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Posted on August 19, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Coaching your Child through the Back to School Jitters

Everyone has butterflies when they are starting something new. Just make sure you visualize them flying in formation and you’ll be fine. –  Dad

If you are a parent, you are likely in the middle of clothing and supply shopping preparing for the first day of school. Your child may be thinking and even worrying about how they might make new friends, who they will sit with at lunch, and what their teacher will expect of them. There may be more stress around the house as you switch gears from the less scheduled, slower paced summer routines to alarm clocks ringing early, morning rushes to get out of the house on time, new clothing, new teachers, homework, and general exhaustion.

In addition to practical routine changes, you may have your own set of anxieties. For many, work demands increase as fiscal years end in August and begin in September. For fellow educators, we are busy attending or giving professional development courses during the month of August and preparing our classrooms and schools for the students to come. Maybe your child is moving from one school to another. Maybe it’s a major transition year from preschool to kindergarten, elementary to middle or middle to high school. Because the school community is as much a part of your whole family’s life as it is your child’s, parents naturally have their own trepidations about new teachers, principals, parents and friends.

How can parents best help deal with the back to school jitters?

Practice routines and do dry runs in advance. If you are walking to school, try walking a day or two ahead of time without the pressure of needing to get there. Make it fun and stop by the playground and or local ice cream store on your route home. Practice your morning routine in an afternoon before you have to go through it. Try on new clothes, brush teeth, eat breakfast and see if you can make it fun working together to get all you need accomplished. Educators will be practicing routines like getting quiet or putting away supplies in desks at school. Children then know exactly what is expected of them and can go about the routine feeling competent and safe in that knowledge. Why not do the same at home to help your day run smoothly?

Give your child an opportunity to show competence. Engage your child in household jobs or projects. Have them prepare their homework space with the supplies they need. Get them involved in preparations in way that shows they are competent, capable and responsible and that mindset will follow them to school.

Recognize and support your own anxieties. Each time I flew on an airplane this summer, the stewardess walked up to me, made direct eye contact, leaned in and clearly articulated that I must put on the oxygen mask myself before helping my son. “Okay, okay,” I thought. “I get it.” As most moms do, I tend to place my son before myself. Your own stress will impact your entire family and the climate that is felt at home. So do something about your worries. Make written lists if that helps organize your thoughts. Journal to get your feelings down on paper versus allowing those thoughts to stew inside you. Make a date with a friend to remove yourself for an hour or two from the pressures of family life. And when you are in a particularly intense moment of worry or anxiety, visualize your butterflies flying in a calm and coordinated formation.

Be aware small issues may cause big upsets. Emotions may be just below the surface ready to appear when any little issue arises. Be aware that those upsets over small things like a spilled snack are ways of releasing some of the bigger emotions that are welling up inside. Your awareness, added empathy, patience and calm will help redirect children and, indeed, all family members back to focusing on what is important.

Create extra time for quiet and rest both for your child and yourself. Days are particularly busy. Homework for some will begin to be assigned on the first day of school. Be sure and allot time for rest and quiet after school and on the weekends. You may provide an after school snack each day. Sit down with your children and just listen. They may not tell you what happened during the day if you ask a lot of questions. But if there is quiet and you simply listen, they may be more willing to offer up anecdotes from the day. Find opportunities to turn off the screens and just allow for reading or quiet play. The investment in quiet time will pay off during the busy days ahead.

Get outside and exercise. Those jitters bottled up inside don’t know where to go. Be sure and encourage children to run around outside when there is the opportunity. The fresh air and exercise will channel the release of anxieties.

Coach to shift focus. Ask your child to consider the fact that the other children and indeed often teachers too are nervous in those first days of school. If your child tries to make others feel comfortable, make simple connections, and use their empathy and compassion, they just might forget their own worries. At the very least, they will know they are not alone.

Focus on the fun. Because it’s a busy time of year, it’s easy for parents to get caught up in the hussle and bussle and forget to find ways to make back to school time fun. Take a breath and realize your children won’t ever have the opportunity to start first grade again. Make the most of it by appreciating your time together. Find family moments to have fun at dinner or during the usual routines. Turn on some music or buy a special treat for all to enjoy. Savor!

May your back to school experience be joyful for the whole family and may your butterflies fly in formation.

Favorite Back to School Picture Book (for preschool through grade 3):

Penn, Audrey. (2007). The Kissing Hand. Tanglewood Press.

A raccoon Mom and son prepare for him to go to school. She gives him a kiss on his palm. When she’s not with him, he can place the open palm on his cheek and feel her kiss with him.

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Posted on August 14, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Invite to SEL Educators! Fall Call for Articles

Confident Parents, Confident Kids “merits the attention of anyone working in social, emotional and character development who wants a place to send parents for ideas and advice and dialogue.”

– Maurice Elias, Professor of Psychology; Director, Rutgers Social-Emotional and Character Development Lab; Co-Director, Rutgers Collaborative Center for Community-Based Research and Service

Not enough time to contribute to an academic journal but want to write?

Eager to reflect on how what you are learning professionally about advancing children’s social and emotional learning can help your own children?

We hope you’ll consider writing an article for Confident Parents, Confident Kids! We’ve had so many rich, interesting perspectives come from a range of experts who are also parents in the field. So join us!

The site enjoys daily visitors from 152 countries around the world and a follow-ship of more than 24,000. Help initiate important dialogue making the connection between parenting at each age and stage and your children’s (and your own!) social and emotional development. 

If interested, please email confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com with the subject line: “Article Idea from an SEL Educator!” Please include your idea (parenting opportunity/challenge), how it connects to a social and emotional skill building opportunity (in your child and yourself!), and the ages/stages of children you are writing about. Also, please include a short bio or resume. All authors must have credentials/experience in education with SEL and be actively parenting in your own home. A diverse range of perspectives is encouraged. Articles must align with the research base.

You can learn more here: https://confidentparentsconfidentkids.org/invitation-for-sel-educators/. All proposed ideas are due by September 5, 2025. We’ll review and get back to you on whether you’ll be published this Fall by September 12, 2025.

We hope you’ll join our parent-led community of practice by contributing! We are so excited to learn from how you are bringing to life the science of social and emotional learning and development to benefit your children in your own personal parenting!

All the best,
Jennifer Miller, M.Ed., Founder and…

Senior Lead Writers: Shannon Wanless, Jason Miller, Jenny Woo, Mike Wilson, Nikkya Hargrove, and Lorea Martinez

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Posted on August 7, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Summer Scraps and Injuries; How to Manage Them as a Parent with Emotional Intelligence

“Are you okay?” I asked as E made a beeline from the outdoors in straight to the upstairs bathroom and shut the door. “No,” he uttered angrily coming out and showing me bloody elbows and knees and scraps up and down the side of his body. It was his first day out of school. And I truly cannot recall one first day out of school when the weather was beautiful and he was free to run outside that he didn’t wind up with at least one scraped knee. Yes, tis the season for “boo-boos”. And for some children, they’ll deal with more serious injuries this summer like concussions, sprains, or fractures.

So how do you manage your own big feelings when your child is in pain? These circumstances test our emotional intelligence because of the mounting emotions we’ll have to confront. After all, we are reacting to our child’s upset which may be expressed in inconsolable crying, yelling, and anger (that could be directed at us), or running away and hiding. We have to cope with our empathy as they endure pain which can be no small feat as we desire their suffering to go away as quickly as possible. We may get squeamish at the sight of blood or have a sense of disgust or revulsion as we view their injury. We may also fear greater internal injuries that we cannot detect on our own so that we have to deal with anxiety and feelings of incompetence when we don’t know what to do.

This seemed an important day for me to consider how we can respond in ways that support our children, acknowledge their big feelings, and deal with our own in constructive ways. Here are a few well-considered tips.

Prepare.

Before your child comes to you with her first scraped knee, make it a start of summer ritual to stock up on first aid supplies. I carry band-aids in my purse everywhere I go. And I’ve helped out other parents in the grocery store, in the park. When a child needs a band-aid, they really need one. Don’t mess with feeling helpless and unprepared. My favorite supplies to keep on hand are: band-aids of all sizes, foaming anti-bacterial solution (it goes on fast and easy), cut strips of clean, soft t-shirts (thank you for this, Mema) to use to clean wounds or as flexible wraps, surgical tape so that it doesn’t hurt badly when you remove it (drug stores have this), ice packs, and popsicles. It’s nice to have a ritual that if you get injured, a cold popsicle always helps a child feel better. 

Why does this all help with your emotional intelligence, you ask? Because you have no control over when and where injuries take place, this will help you feel more competent and ready so that you can take action and not feel helpless.

Clear your schedule.

Injuries, even if just a scraped knee, take your time and attention. A work conference call, a haircut appointment, or a lunch date cannot compare – in the big scheme of things – to taking care of your hurting child when they need you. Time pressures wear away at our patience and add a layer of anxiety to an already charged moment. So remove the time commitment so that you can focus your attention on your child.

Remember to breathe.

There’s typically a time when a parent is sitting and waiting. Whether a child is crying hysterically or shut inside her room or turned away and refusing treatment, there’s waiting time involved with children’s hurts. Use those times to deep breathe. This will prepare your mind and body to respond in the way you most want to respond — with empathy and compassion.

Acknowledge and accept feelings.

It can be tempting – particularly in a sports’ setting – to utter words like, “you’re fine,” “power through,” or “stay in the game,” – when you are not sure the degree to which your child is genuinely hurt though you see him crying or wincing in pain. After all, it’s likely this is how you were coached or parented as a kid so it can become a reflexive response. In addition, you may have a hidden (or not-so-hidden) fear that acknowledging a child’s feelings might encourage the child to seek sympathy or over-emphasize their hurts. In fact, that is a fallacy. The opposite is true. When we ignore or downplay our children’s feelings, they come back stronger in order to get your attention. Their upset wasn’t good enough the first time so in order to prove it to you, they have to up the emotional ante. 

Use your own inner coach in these situations. Breathe first and think “what’s my best response?” Then, acknowledge and accept what they are expressing or what you are observing they are feeling. “It looks like you are really hurt. I’m here to help.” This simple comforting statement will offer your child acceptance. You understand. And you are there for them.

Manage your own reactions. 

If you are indeed feeling disgusted or appalled or terrified by a child’s injury, there’s no way to bury those big feelings nor should you be expected to. But become aware of your big feelings and do something about them. Put your hand on your heart and attempt to slow it down. Stepping aside and taking a few deep breaths or intentionally relaxing your tense body before addressing a crying child can help you respond in a more effective, calming manner which, in turn, will better support your child through the pain.

Wait for consent to treat.

Your child may just refuse to have a wound cleaned for fear it will cause additional pain, as mine did. After you’ve let your child know that it’s necessary to clean it first or it can get infected, you may need to give him time. No need to nag, insist, or force the issue. Being compassionately clear that you cannot move on until you treat the wound is enough. Eventually, your child will consent. Bravery takes time. Be sure and allow your child the time he needs to agree to treat his wound. Of course, in an emergency, you would indeed rush to treat and not offer a choice. But with everyday cuts and scrapes, it gives a child a chance to practice self-management skills, caring for and giving permission with their own body, and handling their emotions with courage if we allow for it.

When in doubt, check it out.

Perhaps you’ve treated the scraps but you see bruising emerging which could indicate an internal injury. When in doubt, check it out. Call your pediatrician triage line and talk with the nurse on call. If you don’t, you risk greater problems down the line so why not take care of it on the day of the injury? If you have questions you might want to research first, check out the site, Kids Health: https://kidshealth.org.

Distract! And offer comfort.

Throw a bag together before leaving for the doctor with some favorite books or card games. Joke books, Seek and Finds, “Would You Rather,” and other puzzle books can be helpful. For young children, pack favorite comfort items like a beloved stuffed friend, blanket and book. And yes, for school age and up, this is the ideal time to use handheld media to help your child through a tough time. Waiting while a child is in pain can be challenging so have some distractions on hand to help get through those time periods.

Children learn to self-soothe by first, watching how we help them feel better. So after the wounds have been cleaned and bandaids carefully placed, how can you offer a quiet, soothing activity in which they can return to feeling better? Can they snuggle up with a bear, pillow, or blanket? Can you read a comforting storybook together? This will help both you and your child transition back to feeling better.

Tell the story.

Reflect together with loved ones on the surrounding events and recount how the injury happened including the feelings’ journey you’re child took. “I felt so hurt, then scared, then relieved.” This offers your child invaluable practice with discussing the difficult pains in life to help learn the lessons involved, process the feelings experienced, and also solidify the memory that he endured pain and survived.

Fortunately, my son was back up and running outside the very next day and though he had moments of pain, he was healing quickly. Summer injuries can test our patience and ability to show compassion at a time when our child most needs it. But with a little forethought, you’ll get through feeling competent, modeling ways to react to the pain that maximize your ability to support your child and help all feel better.

* This article was authentically researched by the author as she endured a basketball bouncing full force into her nose mere days before publication experiencing her own injury and offering greater empathy for her son — challenging her once again to react with emotional intelligence. Ouch! 

Originally published June, 2020.

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Posted on July 29, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Introducing the Harmony at Home App – Looking for First Testers!

For Parents of Children Ages 4-7

Last November, I travelled to San Diego to meet with technology experts and designers, children’s entertainment experts, animators, child educators, and more to envision a unique application for co-use between parents and children, ages 4-7. Convened by National University and Harmony Academy, we came together to ask the big question:

How could we design an app that would foster deeper family connections, help parents build essential skills in their kids, and promote healthy habits? 

Leonard Bernstein said, “To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.” We created a plan with not quite enough time. And through a highly collaborative process, we are putting out an app we hope will make a difference in the lives of families. I’ve been honored to serve as the child development expert and lead content developer. 

Now we need testers! 

  • Are you a parent of a child ages 4-7? 
  • Be the first to try this innovative app free! 
  • Get early access to playful, research-backed tools for your family.
  • Help shape a product that support families like yours.
  • Enjoy simple meaningful ways to connect with your kids.

If you are interested in being an early tester, fill out this quick form and register here. (Available on iOS and Android).

What’s In the App?

Join Harmony’s main characters including Z (from outer space!) and the Clubhouse Friends for adventures and skill building. Features of the app include:

Daily Practices – Build collaborative routines with short, guided moments for calm and connection.

Family Goal-setting – Set and celebrate shared goals with simple prompts.

Skill Builders – Grow alongside your kids with science-backed tips and videos on topics such as, setting healthy boundaries, promoting resilience, and learning about how to influence children’s motivation and positive behaviors.

Do Togethers – Enjoy hands-on, real world activities with your child.

Conversation Starters – Spark real, meaningful talks anytime.

Animated Storybooks – Watch and explore big ideas through kid-friendly stories.

In-App Journal & Daily Notes – Create drawings and write down insights and memories to keep and share! 

This app is one-of-a-kind because a.) it’s all science-based; b.) it’s designed for interaction between the parent and child; and c.) it’s designed to empower parents with activities so that you can put the phone down and do them together!

Want a sneak peek? Watch this short demo video.

If you are interested in being an early tester, fill out this quick form and register here. (Available on iOS and Android).

Big thank yous to our sponsor National University and Harmony Academy and the development teams including SEL Consulting Collaborative, CreatorUp, and FYC Labs.

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Posted on July 24, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Teaching Kids about their Inner Dragons; From Shaming Actions to Becoming Curious

By Anna Purpero

Just this afternoon, during an intense spaceship-building session, my sons readied their cardboard shields to defend against any Squishmallow villains brave enough to enter. It was one of those moments that made me pause my laundry-folding to enjoy their imaginative play— until it wasn’t. A disagreement escalated into Brother one launching said cardboard shield directly into Brother two’s forehead. Devastated to see how his impulse had hurt his best friend, Brother one looked at me wide-eyed: “My Dragon! My Dragon part!” When I rushed to console the injured one, the guilty brother ran upstairs. 

To some, the tension in the story may be that a culpable child is quick to shift blame to an imaginary Dragon instead of taking responsibility. But because of the self-awareness work we’ve done as a family, I saw something different: a child recognizing the part of him that lashes out when he feels unheard. Though it wasn’t enough to stop the harm, naming the anger behind the impulse is the first step toward accountability.  

Understanding Internal Family Systems

In 2022, I began working with a Certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist (visit the IFS Institute to learn more about this non-pathologizing model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz), and in our sessions, I began discovering “parts” of my mind, each with its own patterns, protective instincts, and deeply held beliefs. Some parts react impulsively to perceived threats, while others work behind the scenes to manage stress or avoid discomfort. 

For example, in reaction to the chaos of sibling rivalry, a part of me often defaults to angry lectures instead of responding with calm boundaries and guidance. Through IFS, I learned that that particular part has been trying to protect me from the overwhelm of chaos since childhood.  Approaching these reactive parts with curiosity and compassion creates space for healing and showing up differently for children.

At the core of IFS is the idea that listening to these inner protectors will slowly reveal who we are when they’re able to relax. What’s beneath is a truer, deeper Self that is not damaged or devious, but inherently good and divinely connected. It is calm, creative, and courageous, and even kids can begin learning to access it.

Meeting Our “Friends Inside”

As I learned to recognize and befriend my own parts, I began seeing everyone else through that lens, including kids, so I researched how IFS practitioners were working with children in therapy and school settings. When I introduced more lighthearted IFS language to my own kids, it was fascinating how quickly they could identify and describe their own developing parts, like the one desperate to be our family’s Uno Champion — pleasure to meet you, Mr. Rhino! 

Co-creating their “friends inside” became a lighthearted, connective way to explore emotions and navigate conflict. It even led me to write My Friends Inside, a picture book introducing a lively crew of inner protectors who sometimes get the protagonist into trouble. This lighthearted framework reminds children that every part of them deserves curiosity and compassion, and in the protagonist’s responses, he models the messages those friends inside may need to hear. 

Modeling Self-Awareness for Our Kids

Self-awareness is foundational for building emotional regulation, decision-making, and healthy relationships. Children develop these skills partly by watching the adults around them. When parents model their own work cultivating self-awareness in their emotional patterns, they normalize what it looks like to be fully human and take the shame out of overwhelming emotions.

For example, in those charged-up hours after school, I often feel my own frustration rising. Instead of snapping, I might say, 

“Whoa, I feel kind of hot, and my Volcano part really wants to yell. I wonder what’s going on? Maybe this is too much noise for me, so I’m going to go upstairs for two minutes and take some breaths. Be right back.” 

It usually gets their attention, but I know they prefer that to the lava explosion. This models self-awareness and normalizes the idea that emotions start in the body. Kids won’t always be able to control their impulses, but they can begin to recognize how emotions arise and approach their choices with curiosity. Over time, they build the ability to respond from a more regulated place.

Even though we won’t always get it right, every moment of self-awareness, every pause before reacting, and every time we replace shame with curiosity, we help a child build a foundation for lifelong emotional resilience.

Guiding Kids Toward Self-Reflection and Repair

Once my injured son settled down, I gave him an art project and headed upstairs to visit brother 1. He was playing with stuffed animals, evidence that he may have cooled down and be open to a conversation. 

IFS has given our family a framework to reflect on our choices with curiosity and compassion. Our creative and lighthearted response to the concepts of IFS, our Friends Inside, allows us to explore together what went wrong, and with the courage within, how to make it right. When guiding kids through self-reflection and repair, I might: 

  • Ask non-judgmental questions: What happened downstairs? What do you think Dragon was trying to say? What set him off?
  • Share a personal story about when my own Volcano Inside lost control and how I made things right afterward.  
  • Offer or brainstorm strategies to pause and notice their inner friend before reacting.  
  • Help them brainstorm a message for that inner friend—one that comes from their best and wisest Self.  
  • After offering empathy, set a clear boundary: If this happens again, or if it seems this is about to happen, here’s what I will do.
  • Above all, listen. When kids can share freely without our lectures or shut-downs, they often know exactly what happened and what to do next.  

The Power of Our Own Inner Work

Children deserve the best we have to give, but a lot gets in the way of us showing up as the sturdy and empathetic leader they need. Even though we won’t always get it right, every moment of self-awareness, every pause before reacting, and every time we replace shame with curiosity, we help a child build a foundation for lifelong emotional resilience.

May we have the courage to do our part. 

Check out Anna’s new picture book:

My Friends Inside

Resources

“Evolution of The Internal Family Systems Model” by Dr. Richard Schwartz, Ph. D. IFS Institute.

No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard C. Schwartz, Ph. D

Internal Family Systems Therapy with Children by Lisa Spiegel, MA, LMHC

Self-Led: Living a Connected Life with Yourself and With Others by Seth Kopald, PhD

Anna Purpero is an educator and children’s book author located in Columbus, OH with her partner, Jordan, and two sons (ages 4 and 6). She draws inspiration from her former high school Language Arts students and the teens from Paper City Mentoring Project, a nonprofit she cofounded and served as Executive Director. She is pursuing a certification in Social Emotional Learning from Fresno Pacific University and hopes to use experiential learning to help children develop self-awareness and emotional resilience. Her debut picture book, My Friends Inside, is available now! 

Social media, purchasing links, and free printables here:

http://linktr.ee/annapurpero

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Posted on July 17, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

No More Blame Game – How to Take and Teach Responsibility When You Disagree

“You said I could go out with friends. It’s your fault I didn’t have time to do my homework,” says Ava, your fifteen-year-old, with heat and sincerity after she received a zero on her homework assignment. Next, your partner chimes in, “yes, you did let her go out with her friends,” with a tone of scold in his voice. All of a sudden, you feel the pointer fingers from both directions. “It’s not my homework!” you think and your heat begins to rise with the injustice of it all. You’ve been caught in the blame game. But you don’t want to play. How do you get out of that discussion preserving your own dignity and honoring the truth of the situation without pointing fingers right back at your daughter and spouse? How do you open the door to each member taking responsibility for their role in the problem? And how do you remove the blame game from family conflicts to argue in fair ways?

“You always… you never… it’s because of you that…” are all kindling that add to the fire of upset. Though it’s easy to look outside of ourselves for a reason things are going wrong — for failing, or for messing things up — looking to others prevents us from looking within. Yet, it’s our first instinct to place blame outside of ourselves beginning in early childhood. At ages five and six, children are learning the rules of school and social behavior. That is a time when they begin to tattle on others who break the rules. Developmentally, this is how a five or six-year-old learns about what is right and wrong, by pointing out and enforcing rules in others first. They then begin to internalize those rules for themselves and can call upon that inner compass to direct them as they grow and face challenges. But we are capable of learning to take responsibility and inviting others to do the same without pointing fingers and placing blame. Our children are capable too. But it will require our modeling and intentional practice. And family life – rife with conflict – is the perfect place for them to learn it.

Learning healthy, constructive, assertive (non-aggressive) ways to talk about problems when there is a conflict is key. Marshall Rosenberg, author of multiple books on nonviolent communication, clinical psychologist and one of the world’s top thought leaders on nonviolent communication, suggests that we begin with observing others. He offers a four step process (I added a fifth) for communicating with empathy in a conflict so as not to do harm. Parents can model these steps and offer practice with their children. Below are the Miller/Rosenberg’s five steps with some of my family life and developmental adaptations. 

Consider your own defensive stance in a conflict. Read through these steps and feel the sensation of how you might experience each of these if you were approached on a controversial subject in this way. Does your heart stay open? Does your mind stay open? If so, this is how we keep our loved ones engaged in working together through the problem. Accuse, blame, criticize – and all systems – heart, mind, will – shut down. When facing a conflict with family members including children or teens…

  1. Pause

If you are in a conflict with a child or family member, you are likely upset, frustrated, or angry. You are likely feeling some heated emotion in which if you respond quickly, you’re more likely to blame, judge, or criticize. So stop. Put your hand on your heart. Breathe. Wait until you can feel your heart rate come down a little bit. When feeling ready to proceed with a grounded tone…

2. Observe and Share.

Though Rosenberg suggests observing first, as parents, we need to stop and take a pause in order to become intentional and not reactive. Then consider:

What do I observe – see, feel, experience – that is not contributing to my well-being or my child’s well-being?

If you are communicating with or to a child, you might say, 

“I observe that the choice to be out with friends did not allow you enough time to do homework and that is not contributing to your well-being.”

2. Articulate Feelings.

Next, share what you are observing of their heart in that moment. This creates an empathetic stance in which you are working to understand, accept, and normalize their feelings with the knowledge that all feelings are acceptable (it’s how we act on them that we may or may not be acceptable).

“You seem to be feeling frustrated and maybe unfairly judged by your teacher and unfairly guided by me. Is that right?”

This statement does not say you unfairly guided your daughter but only that she may feel unfairly guided her. It’s a subtle but important difference in your mindset as you approach her. Your only goal here is articulating feelings. Then, be sure to share your own and if your partner is involved, give him the space to share his too.

“I felt frustrated too that I tried to allow you the time you wanted with friends but had no idea how much work you had to accomplish.”

3. Articulate Needs.

After articulating feelings, highlight the needs that the feelings are calling to the fore. She’s frustrated because her needs aren’t getting met. Finding out what those needs or values are is key. And well-articulating them helps her put into words what she may not be fully aware of but feels deeply. So you might say,

“You feel frustrated because your time with friends is super important to you and not something you want to skip because you have a lot of homework.”

When articulating her needs, it’s not time to judge those needs. Needs are needs. You cannot change what she feels because of those unmet needs. So it might be easy to slip here and say something like, “but you know homework is the most important thing.” Don’t do it. We are keeping her open mind and heart in this conversation. Next, you’ll pivot toward her learning about responsible decision-making.

Your needs count in this scenario too — and your partner’s. So you might say,

“My need is to help you prioritize your time and get your needs met which includes valuable friend time and enough time to get homework accomplished.”

4. Make Requests and Consider Options.

Now it’s time to directly communicate your request, or the concrete actions you would like taken. In this example, she has already done some damage. So it’s time to repair harm. You might say,

“What can you do now to make this better with your teacher?” 

Spend a little time together problem-solving through how she might approach her teacher (email, in person?) and what she could ask for in order to make up the work she missed. Her teacher may say she has to live with the zero and that’s a tough but real consequence. It’s important to take the time to address the blaming that went on as well.

“Next time, how can we each take responsibility for our own feelings, needs and role in the situation without pointing fingers?”

And finally, be sure that you reflect on the bigger lesson of the situation — how your daughter prioritizes her time and makes responsible decisions.

“Your schooling is top priority. But we also know that time with friends is essential to your well-being. How could we have looked at both of those needs and found times for both over the course of the week instead of competing for the same afternoon?”

After reading this five-step process, you might reflect that this sounds like a lot of work. And in truth, communicating in assertive, nonviolent ways that preserve the dignity of each participant in a conflict does take work. But, like any habit, it gets easier with practice. And the reward is truly great. This is how you teach your child or teen to communicate in ways that do no harm and make responsible decisions. This is how you model communication that will help your child navigate conflict in any circumstance they find themselves in. 

Our habits in responding to conflict are first learned and rehearsed at home. So practicing these communication steps is an essential step in preparing your child for their relationships at school, in the community and will serve their well-being in their future lives. 

To learn more, check out:

Living Nonviolent Communication; Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD., 2012, Boulder, CO: Sounds True.

Originally published on CPCK on 2/6/25.

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Posted on July 3, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

What It Means to Live Democracy in Our Family Life

We are hustling this week to get my son’s suit pressed and ready. He’s headed to the State Capitol to propose new legislation in a mock state government experience. This year, he co-wrote a bill focused on the use of artificial intelligence in health care. Last year, his bill actually passed through the state legislature and is now on the books for Ohio schools. He is excited and motivated by this experience of leadership, coming together with students from schools around the state and thinking through the most significant and pressing issues of our time and how state government should play a role through policy. Last night at dinner, I asked, “do you feel like you understand the fundamentals of democracy?” I wondered too about my own role and responsibility as a parent and educator. “What do I need to be teaching and modeling with my family?”

Democracy is not just a professed value and coveted American ideal. It’s also a prescription set forth by the United Nations as a global core value and governmental structure that promotes “human rights, development, peace, and security.”1 The United Nations works globally with decolonized countries to help them become “self-determined” finding their agency as a country. The word democracy simply means “rule by the people.”2 But are we teaching our children enough about what a democracy is? And more importantly, are we teaching them how they can play a role in giving life to our democracy?

Schools play a key role but are too often blamed for causing our nation’s problems. There are numerous ways we can improve our civic and citizenship education in schools. But we all share responsibility. We, as families, also have an important role to play ourselves. An article in Ed Week sums up the identity crisis we are facing as a nation:

Civic knowledge is important. But the crisis we are facing is not fundamentally a knowledge problem. It is a soul problem. As John Dewey reminded us over a century ago, democracy is not merely a set of rules to be followed but rather a form of “associated living”—the embodiment of the commitment we make to build a world in relation with each other. 3

Surveys have shown that youth ages 12 to 17 are hopeful about their future but pessimistic about the state of the country and disengaged with classroom instruction that does not acknowledge a world on fire.4 And in fact, there’s strong unity among parents from across political views and parties with 83% of parents surveyed believing that the federal government should prioritize policies that benefit young people. Yet, 61% of parents across parties believe their voice does not matter in policy decisions.5

So what are the ways in which we can teach the fundamentals of democracy at home? And how can that help us not only feel a sense of agency but also, raise our voices in policy decision-making? First, understanding the core principles and virtues of democracy helps us live them.

The following are from The Bill of Rights Institute.

Core Principles of Democracy:

  • Natural Rights – Rights that belong to humans by nature and can only be justly taken away through due process (following established legal procedures and respecting fundamental rights) such as, life, liberty, and property.
  • Liberty – The agency to think and act without restraint except for laws of nature or interfering with someone else’s rights.
  • Consent – The power of government comes from the people with free and fair elections accessible by all age-eligible citizens.
  • Freedom – The Bill of Rights protects citizens’ rights including freedom of religion, private property, and speech.
  • Justice – A political system that protects the rights of all equally and treats everyone equally under the law.
  • Equality – All individuals have the same claim as humans to natural rights and treatment under the law.

Virtues of Democracy:

  • Courage – To stand firm and take constructive action as a person of character and do what is right, especially when it is unpopular or puts a person at risk. 
  • Justice – Upholding the dignity of all and respecting what is fair and right. 
  • Respect – Defending equal rights and the inherent dignity of all human beings.
  • Responsibility – Acting on fair and sound judgment to preserve the liberty and dignity of self and others even when it is unpopular or puts a person at risk. Taking care of self, family, community and fellow citizens to preserve a civil society.

These are high ideals that we strive for in our schools, communities, courts, and nation.  Perhaps one of the hardest aspects of these principles is the fact that if the government is going to represent all people then all people need to participate. Here are a few ways in which we can begin to live democracy with our families to enact the principles in our own lives.

Listen with Curiosity and Preserve Dignity with Divergent Views. We have to be able to listen and learn from one another. We have to be able to open our minds and hearts to a range of views if we are to preserve the dignity of all. In a recent workshop with a local high school, a diverse range of parents listened with empathy to one another’s pain points and worries about their students without trying to fix the situation or judge either. This simple act of empathetic listening was deeply powerful and people left inspired and wanting more. We can learn to listen with empathy even when we disagree demonstrating through our receptiveness. Being receptive and empathetic does not indicate agreement – we can still believe what we believe – but merely care. 

Learn to Use Nonviolent Communication. Even and especially when a family member has a high level of anxiety or fear, using nonviolent communication strategies can focus on the person’s feelings and needs and not on any specific thing they are saying. Irrational words and actions often come from a place of fear. Instead of contradicting those words, you can practice asking about and reflecting back their feelings and also, inquiring about their needs. Finding ways in which to meet emotional needs is key to everyone feeling safe. For more on nonviolent communication in family life, check out this post.

Share Power. Use “power with” strategies instead of “power over” strategies with intention, learning and practice since it is not a natural tendency for most parents. Yet power struggles never end up teaching what we want to teach. Powering over our children’s ideas and actions sends a message that we do not have faith or confidence in their ability to self-manage. When you feel yourself moving into a power struggle (forcing a situation), pause, step back, and reflect. Instead, ask: How can I choose not to wrestle with power but instead empower and create an opportunity for taking responsibility at an age appropriate level? It can be extremely challenging! But your effort will result in a child or teen who understands how to share power. And that lessen will last a lifetime. Need support? Check out Susan Stiffelman’s excellent book on the topic, Parenting Without Power Struggles; Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids while Staying Cool, Calm, and Connected.

Participate Together. Go to the voting booth together as a family. Include your children and show them what you are doing as you vote. If you prepare for voting by reading about the candidates, show your family what you read and how you become informed. Do you participate in any service or volunteering in your community? Involve your children! Their participation in meeting community members and interacting with people – especially those who need help or have far less than they do – will become an unforgettable and eye-opening experience. Do you write letters to your representatives? Going on a march? Involve family members.

Keep an Ethics Dialogue Going. You’ve likely learned by now that our children’s brain wiring doesn’t fully mature in the area of consequential thinking and responsible decision-making until their mid-twenties. That means that the particular high order thinking skill involved requires a lot of connection-making practice. You can help facilitate that practice simply by raising and discussing ethical dilemmas in your own social circle or on the national scene. We discussed one just today as we saw the cover of Time Magazine and asked the questions: if scientists are capable of reestablishing a species that has been extinct for 10,000 years, is it responsible to do so? Just because we can, does that mean we should? What ripple effect consequences might occur in nature (Jurassic Park?) as a result of introducing a new species into the wild? It seems there are daily topics in the news that are fodder for ethical questioning and consideration. Take advantage and think through your ideas and questions – knowing that there are no “right” answers – with your family.

Make Just Decisions with Courage. If you go along with social expectations and the popular view every time, what will your children learn? There will be a time when the popular view or your community’s expectations differ from what you know in your heart is fair and just. If you don’t make a courageous decision on the side of justice, how will your children ever know how and when it’s right to take a stand? Discuss what values you stand for most in your family life and be sure that your family’s decisions align with those values.

Keep Learning! Our democracy is tremendously complex at each level – local, state and federal. In addition, our history in forming and fighting for our democracy is tremendously complex. So keep on learning – and do the learning with your children. For example, did you know that the core principles of democracy came originally from the Iroquois Confederacy and their Great Law of Peace? Check out the video below to learn more.

Democracy fails when we give away our sense of agency. And it’s not to be taken for granted. It takes work and it takes everyone. There are numerous ways to participate. Perhaps the most revolutionary act is raising the next generation of responsible citizens in your own home. What if we all took that responsibility to heart and did all we can? 

Resources:

Printable Founding Democratic Principles and Virtues – The Bill of Rights Institute:

– for Grade School Students

– for Middle and High School Students

Untold History: Iroquois Confederacy: The Birth of Democracy

Want to check yourself as you communicate with others and their differing views? Or want to check speeches or written documents? Check out The Dignity Index. The Dignity Index is an eight-point scale that scores speech along a continuum from contempt to dignity in as unbiased a manner as possible. By focusing on the sound bites, not the people behind them, the Index attempts to stay true to its own animating spirit: that everyone deserves dignity.

References:

United Nations. Global Issues: Democracy. Retrieved at https://www.un.org/en/global-issues/democracy on April 9, 2025.

Civic Education. The Concepts and Fundamental Principles of Democracy. Retrieved at https://www.civiced.org/pdfs/books/ElementsOfDemocracy/Elements_Subsection3.pdf on April 9, 2025.

Mirra, N. & Garcia, A. (2024). Schools are often blamed for floundering democracy. It’s not that simple. 3 urgent steps to overhaul civics education. Ed Week. Nov. 5.

Miller, C.C. (2024). Today’s Teenagers: Anxious about their Futures and Disillusioned by Politicians. The New York Times.

Lake, C., Snell, A., Gormley, C., Vinyard, I., Gillett, M., Anderson, K. S., O’Neil, E., Alles, D., Collins Coleman, E., & Robb, M. (2025). The state of kids and families in America, 2025. Common Sense Media.

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Posted on June 26, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

A Nurturing Balm for the Caregiver’s Soul: Summer Stillness

The raucous sound of waves pounding and tiles breaking and hitting the floor echo through every corner of my little household as we remodel our only full bathroom that (can you believe I’m admitting this?) we haven’t renovated in the twenty years since we’ve lived in our home. I find myself running from library to home and back again trying to get my work done and attend to my teenager’s needs, mostly for a car to drive and accountability on the basics (like “did you eat breakfast?”). At home, the electric guitar screams and reverberates from the basement as my son attempts to learn every song from the 1980s to today. At the library, as I write, people are hovering around my library study room ready to pounce on the space. Summer chaos has arrived. And I know you have it too – just your very own brand.

Young children require constant tending as we organize playdates, tend to scraped knees, and clean out the dirt, sand, and other messes that constitute a “good” summer. For elementary-aged children, we insist that we are not their entertainment committee but yet, need to get them involved in organized activities, see friends, and get outside versus getting consumed by screens. So we schlep them to camps, to friends’ houses, to tutoring, to music lessons all in an effort to provide enrichment away from screens. If you have teens in your household, there may be power struggles over bedtimes, screen times, meal times, and more as they push for independence without responsibility and you push for more responsibility. And the intensity heightens without the consistent routines and structures of school. About this time each summer, we begin to get weary of the intense heat and the bugs. So too we, as caregivers, are getting weary with the lack of structure and the many roles we feel responsible for playing in the summertime.

But there is a remedy. No, it does not involve imagining you are back on vacation. Instead you can find it in the small moments between the running here and there if you so choose to find it. Summer stillness shimmers like rays of light peaking through the clouds…there, ever-present but not loud or waving in your face. Buried in screens or in household responsibilities, you will miss it. But if you become intentional about seizing summer stillness in those glistening moments where it’s possible, you will find the healing and renewal you are looking for. Not all at once, but cumulatively, over time, those moments build a foundation within you of resilience.

Summer stillness is…

  • sitting outside and listening to all of the sounds of your surroundings – birdsong, breeze, traffic, children’s laughter, construction crews. Just listen. Be still. Appreciate the life you hear. If the “to do” list begins in your head, gently encourage it to float off.
  • pausing at your desk amidst work. Closing your computer. Backing up in your chair and closing your eyes. Breathing in for a number of breaths. Being still.
  • stopping in the kitchen. Placing your hands on the refrigerator or the countertops – someplace cool. Close your eyes and breathe.
  • with the family before eating dinner. Pause together. Close your eyes. You can ask your family to visualize their most peaceful place. Breathe for three breathes. Yes, kids can do it!
  • (with a little more time) go to water. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expansive. Just go to water. We have a pond in our neighborhood that I frequent. Stare at the water. Let it soothe you.
  • (with a little more time) head to nature. Again, it doesn’t have to be immersive. Find a park nearby. Sit on a bench or at a picnic table. Shed your shoes and feel your toes in the grass. Notice the life – humans but also, squirrels, birds, chipmunks, deer – quietly busy living an existence you typically don’t notice. Take time to notice. And breathe the fresh air while you do.

These may seem simple to a fault. But in our busy lives, strategies need to be. The trick is setting the intention: “I will practice stillness for my well-being.” and then sticking to it through reminders (phone or device?) or a consistent routine (right after morning coffee? right after camp drop off?). Don’t let the summer pull you under the water until you are drowning. Make sure that you are finding those shimmering moments to float. As caregivers, our family needs us to be well. Yet, their needs can consume us. And it’s not okay for us to let them consume us. That’s why we need to be proactive about renewal.

May you find plenty of shimmering moments of summer stillness ahead in each day. And may they add up to a fullness of spirit. May that spirit enter into your caregiving to infuse life with creativity and laughter and presence.

Happy summer!

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Posted on June 19, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Commemorating, Celebrating, and Learning from Juneteenth

“The historical legacy of Juneteenth shows the value of never giving up hope in uncertain times.” – National Museum of African American History and Culture

Juneteenth commemorates and celebrates the ending of slavery in the United States. It originated in Galveston, Texas on June 19,1865 with the following announcement:

“The people of Texas are informed that in accordance with a Proclamation from the Executive of the United States, all slaves are free. This involves an absolute equality of rights and rights of property between former masters and slaves, and the connection heretofore existing between them becomes that between employer and hired laborer.”

– General Gordon Granger, June 19th 1865 in Galveston, Texas

This event took place nearly two years after President Abraham Lincoln signed the Emancipation Proclamation directing the emancipation of enslaved Africans in America. Yet slavery continued until the civil war ended. On that day in Galveston Bay, Texas, more than 250,000 African Americans were given federal and community protection of their rights to self-determination, citizenship, democracy and freedom.

Juneteenth reminds us that policy is only part of the bigger picture of social change. It’s a critical part of a much larger strategy that must consider how people’s awareness, beliefs and actions can be influenced for positive social change to occur. 

Liberty means that each human has the right to choose where and how they live, where and how they work, where and how they love and raise their families, and where and how they worship and believe. Married to those rights of liberty are the responsibilities we share as citizens to care for one another, to protect each other, to work to create justice, to empathize and hold space for those who are different than us or disagree with our views, to educate ourselves on the issues that affect us all, to vote with ethics and careful consideration, to find ways to contribute to the health and well-being of our communities, nation and world, and strive to do no harm. We cannot take these liberties for granted. Teaching our children what it means to be a democratic citizen is key to raising a generation who will preserve our liberties.

Because it is not the season for our children and teens to be in school, they may miss this critical part of our American history. It’s vital (not a nice-to-have) that our children understand the full American story. We hope you’ll celebrate this historic event. Then, we also hope you’ll take a moment today or in the following weeks to check out a children’s book and learn together as a family about this event that shaped our nation.

Recommended Children’s Books

Juneteenth for Mazie by Floyd Cooper

This story features Mazie, who at first isn’t eager to celebrate. However, her dad tells her how her great, great Grandpa learned of his freedom on one faithful June summer day. After learning about her ancestors’ legacy, Mazie is finally ready for Juneteenth.

Juneteenth Is by Natasha Triplett with Illustrator Daniel O’Brien

Family and community have always been the backbone of Juneteenth celebrations. “Juneteenth Is” focuses on the joy of gathering, honoring the fight for Black liberation, and supporting Black history as American history. Either read aloud or independently, children and parents alike can use this text to fuel important conversations.

The Juneteenth Story by Alliah L. Agostini with Illustrator Sawyer Cloud

Told as a story within a story, this book follows a young girl as she learns about the history of Juneteenth. With Cloud’s vibrant illustrations of the present and past, Agostini brings historical facts to an easy-to-read journey. Based on the author’s rich family Juneteenth legacy, this book shows how oral storytelling also serves as cultural memory.

The History of Juneteenth: A History Book for New Readers by Alisha Norwood, PhD. With Illustrator Sawyer Cloud

This introduction to the history of Juneteenth is best for early elementary readers. It contains quite a few thought-provoking questions that engage students with history and its implications in today’s world. Alongside the history and detailed timelines, readers can even take a quiz to test their knowledge!

What Is Juneteenth? By Kristi Jewel with Illustrator Manuel Gutierrez

Another title in the Who HQ series, What is Juneteenth?, shares the holiday’s history with stories from nationwide Juneteenth celebrations past and present. This book is a great nonfiction reader for children who are reading on their own.

References

National museum of African American History and Culture. Retrieved on 6.18.25 at https://nmaahc.si.edu/explore/moments/juneteenth

Juneteenth Website Retrieved on 6.18.25 at https://www.juneteenth.com/

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Posted on June 15, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Reimagining Fatherhood, Reimagining Our World

by Jason P. Miller, MA, PCC

When someone says “be a real man,” what do you think they mean?  Usually, this phrase is uttered to convey a wish for a man to project a tough exterior; to be strong (usually physically); and to express a chiseled and stoic affect. If a “real man” is permitted to feel anything, it is usually anger, because that is the most useful emotion for conquering and defending, which is historically what is expected. In other words, a “real man” is a warrior: someone who exists to protect and fight for something important. Historically that could mean territory, principles, rights, and/or your family.

In family life, traditionally the “real man” is expected to provide safety and security, and his value and respect is measured by how much he is able to do this. In the workplace, a “real man” is hailed when he rises to a position of power in a hierarchy (read: power over others). Fame and fortune is the hallmark of a “real man”, because those are the traditional indicators of overcoming hardship and barriers placed on him from external circumstances. This typically has included people who stand in the way of “success.”

While this picture of the traditional “real man” may not be as universally common as it once was, it is hard to deny that these themes still widely pervade our world today. Look no further than the daily dramas centered on winning and dominating in any sector. Whether it be politics, business, media, science, education, or healthcare, we still experience cultures and leaders who are celebrated for playing the mythic “conquering warrior.” While many say that “this is the way things are and have always been”, there is and has always been a fundamental flaw with the balance of power in this paradigm. Certainly, all of our external systems need re-calibrating at a minimum and overhauling at a maximum. Yet, there is another institution that holds perhaps the greatest potential to change the imbalance of power in our world: the institution of fatherhood.

If we dream of a future in which more of us are able to focus on lives of thriving rather than just surviving, we cannot get there without reimagining the identity and role of fathers in family life.

If we want a future marked by cooperation, care, compassion, and collective well-being rather than competition, winning, and personal economic gain, then we need to envision, build, and reinforce a new identity of fatherhood that embodies these ideals. This is the great quest to reimagine fatherhood.

The great quest is one that seeks to destroy the outdated and harmful identity of the conquering warrior and create in its place the identity of the nurturing partner in development and potential. Make no bones about it – this quest is not easy, not simple, and not done in a moment. It requires any of us who hold the privilege of being a father to commit to a long-term journey of truthful self-exploration, unlearning old narratives and habits, and persisting in the ongoing changing of how we show up in the world. With any quest, the journey will present us with challenges and trials that require ample doses of courage, strength, intelligence, and skills. But,

this quest will not have us conquering someone else, or even looking to change something that is outside of ourselves. Rather, our courage will need to turn inward to examine the internal barriers we hold up to protect ourselves from the vulnerability of intimate relationships.

The courageous inner journey of the reimagined father requires dads to embrace their imperfections; to lean into their greatest fears; to challenge and disrupt habitual patterns of thoughts tied to old stories and beliefs; and to be willing to surrender to a purpose greater than oneself. It is a quest for dads to personally accept and express love through warmth, and to become more balanced and whole by embracing their nurturing side. The quest is indeed one that is perilous; one that is fraught with uncertainty and potential loss of self as anyone who has attempted it knows. But it is a quest worth taking because of the powerful role of modeling that we hold as fathers in family life. This is the only real chance we have as fathers to change the trajectory of generations to come.

The great quest to reimagine fatherhood starts with you, Dad. If you want to make the world a better place, first take a look at yourself, and then commit to changing who you are. You can bring balance and thriving to the world by embracing a new identity within your own family by modeling these ideals yourself. Your family lineage depends on your willingness to accept this great quest.

Jason Miller has over twenty-five years of experience as an Organizational Development leader, coach, and consultant as founder of Inner Sound, and serves on the faculty of the Hudson Institute of Coaching. Jason is father to a teenage son.

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