Tonight, join me and colleague, Jayne Greenberg, Director of Physical Education and Health Literacy for Miami-Dade County Public Schools for “The Power of Play” to talk about how play can impact children’s development and also what kinds of roles we can play as parents to encourage it. Check out Twitter at #ToolkitTalk at 7:00 p.m. EST.
The following includes my opening remarks to set the tone for our local discussion and the national Education Nation live broadcast in Baltimore on “Supporting Our Students, It Takes Everyone.” After my introduction, there are some of the questions and comments that were raised in this rich, lively discussion.
Believing is all a child does for a living. – Philadelphia Poet, Kurtis Lamkin
Tonight we are talking about how to keep that hope alive. You are here because you play a significant role in the lives of children. Either you are a community leader, a direct service provider or, like me, a parent on the front lines of trying to maximize your child’s development everyday. Parents can act as change makers if we work together to solve our problems.
And we do have problems to solve. When black and multi-racial students who graduate from high school struggle to get a college degree and face daunting job prospects, we still have work to do. And let’s look at our city, Columbus Public Schools, the largest district in our state. On the State School Report Card, Columbus City Schools received an “A” for overall progress so we are moving in the right direction. We have strengths from which to build. But the district received “D”s and “F”s for achievement and an “F” for closing the achievement gap.
We can draw upon science to help us solve our problems. I can only share my perspectives as a white educator who cares deeply about providing high quality learning supports for all of our children. When I enter a conversation on race, I become awash with feelings of fear, shame and guilt. And the emotional intelligence educator in me knows that I am beginning that conversation with the use of my survival brain. This is the part that allows me 
only two choices – fight or flight. Now when it comes to fighting, I teach nonviolence. I escort insects out of our house and release them into the wild so fists aren’t an option for me. But I fight with my defenses, my excuses. And that’s not good enough. We have to have the courage to lean into these hard conversations to solve our toughest problems.
So I know that first, I need to calm down. I need to breathe. Do it with me now. Let’s take three collective deep breaths. This opens us up and gives us access to the logical part of our brain and the creative part of our brain so that we can bring our best selves to work on these thorny issues.
And we can do this at home with our children. What if each time you felt angry with what you saw on the news, you told your family, “I need a minute to calm down.”? Or when you are feeling overwhelmed with anxiety and fear from the violence you see on our community streets, you ask your family to give you a moment to calm down? You may plop down in the middle of your living room and just breathe. Those moments will teach your child self-management skills. So that when he goes out into the world and you are not there to protect him, he can deal with intense feelings with emotional intelligence.
So I am working very hard to model self-management skills with my son. I am supporting his learning at home. I am exposing him to differing perspectives to raise him with an open mind. And I am so busy about my important business that my head is down. And I haven’t look up long enough to see across the street – to the child who is my son’s age. For whatever complex family reasons I cannot possibly understand, he is alone, angry and hurt. And it seems to build day by day. He takes it out on his video games or occasionally kicking a cat but there is a stranglehold on his spirit. And one day, he feels like he’s going to explode. His Dad’s collection of guns are left out for cleaning and this son is alone in the house yet again. He picks up a gun and walks outside feeling overwhelmed by his life. He sees my son who is playing in the yard. He knows my son receives lots of attention. And he shoots my son. And my life as a parent is over (deep breath).
This is the meaning of “It Takes Everyone.” It’s not enough to care at home. It’s not enough to only love our families. We need to care for our neighbors, our community, our city schools. We need to lift our heads long enough to notice one’s another’s pain and become compassionate. Get involved. Get into the conversation.
Tonight we will be hearing from the Education Nation national panelists in Baltimore on six topics related to: 1. parent engagement in learning, 2. healthy physical development, 3. social and emotional development, 4. Baltimore and how they have worked to heal after Freddie Gray’s death and the protests following, 5. advocating for equity in schools and 6. supports for higher education.
We care about your questions and comments during each segment so please submit them on your index cards at your seat. It is our hope that this will energize our local conversation. And we are committed to following up. So please fill out your interest cards so that we know what topics you are 
committed to discussing further and how you would like to see this conversation move forward.
The following are some of the questions and comments that were submitted from our local Columbus Watch Party:
Columbus is “resource rich” in the words of a Kirwan Institute report. What can be done, where can one go to find out about the resources available?
The Columbus Urban League has an initiative called Neighborhood Violence Intervention Program which deals with the youth who are not engaged in school but greatly impact what goes on in school such as, gang-involved youth. Does Baltimore employ any strategies that address the challenges with these youth?
The principal and some of the teachers pick random children to fail or mentally abuse causing them to want to give up. How do we correct this action and help our children regain trust in their educators or principals in order for them to have the same equal opportunities as every child in school wanting to learn? How do you remove the negative perceptions of a child’s character as he/she moves through K-12 and even college?
Since approximately one out of five school-age children speak a language other than English at home, how are schools engaging with parents who speak another language at home to bring their knowledge, experiences and perspectives to the school to make connections?
What resources are available to connect youth and families to social and emotional skills during the summertime outside of school particularly those children who have emotional challenges?
We need to have courage in facing our problems and the belief that we can make a difference. Mentoring, pairing a caring adult with a child, can make a significant difference in a child’s motivation to learn and achieve. They feel supported. So many of the national panelists referred to relationships being central to success. We work on family literacy so that there is reading together at home creating connections around stories. Poverty can have a huge impact on academic readiness and success to how we work to meet kids’ needs whether its good nutrition throughout the day or mental health supports, we have to look at all those ways that we can meet children’s basic needs so that they are able to learn. (paraphrased from comment by Alleshia Gillison, Parent Teacher Association)
In Columbus City Schools, we are working on policies that address the whole child. We have implemented Positive Behavioral Intervention Supports to reinforce positive behaviors. We are just starting a Restorative Justice program so that students who regularly get suspended can take responsibility for their actions and give back to the school community to make amends. We have resource officers and police in our schools to develop those relationships with kids in as many as seventeen of our schools. And we have partnerships with the City of Columbus to promote higher education through events at our city parks. We will be engaging in the college education signing day in late April. (paraphrased from remarks by Michael Cole, Columbus Board of Education).
I am grateful to FutureReady Columbus for organizing this event and for the partnership of the Ohio State University’s College of Education and Human Ecology providing an ideal venue. Thank you, #EducationNation, #ParentToolkit and Pearson for such a high-quality dialogue at the national level giving us much to discuss at our local level. I hope you’ll watch this success story of an incredible mother and her son from the national broadcast…
I am eagerly awaiting our watch party tonight at Ohio State University of the NBC Education Nation broadcast entitled “Supporting Our Students, It Takes Everyone,” sponsored by the NBC Parent Toolkit and Pearson Education. FutureReady Columbus and Ohio State University College of Education and Human Ecology are partnering to host our local gathering of 200 parents and community leaders. The purpose of the event is to raise a national conversation in concert with local conversations about how parents can be involved in their child’s education, support healthy development, prepare for higher education and constructively address issues of income, racial and cultural divides and the impacts on children’s success. Resources for parents will be shared to help them best support their children through
– engaging in the school and community
– promoting healthy physical development
– supporting social and emotional development
– teaching equity and inclusion
– promoting higher learning
NBC News Education Nation is convening parents, thought leaders, policy makers, teachers and students for a live, two-hour forum in Baltimore, to rally communities nationwide in supporting students’ education in the classroom and beyond. Produced by NBC News Education Nation with Baltimore affiliate WBAL-TV, and supported by Pearson, this event will be live-streamed on ParentToolkit.com, NBCLearn.com, NBC News, MSNBC and broadcast on WBAL-TV. Coinciding around the one-year anniversary of Freddie Gray’s death, the event will touch on last year’s civil unrest and the impact on students in Baltimore, as well as broader issues faced by students across the U.S., such as access to healthy food options for low-income families, closing the achievement gap, and how to encourage students to pursue higher education. Each panel discussion will be moderated by NBC News Chief Education Correspondent Rehema Ellis, and will be kicked off by a video or TED Talk-style presentation. While there are invited guests, the program will be beneficial for families across the country who watch the live stream of the event and join the conversation on social media platforms. Watch the live streaming of the event on the Parent Toolkit site tonight, Thursday, April 14, 2016 from 6:00-8:00 p.m. EST.
Did you know that play is an essential part of how kids develop social and emotional skills? Find out how and what you can do to support it. Mark your calendar! Let’s talk about “The Power of Play!” I’ll be discussing the impact of play on kids’ cognitive, social and emotional development and my colleague, Jayne Greenberg, Director of Physical Education and Healthy Literacy for Miami-Dade County Public Schools, will bring her expertise on physical development. Hosted by NBC Education Nation’s Parent Toolkit, join us Next Tuesday, April 19th at 7:00 p.m. EST on Twitter at #ToolkTalk.
How do we, as parents, help our kids experience and develop compassion? It’s a concern of mine as I look around me and notice my family’s eyes glued to screens and those activities encroaching on my child’s attention. And when he looks up, is he so busy with school work or Legos that he can only focus on his own needs? But then I recalled my son engaging in a small act of compassion without my prompting and I had reason for hope. It cued me into ways to foster compassion in our children.
It was morning circle time at preschool. Parents and kids were gathered on the floor to listen and participate. We typically sang a song together and the teacher shared announcements. My son’s friend, Tony was itching to tell my son E something. He squirmed in his seat. A few times, he caught himself starting a conversation and then would clamp his hand down on his mouth turning back to face his teacher. He knew he should be listening. I noticed E was aware of his eagerness too.
After circle time, E turned to Tony and asked, “What do you want to tell me?” Tony started and stopped numerous times struggling to find the words. You could see by his wide-eyed expression that this was incredibly important to him. E remained patient while Tony stuttered as his classmates hurried around him heading to the various play stations to start the day. Finally, Tony told E that his Dad couldn’t stay for the morning circle. Last evening, his Dad had fallen in the basement and it had resulted in a bad headache that morning. I watched as E listened so intently to a story that took far longer than a preschooler’s typical attention span. I hung back and noticed E making eye contact and waiting while Tony got out his full story. After, E asked, “Did the fall hurt?” He waited again patiently for Tony’s response and then asked, “Do you think he’s going to be okay today?” Tony assured himself as much as he assured E that yes, his Dad was going to be okay. And I watched as the two of them ran off to the sand table to play, Tony now smiling.
The word compassion means “to suffer together.” Though empathy is related – understanding the thoughts and feelings of another – compassion takes those feelings a step further with the desire to act on those feelings to provide help or support. Sometimes that help or support requires great effort and grand gestures although more often, it involves patience, understanding, listening and being there for a person who is clearly in pain. To truly show compassion is difficult. First, it requires noticing what’s going with others – their thoughts and feelings. So the first step toward compassion is empathy, which alone is tough to master. But then, after we work to feel others’ emotions, we must allow ourselves to “hang in there” with them to help them through whatever it is they are going through.
Adults can become quite adept at shutting down those feelings since, through experience, they know it’s going to be painful. Often we feel we have enough pain of our own. So we feel we are unable to take on another’s. Yet the deepest intimacies and connections are formed through our allowance of that kind of compassion. Daniel Goleman, bestselling author of Emotional Intelligence and Focus, The Hidden Driver of Excellence, says our brains are hard-wired for helping others so that in order to become compassionate, we simply have to notice that another is suffering. He told a story in his TED Talk about seeing a man shirtless and on the ground in the subway. He noticed multitudes of people just walking over him not really noticing him. Daniel bent down to check on him and when he did, suddenly, a dozen others noticed. They found he was starving and had passed out. So in mere minutes, that man was sipping orange juice, holding a hot dog and being revived through the nourishment of strangers. It all started with noticing.
Recently, my friend and collaborator, Shannon Wanless, a developmental psychologist said so eloquently, “It is those small everyday moments that define the parent that we are.” So true. And with that in mind, here are a few thoughts on how we might cultivate compassion with our family members.
Notice hurt or suffering. Because of our automatic tendency to avoid pain, we have to actively work to notice other’s pain. Otherwise, our default may kick in and we may not see what or who is right in front of us. As we notice and comment to our children on other’s pain, we build awareness in our children. My son has always been fascinated by ambulances. But as we know, there is a painful back story to every siren’s call. So I talk about that with my son each time one passes by us. And we think about those individuals, family members and the emergency medical team with the person and hope they will be okay.
Model and practice listening skills. As Steven Covey wrote, “When you really listen to another person from their point of view, and reflect back to them that understanding, it’s like giving them emotional oxygen.” E did that for his friend Tony in preschool and helped him return to his play and learning. We all can use practice in our busy lives. Some listening skills to practice are
Demonstrate care. Take a moment to examine your own approach to others. Are you accepting of family members? Neighbors? Colleagues? Friends? Do your conversations with your spouse include statements of understanding, compassion and empathy for those who are different or even who may challenge you? Whether you believe your child is listening or not, the perceptions of you and your partner are internalized by your child and become your family’s culture. Taking some time to reflect on your own values and how you communicate interpersonal problems among family members can set the tone for how your child deals with the outside world.
Use caring conversation tools. Some schools teach children to use a hand signal – thumb pointed to self and pinky finger pointed outward – to offer a “Me too!” while someone is sharing an experience. This allows for connection without interruption. Also practice identifying the feeling in any thoughts shared. For example, “How do you think that made Dad feel today when his boss called him into his office?” And also, distinguish between a person and her choices.
A child is tempted to say “I don’t like Billy.” when Billy takes her toy. Instead help her rephrase and reframe her thoughts to say “I don’t like that Billy took my toy.” Every child makes poor choices but each child can feel like they still belong in a family, classroom or friendship circle.
Encourage cross-age kindness and connection. Whether you have siblings or neighbors of various ages, there is an opportunity to create relationships with children who are different – going through different developmental milestones and experiencing different friendships and curricula during the school day. This becomes great practice for acceptance and inclusion. Do not allow siblings or children in a neighborhood group to be marginalized. Encourage your child to be the one to reach out and include the child who is being left out. With siblings, encourage older siblings to care for younger ones and involve them in play at the level they are able.
Discuss what it means to be a good friend. What it means to be a friend can be a regular topic for conversation to revisit as your child grows and changes. What does it mean to you to be a good friend? How do you feel when you are excluded? How can you make new children in
your school or neighborhood feel welcome? It’s easy to tell children what not to do (and
important in establishing boundaries) but it’s equally important to think through with them what they can and should do instead.
As I reflected on cultivating compassion, I realized, as a parent, I have to lead the way. I have to take those everyday moments to notice the ambulance and the people inside it, to notice the neighbor who is struggling to bring in her garbage can and the friend whose face is wrinkled with worries. My simple intention to do this – to notice – will make all of the difference in raising a compassionate child.
Picture Books on Compassion:
Just Because by Rebecca Elliott
A brother loves his sister who has exceptional needs just because.
Rabbit’s Gift by George Shannon
Woodland animals pass on to each other a turnip left as an anonymous gift.
Four Feet, Two Sandals by Karen Williams
Two young Afghani girls in a refugee camp share one pair of sandals.
The Can Man by Laura E. Williams
A young boy wants to earn money for a skateboard by collecting cans but changes his mind after seeing a homeless man also collecting cans.
Young Adult Fiction:
Wonder by R.J. Palacio
Born with a facial deformity, a fifth grade boy deals with trying to be ordinary while the kids around him act either kind and brave or horribly and mean.
I am honored to be facilitating a watch party in my hometown, Columbus, Ohio of an NBC Education Nation broadcast entitled “Supporting Our Students, It Takes Everyone,” sponsored by the NBC Parent Toolkit and Pearson Education. FutureReady Columbus and Ohio State University are partnering to host our local gathering of 200 parents and community leaders. The purpose of the event is to raise a national conversation in concert with local conversations about how parents can be involved in their child’s education, support healthy development, prepare for higher education and constructively address issues of income, racial and cultural divides and their impacts on children’s success. Resources for parents will be shared to help them best support their children through
NBC News Education Nation is convening parents, thought leaders, policy makers, teachers and students for a live, two-hour forum in Baltimore, to rally communities nationwide in supporting students’ education in the classroom and beyond. Produced by NBC News Education Nation with Baltimore affiliate WBAL-TV, and supported by Pearson, this event will be live-streamed on ParentToolkit.com, NBCLearn.com, NBC News, MSNBC and broadcast on WBAL-TV. Coinciding around the one-year anniversary of Freddie Gray’s death, the event will touch on last year’s civil unrest and the impact on students in Baltimore, as well as broader issues faced by students across the U.S., such as access to healthy food options for low-income families, closing the achievement gap, and how to encourage students to pursue higher education.
Each panel discussion will be moderated by NBC News Chief Education Correspondent Rehema Ellis, and will be kicked off by a video or TED Talk-style presentation. While there are invited guests, the program will be beneficial for families across the country who watch the live stream of the event and join the conversation on social media platforms. Watch the live streaming of the event on the Parent Toolkit site on Thursday, April 14, 2016 from 6:00-8:00 p.m. EST.
We must widen… “our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” – Albert Einstein
“Feed the birds, Mom. Don’t forget today,” E tells me with fervor on one of the last freezing cold days of Winter while the birds chirped longingly for Spring. He heard them on our short walk to our car before school and recognized their need for food. And I appreciated the prompting. Empathy, though crucial to our very survival, is not unique to human beings. Researchers have documented the origins of empathy in numerous animal species. 1 And if you have ever had a pet dog or cat, you likely have experienced this firsthand. When a family member is crying, a cat will come over, sit on the person’s lap, purr and generally, offer comfort. Empathy, our ability to feel another’s feelings and take another’s perspectives, is evidenced from our earliest days when infants cry at the sound of another’s crying. In primates, it’s true as well. But when outsiders pose a threat (in the primate and human worlds), the feeling changes to defense and sometimes aggression. The greatest challenge of our time, writes Frans de Waal an expert on primates, is the “globalization by a tribal species.”1 In other words, empathy, moral thinking and collaboration are more supportive of our global inter-dependence in contrast to competition, defense and us-and-them thinking.
Though we have a natural proclivity toward empathy in conducive circumstances, the skills and thought processes of empathy can be cultivated and honed throughout childhood. In fact, children who demonstrate empathy also show greater social skills, healthy friendships and academic achievement.2 There’s strong evidence to support parents’ significant role in the development of empathy. Parents who are responsive and non-punitive help children develop higher levels of prosocial behavior.3 In addition, there are numerous ways parents and schools can influence the development of empathy. Talking about feelings, exploring consequences to actions and facilitating caring behaviors all contribute.
Springtime is a perfect opportunity to connect to the natural world around you and involve your child in the practice of caring and empathy for other living creatures. My son has been gently moving an extended ladybug community in our bathroom to the outdoors. Even the smallest act can demonstrate the seeds of moral development. Get outside with your children. Explore and while doing so show your respect and care for other living beings. In addition, here are some other ideas to try.
Plant a seed.
E and I have been busy planning for the new vegetable garden we are putting in this year. He cannot wait to plant pumpkin seeds, tend to them and reap the harvest in the Fall. Simply planting one seed whether it’s in the yard or in a cup in your window will give children the experience of tending to a seedling, caring for it and watching it grow. 
Though you may need to set aside time each day to water the plant and perhaps provide a gentle reminder, be certain to let your child do the watering and care to allow him the full experience of being responsible for a living thing. For more specific ideas and guidance, check out http://www.kidsgardening.org from the National Gardening Association.
Take a nature treasure walk.
Kids don’t have to be convinced to look for natural treasures on a walk. On our walks in central Ohio, we can easily find buckeyes, rocks – some with fossils, bird feathers and more. Along the way because of your careful observation, you might spy interesting creatures running up trees or under rocks. Create a box or other repository for your treasures and at season’s end, display your collection.
Care for your backyard animals.
We fed a resident bunny with carrots over the long, cold winter and delighted in watching the carrots disappear overnight. Putting out nuts for squirrels and chipmunks or birdseed to attract local birds can be a delight and a process of discovery for a child.
Pick up litter.
Doing any activity to clean up the environment will help show care. Wear gloves and go to your local park and pick up trash. Talk about the effects of litter on animals that might live there. Perhaps, take a picnic snack to enjoy at the end of your efforts to bask in the beautiful environment to which you’ve contributed (and of course, afterward, recycle that wrapper!).
Create your own species list.
Avid “birders” create a “life list” in which they note every type of bird they have the chance to view. Do this over the Spring and Summer. Take a notebook on your walks and note the different species you observe. If you find a creature you cannot identify, look it up together and learn more about it.
Photograph or draw beauty.
With a camera in hand or a drawing pad at the ready, you and your child may notice details you had not previously observed. Participating in nature as an artist helps enhance your own sensitivity to the environment. Your keen observation can also contribute to feelings of empathy.
In this season of rebirth and new life, being intentional about the experience of nature with your child can enrich your experiences and deepen your connection. It can also help widen your family’s circle of compassion.
I love this book by Scott D. Sampson:
How to Raise a Wild Child, The Art and Science of Falling in Love with Nature
References
1. Waal, F. D. (2010). The Age of Empathy: Nature’s Lessons for a Kinder Society. NYC, NY: Broadway Books.
2. Bonner, T. D., & Aspy, D. N. A Study of the Relationship Between Student Empathy and GPA. Humanistic Education and Development. 22/4 (1984): 149- 154.
3. Eisenberg, N. (ed.). Empathy and Related Emotional Responses. No. 44 in New Directions for Child Development series. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, Inc., 1989.
Originally published on April 2, 2015.
Practicing Mindfulness in Family LifeThe sun is nervous
as a kite
that can’t quite keep
its own string tight.
Some days are fair,
and some are raw.
The timid earth
decides to thaw.
Shy budlets peep
from twigs on trees,
and robins join
the chickadees.
Pale crocuses
poke through the ground
like noses come
to sniff around.
The mud smells happy
on our shoes.
We still wear mittens
which we lose.
– March by John Updike
Spring is a time of new life and can also be an ideal opportunity to work on awareness with your children. As a weekend gardener, I am noticing my tulips and daffodils emerging from the soil and the very tips of leaf buds on the trees. I am often amazed by the details that my son notices around him as we go through our day. But I shouldn’t be. Children are hard-wired to notice details. Because their brains are eagerly taking in and making sense of information in order to learn about their environment, they are able to receive many more details than we as adults do. Adults have processed so much over the years about their environment that we necessarily make assumptions and skip over details in order to deal with the sheer volume of information that comes at us daily. However, experiencing greater awareness with your children can enhance your own focus and presence in the moment and it can give your children valuable practice in doing the same. For children, practice in awareness can contribute to their focused attention on any task including school work and allow them the chance to exercise self-control.
Last week, I had the chance to meet Congressman Tim Ryan from Youngstown, Ohio. He has adopted mindfulness as his central message and vehicle for social change across sectors – politics, business, education and health. His book, A Mindful Nation,1 defines mindfulness as simply “finding ways to slow down and pay attention to the present moment.” Not only does a focus on the present moment reduce stress but it also makes us more sensitive to ourselves and those around us so that it can assist in our ability to resist impulses, listen with empathy and make better decisions. It can contribute to better health and deepen our ability to learn. Congressman Ryan claims “Happiness is found by deeply experiencing the exact moment we are in.”
Also some schools have recognized the value of teaching children about how their brains work and how they can become more aware of themselves in each moment so that they are able to focus on learning. The Mind Up Curriculum through the Goldie Hawn Foundation is a series of lessons and activities that promote greater awareness. These programs incorporate “Brain Breaks” throughout the day in which children simply learn to close their eyes and notice their breathing for a few minutes. That simple practice can help calm anxieties and engage them fully in the next activity.
There are many ways you might practice mindful awareness at home with your children. Practicing together can help you connect with your family and assist in managing stress around your household. Try one or more of the following this spring and see if it makes a difference for you.
Thought Awareness:
Modeling
Modeling presence with your child can be rewarding for both of you. After school is an ideal time since most children need a snack and a break from the rigorous schedule and demands of school. But pick the best time of day for you and just focus on your child and whatever they want to tell you. Notice what thoughts come into your head as you listen. Often we get distracted by thoughts of our own day. If you notice this is happening, gently return yourself to the moment with your child and engage in listening to what they are saying. Ask related questions or make comments that deepen the conversation and continue to focus on your child.
Breath Awareness:
Balloon Breathing
Tell your child that you have an organ in your body – the lungs – that acts like two connected balloons. Picture what the balloons look like together. Visualize them in your child’s favorite color. Close your eyes and envision with your child the air moving from the outside into your balloons expanding them a little. And then exhale as you visualize your balloons shrinking a bit. Try to do this for at least three breathes and see if your child enjoys balloon breathing.
Body Awareness:
Tennis Ball Tighten and Release
When my son has a strong case of the wiggles before bedtime, I have used this exercise to help calm him down. Lie down side by side on the floor or on the child’s bed, backs to the floor. Close your eyes and ask your child to close his as well. Using a gentle voice, ask your child to pretend there is a tennis ball at the base of his feet. Ask him to try and grab the ball with his whole foot including his toes with all his might. Ask him to hold it for a few seconds. Then, let the ball go. Now ask him to pretend the ball is between his ankles. Squeeze the imaginary ball as hard as possible for a few seconds and then let it go. Try this at his knees, on his tummy, between his arms and his side, in his hands, at his neck and at the back of his head where it touches the floor. Each time tighten those muscles for a few seconds and then fully release. This will guide a child to notice each part of his body, focus on that part and send relaxation to that part of the body letting the tension go.
Sensory Awareness:
Eating a Raisin
In the Mind Up Curriculum, students fully experience eating a raising by paying attention to each aspect of the eating process. This is so simple to try at home. Take one raisin per person participating. Examine how the raisin looks on the table. Ask your child to describe it. Then, pick it up and feel it. How does it feel? Now smell it. Describe how it smells. Lastly, taste it slowly so that you savor each bite. See how many words you and your child can come up with to describe the taste of the raisin.
Environmental Awareness:
A Bug or Bud Walk
“We’re going on a bug walk, a bug walk, a bug walk. We’re going on a bug walk to see what we can see,” we chant as we stalk the ground for insects. This is a game that is enjoyable no matter the age of the child and can be incorporated into any basic walk around the block. Also spring in particular is a great time to go on a “bud” walk and see if you can find budding leaves or plants on trees, bushes and coming up from the ground. This noticing creates a greater awareness of the environment in which you live.
Drawing or Painting a Still Life
I know I am at my most sensitive to the details of objects around me when I am drawing or painting them. To give your children a chance to look more closely, set up a still life that they might enjoy or that might engage them. A bowl of fruit might inspire you but your child could be excited by a pile of his favorite stuffed animals. Create a scene of many and varied small toys and ask your child to pick out the part that he is most interested in to draw in detail. Notice the detail together and talk about and point out the detail of the subjects of your artwork.
Check out the following resources for more on mindfulness below. Give yourself and your family the gift of presence this spring. It will require your own awareness and some discipline to focus on your family in the moment. But the reward will be great.
Great Springtime Children’s Books about Awareness:
Wise Brown, Margaret. Author. McCue, Lisa. Illustrator. (2000). Bunny’s Noisy Book. NY: Hyperion Books for Children.
McCue, Lisa. Quiet Bunny’s Many Colors. NY: Sterling Publishing.
Check out this video on the Mind Up Curriculum in schools.
The Hawn Foundation. (2011). MindUp Curriculum; Brain-focused Strategies for Learning – and Living. NY: Scholastic.
Check out the following video short (3 minutes) entitled “Just Breathe” of kids talking about intense emotions and how they can calm down using breathing.
For Parent Reading:
Greenland, S.K. (2010). The Mindful Child; How to Help your Kid Manage Stress. NY: Free Press.
1 Ryan, T. (2012). A Mindful Nation: How a Simple Practice Can Help Us Reduce Stress, Improve Performance and Recapture the American Spirit. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House.
Originally published on March 27, 2014.
It just started happening seemingly out of the blue. “Why can’t I watch PG-13 rated movies? I know kids in my class who do.” “Why do I always have to go upstairs for bed at 7:00? The neighbors all get to stay up later.” And then what seems like minutes later, I hear “Why do we always only read one book? Why can’t we read two?” This rash of questioning our family practices and routines collided, as often challenges do, with my own set issues – work deadlines, literal pains in my neck, volunteer dates and a general stacking up of life pressures – leaving me with little patience for these questions. But as I thumbed through my handy child developmental milestones book (Yardsticks 1) as I often do to help extend my patience level, I note my son is right on schedule. Eight going on nine years of age, he seems to be awakening – again – as happens so many times in a child’s development – to new ideas and differences between him and his peers. He’s beginning to notice injustices and inequalities on an individual, personal level. The questions have the same essential focus: “Why does the guy next to me get privileges that you, Mom, say I can’t have?”
As I take a step back, breathe and reflect, I realize that this is the foundation of developing moral thinking. He needs to begin to question his own differences from his very personal social encounters in order to think more broadly, in the future, about inequities in the community and world. So my quick response, with the undercurrent of annoyance, was to explain why we do things differently than other families. But after I stepped away and reflected on these series of questions, I decided to follow up with my son to talk further about how it’s critical that he continues to ask those questions even if it makes me temporarily uncomfortable. He should understand the context and the why behind the rules even at his tender age of eight. Ruth Charney, author of Habits of Goodness asks these essential questions,
When we reward right answers and pass over (or scold) wrong ones, are we encouraging divergent thinking or reinforcing right-answer thinking? When we make all the choices and impose unquestioned rules, do we give opportunity to learn self-control or make decisions? And when our rules are broken, do we accomplish our goals more effectively by doling out punishments or by working on problem-solving that fosters child responsibility? 2
It remains a critical job for parents to teach children the rules of the household and why they are important. Being a part of a family means that there are guidelines that keep everyone safe and cared for. All members must contribute by following those guidelines. But questioning is important. Understanding the rules and the reasons for them begins the ethical thought process for children. So it’s worth taking the time to talk through and help your child understand the thinking behind the rules.
In understanding how moral development emerges in our children, Carol Gilligan proposed three stages she called “The Stages of an Ethic of Care.” 3 They are
1.Preconventional or Selfish – Every person necessarily begins with a survival perspective focused only on themselves. This worldview from infancy through nine years old (varies in timeframe as all developmental milestones do) assists young children in focusing on secure relationships with caregivers and establishing their own supports for survival so that they can open their minds to other possibilities later in life. And that focus on a secure attachment will allow children to form healthy relationships and give them the confidence to explore school and the world beyond home.
In this worldview, rules are given by authorities, not questioned but obeyed and taken literally. If they are disobeyed, there is punishment. But if a person remains stuck in this survivalist worldview, it limits his growth and ability to demonstrate care for himself and others. It also significantly limits thinking about complexities or making decisions that take responsibility for one’s role in a larger community.
Moving out of this phase (as my son seems to be), there is a questioning of authority. This is necessary to move from a sense of selfishness and survival to responsibility.
2. Conventional or Social – In this phase of moral development, caring for others takes primacy. A core sense of responsibility is established, an awareness of others around the individual and the impact they have on those others. In this stage, self sacrifice is good. Individuals may care for others while ignoring their own needs. They may even do harm to themselves (perhaps inadvertently) in an effort to help others. This tends to be a feminine trait though it can be seen in both genders.
Lawrence Kohlberg’s Stages of Moral Development – “Ethics of Justice” – which served as a precursor to Carol Gilligan’s, offered some helpful perspectives on this stage from a more masculine perspective. 4 His theories were criticized because his research studies only involved male subjects and were largely based on artificial (fictitious) situations. But we can learn about justice thinking from his work. In his Conventional Stage, relationships become important for the individual. They act in good and compliant ways in order to receive approval from others. The individual becomes aware of the rules of the wider society and obeys them to avoid guilt.
Moving out of this phase into the final phase, the individual moves from goodness to truth, from responsibility in order to gain approval to an internalized compass for not hurting self or others in concert with or despite societal rules.
3. Post Conventional or Principled – Kohlberg and Gilligan agree that most people never evolve their worldview to this place though this is the final stage. In this stage, the person’s thinking evolves to valuing nonviolence so that he or she makes decisions, however complex the situation, relative to doing no harm to himself or others. Though this kind of thinking and the actions that follow is a rarity in our world, it certainly is a level to pursue and promote with our children.
As with all stages of development, individuals can dip into former stages depending upon the circumstances. The previous stages are always a part of a person. The development that occurs in an individual becomes a raised awareness in which they predominantly view the world in that way.
Do we want to raise children who will obey rules without question? I certainly don’t. If a regime like Hitler’s came into power, I need to know that my son would be prepared to be civilly disobedient, to question authority and to make choices that preserve the rights of himself and others.
Here is what I plan to do.
I will do this by having patience with his questioning. I will talk through the whys of our family routines and practices and involve him in thoughtful reflection and work on recreating practices that may not make sense anymore.
I will promote moral thinking by encouraging care and consideration for others. When I have the chance to help a neighbor or a friend who is ill, I will significantly involve him in thinking about and acting upon that care.
I will voice compassion. When kids say mean words or act meanly, in addition to acknowledging my child’s hurt feelings and helping him respond in ways that maintain his dignity and others, I will express compassion for those who are perpetrating hurt. We are all connected in a school and neighborhood community. Our hurt impacts one another. So that compassion for those who are hurting and are unable to control themselves in hurting others helps stop that cycle of harm.
I will help him to question authority. First, I need to be okay with him questioning my authority. Though sometimes the answer will be “No.”, I will always explain the reasons behind why it’s my response.
I will offer him the chance to see complexities. I will offer him practice with responsible decision making by allowing him to make choices that he and he alone will make. And he will get the chance to experience whatever consequences follow. I will facilitate his thinking by asking open-ended questions, not hurrying in to “fix” what’s wrong, but using my self-control to allow him to think for himself.
We live in highly complex times. This era of parenting involves an entire global community through the digital world that was simply not a part of the parenting experience in previous generations. We, as parents, require new ways of parenting that are reflective and thoughtful and help facilitate deeper thoughtfulness in our kids.
Have a middle or high school age tween/teen? Check out #Youthvoices to contribute to discussions on ethical issues created by Harvard’s Making Caring Common Project’s Youth Advisory Board. #YouthChoices asked tough questions about when and how to speak up in the face of sexism, racism, ableism, and homophobia, and shared stories about cheating, social contracts, cutting class, and whether to stand up to adults at school.
Search the hashtag on Twitter and Instagram to see more posts, photos, and videos, check out the #YouthChoices Storify for a snapshot of the campaign, and read HGSE’s Usable Knowledge story about the project.
References
Extracurricular activities – whether before school or after school or in the community – are implicitly optional. They are, as the word implies – “extra” – in addition to school. As a parent, the choices can be freeing and helpful or confusing and challenging and perhaps, a little of both. And to add to the complexity, our families don’t merely have ballet or piano or soccer from which to choose. There are any number of additional special interests that could be explored such as robotics, pottery or martial arts. Because there are so many considerations related to extracurriculars, I thought I would explore the many complexities, ask a number of parents how their parents handled the situation and how they have decided to manage “extras” with their own children and then examine other social and emotional developmental factors in the mix and see if any helpful suggestions emerged.
First let’s acknowledge that many families don’t have the privilege of choice because of the expense of activities or the limited offerings in their neighborhoods or schools or the constraints of parents who have to work. For those who do have the privilege of choices, here are some of their potential considerations.
– cost
– transportation
– care time while parents are working
– friends in the program
– giving the child a social experience
– following a child’s joy or passion or interests
– building competence for competence sake
– building competence for a school-to-career path
– developing safety skills
– scheduling (free time versus structured time, adequate time for homework)
– offering an alternative to screen time
– building social skills such as collaboration
– exploring, trying out new experiences
– health and development (and if a child has allergies or ADHD or other individual considerations)
– temperment and personality of child (introverted child may need more down time than an extroverted child)
conflict (child may fight going or doing requisite practice)
From “I make the decision of what’s best for them and they are required to go.” to “My kids have many interests so we are at some different activity every night.” to “I follow my child’s lead but only pick one.”, I received a whole range of responses. Here are a few of the stories I heard when I asked local parents about their experiences with extracurriculars.
I was always a joiner. I basically signed myself up for everything and my poor mom had to drop me off at school super early and pick me up super late. My mom never actually signed me up for stuff. It was always me telling her that I was doing a new thing. If anything, my mother would probably have had me not do so much, but I always wanted to do everything. I still use a lot of the skills I gained during those extracurriculars (as an athlete and lawyer) so for me it was incredibly valuable. – Marley
I don’t think my parents ever signed me up for anything without asking but they were big on follow through. I couldn’t skip meetings or practices. The one thing I really pushed for was going to summer camp and that was definitely a financial strain but I ended up spending ten summers there. Camp was hugely life changing and I think about it daily. I think my mom had a lot of insight into my personality and was one step ahead of things like suggesting a more rigorous Latin class. I think things like following through on commitments, enjoying learning new skills and being part of a team are all things that helped me grow. I have more kids than my parents did so I really would like them to do only one major activity at a time. – Morgan
My parents generally supported what I wanted to do, except that I had to pick one activity. I wanted to learn piano and dance, but since I had to choose, I picked dance. I’ve always regretted that I couldn’t do both. When it came to Sports, once I was in high school, my dad pressured me to try out for basketball. I liked basketball, but I was never very athletic or into sports. So for my dad, I did a week of practice, but we had to run a mile outside and my allergies were so bad, it made me really sick. I could barely breathe! So that was the end of that! In general though, my parents did not pressure me in school or in my extracurricular activities. I could have used a little more pressure academically, because I started to feel like they didn’t believe I could do better than I was doing. (Probably because I always told them I was doing my best, but I was totally full of it.) I still love to dance. I think dancing adds to my quality of life, because it makes me healthier and happier. As for piano, I’m planning on teaching myself a bit of piano just for fun. – Kristen
We were required to pay for our extracurricular activities on our own so once I really got to the point where I had a choice I had to prioritize based on my limited junior high funds. I ran, because it didn’t cost much for shoes and did cheerleading. Most team sports were cost prohibitive for me and my family. And the small private school I attended didn’t have or support leagues in elementary school. Plus, we only had one car which my dad often had at work/school. In lieu of organized activities like lessons and sports, we did a TON of park play, library programs, playdates & playgroups, and church youth activities. My mom was a master of free days for surrounding museums and zoos. Also, because my Dad was a police officer we got in free to the community pool so that was most of our summer. Overall, we were active but unstructured. I did love that my parents required us to pay. We learned savings and priorities when it came to what we wanted. Even though my opportunities were “limited” in the eyes of many I don’t feel like I missed out because I did art at home versus in a lesson. – Christy
I was pleasantly surprised by the level of satisfaction and happiness of the respondents. Those who shared the details of their extracurricular experiences as kids remember them with great fondness and appreciate how their parents’ handled their options. The only commonality I found in the examples was that parents seemed to pay close attention to the personality and temperament of the children they had and tried to match the type of activity and amount of commitment to that individual.
In addition to the above personal parent stories, there are additional considerations. Surveys of working parents found that there is significant worry about the use of time during after school hours – particularly at middle school age – when children are often left unsupervised. In my state of Ohio, for example, 23% (431,489) of K-12 youth are responsible for taking care of themselves after school. Community policing statistics consistently show a spike in alcohol and drug activity and also, violent crimes between the hours of 3:00 and 7:00 p.m. Not only can after school programming prevent high risk behaviors, but they also have the potential to promote greater feelings of competence, belonging and confidence. For more, check out “Keeping Kids Safe and Supported in the Hours After School” by the Afterschool Alliance. Learn more about after school programs in your state. Regardless of how you select the types of activities for your children, before committing to a program, assess for quality. Find out who the staff will be for the after school program or team. Do the organizers run a police background check (They should!)? Do they take references? Do they offer training? Particularly if the program is staffed by students, what supervisors are available during program hours? Ask some questions to ensure it is a quality program before signing up.
Here are some further considerations.
1.Follow passions or interests.
Certainly a child will be more motivated to participate in an activity that builds on his/her interests. Many of the examples from parents above mentioned how much they appreciated their parents looking to them for their natural curiosities to determine involvement in activities. People are intrinsically motivated in three areas: feeling a sense of autonomy, belonging and competence. You may ask yourself and your family members, “Does the activity provide any of the preceding for my specific child?” “And does it further an interest that she has shown us is significant to her?”
2. Offer limited choices.
It is a gift to have choices no matter what the circumstances. Kids, like adults, are more motivated to participate if they are involved in making choices about their participation. Parents can still set limits and hold expectations. Maybe there is not a choice about whether or not to participate (because of parents’ work commitments) but a choice of what to participate in. Or how often a child will participate. Finding even a small area for limited choice can help a child feel a sense of control and involvement and encourage greater cooperation.
3. Know your child.
Every child needs quiet time without structure. But some require it daily or else they feel a sense of anxiety and even upset. Particularly children who tend to be introverted – meaning social situations take energy from them – require some time to process their thoughts from the day without added structure before and after school. Instead of talking through their thinking with others, these children need more time for internal reflection. For more on recognizing if you have a child who tends toward introversion, check out this article “Fifteen Tips for Parenting Introverted Kids” or the book, Quiet, The Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking.
4. Balance commitments.
With multiple kids in a family in numerous activities, life can get hectic. Consider each child and how they are spending their time. Do they have enough time to get homework completed? Is there time for a weekly or more than weekly family dinner? Is there some down time in the week during which kids can engage in unstructured play? Some of the families’ examples above mentioned allowing each child to select one activity per season so as not to overcommit their time. Also consider whether you are rushing from place to place since that can contribute to an overall feeling of chaos in family life. How do you balance outside of school interests with your family’s needs for alone time and together time?
5. Honor commitments.
Once a child is signed up for an activity, following through in attending practices or meetings throughout the season is important. No matter how you choose an activity, be certain that you are fully aware of the commitments you are making before signing up. Halfway through if your child simply doesn’t like the program, they will not learn the lesson of responsibility if you allow them to drop out. Help your child follow through and honor those commitments.
6. Take safety measures.
Train your child to ask for help. Teach them to look for appropriate helpers such as, a teacher or caring mom in the event of getting lost or another problem. Do test your child on your phone number and place all emergency contacts and numbers in his backpack, jacket or other item that will remain with him.
Teams, classes and other enrichment activities can provide tremendous resources for a child. They can offer role models and adults who serve as caring coaches and teachers. Those opportunities can create valuable friendships and exercise social and emotional skills. Examining our assumptions about extracurriculars helps our own thinking about how to best handle them and facilitates constructive dialogue between family members as you create new plans. Those “extras” can offer your family a connection to the community, a deepening of skills and a love for an activity that may just last a lifetime.
