confident parents confident kids

Oh the places you’ll go! The worlds you will visit! The friends you will know!

– Dr. Seuss1

“What are you guys up to?” I say to the three six-year-old friends in my living room. “We’re sharing our books!” one says with an “Isn’t it obvious?” tone. Reading is a top priority in the early elementary school years with some states enforcing a reading guarantee (“All kids will read with proficiency by the third grade.”). And so at times it feels, the pressure is on. “Mama, I feel with my whole body that I won’t learn to read,” E said to me at age five. Yet, we have read together since the days when he was swimming in amniotic fluid. “Oh, the Places You Will Go!” was our favorite. We have books in every room of the house. We’ve read several books together every day of his life. But he has a mounting anxiety around learning to read. Perhaps because it is so much a part of our lives, he feels the importance of reading. But also, I suspect that school is pushing hard to make sure he hurries his learning pace. He’s not alone. A worried mother recently confided in me, “I’ve had my son going to a tutor all summer because I’m told he has to read by the time he starts first grade!”

Yes, learning to read is certainly important but how children learn to read is just as important. Take into consideration that no other single experience brings us into other people’s lives and simultaneously holds up a mirror to our own in the way that a book does. Stories are fundamentally tied to our self-identity and empathy for and understanding of others.

Through the imaginative process that reading involves, children have the
opportunity to do what they often cannot do in real life—become thoroughly
involved in the inner lives of others, better understand them, and eventually
become more aware of themselves.

writes Dr. Zipora Shechtman in her book, Treating Child and Adolescent Aggression Through Bibilotherapy.2 Books allow us to venture far from home and experience trials that threaten to annihilate us and the world we live in and yet, persevere through our alter-ego protagonist.

The forces of good and evil battle it out daily after school in our living room. I watch as, time and again, my now seven year old son recreates and reinvents stories with his beloved Star Wars characters and his favorite plot lines. Stories play a central role in the formation of children’s moral development. Readers follow a protagonist through epic journeys and cringe as they are injured or fail in their pursuits. But, in children’s books, the protagonist never gives up. Most often on the side of what is right and good, poetic justice reigns and in the end, evil is overcome. We empathize with complex characters who are required to make choices in the midst of uncertain times and circumstances. In the best literature, questions are asked and left unanswered for the thoughtful reader to consider. “Why did she leave her family? Was it the right thing to do?” This “meaning making” is what brings the rush of joy and connection and desire for more. It fuels imagination. It expands our minds to think creatively. Our emotional and cognitive intelligence is challenged and we are required to think for ourselves.

By grappling with dilemmas and difficult choices, we form our sense of what we believe is just and also, what defines the dark side. We are able to become more thoughtful decision-makers through those experiences. In a compelling tale, readers will deeply empathize with the character’s struggle to control his impulses. It’s good for adults and valuable practice for all children who are developing their ability to manage themselves.

In addition, stories allow us to take the perspective of another in a deeply personal way. We read their private thoughts. We understand their values and the back story that shaped them. And we watch as they choose behaviors that either reflect or fight against their beliefs and self-concept. We root for the hero because we become the hero for the time that we are emersed in his story. We come to know and understand other cultures through the vicarious experience of living another’s life.

Story, in other words, continues to fulfill its ancient functioning of binding
society by reinforcing a set of common values and strengthening the ties of
common culture…Story – sacred and profane – is perhaps the main cohering
force in human life.2

Though educators know that there are a combination of exercises, skills and experiences that will develop a reader, no one really knows what precise combination of working on rhyming, phonics, vocabulary and comprehension will bring about proficiency. In fact, it’s different for every learner. But certainly key ingredients in the success formula must be children’s social and emotional development. Parents can worry less and experience more the joy and adventure because they read with their children.

Share oral stories with one another. Use books without words and make up stories together. Visit the library and encourage your children to explore subjects and stories that intrigue them. Ask questions about characters and leave them open-ended for discussion. “Why do you think he made that decision?” Predict outcomes. “What do you think will happen next?” Never miss a day of reading with your child. Bedtime is a perfect opportunity to snuggle together and feel the power of story wash over you.

We, as parents, have the opportunity to balance out the pressures that kids often feel at school to learn the mechanics. Our role can be to give them the joy of reading. Doing this together as a family and as a parent and child can be the most valuable way to show a child the role story can play in connecting to others and shaping and enriching a life.

References

1. Seuss, D. (1990) Oh The Places You’ll Go! NY: Random House.

2. Shechtman, Z. (2009). Treating Child and Adolescent Aggression through Bibliotherapy. The Springer Series on Human Exceptionality.

3. Gottschall, J. (2012). The Storytelling Animal; How Stories Make Us Human. Boston, MA: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

For other great articles on this topic, check out:

Parents Make Bedtime a Social-Emotional Moment with Your Kids by Maurice Elias and Jennifer Miller

From Committee for Children, Using Children’s Literature to Build Social and Emotional Skills by Trudy Ludwig.

Using Literary Characters to Teach Emotional Intelligence by Traci Vogel

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Posted on September 30, 2014 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Elements of a Confident Kid… Skilled Communicator

/ke myu ne kate/

to get someone to understand your thoughts and feelings1

A confident kid is also a skilled communicator. Being able to communicate effectively with others can determine a child’s ability to successfully pursue friendships, school assignments, career goals and family relationships. Certainly communication is learned through modeling – by watching others at home and school. But so often, people talk over one another. They look at their phone while another is engaging them in conversation. They have the television on and tempt the listener to divide attention away from the speaker. So what does it take to be a skilled communicator? First, it takes practice and intentionality since we may not typically be in the habit of modeling skilled communication in our home lives. The skilled communicator

– uses language that is understandable to the listener.
– expresses thoughts and feelings through words and nonverbal expressions to provide meaning.
– listens well, deeply and completely.
– asks clarifying questions to better understand the other person.
– rephrases what the other has said to check for understanding.
– listens to the words and notices the tone of voice, body posture, facial expressions and emotional cues to make meaning.
– provides empathetic comments that focus on the other person and what they have
shared (versus comments that refocus the conversation on yourself and your own
experiences.).
– realizes that there are differing communication styles and ways of expressing emotion and works at understanding the differences in order to make connections.

Cultures also vary widely in the way that they communicate emotion. Some feel communicating any emotion at all is embarrassing or a sign of weakness. Others would not enter a conversation without including emotions as critical clues to the meaning behind what they are saying. So it takes additional effort, focus and skill to be able to communicate with people of different cultures. Sally Planalp, author of Communicating Emotion; Social, Moral and Cultural Processes writes, “…supported by much research, communicating emotion between cultures seems to be easy at a relatively superficial level and quite difficult at a deeper and more subtle level, just as it is within cultures.” 2 Families each have their own culture using language and a communication style that is different, though it may be subtle, from neighborhoods, school friends or work colleagues. An awareness that communication is fundamental to relationships and requires some effort is an important step toward helping your family become better communicators.

Strategies to Promote Skilled Communication

For Adults with Kids:

Position Yourself on Eye Level – If you are having a conversation with your child, be sure and get down on their eye level. Pull up a chair or sit on the floor (if you can!). Your child may be more willing to share thoughts and feelings with you because he/she feels more of a sense of control when you are meeting eye to eye.

Use Blocks to Facilitate Conversation – When talking at the dinner table, bring a stack of blocks. Start a conversation and lay down the first block. As each person adds to the conversation, they can contribute by placing on the next block. The tower may fall apart if the speaker does not connect their comments or questions to what was said before them. This terrific idea is borrowed from Responsive Classroom educators Kathleen Sheehy and Emily Young, who use this approach in their classrooms. 3

Employ the “Me too!” Rule – Another idea from Sheehy and Young is the “Me too!” rule. It’s human nature to want to make connections to what a person is saying. Sometimes, we are overcome with excitement wanting to share that “I too” love guinea pigs, for example. Establish a family symbol for “Me too!” and use it whenever there is a temptation to interrupt. It could be a “thumbs up” or a raised hand.

Play “Pass the Story” – Kids love this game because they have a well-rehearsed sense of imagination. Start off a story with one sentence. “There once was a green skunk who liked libraries…” Each person gets to contribute one sentence to build upon the last. See what kind of interesting story you can create collaboratively. This game offers practice in listening for meaning and taking turns speaking.

For Adults to Practice:

Pause – First, notice how often you pause to think after something has been said in a conversation. Try to add a pause before speaking. It may feel awkward at first. But it allows the speaker to fully get out what they are trying to say. And then, it provides the empty space for thinking about what has been said. For more on the importance of wait times in dialogue, check out “The Chance to Wait.”

Take the “Name the Feeling” Challenge – For most, this will not come naturally so it requires practice. Add feeling words to your conversations. You will be modeling a feelings vocabulary for your children. You’ll also provide the listener with critical insights into what you are saying beyond the thoughts you are expressing.

Assume the Best Intentions – When entering a conversation with a spouse or child, assume only the best first. They may have made mistakes in the past that are putting you on guard. However if you start the conversation with caution and anxiety, the other is going to feel on guard as well. It’s likely you will not be able to achieve what you want to with the conversation because the listener is not as likely to share their deeper thoughts and feelings when there’s distrust from the onset.

Being a skilled communicator can help you and your children in every aspect of getting along and working together to achieve individual and family goals. These simple exercises will help you and your children hone your skills together.

References

1. Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Retrieved on 9-30-14 on http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/communicate.

2. Planalp, S. (1999). Communicating Emotion; Social, Moral and Cultural Processes. Cambridge, UK: Cambridge University Press.

3. Sheehy, K. and Young, E. (2014). Teaching Skillful Communication; A Standards-based Approach to Morning Meeting Sharing. Responsive Classroom Newsletter, Summer, 2014. https://www.responsiveclassroom.org/article/teaching-skillful-communication

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Posted on September 25, 2014 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Setting Up for Homework Success

I am always doing that which I cannot do, in order that I may learn how to do it.

– Pablo Picasso

“I am not doing my homework. No way!” said E. If you have school-age children, certainly a similar refrain has been asserted in your household – possibly on numerous occasions and maybe even every night after school. Education Week recently highlighted a study by the National Center on Families Learning who found that 60% of American families surveyed struggled to help their children with their homework.1

Additionally, more than 25 percent* admit the reason is that they are too
busy, up from just over 20 percent in 2013. Parents also identified not understanding the subject matter (33.5 percent) and pushback from their kids (41 percent) as reasons for having trouble with homework help.2

Though educators may debate the merit of homework, it is a reality for most children and their parents. And some times homework is not enjoyable for kids. The tasks are typically reinforcing and practicing new material delivered during the school day. They may be challenging for a child who has only done the work along with his classmates and teacher’s assistance to try applying new concepts on his own. He may have low to no motivation, feeling embarrassed to be uncertain and making mistakes in front of his “all-knowing” parents.

Though schools focus mostly on ensuring kids get their homework accomplished, parents are thrown into the world of homework with little to no communication about the teacher’s hopes or expectations for their role. Entering first grade this year, we heard from E’s new teacher, “There will be homework each night,” but that was the extent of our guidance. So we are left to our own devices to figure out what role to play and how to be the best support at home.

There are numerous ways that you can set your child up for homework success. Here are a few ideas.

Adopt a learning attitude.
We, as parents, bring our own attitudes about homework to our children’s experience. From my high school days, I can’t seem to shake the terror of reaching 9:00 p.m. the night before the due date of a long-term project. I had no clue how to tackle it and had barely begun. I have to really watch that my own sigh is not voiced when it’s time to get homework done. I know if my words and actions convey that homework is a drag, my son is certainly is going to view it in the same way. That attitude will add to our collective struggle to get it accomplished. Homework can be a critical step in the learning process for kids if viewed in that light. They’ve had support all day and now they have to take those new skills and apply them on their own. I remind myself of this and try to bring an attitude of confidence with an assertion that it’s essential to learning. This is the attitude I want my son to internalize so I know it’s the attitude I have to first model and project as he attempts the learning challenges before him.

Allow for choices and set expectations.
Before establishing a homework routine, ask your child’s preferences. You may want to ask the following.

How do you want to spend your time after school?
Would you like a snack first?
Do you want to change into play clothes first?
Do you want time to rest or run outside and play?
Considering all of the activities that typically take place after school, when is the best time for you to do homework?

E choose to do homework while I am preparing dinner and after he’s had a snack, changed clothes and had time to play. I was a child who liked to get my homework done immediately so that I could have the rest of the night free. Allowing choice will add to children’s sense of control and motivation to do the work during the allotted time. If, after a time, it doesn’t seem to be working, you can always re-evaluate together. Make adjustments. If you can be collaborative about setting up the time and space for homework, your child will be more likely to feel a sense of ownership over the process and less like they must battle you each night.

Use a timer.
Take note of when your child has said it’s his best time of the afternoon/evening to do homework. Set a timer to go off at that time. Instead of you calling, “Time for homework!” which may incite a battle, an inanimate, dispassionate object is alerting him. You can use a kitchen timer outside or inside. If you are consistent about the homework routine, it can serve as a predictable, non-negotiable process. Your child knows what to expect and when to expect it.

Set up a conducive space.
It doesn’t matter whether you have the perfect desk or not. What matters is that your child has a designated cleaned off, consistent space in which to do homework. And that he have the tools necessary to complete the work. Create that space in your living area or in a place near to what you will be doing. E’s place is set up on our dining room table. I can cook dinner next door in the kitchen and easily walk in and out to see if he needs support. Decide together on the tools you’ll need at the ready in advance. Here are some space considerations.

Make certain that it’s a well-lit space. If not, then get a task lamp to utilize for homework.
Provide a hard work surface on which to write. Make sure the surface can get dirty with glue, markers or other mediums used.
Provide all likely homework tools (pencil, crayons, glue stick, markers, ruler, abacus, highlighter, dictionary, calculator).
Eliminate distractions from the work space (books, other papers, magazines, toys).
Create a folder or binder for all returned papers including graded homework. Keep it handy so that if it could help your child to refer back to a lesson, they can easily look up prior work.
Make sure it’s a quiet space. Turn off televisions or radios. Create rules for siblings about playing in other spaces and respecting homework quiet time.

Consider your role in assisting.
How much do you want to help? What level of involvement should you have in completing assignments? What if your child just can’t figure out what they are doing? If learning is the ultimate objective of homework, then the majority of figuring out needs to come from the child. You can facilitate that learning by asking good questions, leading them to resources and as is our case right now, helping sound out words. Providing answers does not help a child learn. But what if you see a mistake? It may be wise to ask your child to reconsider her answer and ask questions about how she might rethink her answer. But what if she refuses to rethink her mistake? The best way to ensure that she learns is to allow her to make mistakes so that they can be corrected by her teacher. It may help clue her teacher into the fact that she needs more support in this area. Mistakes can be a critical part of the learning process.

And what if their homework exceeds your ability to help? I realize that someday math homework certainly will exceed my abilities to understand and contribute without fully re-learning calculus myself. So what do you do? Make sure that her texts, formulas and explanations are at the ready. Encourage your child to do her research. If you don’t understand something, get in the habit of looking it up. Researching it with her can show her how to find key points to apply to her work. If the work is continually challenging to her and to you, communicate with the teacher. Ask if the teacher feels she might need extra support. The teacher may provide comfort by letting you know that all students are struggling. Or else, he may suggest that your child receive tutoring or time with an intervention specialist to get the help she needs to be successful.

Communicate with the teacher during parent-teacher conferences.
Parent-teacher conferences are an opportune time to discuss homework. Ask how the teacher perceives your child is doing on homework. And ask if there are any recommendations she might make on how you can support homework at home? Including a conversation about homework in your parent-teacher conference can help give the teacher insight on what is taking place at home and also, give you valuable input on her expectations. For parents who want to read more on Parent-Teacher conferences, check out “Parent-Teacher Conversations.” For educators, check out The Harvard Family Research Project’s list of five resources to support educators in their conversations with parents on student progress.

And what if there is a frustration tantrum?
You hear a yell, “I just can’t do it!” Perhaps a pencil is flung across the room startling you out of your cooking revery. What do you do? If your child is passionately upset, then take a break. Move away from the homework space. Get a drink. Walk outside. Look at a favorite book. Cool off. She is not going to get anywhere with her homework in that state. Take as long as she needs to really cool down. Then, before returning to work, talk about what was frustrating her. Ask questions about her struggles so that before going back, you can consider how you might support her.

And what if he refuses to do homework?
If, after all of your diligent preparations and adoption of a stellar learning attitude, he still refuses to do his homework then, the response can be simple: “I’ve done what I can to help set you up for success. Now it’s up to you. It’s your homework, your grade. If you do not do your homework, you will need to accept the consequences from your teacher, whatever they may be.”

It’s never too late to start this process. If you are already struggling, introduce the conversation when you are not under pressure by saying, “It’s been tough each time you have to get homework accomplished. I want to help but I also need your ideas. How can we make homework time better?”

Homework is such a common struggle amongst parents because we do not have much support in understanding their role. Set your child and yourself up for homework success with these simple steps and see if the process can go smoothly most nights in your household. Homework can be a small way to practice working toward and achieving bigger learning goals. If you make it a positive experience, your children will be ready to take the risks necessary for their next developmental challenges.

References

1. Reid, K. S. (2014). Survey Finds More Parents Troubled by their Children’s Homework. Education Week, September 19. Retrieved on September 25, 2104.

2. National Center for Families Learning. (2014). Annual Survey on Parents and Homework. Google Consumer Surveys, August 12, 2014, to August 22, 2014, based on 1,039 online responses,

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Posted on September 23, 2014 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Element of a Confident Kid… Brainstormer

/brain storm/

: an idea that someone thinks of suddenly

A brainstormer sees differences, complexities and multiple perspectives. She finds many sides to any issue, not one or two. It is no accident that as children become more adept at taking other’s perspectives, they also begin to think in greater abstractions and less in literal terms. Children below the age of five may feel there is one way to do things. Do you remember the “I do it myself!” stage? But as children move through ages 5-7, they begin to use symbols to represent concepts such as a math equation where 2 + 2 = 4. Socially, they see that the other child may have ideas about playing with a set of Legos that might be different from their own and have the ability to learn from those ideas.

A developing confident kid is one who is able to see that there are numerous sides to most issues. And there are as many perspectives as there are people in any given room. Children can fall into competitive cycles in which they only see their own side. And in sports, sometimes that’s useful. But in problem-solving, it’s not. Children need practice in thinking about the varied ways they might solve a problem. This creative thinking can spur them to ideas, dreams and inspirations that can contribute to their school lives, their imaginative play and their success later in the workplace and in their relationships. Imagine your son all grown up and with his spouse. She comes to him with a serious dilemma that threatens to unseat the firm foundation of their relationship. Your son, practiced in the art of brainstorming, will have the ability to think of the world of options in collaboration with his partner. He’ll be able to hear and attempt to understand her perspective before making any decisions that could affect their future together.

Our willingness to acknowledge that we only see half the picture creates the
conditions that make us more attractive to others. The more sincerely we acknowledge our need for their different insights and perspectives, the more they will be magnetized to join us.

– Margaret J. Wheatley

Strategy to practice brainstorming:
In order to practice brainstorming, you must understand the rules first.

1. Think of as many ideas as possible. Get creative.

2. Acknowledge that every idea is valid.

3. No criticisms or judgements of an idea should be made until all thoughts are articulated.

4. Piggybacking on someone else’s ideas is encouraged.

Practice brainstorming in simple ways. Make it a dinnertime or road trip game. Use the aforementioned rules with your family and throw out an enjoyable topic. See how many subjects in each category you can generate. Have a recorder write them down and count at the end. Each time you play, see if you can beat your last high idea score! Here are some topics to try.

Ice cream flavors
Action movies
Super heroes
Animals – in a part of the world (jungle, dessert)
Insects
Birds
Countries in the world
Colors
Fruits or vegetables
Types of transportation/Vehicles
Greatest songs of all time

What would you like to brainstorm with your family? How could it impact family disagreements and problem-solving?

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary. Retrieved on 9-23-14 at http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/brainstorm.

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Posted on September 18, 2014 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Raising Culturally Aware Children; An Interview with Louise Gomer Bangel

As we grow in awareness of one another – whether two people beginning a romance or two disparate and far-removed strangers taking an interest in the other’s culture – a wonderful thing begins to happen: we begin to care for the other as if the other is part of us. This is the magic of life that our ancient teachers have bid us to see; the invisible filaments of interconnectedness that bind us together in love and appreciation.

– Scott A. Hunt

This week, it was my honor to interview Louise Gomer Bangel, an educator, world traveler, social activist and founder of the Center for Peace Education and the Greater Cincinnati Center for Social and Emotional Learning. Louise started her career teaching math and quickly became a leading activist and advocate on peace and social justice issues including the rights of women, minorities, the economically disadvantaged and exceptional children. She founded the Center for Peace Education in Cincinnati thirty years ago where I served as an Executive Director for a time under her respected board leadership. She has authored multiple curricula on social and emotional skill building with a particular expertise in teaching bias awareness and cultural and diversity appreciation.

As I look around at the school where I am sending my son, I am aware that there is some diversity but there are so many more cultures in our community and in the world that I want to learn about with him. Global awareness and the appreciation of differences is high on our list of parenting priorities. But where do we begin? I asked some questions of Louise to get us started in hopes that it might help you and your family too.

How do parents raise children with open minds and an awareness of social issues?

Talk about social issues with your children. Give them the opportunity to hear different viewpoints. Take them to events that offer the opportunity to learn more about different cultures. It’s helpful if both their schools and religious congregations do that too.

Participate in activities and create friendships with people not like you. It’s very important to do things as a family with other people in the community from different ethnic and cultural backgrounds. Help your children learn about other cultures and people who look different and do things differently than your family.

Develop friendships with African Americans, Latin Americans, Asian Americans, immigrants from other nations, and people who are gay, lesbian or differently abled. Make it a point to do things with these friends. If your children attend a school with a diverse population, encourage the development of friendships with children different from them. Hopefully, these friendships will arise and develop without any help from you but your support and encouragement is important.

Find businesses that are owned and operated by people different from ourselves and become their customers or clients. These can be restaurants, medical professionals, shops, etc. It’s especially important to support African American businesses because of the special challenge white Americans have feeling comfortable doing that. Entrenched housing segregation and other aspects of our society mean many white Americans have very little chance to have positive and natural interactions with people of color, especially black people. It takes some special effort to counteract that.

Subscribe to newspapers and magazines that give children an opportunity to learn about the lives and interests of people of color or others different from themselves. In Cincinnati, you can subscribe to ”The Cincinnati Herald”; wherever you are, it’s easy to subscribe to Ebony, American Legacy Magazine and other magazines that teach children about different ethnic or cultural groups.

Take your kids to Atlanta to visit the Martin Luther King, Jr. Center for Nonviolent Social Change (The King Center) to expose them to its message of peace and justice as well as what people went through to improve civil rights for African Americans. Visit Montgomery, Alabama to see the Civil Rights Memorial and the Southern Poverty Law Center which seeks to bring justice to people wrongly accused or imprisoned or who have been attacked by hate groups. SPLC also works on improving prison conditions for teens as well as many other civil rights and justice issues.

In Cincinnati, visit the National Underground Railroad Freedom Center which teaches visitors about how important it is for each of us to be treated with respect and fairness. Besides telling the story of the Underground Railroad and the Civil Rights movement, The Freedom Center focuses on the effects of enslavement all over the world and how to help stop slavery. Seek out groups in your own community that are working to raise awareness and fair treatment for various targets of discrimination and misunderstanding. You and your family may want to take part in some of the activities of these groups.

Give your children the opportunity to learn at least one other language. Along with that will come awareness, knowledge and greater understanding about the groups speaking that language.

How do parents give their children a global perspective and help them not only become more locally aware but also aware of other cultures around the world? I know you travel extensively. If people do not have the resources or ability to travel, are there other ways parents might help their children become more globally aware?

If it is not realistic for your family to do much traveling, pick a country or area of the world to study as a family. Among other things, learn the important beliefs of these cultures, their life-cycle events, their dances and the games they play. Perhaps try some of the games yourselves and maybe with another family. Attend international festivals being held in your community or a festival celebrating just one particular group or culture. These usually occur spaced throughout the year.

Discuss world events with your family. Ask your children what they think about what is happening. Ask them if they have some ideas about what might help manage a conflict two or more countries are having or within a country.

Check out books from the library that offer stories, photos, art and information about other cultures, ethnic groups and nations around the world. Share information you discover through your own reading and other activities that will shed light on another country or the world as a whole.

Ask your children to share what they are learning in school about other countries and the way the world operates. Discuss environmental, economic and political concerns and how that may affect them. Talk about what might help resolve some of these concerns and if there are some actions you and your family could take that might make a positive difference.

Thank you, Louise for your excellent suggestions. Here are some websites, activities and picture books to support your family in taking next steps in learning about other cultures.

Sites:

Photos of Classroom around the World

The World’s Harvests – photos of farmers harvesting their crops all over the world

Where Children Sleep – photos of bedrooms of children from around the world

Breaking Bread Everywhere, Plentifully or Pitifully – photos of typical meals around the world

Culture Crossing – “A community built guide to cross-cultural etiquette and understanding”

Activities:

The Story of the Maligned Wolf

Read the story of the “Big Bad Wolf” from the wolf’s perspective and discuss with your children what they think of the different perspective. Talk about a time when they might see things differently than you, a peer or a teacher.1

Young Lady, Old Lady

Remember this picture? What do you see first? Can you see both the old and the young lady? View this with your children who likely have not seen it yet and help them understand that each individual sees with a different perspective.

Picture Books:

Whoever You Are by Mem Fox – The below video is a simple recording of someone ready this lovely book.

All Kinds of Families by Mary Ann Hoberman

All Kinds of Children by Norma Simon

Reference

1. Educators’ for Social Responsibility. Originally developed by Uvaldo Palomares et. al., A Curriculum on Conflict Management. San Diego, CA: Human Development Training Institute adapted from Fearn, L. (1974). The Maligned Wolf. San Diego, CA: Education Improvement Associates.

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Posted on September 16, 2014 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Elements of a Confident Kid… Belief in Self

/be – lef/

: a state or habit of mind in which trust or confidence is placed in some person or thing.
: a feeling of being sure that someone or something exists or that something is true.1

About a belief in self: Confident kids believe in their ability to learn and achieve whatever goal they desire. This belief in self has to do with self-concept but is more directly aligned with self-efficacy. Self-efficacy, or a sense that I can do or learn something, serves as a primary motivator and certainly a predictor of academic success. Children who believe they can will decide to take on greater and more difficult challenges than their self-doubting peers and work harder to meet those challenges.

There is evidence that self-efficacious students participate more readily, work harder, persist longer, and have fewer adverse emotional reactions when they encounter difficulties than do those who doubt their capabilities.2

Researchers have found that feelings of self-efficacy can be task-specific. In other words, I believe I can learn to swim but I doubt I can solve this math equation. These attitudes are influenced by parents, teachers, peers, and others in a child’s life. A child’s belief in himself to successfully do something can also be influenced by an innate temperament toward risk-taking or risk aversion. Knowing and understanding your child and their motivational influences can go a long way toward your ability to support her and provide a positive influence.

Strategies to promote a belief in self:

Brain educator, Stefanie Frank, author of the blog, “Brain Education for Youth” suggests trying visualization techniques. I asked from her perspective how I might help my six-year-old child learn to ride a bike when he is convinced he won’t be able to ride it without training wheels and is completely unmotivated to try. She writes,

As he is younger, it will be more of a challenge for him to engage in this the same we would as adults (since his prefrontal cortex is still maturing), but luckily the power of imagination and motivation are on his side! He could do some drawings of himself riding his bike with his friends, or use a Lego version of himself on a bike going to cool places so he can visualize it better, and you can definitely help him with imagining who he would tell first and what he would say when he accomplishes it – maybe even write a letter announcing it! You can also ask him where he would dream of going on his bike with all that freedom!

These are excellent suggestions. Additionally, here are a few other strategies to help with motivation and belief in self for a reluctant learner.

Tell the story of an already mastered skill.
“I built that Lego Millennium Falcon in four days and I didn’t even think it was hard,” exclaimed E. This gave me an opening to talk about the process of learning he went through to master the building of a highly complex spaceship. We have video proof of him as a three-year-old struggling with a pair of large Duplo blocks that serve as his first exposure to Legos. He played with those for a long time. Then he began working with the medium-sized blocks. And finally, he worked with the tiny bricks and built a sense of mastery over a period of three years. The story helps him see how much practice and effort went into that process. “I didn’t even know! I was just having fun,” he said after I told him the story of his learning process. So true. And it could be the same for learning to ride a bike or learning to read or do math equations. Learning can be fun when you really put your full self into the experience. You can forget about the effort and hard work.

Focus on the effort.
We tend to be a product-oriented society. But focusing on the end product can be demoralizing and demotivating for a child. For example, your young budding artist may have grand, gorgeous visions in her head of her piece of artwork. When she actually puts crayon to paper, the outcome may be less fantastic than she imagined. Focusing on children’s efforts and hard work shows that it’s their persistence that can help them learn and master anything. It places the value on the process of achieving a goal and encourages children to keep trying. Eventually, they will be able to implement their vision if they continue to work at it.

Believe in children’s ability to learn anything.
Regardless of your words, children know whether you have confidence in their abilities or not. They are so keenly attuned to our body language, facial expressions and subtleties that they just know. So what will it take to convince yourself that they can learn anything with hard work and time? Think about a specific example in which your child has struggled to learn something. Are you worried she might not learn it? Did you struggle with a task or subject as a child that you needed to learn but feared you couldn’t? How did you overcome that fear? How did you learn what you needed to? Reflecting on your own experiences helps you understand your own underlying beliefs about what can be learned. Realize that your beliefs quickly translate to your child. Make sure that you are reframing your own thinking so that you can truly be supportive of the hard work she has ahead of her to achieve mastery.

For further reading on this topic, check out,

The Story of Self

Cultivating a Sense of Competence

The Birth and Re-birth of Identity

References
1. Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary at http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/belief. Retrieved on 9-16-14.

2. Bandura, A. (1997). Self-efficacy: The Exercise of Control. NY: Freeman.

2. Zimmerman, B. J. (2000). Self-efficacy: An Essential Motive to Learn. Contemporary Education Psychology, 25, 82-91.

1 Comment

Posted on September 11, 2014 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Emotional Honesty

…When I want sincerity
tell me where else can I turn?
Because you’re the one I depend upon.

– Honesty by Billy Joel1

“I’m fine. Really. Fine.” From that statement, are you convinced that I’m fine? Even without hearing the tone of my voice, there’s a clear subtext. “I’m not fine. I can’t bring myself to talk about it. But I’m clearly not fine.” How often do we steel ourselves to get through the day or an activity numbing out our feelings for our own protection and perhaps the protection of those around us? Though sometimes it’s a useful strategy, it’s a confusing lesson to children who are watching and learning about emotions.

In our culture, the tendency is to view any emotion other than happiness as negative, weak and sometimes, downright embarrassing. Showing or expressing emotion is a vulnerable act, a high risk endeavor. It is often easier to gloss over the reality of our situation. At Starbucks when the Barista asks how you are doing today, “Fine.” is a perfect response. But with our most intimate connections, our family, “Fine.” is not enough for them to really know and understand you. Emotions, if we allow for them to do so, can be critical clues to our experience of life. If we ignore the clues, we shut out possibilities for learning and deeper connection.

So, why you might ask, is it important that I am honest with my family about my emotions day to day? What if I am regularly depressed or fearful? Who wants to hear about that? Perhaps just acknowledging that those feelings are a part of your daily life can help you begin to realize patterns, gain understanding and deal with them. It gives your family the opportunity to empathize with and support you. Children learn about their emotions through you, their models and mirrors. The more exposure they have to a variety of feelings, the language of feelings and how you choose to deal with those feelings, the more adept they become with their own self-awareness.

One coaching client, a Mom of a three and a five year old, practiced using feeling words with her children through games, a feelings poster and her own modeling and coaching. The five year olds’ teacher was unaware that her Mom was working on this at home. But in their parent-teacher conference, the teacher – unsolicited – relayed, “Your daughter is now clearly articulating her emotions.” In a preschool classroom, it’s a highly coveted skill utilized as children learn to get along with one another and adapt to the rules and routines of school. In fact, self-awareness can directly impact school success. Children can identify their emotions and make informed choices about their behavior. They can build upon their strengths and seek support for their challenges.

There are a number of simple ways we can become more emotionally honest in family life and give our children valuable practice in learning about the affective aspect of who they are. Try out a few of the following.

Use feeling words to describe yourself. Because hiding feelings tends to be a pervasive habit, adults may need practice in emotional honesty. It may take some discipline in order to do this. Set aside a week when you’ll note how you feel each day and communicate it to your family. This simple modeling alone is a powerful teaching tool for your children. It may even deepen your trust and connection with your family.

Expand your feelings vocabulary. We use this terrific feelings poster, “How Do You Feel Today?” by Cincinnati artist Jim Borgman.2 It helps to have a list of words. You can become more descriptive and specific with your feeling words and help your child do the same. Also check out this table below from the “EQ Fitness Handbook” by Jan Johnson. 3

Teach through games and books. Try out the Feelings Guessing Game at mealtime or on a longer car ride. Each person gets a chance to guess what another person in the family is feeling that day, when you thought they felt it and why. If a guess is correct, give a high five or fist bump. If they do not get it right, listen to the true feeling of the person who felt it and offer the guesser a second chance. For parents, see if you can come up with emotions beyond happy, sad and mad though not so complex that your children will not understand.

Make a point when you are reading your bedtime stories to stop and ask, “What do you think the main character is feeling?” This is a great opportunity to help with reading comprehension as well as emotional intelligence.

Practice and notice. If you are just getting started with your children, find simple opportunities to talk about emotions. When you are walking away from a winning game, ask how that made your child feel. As you practice with simpler emotions and times that are not high stakes, your children will become better able to communicate with you when there is greater upset.

Reinforce and remind. Notice when your children are able to articulate their emotions and use feeling words when they tell stories. Your daughter may tell you, “Momma, I think (little brother) Connor is sad.” These are seeds of empathy. You may say, “Ella, you noticed when Connor was feeling sad. That’s going to help you be an even better big sister.”
And after a powerful upset has occurred and your child is calming down, then ask, “How were you feeling?” Particularly with preschool age children, you may need to offer specific words and ask if they accurately describe their feelings.

Resist “fixing” too quickly. This last one is written specifically for me. I am a fixer. I want to take away hurts the minute they begin. And so when there is upset, I go into fix-it mode right away…sometimes, even before I fully understand the problem at hand and the emotions that are a part of it. Put your tools away while you are listening to an upset child. Keep yourself open to what they have to say. Help them to “cool” down and get through the conversation because often times, the simple act of communicating when there’s intense anger or anxiety can be extremely difficult. Show patience and allow your child the space to calm down and then to talk about it without skipping to the quick fix.

Emotional honesty can be a great challenge since we are well-rehearsed at putting on a happy face. When we hide our true feelings, we hide ourselves along with it and shield our children from knowing who we are and in turn, helping them know themselves.

References

1. Joel, B. (1978). Honesty. On 52nd Street Album (Record). Colorado Springs, CO: Impulsive Music.

2. Borgman, J. How Do You Feel Today? How Do You Feel Today Productions.

3. Johnson, J. (2010). EQ Fitness Handbook; You In Relationship. 300 Daily Practices to Build EQ Fitness. Seattle, WA: Learning In Action Technologies.

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Posted on September 9, 2014 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Elements of a Confident Kid… Skilled Listener

Listen

/li – sn/

to pay attention to someone or something in order to hear what is being said, sung, played, etc.

to hear what someone has said and understand that it is serious, important or true.1

About Listening: The ability to listen and to try and fully understand another person’s perspective is one hallmark of an emotionally intelligent person and certainly a confident kid. And there are a variety of types of listening including active, reflective, informational, critical, empathic and therapeutic. Listening is a skill that must be honed and practiced. With so many distractions in daily life, making it a priority can be a challenge particularly with family whom we see everyday, multiple times a day. However, listening may be the single most important way you contribute to your family relationships. Your ability to focus on your family members can offer you insight into their most intimate hopes and challenges. Your efforts will result in modeling and practice for your children. And with that regular practice, you will be able to better empathize with their feelings and help them understand and deal with problems.

Strategy to Promote Listening: You will be offering valuable modeling to your children as you listen with focus and empathy to them. Because listening requires self-awareness and discipline, it can be helpful to pick a specific time of day when you choose to turn off electronic devices and allow yourself to be fully available to your children for whatever they choose to discuss.

When teaching school-age children listening skills, the Responsive Classroom approach shows students how to ask a relevant question or make an empathetic comment in response to a person who has shared something. It may be surprising how challenging it is to adhere to their reflective listening guidelines.2 Try this out with your children and model how your children can become more effective listeners.

Ask a relevant question.
This may mean seeking clarification about something that has been shared to find out further details.

“My math class was so boring today.” your child may relay.

A natural clarifying question might be, “What was boring about it?”

Be certain to leave empty space, or “wait time” for a response. Often our thoughts are cut short by continued conversation. Allow thinking to take place. Though silence can be uncomfortable, it’s often necessary in order to gain a substantive response.

Make an empathetic comment.
This response focuses on the person and whatever she has shared with you. Often we are tempted, in order to relate to another’s situation, to share our own feelings or even a story about ourselves that demonstrates we understand. However, that kind of comment can take the focus away from the sharer and her situation.

“I don’t know if Amy considers me a friend anymore. She hasn’t been talking to me after class like she used to.” your child may say.

“Amy has been your friend for a long time. It sounds like you really miss talking to her.” would be an empathetic response.

“My friend, Hannah, will often not get in touch for weeks but then, when she does call, we connect just as if a day has not passed.” would not be the kind of empathetic comment that focuses on the sharer. Though the comment makes a connection, it removes the focus from your child’s situation with Amy to your own.

Try out these two distinct forms of reflective listening during your sacred time with your children and see if you feel more confident in your modeling of effective communication.

For more ideas on listening and games you can use with your children, read “Say What?”

1. Merriam-Webster Dictionary Online. Retrieved from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/listen on 9-8-14.

2. Kriete, R. (2002). The Morning Meeting Book. Turners Falls, MA: Northeast Foundation for Children.

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Posted on September 4, 2014 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Language that Promotes Self-Discipline and Responsibility

I think of discipline as the continual everyday process of helping a child learn self-discipline.

– Fred Rogers

School has begun. After a few weeks pass, the excitement seems to wear off. Jumping out of bed may change to dawdling. After all, learning is hard work and attention to rules, the following of routines and the business of school in general does not motivate the average child. So how can we proactively think about the days to come and prepare ourselves for keeping on track?

I notice, despite my best intentions and knowledge of how I would ideally conduct the morning routine, I begin to nag. “Finish your breakfast.” “Take in your dishes.” “Get dressed.” “You forgot your socks?” “Come on, we’re going to be late!” The pitch crescendoes as the nagging progresses. Though it often feels necessary, I know there’s a better way.

Because I am an educator, I often look to the best practices of the teachers whom I admire the most and ask, “What would they do in these circumstances?” They may respectfully laugh at my one child as opposed to their 20+ shining faces. And then they would tell me there is indeed a better way.

Self-discipline is a learned skill that must be exercised and practiced over the course of childhood into adulthood. Frustrated parents may feel it is an elusive concept. “How can I help my six year old practice self-discipline?” It is a critical skill requiring impulse control in order for a person to achieve any goal, big or small. But we don’t set aside twenty minutes each week for a lesson at home on self-discipline. Though it can have just as great an impact on a life as mastering the piano, an allotted time to practice is simply not practical in family life. So then, we must look to our daily routines and see if there are windows of opportunity for practice. The morning routine is a perfect chance if we approach it as such.

If I involve my child in planning out his morning routine in advance, formalizing it (writing it down) and ensuring that we’ve gone through each step and eliminated any potential problems (i.e. Mommy forgot to wash the socks), then he is better prepared for success. But what happens when, inevitably, he moves slowly or things go awry? My mommy nagging instinct may kick in. Instead I remind him about his plan for the morning routine. And I reinforce, or notice, when he is demonstrating he knows what to do and how to move it along. “What’s the difference?“ you may ask. The difference lies in the tone. For example, you may be tempted to bark,

“Jack Miller, what are you supposed to be doing now? Get upstairs and brush your teeth. Hurry up, kid. Do you want us to be late? You know where the toothpaste is!” And then,

“Why can’t you move faster? You did the other morning!”

Versus

Calmly and without strong emotion: “What’s next on our routine poster? Remember, we said you could brush your teeth in two minutes while we set the timer? Ready, go.” And then,

“I notice you accomplished your goal. You left the bathroom before the timer went off.”

The difference is significant. In the first example, the parent is attempting to control his behavior and so he feels no ownership. He may even feel a sense of rebellion and want to slow down. Certainly he does not leave the interaction with a sense of empowerment. But in the second example, the child has established his own plan with your support. Your reminders are helpful and firm. You are being his coach. I suspect that he’ll get the job done, feel that he has achieved his small morning goal himself and start the day feeling positively about his capabilities. The following are some additional examples.

Nagging:

“Your room is a pig sty. Clean it up!”

Promoting self-discipline:

“Do you want help with putting away your books or your Legos?”
(Offer a limited choice, both of which would accomplish the goal and be acceptable to you.)

Nagging:
“Come on. It’s time to do your homework. You’ve got to get it done. Five more minutes
and then you’ve got to work on it….”

Promoting self-discipline:

“When the timer goes off, homework begins.”
(Use a timer as a reminder and a support for transitions.)

Nagging:

“We have to leave the playground now. We’ve got to go. We’ll be late for dinner.”… “Okay, one last time but then, we have to go!”

Promoting self-discipline:

“Pick your last activity on the playground. What will it be?”
(Set expectations. Give one simple choice and then, move on. Don’t leave room for negotiations.)

Nagging:

“It’s time to go to piano lessons. Get on your shoes. Come on. Put that toy away. Come on. We are going to be late.”

Promoting self-discipline:

“It’s time to go to piano lessons. You’ll need your shoes.”
(Be direct, brief, calm, say it once and give one direction at a time. Move on with your own preparations.)

But the most powerful way to promote self-disciplined behaviors is to notice and point out when you see your child acting responsibly – even in small ways. Particularly if you are having difficulty with a routine or rule, become a keen observer of your child’s behavior. Every time they improve or demonstrate responsibility, call it out. “I notice you put your bath toys back in the bin on your own.” You don’t need to shower them with praise. Just your attention to their positive behavior will be their greatest reward. Often we become sensitized to our children’s missteps and get in the habit of correcting them over and again. Instead think about how you may reinforce the positive behaviors and then model and teach those that you don’t see happening.

These small opportunities in a daily routine to facilitate our children’s practice of self-discipline can and will accumulate over the years preparing our children to take on greater and more meaningful challenges. They will have internalized what it takes to be self-disciplined and in turn, use that skill to achieve their dreams – and yours along with them.

For further reading on encouraging and teaching positive behaviors through language, check out:

Denton, P. (2007). The Power of Our Words; Teacher Language that Helps Children Learn. Turners Falls, MA: Northeast Foundation for Children.

Nelsen, J., Erwin, C. & Duffy, R.A. (2007). Positive Discipline for Preschoolers (3rd. Edition). NY: Three Rivers Press.

Nelsen, J. (2006). Positive Discipline. NY: Ballantine Books.

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Posted on September 2, 2014 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Elements of a Confident Kid… Being Helpful

helpful

/help-fel/

making it easier to do a job, deal with a problem

willing to help other people1

About Being Helpful and Being Helped: The ability to help others requires self-awareness and social awareness. The helper must identify ways in which he can contribute to solving other’s problems or promoting another’s well-being. He must also have a keen awareness of and sensitivity to those around him. He must be empathetic. Children at various ages and stages want to be helpful and contribute to others. During the preschool years (ages 3-5), children begin to look for ways to help others as they work on their own understanding of social rules and norms. Tweens who are entering the middle school years begin to take on an interest in social justice making it a prime time to introduce service as a means to better understand community problems and work toward solutions. Researcher Richard Catalano and his colleagues found that participation in communities helped students develop stronger connections to the community norms and values, thereby contributing to community cohesion.2 This helps give kids a sense of contribution, a feeling of competence and a greater connection to the community.

In addition to being a helper, confident children know how and when to ask for help when they need it. This is as critical a skill as the first. Kids can be taught to look for other adults in whom they can place their trust. For example, my son has severe allergies that can quickly land him in the hospital. I communicate with all of the adults in his life (teachers, school nurse, friends, grandparents and sitters) about what to do in the event of a life-threatening emergency. But we also prepare our son. He must trust the adults in his life to help him and he has to know when he should ask for help. When the Sandy Hook Elementary School tragedy occurred, one of my posts included this wise quote from Mister Rogers which holds true in many varied contexts:

When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of ‘disaster,’ I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers – so many caring people in this world.3

Statistically, it’s highly unlikely that your child will be harmed by a stranger but it’s much more likely they may be helped. Whether your child is lost in a large store, stuck on an elevator or caught in the midst of a natural disaster, she needs to look to other adults and possibly rely on the kindness of strangers to help her when she needs it most.

Additionally, there are moments when we are witness to someone who is hurt. Particularly in public situations we may think, “Someone else will stop and help.” You can always choose to be that someone that helps. Model for your children and encourage them to get involved. They don’t need to put themselves in harm’s way but they can certainly recruit an adult to intervene in a difficult situation.

Strategy to Promote Helpfulness: Modeling is one of the most powerful ways to practice helpfulness with any age child. Involve your child in the process and preparations of helping another. It could be as simple as opening the door for someone in a wheelchair. Make your thinking visible to your child by simply commenting on your thought process. You might say, “That woman may have struggled with getting in the door. Thanks for assisting me in helping her. Can you imagine what it’s like for her to get around in a wheel chair?”

Also reaching out and appreciating people who are different from you can help children feel more connected and responsible for the welfare of others. The Dalai Lama funds a research center at Stanford University that is looking at the physical connections and impacts of altruism and compassion. In an interview about the center, he discusses the evolutionary tendency to help your own tribe and not others.

Ultimately this doesn’t work for the greater good. To overcome these natural mechanisms, certain techniques help: simply looking at that other group, whose members you would not normally feel kinship with, and saying, “Well, it turns out that they want their children to be educated like mine. They have the same interest in seeing X, Y or Z occur, just like me.” It has a profound effect on how you perceive your responsibility to others. It gives you the realization of our shared humanity and interdependence. It changes how you interact.4

Strategy to Promote Asking for Help: You can model and involve your child in asking for help as well. But first, reflect on your own beliefs about asking for help. When do you ask for help? Who are you willing to ask? And what kind of help are you willing to receive? Once you’ve reflected on your own boundaries regarding seeking help, you will be able to model and talk it through with your children. Also for safety purposes, advise your children to look for caring Moms and Dads, store employees in uniform or police officers when you are not with them. Taking these few steps to prepare your child for helping and being helped can give them the confidence they need.

References

1. Merriam-Webster Dictionary Online. Retrieved from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/helpful on 8-26-14.

2. Catalano, R. F., Haggerty, K. P., Oesterle, S., Fleming, C. B., and Hawkins, J. D. (2004). The importance of bonding to school for healthy development: Findings from the Social Development Research Group (pp. 252–261). Journal of School Health, 74(7).

3. Rogers, F. (2005). Life’s Journeys According to Mister Rogers; Things to Remember Along the Way. New York: Hyperion.

4. Svoboda, E. (2013). Can You Teach Compassion? Stanford’s Investment in Altruism Research, Funded by the Dalai Lama. New Scientist.

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