“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'”

– C.S. Lewis

Whether your child speaks the desire or not, most if not all children enter the school year with a hope of cultivating new friends. Yet, our children may not feel comfortable initiating a conversation or have well-rehearsed the social skills needed to grow a friendship. It can require great courage to risk possible rejection to go up to someone brand new to begin a conversation. If your preschool age child once played side by side with peers and began a friendship by bumping their toy cars into one another, that easy start can become more complex as children grow. “How do I just talk to someone I don’t know?“, “What if no one is playing a game I like?” and “What if I ask to play and they say ‘No.’? are real concerns. Social anxiety can strike at any moment. Kids don’t often know how to cope with those worries and turn to you for guidance. So how do you help your child through those times while supporting their social skill development?

We know that whether at school or in an extracurricular activity,  friendships will add to a child’s comfort and enjoyment and can even determine whether they’ll participate in the first place. Research studies confirm that friendships can contribute to a student’s academic performance. Studies have concluded that for both elementary and middle school students, those that have significant friendships at school have a higher motivation for working toward social and academic goals.¹ A teacher writes:

“We expect our elementary and middle school students to have mastered these skills before they reach our classrooms. In fact, many of the problems we solve daily are not related to academics but to our students’ undeveloped social skills.“²

Indeed, friendships and a sense of belonging at school can directly address the chronic absenteeism problem that schools has faced since the pandemic. Each student who has at least one treasured friendship – their go-to buddy – has greater incentive to get to school each day.

For teachers, making relationship building a priority at the beginning of the school year can not only eliminate some of those social anxieties that get in the way of learning, they can motivate a child to engage and work hard with friends at their side throughout the school year. Developing friendships and being able to collaborate with peers requires multiple skills that must be learned and practiced over time. And it’s not enough for students to learn to create a friendship with those who are just like they are. Additionally, teachers and parents need to build the skills of accepting and working with students who are different from you. Caring classroom communities not only help students discover their commonalities but also recognize, celebrate and focus on the uniqueness and importance of differences.

Though you may feel as a parent that you have little influence on friend-making at school when you are not present, that’s not exactly true. There are numerous ways you can offer valuable practice in friendship skills at home. Practicing some of these skills over the coming weeks as all students are newly back to school can help set your child up for success setting the tone for a school year where they feel a sense of belonging and care.

Here are some ideas to try out.

For Preschool and Elementary School Age Children

Model.

Find chances in the grocery store or at the bank during regular weekly activities in which your child accompanies you to model introductions to people. Perhaps when you go buy school supplies, this could be your chance. You may go to the same store each week but do you know the names of the employees that assist you? Introduce yourself and your child.

“Hi. I come in here weekly and you’ve helped me many times. What is your name? It’s nice to meet you. This is my daughter, Amanda. She is a big help on shopping trips.”

Be sure and take the opportunity on the car ride home to reflect on the introduction. You might ask, “What did you notice that I said to the woman at the store? Are there some kids at school you might be able to introduce yourself to in a similar way?”

Practice at home.

For younger children, get out three or four of your child’s stuffed friends and have them join you for a snack after school.  Start by making your own introduction of one to another. Then, have your child do the rest of the introductions. “Seal meet Wayne, the bunny. You both like playing legos with Amanda.” Share one commonality and one difference. My son loved this game and looks for opportunities to introduce puppets, trains, cars and other friends that have not yet met. Remember to point out the small aspects you may take for granted to set your child up for success. Nonverbals matter! For example, “I looked at him in the eyes. I smiled and then, I offered my name.“

For older children into middle school, you can involve them in introductions by play acting with them and engaging them in fun. Talk about how it can feel awkward to introduce yourself. Maybe share a story of a time you felt awkward or silly but made an introduction anyway and were glad you did. Show them how you did it. “I just walked up and said ‘I see you are reading that great book. I read it last summer and loved it. I’m Amanda.’” Recognize that it will take some courage to approach a peer. Offer simple ways to join in a game, just sit down, or introduce a topic to get through the awkward first step and move on to getting to know others. It helps to consider questions your child might ask to open up conversation like, “what do you like to do at recess?” Or “who was your favorite teacher last year?“

Create new attitudes around differences.

If your child’s classroom teacher is not intentional about building classroom community and inclusive connections, children may tend toward creating small groups and leaving children out. Your child does not need to be dear friends with every child but they do need to show acceptance and respect and get along with every child in the class. After all, they’ll have plenty of interactions and may even need to work with each of their peers on academic projects. How you talk about differences at home matters greatly. How can you notice when you are talking about classmates, neighbors, or any person outside of your immediate family? Now is the time to use your best self management skills and exercise curiosity (versus judgment with differences). When differences arise — “they don’t think like we do.” — the essential question becomes, “what can we learn from that difference?” Judgment of classmates at home leads to judgment of classmates at school. Set your child up for success in the classroom by curbing any judgment and showing acceptance and curiosity for uniqueness. Look for the (at times, hidden) gifts of each individual! When your child comes home from school talking judgmentally about another child, use your best life coaching approach. You might respond,

“every child in your class has a gift whether it’s clear to you or not. Your special trick can be finding that gift. Do you know what it is for the classmate you’re talking about?”

Ask about free times like lunchtime and recess.

There are very few free moments during the school day when children choose what they can do and with whom they can do it but lunch and recess are often those times. It can be so difficult to find someone to sit with at lunch when looking out at a sea of unfamiliar faces. Talk about this and what your child might do. Model simple language that he can use. “Can I sit with you?” is all it takes – that and a lot of courage – to sit down with a new group of students and have lunch. Talking about it with you and helping your child see that everyone has those feelings of awkwardness at one point or another may give him the courage needed to take that first step.

Provide reinforcing comments.

As your child tells you about attempts to make new friends, reinforce what she is doing. “I notice you introduced yourself today. That kind of bravery is going to pay off, just wait, and see.” It may take a number of tries to make a connection that lasts beyond the lunch period. Also, it’s tempting to ask about and judge the kids with whom she is connecting. You may know the parents or have seen the potential friends through school interactions.  We know that peers can be a significant influence on our child and we want it to be a positive one. However, because it can feel so challenging to make connections and kids are still trying to figure out in which group they belong, allow them some space to take healthy risks and try out new friendships.

Teach to repair harm.

Making friends is hard enough but keeping friends can represent another level of social skills. After all, there are no perfect friends. Each will make mistakes and hurt one another. The trick when hurt or harm occurs is that your child knows how to make amends. Teach that their next choice can be a better choice to heal the relationship. They may feel hurt too. So they need practice at home — with you, with siblings, with neighborhood friends. When they cause harm (and it may be inadvertent), how can they accept their role and responsibility and make things better? Can they offer an apology face to face? Can they mend a broken toy, offer a hug, or write a note? There are many ways that friends can repair harm done. Yet so often, when conflict arises, children’s coping strategies lead to more harm (silent treatment, blame, contempt, and more). They need your coaching and your support in generating ideas for what they can do to create healing when they have calmed down and are ready. You can assure them that (if harm was done on multiple sides) taking responsibility for their part is the right thing to do. They do not have control over anyone else’s behavior, only their own.

Have patience and give it time.

Though at times, it may be challenging to see your child struggling to simply walk up to a group of kids to engage in play, slow your own mind down. Recall your own socially awkward moments as a child. Perhaps even remember times as an adult that it’s been tough to walk, for example, into a brand new workplace and begin relationships. Thinking about your own tough times in starting friendships can help extend your own patience while realizing that, for a child in the midst of social anxieties, it can be a significant and all-consuming challenge. Your guidance and show of confidence that they can do it will help them take the risks they need to take in order to develop those critical relationships.

Children often begin with the advantage of a core common interest – camp, school, sports. If your child initiates a conversation, that may be all that is needed to forge a friendship. Have those discussions, model, practice, and reinforce their courageous efforts as they make attempts. Root for your child in connecting with each person in their class. Those small supports you provide can go a long way toward helping your child find the confidence for making healthy friendships.

For a related article:

What’s in a Name? Teaching Children the Art of Introductions

Healthy Relationships: The Cornerstone of Gratefulness

References:

1. DuBois, D. L., Felner, R. D., Brand, S., Adan, A. M., & Evans, E. G. (1992). A prospective study of life stress, social support, and adaptation in early adolescence. Child Development, 63,542-557.
2. Watson, M., Ecken, L. (2003). Learning to Trust; Transforming Difficult Elementary Classrooms through Developmental Discipline. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
3. Harter, S. (1996). Teacher and classmate influences on scholastic motivation, self-esteem, and level of voice in adolescents. In J. Juvonen & K. R. Wentzel (Eds.), Social motivation: Understanding children’s school adjustment (pp. 11-42). New York: Cambridge University Press.
4. Wentzel, K. R. (1994). Relations of social goal pursuit to social acceptance, classroom behavior, and perceived social support. Journal of Educational Psychology, 86, 173-182.
5. Adapted from original published on September 5, 2013.

It’s with trepidation, excitement, sadness, longing, anticipation, worry and even joy that we enter together into the back to school season as a family. Saying goodbye to extended time together and serious summer fun, laid back schedules and adventures and exploration can all feel like a sad ending. Re-entering the schedule can feel like an onerous chore to some and to others, a relief. Seeing long-time friends and familiar faces can invite or renew our sense of care and belonging with our school community or it can usher in stress about safety, judgment and exclusion. Our children may be hoping to build new friendships or nervously considering the teachers and coaches who will impact their lives. No matter our focus, the back to school season seems to incite big feelings in all of us.

And there are rituals that welcome us and pave the way for transition into the learning year. Whether you connect with other parents at pick up or drop off time, attend a welcome back event or parents’ curriculum night, it’s not just your child who goes back to school. The whole family will play a key role in learning.

Responsive Classroom, an evidence-based essential life skills curriculum in schools, offers teachers professional guidance on the first six weeks of school and how they can seize that timeframe to set the tone for the school year in a number of ways.¹ But how can we support that transition at home? An intentional approach can help us as parents and caregivers consider the ways in which we can create conducive routines at home and a caring space to support and maximize the hard work of learning that will take place in the context of our family lives.

Let’s take a look at these opportunities that exist in family life to return to school together preparing ourselves mentally, socially and emotionally to offer and receive learning throughout the school year.

Getting to Know your School Community
At the very heart of learning is connection. We know safe, caring relationships are necessary in order to bring out the best in our students. The fresh school year – whether you are beginning in a new school and everyone is unfamiliar or you are returning to a school you know well – offers a chance to create valuable connections with others. We need not be reminded that our in-person ability to connect cannot be taken for granted. Though often schools are placed in the role of organizing and reaching out to families, there is an opportunity for each and every caregiver to initiate relationships knowing how critical they are to the learning agenda. So our agenda in doing the best we can as caring parents is not only just to show up (though that is a critical first step!) but also, to consider how we show up. Bringing our warm and open heart and our willingness and effort to make caring connections will alter our presence so that we walk away having planted seeds for new, deeper or more extended relationships.

With our Children: This is the moment when our children are most nervous about their social standing. Will I make friends? Will friends be in my classes? If not, how will I manage and will I need to meet other classmates? Will I have someone to sit with at lunch? Will there be an awkward time at recess or after school when I have to wait alone? Though they must have awkward moments and encounters in order to learn social skills, our modeling can go a long way to help them. 

So 1. Be aware that when you are introducing yourself and your child to others, they are watching and learning; and 2. Offer practice in meeting new people. With young children, practice introductions between stuffed friends or action figures. Have your child try it! With older children when you encounter new families at events, include your child in the adult introductions. Reflect on them when you get in the car or move away. What made that easy? How could you do that when you encounter a new classmate? Do you recall their names? If not, how can we remember them the next time? With teens, we need to be a little subtler in our efforts since they will sniff out our eagerness to “teach” and lean away. Instead engage your teen’s empathy for others who are new to the class. You might say, “Do you remember how you felt when you were new? What was that like for you? And was there anyone who helped you feel more welcome? What did they do?”

Sharing Your Gifts/Learning about Others
If every individual – student, educator and caregiver – were fully and deeply engaged in contributing the best of their inner gifts to the mission of learning, what would our schools look like, feel like? How would they be different? As we enter this school year, you might ask yourself, how are you sharing your gifts with your student and with the school community? What might that look like? How can you take one small step forward in doing that? And how can we learn about the gifts others bring? What knowledge, skills or experience do they bring professionally? What are they committed to personally? How can we find out more so that we value those we are in community with?

CPCK recently collaborated with educational leaders from Windsor Public Schools in Windsor, CT who shared this wonderful way in which they give fathers in their district the opportunity to share their best gifts at school for the benefit of all in a program called Watch DOGS (Dads of Great Students).

With our Children: Can your child name their strengths? Are they able to identify what is unique and special about themselves? This is the time when teachers will offer connection activities for students to get to know one another but our students are also working on coming to know themselves. This is the ever-evolving skill of self awareness. You can help with this by asking those key questions your child might consider. It’s common for children to be complimented on their looks (“you look beautiful!”) or their athletic performance (“you were great on the soccer field”) but those are not the only ways we hope our child will define themselves. We hope they see their inner strengths like wit, curiosity, creativity, compassion, honesty, bravery, kindness and more. Discover together what these are and how they might shape your child’s sense of identity by story-telling, perhaps reflecting on your summer at dinnertime, and pointing to specific instances of those valued traits.

Discovering School Treasures
Every school has treasures. Whether its incredible teachers with passion interest areas to share, maker spaces or places that inspire creativity, or peers that hold the potential to become best best friends, our children have a lot to explore and discover. We can participate and enjoy the discovery process by keeping the dialogue alive about what discoveries are being made. And surely when we attend school events, we can return with much to report about our own discoveries. Keeping a gratitude agenda at dinnertime or whenever your family is together can help keep the exchange of school treasures alive throughout the back to school season.

With our Children: Listening with empathy and reflection can make all the difference in elevating or amplifying treasures that might go unnoticed. As your child is quickly rattling off the events or people encounters of the day, you might reflect back to them what you heard and add in how you see them as potential treasures. “Your teacher greeted you at the door today? I am delighted to hear how glad she was to see you!”

As an educator, the school year feels like a time when we hit the ground running. You may be feeling this sense too. But in reality, the transition from summer to school year doesn’t happen overnight. It is indeed a season in which there’s plenty of time to plant the seeds that will be watered and grown over the coming year. So there’s more we can do but for now, these are plenty to focus on. In part two, we’ll take a look at creating conducive learning spaces at home, sharing hopes and dreams, asking big questions, finding opportunities to play and co-creating rules and routines.

We hope you bask in the glow of these first few days and weeks of school as you appreciate the discovery of treasures in your child, in your school community, and in yourself. May it be a safe, healthy and happy year of learning for all!

Reference:
Denton, Paula & Kriete, Roxanne. (2000). The First Six Weeks of School (2nd Ed.). Turner Falls, MA; Northeast Foundation for Children.