by Guest Author Tracy Nemecek

When my oldest daughter was learning to ride a bicycle, she encountered some proprioceptive challenges, which made it difficult for her to know her body’s position in space.  She found it particularly hard to balance, and her bicycle frequently tipped over. These nuanced sensory experiences, when combined with some negative self-talk, led her to feel frequently discouraged and ready to give up trying.  While she has been successfully riding a bicycle for years now, our family references this time in her life on occasions when we are seeking to emphasize the power of internal narrative on emotions and actions.

Many individuals talk to themselves more than they talk to anyone else throughout the course of their lives, and our intrapersonal relationship – the relationship we have with ourselves – is the longest-lasting relationship we will have across our lifespan.¹ So it makes sense to take some time to consider the ways that self-talk and internal narrative can contribute to making this lifelong relationship a healthy one.

The concept of self-talk is well-demonstrated by the use of the thought bubble in comics and graphic novels. When a character is talking, a bubble that contains the words they are speaking is drawn near their mouth. When a character is thinking, a bubble that contains the words they are saying to themselves is drawn above their head. Asking children and teens to imagine that they are characters in comics or graphic novels can allow them to consider what might be in their thought bubble at a particular moment. From there, they can consider how the content of their thoughts is impacting their emotions, their physiological responses, and their behaviors.

My daughter’s thought bubble content of “I can’t do this” started as an understandable response to learning something new that was challenging, but it began to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. We asked her to reflect on how she might feel if we as her parents/bicycling teachers repeatedly told her that she wasn’t going to be able to learn to ride, and to think about how telling herself that same message was doing just as much damage to her self-assurance as if it were coming from someone else. My daughter’s self-talk led her to feel discouragement, frustration, anger, and low self-confidence, and the presence of these emotions and the physiological sensations accompanying them made it even more difficult to focus her attention on what she was trying to learn. Her emotional responses to her self-talk were understandable and valid, but she got stuck in a loop.  By working to change the content of her thought bubble, she was able to shift her response and eventually find success with her goal. 

Psychologists Aaron Beck and David Burns introduced the concept of cognitive distortions, which are common thinking patterns that lead people to filter their experiences through a negative and self-critical lens.^2,3  Some examples of cognitive distortions include:

• All-or-nothing thinking: looking only at the extremes of a situation and ignoring the middle ground
• Overgeneralizing: concluding that a negative event is a link in a chain of neverending negative events
• Catastrophizing: predicting that the worst possible outcome is about to occur
• Fortune-telling: assuming that we know the outcome of a situation, and that it’s going to be negative

When parents can help themselves and their children to recognize when distorted thinking is occurring, a powerful shift can take place.  By first identifying a potential distortion, a person can start to separate from their thoughts and consider the reality that all thoughts are not true. By taking a pause, we can allow ourselves to get out of autopilot and consider our options more thoughtfully and carefully. 

It makes sense to take some time to consider the ways that self-talk and internal narrative can contribute to making this lifelong relationship a healthy one.

In the case of my daughter learning to ride her bicycle, the process of drawing her attention to her self-talk looked something like the following. You can..

1. Acknowledge and validate her emotions… by saying “This is really challenging. You’re feeling so frustrated.”  Helping ourselves and others become aware of and make changes to self-talk isn’t about ignoring reality or pretending unpleasant emotions are not present. Offering emotional validation first allows a person to feel seen, heard, and understood, which can help them to be more open to the idea of making a change like shifting self-talk patterns.⁴
2. Raise awareness of current self-talk patterns. We helped her become aware of the impact of her self-talk by asking her to sit with the thought bubble of “I can’t do this” and consider which feelings and behaviors were resulting from that thinking. She realized her body was responding with stomach upset and muscle tension, and once she focused on those sensations, it became even more difficult to re-direct her attention to what she was trying to learn, and her bicycle would tip over, leading to many falls and scrapes and enough doubt to leave her to question whether she wanted to continue trying. This was a learning opportunity for our daughter to realize the connections between her self-talk, emotions, and actions.
3. Coach to alter those internal messages. Once she was more regularly noticing her internal dialogue, we worked to help her change it to something that was accurate, while also being more self-supportive. We suggested changing “I can’t do it” to “I can’t do it yet”, “This is hard, and I want to keep trying”, and “What do I need to do differently on the next try?”.  This involved us brainstorming and then modeling different self-talk phrases aloud, and asking our daughter to consider the impact of subtle changes in the words she was saying to herself.

It took a lot of repetition and redirection, and she gradually became more motivated to stick with practicing, experiencing longer rides as well as falls, and eventually, learning to bicycle on her own. Promoting an understanding of the links between self-talk, emotions, and actions provides a connection to vital competencies including:⁵

Self-awareness: identifying one’s emotions; linking feelings, values and thoughts; having a growth mindset 

Self-management: regulating one’s emotions; identifying and using stress management strategies; exhibiting self-discipline and self-motivation; setting personal goals, showing the courage to take initiative; demonstrating personal agency

Responsible decision-making: demonstrating curiosity and open-mindedness; identifying solutions for personal problems; learning to make a reasoned judgment; anticipating and evaluating the consequences of one’s actions; recognizing the utility of critical thinking skills; reflecting on ways in which to promote personal well-being

This focus on self-talk started when my daughter was in elementary school, and it continues to be relevant today. Now that both of our children are older, we help them apply an awareness of the power of self-talk to social situations by inviting them to identify the objective facts in a situation before jumping to a conclusion about an interaction with a friend or making premature assumptions about another person’s behaviors or motivations. 

When they feel uncomfortable with a peer’s response to them, we validate their emotions (“It’s difficult when you don’t know why someone acted the way they did”), invite them to check their assumptions (“What is leading you to believe they are mad at you?  Are there other possible explanations?  If you consider another reason for why they may have acted that way, does it feel easier to imagine asking them about it?”), and encourage them to identify a realistic and self-supportive statement. (“I haven’t asked them about this yet, so I don’t know for sure how they are feeling.  It may have something to do with me, and it may not have anything to do with me.”)    

Considering the power of self-talk is useful for us as parents, too. At times when we find ourselves starting to catastrophize when a situation feels similar to a past scenario that didn’t end with a desired outcome, we can employ validation, curious exploration, and identification of a self-supportive next step within our own self-talk.  “It’s understandable that I’m feeling worried about how this is going to turn out, given what’s happened in the past. Just because we’ve faced this challenge before doesn’t mean the outcome is going to be the same as last time.  What do I need to respond to in the present moment?” 

Being aware of and making changes to self-talk does not mean being dishonest with oneself, nor does it promote engaging in toxic positivity. Noticing whether we are bringing a mindset of curiosity or conclusiveness to our reflection on a situation can allow us to choose open-mindedness over a premature limitation of our options. When our self-talk reflects curiosity, we can neutrally notice how we are approaching a situation and make a thoughtful decision about the best next step. When our self-talk reflects certainty, we are more likely to act based on an untested assumption or shut down the option of looking at an event from multiple angles. Our inner dialogue is always present, sometimes at the forefront, and sometimes in the background of our conscious awareness.  Because of its omnipresence, it’s worth learning to use it as a tool for growth instead of allowing it to work against us.  Harnessing the power of our self-talk can lead us to be more self-aware, well-regulated, and informed decision-makers, competencies that will help us continue to grow into healthier parents raising healthier kids.

1. Heavey, C. L., & Hurlburt, R. T. (2008). The phenomena of inner experience. Consciousness and Cognition, 17(3), 798–810. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.concog.2007.12.006
2. Beck, A. T. (1963). Thinking and depression: I. Idiosyncratic content and cognitive distortions. Archives of General Psychiatry, 9(4), 324–333. https://doi.org/10.1001/archpsyc.1963.01720160014002
3. Burns, D. D. (1989). The feeling good handbook: Using the new mood therapy in everyday life. Plume Books.
4. Stern, J. A., Borelli, J. L., & Smiley, P. A. (2015). Assessing parental empathy: A role for empathy in child attachment. Attachment & Human Development, 17(1), 1–22. https://doi.org/10.1080/14616734.2015.1006382
5. Greenberg, M. T., Weissberg, R. P., O’Brien, M. U., Zins, J. E., Fredericks, L., Resnik, H., & Elias, M. J. (2003). Enhancing school-based prevention and youth development through coordinated social, emotional, and academic learning. American Psychologist, 58(6-7), 466–474.

Tracy Nemecek is a parent to two daughters, ages 20 and 17.  She is also a licensed mental health counselor in private practice in Rochester, NY and an SEL educator who works with both children and adults in a variety of school and community settings.  Learn more at https://intentionalliving-counseling.com.