The Heart of Family

A successful marriage (partnership) requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.

– Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic’s Notebook, 1966

Marriage (partnership): that I call the will of two to create the one who is more than those who created it.

Friedrich Nietzsche

Most readily agree that partnerships are the backbone of a family. The strength of the family is dependent upon its leadership and the strength of the union. But in an informal survey of friends, not one couple has a regular date time. And when asked when couples sit down and get to really talk about more than just the logistics of life, most on average say it may happen once per month. Considering that collaborative partnership and decision-making are highly effective only when there is a sense of connectedness and both parties are willing to take the time and effort to work through the issues, that lack of time to connect, reflect and communicate with one another can take a toll on a relationship and a family. But, of course, when and where and how do you find the time to talk and listen?

Work responsibilities often creep into what used to be sacred personal time (whether it’s actual working or the stress and mind consumption that happens with more responsibility), so it’s no wonder we find it difficult to connect.

At the start of working with a school, staff typically tell me all about the kids’ behavior and how they are not doing what they ask them to do. “How can we change these kids? And how can we change these parents?” I am commonly asked. At the same time, there’s little collaboration going on between staff and often, conflicts amongst the adults in the building about how they interact day to day with one another and how they interact with the students. This lack of cohesion among the adults translates to kids testing limits on a regular basis because there’s no consistency and the boundaries and adult standards are unclear. My job is to help the adults come to their own conclusion that they are the ones that must change if they want to change the school. They must focus on themselves and their own transformation if they want to improve at all. This is also true in family life. The adults must continually learn and work to improve themselves and their connection with one another if they want their family life to improve and if they want to help develop their children into reflective, independent, learning and growth-oriented adults.

Take a look at your week. Presumably, you have scheduled soccer, music class, work meetings, volunteer meetings, and maybe a social engagement with friends. Consider setting a time for connection and reflection with your partner on the calendar (in ink!). In our household, if it’s not on the calendar, it likely won’t happen. So find a time and actually send your partner a meeting request, or place the appointment on the family calendar for the sole purpose of really talking. Getting a sitter for this purpose would be ideal but also for many, a luxury that might just be too difficult to make happen. So at the same time, plan a special movie viewing for your children to keep them occupied. If they are old enough to go to a friend’s house, schedule it for that time. If they are too young for friends and movies, schedule your conversation during naptime or quiet time. The point is to make it easy and manageable the first time so that you might decide to try it again.

My husband and I find that we spend half of a date decompressing from the stressors and to-dos of life (sometimes it takes the whole date!) so that it takes a while to really be in the moment with the other person. We tend to spend a lot of time thinking about our worries and stressors so thinking about our “happy thoughts” (as we call it at bedtime with E) can point our minds and intentions in the right direction leading us toward our goals and dreams. With that in mind, I’ve devised some questions to get you started in your conversation to help you dive into the good stuff – really connecting with one another! Be sure and create a conducive environment (but keep it simple) such as drinks or snacks at the ready, a room to yourselves, a candle lit, and quiet. Jason and I have a standing agreement that early Sunday morning is our time to do this with a full pot of coffee in our sunroom while our son is watching cartoons and eating his breakfast. Might it become a weekly ritual for you? Try once and see if you don’t get addicted.

Pick one of the following questions to get started:

What is making you happy these days? If that’s hard to answer, then what might give you joy if you could find the time for it?

What are your current hopes and dreams? How can you work together to achieve them? Is there one small step you could take immediately?

What are each partners’ top three to five values that each wants to be sure are lived out? How are you currently living those values? How might you think about living out those values even more? How are you passing along those values to your children? Are there common values that can be agreed upon for the family and how can you live those out in your weekly plans, actions, interactions and ways of being?

What do you appreciate about your partner day to day? What are some things that your partner does regularly that you know contribute to your family’s health and sense of well being but often goes unsaid? Are there easy ways that you can recognize and appreciate their contributions more often?

What gets your creative juices going? Have you been able to engage in any creative endeavors? If so, what and how can you include more in your life? And if not, what can you do to engage yourself creatively?

How are you connecting with your children? Do you feel you have quality time together? What kind of time do you most enjoy spending with them? What are your hopes and dreams for your relationship with them?

If you heard a teacher describing you simply from the description your child gave to them of you, what would she say? What would you most like her to say? How can you best be that person with your children?

What are your current worries and fears? How can you seek more information or work together to dispel them so that you can focus on living out your hopes and aspirations? Find examples from your history together of how you worked together to overcome obstacles as evidence that you can do it again.

Think about a time when you felt you both were at your best together and individually? What was going on at that time? How did you feel? What was happening that made it so good? How can you harness that energy now? How can you bring some of that spirit into your current life?

Be sure, no matter how short the conversation, you end on either a shared dream or shared connection, even if it’s recounting a happy memory together. You want those connecting thoughts to carry you through until the next time you get the opportunity to talk.

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Parent Private Investigator

Ponton: You never cease to surprise me, sir.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: It’s true. My surprises, they are rarely unexpected.

–          The Pink Panther, 2006[i]

Do you sometimes feel like you have to be a detective when your child melts down? You know that what she seems to be crying about shouldn’t elicit that level of passion. So what is the problem? Why is she crying so loudly and for so long? Why did he storm off to his room over such a simple, no-big-deal issue? We know that there must be more to the upset so we have to dig for clues.

Date: September 25, 2012 – my son’s fifth birthday

Scene: Explorers’ Preschool Classroom – The Cubby Area

Precipitating Event: A lengthy, passionate meltdown by one E Miller (my son) over a sticker (all classmates received one) that we put into another child’s cubby in celebration of E’s birthday.

Yes, my son covets other kids’ stuff despite the fact that he has more toys than he can possibly play with. But my gut told me that he would not, could not get this upset over a sticker in a cubby. So despite my lack of energy, despite my head cold, I had to focus on cooling him off so that we could get to the real issue at hand. It took some time for him to settle down but I waited patiently and tried not to fuel the flames further. I made it clear that we could not leave until we put the sticker back in the other child’s cubby but tried not to say much more except calming words.

When the crocodile tears finally subsided and E started to breathe at a reasonable rate again, I mopped his face with tissues and we stood up to leave. Of course, it didn’t help that he was hungry and tired. His defenses were down. As he stood to leave, he said, “Mama, I don’t want to turn five. I want to stay four.” I got lucky this time and my child had enough awareness of his feelings to specifically identify the problem. Major change is often the source of stress and upset. If you have had a death in the family, are moving, or are starting your child in a new school, you likely acknowledge that those major changes can cause emotions to run high. But sometimes kids feel the pressure of a major change when we don’t perceive what is happening as a major change. Big deals to them may be little blips on our busy radars. So what can you do when your child calms down but is still not able to identify the source of the problem?

Consider these four steps the next time a volatile situation occurs.

  1. Remove him from the crowd to a place where you have some privacy.
  2. Get on his/her level. Stoop or sit.
  3. Have the patience to wait while your child calms down.
  4. Calmly and slowly ask questions and really listen to get to the bottom of the situation.

This, for me, is the toughest part since the timing is not always convenient and typically there are next activities in the day to get to, and sometimes, people waiting. Remind yourself that addressing the problem now slowly and calmly will prevent more meltdowns later in the day. Getting to the heart of the issue does often involve a guessing game for you but here are some ways to narrow your guessing down so that you can be your own expert private investigator.

  1. Are physical needs taken care of or could hunger, tiredness, or coming down with a bug be the primary culprit for the upset? We were quickly trained in the baby years to look for these signs so continue to use that keen sense now.
  2. Has there been any kind of major change in your child or your family’s life within the past few weeks?

Consider what might mean major change to your child because sometimes, it’s a change that adults take for granted like a seemingly small difference in your daily routine. Sometimes the release of emotions happens well after the change has occurred since some children work on being strong during the storm. Even perceived positive changes (a birth in the family, Grandma coming to visit, a new job for Dad, a change of season) are still changes and require adjustment on the part of a child. Strong emotions can accompany the ending of something and the beginning of something new. If you suspect or are unsure whether various events are affecting your child, ask.

3. Are there relationship worries your child might have?

Did he disappoint a teacher? Was he rejected by another child? Was Dad mad at him this morning before school? Is your child getting less attention because of a sibling or a new job taking a parent’s time? These relationship worries can bother a child throughout the day and bubble over when they are tired or hungry. They may be upset and unaware that they are worrying about something that occurred earlier in the day. Asking about these may provide insight into your child’s thoughts and fears.

4. Is a major event coming up?

Some children anticipate the coming of even happy events with anxiety. A birthday party can create worries about being the center of attention. Ask about these events if you suspect they might be the culprit and see if the reaction is one of stress.

5. Could your child fear failure?

Is a test coming up? Are they aware of a conversation you’ve had with their teacher about concerns? Are they working on a school project for which they don’t feel competent? Have they done something they know is wrong and fear your disappointment?

“Emotions heal when they are heard and validated,” writes Jill Bolte Taylor in My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey.[ii] You are helping your child deal with and move through their upset, worries, anger or fears just by taking the time to listen and understand.

If you are taking the time and exhibiting the patience and calm it takes to get to the root cause of a child’s sincere, passionate upset, then you are teaching the child the invaluable skill of self awareness. You are providing emotional coaching by asking probing questions and allowing your child to articulate the problem. You are also teaching your child the first step in problem solving which is to specifically define the problem so that she can come up with the best possible solution. Remember this the next time you are struggling with patience. These skills will serve your child for a lifetime when you are not there to play parent P.I.

Resources

Feelings Identification:

Parr, T. (2010). Todd Parr feelings flash cards. San Francisco, CA: Chronicle Books.

Kid Detectives in Training:

Landon, L. (2000). Solve-It-Yourself Meg Mackintosh mystery series. Newport, RI: Secret Passage Press. (ages 7 and up)

Mindware (1997). Bella’s mystery deck. Roseville, MN: Author. (ages 10 and up. Deck of 52 cards with a mystery to solve on each.)


[i] Shuman, I., Simonds, R., Trench, T. (Producers), & Levy, S. (Director). (2006). The Pink Panther. Los Angeles, CA: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.

[ii] Taylor, J.B. (2008) My stroke of insight: A brain scientist’s personal journey. NY: Viking.

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Boo! Common Fears and How to Help Children Deal with Them

Halloween is a perfect time to think about what scares us. It’s only human to have fears but there are healthy ways to approach them to ensure that they don’t paralyze you or your child. Certainly the way a parent handles a scary topic with their children impacts how the children will deal with that scariness in the future. “Face your fears.” seems to be a commonly heard phrase but what does that really mean?  Typically a fear is created because a person doesn’t know or fully understand something. He can also be apprehensive about danger associated with a type of creature, imaginary like a dragon or real like a large dog, a stranger or an activity like flying on an airplane. Just as you might get a flu shot to prevent the flu, getting a small, low-to-no risk dose of the scary subject with a trusted parent present can be a way to learn to deal with it and even possibly help worries go away. You can begin to temper their fright by noticing how you react when you encounter those situations. Are you calm? Do you find the fun in rainstorms? Or do you squeal at spiders? Try noticing your own reactions and work on expressing calm and even finding the fun or humorous side of the fear to take away its powerful hold on your child’s imagination.

In honor of this Halloween, the following contains some ideas on ways to proactively help children specifically deal with a fear of the dark. And if you have good ideas to share, please do send to confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com.

The Dark

Does anyone grow up without a fear of the dark at some point or another? The beauty and wonder of childhood is magical thinking and the innocence that comes with it. Using your imagination is the primary business of a young person hard at play. We know it’s critical for their cognitive development to engage in make believe. So no wonder they can conjure such scary images that they are convinced real dangers are lurking in the corners of their room or under the bed when the lights go out.

Here are a couple of ideas for helping a child become a little less afraid of the dark.

  • On an evening when your child can stay up a little later without worries, pack up some dessert after dinner, some books, a flashlight and a blanket and take it outside. Set up the blanket to lie on before the sun goes down. Hang out outside while the sun is setting. Maybe read about nocturnal animals or the planets and stars. See who can find the first star in the sky or find the moon. Tell a story about a favorite night-time experience you’ve had. Children are used to being left alone in the dark at bedtime and their imaginations run wild. This allows them time with you to experience the darkness in a way that instills a feeling of safety and security and also produces images of nighttime that provoke curiosity and interest.
  • Another option is to make a nightly ritual of helping your child visualize non-scary images before they go to sleep. Turn on a night light (we love “Twilight Turtle,” which projects stars all over the ceiling for 45 minutes and then shuts off). Then, turn off the lights and get in bed. Have your child close his eyes and ask them where they would most like to go. If it’s the beach, for example, then describe it for them or better yet, ask them to describe all of the sights, sounds, and smells of the beach. Who’s there? What are you doing? Get as specific as possible. This will leave them with images that will hopefully replace their scary images.
  • Assign a new stuffed animal friend to take care of any scary intruders while your child is sleeping. During the daytime, read a story about nocturnal animals or watch “Creatures of the Night,”[i] a Curious George episode. Find a friendly-looking stuffed animal possum or raccoon or other nocturnal animal and give him the responsibility of being a bedtime companion and a lookout for danger. That stuffed animal can be responsible while your child is sleeping for making all bad monsters of the dark go away while your child is sleeping. The more ceremonial you can be with this, the more convincing the role of the animal will be for the child. You might consider presenting a medal of honor for the raccoon or a special hat to wear while he’s on night duty.
  • If you have a young adult in your household, this is the perfect time to bring up a conversation about what scares them. Teenagers often enjoy a good fright so burn a candle and dim the lights at the dinner table. If you want to get creative, serve spaghetti and tell them they are eating brains for supper! Have each person talk about their fears and how they have dealt with them. Parents, you start! It could provide insight into what your kid is thinking and further connect you as a family. Decide on a fear you will scare away together. Consider conquering the fear by dressing up like one of those frights on Halloween night.

Resources

Broad, M. (2008). Scaredy cat and boo. London, England: Hodder Children’s Books.

Landa, N. (2011). The great monster hunt. NY: Scholastic.

Smallman, S., & Pedler, C. (2009). There’s no such thing as monsters! NY: Scholastic.

Swanson, S. M. (2008). The house in the night. Boston, MA: Houghton Mifflin Books.


[i] “Creatures of the Night.”  Curious George. Universal Studios. October 29, 2010. Television

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Is this School about Heart and Head?

An atmosphere that provides support for one’s social and emotional learning and competence versus one that does not can make a huge difference in a child’s life. The difference is equal to the difference in the outcome of throwing seeds on cement versus planting seeds in enriched soil. And what a difference that is!

                                                                                – James Comer, Yale Child Study Center, 1999

School is back in full swing! Parent-teacher conferences are already this week. In this first part of the school year, take a moment to look at the school community you are joining or have been a part of for a time. Is the school truly advancing your child’s social and emotional development in concert with academically oriented pursuits? There’s solid evidence now that children’s social and emotional skills and the learning climate significantly impact their academic performance.[i] So it’s not just a matter of “Are my kids happy?”  or “Are they getting good grades?” It’s important to ask, “Are they learning to the best of their ability?” That means students feel connected to school and each other, are motivated to learn, have the necessary tools and skills for learning, and feel supported in their learning.

I’ve designed a quick and easy report card for you (below) to fill out as you go through a school or sit in your child’s classroom, to enable you to evaluate the climate of the school and its intentional support of students’ social and emotional development in concert with academic development.

When talking to parents about their process for choosing a school, most tend to go with the reputation of the school to inform their opinion. Many do not visit the school in advance of selection for a tour and most do not sit in on a class. Yet this school community will be a part of your family’s daily life for years to come. So the first step is visit, tour, observe a class! Don’t make a decision so important to your family without really exploring the environment first. It should be a place where you not only feel comfortable, but are eager to be since your child is going to need to be there everyday.

And if you are already a part of a school community, go ahead and sit in on a class now. It’s never too late. Good educators will see that you want to be supportive of the school and understand what your child/children are experiencing. Hopefully, it will also inspire more connections and relationships between you and teachers, administrators and other staff.  School staff know that those relationships with parents are critical to student success[i] but sometimes, are consumed with responsibilities and are not as proactive about developing those relationships. You can take the first step and it will certainly benefit your child’s experience at school.

There are many great tools and checklists out there to evaluate the academic rigor of a school. Each state education website (for example in Ohio, www.ode.state.oh.us) offers the ability to download public district and school report cards that list academic progress, demographics, and testing results. Also, check out Education.com for questions to ask on a schools’ academic rigor.

Follow the link to download a pdf of the Parents’ Heart and Head Report Card. Print out and take with you the next time you visit a school.

Resources

Collaborative for Academic, Social and Emotional Learning – For more on research and policy on social and emotional learning (SEL), visit the website of one of the premiere organizations advancing the science and practice of SEL in schools.

Edutopia – Produced by the George Lucas Educational Foundation, this website shows short videos of schools that excel in developing children and promoting excellence in learning, heart and head.

Read about my work in Toledo Public Schools integrating social and emotional skill building into the curriculum and creating a caring, supportive learning environment.

National Center for School Climate assists schools and districts in measuring and improving their school climate.


[i] Weissberg, R., &  Durlak, J. (2011). The impact of enhancing students’ social and emotional learning; A meta-analysis of school-based universal interventions. Child Development. 82, 1.

[ii] Henderson, A.T., & Berla, N. (Eds.) (1994). A new generation of evidence; The family is critical to student achievement. National Committee for Citizens in Education.

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Top Ten Reasons for Parents to Proactively Teach Social and Emotional Skills

We now understand that higher-level thinking is more likely to occur in the brain of a student who is emotionally secure than in the brain of a student who is scared, upset, anxious, or stressed.

― Mawhinney and Sagan

These top ten reasons are based upon solid research conducted in schools across the country with children who are taught social and emotional skills. As parents, we teach our children about emotions and social interactions everyday through modeling. For the most part, we are largely unaware of what we are teaching. Simply being aware of our modeling helps us be more intentional about our responses and how they might impact our children’s understandings of emotions, responses to situations, and interactions with others.

Top ten reasons why a parent should proactively teach social and emotional skills:

  1. Child Well Being – Children will have a greater sense of well being.
  2. Goal Achievement – It prepares children for setting, perservering and achieving any goal they might set for themselves.
  3. Resiliency – When major life crises occur, your children will be ready and resilient with coping strategies. They will have the ability to deal with the problem and move on.
  4. Development – It gives them every opportunity to maximize their development and learning and become the best version of themselves.
  5. Academic Achievement – Learning is social in nature. If there is a trusting relationship with teachers and classmates, if students take some responsibility for their own learning, if they have the opportunity to work together, they will be more motivated and engaged. And if their development is supported, there are more opportunities for learning to occur.
  6. Strong Relationships – They will have confidence in building and sustaining relationships with others including family, teachers, future bosses, spouses, neighbors, and their own children.
  7. Connected Family – It helps build a more trusting, caring family life to promote all members’ sense of well being.
  8. Strong Partnership – It strengthens a partnership through raised awareness and action taken to deepen connections between partners to set the climate for the whole family.
  9. Marketable Skills – Nationally the greatest job growth projected for the next ten years is in educational services, health care, social assistance, professional and business services; fields that require “knowledge workers.” Employers searching for entry level candidates are most concerned about personal traits and social skills.[i] The most critical skills include communication, interpersonal relations, and basic academics such as math, reading, critical thinking, and problem solving.[ii]
  10. Independent, Confident People – Of all of the time and money spent on enrichment activities, excurriculars, toys, and tools, these are the most critical life tools that will enable children to develop into independent, confident, competent adults.

Resource

Zins, J. E., Weissberg, R. P., Wang, M. C., & Walberg, H. J. (2004). Building academic success on social and emotional learning; What does the research say? New York, NY: Teachers College Press


[i] Committee for Economic Development (CED). (1985). Investing in our children. New York: Author.

[ii] Ascher, C. (2000). High school graduates in entry level jobs: What do employers want? ERIC Clearinghouse on Urban Education, New York, NY.

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HOW do you teach kids social and emotional skills?

Every function in the child’s cultural development appears twice: first, on the social level, and later, on the individual level; first, between people and then inside the child.

–          Lev Vygotsky, 1978

What did Nelson Mandela’s Mom do right? How about Mother Theresa’s Mom? I have wondered how the parents of indisputably admirable people who have changed the world through their contributions did it. How did they nurture children who would become so influential to so many people? Like many, my desire as a parent is not to push my child to win the Nobel Peace Prize, but I do want to support his development in becoming a caring, thoughtful person who can significantly, competently contribute. So how do parents influence social and emotional development?

Researchers have found that parents influence their children’s social and emotional development in four key ways.

1. Modeling[i]

Children keenly observe not only your words and actions with them but also, your interactions with neighbors, on the phone, at the supermarket and in turn, they model their words and actions based upon what they’ve observed of yours. It’s a critical way for them to understand how to relate to others. Being aware of what and how you are modeling behaviors can be a powerful teaching tool. For example, you have an angry interchange with your spouse and your child is nearby. Make sure that your child also sees you both take the time and space to cool down and talk through the problem afterward.

2. Coaching[ii]

Like a sports coach, parents remind, reinforce, provide feedback, and build and maintain trust in order to influence behavior. Many parents do this automatically. Social and emotional coaching can provide simple, quick ways to promote positive behaviors, prevent risky or unacceptable behaviors, and provide skill practice. For example, you witness your child struggling with puzzle. Instead of solving the problem for them, you ask good prompting questions such as, “How might you try this piece in a different way?” You provide clues and offer encouragement and celebrate them when they have solved the problem.

3. Creating Practice Opportunities and Experiences[iii]

In day to day life, parents can provide practice opportunities for empathy, feelings identification, perspective-taking, appreciating differences, creative problem-solving, and decision making. You likely already do this to some degree. But being aware of the goals you have for social and emotional skill building and being aware of a child’s developmental readiness can heighten your awareness in looking for opportunities for practice and help you in being more intentional about creating those experiences. For example, there are many small decisions you make in a day for your child and yourself. Are there some that your child could make? He might choose his own clothes in the morning or decide between two options for lunch. These need to be his decisions. So if one option is unacceptable, it’s not a good decision to offer him. He might really feel strongly about wearing plaid with stripes and you have to be okay with that if you’ve allowed him that decision!

4. Creating a Responsive Environment[iv]

Research on parenting styles shows that the most successful parents are the ones who are responsive to children’s needs, both physical and emotional and involved in their development, but not controlling (a.k.a. “helicopter parents”). “The most effective mothers combine reason with loving concern and high expectations for prosocial  behavior.”[v] Creating a responsive environment means that parents are aware of the development of the child, what they are working on and how they can support their development. It also means understanding the emotional climate of the household and how to create conditions that allow for the constructive expression of emotions and ways to manage stress. Sacred spaces in a household permit each person to get away without leaving the house. I tend to retreat to my bedroom and sit in my favorite chair I acquired when I was single prior to family life. Other family members know and respect those spaces so that when there, I am confident that I will be given some time to reflect and be quiet.

You may notice an obvious strategy that does NOT make the top four list and that’s direct instruction. Oh, but we all try it at some point. “Let me show you something…” we may start. And most of the time we are met with an unapologetic rejection particularly when we’ve accidently shown our cards and put some emotion behind it. Just as in dating, when a dater shows the date-e any sign of desperation, she runs for the hills! Children can smell our strong desire to teach them something and often, resist with every fiber of their being. Why? It’s not just you and your child. Your child is not particularly stubborn in this area. Here are a couple of compelling reasons that just may help you the next time you want to teach your child something.

First, think back to a time when your parent tried to teach you something by telling you what to do. Did you learn what they wanted you to learn? It’s possible that you did if you had a high interest in the subject matter or they involved you in an experience that helped you to learn. If they just talked at you, it’s likely you didn’t learn anything and probably felt annoyed by the whole experience. Skip to an image of a class you took that was strictly lecture format, no discussion, no visual aids. That describes my child psychology 101 course in undergraduate school, the content I wanted to pursue in my career. It was a high interest subject area for me yet I learned nothing from the professor who stood in front of the room and read from the textbook in monotone. Here are the percentages for adult learning strategies from the National Training Laboratories. These percentages show how much the learner actually retains of the new knowledge taught:

Lecture 5%

Reading 10%

Audiovisual 20%

Demonstration 30%

Discussion Group 50%

Practice by Doing 75%

Teaching Others 90%

And of course, this applies to child learners too. If you really want to teach your child something, consider one of the top four strategies. Instead of telling them how you hit a baseball, allow them to see you practicing hitting. Give them an opportunity to hit and encourage them. In the same way, give children an opportunity to see you creative problem solving (talk through your process aloud as you go). Find opportunities to allow your children to experience creative problem solving. Instead of offering solutions, ask good questions to facilitate their generation of solutions and remind and reinforce when appropriate to coach them through.

New knowledge and skills are not adopted without connecting to previous knowledge and skills. So make comparisons, relate to something that a child loves to do and an area where your child has already demonstrated proficiency. A child will be able to see how they can build on the competence they already possess to add a new skill.

When my Mom retired from teaching high school English after forty years, she received lots of letters from former students telling her what impacts she had made on their lives. One wrote, “She taught us more than English. She taught us about life.” All the best teachers do. Here’s to our role as our children’s primary teachers and may they say the same about us someday!


[i] Bandura, A. (1977). Self-efficacy: Toward a unifying theory of behavioral change. Psychological Review, 84, 191-215.

Bandura, A. (1977). Social learning theory. Englewood Cliffs, NJ: Prentice-Hall.

[ii] Gottman, J., & Declaire, J. (1997). Raising an emotionally intelligent child; The heart of parenting. NY: Fireside.

[iii] Lave, J., & Wenger, E. (1990). Situated learning: Legitimate peripheral participation. Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press.

[iv] Bronfenbrenner, U. (1979). The ecology of human development: Experiments by nature and design. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

[v] Cole, M., & Cole, S.R. (2001). The development of children. (4th Ed.) NY: Worth Publishers.

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Catching Emotions

“…it’s just emotion that’s taken me over…”

–          Emotion, Bee Gees

The baby books are keen on discussing “emotional contagion,” noting that babies, even in utero, can feel your emotions and tend to adopt those same emotions (just to add to our Mommy guilt!). And certainly you’ve experienced the contagion in your family life. One person has a bad day at work and suddenly, all family members are grumpy and upset about even the smallest things. There’s actually a physiological origin to emotional contagion. Researchers have studied facial muscles during emotional experiences and have found that the muscles in others’ faces mimic the one who is experiencing the strong emotion.[i] Because of this physical reaction, we can’t help but catch some of the emotions of others particularly when they are strong ones. The trick in dealing with this is to recognize that it’s happening when it’s happening and to actively work to change the family climate so that it doesn’t take over a whole Saturday, ruin plans, or escalate normally small, insignificant conflicts into big ones.

What can you do? When another family member catches a cold or flu, you take proactive steps not to catch the cold. In that case, maybe you take some Vitamin C, wash your hands more frequently, and get enough rest. Keeping it simple, here are some ideas for proactively stopping a contagious emotion that threatens to ruin a perfectly good day.

For Small Problems

Pleasantly surprise – I’m not sure anyone has been able to stay mad in our household when chocolate chip cookies are baking in the oven and the smell is wafting throughout the house. Turn things around by offering a pleasant surprise to change the physical and psychological atmosphere in the house when you recognize that the contagion is trying to spread and take hold. The best strategies involve multiple senses. Play some favorite happy music (gentle and calming or upbeat depending upon your audience), bake cookies or brownies, burn a candle with an enjoyable aroma, make a fire in the wintertime, pop popcorn, play a feel-good movie or show, or even go out for a treat.

Find something to laugh about – There are particular family jokes that get a laugh everytime (often they have to do with bodily functions – I know – sophisticated, eh?!). Injecting humor can be the simple remedy needed to turn around a climate in the household. Have a singing fish or whatever strikes your families’ fancy at the ready for just such occasions.

Go to your happy place – Peter Pan[ii] had his happy thoughts to help him find his way to Neverland. Just getting the family out of the house and to a place that makes all members’ happy typically can change the tone of the day. Maybe you enjoy going to the park (places in nature have an added benefit of nourishing your spirit), getting some ice cream, or taking a Sunday drive. Whatever you choose, make it simple and not complicated. You want to make sure that going out doesn’t add to the stress (from traffic jams, long lines, or poor service) but reduces it.

Do something for someone else – I must give full credit to my Mom for this one. She not only said this everytime I was feeling bad but also lived it herself. “Why don’t we make some soup and take it to our next door neighbor?” “Why don’t you just go visit Rosemary and ask her to tell you some stories or memories?” These were regular suggestions in my household. At the time, I didn’t like to admit it, but they really worked. Schools do this through service learning, involving students in service whether in the school or beyond, in the community and then, tying it back to the curriculum. First, it’s an authentic way to put social and emotional skills into practice. And second, it promotes empathy, perspective-taking (understanding another’s perspective), and gratefulness for your own circumstances. Doing something for another can happen just as easily at home. Writing a note for a family member who has been sad with a few words and a smiley face can be just enough to make someone happy and make the giver feel good.

Read a short story together – Reading a short book can take only a few minutes but, if it’s a good one, can take you into another world and produce emotions other than the worry or anger that is trying to take hold.

Get creative – Grab some crayons and a coloring book or some paints and a paintbrush and express. No thinking allowed. It can be mesmerizing and calming to sink into the rhythm of drawing or painting using whatever materials are at the ready. Make sure you have the intent to throw out whatever you produce since it’s about the process, not the product.

For More Serious Problems

Directly address the problem in small manageable steps – The aforementioned series of ideas work if the problems are small and everyone is just a bit grumpy. But when a problem is big and there are great worries and fears on the part of one or all members of the family, then the way to change the family climate also changes. Creating a happy environment and distracting from the problem just won’t be enough when tensions run high. Consider how you might quickly entertain the children for a time (if it’s a partner or both partners that are experiencing worries and fears) by popping in a favorite movie or bringing out a novelty toy and sequester yourself with your partner to really discuss the issues. What’s at the heart of your worries and fears? Are there worst case scenarios going through your brain that, with a little conversation and maybe some research, you can eliminate? How can you seek out more information so that you can take some of those worries off your plate? What supports can you seek out to help with the situation? What action can you take? Try to take small steps toward eliminating your worries even if it’s making a plan or a timeline to take action. How can you combine forces and work together to make things better? Even small steps forward will alleviate some of the stress since you are actively working together toward a solution.

Do something for someone else – This one works with big and small problems. When combined with directly addressing the problem, it’s a one-two punch for feeling better. The reason being that it promotes empathy and puts your own problems in perspective through experience.

Resource

Berenstein, S. & Berenstein, J. (2006). The Berenstein Bears hug and make up. NY: HarperFestival. A story about a day in which the whole Bear family was grumpy with one another until the end of the day when they realized how silly they all were.


[i] Hess, U., & Blairy, S. (2001). Facial mimicry and emotional contagion to dynamic emotional facial expressions and their influence on decoding accuracy. International Journal of Psychophysiology. 40 (2): 129-141.

[ii] Barrie, J.M. (1911). Peter and wendy. Whitefish, MT: Kessinger Publishing.

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Cooling the Fire

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness.                          

– Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities

Ahhh, family life! Being in a family means that all members will witness one another in the best and worst of times. Typically the worst means they are intensely upset about something. That upset is usually a great amalgam of emotions – stress, frustration, anger, hurt, worry, fear. Sometimes it’s difficult to pinpoint what the problem is and which emotion is ruling the day. It’s a great challenge for adults to identify their own emotions so for children, who are still getting a sense of their emotions; how they feel, how to identify them and what they mean, it can be overwhelming. Even teenagers, who have had a bit more life experience than young children, seem to regress at times to their toddler days and they have their own form of meltdowns as they are overcome with hormones raging combined with a sense of the injustice of rules and the pressures of social life.

Multiple coping strategies to deal with the firestorm of emotions and stressors in life are not just helpful, but survival. Consider that most adult-onset illnesses and ailments are stress-induced. Without proper expression of emotions and coping strategies, many bury their emotions and those stresses, with no other outlet, turn into problems within the body. My husband is experiencing back problems as we speak as a direct result of work stress and cannot sit at his computer (his daily stance) without major pain. Medication, exercise and other therapies can assist but he knows that it won’t completely go away until he either changes his mental game or he changes his work circumstances.

Trying to problem solve when emotions are high is frustrating and ultimately, a waste of time. Your brain physically cannot take that leap because it’s kicked into the “fight or flight” response and the rest of your mental abilities are on automatic shut down until you can calm down. That’s why yelling at children when they’ve done something really wrong doesn’t work (but we’ve all been there!).  Their brain has shut down and they either want to run and hide or punch you. In fact, it takes everything in a child’s power not to do one of those two things.  You can test this if you like… if you have had a circumstance where you’ve been upset and yelled at your child, ask later in a calm moment when the upset has passed if the child remembers what you said when you yelled or even why you yelled in the first place. My experience has been, 9 out of 10 times, the child can’t remember so, I have asked myself, what am I teaching him? I know the one thing that he’s going to take away from the experience is that yelling is okay when you are mad or stressed because that’s what I’ve modeled. Ugh!

Here are some very practical ways to teach coping strategies for every age child so that they can have the opportunities to practice and become proficient at dealing with stress.

COPING STRATEGIES:

  1. Create a calm environment (have your calming tools at the ready so that it’s easy to grab and use when the situation arises)
  • Listen to soft music (headphones can be helpful in focusing attention on the music and blocking out the world for a time)
  • Listen to sounds of nature (from a sleeping sound machine or toy that makes bubbles or other soft sounds)
  • Snuggle in your favorite blanket and/or stuffed animal
  • Sit with your comfortable pillow, chair or other place to sit
  • For older children who can go out on their own, being outside in nature is a great place to cool down. For young children, pulling them in a wagon on a walk can be calming or taking a quiet drive.

We set up a favorite four year old size chair in our finished basement with a basket next to it of books about feelings, a book with Grandma’s voice reading a story, crayons and paper, a stuffed animal friend, and a toy that requires blowing a ball to keep it in the air (a.k.a. deep breathing). See Positive Time-Out And Over 50 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles in the Home and Classroom[i]  for a detailed description of how to create a calming down space.

2. Find a physical release

  • Pounding on a pillow
  • Kicking on a bed
  • Throwing a basketball
  • Riding a bike
  • Taking a walk
  • Hitting a tennis ball against an appropriate outdoor surface
  • Drawing or painting using readily accessible materials

It’s helpful to have strategies that can be done immediately inside the house so that they are not weather dependent. Also, they must be safe and of course, acceptable to you. Practice these too! And if it seems silly to practice, then laugh and make it a silly experience to practice. It will pay off when you remind the child to do it when they are really upset and need to express themselves in an acceptable way.

3. Engage in a distraction (use with caution)

  • An enticing picture book
  • A game
  • A television show episode or movie

Distractions can be helpful in calming a child but should only be used temporarily to cool down and to move on to problem solving. If a distraction becomes the only tool utilized, it can become more of a way to escape problems than a temporary way to calm down. Be sure that, if you use a distraction tool, you then have a conversation afterward about how the child was feeling and what the problem was so that it’s not ignored.

4. Practice deep breathing

Try finding a relatable character that makes the sound of deep breathing so that children can mimic that sound. PRACTICE at times when children are not upset. This is critical! For example, chuff like Thomas the Tank Engine[ii] (and practice the chuffing sound as deep breathing), breathe like Darth Vader[iii] (school age children may be more excited by mimicking Darth Vader) , or blow bubbles like Ariel, The Little Mermaid.[iv]  Pre-teen and teens may better relate to the breathing training that star athletes in track and field and swimming undergo to become powerfully in control of their bodies and brains. Slow, deep breathing will actually restore the brain to it’s former full power. It takes the brain out of survival “fight or flight” response and gives the person the ability to reflect on his/her feelings and the problem.


Only after coping strategies are used, can discussion about the problem begin.

Resources

For Parents:

Positive Time-Out And Over 50 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles in the Home and Classroom (Nelsen, 1999) gives simple and straight-forward ideas for creating a safe, supportive cool down space when emotions run high. There are lots of helpful tips for parents on ways to proactively prevent power struggles and teach a sense of responsibility.

To Read with Kids:

Bang, M. (2004). When Sophie gets angry – really, really angry… NY: Scholastic.

For 3 years and up, this is a terrific book for learning about how to deal with angry feelings. Sophie uses all of the strategies in the Cooling the fire article in a way that flows seemlessly. This is terrific!

Spelman, C.M. (2000). When I feel angry. Chicago, IL: Albert Whitman and Company.

This is a helpful picture book appropriate for 3 and up that features a young bunny who finds ways to deal with his anger.

Dewdney, A. (2007). Llama llama mad at mama. NY: Viking.

This is from the author of the best-selling, Llama, Llama Red Pajama. This one is also appropriate for 3 and up and offers an opportunity to discuss getting angry and having a meltdown in a public place.


[i] Nelson, J. (1999). Positive time-out; And over fifty ways to avoid power struggles in the home and classroom. NY: Three Rivers Press.

[ii] Awdry, R.W. (2005). Thomas the tank engine. NY: Random House Books for Young Readers.

[iii] Lucas, G. (1977). Star wars episode IV: A new hope. Box Office Mojo.

[iv] Walt Disney Pictures. (1989). The little mermaid. Adapted from Anderson, H.C., The little mermaid. Walt Disney Pictures.

The Story of Self

   

Tell me a fact and I’ll learn. Tell me a truth and I’ll believe. But tell me a story and it will live in my heart forever.

– Indian Proverb

Understanding who they are is one of the greatest tasks of childhood. Kids love trying on costumes pretending to be super heroes, local heroes (police officer, fireman, doctors), or beautiful princesses. Because they have not defined who they are, there are infinite possibilities. My college philosophy professor made certain that the question “Who am I?” was printed on every one of the 179 handouts he passed out over a semester. My thought as a 19 year old was “What’s this guy on and why is he still allowed in the classroom?” (Although the way he communicated that question may not have been the easiest to relate to, he was right.) The question remains critically important to ask and continually answer as a growing, developing, and ever-changing person.

At this very moment, E, my four year old is watching baby videos of himself trying to figure out who that cute, yet distant person was and how it relates to who he is today. He loves it when I tell the simplest stories about his babydom – how we came up with his name, what we said when we first saw his face, when and how he had his first bath, how he loved sleeping under the lights in the hospital since he was born jaundiced.

You as a parent provide keen insight into a child’s sense of self. The stories that we tell children about who they are – are not only believed but become a part of the stories they tell themselves over and over about who they are. “I am good with animals.” “I don’t have a very good math sense.” “I am strong.” “I am shy.” These are all ideas children may have about themselves that have come from what others have said about them. When children have specific stories about who they are, they work to reinforce those messages, whether negative or positive. We tell E often that he sees details others might miss. So he proves to us often that he posseses this unique skill by pointing out intricasies, like a small, camouflaged spider, everywhere we go to reinforce his competence in this area.

Telling children stories about themselves doesn’t have to be particularly complicated, elaborate or take much preparation and planning. Actually, it’s better that they be short and simple because first of all, you’ll be more game to do it and second, they’ll actually remember it. It must, however, be authentic (true) and specific. Kids of all ages can sense manipulation (from a mile away) so this is not a place to try and build an ability that is lacking by saying it’s already a unique skill. Also, generic praise or compliments such as, “You’re so great!” are difficult to quantify (What does that mean?) and nearly impossible to encourage and replicate (How might I be great in the future? There could be a million ways.)

Take Action!

Appropriate Ages: Any and all

Get started by telling your child stories about him or herself. Here are some simple starters:

When you were only ____ years old,  you told me you wanted to be ___________. You showed me how __________ (strong, persistent, thoughtful, attentive – add descriptive words)___ you could be.

When you were a tiny baby, you didn’t know how to ________ so the first time you tried, you ________________________. We were so proud when you practiced until you could do it all by yourself.

The first trip we ever took as a family was to ___________. You were so excited that you _____________ ahead of time. On the trip, we did lots of fun things including ___________________. You were so brave when you tried ____________ for the first time.

I was so proud when your teacher in ______ grade told me how you __________when__________. That showed courage and persistence.

Family Storytelling

Extend the learning by bringing up your story at a time when the whole family is together like dinnertime. Then, (to promote family identity and connectedness) play pass the story. Have family members think of an instance when you had fun together. Go around the table and tell only one small piece of the story and pass it around so each person has an opportunity to add to the story. Be wary of comments that are sarcastic and make fun of the subject of the story. If a family member contributes that type of comment, be sure and refocus their comments. “This story is only about the good things that Ryan did.”

Resources

Seuss, R., & McKie, R. (1969). My book about me. NY: Random House Books for Young Readers.

Fill in and complete sentences about yourself in this book about your child. Because Dr. Seuss books are such classics, this one could be fun for preschoolers with writing help from parents all the way up through childhood. Pre-teens to teens may even enjoy the nostalgia and simplicity of it.

Kranz, L. (2004). (Rev. Ed.). All about me; A keepsake journal for kids. Lanham, MD: Cooper Square Publishing.

For ages 8 and up, this is a wonderful way to begin journal writing through fun questions that encourage kids to write about their thoughts and feelings.

Hello Fellow Parents!

How do you define success for yourself as a parent and for your kids? For me, bottom line, I want my child to feel confident that he can do and be anything he chooses if he works hard to achieve his goals. In my nearly twenty years working in education, it’s been clear to me that what helps a child achieve goals, whether at school or at home, is supporting his development and creating opportunities to build social and emotional skills such as self awareness, self management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision making.[i] Social and emotional learning has been the process and content of how I have helped schools move from underperforming to achieving. As I became a parent, I noticed I was working hard to translate the work I was doing in schools to my parenting life. I found very few supports for this critical area. So the purpose of this blog is to help parents who are life-long learners and interested in being proactive about supporting their children’s social and emotional development. Not only will I share the best of what educators know about how to support children’s learning with simple, practical ideas to use in family life, I will also create a forum for dialogue so that we together develop a community of parents engaged in doing the best for our kids!

Please read on and share with friends! Check out the sidebar. You can sign up to receive the weekly posts through email. And also, get in touch at confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com and submit questions, challenges, ideas and practices you use. Here’s to you, confident parents raising confident kids!

My best,

Jennifer Miller, M.Ed.

Educational Consultant and Parent


[i] Collaborative for Academic, Social and Emotional Learning (2003). Safe and sound; An educational leader’s guide to evidence-based social and emotional learning programs. Chicago, IL: Author.

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