By Guest Author Betty Weir

It was bedtime, and I was all by myself with my three boys, ages 3, 7, and 7. They were wound up. They were loud. They were wrestling. My husband was caring for his mother, who had recently been diagnosed with cancer. There were more and more nights that were ending like this…just me and these three, savage beasts. I finally understood the meaning behind Where the Wild Things Are, with Max turning into a monster and going off into another land. 

To make matters worse, I was internally beating myself up because I was immersed in all of the research about how to handle moments like these. I was listening to Dr. Becky Kennedy, I was reading Kristin Souers. They talked about self-regulation and the importance of breathing and staying calm in these moments. I knew that my own regulation had a direct correlation to my children’s, and if I could stay calm, they would co-regulate with me. But I just couldn’t seem to overcome the growing sense of panic happening within me. I was completely powerless. I had no idea how to get them to stop yelling, kicking, and rolling around. My emotions would usually crescendo in a loud, animal-like scream (that would finally capture their attention) or by bursting into tears (which would also get them to take notice…”Mommy, don’t cry”).

Have you been there? Do you see me? The more I have delved into this topic and learned, the more I have shifted from feeling shame for having these moments to feeling human. This is the life of a parent. Even the experts who do this for a living struggle with these moments. You’ve heard the expression, “If you know better, you do better.” But I have found that is not always true with emotional regulation. You can know the tools, the strategies, and the science very well. But when your brain goes to the amygdala, it is extremely challenging to pause and select a strategy rather than plummet into fight, flight, or freeze. 

I would argue the intentional practice of self-awareness and emotional regulation is one of the most important, and most challenging, skills we can develop as a human. As parents, when we are asked what we want for our children, a frequent response is “I want my child to be happy.” But the more I have learned, the less this is what I want most. 

When I was a school principal, someone gave me one of those little farmhouse style signs as an office decoration. The wooden sign read, “Be happy” in white, painted script. Something about it bothered me. I didn’t like the idea of giving someone an order to “be happy.” What if they were feeling angry, or sad? Then, they should be angry or sad, I thought. They shouldn’t force the feeling down, and let it become a part of them. They should feel it, allow it to course through their body and make its way out on the other side.

I thought to myself, “How can I have a sign that says, ‘Be happy’ in my office when many of the people who come into my office, whether they be children, teachers, or parents, have something bothering them or something that is not quite right? No, this sign won’t do at all.”

The nightmares I had each August before school started came to mind. When I was teaching, I dreamt that I lost my temper at the class on the first day…then, I just unleashed and started yelling at them. As an administrator, I would have a similar nightmare in which I lost my temper with my staff during a staff meeting for having side conversations. Looking back, it seems my biggest fear was losing grip on my emotions and hurling my frustration towards others.

I took two post-its and wrote, “Regulated” across them. I stuck them right over the word “happy.” If there was one goal I had for people that came through my office to seek support or express frustration, being regulated seemed like the most important way to be. The same went for me when I was in front of my class or my staff. I didn’t need to be happy, but being regulated was of the utmost importance.

As a parent, the moments I lose my patience with my children and yell or say something hurtful are my lowest. How is it that these three precious children, who I gave birth to, can get under my skin and activate my stress system more than anyone? More than the students I teach, my friends’ kids, children I see at a park or a restaurant. When I see another child having a hard time, my first response is, “Oh, they must be struggling and need some empathy and grace.” It is infinitely more challenging to have that response with my own children. Yet, I know how much my calm and regulation can support them in moments of stress.

At this point, my children are 10, 10, and 6. What I have come to realize is that when I see my children do something that is selfish, rude, messy, etc.,

In that messy moment…I not only want to teach them how to be more morally responsible or have better manners, but I am also battling a feeling of shame that I have not done my job as a parent. I am working on shifting that feeling of shame to instead serve as a reminder that these children are unfinished beings and each mistake is a learning opportunity, not a condemnation of my ability as a parent.

Over the past five years, I have learned so much from Doug Bolton, Marc Brackett, Molly Pope, Kristin Souers, and Becky Kennedy when it comes to emotional regulation. Here are five of the most helpful strategies I can pass along to this parenting community:

1. From Doug Bolton: The positive impact of community. When someone in our community or our family causes harm, we can help them by surrounding them with care and support rather than ostracizing them. Those that are hurting can lash out the strongest. By surrounding them with care and reassuring them of our commitment to loving them, we can tame the anger and provide empathy and compassion, ultimately strengthening the bonds of the community/family.
2. From Marc Brackett: You have to label it to regulate it. By precisely labeling your emotions, you can better determine an effective strategy to handle it. Dr. Brackett has even created a free app called “How We Feel” that supports you in labeling your emotions.
3. From Molly Pope: Get curious about your child’s behavior. When your child is having big feelings, one of the best things we can do is ask ourselves the question, “Why is my child acting like this?” Examining the antecedent to the behavior can help to give us more information about how to support our child.
4. From Kristin Souers: Give yourself grace. We are all trying to do our best. You deserve kindness and empathy from yourself, just as you would give to a good friend or close family member.
5. From Becky Kennedy: The power of repair. We are all bound to have difficult moments with our children. If we make a mistake, modeling an apology and extending sincere words of repair can not only strengthen our relationship with our child, but also teach them the power of making it right with someone we have harmed.

The other important nugget I have learned from each of these professionals is that no one is perfect. Each of these five experts have shared examples of times when they lost their temper and needed to repair. Let’s not aim for perfection in parenting when it comes to regulation, as this is an impossible target. But rather, if we can see the value of emotional regulation and strive for it, offering repair and reflection when we miss the mark, we can continue on our journey as parents knowing that we have modeled what we hope to see in our children as they grow and mature.

Sources:

Doug Bolton: Untethered

Marc Brackett: Dealing with Feeling: Use Your Emotions to Create the Life You Want

Becky Kennedy: Good Inside

Kristin Souers: Fostering Resilient Learners

Molly Pope: Parenting and Consulting (various presentations)

Betty Weir is currently the Director of Professional Learning at a K-8 district in Illinois. She has been a school principal and a middle school language arts teacher, as well. Much of her educational experience has centered around literacy and SEL education for children. She is an active parent with her own three sons and has daily opportunities to learn, grow, and repair with her children.