in other ways. Then, be clear together about what limits you’ll agree upon.

For more on facts about why it’s important to limit screen time as well as, a family media meeting agenda and a family screen time agreement, check out this article.

The warmer weather brings about so many opportunities for laughter and exploration together. May your summer be filled with those kinds of magical moments with your children, teens and whole family!

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Posted on May 29, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Key Ways to Promote Responsibility without Punishment

This time of transition between the end of the school year and summer beginning can be a jarring transition for parents and children alike. We are excited about the better weather and the opportunity for free time. Yet, tasks still need to be accomplished and the stack of events in May and early June pack our schedule and make us all feel frenzied. When times are busier, they are ripe for children to make poor choices. They may need more attention that we are not capable of providing. They may be comparing themselves to peers and feeling “not enough” as others receive academic and sports awards at school year’s end. Add hunger or tiredness and the time pressures of a busy schedule and you’ve got an upset child. Sometimes, that upset results in poor choices that may impact you or your family. And because you may also be tired, hungry, and overworked, your response may not represent your true values about what you want to teach them. So the time might be ripe for this reminder about ways to respond to poor choices that promote responsibility. Old habits or outdated beliefs might kick in that lead you to nagging, yelling, or even punishing. So let’s take a pause to examine why it’s so critical to promote responsibility in ways that exercise the skill and build your child’s inner moral compass.

Some parents feel that if they do not impose punishments, their child will not understand that their behavior is inappropriate and that somehow they won’t be doing their job in teaching the lesson of responsibility. Time and again, however, research confirms that punishment is ineffective and in fact, creates more poor choices.¹ When a child is punished, they often feel scared, humiliated, and hurt. This is what they focus on – licking their wounds (read: victim state) – and not seeing themselves as responsible agents. This overwhelming sense of fear or hurt impacts their relationship with you – “why are they trying to hurt me?” – while also failing to teach them the appropriate constructive behavior and build a skill. Your child is likely to miss the lesson you want to emphasize entirely while feeling unsafe and sometimes, unfairly wronged.

Pay attention when you use punishments to whether or not the poor choice is made again to know if the lesson was learned. Punishment creates a vicious cycle in which a child feels badly about themselves and repeats the behaviors that are expected of a “bad child.” To interrupt this cycle, parents need to learn to actively support their child in repairing harm and taking active ownership for their role in the problem.

“A child who complies in the hope of getting a reward or avoiding a punishment is not, as we sometimes say, ‘behaving themselves.’ It would be more accurate to say the reward or punishment is behaving him.” writes researcher and leading educational reformer Alfie Kohn.²When we turns our backs, the behavior repeats because the skill has not been practiced, nor has a value or lesson been internalized.

Using physical force, such as spanking is also highly ineffective. A meta-analysis of five decades of research conclusively showed that spanking a child results in short-term negative outcomes like aggression and defiance and long-term outcomes like substance abuse.³

We do not desire raising obedient humans. We desire raising hearts and minds that are self aware that they have a role and responsibility in every challenge that occurs. We want them to exercise the actions of taking responsibility so that they understand what that looks like and feels like. That’s true self awareness and responsible decision-making.

Take a Pause First – Regardless of the Situation.

Our children are our chief button-pushers. When problems arise, when children act with defiance or attempt to bait us into a power struggle, it’s rattling. We are not weak or uninformed or even bad parents for that shake-up. It’s simply how mother nature set us up to be certain to pay attention to our kids when they need our attention. But how we respond to that rattling is key. Why quickly respond when you know that impulse will lead your decision-making? Show your child how to self manage by modeling it yourself in those key moments of challenge. Pause. Close your eyes if you need to. Go inside. Slow down. Breathe. Take your time. Slow down time. Yes, you’ve heard this before but there’s an important reason. It can make all of the difference in whether or not you respond with a clear head and with emotional intelligence at the fore.

Guide your Children to Repair Harm.

Children may feel bad about themselves after they have made a poor choice and harmed another. Perhaps they’ve struggled with controlling their impulses. Sometimes in that moment, children can feel overwhelmed as if all of the important people in their lives are mad at them and like nothing they can do or say can make things better.

Help them practice making good choices after they have caused harm. You might say, “Let’s think of ways we can make this better.” Generate ideas together. “I could hug my sister and tell her I’m sorry?” Then offer support as they fix a broken toy, repair a ripped book, or offer a popsicle to a child they’ve knocked down. I often find myself saying to E when a friend gets hurt, “Go check on him. Ask if he’s okay or if he needs a bandaid.” The more practice children get thinking about and putting caring energy into repairing both physical and emotional damage, the better equipped they will be for situations in which serious damage has occurred and they need to be strong and make better choices. And in turn, when they have been hurt, they will be more ready to give a second chance to their offender. In addition, discuss the consequences of not forgiving. “If you do not forgive Sammy for taking your Lego piece, what will happen to your friendship?”

For older children and teens, the issues only become more complex and so too, the need for guidance around how to repair harm and forgive. When teens harm, talk through together the ways in which they can repair relationships. Often, they need to be heard and understood first since their big emotions will be center stage if they are having friendship or peer difficulties. Taking responsibility can mean coming back to the person you’ve fought with and saying, “I realize I was frustrated with you. Here’s why. I hope we can work it out.”

You can coach your teen that they have choices. First, with a friendship they want to preserve or in a sibling relationship, they can communicate any ways in which they’ve done harm and take responsibility for their own behavior. This step in a relationship can open a safe space for a friend or peer to do the same but it doesn’t always work. The friend may not always take that opportunity to own their wrong-doing. So then, it’s up to your teen to do their own internal heart work to ensure they are letting go of anger they may be holding. Your support can help them through that process.

Follow Through with Your Child.

It can take great courage to own your role in a problem with a peer, a friend, or an adult. And our children will not automatically understand how to repair harm in a relationship. Adults struggle with this. So our children require our support. After you’ve thought through together what words or actions they will take, assist them in following through if they require it. If they’ve broken a neighbor’s flowerpot, walk over to the neighbor with them. Don’t apologize for them. But be there as a support when they step up and repair harm.

Reflect.

Be sure you reflect on the full experience to help your child internalize the learning. We all make poor choices. It’s how we respond. It’s that next choice that makes all of the difference. So think through together how your child took responsibility. Also consider: did the relationship become stronger? Often it does when we know that a relationship won’t break just because there’s been a challenge.

The lesson of responsibility is one of our top roles and gifts we can give our children. We know we don’t want them to blame or become defensive. We want them to stand tall and take ownership over their words and actions. Admit when they have caused harm. We want them to take steps to make things better. We want them to understand there is always a next chance to make a responsible choice.

References:

Baumrind, D. (1966). Effects of authoritative parental control on child behavior. Child Development, 37(4), 887–907.
Kohn, A. (1999). Punished by Rewards; The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise and Other Bribes. NY, NY: Houghton Mifflin.
Gershoff, E. T., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2016). Spanking and child outcomes: Old controversies and new meta-analyses. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), 453–469. doi:10.1037/ fam0000191
Straus, M. A., & Stewart, J. H. (1999). Corporal punishment by American parents: National data on prevalence, chronicity, severity, and duration, in relation to child and family characteristics. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, 2, 55–70.

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Posted on May 20, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Transitions – Endings, Middles, and Beginnings

Thank you partner Glencoe School District 35 in northern Chicago for reminding me that our young children are managing many transitions this time of year. They may be mourning the losses of beloved teachers and the grade they are completing. Here are some supports to better understand and support those transitions in family life.

Long ago, but not so very long ago
The world was different, oh yes it was
Time goes by, time brings changes, you change, too
Nothing comes that you can’t handle, so on you go

– Our Town from the Cars movie, by James Taylor[i]

These words were sung in my house yesterday by my soulful five-year-old, with a passion that might come from the life experience of a forty-year-old who has seen hard times. I thought how strange it was that he would pick the somewhat sad and reflective song from his beloved movie, Cars[ii], versus some of the more popular, upbeat songs. My husband reminded me, “This is how he’s feeling these days.” Moving from his current preschool to Kindergarten is his impending world change. Sometimes it feels as if life is one big transition. You are starting a new job or business venture. Your spouse is working on a degree. Your son is taking up the trumpet or beginning a baseball league. Your daughter is entering puberty. Transitions abound. And though sometimes the new seems exciting, the changes can also be scary, frustrating and stressful.

There is an entire line of inquiry devoted to the topic of transitions in the early childhood years for the very reason that there are so many that occur in a young child’s life. They experience both vertical transitions, like graduating from preschool and moving on to kindergarten as my son is about to do and horizontal transitions, like moving from different settings each day from home, to preschool, to the sitters, to gymnastics and back home. And so throughout childhood and adolescence, physical, psychological and environmental changes are nearly constant.

Listening seems to be one key to understanding the kind of support people need in going through a transition. Studies have found that children’s perceptions of what kind of support they need to make major or minor transitions differ significantly from adult’s perceptions.[iii] As is true with parenting in general, there is no one single best approach. However sociocultural research points to the importance of parents being involved nonetheless. I asked my own son the following and tried to listen carefully.

“How are you feeling about moving from your preschool to kindergarten in the fall?”
“I don’t want to go. I just want to stay at my school,” E responded.

And when I asked what we could do together to help make the move from one school to the next more fun and enjoyable, he said, “Nothing.” And so it’s not a simple process to ask questions and listen to the response and then do what your child suggests they need. But when facing a major transition, there are a few ways that you can offer support to those in the transition. Though the ideas, for the most part, are geared for children, these suggestions could apply to any age.

Raise your awareness.
First, just having a greater awareness of the fact that a transition is taking place and that it’s likely stressful on the participants will give you greater empathy for them. After five years of a whole school change initiative I was facilitating in which an elementary school moved from failing to achieving through much dedication, collaboration, and hard work, the district decided to close down the school because it was an old facility. Teachers were let go and had to apply to new positions in other schools. We gave each teacher the gift of the book, Transitions; Making Sense of Life’s Changes.[iv] It is an exceptional resource for any person struggling with a transition. In it William Bridges, the author, explains that in every transition there is a death first – a letting go of the old way of thinking, being or doing. The one in the midst of change must let go of the old in order to embrace the new. Sometimes there are no physical manifestations of the change but only internal differences as in a new understanding. In situations that are supposed to be joyful like having a baby, it’s not socially acceptable to mourn the loss of time with your partner or life before baby but nonetheless, it’s a part of the transition. Being aware that there’s a mourning process taking place with your child – moving from one school to another or even leaving a beloved teacher – will give you greater empathy for what you child is experiencing.

Create a ritual or rite of passage.
Somewhere in our backyard is a pacifier lovingly placed in a box and buried in the dirt. E and I had a ceremony to say goodbye to the pacifier when it was time to move on. That experience helped E break the pacifier habit for good and in a way that emotionally supported his transition. When I quit a job that left me feeling disenchanted and depleted, I wrote down all of my frustrations and burned them up in the fireplace. Creating an event to recognize or symbolize the passing away of the old and the passageway to the new can help a person commit to a new path and let go of the old.

If your children are school age, they may be anticipating the beginning of their school year. Why not offer some opportunity for reflection on their past school year? Some teachers go over the assignments and work produced throughout the year with students to see progress made but this does not happen enough in my estimation. Why not do that at home? Get out the artwork produced, homework completed and papers returned and take a look at all the learning that has taken place throughout the year. Then involve your child in recycling papers you don’t want to keep while saying goodbye to last school year and clearing space for the new year. Then you’ll be ready to celebrate – in whatever small way you choose – the school year’s start with your family.

Embrace the in-between.
That place in-between when you’ve let go of the old but have not yet begun the new can be incredibly uncomfortable. We are anxious for the new to begin. After all, we’ve committed to letting go of the past. Sometimes we will even make choices that will escalate the change so that the uncomfortable nothingness of the in-between passes quickly. In the neutral zone, as Bridges calls it, is the optimal time for quiet reflection on what has passed and also on hopes and dreams for the future. Who do you want to become? Children could take advantage of this opportunity with a little guidance each summer since every new school year is an opportunity, a new chance. Provide opportunities for reflection by modeling your own reflection – talking aloud or to your family about your thoughts. Allow children to be reflective by asking questions that do not require answers but only their private thoughts. “Hmmm – what are your hopes for third grade?” Allow the questions to hang in the air without expecting a response. You may be surprised as a day or week goes by and a response comes back to you when they have had the chance to really think about their desires for their next step.

Pave the way for the new.
When developmental changes occur, people do not leave the old behind or throw it away. The past stages are built upon and cumulative so that the ways of the infant, toddler, preschooler and beyond are always a part of who they are. If I get frustrated with my son when he has a moment of acting like he might have when he was a toddler, I have to remind myself that the toddler is still in there and a part of him. Sometimes children need reminding that what they are leaving behind is not gone forever. We can go visit a favorite teacher next year and see how she is doing. We can play that old cd from music class and relive the memories. Paving the way for the new means offering ways to stay connected to the old and then focusing on new opportunities. Unknown friends and teachers might seem scary. But going into that new environment before it’s time for school to begin can ease the transition. If it’s in your control, think about ways you can gently introduce the new. Is there a children’s book on the topic you could read and talk about together? Are there other kids you could hang out with who have experienced the new situation and could share their impressions? Any safe, “toe in the water” experiences with the new can help your child feel more comfortable.

Returning from the in-between or reflection stage of a transition ultimately “… brings us back to ourselves and involves a reintegration of our new identity with elements of our old one.… Inwardly and outwardly, one comes home,” writes Bridges. Helping children through the uncertainty and fear of the new and unknown can allow them to explore their new direction with excitement, wonder and hope.

References

[i] Taylor, J. (2006). Our town. On Cars Soundtrack. Los Angeles,CA: Walt Disney Records, Pixar.
[ii] Walt Disney Pictures and Pixar (Producer), & Lasseter, J., & Ranft, J. et al. (Writer, Director). (2006). Cars (Motion Picture). United States: Walt Disney Pictures.
[iii] Vogler, P., Crivello, G., & Woodhead, M. (2008). Early childhood transitions research: A review of concepts, theory and practice. The Hague, The Netherlands: Bernard van Leer Foundation.
[iv] Bridges, W. (2004). Transitions; Making sense of life’s changes. (2nd. Ed.) Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press.

Originally posted on May 2, 2013.

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Posted on May 15, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

The Learning Journey for Parents of Neuro-diverse Learners

“I see her whole strength,” says Amelia Menk-Brown, Mom and Educational Technology leader, about her daughter who thrives academically in a highly challenging private school while managing her neuro-diverse learning needs.

Neurodiversity describes any person who thinks, learns or perceives differently than others but often refers to a person who is on the Autism spectrum or has been identified as having Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD) or Dyslexia. And there are numerous other designations that fit the neuro-divergent term like mental health challenges (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Bipolar Disorder), Down Syndrome, Dyspraxia, Dysgraphia and more.¹ The guesstimate is that 15-20% of the population are neuro-divergent thinkers and learners.² Not only do traditional modes of learning in the classroom and at home not work, but also students are more likely to be bullied and picked on for their differences. For example, children with ADHD are twice as likely to be bullied than their neuro-typical peers.³

Though currently the types of learners who fall under the neuro-divergent umbrella are labeled with “disorders,” there’s newer research that suggests that the mental illness perspective may not be accurate at all.⁴ Indeed, neuro-divergent learners and thinkers may be an evolutionary adaptation of the human species to assist in quicker mental activity, extra-sensory sensitivity (as culturally we become more de-sensitized) and more.

Being a parent of a neuro-divergent student can be particularly challenging since most schools are set up for neuro-typical learners and many struggle with ways in which to support different and individualized learning needs.

Both of Amelia’s “kids,” “A,” a sophomore in high school, and “B,” a freshman in college, struggled mightily with school. At a young age, each was diagnosed with ADHD and Dyslexia. As they grew, Amelia saw their identity emerging as “other” because she explained, “when you are neuro-divergent, you constantly question yourself. You feel like a square peg in a round hole all of the time because you just don’t learn in the same way others do.” She watched it taking hold of their self confidence — feeling guilty about struggling to do their schoolwork and labeled by teachers as “lazy, unwilling and hopelessly disorganized.”

Even though her daughter has the equivalent of an individualized learning plan (or IEP) at school, she still feels like “nobody steps into her shoes and thinks ‘what’s it like for her and how can we optimize her journey?’.” Amelia confesses, “The worst nights are Sunday nights when she has avoided her work all weekend.” Amelia reads aloud so that A can consume the information in a way that doesn’t exhaust her so that she has energy to do the critical thinking and analysis (the thinking work) that is required of older students and adults. Those times Mom, Dad who is also on the learning support team and daughter are all exhausted and staying up late to get the work done. And the week has only just begun.

The family spent time advocating with teachers who were not well educated in the ways in which learning can happen differently for her children. That advocacy created the need for school changes. But also much of the educational process had to take place at home because school just wasn’t equipped. Both parents spent considerable time reading and learning about ADHD and Dyslexia and experimenting with new ways of taking in school material that could better support learning. But their parent learning supports go far beyond the mechanics of learning like reading aloud.

Amelia has come to realize that a critical part of her role is to model and promote social and emotional skills in order to support A’s learning success. Frustration is naturally a part of learning but for those who experience the challenges and opportunities of neuro-divergent thinking, frustration is frequent and persistent. So self regulation is a critical higher order thinking skill to be developed and practiced. “When I’m frustrated” Amelia relays, “losing my self regulation helps nobody. I have to take a step back.” So she has adopted habits of pausing, of breathing, of taking time out and then, expressing her feelings. That emotional awareness serves as a crucial tool as A moves into high stakes academics during the school day and has to find ways to self manage. Amelia is aware that she has to model those skills first if A is to do the same. It also helps Mom let go and allow A to try and even fail at times but learn to do things for herself.

Amelia also engages her in metacognition, or thinking about her thinking processes and ways in which she learns best. Metacognition is a key higher order thinking skill that has shown to contribute to any student’s academic success and a particularly important strategy for neuro-divergent learners. They can approach a learning task understanding how they think and learn and take approaches that align with that awareness.

Amelia feels passionate about helping her daughter reinvent her self perception as fully intelligent and fully capable. “I see her as a whole person with tremendous strength. There’s nothing wrong with her.” So she recounts stories to A of her persistence despite struggles and those stories of strength help build a new identity of resilience and confidence.

These social and emotional strategies contribute to the whole family’s sense of well-being as the parents feel agency that they can be supportive and the daughter and son feel they are capable and competent in their learning.

Other ideas for supporting neuro-divergent learners include:

– ask first how they learn best and listen reflectively for needs, helpful supports and goals.

– be present, observant and calm. This requires that both educators and parents adopt their own self management strategies including mindfulness practices.

– use empathy. Articulate feelings. And remind yourself how your student feels when approaching more challenging tasks.

– become sensitive to the environment and all five sense stimulations – sounds, sights, smells, and limit those to create quiet learning spaces.

– create movement opportunities regularly – both small and large through hand manipulatives (fidgets, knitting, drawing) brain breaks, and outdoor time. Movement is not a distraction! It serves a key purpose to help integrate information in the brain.

– use clear, direct language. Sometimes referred to as “clean language,” communications avoid sarcasm, euphemisms or subtle implied messages.

– break down tasks into small steps and if helpful, put in writing.

– ask for help and find support!

Be sure you have tools at the ready to support your efforts! We like the Zones of Regulation because it’s simple and they pair feelings with healthy responses. Also, check out our coping strategies lists — or make your own! – and keep it posted so your child can easily refer to it when frustrated. There’s so much more to learn about this topic on how we can better understand and support neuro-divergent learners so this is just a start!

And there’s more to Amelia’s story as well. As she took the time to be more present and put herself in daughter’s shoes attempting to see from her perspective, she grew a passion and sense of purpose for helping other students who struggle. Amelia has shifted her work to focus on building technology solutions that can help students who need different modalities for learning.

It’s clear that our support of neuro-divergent learners is mind and heart-expanding for neuro-typical learners. It can raise our social awareness and expand our creative thinking as we experience individuals who perceive the world differently.

Favorite Websites with More Support:

Conscious Discipline – on ways to support educators and parents in learning and promoting self regulation

Child Mind Institute

Understood

*Big thanks to Amelia Menk-Brown for her leadership on this topic and for sharing their family’s story!

References:

1.Baumer, N. & Frueh, J. (2021). What is neurodiversity? Mind & Mood. Harvard Health Publishing, Nov. 23. Retrieved on 10/18/23 at https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/what-is-neurodiversity-202111232645

2. Doyle N. (2020). Neurodiversity at work: a biopsychosocial model and the impact on working adults. British Medical Bulletin. Oct 14;135(1):108-125. Retrieved on 10/18/23 at https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7732033/

3. Cuba Bustinza, C., Adams, R. E., Claussen, A. H., Vitucci, D., Danielson, M. L., Holbrook, J. R., Charania, S. N., Yamamoto, K., Nidey, N., & Froehlich, T. E. (2022). Factors Associated With Bullying Victimization and Bullying Perpetration in Children and Adolescents With ADHD: 2016 to 2017 National Survey of Children’s Health. Journal of Attention Disorders. Retrieved on 10/18/23 at https://doi.org/10.1177/10870547221085502.

4. Hunt, A., & Jaeggi, A. (2022). Specialised minds: Extending adaptive explanations of personality to the evolution of psychopathology. Evolutionary Human Sciences, 4, E26. Retrieved on 10/18/23 at https://www.cambridge.org/core/journals/evolutionary-human-sciences/article/specialised-minds-extending-adaptive-explanations-of-personality-to-the-evolution-of-psychopathology/EA63787E64435787ADEF5A0AC882593A.

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Posted on May 8, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Commitment to Children; Mothers of Curiosity, Care, and Courage

In the lead up to Mothers’ Day, I am reflecting on the importance of loving the beautiful qualities in each and every child – not dwelling on the hopes, dreams, or wishes one had for who you thought your child would be or what your child would accomplish. Rather, basking in the unique, authentic strengths they possess that sometimes leave you scratching your head in awe and wonder. “Where did she get that curiosity? That concern for others? That courage?” My two little girls leave me feeling inspired daily. They are complete opposites, but I love their differences whole-heartedly. The one burning wish I do cling to, however? That my 4-year-old would finally start sleeping through the night!

– Jen Hanson-Peterson, Mother and International Coaching Federation (ICF) Coach and Consultant

The deeply curious Mom – as Jen Hanson-Peterson clearly is – recognizes that our children come to us with their own very unique body, mind and spirit. There is no blank slate here, no clay to mold… only a fully sentient human. Yes, our child will change, grow and develop but they also are born with an essential thread that is who they are, not replicated anywhere else. That’s why getting to know our children, deeply listening, observing and paying attention to who they are, what they’re learning, and what they care most about can be our greatest teachers as parents. Jen, along with so many other confident parents, are aware that they are stewards of this journey of the soul — watchers, supporters, and partners with their child’s becoming.

This Mother’s Day, our world needs more of this sensitivity to the uniqueness of children and teens who are deeply engaged at this moment in being their best selves. They are looking to the adults in their lives for cues as they wrestle with their own moral dillemas and attempt to make sense of our complicated world. As a parenting coach myself, I’ve worked with numerous parents who are working hard to get out of their own way. When they look at their child, they see traits of themselves they can’t stand, they see traces of their divorced spouse, they see markers of their own abusive parents, none of which are the child in front of them. So much of our role as parents is to pay attention to who we have in front of us and check our own projections. How can we pay attention long enough to understand what their needs are and what their hearts hold, knowing we’ve been entrusted with one of the most sacred roles?

There are distinctly feminine qualities that motherhood offers any parent the opportunity to more fully embody. These are often underplayed, undervalued and even criticized in ours and other cultures around the world. Perhaps because often they require vulnerability, having the courage to allow oneself to invest on a heart level on a daily basis with one’s family. These “vulnerable” qualities in the right hands become magical powers that lead those who would commit to them, and not suppress or run from them, a pathway to positive change that is filled with growth, well-being and potential. These feminine energies include:

curiosity;
intuition;
a focus on relationships;
creative expression;
feeling;
patience;
grace;
empathy;
love and support;
peace/nonviolence;
trust;
honesty;
assertion;
nurturing and care;
courage;
tenderness; and
a strong sense of ethics and justice.

Curious, caring , and courageous mothers embody these qualities and promote them in others. And also, they…

Resist the urge to please others, to make people feel better for their poor choices, and to apologize for their ethic of care. They resist any decisions that threaten to harm the well-being of their family, school, community and environment. Though they listen to others with empathy, they make decisions not based on others’ expectations but by consulting their heart and following their inner wisdom.

Persist in their mission, vision and values of raising safe, healthy and confident kids and investing love and care in a kind, inclusive and healthy families, schools and communities. They believe in themselves and they dedicate their minds and hearts to influencing positive change with the collective in mind. They honor their feelings and reflect on the important messages they send. They know that pain and failure will not deter them from their change-maker path.

Insist on truth and a life of integrity and alignment with their deepest values. They establish boundaries to support human well-being and uphold dignity. They play the long game – knowing that humanity moves toward justice. They align with those evolutionary forces acting as a catalyst to facilitate, even speed its movement. Their family decision-making is collaborative and reflects on the consequences of choices made today and how they will play out tomorrow for themselves and for others – and also the consequences for the world and future generations with an effort to do no harm and contribute to creation and goodness.

Co-exist with haters and those who would condemn realizing that everyone has pain and deals with pain differently while accepting that integrity is not possible if there is a not an acceptance of the rights of any and all to express dissenting opinions. Though they co-exist, they never give away their sense of agency, justice, and worth or their motivation to continue the work of their mission.

So many of the mothers I admire, like the co-writers of this blog – Shannon, Nikkya, Jenny and Lorea – take what they are doing and learning with their own children and help other families and children in the process. (Our father writers do this in their own ways too but we are focused on mothers this week!)

There are many differing ways to be a mother and model the best of what motherhood can be. A biological connection is not necessary. Mothers can lead countries, congregations and nonprofits whose ripple effects expand far and wide. Motherhood can feel isolating at times. But if you are discovering new ways of supporting your child’s growth and your own and bringing that knowledge into your activism to leave the world a better place than you found it, you are part of a long lineage of women who’s stories are widely diverse but share a common thread. These mothers share a commitment to preparing the next generation to become the best of who they are and they begin and end with love.

Curious, caring, courageous mothers are highly self-reflective and utterly aware that they are constantly learning, constantly a work in progress. They know that the pathway ahead – toward making a difference – is through greater self awareness and that is work that never ends. But they are fueled by the knowledge that they are able to create a better world for their children through their work and through their everyday interactions with their children. One feeds and nourishes the other. But that kind of integration doesn’t just happen. It’s the result of an ongoing commitment over a lifetime.

Ultimately, our unconditional love for our children expands as widely and as broadly as we can envision so that we work to influence the children of the world. Of course, we are all a work in progress. But we hope you take the time to reflect on the long lineage and storied lives of curious, caring and courageous mothers — of which perhaps, you are one — and feel supported, encouraged, and cheered by this tradition of mothers helping others. We celebrate you!

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Posted on May 6, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Appreciating Teachers at the End of Another School Year

Taking a Moment to Tell a Story of Gratitude

Among the art shows, final projects, proms, and graduations, there’s a rush and an excitement with all of the final activities and culminating projects of the year. This week, we have the chance to pause for a moment, to consider what our teachers have meant to our students over the past year. We know that teachers are in the profession to make a difference in children and teen’s lives. And the work is intense and never-ending. Teachers are not only responsible for instructional learning each day and advancing students’ in their knowledge and comprehension of academic content, they are also responsible for so many other aspects of children’s lives during the school day. Whether its being responsive to neuro-diverse learners and how they need to learn and express their learning differently, or how students are dealing with in-group/out-group situations and promoting kindness and acceptance, or how to discuss difficult topics that wield strong emotions in the classrooms, hallways and on the playground, there is no shortage of issues that teachers are expected to deal with. In fact, it’s been said that teachers don’t merely teach a subject, they teach life itself. This is the truth.

Daily, we rely so heavily on our teachers to be a part of our caring village. We could not do our roles as parents without them. And in fact, for those of us who have homeschooled, we deeply understand the enormous responsibility on their shoulders. As you debate how much time you have to put into appreciating your teachers, consider your own life and how teachers have played an important role in shaping and influencing where you are today.

In this busy time, we can skip appreciation of our teachers in the busy-ness of the end of school. Our child may even have big feelings about needing to say goodbyes particularly if a teacher is beloved. Parents can inadvertently help children avoid their feelings, and instead, perform the many logistical tasks required of the moment. Buy a card. Stick a potted plant on a desk. Race to the next task. And the get-it-done style may check off the boxes on our lengthy list but it misses the significant opportunity of modeling and teaching your children how to share true gratitude for person who’s impacted their life.

Here are some ways to show gratitude to your child’s teacher and help them engage in a well-rounded ending that will bring their school year to meaningful close and demonstrate the value of the relationships forged over the past year.

Write down the impact the person has had on your life.

On a recent stay with my parents, both lifelong educators, I came across my Mother’s retirement album. Every page of the album was filled with layers of note cards and letters from students who took the time to not just say thank you, but explain why and how my Mom made a difference in their learning and their life. And now in her retirement, she returns to read those notes on particularly challenging days when she needs a reminder that she’s truly made a meaningful impact on people. As you consider the teachers, administrators, and pupil support staff who have made an impact on you, your child, and/or your family, take the time to write it down and get specific. Spend time with your child or teen coming up with the content to incorporate their thoughts and feelings. Or spend a little time in a dinner conversation considering educators’ impacts and turn those into a letter. Perhaps pass the letter around for each member who has been impacted to contribute a paragraph. Your reflections just may be carefully placed in an album to offer emotional sustenance as that person ages far beyond your time together.

Draw and create art to show your gratitude.

Art can be one of the sincerest expressions of the heart. You may have a child that naturally gravitates to the drawing board. If you do, then encourage a piece of art that reflects your child’s appreciation for their teacher. Don’t want to draw? Print off photos of your child’s work from a class and make a collage. This can become a lasting keepsake for a teacher.

Mark the occasion with a meaningful and reflective gathering.

Are you saying goodbye to a group of people – a team, a committee, a class? Though this time of year is filled with events, people make a priority of attending ending gatherings so why not host one? It need not be elaborate. It could take place at school so that it’s convenient for students, teachers, and parents alike. Make your gathering meaningful by not only serving sweet treats but also, giving each person the opportunity to reflect on each other’s contributions and offer gratitude for your experiences together. Take a page from our high schoolers who sign one another’s yearbooks with expressions of appreciation. Hang a poster for each person to sign and write appreciations or have note cards at the ready and ask people to write and then give to others at the gathering.

Create a ritual.

If it’s a graduation year for your child, you have a milestone ritual to look forward to. But if not, creating a ritual can be a way to mark the transition and offer a moment to share the story of your child’s teacher’s impact. Perhaps your ceremony involves offering a new class resource you’ve created or wisdom nuggets to pass on from your learning. Though a ritual requires some thought about what might be meaningful to participants, it can create memories that last a lifetime and seal the goodbye with that full circle feeling of satisfied completion. And it gives you and your child the opportunity to share your sincere appreciation in-person.

For a teacher, hearing your transformative stories – “at the beginning of the year, she couldn’t read and now I can’t get her to stop thanks to you!” – can be transformative for the teacher. They bring their whole hearts to the job. Teaching takes resilience, persistence, courage, and ultimately, love of children. And certainly, there are times when they don’t know or hear whether what they’ve done has had any impact on a child or family’s life. Be sure to find a way to tell your stories of gratitude and involve your child so that they hear that their time, care, and investment has truly made a difference.

#TeacherAppreciationWeek

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Posted on May 1, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Reflecting as a Family on a Year of Learning

If your family is like my own, you are in the final flurry of school days. Your flurry may involve art shows, concerts, field days and celebration picnics. If you have older students, they may be chin-deep in final projects, exams, and presentations. For our junior, it involves a final band concert, prom, grandparents’ day and more. And you might be working hard on teacher cards and gifts of appreciation along with volunteering for these final celebratory events.

But soon, our students will say goodbye to their teachers, their classmates, and their studies and dive into the freedom and glory of summer days with all the promise of joyful play that the sunshine allows. There is however a transition that takes place moving from a very structured, very focused, very goal-oriented school year to the less-structured or differently-structured routines of family life. Families often don’t get to participate in these end-of-the-school-year rituals that assist students in that transition yet we want to be a part of it. And in fact, our support of the transition can ensure that, when home together more, we get along smoothly, that we can cooperate on co-creating summer rules and routines, and we move into this next season with hope and a sense of support and teamwork.

So if you are wondering how you might support this transition at home, here’s a simple tool to introduce at the dinner table or wherever you gather to reflect on this important year of learning for your child or teen and your family that is coming to a close.

Spin the wheel of reflection on this past school year. Take a moment to answer a few questions at a time when you are together and recall the major influences – people, places and events – that shaped your learning this school year. For us as parents – the school year/work year is always a learning opportunity too. Whether you respond as a parent partner to your child’s school, a parent volunteer, or a parent support at home or as a professional, be sure you take your own turn and answer the questions for you.

Who

Who had the biggest impact on your learning? Tell a story about how they supported you.
Who did you learn the most about? How did your view of them change over the course of the year? What do you appreciate about them now?
Who did you learn about in class that impacted you? What did you learn from them?

What

What did you learn that changed you or had a major impact on your perspective?
What did you learn about how you like to learn or prefer to learn?
What new idea or fact did you learn that you are excited to continue to learn more about?
What are you grateful for from this past school year?

When

When, during the school year, did you feel the best, most empowered and inspired? What can you learn from that?
When did you feel the most anxious, insecure, nervous? What can you learn from that?
When did you feel bored or disengaged? What can you learn from that?
When did you feel excited and challenged? When did you feel frustrated and challenged? What was the difference?

Where

Where did you experience the most significant learning this year? Why do you think that was the case?
Where did you feel safest and at your best? Why?
Where did you feel unsafe or scared or uncertain? What can you learn from that?

Why

Why was this school year important to you?
Why did you choose the friends you choose this year?
Why do you love (insert what you love… your school, your classmates, your friend, your teacher, your favorite subject)?

How

How did you learn best this year (what conditions, people, supports, ways of learning)?
How did you show your kindness to others this year? How did others show kindness to you?
How did you deal with your toughest assignments, tests, or projects? Did it work?

Print out this version of the Reflection Spinning Wheel. And here are the printable questions. If you are so inspired, cut out the circle and place it on a cardboard backing. Use a pushpin in the center to anchor the circle but allow for the wheel to spin. Make an arrow on the cardboard backing to signify where the pointer will go and what question to land on. You need not tackle every question. You may take a few spins in one sitting and really savor the stories that emerge from the asking. Perfect for teachers to use too!

Classic educational philosopher John Dewey said, “we don’t learn from experience, we learn from reflecting on experience.” Allow your whole family to do some valuable reflecting together on this past school year – the significant relationships cultivated, the knowledge acquired, the shaping experiences. Promote the higher order thinking skill of meta-cognition or thinking about their thinking so that your children begin to learn more about the ways in which they learn best. These are fundamental lessons that will serve them well through their school career and follow them well beyond into their lifelong learning future!

Happy final school days!

If you use this tool, let us know how it goes!

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Posted on April 22, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Cultivating Our Family’s Relationship with our Planetary Home

Last week, my son and his classmates were coached to grab trash and run the length of the soccer field where a variety of recepticals – land fill, recycling, and compost awaited. They were directed to dispose of the trash in the correct places to maximize reuse and minimize what goes to the landfill. “I didn’t learn anything new,” my son huffed at the end of the day annoyed by the exercise. This is because he’s taken several courses in environmental science and now understands far more than I do about the state of our planet. I was glad he was outside in the fresh air getting exercise and thinking about the Earth on a regular school day. And if it got his environmental justice juices flowing, I’m all for it!

Here are just a few facts to get us thinking and feeling too:

Humans are using the equivalent of 1.6 Earths to maintain our current way of life and our ecosystem cannot keep up with our demands (Becoming Generation Restoration, UNEP).

One million of the world’s estimated 8 million species of plants and animals are threatened with extinction (IPBES).

Seventy-five percent of the Earth’s land surface has been significantly altered by human actions, including 85 percent of wetland areas (IPBES).

Close to 90% of the world’s marine fish stocks are fully exploited, overexploited or depleted (UNCTAD).

Learning about what’s happening to our planet challenges our minds and hearts as we learn difficult facts about the changes occurring. A worldwide survey found that 59% of youth and young adults said they were “very” or “extremely worried” about climate change.¹ We can feel overwhelmed by the problem and wonder if we can make any difference. But we do have agency and we can start immediately right at home. I learned through my son’s high school environmental science courses based on solid research that one family can move the needle on improving the environment. No, they cannot change the world simply by recycling. But if you and your family take steps to care for the environment, talk about what you are doing and how you prioritize it, and share that with friends, school, and community, that social influence can make a real difference. After all, we are stronger when we focus our efforts together.

Though we celebrate Earth Day once per year, we need to be concerned about our living planet every day. We have an opportunity to cultivate a generative, reciprocal relationship between our children and our planetary home. If we think about caring for our planet as a relationship then it offers us a clear direction in building that relationship with our family. Here are some ways to cultivate a relationship with our living planet with your family:

Invite Earth to Dinner!

We need to dialogue about how we are caring for our environment on a regular basis – whether we are conserving water, composting food scraps, or picking up liter at the local park. Discussing the simple small steps you are taking makes the role of our living planet come to life in a more substantial way. We can also reflect on the gifts that the environment gives us including the vegetables on our dinner plate. How does the planet contribute daily to your family’s life? These reflections stir awareness and gratitude.

2. Show Care Together.

If you are fortunate enough to have a yard or even a park nearby, involve your child in caring for it. Gardening in particular can be an important way to get your hands in the soil and experience the wonder of the Earth. Plant flowers or vegetables seeds or starters together. Tend to the seedlings. Watch them grow. Harvest and enjoy the rewards of your hard work. Gardening requires daily care, kindness, focus, and patience. These are valuable lessons for children to participate in. If you live near a park, pick up trash together. Talk about the kinds of plants, birds, squirrels and other critters you observe there. Learn from their behaviors. Reflect on how it makes you feel to be in nature and to connect with nature. Showing care together is how you begin to cultivate that life-giving, reciprocal relationship.

3. Read, Listen, and Learn

“There are many literary works that evoke a sense of wonder, of place, of the healing powers of nature, of encounter with the divine in things seen and unseen.” Check out this outstanding list of children’s books. Read and learn together! Or listen and learn. We love this podcast by 13-year-old Zachary Fox-Devol entitled “We the Children – Kids Talk Climate Change.” And finally, when you go out to spend time in nature, take a notebook or journal and document and draw what you observe. Become curious about plant types, bird species, and animal behaviors. The more you learn about the specifics of nature, the more you will feel an investment in its well-being.

4. Go to Nature for Healing

If you or your child are feeling worn out, overwhelmed, anxious or generally unwell, consider nature as one of the ways in which you’ll help yourself and/or your child feel better. Go for a hike. Sit on the grass. Find a creek to put your feet in. Leave the screens behind. Get your daily dose of nature. Teach your children that nature can become an integral and essential part of their wellness.

5. Bring the Planet into your Family Decision-making

As you make decisions like where to go on vacation or which car to buy next, make sure that our living planet is considered in each decision that you make. Use the indigenous principle of thinking forward to the consequences for seven generations ahead of us. When you do, you’ll discover that your decisions change considerably and you can feel deeply satisfied that you are taking your caring relationship with the Earth to heart.

“Mother Nature is sending us a message. Climate change isn’t just something to plan for in the future – It’s here now.”³Each one of us is responsible for our own relationship with our living planet. And as parents, we have an added responsibility in helping our children learn about their own relationship. What better time is there to get started then now?

References:

Hickman, C., Marks, E., Pihkala, P., Clayton, S., Lewandowski, R.E., & Mayall, E.E. (2021). Climate anxiety in children and young people and their beliefs about government responses to climate change: A global survey. The Lancet Planetary Health, 5, 12: E863-E873.
Trousdale, A.M., & DeMoor, E.A. (2005). Literature that helps children connect with the Earth. Encounter; Education for Meaning and Social Justice, 18, 3: 46-51.
Mann, M.E. (2023). Resisting the New Denialism. In The Climate Book by Greta Thunberg. NY: Penguin Books.

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Posted on April 10, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Living Democracy to Model and Teach Our Children and Teens

We are hustling this week to get my son’s suit pressed and ready. He’s headed to the State Capitol to propose new legislation in a mock state government experience. This year, he co-wrote a bill focused on the use of artificial intelligence in health care. Last year, his bill actually passed through the state legislature and is now on the books for Ohio schools. He is excited and motivated by this experience of leadership, coming together with students from schools around the state and thinking through the most significant and pressing issues of our time and how state government should play a role through policy. Last night at dinner, I asked, “do you feel like you understand the fundamentals of democracy?” I wondered too about my own role and responsibility as a parent and educator. “What do I need to be teaching and modeling with my family?”

Democracy is not just a professed value and coveted American ideal. It’s also a prescription set forth by the United Nations as a global core value and governmental structure that promotes “human rights, development, peace, and security.”¹ The United Nations works globally with decolonized countries to help them become “self-determined” finding their agency as a country. The word democracy simply means “rule by the people.”² But are we teaching our children enough about what a democracy is? And more importantly, are we teaching them how they can play a role in giving life to our democracy?

Schools play a key role but are too often blamed for causing our nation’s problems. There are numerous ways we can improve our civic and citizenship education in schools. But we all share responsibility. We, as families, also have an important role to play ourselves. An article in Ed Week sums up the identity crisis we are facing as a nation:

Civic knowledge is important. But the crisis we are facing is not fundamentally a knowledge problem. It is a soul problem. As John Dewey reminded us over a century ago, democracy is not merely a set of rules to be followed but rather a form of “associated living”—the embodiment of the commitment we make to build a world in relation with each other. ³

Surveys have shown that youth ages 12 to 17 are hopeful about their future but pessimistic about the state of the country and disengaged with classroom instruction that does not acknowledge a world on fire.⁴ And in fact, there’s strong unity among parents from across political views and parties with 83% of parents surveyed believing that the federal government should prioritize policies that benefit young people. Yet, 61% of parents across parties believe their voice does not matter in policy decisions.5

So what are the ways in which we can teach the fundamentals of democracy at home? And how can that help us not only feel a sense of agency but also, raise our voices in policy decision-making? First, understanding the core principles and virtues of democracy helps us live them.

The following are from The Bill of Rights Institute.

Core Principles of Democracy:

Natural Rights – Rights that belong to humans by nature and can only be justly taken away through due process (following established legal procedures and respecting fundamental rights) such as, life, liberty, and property.
Liberty – The agency to think and act without restraint except for laws of nature or interfering with someone else’s rights.
Consent – The power of government comes from the people with free and fair elections accessible by all age-eligible citizens.
Freedom – The Bill of Rights protects citizens’ rights including freedom of religion, private property, and speech.
Justice – A political system that protects the rights of all equally and treats everyone equally under the law.
Equality – All individuals have the same claim as humans to natural rights and treatment under the law.

Virtues of Democracy:

Courage – To stand firm and take constructive action as a person of character and do what is right, especially when it is unpopular or puts a person at risk.
Justice – Upholding the dignity of all and respecting what is fair and right.
Respect – Defending equal rights and the inherent dignity of all human beings.
Responsibility – Acting on fair and sound judgment to preserve the liberty and dignity of self and others even when it is unpopular or puts a person at risk. Taking care of self, family, community and fellow citizens to preserve a civil society.

These are high ideals that we strive for in our schools, communities, courts, and nation. Perhaps one of the hardest aspects of these principles is the fact that if the government is going to represent all people then all people need to participate. Here are a few ways in which we can begin to live democracy with our families to enact the principles in our own lives.

Listen with Curiosity and Preserve Dignity with Divergent Views. We have to be able to listen and learn from one another. We have to be able to open our minds and hearts to a range of views if we are to preserve the dignity of all. In a recent workshop with a local high school, a diverse range of parents listened with empathy to one another’s pain points and worries about their students without trying to fix the situation or judge either. This simple act of empathetic listening was deeply powerful and people left inspired and wanting more. We can learn to listen with empathy even when we disagree demonstrating through our receptiveness. Being receptive and empathetic does not indicate agreement – we can still believe what we believe – but merely care.

Learn to Use Nonviolent Communication. Even and especially when a family member has a high level of anxiety or fear, using nonviolent communication strategies can focus on the person’s feelings and needs and not on any specific thing they are saying. Irrational words and actions often come from a place of fear. Instead of contradicting those words, you can practice asking about and reflecting back their feelings and also, inquiring about their needs. Finding ways in which to meet emotional needs is key to everyone feeling safe. For more on nonviolent communication in family life, check out this post.

Share Power. Use “power with” strategies instead of “power over” strategies with intention, learning and practice since it is not a natural tendency for most parents. Yet power struggles never end up teaching what we want to teach. Powering over our children’s ideas and actions sends a message that we do not have faith or confidence in their ability to self-manage. When you feel yourself moving into a power struggle (forcing a situation), pause, step back, and reflect. Instead, ask: How can I choose not to wrestle with power but instead empower and create an opportunity for taking responsibility at an age appropriate level? It can be extremely challenging! But your effort will result in a child or teen who understands how to share power. And that lessen will last a lifetime. Need support? Check out Susan Stiffelman’s excellent book on the topic, Parenting Without Power Struggles; Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids while Staying Cool, Calm, and Connected.

Participate Together. Go to the voting booth together as a family. Include your children and show them what you are doing as you vote. If you prepare for voting by reading about the candidates, show your family what you read and how you become informed. Do you participate in any service or volunteering in your community? Involve your children! Their participation in meeting community members and interacting with people – especially those who need help or have far less than they do – will become an unforgettable and eye-opening experience. Do you write letters to your representatives? Going on a march? Involve family members.

Keep an Ethics Dialogue Going. You’ve likely learned by now that our children’s brain wiring doesn’t fully mature in the area of consequential thinking and responsible decision-making until their mid-twenties. That means that the particular high order thinking skill involved requires a lot of connection-making practice. You can help facilitate that practice simply by raising and discussing ethical dilemmas in your own social circle or on the national scene. We discussed one just today as we saw the cover of Time Magazine and asked the questions: if scientists are capable of reestablishing a species that has been extinct for 10,000 years, is it responsible to do so? Just because we can, does that mean we should? What ripple effect consequences might occur in nature (Jurassic Park?) as a result of introducing a new species into the wild? It seems there are daily topics in the news that are fodder for ethical questioning and consideration. Take advantage and think through your ideas and questions – knowing that there are no “right” answers – with your family.

Make Just Decisions with Courage. If you go along with social expectations and the popular view every time, what will your children learn? There will be a time when the popular view or your community’s expectations differ from what you know in your heart is fair and just. If you don’t make a courageous decision on the side of justice, how will your children ever know how and when it’s right to take a stand? Discuss what values you stand for most in your family life and be sure that your family’s decisions align with those values.

Keep Learning! Our democracy is tremendously complex at each level – local, state and federal. In addition, our history in forming and fighting for our democracy is tremendously complex. So keep on learning – and do the learning with your children. For example, did you know that the core principles of democracy came originally from the Iroquois Confederacy and their Great Law of Peace? Check out the video below to learn more.

Democracy fails when we give away our sense of agency. And it’s not to be taken for granted. It takes work and it takes everyone. There are numerous ways to participate. Perhaps the most revolutionary act is raising the next generation of responsible citizens in your own home. What if we all took that responsibility to heart and did all we can?

Resources:

Printable Founding Democratic Principles and Virtues – The Bill of Rights Institute:

– for Grade School Students

– for Middle and High School Students

Untold History: Iroquois Confederacy: The Birth of Democracy

Want to check yourself as you communicate with others and their differing views? Or want to check speeches or written documents? Check out The Dignity Index. The Dignity Index is an eight-point scale that scores speech along a continuum from contempt to dignity in as unbiased a manner as possible. By focusing on the sound bites, not the people behind them, the Index attempts to stay true to its own animating spirit: that everyone deserves dignity.

References:

United Nations. Global Issues: Democracy. Retrieved at https://www.un.org/en/global-issues/democracy on April 9, 2025.

Civic Education. The Concepts and Fundamental Principles of Democracy. Retrieved at https://www.civiced.org/pdfs/books/ElementsOfDemocracy/Elements_Subsection3.pdf on April 9, 2025.

Mirra, N. & Garcia, A. (2024). Schools are often blamed for floundering democracy. It’s not that simple. 3 urgent steps to overhaul civics education. Ed Week. Nov. 5.

Miller, C.C. (2024). Today’s Teenagers: Anxious about their Futures and Disillusioned by Politicians. The New York Times.

Lake, C., Snell, A., Gormley, C., Vinyard, I., Gillett, M., Anderson, K. S., O’Neil, E., Alles, D., Collins Coleman, E., & Robb, M. (2025). The state of kids and families in America, 2025. Common Sense Media.

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The Learning Journey for Parents of Neuro-diverse Learners

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Reflecting as a Family on a Year of Learning

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Dive Into Summer with Some Simple Boundaries to Ensure All (Including Parents!) Enjoy the Season

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Taking a Moment to Tell a Story of Gratitude

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Pre-Order Jennifer’s New Book on Raising Teens with Courage…

High Schools — Check Out Our New Offerings for Family Engagement!

Coaching Your Child Through the Back to School Jitters!

Adjusting to Kindergarten: Exhilarating, Exhausting, Emotional!

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Maurice Elias, author of Emotionally Intelligent Parenting and Psychology Professor at Rutgers University writes…

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