Announcing the launch of the Social and Emotional Learning Alliance for Ohio! I’m delighted to join with co-founder Pamela McVeagh-Lally and our new leadership team to form SEL for Ohio, a group committing to growing a supportive learning network of educators, parents, policymakers and more who will champion advancing children’s social and emotional development in our state. We appreciate the support of the national network, SEL4US who has provided much of our foundation to get us started.
Check out our website: Social and Emotional Learning Alliance for Ohio and please do sign up for updates here!Join us and sign up to be part of a statewide community of educators, leaders, and parents sharing knowledge and advocating for SEL for Ohio’s children!
If you are not in Ohio but are eager to learn more or contribute to a supportive learning network for advancing children’s SEL, consider signing up for SEL4US!
Confident Parents, Confident Kids Back-to-School Webinar Series
We are entering into an unprecedented school year with plenty of uncertainties and the stress and fear that goes with it. We are also facing big emotions like sadness and loss as we watch our children go back to school without so many of the rituals we have come to love and including many new rules and restrictions. We cannot miss seeing the worry on principal and teacher faces.
Many of us are hosting children and teens at home to learn remotely while staying safe. Regardless of whether you work full-time, multiple jobs, part-time or are a full-time parent, regardless of whether you’ve had training in education, most of us were not trained in supporting remote learning. And though we had a pilot immersion in remote learning last Spring, most of us were scrambling through it to make it work. So for this back to school season, how can we become thoughtful about setting up the physical, social and emotional environment at home to ensure it’s conducive to learning? In the following webinar series, CPCK’s founder Jennifer Miller will offer tricks and tips for doing just that and she’ll welcome your questions, your ideas and ways you’ve been successful and attempt to address even your toughest challenges.
Indeed, research confirms that parent resilience comes from learning about children’s development, promoting your own and your child’s social and emotional competence, and receiving the social supports necessary to keep you well-informed and also, emotionally cared for. This is yet another gift to you – my offer of support – during these challenging times. Hope you’ll join in these dialogue sessions! Check out the following:
How to Set Up the Physical Environment for Learning Success at Home
Whether you are doing distance learning, virtual schooling, or homeschooling or your child is knee-deep in homework already, our homes need to serve as a conducive place for learning. We don’t need big, elaborate spaces or expensive equipment. But there are ways we can establish daily routines and schedules and create a sacred space with the supplies and space needed for our child to be able to focus on the work they need to accomplish at home.
Friday, September 11, 2020 at 12:00 p.m. EST – 1:15 (11 CT, 10 MT, 9 PT)
2. How to Set Up the Emotional Environment for Learning Success at Home
Emotions determine whether or not learning takes place. Emotions are not an annoyance that can be ignored. If we plan for our children’s big feelings, we can not only build emotional intelligence but also, create habits for deep learning that can last a lifetime. Learn how deal with your child’s most challenging emotions during schoolwork time in ways that teach them to cultivate their own self-awareness and self-management skills. Learn to deal with your own anger, tension and frustrations in ways that will support your child’s learning.
Friday, September 18, 2020 at 12:00p.m. EST – 1:15 (11 CT, 10 MT, 9 PT)
3. How to Set Up the Social Environment for Learning Success at Home
Relationships matter. Whether you are concerned about your child’s learning success or mental health, we know their social connectedness is critical to their healthy development. Those social connections feel particularly at-risk during this time of a global pandemic when online connections are the primary ways we can socialize. Learn what caring parents and caregivers can do with various ages and stages to support their child’s social connections to maximize their health and happiness.
Thursday, September 24, 2020at 12:00p.m. EST – 1:15 (11 CT, 10 MT, 9 PT)
Sign up here for one, two or all three of the upcoming webinars (please check the box to designate!) free. We’ll send you a Zoom link to join. There will be a limit on the number of attendees for each webinar so don’t wait to join!
Start your week preparing your whole family mentally, socially and emotionally for learning for the week ahead. Join Confident Parents, Confident Kids Founder Jennifer Miller each Monday at 1:00 p.m. EST (12 CT, 11 MT, 10 PT) on Zoom beginning September 14th, 2020 for a half hour of mindfulness and connection for the whole family.
Start your week each Monday of this Fall preparing your child and your own brain and body for learning. Mindful Mondays will include a greeting to say hello from all corners of the world, a sharing question to get our hearts and brains engaged, a guided mindful activity to promote a sense of presence, focus and calm, a recitation of the Global Pledge of Allegiance, and one social and/or emotional skill goal for the week.
Check out this video short on the Global Pledge of Allegiance we began reciting last Spring with the school shutdowns. Thank you Collaborative for Academic, Social and Emotional Learning and specifically Carolina Herrera for putting this together.
Sign up below…
Free! We’ll send you a recurring Zoom Link and a reminder so you and your family can join for our first Mindful Monday on September 14 at 1 ET, 10 PT and each Monday through the Fall season through Monday, November 23rd.
We have a set of responsibilities as parents this (and every) school year in educating our children to think and act with social awareness. One of these responsibilities is their racial and cultural education. Though numerous schools will not adequately address learning about racism, its origins, understanding white privilege and power, and what it means to act in ways that demonstrate empathy and champion racial and social justice, this is where our critical roles as parents who are the first teachers of our children’s social, racial, and cultural beliefs and practices comes into play. Confident Parents, Confident Kids is committed to supporting you in learning as a family. To that end, we’ve curated a new permanent page on the website with resources including books, movies and websites to use with your children and also adult-appropriate articles and books to keep you as a parent learning and growing. This list will continue to be updated with recommendations from a diverse range of sources. For now, here’s a starting point for your at-home educational journey in understanding racism and social justice and how you play a role in making our world a more just place to live.
Parent and Educator Resources – for Self-and Other Adult Learning:
This toolkit offers suggestions and strategies for educators and parents on having conversations with young people in school and at home about race, racism, racial violence, understanding biases, and how to take action for racial justice.
Good Reads describes this book as… “Ijeoma Oluo (author) explores the complex reality of today’s racial landscape–from white privilege and police brutality to systemic discrimination and the Black Lives Matter movement–offering straightforward clarity that readers need to contribute to the dismantling of the racial divide.”
Authors of this article write, “Social justice and equity play a role in every social and emotional experience, but the majority of our research and practice still takes a colorblind approach.” This article offers educational professionals critical ideas for ensuring that every social and emotional experience is infused with racial empathy, sensitivity and instruction.
To Use In Conversation with your Children or Teens:
Common Sense Media is a nonprofit committed to reviews of all media for families and schools that designate age-appropriateness and help adults and children alike become informed about content before watching it. They use research-based approaches to their reviews and strive to be a trusted source of information about all forms of media available to children and teens. This review helps parents and educators understand what their children can learn about related to racism in the United States and beyond and at what age the material might be most effective.
A powerful TED Talk about the experience of growing up black in the Bronx and then, leaving to live in Connecticut to leave the gun shots behind but encountering a more insidious and violent danger there.
A young girl in Harlem discovers slam poetry as a way to understand her mother’s religion and her own relationship to the world. Debut novel of renowned slam poet Elizabeth Acevedo. Xiomara Batista feels unheard and unable to hide in her Harlem neighborhood. Ever since her body grew into curves, she has learned to let her fists and her fierceness do the talking until she finds poetry.
A boy who grows up in East Cleveland is sent off to a prestigious all-white preparatory school in Maine and attempts to not lose who he is in the midst of a place and culture that refuses to accept him for who he is.
By Michael Tyler, Illustrated by David Lee Csicsko
With the ease and simplicity of a nursery rhyme, this lively story delivers an important message of social acceptance to young readers. Themes associated with child development and social harmony, such as friendship, acceptance, self-esteem, and diversity are promoted in simple and straightforward prose. Vivid illustrations of children’s activities include a wide range of cultures.
Yes, this really is a kids book about racism. Inside, you’ll find a clear description of what racism is, how it makes people feel when they experience it, and how to spot it when it happens. This is one conversation that’s never too early to start, and this book was written to be an introduction for kids on the topic. This book helps young children learn about racism and how it hurts people and supports parents in raising this vital conversation in the preschool years.
Sites with Deep Resources Including Free Online Lessons:
A nonprofit organization committed to using the lessons of history to challenge teachers and their students to stand up to bigotry and hate. There are numerous free resources including lessons and discussions you can have at various ages and stages with your children. Check out:
This includes four units that shed light on why nonviolence was championed by top civil rights leaders and what we can learn from their experiences. These include: “The Philosophy of Nonviolence,” “Six Steps for Nonviolent Social Change,” “Tactics of Nonviolence,” and “Taking a Stand; Models of Civic Participation.”
A nonprofit organization committed to teaching educators and other caring adults who work with children how to teach children to become active participants in a diverse democracy. They publish resources and guidance on race and ethnicity, on voting, immigration, religion, gender and sexual identity, ability, class, bullying and bias, rights and activism. Check out:
Check out the K-12 Distance Learning Program that offers free webinars, virtual field trips and teacher resources on American Indian culture today and history.
Practice the “Body Check Five” to Manage Back-to-School Fears
If you are a parent, educator, or a child old enough to anticipate the coming school year, there’s no doubt you are holding considerable tension. Speaking with educational leaders across the state of Ohio this past week, one message was consistent and crystal clear: we don’t know what the start of school will look and feel like. In fact, many of us feel stranded as schools plan to return in person yet COVID cases continue to rise, children are increasingly highlighted in the news for getting and spreading COVID and teachers seem to be the highest risk next target. Many parents are trying to figure out what to do with children who are home 24/7 while they attempt to keep their jobs, keep their business afloat or search for a new job after being furloughed or fired. Yes, families are holding tension. And it seems our landscape changes daily with new mandates, new research coming to light, differing opinions within families and the stuff of life taking on a whole new level of drama because of our already-fragile stress levels.
Our children are experiencing their own sadness from social isolation, fears of risk and the unknowns of the school year, and in addition, emotional contagion as they feel the sensations of the adults and their tension in the household. And we can easily predict that they’ll be plenty of stress and emotional contagion in a classroom between teachers and among students if they return in person. So how can we help our children manage all of these big feelings? And is there some easy practice they can take to school with them, more important than any school supplies, to deal with sudden bouts of anxiety?
Try out the Body Check Five for yourself and teach it to your child to help them prepare for whatever they face with the start of school. This strategy can be utilized by parents in preparation or by teachers to help students self-manage and focus. Here’s how you teach it:
Stop. Yes, the very first step in moving toward self-regulation is recognizing that you are anxious or fearful and stopping your actions or reactions which are likely to be impulsive. It helps to say aloud, “stop.”
Notice. Now in your pause state, notice what your heart is doing. Is it beating fast? How’s your temperature? Are you warm or cold? Simply, notice any sensations in your body. Practice telling a confidante (each other). “My body feels shaky all over.”
Name. Practice asserting your feelings. “I feel scared. I’m really uncomfortable.” For a small feeling like a little tension, naming and seeking understanding from another can be enough to help an adult or child calm down. But if it’s a big feeling like fear, then more is needed. Take it this next step.
Conduct the Body Check Five. Go through all five senses and describe what you notice. What do you see right now around you? What do you hear? What can you smell? What do you taste? What can you immediately feel through touch? Have a preschooler or kindergartner who has not learned about their five senses yet? Use a face and point to each sense, naming it. Here’s a video for preschoolers and kindergartners on the senses.
Notice. Now, ask: how do you feel?Does your body feel better? Do you feel safer? This survey of your body and detailing of what you can experience with your five senses has two powerful outcomes. First, it helps a child or adult become present to their environment and focus. Second, it helps a child or adult realize that they are safe and under no serious threat in that moment.
The tension of social distancing, wearing masks with the very real threat of a pandemic can create a sense of a lack of safety all of the time. Children and adults can become hyper-vigilant about their surroundings trying to keep safe while they become more impulse-driven and edgy. We remain in our fight, flight or freeze brain states with little access to many other brain resources required for learning including language, problem-solving and creativity. This practice can help any individual realize that the sense of impending doom they feel is only perceived not real in that moment. Yes, proper safety precautions are essential. But helping our child learn how to self-soothe and dispel their sense of threat can help them cultivate new relationships this school year and enter into the flow of learning.
Try out the Body Check Five on yourself. Then teach and practice with your child. This is an unprecedented and highly complex back to school season. We have a unique opportunity to build resilience by offering our children ways in which they can manage themselves and bring their own sense of safety to school but it will take our own focus and intention to do so.
May this school year bring the gift of honing social and emotional skills along with mental and physical health and safety for you and your family.
With more and more schools offering remote learning opportunities and parents flocking to virtual school options during this high risk back to school season, teachers and parents are more involved than ever in trying to figure out how teaching and learning can take place online and at a distance.
After extensively researching virtual schools attending open houses galore, I discovered that the one trait of a virtual school I was looking for, I could not find —an emphasis on relationships. With some, students have the chance to meet with a teacher twice a week and ask questions during office hours but the learning relationship was consistently deferred to the parent or caregiver, called in virtual schools, “the learning coach.” Research time and again has shown that no matter how interesting the curriculum, if there are not safe, caring relationships in place daily and a regular aspect of a child’s learning, a child may struggle. And that research played out before my eyes last Spring as I observed children who were doing distance learning while their parents worked full-time at home and could not serve as a learning coach. Gifted, high performing and highly intelligent students failed without an adult relationship regularly engaged with and helping support their learning.
So what do we do? The answers right now are unclear, highly complex, and will be variable with each and every family’s needs. One thing though is for certain, teachers and parents are both required now to play significant roles in their child’s learning more than ever before. Communication between teacher and parent will be vital to truly support distance learners (but that’s another article that will be posted in the coming weeks!).
Meanwhile, as parents and teachers facilitate learning through Zoom whether its social learning by getting networks of students together when not engaged in academic content to connect or holding class discussions on academic content, all of us need plenty of ideas to build those caring relationships online. Parent friends and I, part of our original baby playgroup, created an experiment this summer – a virtual summer camp – and tried out a number of these ideas.
This summer, two friends and I experimented with a weekly virtual summer camp trying out various structures and strategies on Zoom. There were a few structures that worked well with a group of children. We taught nonverbal signals to communicate. Thumbs up if you agree. Thumbs down if you disagree. Hands up if you want to speak. Thumb to heart and pinkie out pushing outward to express “me too” agreement on what’s being said. We used a go-round structure so that each child had the chance to give input on a given question. Be sure to go over ground rules to 1.) listen when the featured speaker is talking, 2.) raise your hand (or other signal) to speak, and 3.) say “pass” if you cannot think of a response. Voting with a thumbs up works well for quick decision-making.
Here is a top thirty list to get you started.
Play name games at the beginning of the school year for the first whole week. It takes awhile to truly learn names. You could do the Adjective Greeting — “I’m joyful Jennifer.” Or “My name is _______ and I like to _________” I love The Morning Meeting book for more name games.
Ask each person to share something unique about them.
Brainstorm ideas and decide together on a learning team name.
Create team identifiers collaboratively like a theme song, or theme chant or cheer, a logo or image, a mascot, or a t-shirt or mask design.
Bring an object that best describes who you are.
Bring an object that best describes your family.
Ask participants to tell what they are proud of related to their heritage.
Engage in cooperative story-telling. Start with any beginning of the story prompt such as, “there once was a young witch who didn’t know how powerful she was…” Have each person add to the story.
Brainstorm ideas together. Pick a topic like ice cream cone flavors or ideas for fun Zoom meetings. Share the rules including no judgement on any ideas; all are welcome; and creativity and piggybacking are encouraged.
Could take turns teaching each other about a prosocial cause each person cares about. Be sure to include information on the mission, services and how to get involved.
Bring a family heirloom that offers a sense of culture and history. Tell about it.
Most were immigrants to the U.S. at one point or another. Learn about and tell your families’ immigration story or share the story tracing your Native American heritage.
Collect baby pictures and show a slide show. Ask for guesses on who the person is.
Share a few lines from your favorite song, poem or story.
Share the book that’s been most meaningful to you and why.
Share your favorite book or movie character and why you love or admire him or her.
Share COVID-kindness stories. We all have the “other” stories that we tend to recount. But also, people have risen to their best during this stressful time. What small acts have you noted?
Do a cooking challenge. Decide on three ingredients that have to be used. Establish a timeframe and have each child cook or bake or assemble ingredients to create a snack, dessert or meal.
Share what each person feels gratitude for.
Show a piece of artwork you’ve done and explain why it’s meaningful.
Host a meet-the-family gathering in which all family members introduce themselves.
Have a pet show. For those who do not have pets, have them talk about their favorite animal and bring a stuffy or picture to represent the animal.
Take the Harry Potter houses’ quiz and see which house each child is placed in.
Try cooperative song writing. Decide on a song everyone in your group knows. You could have all participants write their top five songs in the chat box. See if there are any common songs making sure all know it. Then, have each person write a paragraph individually on something or someone they love. Share the paragraphs with one another noting key words and phrases. Now link them together into lyrics. Sing it!
Try cooperative music-making (think: Jimmy Fallon’s classroom instruments). Bring your favorite instrument to the Zoom meeting. Play an agreed upon song and play along!
Try out cooperative poetry. Think of a creative prompt like “two kids walk through their backyard swing set and discover a portal to a jungle just beyond.” Establish the rules. Will it rhyme? Will each contribute one word, one sentence, three sentences? Now go around and compose a poem with someone designated as note-taker.
Create a mural. Brainstorm ideas for the desired subject of a multi-paneled drawing. Divide the subject by the number of Zoom panels they are present. A facilitator could sketch it out to give a general sense. Then, play inspirational instrumental music while each member creates their part of the drawing. Hold up the finished piece together and take a photo of your creation!
Use Go Noodle to share the screen and play a song and movement. Each person can try and keep up with the dance moves.
Do a photo scavenger hunt. Create a list of fun items to find like: something purple, something alive but not human, something you are passionate about, something you love to eat. Share slide shows with one another of your photo collection.
Create a cooperative play. This takes time and effort but with a group that meets weekly, this is possible. Decide on a theme all love. Use brainstorming, voting, story boarding and consensus building to make story decisions and also, decide on how the performance will look and feel.
In testing these strategies out, I found that the group of kids we worked with were highly collaborative when adults facilitated these processes (though were less so when left on their own). That means that children will gain valuable online collaboration skills practice by engaging in this kind of social Zoom connecting. That old proverb “necessity is the mother of invention” is a great one for the moment. How can we create opportunities for meaningful, caring connection during this time when in-person connection is so limited? We can not only survive this time, but thrive if we begin to get creative with ways to build our caring learning communities.
* A shout out thank you to Sharon Perez and Kimberly Allison, Camp Cheerio virtual summer camp counselors and dear friends who tested these collaboratively this summer.
Jennifer Miller of Confident Parents, Confident Kids along with a number of experts were interviewed by author Lisa Tolin of TODAY.com for the following insightful articles about anxiety and the start of school this year. The first deals with our own anxiety as parents and how that impacts our children. Here’s how it begins…
There was a time when parents struggling with remote learning (read: all parents) saw the start of school as the promised land, a welcome relief to the return of whatever “normal” awaited.
But with COVID-19 continuing to spread, parents around the U.S. have justifiable fear about the dangers facing children, teachers and themselves. Many are opting to home-school or go fully remote. Others are biting their fingernails as they prepare to send their kids out the door. Read the full article:
The second article deals with our children’s unique anxiety this year returning to school during a pandemic. It begins…
As soon as school let out for summer, my 5-year-old son began intense negotiations about starting kindergarten in the fall.
In addition to standard questions about a new school (are the teachers nice?), he wants to know about the changes. Will coronavirus be gone? (No.) Does he have to wear a mask? (Yes.) Can I be there every day? (No.) His response was firm: “Then I’m never going to school.”
Back-to-school jitters are to be expected even in normal times, which 2020 is surely not. After months at home, children leaving the nest may fuel intense separation anxiety. Read the full article:
Initiating Conversations with Your Children about Racial and Social Justice…
Guest Post by Shauna Tominey, Author, Creating Compassionate Kids; Essential Conversations to Have with Young Children
“A great nation is a compassionate nation…”
– Martin Luther King, Jr.
If you had to pick one word to describe the world you want your child to grow up in, what would it be? Safe? Understanding? Resilient? Compassionate? When I asked this question of parents, teachers, principals, superintendents, social service professionals, business leaders, and other community members, these are the words they chose. And yet, not all of our children experience a world that reflects these values to the same degree.
Coming from a multicultural family, I grew up in a household where multiple cultures were celebrated and multiple languages were spoken. I was taught that differences don’t matter. I heard this same message echoed in our predominantly white community so I believed it. The first real conversation I can remember having about race was in high school. Our sociology teacher asked us each to write down a list of words that defined how we saw ourselves. I don’t remember the specific words that I chose now, but I know they weren’t much different than the words my classmates chose (e.g., nice, smart, funny). “Mr. G” shared that every year, the one or two Black/African-American students in his classes always wrote the word “Black” first. So why was it that none of us wrote down the word, “White?”
After graduating from high school and moving around the country for school, job opportunities, and as a military spouse, I quickly realized that the idea that differences don’t matter just isn’t true.
Differences do matter. They matter a lot.
In the 20 years that followed, I had the privilege of hearing thousands of conversations between children and the adults in their lives while working as an early childhood educator, parenting educator, and researcher. I couldn’t help paying attention to the way differences, like race, were talked about across settings (rural and urban), socioeconomic backgrounds, races, cultures, and life experiences. Every parent and caregiver I met had something in common: they all loved their children and wanted the best for them. Most adults had conversations with children about how much they loved them, as well as the hopes and dreams they had for them. Many adults also had conversations about family or community values—although specific values differed.
There were other differences in conversations too.
While working with military families, deployment, separation, and war were constant conversation topics, but not something others discussed. For families in inner city, urban areas, race and how people look at you and treat you based on the color of your skin was a daily reminder of the discrimination some children faced, but these conversations weren’t happening as often in other families (if ever). Some families talked with their children about why there wasn’t enough food on the table, whereas others discussed which Ivy League school would be best to attend. Families who had a child with a special need or exceptionality spent significant time educating others about the supports their child needed to thrive while also trying to convince others that their child deserved to be valued as much as any other child in their community. And, families who didn’t conform to society’s expectations of what it means to be a family (e.g., mixed-race families, blended families, gay-lesbian headed families, single parent families) carried the weight of reassuring their children and the world around them that there was just as much love in their family as any other.
I started to wonder how it might benefit other families to hear the conversations that others were having with their children and this thought inspired my own parenting as well as my recent book, Creating Compassionate Kids: Essential Conversations to Have With Young Children.
When we teach children that differences don’t matter, we do it with the best intentions. Without intending to, however, we may be ignoring that there are children and families whose lives are defined every day by their differences. We can all point to an example of how we (or our children) feel different or don’t fit in. Sometimes this helps us practice empathy. Sometimes it leads us to overlook the fact that the way differences impact our lives is not equal.
There was a reason a student from a community of color living in a white community wrote down “Black” at the top of his list. Not only did he likely have a strong connection to his own family, race, and cultural heritage, this also was how he was defined by everyone who looked at him (or who chose to avoid looking at him by crossing to the opposite side of the street). Research confirms that the perceptions we have of others makes a difference in how they are treated as well as the opportunities they have (e.g., Gilliam, Maupin, Reyes, Accavitti, & Shic, 2016). For some, this can be serious, if, as a result, they experience bullying or harassment, and even becoming a matter of life and death.
Rather than teaching children that differences don’t matter, what if we teach children that differences shouldn’t matter, but that they do? Let’s consider how we can help children learn to recognize the similarities they share with others, acknowledging the struggles we have with differences in our society, and learn to celebrate these differences.
Try these strategies with the children in your life:
1)Talk about the qualities that make us and others who we are. Having conversations about temperament, gender and gender identity, sexual orientation, race, culture, abilities and disabilities, and different types of families can help children learn about who they are and who they will become. In general, families from non-dominant or minority groups tend to talk with children about qualities, such as race, more often than those from dominant groups (Hughes et al., 2006), but we could all share this responsibility. Teaching children self- awareness often begins with conversations that focus on qualities that we can see in children or expect our children to develop, but these conversations can’t end here. We can also help children learn about qualities that others have too so that they can develop a greater understanding for people who are similar to and different from themselves.
Extend this strategy:
Draw self- portraits. Use crayons, colored pencils, or paint to draw self- portraits together with your child. Look at pictures of yourselves or into a mirror as you draw. Talk about the different colors you see and try to match your skin, hair, and eye color in your artwork.
2)Focus on shared feelings. Everyone has the same feelings (though some children have more pleasant or unpleasant feelings than others). Help children focus on the fact that we all have feelings as a way to build empathy. Ask questions like, “How do you think he/she is feeling?” or think out loud, “I wonder how they are feeling?” Stopping to think about how another person might feel can help your child build a connection with that person and focus on what they have in common while also appreciating apparent differences.
Extend this strategy:
Go beyond, “How was your day? Ask about different feelings that your child has during the day. “What happened today that made you feel happy? Did anything happen today that led you to feel disappointed? What was it? How about excited?” Take turns choosing feelings and make sure that everyone— children and adults— all have a chance to share. Taking your child’s feelings seriously will help them learn to do the same for others.
3)Teach children that differences do matter. Talk with children about the fact that people sometimes look at or treat others differently because of the color of their skin, how they look, how they talk, how they move, or for other reasons. Let your child know that this is never okay (unless someone needs a special accommodation that is helpful for them). Brainstorm together ideas for what to do if and when you see this happening at school or in the community.
Extend this strategy:
Conduct family surveys. Help your child think of a question to ask family members (or friends) as a way to start conversations about similarities and differences. Ask questions about personal qualities (e.g., hair color, eye color) or likes/dislikes (favorite vegetable, favorite season, favorite game). Help your child write each person’s response, and talk about ways members of your family are similar and different from one another.
4) Use storybooks to highlight diverse experiences and role models. Read many different books with your child that include diverse characters. All children need role models who look like they do, dress like they do, share their abilities and challenges, love like they do, and have families that looks like theirs. Finding role models in storybooks that are similar to and different from your child can help them feel comfortable and confident as they develop their own identity (Kim & Tinajero, 2016). Sharing diverse role models also helps children see one another as part of the same community.
Extend this strategy:
Book scavenger hunt. Use the books you have at home, or visit your public library. Try to find books that have different types of people and families in them: families with two parents (one mom and one dad, two dads, two moms), families with one parent (one mom, one dad), families with grandparents, families with adopted children, multiracial families, stepfamilies, and others. See how many different kinds of families you can find. Talk about the types of families that were easiest to find in books, and the types of families that were the most difficult to find. Were there any types of families that you could not find in a book? Why do you think that is? How do you think it feels to families who cannot find books showing families that are similar to their own?
5) Strive to learn more and be inclusive within your own community. You can serve as a positive role model for the children in your life by showing interest in learning more about other individuals and families. Read stories, watch documentaries, and look for ways to learn more about the experiences of others. Participate in community cultural events and get to know other families in your community.
Extend this strategy:
Tell your child stories about how you learned about your own family culture when you were young. Share stories about your own childhood to teach your child about what was important in your family when you were young. Which of those traditions have you kept? What new traditions have you added to your family? Give each family member a chance to share about their experiences to help your child see where the many different cultural traditions in their family came from.
As we work toward a more compassionate world, there are many things we can do to model compassion and help the children in our lives learn skills to do the same. Too often, individuals and families from non-dominant groups (those from communities of color, those in the LGBTQ+ community, those who have an exceptionality or special need; those who don’t conform to gender or ability norms) carry the responsibility to educate others, to explain themselves, or even to defend themselves. If we actively teach our children to value themselves and others for our similarities and differences, we can share this responsibility as we strive to create an increasingly compassionate community for all children.
About the author: Shauna Tominey is an Assistant Professor of Practice and Parenting Education Specialist at Oregon State University. She currently serves as the Principal Investigator for the Oregon Parenting Education Collaborative and previously served as the Director of Early Childhood Programming and Teacher Education at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence. As a former early childhood teacher and family service professional, Dr. Tominey blends practical experience with research to develop and test programs aimed at promoting social-emotional skills for children and the adults in their lives. She is the author of “Creating Compassionate Kids: Essential Conversations to Have With Young Children.”
CPCK Note: What an absolute honor and delight it is to learn from Shauna Tominey! Her new book is at the top of my reading list and looks truly exceptional for promoting one of the most important skills in our children: compassion. In fact, as I worked with Highlights for Children this Fall, I learned from the 2,000 U.S. kids they surveyed, that kids say they want to help others when they see they are in pain but don’t know how. This article provides a great start and Shuana’s book builds out those strategies into ways of parenting and cultivating a family culture that makes raising children for compassion a way of life. Thank you, Shauna! We need much more of your educational resources in the world!
References:
Gilliam, W. S., Maupin, A. N., Reyes, C. R., Accavitti, M., & Shic, F. (2016). Do early educators’ implicit biases regarding sex and race relate to behavior expectations and recommendations of preschool expulsions and suspensions. Research Study Brief. Yale University, Yale Child Study Center, New Haven, CT.
Hughes, D., Rodriguez, J., Smith, E. P., Johnson, D. J., Stevenson, H. C., & Spicer, P. (2006). Parents’ ethnic- racial socialization practices: A review of research and directions for future study. Developmental Psychology, 42(5), 747– 770.
Kim, S. J., & Tinajero, J. (2016). Teaching diversity to bilingual children: Mexican- origin kindergarteners’ discussions about children’s literature depicting non- traditional gender roles. Linguistics and Literature Studies, 4, 171– 180.
And How Best to Support their Social and Emotional Development
“I had a dream that I told the girl I have a crush on that I liked her and seconds later, I watched as the whole world exploded,” my ten-almost-eleven-year-old told me as he was getting ready for bed last night. This morning, I noticed him spending time fixing his hair in the mirror, an act that, in the past, may have only occurred once a year for a big occasion like a wedding or major holiday. “I feel scared but I can’t tell you exactly why,” was another reflection he offered. Yes, for fifth graders and indeed, all the way from ages nine through fourteen as puberty begins, children are feeling a newfound sense of vulnerability and sensitivity.
Younger children are busy with the work of figuring out who they are, what they believe, and how they can explore their environments. Their greatest learning comes from play. And their belief system – how they make sense of the world around them – is magical. Fairies are just as likely to show up at their breakfast table as their baby brother.
As puberty begins around nine or ten, a child’s body begins the long (or short – depending upon your perspective) process of transforming into an adolescent on its way to adulthood. But the body is not the only aspect that is changing. A child’s ways of thinking, feeling, and perceiving the world is changing too. And though a tween’s brain is beginning a major reconstruction moving from magical thinking to the more logical thinking required of their adult years, that shift will not fully occur until their early to mid-twenties. So we witness phases – or stages – of those shifts in thinking.
Research provides helpful insight. Studies have found a direct correlation between a raised social awareness and social anxiety. As one increases, so too does the other.1 With the onset of the pandemic and stay-at-home orders, it may exacerbate a child’s social worries and feelings of isolation. It’s critical though that we as parents understand that their anxiety is developmentally normal but more pronounced because of our complex times. Why? The answer lies in the magic and the mishaps of middle childhood.
The Magic of Social Awareness
As our tween-aged sons and daughters grow in their social awareness, they can gain:
Empathy, or working to understand the thoughts and feelings of others, a learned skill. This is an ideal time to help cultivate empathetic thoughts in your child. Notice when others are hurting and question why together. Your child is capable of engaging in more in-depth conversations now about others than ever before. This “magic” is the very foundation of their social capital, leadership abilities, and healthy relationship skills for today and for their future. Try engaging in conversations about social issues that affect your family or friends. Ask questions to prompt thinking, such as, “What do you think that homeless person on the corner is thinking and feeling?” Marvel at their growing ability to deeply consider others and widen their circle of concern.
Compassion, or taking action from empathetic thoughts and feelings to provide help or support to another, or simply put: acting on empathy. When your child expresses genuine concern for that homeless person on the corner, what will you do about it? And more importantly, how can you brainstorm with them what they can do about it? Perhaps begin by taking a look at other youth who are serving their communities, raising their voices as advocates, or simply helping out where help is needed. Use your screen time together to look for inspirational models! I love this example at Pitt River Middle School. Check it out!
Deeper connections with you, with friends, with teachers, with extended family. If you thought that no deeper intimacy was possible than that of your newborn baby snuggling up to your side, try discussing the meaning of life with a ten-year-old. Tens, elevens, and beyond are capable of far deeper insights into the human condition. They are curious about the world yet have not fully erected their emotional security walls from being rejected time and again (as later adolescents and adults have). They are open to thinking big and your exploration with them will open your own eyes to new ways of seeing and perceiving the possibilities. Middle school children, though they are weighed down frequently by the anxiety of their newfound social awareness, are also purveyors of hope if we only create the safe space for questioning and dialogue. If we can show we are receptive to their big ideas and big questions, our intimacy will deepen. And similarly, children can create stronger friendships and relationships with grandparents, with caregivers, and teachers through their ability to understand how others think and feel.
Deeper learning at home and at school with the asset of social awareness. Research confirms the conditions necessary for deep learning to occur. Positive relationships in which students collaborate with teachers and with one another is essential.2 And the emotions that are generated from a commitment to caring relationships – like love, belonging, curiosity, awe, and concern – are necessary for learning to take place.3 Children, though they are attempting to think more rationally, don’t lose their ability to believe in magic and think creatively. In fact, this ability to innovate paired with social awareness can be a powerful force for making a difference in others’ lives. Check out the video Ten Kids Who Changed the World and be inspired by our children’s awesome potential!
Mishaps with Social Anxiety
As our tween’s social awareness increases, their social anxiety increases which can create:
Clumsiness in the spotlight. This could be a phenomenon you’ve experienced with your ten, eleven, twelve, or thirteen-year-old. To understand what they are going through, picture yourself going out on a theater stage with a spotlight lighting up just you as you look out on hundreds of people you know, people whose opinions really matter to you. Yes – your parents, your boss, your boss’ boss, your in-laws – the gang is all there watching every move you make. Does just the thought of it make you shrink a bit? Are you visualizing running off the stage, driving home, and burying yourself under your bed covers? If so, then you are experiencing empathy for your middle school child. Their new ability to experiment with and try to make predictions about other’s thought and feelings (note: those words are chosen because it takes a whole lot of practice to become skilled at accurately predicting others’ thoughts and feelings. We are not born mind readers!) make them feel self-conscious. And when you have a heightened sense that others are scrutinizing you, you make mistakes. You blunder. Go ahead and add a giant growth spurt and a surge of male and female hormones to the mix. Your child might be clumsy and painfully aware that he’s clumsy.
What can you do? Oh, how they need Moms, Dads, teachers, mentors, grandparents, and others to reassure them that these changes are normal…that they are truly brave, strong, kind, creative, smart, and resilient! They are old enough to learn about their own development so learn together what changes they are undergoing.
Snap-back measuring tape phenomenon. While tweens are feeling increasingly sensitive to the perceived or real judgments of their peers, they are simultaneously attempting to mimic their peers and exert their independence from you. They want to pledge allegiance to the cool kids but when rejection strikes in any form, they snap back to you as quickly as a measuring tape falls back into its original state curled up inside its case. If we are caught unaware, this extending out and pushing away can hurt us. “Mom, no more hugging me when I come out of school and can you just wait in the car?” might be the kind of message we hear after a decade of hugging and eagerly waiting for their sweet face. And the snapping back can hurt us. Tweens can become highly emotional, need us desperately, and resort to behaviors that seem much younger than their actual age. Yet, this is a normal, healthy aspect of their development.
What can you do? You can adopt the mantra, “it’s not personal, it’s development.” Being aware and being ready helps extend your patience. You can remind yourself that it really isn’t about your connection to one another but about your tween’s growth and learning. Remind yourself of those times when you pulled away or ran back home when you were a similar age. Find empathy and offer compassion for all that they are managing.
Awkward attraction. This may be an understatement when describing what it feels like to see your friends and peers in a whole new light. These people are not just playmates, they are teachers. They possess all of the social capital and cultural wisdom of the young person community. Connection and belonging to peers is not just a nice-to-have, it’s necessary to survive in school. Yet, peers can smell desperation. So middle schoolers know they must hide if they can, their vulnerabilities, including crushes. They may just feel like their world is blowing up if they confess their attraction. So they feel the heat of the magnetizing pull to their peers while they push away and attempt to appear cool!
What can you do? Normalize it. Otherwise, it’s easy for your child to feel like the only one who’s experiencing all of the social awkwardness. Share your best embarrassing stories. Share your social blunders. Laugh but also, share your empathy for what they are going through acknowledging that it’s an important step in figuring out how to have healthy relationships. Also, be sure and share what healthy relationships look like and feel like so they have a model from which to work.
Tribal survival. This may describe our children’s need and also, account for the sensitivities of our tweens. At times, we may wonder, “why did my daughter lose sleep over a simple disagreement with a friend? They’ll surely make up tomorrow.” Though we realize the sky is not really falling, the emotions felt by our middle schoolers are real and not over-dramatized. As our children gain an awareness of the larger world beyond our home and their school, they also begin to realize that they will continue to reach for independence. And as they push you away to become more self-sufficient, they know they are going to need their friends more and more as a necessary support. This is their tribe. And figuring out the rules of the tribe and how they can fit in is a critical job of middle childhood.
What can you do? Accept his/her feelings. Don’t roll eyes, minimize, or otherwise show that your tweens feelings aren’t real. The saying “name it to tame it” really works! Use more feelings words to build your emerging teen’s feelings’ vocabulary. At times, it’s a wild mash-up of emotions. “Seems like you are frustrated, hurt, and worried. Is that right?” Build your child’s emotional intelligence and they’ll feel more competent to ride the waves of their new insights with style and grace!
We can expect that our tweens will show regressive behaviors at times seeking comfort in the joys of earlier years. How can we seek out small joys together? How can we connect them to friends – even just one – who are kind and appreciate our tween for who they truly are? How can we show that we love them even when they are pushing us away? These can guide our thinking to offer the support they need to not only survive tough times but learn to thrive.
References:
Benson, P. L. (2006). All kids are our kids: What communities must do to raise caring and responsible children and adolescents (2nd ed.). San Francisco, CA, US: Jossey-Bass.
Durlak, J.A., Dymnicki, A.B, Taylor, R.D., Weissberg, R.P., & Schellinger, K.B. (2011). The Impact of Enhancing Students’ Social and Emotional Learning: A Meta-Analysis of School-Based Universal Interventions. Child Development, Jan/Feb 2011, 82(1), 405–432.
Elias, M. J., Zins, J. E., Weissberg, R. P., Frey, K. S., Greenberg, M. T., Haynes, N. M., et al. (1997). Promoting social and emotional learning: Guidelines for educators. Alexandria, VA: Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development.
Learning Together and Starting Small Can Help Children Manage Anxiety and Build Strength, Resilience, and Confidence
As soon as Tina spied her daughter’s face walking in the room, she knew something was wrong. Tina said, “Are you okay?” but daughter Alyssa quickly shut her down. “I’m fine,” she said in an aggravated tone with a stop-looking-at-me whince. Alyssa slumped onto the couch and dived deep into her device looking as if she were nearly crying. Tina kept quiet. After mere seconds, Alyssa took off running to her room slamming the door shut. Tina could just barely hear her sobs and wasn’t sure whether to knock or give her time. Tina brewed some tea and allowed herself a few hot, comforting sips before she went down the hall and gently knocked on Alyssa’s door. “Come in,” Alyssa said softly. She had calmed down enough to be able to talk. “Can you tell me what’s going on?” Mom asked. The words spilled out of her mouth like a waterfall, intense and flowing. “I hate not seeing my friends. I hate feeling left out of group chats! It feels like everyone is getting together and having fun but me.”
Whether its anxiety over your own house rules related to COVID, missing social relationships, dealing with cancelled camps or vacations, or anticipating the great unknowns of school starting in August, summer in the midst of a pandemic brings lots of altered expectations and nostalgia for the past along with feelings of loss and sadness and also, worries and fears of this new context in which friends and extended family have to remain distant.
It is a highly emotional time for the whole family but parents add yet another layer of upset as they watch their children feeling sad, anxious and worried. Zoom connecting with friends and family can offer necessary connection but can also leave family members emotionally exhausted as they long for in-person contact and work hard to exercise their ability to focus their attention, listen, and manage their impulses while not getting outside and moving as much as their bodies require.
Worry is a normal part of growing up and actually increases with our children’s awakening social awareness particularly starting around the age of nine. As they work on empathizing and taking the perspective of others, they also become self-conscious. “What if I’m criticized? What if I’m rejected?” These are common concerns of the pre-teen and teen years. These questions are heightened and persistent in this time when friends may not have the chance to connect in person at all. So then the trick becomes, how can children, tweens, and teens learn to manage that worry in healthy, constructive ways so that they can identify their feelings and use them as assets? If they do not learn healthy coping strategies, feelings can take them over and they can begin to turn to unhealthy coping strategies.
So there is a significant opportunity for parents and teachers alike to support them in learning how to manage these big worries. Check out the following ideas along with a few pitfalls to avoid along the way!
Anxiety is contagious! Manage yourself first.
When your child is upset and anxious, the first instinct of a caring parent will be to dive in and fix that problem. But in reality, if you dive in with your own stack of worries, you could (and will likely) escalate your child’s worries. That’s because your own raised heartbeat and furrowed brow can’t hide. Your child and you are deeply connected (in good times and in bad) so that they will “catch” your worry and elevate their own. Tina brewed some tea and sipped on it before she went in to talk with Alyssa. Find ways to pause, breathe, get some fresh air and a fresh perspective (“This is not the end of the world nor will it determine my child’s long term success.”), and then talk to your child.
Normalize big worries.
When you do talk, be sure and let your child know that worrying is a normal part of being human and growing up. Don’t allow him to perpetuate the myth that he’s not the only one who’s spending more time alone or feeling ridiculed. Help him identify his feelings – “I see you are feeling really worried about not seeing friends. Tell me more.” Listen to his responses while reserving your own judgment or fears. Also, talk about the roles of stress – that it can be a positive force for keeping you sharp during a test but you have to learn ways to manage it so that you are in control and it doesn’t control you.
Learn together.
Be sure you understand what the worry truly is concerning. So often we make assumptions about our child’s fears only to discover later that she really didn’t care about being invited to the group chat but merely wanted to connect with one particular friend. Actively listen and reflect back thoughts and feelings before jumping to any conclusions. Be sure that you are open to learning from your child what concerns are there so that you can be most helpful.
Empathize together and choose compassion.
When a child or teen has social anxiety, she is focusing on herself and what others think of her. If she begins to consider how others are experiencing worry or pain, if she considers how she might ease others’ challenges, then she cannot focus on her own. Help her consider: “Amanda wrote some hurtful words today online. What do you think could be going on with her? Is her home life okay? Is she worried about her friendships?” Often these questions uncover hurt that another child is undergoing. You might follow up with, “what could you do or say to help her feel more comfortable and accepted?” These questions shift your child’s focus in a positive, healthy way.
Tackle in the smallest increments.
When your child is feeling overwhelmed by disappointments or social pressures, sit down together and break it down into the smallest pieces possible. Then, simply just focus on one at a time. How can that one issue be tackled? Then, make a plan or set a positive, specific goal together for how she’ll tackle each one of the other issues. Set a clear timeframe and be there to support her through it.
Practice healthy coping strategies.
On a sunny day when emotions are not running high, grab a blank sheet of paper or markers and newsprint and do the “Feeling Better” challenge (yes, we all love a challenge that is entertaining and game-like). See how many healthy coping strategies you can list together. Remember: the smaller and easier, the better! You want to be able to use them anywhere, anytime you or your child is upset. Practice some deep breathing like ocean wave breathing, or making the sound of the ocean and imaging waves coming in and out with the rhythm of your breath. Discuss other ideas like walking in nature, tensing and releasing toes and fingers, or pretending to blow bubbles.
Stop rumination and find a new thought.
Rumination is worry run-amok. When you hear your child mentioning the same concern over and again, they’ve moved into rumination. And it’s never productive. Why? Because it’s a vicious hamster wheel turning the same thoughts and feelings over and over without any new thoughts changing the perspective. Share that the churning we tend to do does not prevent horrible events from occurring and in fact, only weighs a person down and prevents them from finding positive solutions. When ruminating, tell yourself, “Stop.” And coach your child to help them tell themselves “stop.” Then ask, “what’s one new way you can look at this situation that you haven’t considered?” “What can you learn from this?” Also, if you can, ruminate a bit on the positive. Are there friends that await connecting in safe ways? Is there summer fun yet to be experienced? Are there interesting exploration opportunities at home and in your neighborhood? Swirl around in the goodness of all that you do have in your life.
Create a small experiment.
In other words, if your child is really worried about going to the store in a mask, can you set a small goal to go and check out the parking lot, look around, and take it slow? Usually kids find that they can make it all the way through but the whole event seems overwhelming so offering small checkpoints or smaller goals helps reduce anxiety. If you set a small goal to tackle a challenge, then decide on when and how you’ll take a break or what small piece you’ll accomplish together. Celebrate with a high five or simply reflect on how they were able to get that small piece finished. Recognize together how tackling one step at a time made – what seemed like a monumental task – manageable.
Support Sleep.
Sleep is not only critical for learning the next day but it will also offer the self-control a child needs to get through his anxieties that day. But worries can keep a child up at night. So what can you do? First, be sure and stick to a consistent routine that gets business accomplished (bath, brushing teeth) and is also connecting (reading, snuggling). Make sure that there’s a calm down period with low lighting, low noise, and no screens. Let her know that worrying at night is rumination and will not accomplish anything so it’s important to leave it behind. You might try the following:
Have you seen the Mexican worry dolls? You tell the dolls your worries before bedtime, put them in their box, and they work on your worries while you sleep. You can do this with a favorite stuffed friend. Assign him night duty. Allow her to share her worries with you and her stuffed friend (or just with the stuffed friend) and then assign the task of taking care of her worries overnight so that she can put them away. Make sure she only says them once because repeating them turns into rumination and her stewing won’t change her thinking so rumination doesn’t get her anywhere. Teens can write worries down in a journal and then, place the journal in a safe location overnight where they won’t look at it.
You may also want to try a guided sleep mediation for children. Check out these from New Horizon. Visualize a calming, happy memory together from your summer fun. Or you can simply play nature sounds (I like this simple Family Mindfulness App) and listen carefully in the dark together as you take deep breaths.
Instead of catching your child’s worries and fueling them further, look at the changes this summer as an important opportunity to teach her healthy ways to manage her stress and reframe her perspectives. Those skills will be critical as she continues to face greater challenges. Your support and practice together now will become invaluable sources of strength and resilience for a lifetime.
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