By Guest Author Lauren Foster

The other night, my daughter, now 26, and I shared dinner in her apartment. Willow, her cat, curled up beside us as we talked about her day and, unexpectedly, her childhood. She asked me if I remembered the morning drives to school years ago and how I used to “coach” her as we approached the school drop-off line. I recalled how the speech-language pathologist in me would prompt social skills practice. Every morning, I’d share a variation of prompts:

“Who are you going to say hello to today?”
“Will you smile or wave?”
“What else could you say besides just ‘hi’—maybe ‘Have a good day!’?”

I thought I was teaching social confidence and kindness and was priming my baby in those elementary school days. Fast forward twenty-six years, and my daughter shared:

“Mom, I realize you were trying to help, but it didn’t feel good. It made me more nervous.”

There it was—a truth I didn’t see back then. Looking back now, I felt resistance in her responses but my nervous system, constantly charged, was in “do” mode. I wanted her to feel prepared, confident, and capable. I didn’t want her to feel shy and not be friendly. I have since learned that my coaching felt like pressure not support. My words came from love, but they missed the deeper need: connection. My nervous system wanted her to be okay and the message I was repeatedly giving her was that the way she wasn’t okay. That was not my intention.

When Good Intentions Collide with Dysregulation

My nervous system was perpetually on high alert—trying to juggle work, home, finances, and the enormous responsibility of raising a small human solo. This is not an excuse, but an observation. Polyvagal Theory helps explain: When our nervous system interprets the world as unsafe, we slip into “fight,” “flight,” or “freeze,” (now we also add “fawn”), limiting our capacity for connection.¹ My coaching carried a subtle urgency. Not what I intended, wanted, or would wish for.

My daughter, meanwhile, was also dysregulated—navigating school transitions, sensory overload, and a new social world. Without meaning to, we were two nervous systems pinging off each other. This happens all of the time in families. 

When my daughter was about four-years-old, she socked me in the stomach. And – I mean – a real punch. She was not a hitter, so that moment jolted me awake. It led me to my first “Parenting with Peleg” class, grounded in Positive Discipline. From there, I dove into learning more from Positive Discipline, Conscious Discipline, the work of Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, and many others. I started to see behavior differently. I began to understand what was underneath it. I cannot go back and redo those early years, but I can acknowledge and validate her feelings now. And that is true for all of us. Parenting is not easy. If you are here, learning, reflecting, and trying to show up with more awareness and care, that matters.

We are all on a journey. I share this information with deep love and compassion – for our younger selves — those who did the best they could with what they had at the time.

The truth is: now is the best time to show up differently, to be present, to take ownership of our growth, and to make new choices. What I have come to realize is that the foundation of good parenting is your own personal development.

Maya Angelou said, “we do the best we can until we know better — and when we know better, we can do better.” Our nervous system is the foundation of our being. When we feel threatened, scared, or uncertain, the brain has less capacity for connection because its main focus is survival and it’s constantly scanning the environment for potential threats.

Children have meltdowns not because they want to defy us, but because they lack the words and self-regulation to manage big emotions. And when our own nervous systems are stretched thin, even normal childhood struggles — whining, negative self-talk, bedtime battles — can feel overwhelming, pushing us to correct instead of connect.

Looking back, I was holding on and doing the best I could, but I wasn’t equipped to connect before correcting or to understand before intervening 20 plus years ago when I was in survival mode. Awareness is the beginning of growth — and connection is always possible, starting right now.

Research by psychologist Dr. BG Mancini describes the family nervous system as a living network in which each member’s emotional state affects the group’s rhythm.² When connection frays, stress spreads. When safety is restored, all members can re-regulate together. I didn’t know it then, but we were co-escalating instead of co-regulating. Pause. Deep breath.

How It Works: Connection Before Correction

Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson explain a simple but powerful truth in their book, No-Drama Discipline: a child must feel seen, soothed, and safe before they can learn.³ When the nervous system does not feel safe, the brain’s learning centers go offline. Nothing sticks.

Neuroscience and attachment research point to the same conclusion. Relationships drive regulation. Regulation opens the door to growth. I saw this play out on mornings when we had time. My daughter and I would take turns choosing a number from Louise Hay’s little Power Thoughts book and read the affirmation together.⁴ Those mornings felt different. Calmer. More connected. The day unfolded with more ease. At the time, I did not realize that this simple ritual was regulating our nervous systems and strengthening our connection. Now I know, it was not a coincidence. It was science at work.

When cues of safety are present—warm tone, eye contact, gentle facial expressions—the nervous system shifts into the state where curiosity, empathy, and communication thrive.¹ This “connection mode” is the biological soil in which essential life skills bloom.  

From Correction to Curiosity

Looking back at those morning car rides, I was focused on coaching “friendly greetings” and social etiquette. I did not pause to consider that her nervous system might have been working hard just to manage the moment.

Instead of trying to shape her behavior, I could have led with curiosity:

“How does your body feel walking up to school?”
“Does anything feel tight or uncomfortable?”
“Would it help if I walked with you for a bit?”

Curiosity opens the door for understanding. Rather than controlling behavior, it invites collaboration and emotional attunement. Over time, that safety plants the seeds of self-awareness (“How am I feeling right now?”) and self-management (“What helps me calm down?”). Curiosity questions open the door for connection. This is authentic partnership. The adult sets limits (kind and firm), from connection instead of control. As attachment research has repeatedly shown, children internalize emotional regulation through warm, responsive presence.⁵

The Science of Co-Regulation

Co-regulation is the process by which an attuned adult helps a child’s nervous system return to safety.⁶ Parents often do this intuitively with babies. Think of your soothing tone, rocking, gentle touch, and more. This remains essential through adolescence. Dr. Siegel refers to it as “interpersonal neurobiology”, the way relationships shape the brain’s architecture.⁷

When we offer consistent signals of safety: eye contact, slow pace, routines—we are helping wire our child’s prefrontal cortex for flexible thinking, empathy, and impulse control. These are the building blocks of essential life skills such as:

• Self-awareness: noticing body sensations and emotions
• Self-management: practicing calming and grounding
• Social awareness: understanding that others’ behavior often reflects nervous system states
• Relationship skills: maintaining connection even during conflict
• Responsible decision-making: choosing actions that align with safety, empathy, and respect.⁸

This is why “connection before correction” is a grounded strategy for social and emotional growth and is regulating for the adult as well as the child – of all ages. When we lead with empathy, we model the very competencies we hope to nurture in our children. It takes time and practice and it’s okay not to get it right all the time. We can repair harm at any time. We are human!

Making It Happen: Simple Connection Strategies for Caregivers

The 9-Minute Tool

Late neuroscientist Dr. Jaak Panksepp is widely credited for the theory which focuses on three key interactions each day to help a child feel happier and more secure.
The 3 times include:

• The first 3 minutes after they wake up.
• The first 3 minutes after they come home from school.
• The last 3 minutes before they go to bed.

It’s less about the specific number of minutes and more about creating meaningful interactions. Some days it might be shorter or longer, the predictability and quality of attention matter most.

Transitions are often dysregulation hotspots. Create anchoring moments ahead of time:

• A shared morning affirmation (Louise Hay’s I Think, I Am! is great for all ages.)
• A five-minute “re-entry routine” after school—snack, music, or play before questions. Set up a consistent routine to soothe your child’s senses.
• A bedtime gratitude or breathing ritual to close the day with calm connection.

When in a calm nervous system state, well after a meltdown, we can invite gentle reflection:
“What did your body feel like before?”
“What helped it feel safer?”
“What could we try next time?”

These caring questions help children make sense of their experiences, strengthening both emotional understanding (self awareness) and executive functioning.

That night, sitting with my daughter, I thanked her for her honesty. I also told her: “If I could revisit one morning, I’d put my hand on your arm, take a breath, and say, ‘You’ve got this, and I’m right here if you need me.’ “

Love this tool? Here are numerous simple and PRINTABLE tools to check out:

• Parent Reset After a Rift Tool
• Parent Connection Tool Sheets including Car Chat Prompts and Suggested Parent Phrases during Difficult Times
• The Micro-Connection Tool
• Connection Phrases Tool

Connection before correction is not only for our children—it’s for us. Every moment we choose curiosity over control, compassion over compliance, we reshape our shared nervous system. Every repair we make becomes a signal of safety, an invitation to growth. We are all connected. It’s never too late to start.

References:

1. Porges, S. W. (2018). The pocket guide to the polyvagal theory: The transformative power of feeling safe. W.W. Norton & Company.
2. Mancini, B. G. (2021). The family nervous system: The science of co-regulation and resilience. Family Science Review, 26(2), 45–62.
3. Bryson, T. P., & Siegel, D. J. (2014). No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam Books.
4. Hay, L. (2005). Power Thoughts; 365 Daily Affirmations. Hay House. 
5. Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2018). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
6. Mancini, B. G. (2021). The family nervous system: The science of co-regulation and resilience. Family Science Review, 26(2), 45–62.
7. Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
8. Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL). (2020). What is SEL? https://casel.org/what-is-sel

Lauren Foster, MS, CCC SLP, CNHP, is a speech language pathologist, holistic health practitioner, and family enrichment coach who supports neurodivergent families through a strengths-based, nervous system informed approach. She is the founder of The Powerful Project, a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that funds mental health services for neurodivergent teens and young adults, and co-leads The Connected Family Community, providing families with practical tools for regulation, executive functioning, and meaningful connection in everyday life. You can find out more about Lauren’s coaching practice here. Lauren is a mom, stepmom, and Bubbe to an incredible 10-year-old Autistic grandson, and splits her time between Georgia and South Carolina.