This illustration is a scene from every summer of my son’s younger years. We would throw a cozy blanket on the backyard lawn and sprawl out with a stack of good books. Sometimes we would read together. Sometimes we would read on our own. Snacks would typically be involved. And the glory of summer reading would commence! As he has grown into an independent teen, I tend toward using a chair in the garden and read on my own as he does his independent teen things but yet, I still bask in the glow of summer reading. There’s a freedom to our reading choices when the sun gleams bright and the dappled shade glimmers and shimmers with polka dots of light on the lawn. Somehow the kick-off-your-shoes nature of summer invites us to take reading less seriously and deep dive into magical worlds, suspending the real one for awhile. As I write, I hear the breeze blowing and the blue jays cawing calling me outside.
At Confident Parents, Confident Kids, we have written, revised, and rewritten our book recommendations every year – as true book lovers tend to do to stay current. Some are serious and take a learning agenda in the area of our role as parents. Summer can be a time for our own personal growth, awareness raising, and deepening of our understanding as we retreat and renew. Our children’s books and teen books offer a wide range from fantastical worlds, to travel and social and cultural awareness in this world, to mind-expanding nonfiction. It’s all here. And it’s all been curated with the social and emotional developmental lens in mind.
So check out our recommended lists. Find your favorite kid and your favorite stack of new books, get outside, and get reading! Enjoy!
My Dad knew how to play — and still does! As I look back, some of my fondest memories of my childhood were the ways in which may Dad would initiate play. He would…
take me on a trip to space using only our IMAGINATIONS. We would each sit in one of the family room recliners. We’d lean as far back as we could go, close our eyes, and we were off! He’d describe the rumble of the engines starting up, the intense fire erupting blast off, passing the sound barrier, the disengagement of our boosters and finally the quiet, calm incredible beauty of space. I remember those trips as magical.
take me on an ADVENTURE in our city. On a given Sunday, he would say, “let’s go for a drive!” Neither of us had any clue where we were off to. He’d pack his camera so he was prepared to photograph. And I would call out, “go left here.” We’d end up in a part of our city we had never explored before. We would find old railroad yards and get out and explore. And I learned that there were wonders to be discovered even and especially in areas that seemed forgotten.
create rituals to turn everyday experiences SACRED. Though there were numerous and varied ways he created these experiences, one simple and memorable one was the sun salute. Each summer, when we went to the beach and swam in the ocean together, he would initiate the sun salute. It was ultimately gratitude for the sun, for the ocean, and for the time to play together.
These are just a few examples of how my Dad showed me a life of creativity, enchantment, and play. And he did it with his grandson too through puppets and silly games and lots of laughter. Most of all, he listens to me, really listens. He pays attention to the concerns of my heart and gives me trusted space to express myself.
Words cannot express my gratitude to my Dad for all that he has and continues to give to me just by being himself. And I count myself blessed to have two other Dads – my loving partner, Dad to our son, and my father-in-law who also both bring so much joy to our lives.
How will you recognize the intrinsic gifts your father – or a father in your family – gave/gives you this Father’s Day?
If you are a father, how can you embody the best of what Dads can be with your family?
Ideas for Setting Up Simple Home Structures for Summer Fun and Parental Sanity
“Mom, what do you really want to do this summer?” my son asked me during our bedtime pillow talk last night. I had to think. I wanted my summer sunshine dreams of lemonade stands, library visits, and creeking at local parks to roll off my tongue but instead, my mind was a-jumble.
In our race to the finish line of school, my head is swimming with work agendas and classroom parent tasks to complete. It wasn’t easy to get my mind quickly focused on summertime fun though that’s precisely the hope of my ten-year-old boy. And as I attempt to, waves of anxiety tend to rush through my veins as I figure out the windows of time in which I can accomplish work during those sunny summer days in the midst of playtime.
This was written five years ago and so much has changed including the fact that my son doesn’t “play” anymore but instead “hangs out.” At ten, his head came to the crux of my arm and today, I crane my neck to look up at him. We, however, yet again will have a conversation about summer boundaries and routines as a family. With a teen, you may consider the list I’ve included to tailor your boundaries to your own family’s specific assets and challenges.
I know that if I take some time over the coming weeks to do some collective summer dreaming while establishing some “lite” routines, our summer will be filled with cooperation, shared responsibility, and opportunities for those precious moments of spontaneity — the ones that I truly want to define our summer.
So with that in mind, here are the ways in which we’ll establish a foundation for fun. Perhaps some of these tips will help your household enjoy the summer as well.
Take Time for Sunny Summer Dreaming.
Grab a poster board or newsprint and brainstorm together a list of favorite activities you want to be sure and get in over the summer. Separate into “at home” and “out.” Make sure there are some ideas that can be done as solo play. Hang it on the refrigerator or somewhere you can refer to it throughout the summer. This serves as a terrific way to anticipate the fun of summer and can be an invaluable support for pointing to when your child comes to you bored and unsure of how to spend his/her time. I’ve done this every summer with great success. At ten, my son took the initiative himself without prompting and wrote out thirty-five ideas for summer fun! Now that he’s 15, we simply talk about our hopes and dreams and make some plans together.
Talk about Your Routine “Lite.”
Though you may be eager to relinquish the rigor of the daily school routine, children still thrive with some sense of predictability. So talk about changes in your routine while your family is together. Consider your morning, bedtime and meal times and other transitions in the day. How will things stay the same? How will things change? Perhaps, you’ll agree that getting dressed should happen by a certain time in the morning? Having this discussion can help set expectations for the summer and also provide that sense of stability children can thrive on through routines.
Sure, you may be out of the house some days during a typical quiet time. But consider assigning a particular time of day to serve as a quiet time whenever you are around the house. After lunch could work, late afternoon or right before dinner. Turn off devices and media. Haul out blankets and books. You could include snacks. But it should be a time when all in the household “power down” and take it easy. Set the expectation for this at the beginning of summer and kids will assume it’s part of their summer routine.
Create a Simple Camp or Pool Checklist
Is there a place you tend to go daily in the summertime whether it’s day camp or a pool? Make sure you’ve set up your children for success in getting ready and out of the door with ease. Create a simple checklist together of what’s consistently needed. Bug spray? Check. Sun tan lotion? Check. Water bottle? Check. Use a dry erase board and kids can actually check off items each day. It will help them take responsibility for their own preparation and you won’t have to become the summertime nag!
Discuss Responsibilities and Consider Adding a Job List
Hopefully, your children understand their household responsibilities throughout the year. But anytime there is a transition, it’s a good moment to revisit. And you may consider one added responsibility to contribute to the household that’s age-appropriate since there tends to be more time in the summer. In addition, if you’re child is eager to earn money but too young to go out and get a job, you may consider putting together a list of jobs beyond their typical responsibilities such as, sweeping the first floor carpet for a $1.00. This will add to their practice of taking responsibility for jobs and offer a chance for your child to earn money this summer while helping you out! Consider a time when you do chores and offer that time for all family members to work together.
Avoid a daily battle or the chance your child might become addicted to screens and not flourish through multiple activities this summer beyond screens. Learn as a family the reasons why it’s important to limit screen time. Focus on the positive benefits of using time in other ways. Then, be clear together about what limits you’ll agree upon.
The warmer weather brings about so many opportunities for laughter and exploration together. May your summer be filled with those kinds of magical moments with your children, teens and whole family!
If your family is like my own, you are in the final flurry of school days. Your flurry may involve art shows, concerts, field days, and celebration picnics. If you have older students, they may be chin-deep in final projects, exams, and presentations. And you might be working hard on teacher cards and gifts of appreciation along with volunteering for these final celebratory events.
But soon, our students will say goodbye to their teachers, their classmates, and their studies and dive into the freedom and glory of summer days with all the promise of joyful play that the sunshine allows. There is, however, a transition that takes place moving from a very structured, very focused, very goal-oriented school year to the less-structured or differently-structured routines of family life. Families often don’t get to participate in these end-of-the-school-year rituals that assist students in that transition yet we want to be a part of it. And in fact, our support of the transition can ensure that, when home together more, we get along smoothly, that we can cooperate on co-creating summer rules and routines, and we move into this next season with hope and a sense of support and teamwork.
So if you are wondering how you might support this transition at home, here’s a simple tool to introduce at the dinner table or wherever you gather to reflect on this important year of learning for your child or teen and your family that is coming to a close.
Spin the wheel of reflection on this past school year. Take a moment to answer a few questions at a time when you are together and recall the major influences – people, places and events – that shaped your learning this school year. For us as parents – the school year/work year is always a learning opportunity too. Whether you respond as a parent partner to your child’s school, a parent volunteer, or a parent support at home or as a professional, be sure you take your own turn and answer the questions for you.
Who
Who had the biggest impact on your learning? Tell a story about how they supported you.
Who did you learn the most about? How did your view of them change over the course of the year? What do you appreciate about them now?
Who did you learn about in class that impacted you? What did you learn from them?
What
What did you learn that changed you or had a major impact on your perspective?
What did you learn about how you like to learn or prefer to learn?
What new idea or fact did you learn that you are excited to continue to learn more about?
What are you grateful for from this past school year?
When
When, during the school year, did you feel the best, most empowered and inspired? What can you learn from that?
When did you feel the most anxious, insecure, nervous? What can you learn from that?
When did you feel bored or disengaged? What can you learn from that?
When did you feel excited and challenged? When did you feel frustrated and challenged? What was the difference?
Where
Where did you experience the most significant learning this year? Why do you think that was the case?
Where did you feel safest and at your best? Why?
Where did you feel unsafe or scared or uncertain? What can you learn from that?
Why
Why was this school year important to you?
Why did you choose the friends you choose this year?
Why do you love (insert what you love… your school, your classmates, your friend, your teacher, your favorite subject)?
How
How did you learn best this year (what conditions, people, supports, ways of learning)?
How did you show your kindness to others this year? How did others show kindness to you?
How did you deal with your toughest assignments, tests, or projects? Did it work?
Print out this version of the Reflection Spinning Wheel. And here are the printable questions. If you are so inspired, cut out the circle and place it on a cardboard backing. Use a pushpin in the center to anchor the circle but allow for the wheel to spin. Make an arrow on the cardboard backing to signify where the pointer will go and what question to land on. You need not tackle every question. You may take a few spins in one sitting and really savor the stories that emerge from the asking. Perfect for teachers to use too!
Classic educational philosopher John Dewey said, “we don’t learn from experience, we learn from reflecting on experience.” Allow your whole family to do some valuable reflecting together on this past school year – the significant relationships cultivated, the knowledge acquired, the shaping experiences. Promote the higher order thinking skill of meta-cognition or thinking about their thinking so that your children begin to learn more about the ways in which they learn best. These are fundamental lessons that will serve them well through their school career and follow them well beyond into their lifelong learning future!
Among the many celebrations, final projects, proms, and graduations, there are also many goodbyes that play out at the end of the school year. This year, it feels more dramatic than other years though there are always goodbyes in May. Favorite teachers are moving on. Our son has befriended numerous seniors who have just enjoyed their final day and (literal) run from the school. Professionally, we — co-writer (and partner) Jason and I — are ending a Leadership Lab at our son’s high school in which we’ve grown close relationships and a deep investment in teachers, students, and parents’ success. There are so many goodbyes to say over the coming weeks.
It seems there’s an art and a science to saying goodbye. Though it may happen in an instant, more typically, goodbyes are a process over time. They can be filled with a range of emotions including sadness, fear of the unknown, excitement over what’s next, gratitude, resignation, and even, denial. One of the many nuggets of wisdom I recall from the play, “Hamilton,” is the notion of George Washington teaching the country to say goodbye. In essence, we too have that opportunity in the month of May. We can teach our children and our teens how to say goodbye. And what a critical life skill it is! If we do it well, we’ll feel the feelings associated with our goodbyes moving all the way through them to the other side. And that feeling-all-the-way-through will help us become fully present to our new beginnings like the promise of summer fun, freedom, and adventures.
Depending on who and why we are saying goodbye, our experience may be very different including the emotions we’ll be experiencing.
If we engage in the process of saying goodbye fully, we’ll share our gratitude and appreciations in meaningful ways. We’ll feel the fullness of our experience with that person. And we’ll give them our best send off as we wish them well on their way to whatever future awaits.
If we engage in the process of saying goodbye fully, we’ll feel the sadness, the bittersweetness that comes from watching someone we care about move on. We’ll relish in the best of our times together and what they’ve taught us that will indeed live on in our hearts and spirits. And as we let go, we’ll feel the fullness of being better having known them for a season and a reason. Those are the ways of the heart, – our experiences and expressions – or the art of saying goodbye.
The science of saying goodbye tells us that “well-rounded endings,” or the feeling that you’ve done everything you can to complete the experience with the person to the fullest degree possible, lead to the highest positive feelings leaving little regret and easing the transition to the new in the best way possible. In studies of students who studied abroad, for example, those who had a well-rounded ending – a ritual or a connecting goodbye – experienced more positive feelings afterward, held less regret about missing out on other experiences, and had an easier time transitioning back home.1
In this busy time, we can skip the process of saying goodbyes, avoid our feelings, and instead, perform the logistical tasks required of the moment. Buy a card. Stick a potted plant on a desk. Race to the next task. And the get-it-done style may check off the boxes on our lengthy list but it misses the significant opportunity of modeling and teaching your children how to say goodbye.
Here are some ways in which to engage in the well-rounded ending that will bring your school year to meaningful close and demonstrate the value of the relationships forged over the past year.
Write down the impact the person has had on your life.
On a recent stay with my parents, both lifelong educators, I came across my Mother’s retirement album. Every page of the album was filled with layers of note cards and letters from students who took the time to not just say thank you, but explain why and how my Mom made a difference in their learning and their life. And now in her retirement, she returns to read those notes on particularly challenging days when she needs a reminder that she’s truly made a meaningful impact on people. As you consider the teachers, administrators, and pupil support staff who have made an impact on you, your child, and/or your family, take the time to write it down and get specific. Spend time with your child or teen coming up with the content to incorporate their thoughts and feelings. Or spend a little time in a dinner conversation considering educators’ impacts and turn those into a letter. Perhaps pass the letter around for each member who has been impacted to contribute a paragraph. Your reflections just may be carefully placed in an album to offer emotional sustenance as that person ages far beyond your time together.
Draw and create art to show your gratitude.
Art can be one of the sincerest expressions of the heart. You may have a child that naturally gravitates to the drawing board. If you do, then encourage a piece of art that reflects your child’s appreciation for their teacher. Don’t want to draw? Print off photos of your child’s work from a class and make a collage. This can become a lasting keepsake for a teacher.
Mark the occasion with a meaningful and reflective gathering.
Are you saying goodbye to a group of people – a team, a committee, a class? Though this time of year is filled with events, people make a priority of attending ending gatherings so why not host one? It need not be elaborate. It could take place at school so that it’s convenient for students, teachers, and parents alike. Make your gathering meaningful by not only serving sweet treats but also, giving each person the opportunity to reflect on each other’s contributions and offer gratitude for your experiences together. Take a page from our high schoolers who sign one another’s yearbooks with expressions of appreciation. Hang a poster for each person to sign and write appreciations or have note cards at the ready and ask people to write and then give to others at the gathering.
Create a ritual.
If it’s a graduation year for your child, you have a milestone ritual to look forward to. But if not, creating a ritual can be a way to mark the transition and create a well-rounded goodbye. Perhaps your ceremony involves offering a new class a resource you’ve created or wisdom nuggets to pass on from your learning. Jason’s choir had a ceremony in which they robed the new incoming choir members in a procession with music. Though a ritual requires some thought about what might be meaningful to participants, it can create memories that last a lifetime and seal the goodbye with that full circle feeling of satisfied completion.
Because schools are central to our family’s lives and our children’s learning, they are the places of numerous beginnings and endings. If we are feeling sad about saying goodbye, that indicates that there was a richness and an importance in your life that you will miss or that you recognize as a treasure. I hope you’ll take some quiet moments to consider how you are creating meaningful, well-rounded endings with your family. May your goodbyes this season include taking the time to linger in the gratitude for the many who have made a difference in your own and your children’s lives.
References:
Schwörer, B., Krott, N. R., & Oettingen, G. (2020). Saying goodbye and saying it well: Consequences of a (not) well-rounded ending. Motivation Science, 6(1), 21–33. https://doi.org/10.1037/mot0000126
And Ideas for Parents and Educators on Ways to Manage It
By Erin Lillie-McMains
When you think of the topic, “coping with anxiety,” what comes to mind? Perhaps you think of tried and true techniques such as deep breathing, visualization, or cognitive reframing. Or maybe you think of less clinical but still highly effective coping strategies such as laughing with a friend over a cup of coffee, going for a jog, or listening to a curated playlist that brings a sense of calm and peace. Coping strategies are many and varied, and often highly specific to the person using them.
As a middle school social worker and parent of two teens and a pre-teen, I really can’t think of a topic that comes up more frequently than anxiety. The changes that accompany adolescent development; physical, cognitive, emotional, and social cause even the most “typical” middle schooler to experience periods of heightened anxiety. If you factor in those students who have experienced trauma, learning challenges, mental health diagnoses, economic stress, or recent immigration, the anxiety numbers continue to climb. Top all of this off with a global pandemic and well, it’s no wonder we are seeing anxiety at never-before-seen rates.
As with any crisis, the opportunity for imagination, innovation, and problem solving is rich and many schools, mental health practitioners, and parents have stepped up. It’s rather commonplace in many middle schools for twelve-year-olds to recognize they are feeling anxious before a test and to know at least three breathing techniques they can use before starting the test. I’ve had numerous students explain to me the neurological phenomenon of fight, flight, or freeze and be able to tell me which of the three affect them the most. They’ve learned all about mental health and the brain in their Health classes. We have homerooms that practice mindfulness, multiple ways for students to reach out to school mental health staff if they need assistance calming anxious thoughts, and parent newsletters and special speakers to help families know how to support their anxious adolescent. Schools and families are doing remarkable things and trying in earnest to help our kids experience more calm.
However, in the last few years, I’ve found myself wondering about something that, at first glance, may not seem related to anxiety at all. It is the ever increasing use of digital education platforms with the capability to provide near-instant feedback about grades. To be clear, the platforms themselves are not necessarily the problem. They are amazing tools that help teachers organize loads of educational data and carefully track students’ progress. Thankfully, it is far less likely than it used to be for a teacher to not notice that a student is failing Science until the end of the term. Teachers can conference with students early in the decline process and help them make adjustments and get back on track.
In fact, as with so many modern phenomena, education platforms with rapid evaluative feedback came along and seemed like the antidote to anxiety. Are you worried about your child’s grades? Just log on to Infinite Campus at midnight and check. Anxious that your child might not be learning Algebra well enough to progress to Geometry? You can check Power School and see every score on every Algebra assessment throughout the months of January and February. If you’re a 7th grader and really want to make high honor roll, you can calculate your grade at any point in time and know exactly what score you need to get on tomorrow’s quiz in order to maintain your “A.” It’s all accessible at the click of a mouse or the tap of an iPhone screen. So easy! So stress free! Or is it?
One of the most powerful anxiety buffers during adolescent development is a sense of agency. As children emerge from elementary school, they start to become more abstract and critical thinkers. They are less intent on pleasing teachers and adults, and they definitely have their own opinions…on everything. Yes, they meant to style their hair that way. Yes, those mismatched socks look good with Crocks. Why would you even question it? (massive eye roll). They need to differentiate themselves from their family of origin. They need to seek new adventures in asserting their independence. They need to call the shots in their own life. Of course, they are far from ready to call all the shots and still need a tremendous amount of careful guidance. This is what makes parenting adolescents so hard at times. They want you near and often want your advice, but when you offer it, they sharply reject it and go a different route. But that rejection is more about them testing out their newfound sense of agency than a reflection on our best advice, and it is 100% NORMAL. My concern is that online education platforms that provide rapid evaluative feedback to students and parents take away a good amount of student agency. This, in turn, may quite unintentionally be contributing to student (and parent!) anxiety.
I’m going to show my age here, but remember back in the day when you did lousy on a quiz or test and your parents had no idea? First of all, you didn’t even get the quiz or test back for a week because well, all those red ballpoint pen comments take a while. Secondly, by the time you got it back, your parents had completely forgotten you took it. I remember a lot of dinner table conversations with my parents that included the question, “Well, I know you don’t know the results yet, but how do you think you did?” Maybe I thought it went amazingly well and told them so. Maybe I thought it went terribly but still told them it went amazingly well. The point is, I had a lot of control and autonomy in that conversation to decide how much or how little to share, and they were going to forget about it in a few days anyway. I’d get my quiz back and choose whether or not to bring it up again. They really had zero knowledge of my individual performance on daily assignments, book reports, quizzes, and tests unless a teacher called them. They simply saw a black and white printed report card four times a year and figured that all those individual grades along the way were calculated correctly and life went on.
By sharp contrast, middle and high schoolers today know every score on every piece of work submitted during the quarter and their parents do as well. Not only do they know the score, they often know it within an hour of it being completed. The cycle goes something like this: The teen turns in a quiz. The teacher uses plan time an hour later to grade and input the score into the educational platform. The student, now in 5th period Language Arts, briefly wanders off task (I mean, their Chromebook is open anyway so who really knows if they are working on the assigned essay or checking grades?) The student sees they got a “D” and immediately starts feeling anxious, thinking about how this conversation is going to go with their parents after school and about the total point value so far this quarter and how many points they will have to recover in order to finish the quarter with an “A.” (By the way, the essay is no longer happening due to a lack of concentration caused by anxiety so that’s another homework task for this evening post soccer, violin, and SAT prep class). Meanwhile, the parent is working from home and gets a cheery “ping!” telling them that a grade has been inputted in the educational platform, so they briefly wander away from work and check on the grade. Seeing it’s a “C,” their anxiety level spikes and they immediately start thinking about the conversation they are going to have with their teen that evening and wondering what could have possibly gone wrong on this quiz. Although the parent knows they should return to work and handle this later, curiosity takes over and their anxiety coupled with the anxiety that they know their child is probably now feeling while sitting in 5th period causes them to email the teacher. “Is there any way this quiz was graded incorrectly?” “Can she retake the quiz tomorrow at lunch or after school?” “Do you think we need to hire a Math tutor?” The teacher receives this email just before his lunch break and although he knows this is his downtime and it is important to unplug and relax a little (after all, the principal just talked about professional boundaries and burnout prevention at the last staff meeting), he also knows this is just another task he’ll have to do after school so he decides to reply to the email now.
We could keep going with this exercise, but honestly if you’ve followed it this far I’m impressed. Dare I ask…are you feeling anxious?The point is that while digital education platforms are incredible in their ability to hold and organize data and to communicate numeric scores with students and parents, we must help students and families use them in beneficial ways. I fear that when they are used with no guardrails and no parent guidance, they take away that sense of control and agency many adolescents need. Rather than lower student anxiety levels they actually raise them. My high schooler tells me some of her friends get super stressed when their parents text them during the school day asking about an assignment that just got flagged as “missing”. I’ve worked with students at my middle school going through extreme emotional hardship and adjustment issues. Despite caring teachers telling them not to worry about specific grades, these students compulsively check the education platform twenty times a day to calculate points and averages. They feel defeated every time they see a low score. Students who suffer with anxiety, obsessive thoughts, or perfectionism also tend to over-focus on scores and points, checking the platform every five minutes until that last lab score has been entered and they can be assured they will maintain their “A+.” Even students who are fairly high functioning and emotionally healthy are prone to getting overly focused on scores and points, which takes away from the joy, adventure, healthy risk-taking, and the resulting failure that should be involved in the learning process.
So what can be done to bring about some healthy boundaries when using digital education platforms that provide rapid feedback? As with most challenges, there is not a one-size-fits-all solution. Children are different. Families are different. Circumstances are different. Let’s explore a few possibilities.
Engage parents in conversations not only about the nuts and bolts of using the digital education platform, but also about how often to check their student’s grades. Schools can offer emotionally supportive guidance on how to bring up tough topics such as missing assignments and low grades with their child. Schools can look for natural times that parents are in the building such as Back-to-school nights, Curriculum Nights, Parent-Teacher Conferences, Principal Coffees, or PTA meetings and have handouts prepared. Maybe when parents stop by the tech help desk to figure out how to reset their password, they can also get a tip sheet that prompts them to think about the best boundaries for their child. Perhaps when Chromebooks are issued, the forms sent home to parents include this tip sheet so that right from the beginning, parents are thinking about their individual child and what boundaries would work best.
Some schools have started to limit online platform access, actually turning it off during certain hours. This requires a good deal of collaboration between school communities, parents, and technology teams, but it’s an interesting idea that’s worth considering. Perhaps a district decides the platform will not be accessible after 9:00pm or before 7:00am. Maybe the platform is shut down on Saturdays. It could even be shut down during the majority of school hours so as not to serve as a distraction to students who need to focus deeply on their learning.
Parents can consider their notification settings and adjust them to what brings a sense of healthy boundaries. If you know you are a worrier and have difficulty focusing on anything other than the “D” you just saw pop up on your child’s grade report, consider turning those notifications off. Many families have successfully navigated this territory by setting aside one day a week with their child to log onto the platform together and check grades. Maybe it’s a Friday night ritual. Celebrate the successes of the week and check for any missing work that could be addressed over the weekend.
Parents can plan ahead emotionally and behaviorally for how they want to handle a low grade or missing assignment. I had parents ask, “How do I keep my own anxiety in check when I look at those missing assignments?” First of all – breathe. Remember: You were a teenager at one time too. You bombed quizzes and forgot to turn in assignments. What would your mental state have been like if your parents saw every assignment, quiz, or test grade every day? Be aware of your emotional reaction to the notifications. If you just saw a missing assignment pop up on your phone and then your son walks through the door five minutes later, is now the best time to address it? Are you calm enough? It’s also helpful to just ask your child, “Hey, if I see something concerning about a missing assignment, how do you want me to bring it up? I want to help you stay on track, but I don’t want to stress you out.”
Finally, adolescents should be part of the solution! I’ve seen a huge shift in recent years as students start to learn more about their own mental health through Tier 1 social and emotional learning (SEL) curricula and excellent Health and Wellness classes. I’ve had precious moments in my office with teary sixth graders saying, “ I know I’m probably feeling more emotional right now because of puberty and my changing brain.” Teens understand their emotions and brains in a way my generation certainly never did, so why not educate them on the effect of checking their grades ten times a day and how to set healthy boundaries? They are already having similar conversations about their phone use and Social Media, so this would just be a natural extension of those familiar topics.
We are making good progress in the area of anxiety and there are passionate, dedicated, and thoughtful educators and parents committed to continuing this improvement. In addition to stress balls, deep breathing, and mindfulness meditations, we need to have difficult and nuanced conversations about the benefits and disadvantages of rapid performance feedback on educational platforms and how we can empower all involved to use them to their fullest potential while also setting healthy boundaries.
Erin Lillie-McMains is an L.C.S.W. and middle school social worker in the greater Chicagoland area. She has worked with adolescents for twenty-four years and helped a school based team implement Social Emotional Learning curricula. Most importantly, she is a parent of two high schoolers and one middle schooler.
Despite the fact that my son goes to an excellent school, there are a handful of impactful teachers who announced they are leaving this year. Why we ask? There are rumblings of how little they get paid and how much out of work time they spend on their jobs. There’s also been a turnover with top leadership. And with new leadership coming in, we can imagine the unpredictabilities of how it will change their work lives and especially, their autonomy. With those insights, it’s no wonder.
Teacher and school leadership attrition rates have been a long-standing problem in education that seems to have been exacerbated during and since the pandemic. In Ohio, for example, the starting salary for a teacher is hovering just slightly above poverty level income for a family of four. How is that acceptable for those who share the awesome responsibility of educating our children? But of course, there are other factors that also influence retention. How much leadership support does a teacher have? How much autonomy do they have in the classroom? How much support and collaboration goes on between and among teachers? Interestingly, one factor that is not mentioned at all by the Learning Policy Institute in their data analysis is a teacher’s relationships with students and parents. Though we know, they can have a powerful impact.
Every teacher and educational leader wants to know that they are making an impact. They want to feel they are achieving their purpose and that students have learned a significant amount through their classes. And all too often, they hear complaints — whether from students, parents, or both — about the workload, the curriculum, or grading. This is an area where we have some influence and control. We can offer specifics on how they’ve changed our lives for the better.
So as we approach Teacher Appreciation Week, May 6-10, it’s worth taking some time to think through which teachers have truly impacted your children’s learning and in turn, your family, for the better. At our school, they are organizing meals and massages, but as I ask teachers what matters most to them, it’s the feedback from students and families that confirm they are in the right place. Here are some ways to show those important individuals that you treasure their contributions to educating your child.
Reflect as a family.
Spend some time at the dinner table or riding in the car when you are together talking about your child or teen’s teachers. We definitely hear about the problem times from our children. We hear about the test that was so long and hard and the assignment that was way too challenging. But we may have to dig a little for the positives. Sometimes, launching into the subject can stir stories from your child and teen.
Here are a few conversation prompts to get you started:
I notice your teacher is ____________ (insert asset: kind, caring, understanding, creative). Have you noticed that too? When was that the case?
I wonder how this school year was different from other years. What class did you love the most? What classroom activity did you love the most?
Your teacher seemed particularly helpful this year. Did you notice there was a time when you were struggling and s/he helped you?
What do you think you learned most this year? And how did that learning happen?
2. Record the stories and reflections.
When you can, write down what you heard! It can be on a simple notecard or if you have the time, involve your child or teen in writing and drawing a card. As I page through my Mom’s retirement album after teaching for forty years, every page of it contains letters and notes from students and parents over the years that fill an entire album. She’s saved every one and she reads through them when she needs a boost. This reflections can make all the difference when a teacher is asking the question: what impact am I making?
3. Encourage in-person feedback.
With those teachers who are leaving this year, I’ve talked with my son about how he will express his appreciation. Often, children and teens are reluctant to talk with teachers. After all, they are authority figures and our children may need some encouraging. My son decided he was going to sit in on a few of the final classes of his favorite history teacher to show he is soaking in those last opportunities with him. A small child may offer appreciation through a hug or a few words of thank you. Middle school age students who tend to resist communication with adults may feel better handing a teacher a note rather than speaking up themselves. And, of course, a voice mail message or email from a parent or a stop by their classroom with words of appreciation can make a teacher’s day.
Those teachers who pour all of their passion into teaching their students are invaluable and can leave an indelible mark on our children. Be sure you take a little time this season to get specific about the ways in which they’ve made a difference with you and your family!
This week, we recognize the hard work and commitment of so many parents and caregivers who volunteer as coaches, as mentors, as room parents, as PTA members, and a wide range of other roles. As they do, they create more caring and participatory school communities and play roles that schools simply don’t have the funding or capacity to fulfill. We know that these parents and caregivers who are actively contributing to our schools have the potential to make a significant difference in creating a sense of safety, belonging, and community focused on our children’s well-being, learning, and thriving.
We realize that volunteering for your children’s school is a privilege and a luxury that not all can enjoy. For single parents, for parents who work multiple jobs, or in other circumstances, families care deeply and are passionate about their children’s education, but volunteering is just not possible. So to those parents and caregivers, we appreciate you and your particular circumstances. We plan to prepare parents who are able to volunteer with the skills and strategies to include all families including those who may not be able to attend events. If we learn ways in which to invite all in — in the ways in which they are capable — we’ll discover we are stronger together.
The lives of our children and our teens can easily be relegated to indoor time as they go to school and participate in extracurriculars like sports in gyms and music or plays in theaters. And when at home, they go on their devices to connect with friends or scroll through social media. Because of our ever-growing fascination with and use of technology, we find ourselves with less and less time to go outside. This creates further disconnections between ourselves and nature. Our kids may not feel a sense of responsibility to the environment because of this disconnect. And truly in order to invest our time, money, and precious resources in anything, we require a safe, caring relationship. So how are we helping our family cultivate a relationship with nature?
First, since a caring relationship is necessary, how can you engage your children in showing care? I asked some families how they get outside and here’s what I heard:
We go to a local park every day after school to play and get out that Spring energy.
I take my kids out to look for birds during their great migration. We head to a different park each time we are free and try and identify the type of birds we see through binoculars.
My son loves to go creeking. He puts on protective boots and we head to a creek with friends as soon as the weather permits.
We love to take bike rides.
We pick out seeds and plant them in our yard together.
Earth Day has been celebrated since 1970 and now, the entire month of April is considered Earth month in an effort to call attention to how we all need to care for our home planet. Perhaps just making a commitment to get outside with your family more might be one simple step you can take to create a more caring relationship between your family and nature? Watch this poem by Amanda Gordon titled “Earthrise” to feel inspired to do more to care for our planet!
Here are a few more ideas of steps you can take with your family to recognize the importance of our home planet this month:
Connect
Simply spending time in nature whether it involves walking to your nearest patch of grass, heading to a local park or traveling to a state or national park. Make sure when you do you, you create the conditions to become fully present and aware. Put devices away. Notice the details of the environment. Use all of your senses to guide your noticing. What can you see? Smell? Taste? Hear? Touch?
Bring nature journals or drawing pads with you to fine-tune your attention on the details together.
2. Care
Learning together to care for your environment helps children learn about their role and responsibility with the natural world around them. Create a small garden if you have a yard or find a sunny window to grow plants. Start small! When you buy seeds or starters, be sure and read about the needs of the plant. How much sun do they need? Plant food? Soil condition? Amount of watering? Then, plant and work on caring for those plants together.
Visit a grocery store with your child that carries local produce and/or meats and seafood. Note which foods you buy are locally sourced. Take note of where non-local foods are from and consider the kinds of transportation necessary to get it to you. Before eating dinner together, share gratitude for all those people and the natural resources involved in bringing you your meal.
3. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle
Discuss water use in your household. How can you fill the dishwasher thoroughly or the washing machine before you run a load? Children can learn to turn off the water while they are brushing their teeth. Create a rain barrel to reuse rain water when watering your lawn or garden. These steps may seem small and even insignificant but they do offer ways in which to teach your children to pay attention to how they use natural resources like water.
Take a family trip to the local dump. As you drive, discuss what you tend to throw away. Assign someone as a scribe to write down what items could be rinsed and recycled. Make sure you have recycle bins in the house and your children know how to look for the triangle to determine whether the item can be recycled.
This past year, our family began participating in a compost program. We save all of our food scraps and take them to a booth in our local farmer’s market. They, in turn, take all of the refuse and turn it into compost. We have marveled at the volume of food scraps that are now headed to composting that will nourish new crops that were previously filling the landfill.
4. Learn
If you do spend more time in nature camping or hiking in a state or national park, take the time to learn before your next trip how to leave no trace. Check out the site: Seven Principles of Leave No Trace.
Or in your own home or when you travel, discover what native lands you are on and learn about those tribes. Download the Native Lands app on your phone and use wherever you roam. Learn about how indigenous peoples related to the land and preserve natural resources and find out what practices you might try out in your own life.
As I talk to parents about what they want to teach their children and the legacy they want to leave behind, I often hear that individuals want to leave the world a better place than they found it. One important way we can do that is to examine how we support, care for and help grow the natural resources that surround us and support us each day so that they are around for generations to come.
Check out these terrific children and teen books to support your conversation:
Braiding Sweetgrass for Young Adults – learn more about how indigenous wisdom leads us to create a reciprocal relationship with all living things including the Earth herself.
Even at the adolescent age of fourteen, Colby and I can still talk about anything. This didn’t happen by accident; it was intentional. I started working at a charter school that emphasizes social and emotional learning (SEL) when Colby was just a baby, and the practices that helped me to develop students into critical thinkers, problem solvers, and empathetic human beings also greatly helped my parenting as I navigated the many challenging topics that came up.
Whether we attend to it or not, kids are actively making sense of the world all the time. Their sense-making informs the way they interact with others, the way they see themselves, and the impact they have on the world around them. Like most parents, I often wondered about when it would be the right age to discuss certain challenging topics, and more importantly, how might I go about those conversations. As a social and emotional learning (SEL) educator and a parent, I saw teachable moments everywhere.
Our world and our experiences provide a powerful text to inspire children’s natural curiosity. We just have to be willing to be brave enough to go there with them.
When Colby was younger, I decided to lean into those teachable moments as they arose. I saw them as opportunities to build social awareness, empathy, and responsible decision- making skills. My intention as a parent has been to be as honest with Colby as possible, with the belief that he is capable of understanding the world and using the new knowledge to develop his decision-making schema.
Throughout these conversations with Colby, my goals have always been:
To make him feel safe;
To share just enough;
To answer his questions seriously;
To connect the conversation to big ideas about the world.
While these conversations can come up at any time, I’ve found that many times they happen in the car on the way to or from school. It is in these moments that Colby and I can connect with one another and have a dedicated time and space for deep conversations. Here are some strategies that might help you as you navigate your own conversations with the young people in your life.
1. Embrace the questions.
Colby has always been naturally curious. So curious was this kiddo that when he was in first grade, his self-selected superhero alter ego was “Question Man.” He even had a cape with question marks all over it! Questions allowed him to lead the conversation and I have always tried to answer honestly with factual information that he could understand.
Sometimes, the questions would come out of nowhere, and I would feel unprepared, like with the one below. If you aren’t sure what a child is thinking or where a question is coming from, just say – “Tell me more,” or “What do you mean?” Their response not only buys you some time to think, but also sheds light on the thinking behind their question.
C: Mom, do people choose not to have kids?
M: Yes.
C: Do you know anyone who is married and chose not to have kids?
M: Sharmi and Dean are married and they are not having kids. Jake and Annie are married and are not having kids.
C: But HOW do people choose not to have kids?
M: What do you mean?
C: How do they stop it?
M: Well, there are ways to prevent having kids, like you can take a pill. I take a pill.
C: But boys don’t take a pill.
M: No, it’s for women. Boys do other things.
C: So you aren’t having any more kids.
M: Nope.
In this case, I didn’t feel like I needed to get into the weeds about how a baby is made, and also the details about contraception. However, when he was nine, we started readingIt’s So Amazing, A Book About Eggs, Sperm, Birth, and Families together as a read aloud. This book shares information accurately and inclusively, and reading it aloud together allowed us to have conversations led by his questions that came up. This leads us to tip number two.
2. Ground the conversation in a shared text.
When I’m unsure about how to talk about a topic, it can be helpful to have a shared text; a book, an art piece, a TV show, or a movie, that helps to frame the conversation. Any text can be helpful in generating questions that he might be curious about, but informational texts are particularly helpful so that I don’t feel like I have to generate all the answers myself.
When Colby was eleven, we read Jason Reynold’s and Ibram X. Kendi’s Stamped: Racism, Antiracism, and You together as a read aloud. Again, this shared text about the history of racism raised all kinds of questions and allowed us to share what we thought about the experiences of the people and the events that happened. It also allowed us to make connections with how oppression continues to shape our country in the present day. During these conversations, I asked a lot of open-ended questions because I wanted to teach him how to think critically, not just tell him what to think. Because the text we were reading was aligned with my own worldview, I made a point to share that some people believe differently. For example, when we read about the invention of race to justify the enslavement of Africans, I told him this information was something I only learned as an adult and that many people believed race was just a fact of life or based on science. I asked him why he thought this was the case, which led to a rich conversation about whose and what stories get shared, and why. We talked about how the sources we get information from might promote one perspective more than another which is important when forming our own opinions.
In general, I refrain from sharing my opinions directly unless he asks, and instead, I offer facts and multiple perspectives, then ask him what he thinks. If I notice some alternative conceptions, then I probe with more questions to get a better understanding of his understanding. Oftentimes the conversations might end there for the moment, but get built upon another time.
3. Normalize the conversation.
Children make judgments about whether something is “normal,” “okay” or “something not to be spoken about” based on our actions, words, and the things we choose to stay silent about. When Colby was seven, he heard someone say that Julia was getting married to Nikki. He asked:
C: Is a lady marrying another lady?
M: Yes.
C: Ah, one of those couples. Because, you know, sometimes ladies marry guys.
M: Yes, sometimes they do.
While this was a small conversation, it had big implications. How different might the message have been if instead I had said, “Yes, they typically do”? The choice to say “sometimes” intentionally pushes against the heteronormative conditioning of our society, and allows for a more inclusive idea of what can be “normal.” My hope is that this develops him to be more thoughtful, empathetic, and inclusive. Not only that, it lets him know that he is accepted and welcomed no matter how he identifies and that families can take many forms.
Whether the conversation was about sex, racism, drugs, or prison, the message was always that it’s okay to talk about it, because that’s how we learn things. And we learn by looking at how things came to be this way and understanding the facts so that he can come to his own conclusions.
Kids Are Capable
Colby is not a unique case. In my experience, when given the opportunity to engage in conversations that matter, young people consistently show their ability to question, to empathize, to connect, and to shape their future actions. Watching young people develop their self-awareness, their social awareness, and their critical consciousness are some of my favorite things about being a parent and a teacher. So, the next time your kiddo asks, “Why?” or you encounter another teachable moment, lean into it! You’ll be amazed and surprised by what can happen when we talk about hard things.
Mari Jones is the Director of the Deeper Learning Hub and an improvement facilitator at the Center for Research on Equity and Innovation at High Tech High Graduate School of Education. She is an elementary educator turned large-scale change maker, and is passionate about the intersection of social and emotional learning and project-based learning as a powerful pathway to deeper learning.
Mari’s Book Recommendations:
It’s So Amazing!was created in response to repeated requests from parents, teachers, librarians, and health professionals for an up-to-date book about sex and sexuality for children who were still too young for It’s Perfectly Normal. Once again, the Bird and Bee are up to their antics, but this time they’re younger. In It’s So Amazing!, these reassuring characters reflect the many moods of children age 7 and up: silly, serious, curious, embarrassed. Their voices echo the thoughts, questions, and concerns of a younger audience.
For ages 12 and up, Stamped is a timely, crucial, and empowering exploration of racism–and antiracism–in America. The construct of race has always been used to gain and keep power, to create dynamics that separate and silence. This is a remarkable reimagining of Dr. Ibram X. Kendi’s Stamped from the Beginning, winner of a National Book Award. It reveals the history of racist ideas in America and inspires hope for an antiracist future. Stamped takes you on a race journey from then to now, shows you why we feel how we feel, and why the poison of racism lingers. It also proves that while racist ideas have always been easy to fabricate and distribute, they can also be discredited.
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