First, there was the angry specter who gave me a genuine jump scare. When my son was in the toddler and preschool years, little E lashed out with his hands when he was angry. He didn’t have the words in that moment of upset. I felt the ghost of my own young child being punished by an angry mother. And I surprised myself in becoming emotional when I knew that all my son needed was a calm mother to help him regulate his upset. That ghost shook me to the core and pushed me to reflect on how I might confront it. And it raised the question, “what other ghosts lay in wait until just the moment when I’m least expecting them to jump out and scare me?” And if they do jump out, I wondered, how will I respond in ways that do not hurt my relationship with my family? How do I respond in ways that model for my child healthy and courageous ways to respond to ghosts? And lay in wait they did. Ghosts are incredibly patient.

In the early school age years, E would come home with painful stories. He got teased and criticized for missing a ball during a game or he got pushed by a classmate who simply didn’t like him. This is where the unbounded-empathy ghost scared me. Experiencing my son’s pain felt unbearable. And the unbounded-empathy ghost haunted me repeatedly making me feel helpless and aching. How can I respond to this? My son needs me. And I felt compelled to protect him. All I wanted to do was rip him out of school and tell the parents of the children who hurt him exactly what their children had done. Of course, I knew this response was utterly unreasonable. So I had to seek out healthy ways to respond.

As the years went on, I took on more and more of the family burdens and responsibilities until one day, the burnout ghost appeared as if out of nowhere. Though she’d been hanging around for some time, I finally noticed her presence. I had been telling myself the story that I was strong. That I was desperately needed by everyone for pretty much everything. That I was the only one who could do it all – all the chores, all the parenting, all the things. And my partner was left asking: “where do I fit in to this equation? And where does our son fit?” The burnout ghost is an insidious one because she creeps around but rarely shows her face. You may shiver when you feel her but because of the nature of this ghost, you press on ignoring the chill in the air. Yet, she uses her power by spreading the fog of shame and not-enough-ness to keep you working and beat you down. When she does show, though, and you can see her clearly. You notice that she’s out for destruction and particularly for destroying trusting, confident, and loving relationships – one’s in which each person owns their own responsibilities that contribute to their own well-being and to the whole family.

There have been and continue to be many more ghosts that show up through parenthood; far too many to name. And you may experience very different ones than these mentioned depending on how you were brought up in your own childhood. Others may experience the slave-to-social-expectations ghost, particularly brutal and potentially, psychologically damaging. There’s also the achievement-at-all-costs, the there’s-no-crying-in-parenting or the never-good-enough-parent ghosts. Not to mention, the not-seen-or-valued ghost and the victim (everyone-else-is-to-blame) ghosts. Whichever ghosts you encounter, they are utterly personal and designed to scare you into either submission, a.k.a repeat the patterns of the past, or growth.

These ghosts are NOT your parents, teachers, or former caregivers. They represent the residual reactions and feelings you experienced throughout your childhood that often came from caregivers’ decisions, words, and actions. And though they lack substance in this time, in this space, they know exactly how to genuinely frighten. When they well up in you – on top of an already busy, heart-invested life – they can take you over and truly make you question yourself in fundamental ways…particularly when you react to them quickly and impulsively out of fear and protection. 

This time of year, we have many opportunities to fill ourselves up with courage and capability. If we choose authenticity (looking directly at those ghosts) and growth (confronting them) as the way in which we’ll respond, we’ll need to face the darkness knowing that although those apparitions lay in wait for our moment of vulnerability, we’ve prepared. And we can! After all, they do not represent reality, only thin air. If we spend time reflecting, if we know exactly how we will show up differently, we can and will be ready. Here’s how a neurobiologist and psychiatrist explains this phenomenon:

Experiences that are not fully processed may create unresolved and leftover issues that influence how we react to our children…When this happens, our responses toward our children often take the form of strong emotional reactions, impulsive behaviors, distortions in our perceptions and sensations in our bodies. These intense states of mind impair our ability to think clearly and remain flexible and affect our interactions and relationships with our children (Siegel & Hartzell, 2003).

Readying yourself for your ghosts can be one of the most powerful proactive steps you can take to bring your best to your parenting and raise confident kids and teens. So when you have a quiet time and space, use the following exercise with your journal in hand. 

Reflect on the following questions. Be sure and write out your answers (writing by hand connects the emotions to the cognitive parts of the brain and typing does not connect those two as well so I recommend writing by hand.). This will work better for you if you spend some time getting still and coming from your place of higher wisdom. So before you begin writing…

Sit in Stillness… set a timer for two minutes of stillness. Sit comfortably upright. Close your eyes or lower your gaze. You can focus on your breath. Or you can send gratitude to your heart. This will prepare you for bringing your highest wisdom to your journaling.

1. Ultimately what do I want for my child (children) or teen (teens)?

2. What are my deepest values that I want to teach, communicate, and pass on to my children/teens?

3. Do I have feelings of upset, anger or fear that rise up stronger, bigger, and more intensely than the circumstance merits? Do I have strong reactions that surprise myself? Do I regret reactions? When do any of these happen? These are an indicator of ghosts. What is happening with my child or teen at those times? Or what circumstances, people, or events press my most vulnerable buttons in my role as a parent?

3. What actions do I typically take when those buttons are pushed? What words do I use? What tone of voice do I use? What is my body positioning communicating? 

4. Do those words and actions align with my deepest values for my life and my role as a parent? Do they align with what I want to teach my child? In other words, since we know our children learn the most from modeling, if my child repeated my words or actions in public, would I be glad and proud, or ashamed or angry? If the latter is the case, then what words and actions would I feel proud of?

5. Consider those current child or teen behaviors that I’m challenged by in the context of my own childhood. Do I exhibit those behaviors? If so, how did my parents or caregivers react? How did I feel in those moments? Are those same feelings showing up for me now?

6. What did my parents/caregivers feel strongly about? What did I get into trouble for? Or what did my caregivers worry about? How does that relate to how I feel about my children in similar circumstances?

7. Are my reactions similar to how my parents reacted to me? Or are my reactions similar to how I felt or reacted when I was scolded or my parents’/caregivers’ upset me? Am I tempted to repeat actions my parents or caregivers chose? Or am I tempted to react in the opposite way – reacting to a parent’s or caregiver’s choices? 

8. If I have discovered through my reflections that my words and actions do not align with my deepest values and have uncovered childhood wounds, how can I first address those hurts? Do I need to learn more? Do I need to accept my hurt or shame? Can I work to better understand my parent’s perspectives and their challenges?

If you feel anger, spend some time journaling about that feeling and its origins recognizing that your anger is valid and that you must take care of your own feelings first. How can you soften to become compassionate for yourself? Is it possible to find greater understanding for your caregivers and their circumstances, lack of knowledge, and lack of support they were navigating?

Then recognize that the feelings from their origins do not apply in this time and space now. The context, the people, the world — everything is different. So there is a chance to heal the past by focusing on the present and how you can make new, healthier choices.

9. What would be the healthiest choice to make when I reencounter this ghost? How can I help myself make that choice? Do I need time and space to move away in order to calm down first? Do I need reminders of what I plan to do? Do I need to communicate my plan to a partner or friend for accountability?

Write your plan down in your journal. Revisit when you need to so that you are ready.

Be aware that sometimes these ghosts are too much to try and navigate without support. Sometimes the wisest, bravest decision you can make is finding a counselor or therapist who will offer you that necessary support to be able to face into those button-pushing moments and the fears behind them.

Consider the ghost that haunts you frequently and how you feel about your common reaction. Is it guilt, shame, anger, frustration? Now imagine using the plan you’ve just created – and professional support if needed – to bring your highest self to those very moments. Whether that requires you to leave the space, to go inside yourself and breathe, to insist on a pause, and then to respond by affirming feelings, you will feel a sense of empowerment and agency beyond compare. And you’ll never look back. Because you’ve called this ghost on their tricks and just like that, you’ve removed their power over you.

This work is foundational to changing the path for this generation. When we do our deeper work as parents, we feel competent and capable. We fear the ghosts less with our plan for healthy responses at the ready. Even in our busy lives, we are able to channel our deepest values through our reactions to the ghosts when we invest in reflective action and heart-led courage. 

May this Halloween bring your family joy, courage, connection, and well-being as you face the darkness together.

Reference:

Siegel, D. & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out, How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. NY: Penguin Group.

For Other Halloween Articles and Ideas, check out:

The Best of Confident Parents’ Halloween Posts

Our first edition of the Confident Parents and Caregivers Newsletter for School Communities goes out tomorrow!

Don’t forget to sign up for our trial first month free! Sign up here…

I want to receive the first Newsletter free!