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Posted on November 13, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Sturdy Vulnerability; Modeling Our Humanity as a Strength for Our Kids

By Guest Author Annie Schien, M.Ed.

I am endlessly curious about humans. I’m curious about our biological draw to connection, what belonging looks like, and how to access more “warm fuzzies” (my very academic term for that mishmash of joy/delight/wonder). I’m confident that our humanity in all its complexities is the most fascinating puzzle. What I love about this puzzle is that it is very reflective and philosophical and is also threaded in the micro moments of my own life: watching my girls’ unfolding sibling relationship, the dynamics amongst parents at preschool dropoff, or in small doses of vulnerability and shared connection with a stranger at the coffee shop. As curious as I am, I can often find myself untangling this web through intellectualizing rather than sitting in my own complex humanity. Sounds much safer, right? Like many of us, I live much more in my head rather than in my heart. This disconnect between understanding others’ humanity and sitting in my own humanity has only been a barrier to the things I crave more of: connection, intimacy, and belonging both in relationships and within myself. As I discover firsthand the beauty of being vulnerable, messy, and  human, I wonder, how can I model for my kids that this is truly our greatest strength? What healing in myself do I need to do in order to authentically live in this way? 

Discovering and Unleashing my own Humanity

Envious. Irritated. Petty. Discouraged. Insecure. Lonely. I like to call these my new friends – the ones that I vigilantly kept hidden in the shadows for most of my life. As they tiptoe out into the light, my initial reaction is to scurry them back to the shadows where they belong, or so my programming tells me. These hard-to-feel emotions are followed so quickly by shame, they blend together like a crashing wave, so much so that I struggle to distinguish shame as the secondary emotion and feel what I’m actually feeling. The biological and protective instinct for control screams “You could have avoided this uncomfortable feeling!” My lizard brain flails, and my thoughts and physiological response feels like a chicken running around with its head cut off. Because of this inner turmoil, I often feel like an exposed nerveending, tenderly feeling the pricks of the world around me. I strive to cultivate more self-compassion and a more nuanced understanding of the truth:  “to be human is to be vulnerable,” so that these uncomfortable yet unavoidable emotions feel a little less like I’ve been hit by a bus. This is the lesson I keep learning again and again: this is just the human experience. It’s messy, complicated, and imperfect. 

Since having my oldest daughter four years ago, this messiness keeps smacking me in the face. I’ve had two babies back-to-back, which has been emotionally demanding and has shifted so much of my identity, my life, and my relationships. I had a huge transition in my career leaving teaching and building a business. We had a friend die last year after fighting a rare, stage-four cancer. Messy, to say the least. Hard as I try, my humanity leaks out more and more everyday. In discovering the new edges of my own humanity, I’ve felt the necessity of evolving and shedding years of shame and repression. It’s raw and challenging to look at the armored ways I’ve lived and experienced my life: the impact that it has had on my relationships, the opportunities I’ve pursued or not pursued, and most importantly the underdeveloped self-compassion that I have within myself. 

Breaking out of said box and shedding the belief that my goal in life is to “keep it all together” at all times and at all costs has felt deeply uncertain, uncomfortable, and vulnerable. Most days, I’m just showing up the best I can while learning to accept these newly-discovered parts of myself – my humanity. I try to hold these parts with self-love, look in the mirror and tell them they’re safe here and they don’t have to scurry back to the shadows. I find myself working relentlessly to find that safety and acceptance in myself, while also learning to show all of me to those in my life. 

It feels incredibly vulnerable to let myself be fully seen by others – i.e do they think I’m a terrible person because I yelled when I was angry and overwhelmed? Is this the moment I lost control and scarred my kids forever? Am I outside of my values in how I’m expressing anger? I notice this fear of emotional exposure exasperated when I let my girls see all of imperfect me, instead of the curated, repressed version of their mom. My perfectionism tells me if I work hard enough and white knuckle tightly enough, I can keep up the charade of the curated person, mom, wife, friend, daughter – tidy and neat (this is suddenly feeling very Stepford mom). However, sharing messy, tender and vulnerable moments with my kids, where I both get to normalize my humanity and affirm theirs shows me a path forward. It’s messy, but it’s real. 

Letting Ourselves Be Fully Seen

When we let our kids see us fully, leading with vulnerability, we’re modeling and normalizing the conundrum of being human. I draw from my own chronic shame and vulnerability-avoidant experiences to imagine our kids living with more self-love and more emotional resilience – armed with skills such as self-compassion and empathy. In this world, vulnerability leads them to deeper connection and belonging, and more authentic relationships. We can, despite popular belief, be sturdy and vulnerable rather than stoic for our kids.

Sturdy vulnerability says “this is hard, and I’ve been there too,” while stoicism coldly says “Everything’s fine, and if you’re not, then there must be something wrong with you.” We are stoic for our kids with the best intentions, but this warps their perception of normal, messy humanity. 

It’s through lived experiences that I’m reminded why it’s crucial for me to do this work on myself, and keep learning how to give myself full permission to let myself be human. Ironically enough, I gained another token of experience and learning as I was writing this article. The day of my deadline, I stared at the blinking cursor, disjointed ideas and anecdotes splashed without a through line. Not to mention, what I had written felt like my heart on my sleeve, complete exposure. You know it’s a light read when “shame” and “hypervigilance” are in the first paragraph. I thought, could I really share my inner landscape to the world – the good, the bad, and the ugly? Am I the only one who experiences this in other words, is this just a “me” problem? Should I just rip the bandaid and bail out?  I stared and stared for hours, feeling so emotionally exposed that no more words came. I did something that felt very out of character – I asked for the weekend for an extension.  A few days later, I stared at that same cursor and no more words, fear tinged my eyes as I started to embrace the reality that I was, in fact, not meeting yet another deadline. By 3pm, and with the encouragement of my husband, I asked again for more time. To a meet-the-deadline-at-all-costs-especially-to-my-own-detriment type of person, this felt like a complete failure.  I cringed to prepare for the worst – rejection, judgment, criticism – as I drafted the email. However, I felt the warm wash of relief later that day when my very human moment was met with warmth, connection, and empathy (thank you, Jennifer!). In real time, I was witnessing the strength of vulnerability, the power of sharing my humanity with someone else. Putting my ego, pride, and perfectionism aside and showing up fully as myself, I was met with compassion, understanding, and shared humanity. Instead of deep shame, I felt deep connection. This is the beauty of letting ourselves be fully seen. Experiences like this continue to reinforce my core value to show up vulnerably and fully human, and motivate me to model this for my daughters. 

I find myself learning and embracing my humanity by watching others, too. When my toddlers are flung on the floor, kicking their feet and scream-crying, sometimes I’m envious. True confession. It’s primal, it’s big, it’s raw. A window into who they are and what they think, feel, and experience. Their humanity and their emotions are loud and unapologetic. And two minutes later, they’re nose-deep in a book giggling at the silly animal characters, like they weren’t distraught .25 seconds ago. They feel their feeling and then they move on. They feel their emotion in their body, we hold them and let them cry or share about what happened, and then they’re onto the next. I see how emotion and these human moments can, with neutrality, simply be part of the rollercoaster of the day. 

As someone still relatively fresh in their parenting journey, I loudly feel called to show more of myself and be a safe space for them to share all of themselves. I look at my daughters at 2.5 and 4, and wonder what their lives will look like if they live with inner safety and deep compassion for all parts of themself. I see the opportunity to model a rainbow of the human experience for them instead of a monotone one –  armored and desperately lonely. What would it look like if they never tried to confine any of the parts of their humanity? Personally, I see my daughters living with sturdiness and groundedness in themselves and surrounded by more meaningful connection in their community. This is a place where they are also endlessly curious about humanity – their own and others’ – and are rooted in the power of shared humanity. That world, that vision, is why I’ll continue to shed, learn, embrace, and grow so they can always see that rainbow. 

Annie Schien, M.Ed, is an educator, trainer and coach for the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, partner at SEL Consulting Collaborative, and founder of grow yourSELf Consulting. Annie shifted from a classroom practitioner after a decade of teaching to supporting educators and leaders in implementing systemic SEL with a focus in educator well-being. Annie has a Masters of Education in Educational Psychology from the University of Missouri, and completed a two-year Teacher Leadership certificate program through the University of California, Davis. Annie lives in Sonoma County with her husband and their daughters, Hazel and Quinn, who drive her work to integrate SEL into the home ecosystem. She is passionate about educating kids, parents, and communities and working with educators to cultivate authentic and impactful systemic change in schools. 

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Posted on November 6, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Regulation: Is It Within Reach for Parents?

By Guest Author Betty Weir

It was bedtime, and I was all by myself with my three boys, ages 3, 7, and 7. They were wound up. They were loud. They were wrestling. My husband was caring for his mother, who had recently been diagnosed with cancer. There were more and more nights that were ending like this…just me and these three, savage beasts. I finally understood the meaning behind Where the Wild Things Are, with Max turning into a monster and going off into another land. 

To make matters worse, I was internally beating myself up because I was immersed in all of the research about how to handle moments like these. I was listening to Dr. Becky Kennedy, I was reading Kristin Souers. They talked about self-regulation and the importance of breathing and staying calm in these moments. I knew that my own regulation had a direct correlation to my children’s, and if I could stay calm, they would co-regulate with me. But I just couldn’t seem to overcome the growing sense of panic happening within me. I was completely powerless. I had no idea how to get them to stop yelling, kicking, and rolling around. My emotions would usually crescendo in a loud, animal-like scream (that would finally capture their attention) or by bursting into tears (which would also get them to take notice…”Mommy, don’t cry”).

Have you been there? Do you see me? The more I have delved into this topic and learned, the more I have shifted from feeling shame for having these moments to feeling human. This is the life of a parent. Even the experts who do this for a living struggle with these moments. You’ve heard the expression, “If you know better, you do better.” But I have found that is not always true with emotional regulation. You can know the tools, the strategies, and the science very well. But when your brain goes to the amygdala, it is extremely challenging to pause and select a strategy rather than plummet into fight, flight, or freeze. 

I would argue the intentional practice of self-awareness and emotional regulation is one of the most important, and most challenging, skills we can develop as a human. As parents, when we are asked what we want for our children, a frequent response is “I want my child to be happy.” But the more I have learned, the less this is what I want most. 

When I was a school principal, someone gave me one of those little farmhouse style signs as an office decoration. The wooden sign read, “Be happy” in white, painted script. Something about it bothered me. I didn’t like the idea of giving someone an order to “be happy.” What if they were feeling angry, or sad? Then, they should be angry or sad, I thought. They shouldn’t force the feeling down, and let it become a part of them. They should feel it, allow it to course through their body and make its way out on the other side.

I thought to myself, “How can I have a sign that says, ‘Be happy’ in my office when many of the people who come into my office, whether they be children, teachers, or parents, have something bothering them or something that is not quite right? No, this sign won’t do at all.”

The nightmares I had each August before school started came to mind. When I was teaching, I dreamt that I lost my temper at the class on the first day…then, I just unleashed and started yelling at them. As an administrator, I would have a similar nightmare in which I lost my temper with my staff during a staff meeting for having side conversations. Looking back, it seems my biggest fear was losing grip on my emotions and hurling my frustration towards others.

I took two post-its and wrote, “Regulated” across them. I stuck them right over the word “happy.” If there was one goal I had for people that came through my office to seek support or express frustration, being regulated seemed like the most important way to be. The same went for me when I was in front of my class or my staff. I didn’t need to be happy, but being regulated was of the utmost importance.

As a parent, the moments I lose my patience with my children and yell or say something hurtful are my lowest. How is it that these three precious children, who I gave birth to, can get under my skin and activate my stress system more than anyone? More than the students I teach, my friends’ kids, children I see at a park or a restaurant. When I see another child having a hard time, my first response is, “Oh, they must be struggling and need some empathy and grace.” It is infinitely more challenging to have that response with my own children. Yet, I know how much my calm and regulation can support them in moments of stress.

At this point, my children are 10, 10, and 6. What I have come to realize is that when I see my children do something that is selfish, rude, messy, etc.,

In that messy moment…I not only want to teach them how to be more morally responsible or have better manners, but I am also battling a feeling of shame that I have not done my job as a parent. I am working on shifting that feeling of shame to instead serve as a reminder that these children are unfinished beings and each mistake is a learning opportunity, not a condemnation of my ability as a parent.

Over the past five years, I have learned so much from Doug Bolton, Marc Brackett, Molly Pope, Kristin Souers, and Becky Kennedy when it comes to emotional regulation. Here are five of the most helpful strategies I can pass along to this parenting community:

  1. From Doug Bolton: The positive impact of community. When someone in our community or our family causes harm, we can help them by surrounding them with care and support rather than ostracizing them. Those that are hurting can lash out the strongest. By surrounding them with care and reassuring them of our commitment to loving them, we can tame the anger and provide empathy and compassion, ultimately strengthening the bonds of the community/family.
  2. From Marc Brackett: You have to label it to regulate it. By precisely labeling your emotions, you can better determine an effective strategy to handle it. Dr. Brackett has even created a free app called “How We Feel” that supports you in labeling your emotions.
  3. From Molly Pope: Get curious about your child’s behavior. When your child is having big feelings, one of the best things we can do is ask ourselves the question, “Why is my child acting like this?” Examining the antecedent to the behavior can help to give us more information about how to support our child.
  4. From Kristin Souers: Give yourself grace. We are all trying to do our best. You deserve kindness and empathy from yourself, just as you would give to a good friend or close family member.
  5. From Becky Kennedy: The power of repair. We are all bound to have difficult moments with our children. If we make a mistake, modeling an apology and extending sincere words of repair can not only strengthen our relationship with our child, but also teach them the power of making it right with someone we have harmed.

The other important nugget I have learned from each of these professionals is that no one is perfect. Each of these five experts have shared examples of times when they lost their temper and needed to repair. Let’s not aim for perfection in parenting when it comes to regulation, as this is an impossible target. But rather, if we can see the value of emotional regulation and strive for it, offering repair and reflection when we miss the mark, we can continue on our journey as parents knowing that we have modeled what we hope to see in our children as they grow and mature.

Sources:

Doug Bolton: Untethered

Marc Brackett: Dealing with Feeling: Use Your Emotions to Create the Life You Want

Becky Kennedy: Good Inside

Kristin Souers: Fostering Resilient Learners

Molly Pope: Parenting and Consulting (various presentations)

Betty Weir is currently the Director of Professional Learning at a K-8 district in Illinois. She has been a school principal and a middle school language arts teacher, as well. Much of her educational experience has centered around literacy and SEL education for children. She is an active parent with her own three sons and has daily opportunities to learn, grow, and repair with her children.

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Posted on October 31, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Fear of Fear Itself

By Nikkya Hargrove

Fear, it’s an inevitable emotion, and yet our response to it is one that can do so much harm (and good). 

When my wife and I went through the adoption process to permanently bring our son into our family, we were fearful…carrying around the “what if’s” any adoptive parent knows well. Then came the fears associated with our in-vitro fertilization process, though none of these fears paralyzed me from taking action, it propelled me forward. 

And as for the son I feared we would lose to a broken family court system just before his adoption was finalized, he will turn nineteen next month. And those IVF procedures I was fearful would result in a miscarriage, never came true. My now 10-year-old twin daughters are daily reminders of the fear I carried leading up to the day we all left the hospital after their birth – healthy – expanding our family of three to a family of five.

But as a parent, fear doesn’t go away simply because your kids are healthy or older. My fear, at least, is ever present with every transition, graduation, playdate, or “I love you” when they hop out of our car to begin their school day.

Fear is a part of life. Fear is normal, as parents, and for kids too. There is a quiet fear that continues to walk alongside me as I grow as a parent.

What can you do if fear is your constant companion?

Lean into it. 

For example, when there is a new social situation, recall the many social situations in which you were fine and head into it with confidence that you’ll be okay. For young children, remind them of times they met new friends or had fun after being scared to show up. For adults, especially when it comes to young children, but also for adults (think first PTA meeting), you have plenty of memories of times that well to call upon.

Name it. 

Call it what it is, and don’t wallow in the “symptoms” like heart racing, shortness of breath, sweat, etc. When you name it, you bring down the heat of the emotion by accepting its real and seeking the understanding of another.

Decipher whether it is a valid fear or a perceived fear. 

As is true with the nerves that arrive before a first PTA meeting, there is only perceived threat. There’s no real and impending danger. When you identify that it’s perceived and not real and immediate, you can alter your story and normalize your feelings. 

My daughter is afraid of the dark. My other daughter isn’t afraid of much, but she isn’t fond of heights. Our son spent much of his life living in the fearless lane, but today, he is afraid of failure.I can certainly relate. I have a fear of failure too.

To lean into the fear, it must first be recognized as such – a fear. While anxiety is innately born out of fear, how does one quiet that voice? For me, it’s a lot of talking myself down off of the ledge, just like I do for my children. Self-talk can be an incredibly powerful tool. 

The words we use to empower, and propel us forward, quiets the fear, and provides us (and our children) with the ability to get through the uncomfortable situation. For us as parents, it may be meeting with the principal to discuss behavior issues or it may be how we are going to pay the mortgage and put food on the table. 

The idea that we must put the “mask” on ourselves before we do that for anyone else, especially our children, holds true here.

We must understand our own emotions before we can help our kids understand their own.

You can authentically walk your kids through managing their fear, whether it’s situational or a manifestation of anger, anxiety, or self-doubt.

When our almost nineteen-year-old began to prepare to leave home and return to college, he started getting angry, and short with his siblings, and his moms. He was more irritable, and hard on himself, his fear of the unknown (what his second year of college would be like) manifested as anger and anxiety. 

My wife and I handled it by letting him ride the wave so to speak. We let him navigate his fears, as best he could, because it was his process. And anyone with a teenager will tell you that reasoning with them is almost impossible. But in time, they will get it, and our son is no different. We gave him concrete examples of the fear we had when returning to college, and the excitement too. We tried to help him calm his fears by reminding him that it is normal to have such a fear.

I often forget that one of the many gifts of parenthood is that, like our children, we can continue to grow with them – through fears, anxieties, and self-doubt.

Nikkya Hargrove is an alum of Bard College and a 2012 Lambda Literary Fellow. She has written for the The New York Times, The Guardian, The Washington Post, Taproot Magazine, Elle, and more. Her memoir, Mama: A Black, Queer Woman’s Journey to Motherhood, is forthcoming from Algonquin Books. She is owner of Obodo Serendipity Books in Stratford. She lives in Connecticut with her one son and two daughters and is a staff writer for Scary Mommy. Learn more at https://www.nikkyamhargrove.com.

Don’t miss Nikkya’s powerful memoir — Mama; A Queer Black Woman’s Story of a Family Lost and Found.

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Posted on October 23, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

How Parents Can Confront the Ghosts of their Past

First, there was the angry specter who gave me a genuine jump scare. When my son was in the toddler and preschool years, little E lashed out with his hands when he was angry. He didn’t have the words in that moment of upset. I felt the ghost of my own young child being punished by an angry mother. And I surprised myself in becoming emotional when I knew that all my son needed was a calm mother to help him regulate his upset. That ghost shook me to the core and pushed me to reflect on how I might confront it. And it raised the question, “what other ghosts lay in wait until just the moment when I’m least expecting them to jump out and scare me?” And if they do jump out, I wondered, how will I respond in ways that do not hurt my relationship with my family? How do I respond in ways that model for my child healthy and courageous ways to respond to ghosts? And lay in wait they did. Ghosts are incredibly patient.

In the early school age years, E would come home with painful stories. He got teased and criticized for missing a ball during a game or he got pushed by a classmate who simply didn’t like him. This is where the unbounded-empathy ghost scared me. Experiencing my son’s pain felt unbearable. And the unbounded-empathy ghost haunted me repeatedly making me feel helpless and aching. How can I respond to this? My son needs me. And I felt compelled to protect him. All I wanted to do was rip him out of school and tell the parents of the children who had hurt him exactly what their children had done. Of course, I knew this response was utterly unreasonable. So I had to seek out healthy ways to respond.

As the years went on, I took on more and more of the family burdens and responsibilities until one day, the burnout ghost appeared as if out of nowhere. Though she’d been hanging around for some time, I finally noticed her presence. I had been telling myself the story that I was strong. That I was desperately needed by everyone for pretty much everything. That I was the only one who could do it all – all the chores, all the parenting, all the things. And my partner was left asking: “where do I fit in to this equation? And where does our son fit?” The burnout ghost is an insidious one because she creeps around but rarely shows her face. You may shiver when you feel her but because of the nature of this ghost, you press on ignoring the chill in the air. Yet, she uses her power by spreading the fog of shame and not-enough-ness to keep you working and beat you down. When she does show, though, and you can see her clearly. You notice that she’s out for destruction and particularly for destroying trusting, confident, and loving relationships – one’s in which each person owns their own responsibilities that contribute to their own well-being and to the whole family.

There have been and continue to be many more ghosts that show up through parenthood; far too many to name. And you may experience very different ones than these mentioned depending on how you were brought up in your own childhood. Others may experience the slave-to-social-expectations ghost, particularly brutal and potentially, psychologically damaging. There’s also the achievement-at-all-costs, the there’s-no-crying-in-parenting or the never-good-enough-parent ghosts. Not to mention, the not-seen-or-valued ghost and the victim (everyone-else-is-to-blame) ghosts. Whichever ghosts you encounter, they are utterly personal and designed to scare you into either submission, a.k.a repeat the patterns of the past, or growth.

What ghosts haunt you in your role as a parent?

These ghosts are NOT your parents, teachers, or former caregivers. They represent the residual reactions and feelings you experienced throughout your childhood that often came from caregivers’ decisions, words, and actions. And though they lack substance in this time, in this space, they know exactly how to genuinely frighten. When they well up in you – on top of an already busy, heart-invested life – they can take you over and truly make you question yourself in fundamental ways…particularly when you react to them quickly and impulsively out of fear and protection. 

This time of year, we have many opportunities to fill ourselves up with courage and capability. If we choose authenticity (looking directly at those ghosts) and growth (confronting them) as the way in which we’ll respond, we’ll need to face the darkness knowing that although those apparitions lay in wait for our moment of vulnerability, we’ve prepared. And we can! After all, they do not represent reality, only thin air. If we spend time reflecting, if we know exactly how we will show up differently, we can and will be ready. Here’s how a neurobiologist and psychiatrist explains this phenomenon:

Experiences that are not fully processed may create unresolved and leftover issues that influence how we react to our children…When this happens, our responses toward our children often take the form of strong emotional reactions, impulsive behaviors, distortions in our perceptions and sensations in our bodies. These intense states of mind impair our ability to think clearly and remain flexible and affect our interactions and relationships with our children (Siegel & Hartzell, 2003).

Readying yourself for your ghosts can be one of the most powerful proactive steps you can take to bring your best to your parenting and raise confident kids and teens. So when you have a quiet time and space, use the following exercise with your journal in hand. 

Reflect on the following questions. Be sure and write out your answers (writing by hand connects the emotions to the cognitive parts of the brain and typing does not connect those two as well so I recommend writing by hand.). This will work better for you if you spend some time getting still and coming from your place of higher wisdom. So before you begin writing…

Sit in Stillness… set a timer for two minutes of stillness. Sit comfortably upright. Close your eyes or lower your gaze. You can focus on your breath. Or you can send gratitude to your heart. This will prepare you for bringing your highest wisdom to your journaling.

1. Ultimately what do I want for my child (children) or teen (teens)?

2. What are my deepest values that I want to teach, communicate, and pass on to my children/teens?

3. Do I have feelings of upset, anger or fear that rise up stronger, bigger, and more intensely than the circumstance merits? Do I have strong reactions that surprise myself? Do I regret reactions? When do any of these happen? These are an indicator of ghosts. What is happening with my child or teen at those times? Or what circumstances, people, or events press my most vulnerable buttons in my role as a parent?

3. What actions do I typically take when those buttons are pushed? What words do I use? What tone of voice do I use? What is my body positioning communicating? 

4. Do those words and actions align with my deepest values for my life and my role as a parent? Do they align with what I want to teach my child? In other words, since we know our children learn the most from modeling, if my child repeated my words or actions in public, would I be glad and proud, or ashamed or angry? If the latter is the case, then what words and actions would I feel proud of?

5. Consider those current child or teen behaviors that I’m challenged by in the context of my own childhood. Do I exhibit those behaviors? If so, how did my parents or caregivers react? How did I feel in those moments? Are those same feelings showing up for me now?

6. What did my parents/caregivers feel strongly about? What did I get into trouble for? Or what did my caregivers worry about? How does that relate to how I feel about my children in similar circumstances?

7. Are my reactions similar to how my parents reacted to me? Or are my reactions similar to how I felt or reacted when I was scolded or my parents’/caregivers’ upset me? Am I tempted to repeat actions my parents or caregivers chose? Or am I tempted to react in the opposite way – reacting to a parent’s or caregiver’s choices? 

8. If I have discovered through my reflections that my words and actions do not align with my deepest values and have uncovered childhood wounds, how can I first address those hurts? Do I need to learn more? Do I need to accept my hurt or shame? Can I work to better understand my parent’s perspectives and their challenges?

If you feel anger, spend some time journaling about that feeling and its origins recognizing that your anger is valid and that you must take care of your own feelings first. How can you soften to become compassionate for yourself? Is it possible to find greater understanding for your caregivers and their circumstances, lack of knowledge, and lack of support they were navigating?

Then recognize that the feelings from their origins do not apply in this time and space now. The context, the people, the world — everything is different. So there is a chance to heal the past by focusing on the present and how you can make new, healthier choices.

9. What would be the healthiest choice to make when I reencounter this ghost? How can I help myself make that choice? Do I need time and space to move away in order to calm down first? Do I need reminders of what I plan to do? Do I need to communicate my plan to a partner or friend for accountability?

Write your plan down in your journal. Revisit when you need to so that you are ready.

Be aware that sometimes these ghosts are too much to try and navigate without support. Sometimes the wisest, bravest decision you can make is finding a counselor or therapist who will offer you that necessary support to be able to face into those button-pushing moments and the fears behind them.

Consider the ghost that haunts you frequently and how you feel about your common reaction. Is it guilt, shame, anger, frustration? Now imagine using the plan you’ve just created – and professional support if needed – to bring your highest self to those very moments. Whether that requires you to leave the space, to go inside yourself and breathe, to insist on a pause, and then to respond by affirming feelings, you will feel a sense of empowerment and agency beyond compare. And you’ll never look back. Because you’ve called this ghost on their tricks and just like that, you’ve removed their power over you.

This work is foundational to changing the path for this generation. When we do our deeper work as parents, we feel competent and capable. We fear the ghosts less with our plan for healthy responses at the ready. Even in our busy lives, we are able to channel our deepest values through our reactions to the ghosts when we invest in reflective action and heart-led courage. 

May this Halloween bring your family joy, courage, connection, and well-being as you face the darkness together.

Reference:

Siegel, D. & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out, How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. NY: Penguin Group.

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Posted on October 21, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Educators: Join us tomorrow!

Are you an educator, school leader, or a family support professional looking for practical strategies to strengthen family engagement in your school community?

Join presenter and author Jennifer Miller, M.Ed. along with our educator panelists Karen Luallen and Ana Navarro De Ruiz as they explore the role family engagement plays in promoting healthy parent-child relationships and identify key skills for building healthy home relationships. This free webinar will take place next Wednesday, October 22nd from 4:00-4:45 p.m. EST.

Plus, learn more about how the new Harmony Home app helps parents support skill building beyond the school day.

Register today at no cost: https://brnw.ch/21wWAth

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Posted on October 17, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Coming Soon for Educators! Partnering with Parents Webinar through Harmony Academy

Are you an educator, school leader, or a family support professional looking for practical strategies to strengthen family engagement in your school community?

Join presenter and author Jennifer Miller, M.Ed. along with our educator panelists Karen Luallen and Ana Navarro De Ruiz as they explore the role family engagement plays in promoting healthy parent-child relationships and identify key skills for building healthy home relationships. This free webinar will take place next Wednesday, October 22nd from 4:00-4:45 p.m. EST.

Plus, learn more about how the new Harmony Home app helps parents support skill building beyond the school day.

Register today at no cost: https://brnw.ch/21wWAth

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Posted on October 16, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Teaching Kids and Teens Responsible Decision-making with Technology

“I worry about Jake in his room with the door shut. What’s he seeing that he doesn’t want us to see?” posed a friend with a worried brow. She goes on, “When we were teens, parents worried about curfews and what we were doing at other people’s houses but when we were home, they could breathe easy. They knew we were safe. Now, that’s not the case.” It’s true. Once children reach the age of owning their own personal devices — an age which seems to get younger with each passing year — we, as parents, have worries. And those worries are valid. The internet is still the wild, wild unregulated west, offering mostly free reign to publish any content including the very dark stuff. 

The tech-in-every-person’s-hand world that we live in has created more isolation. For parents, it may feel like we are skating around the issue frequently but not often or ever able to enter our child’s private digital world. Even if we activate parental controls, there’s still a big world that can be accessed with the touch of a screen. Ownership is a natural human desire and with smartphones in particular, our children can become Gollum-like, “my precious!”, about them. When we try and stir conversation about what’s going in our teen’s social media world, they can become snappish or quiet. First, it’s their own world and that gives them a sense of independence and freedom they don’t enjoy in most of the rest of their lives. And second, how can you describe or even adequately reflect on the rush of images, messages, music, and videos that pass by on screens in nano-seconds? There may be themes but how can a teen call out those themes as they rush past them while scrolling?

Though my own experience of teen parents and parents in general is that we worry about social media, teens’ impressions of their parents (as found in a research study by Pew Trust) is that we don’t.1 Only one in five teens thought their parents’ worried about social media. That same research study showed that nearly half of teen parents regularly worry about social media. So how about you? Do you worry about social media, smartphones, or technology in general? What part of technology do you worry most about?

One concern is that teens do not feel like they are in the driver’s seat when it comes to social media and the information companies collect on them. Both parents’ worry and teens’ feelings of helplessness amount to a lack of agency. But we do not have to passively accept what’s on our screens. It’s worth looking at some small steps we can take to gain more control over our own usage and our teen’s to loosen the grip of worry and take action. When we do, we’ll have more confidence in our ability to meet the challenges we are faced with. So what can we do to cultivate agency in ourselves and in our children and teens related to technology in our lives?

Make the invisible visible to yourself, your teen, and your family. Work with your teen on how to be proactive – and take control – of their content and also who they connect with online. Here are a few ways you can promote their sense of agency — and your own!

  1. Establish a Safe, Regular Digital Dialogue

Ask yourself, are your current interactions around social media psychologically safe from your teen’s perspective? If there’s been any inkling of a “gotcha” or fear in your questions of them, then the answer is likely no. So how can you turn that around and create a safe, ongoing dialogue about social media? Work to establish a new norm or expectation around your digital conversations. Turn that around by cultivating their trust in this area. 

Listen first! Spend some time learning from your digital native. Ask questions like, what do you think of AI?, with curiosity and open-mindedness. Wait to share your views until you’ve spent some time getting to know and understand their perspectives and how they view the purpose of technology in their lives. Then, focus on a two-week period and become intentional about your daily interactions – at least one digital and one in person – that are positive like sharing a post you laughed about or a video that you both might enjoy. Check yourself and your own comments after that two-week experiment. Do I have a balanced view – some positive experiences, some negative ones? If not, how am I seeking out more of the positive experiences? How am I sharing in the positive experiences with my teen? How am I creating a safe space to discuss social media so that when there is a problem, my teen will come to me?

Concerned about AI? Generative AI is now a part of all common search engines. Children and teens are likely to use it at times, without awareness that they are using it. So help raise awareness. First, use it yourself to gain firsthand experience. Then, talk about the positives of AI. It can help give you helpful background knowledge on a new topic. It can synthesize and come up with themes for a large amount of information. It can explain a complex topic in simple, understandable terms. But also, it can be inaccurate. When I conducted my own quick experiment for parenting advice, it offered some helpful tips and some that were contrary to science. In a study by Common Sense Media, nearly two out of five teen students who have used AI for homework have found inaccuracies.2 AI may seem like an appealing short cut to students but plagiarism can be detected by fact checking sites. More importantly, they short change the thinking skills they’ll need to develop for today and their future by using only what they find with AI. Dialogue about the constructive ways to use it. Engage your child’s teacher in the conversation so you understand the school’s policies. Come up with your own co-created rules for AI use so that your child or teen feels prepared when they are faced with making choices about how they will navigate AI.

2. Build Emotional Awareness.

When you are leaving time on social media, how are you feeling? Model your observations and become aware of yourself and your own reactions. Offer a simple story at your family dinnertime. “I’m making an effort to notice how I feel. Today, I felt…” The simple step of connecting your emotions to your experience of social media will help build that emotional awareness muscle in yourself and model it for family members.

3. Discuss/Educate on the Positive and Negative Effects of Images and Video.

Though research has struggled to pinpoint the extent of the impact of images and video on physical and mental health outcomes, we know that repeated traumatic imagery and video can have a harmful effect.3 What’s most important is that our children and teens understand that and look for ways to protect their own well-being. There are images that you cannot unsee. They stay in your mind. And as we discuss that fact with our son, he understands that if he goes looking for horror, for example, he might discover there are images he won’t want to view. It’s important to discuss that only one search for a curiosity can result in more of the same being sent to you. So go in and block together when undesirable content arises so that you teen knows exactly how to do it themselves and can take control of their viewing to a certain extent.

4. Take Steps to Self Manage and Share. 

What steps can you take to self manage your own social media/smartphone intake? For example, leaving phones in a charging station somewhere other than bedrooms is one possible step. Another could be moving app accessibility so that it’s not staring at you when you open your phone. Tuck it away as a reminder that you need to go to that app less. Turning off notifications is yet another. Are there times of the day when leaving the phone behind or shutting it down is important like dinnertime, or supporting homework and study time? Discuss these as the steps you are taking and encourage your family to discuss how they’ll gain time if they come up with their own ideas and strategies for self management. 

5. Cultivate Responsible Decision-making Skills.

Before downloading any new app, particularly for children and teens without the independence of their own credit card yet, learn together about it and it’s age-appropriateness before you download. Start this young and early if you can. Once you’ve shown your teen how to look up reviews — check out Common Sense Media! — and learn more about the content, they can take charge of their own vetting before they come and ask you for your money to download it.

Also be sure and discuss what is shareable personal information and what should not be shared. Play out potential consequences to draw connections between sharing their location today on an unsafe app and why that could be a dangerous move that could impact them in a week or two. Our teen’s cannot possibly be aware of all of the pitfalls…just as we aren’t. Discuss what and where information can and should be shared. Be sure and gain consent from your teens if you plan to share their information or photos. If they aren’t comfortable, don’t share their image. The trust has to work both ways! 

Proactively talk about cyberbullying and toxic attacks. If you introduce the topic at a time when your teen seems willing to open up (car ride?) surely, they’ll have stories to share. Share your own stories too and encourage blocking attackers. Teens can feel uncomfortable blocking anyone they know for fear of retribution from their peers. “But they’re not attacking me,” might be a teen’s logic. Yet, you might discuss the fact that consistent attackers require an audience and you are a willing participate if you remain a follower. We know they will eventually turn on your teen. With that in mind, it might be easier for them to see it’s important to end the conversation.

6. Raise Algorithmic Awareness

Alright, the phrase doesn’t exactly roll easily off the tongue but it’s important for you and your teen to understand how the algorithms determine your social media experience. Though you may feel passive in your viewing habits, all social media is structured for interaction and every interaction — “thumbs up!” — gets coded as data about your viewing habits. Instead of mindless viewing, you can take some control over what you view and help your teen do the same. Take some time to discuss all of the things your teen loves including causes they might be passionate about. Maybe they love sloths or travel or photography or crafting or train modeling or playing drums? Maybe they are concerned about ways we can help the homeless or address the world’s environmental issues? Make a list of all the things they love. Now encourage them to go into their social media proactively and check out sites and profiles in their interest areas. Encourage them to really review the history of posts to ensure it’s a positive addition. Then, they can follow those new feeds and do a deep dive into what they love. If you or they pick well, it will fill their feed with enriching, inspiring content. That’s digital agency! 

Navigating technology continues to pose challenges for teens and parents alike. But we can become more conscious of the ways we are taking it in, when we take it, and how we take it in. We can proactively seek out quality content — like you are right here, right now! — and make sure that we load our feeds with inspiration, factual knowledge, and enrichment. How are you adding to the those areas on social media – inspiration, factual knowledge, and enrichment? Technology is simply the tool. It’s humans who create the content. Ultimately, we can have digital agency.

References

Vogels, E. A., & Gelles-Watnick, R. (2023). Teens and Social Media: Key Findings from Pew Research Center Survey. Pew Research Center.

Calvin, A., Lenhart, A., Hasse, A., Mann, S., and Robb, M.B. (2025). Teens, trust, and technology in the age of AI: Navigating trust in online content. San Francisco: CA: Common Sense Media.

Holman, E.A., Irvine, J., Andersen, P., Poulin, M., McIntosh, D., & Gil-Rivas, V. (2012). Mental and Physical Health Effects of Acute Exposure to Media Images of the 9/11 Attacks and the Iraq War. Psychological Science.

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Posted on October 9, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Helping Children and Teens Rewrite their Internal Narrative; Intentional Self-Talk for Well-being and Self Confidence

by Guest Author Tracy Nemecek

When my oldest daughter was learning to ride a bicycle, she encountered some proprioceptive challenges, which made it difficult for her to know her body’s position in space.  She found it particularly hard to balance, and her bicycle frequently tipped over. These nuanced sensory experiences, when combined with some negative self-talk, led her to feel frequently discouraged and ready to give up trying.  While she has been successfully riding a bicycle for years now, our family references this time in her life on occasions when we are seeking to emphasize the power of internal narrative on emotions and actions.

Many individuals talk to themselves more than they talk to anyone else throughout the course of their lives, and our intrapersonal relationship – the relationship we have with ourselves – is the longest-lasting relationship we will have across our lifespan.1 So it makes sense to take some time to consider the ways that self-talk and internal narrative can contribute to making this lifelong relationship a healthy one.

The concept of self-talk is well-demonstrated by the use of the thought bubble in comics and graphic novels. When a character is talking, a bubble that contains the words they are speaking is drawn near their mouth. When a character is thinking, a bubble that contains the words they are saying to themselves is drawn above their head. Asking children and teens to imagine that they are characters in comics or graphic novels can allow them to consider what might be in their thought bubble at a particular moment. From there, they can consider how the content of their thoughts is impacting their emotions, their physiological responses, and their behaviors.

My daughter’s thought bubble content of “I can’t do this” started as an understandable response to learning something new that was challenging, but it began to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. We asked her to reflect on how she might feel if we as her parents/bicycling teachers repeatedly told her that she wasn’t going to be able to learn to ride, and to think about how telling herself that same message was doing just as much damage to her self-assurance as if it were coming from someone else. My daughter’s self-talk led her to feel discouragement, frustration, anger, and low self-confidence, and the presence of these emotions and the physiological sensations accompanying them made it even more difficult to focus her attention on what she was trying to learn. Her emotional responses to her self-talk were understandable and valid, but she got stuck in a loop.  By working to change the content of her thought bubble, she was able to shift her response and eventually find success with her goal. 

Psychologists Aaron Beck and David Burns introduced the concept of cognitive distortions, which are common thinking patterns that lead people to filter their experiences through a negative and self-critical lens.2,3  Some examples of cognitive distortions include:

  • All-or-nothing thinking: looking only at the extremes of a situation and ignoring the middle ground
  • Overgeneralizing: concluding that a negative event is a link in a chain of neverending negative events
  • Catastrophizing: predicting that the worst possible outcome is about to occur
  • Fortune-telling: assuming that we know the outcome of a situation, and that it’s going to be negative

When parents can help themselves and their children to recognize when distorted thinking is occurring, a powerful shift can take place.  By first identifying a potential distortion, a person can start to separate from their thoughts and consider the reality that all thoughts are not true. By taking a pause, we can allow ourselves to get out of autopilot and consider our options more thoughtfully and carefully. 

It makes sense to take some time to consider the ways that self-talk and internal narrative can contribute to making this lifelong relationship a healthy one.

In the case of my daughter learning to ride her bicycle, the process of drawing her attention to her self-talk looked something like the following. You can..

  1. Acknowledge and validate her emotions… by saying “This is really challenging. You’re feeling so frustrated.”  Helping ourselves and others become aware of and make changes to self-talk isn’t about ignoring reality or pretending unpleasant emotions are not present. Offering emotional validation first allows a person to feel seen, heard, and understood, which can help them to be more open to the idea of making a change like shifting self-talk patterns.4
  2. Raise awareness of current self-talk patterns. We helped her become aware of the impact of her self-talk by asking her to sit with the thought bubble of “I can’t do this” and consider which feelings and behaviors were resulting from that thinking. She realized her body was responding with stomach upset and muscle tension, and once she focused on those sensations, it became even more difficult to re-direct her attention to what she was trying to learn, and her bicycle would tip over, leading to many falls and scrapes and enough doubt to leave her to question whether she wanted to continue trying. This was a learning opportunity for our daughter to realize the connections between her self-talk, emotions, and actions.
  3. Coach to alter those internal messages. Once she was more regularly noticing her internal dialogue, we worked to help her change it to something that was accurate, while also being more self-supportive. We suggested changing “I can’t do it” to “I can’t do it yet”, “This is hard, and I want to keep trying”, and “What do I need to do differently on the next try?”.  This involved us brainstorming and then modeling different self-talk phrases aloud, and asking our daughter to consider the impact of subtle changes in the words she was saying to herself.

It took a lot of repetition and redirection, and she gradually became more motivated to stick with practicing, experiencing longer rides as well as falls, and eventually, learning to bicycle on her own. Promoting an understanding of the links between self-talk, emotions, and actions provides a connection to vital competencies including:5

Self-awareness: identifying one’s emotions; linking feelings, values and thoughts; having a growth mindset 

Self-management: regulating one’s emotions; identifying and using stress management strategies; exhibiting self-discipline and self-motivation; setting personal goals, showing the courage to take initiative; demonstrating personal agency

Responsible decision-making: demonstrating curiosity and open-mindedness; identifying solutions for personal problems; learning to make a reasoned judgment; anticipating and evaluating the consequences of one’s actions; recognizing the utility of critical thinking skills; reflecting on ways in which to promote personal well-being

This focus on self-talk started when my daughter was in elementary school, and it continues to be relevant today. Now that both of our children are older, we help them apply an awareness of the power of self-talk to social situations by inviting them to identify the objective facts in a situation before jumping to a conclusion about an interaction with a friend or making premature assumptions about another person’s behaviors or motivations. 

When they feel uncomfortable with a peer’s response to them, we validate their emotions (“It’s difficult when you don’t know why someone acted the way they did”), invite them to check their assumptions (“What is leading you to believe they are mad at you?  Are there other possible explanations?  If you consider another reason for why they may have acted that way, does it feel easier to imagine asking them about it?”), and encourage them to identify a realistic and self-supportive statement. (“I haven’t asked them about this yet, so I don’t know for sure how they are feeling.  It may have something to do with me, and it may not have anything to do with me.”)    

Considering the power of self-talk is useful for us as parents, too. At times when we find ourselves starting to catastrophize when a situation feels similar to a past scenario that didn’t end with a desired outcome, we can employ validation, curious exploration, and identification of a self-supportive next step within our own self-talk.  “It’s understandable that I’m feeling worried about how this is going to turn out, given what’s happened in the past. Just because we’ve faced this challenge before doesn’t mean the outcome is going to be the same as last time.  What do I need to respond to in the present moment?” 

Being aware of and making changes to self-talk does not mean being dishonest with oneself, nor does it promote engaging in toxic positivity. Noticing whether we are bringing a mindset of curiosity or conclusiveness to our reflection on a situation can allow us to choose open-mindedness over a premature limitation of our options. When our self-talk reflects curiosity, we can neutrally notice how we are approaching a situation and make a thoughtful decision about the best next step. When our self-talk reflects certainty, we are more likely to act based on an untested assumption or shut down the option of looking at an event from multiple angles. Our inner dialogue is always present, sometimes at the forefront, and sometimes in the background of our conscious awareness.  Because of its omnipresence, it’s worth learning to use it as a tool for growth instead of allowing it to work against us.  Harnessing the power of our self-talk can lead us to be more self-aware, well-regulated, and informed decision-makers, competencies that will help us continue to grow into healthier parents raising healthier kids.

  1. Heavey, C. L., & Hurlburt, R. T. (2008). The phenomena of inner experience. Consciousness and Cognition, 17(3), 798–810. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.concog.2007.12.006
  2. Beck, A. T. (1963). Thinking and depression: I. Idiosyncratic content and cognitive distortions. Archives of General Psychiatry, 9(4), 324–333. https://doi.org/10.1001/archpsyc.1963.01720160014002
  3. Burns, D. D. (1989). The feeling good handbook: Using the new mood therapy in everyday life. Plume Books.
  4. Stern, J. A., Borelli, J. L., & Smiley, P. A. (2015). Assessing parental empathy: A role for empathy in child attachment. Attachment & Human Development, 17(1), 1–22. https://doi.org/10.1080/14616734.2015.1006382
  5. Greenberg, M. T., Weissberg, R. P., O’Brien, M. U., Zins, J. E., Fredericks, L., Resnik, H., & Elias, M. J. (2003). Enhancing school-based prevention and youth development through coordinated social, emotional, and academic learning. American Psychologist, 58(6-7), 466–474.

Tracy Nemecek is a parent to two daughters, ages 20 and 17.  She is also a licensed mental health counselor in private practice in Rochester, NY and an SEL educator who works with both children and adults in a variety of school and community settings.  Learn more at https://intentionalliving-counseling.com.

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Posted on October 2, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Waving Goodbye and Letting Go; A Parent’s Own Journey with Pride, Fear, and Trust

Last year, when my youngest daughter Lily went to college in Ireland, I traveled with her and spent a week helping her settle into her dorm room. The hardest part wasn’t the long flights, the challenging tasks around immigration, setting up an Irish bank account and phone number, or even acclimating to unfamiliar surroundings. It was leaving her there and coming home. Though we had perfect weather all week, on our final morning together, it shifted to match my emotions: cool, Dublin windy (you know if you’ve been to the coast of Ireland) and gloomy. We stood on the busy sidewalk outside the hotel waiting for my Uber to the airport, and when it pulled up, I hugged Lily tightly for a long moment, never wanting to let go, but desperately attempting to model strength and courage. Finally, I slid into the car and looked back at my brave and beautiful child. The last image I saw was my daughter on the curb, waving through big tears as I pulled away. This is a scene that plays over and over in my mind when I’m thinking of this incredible adventure that we are both sharing.

I was sad when my oldest left for school 3 hours away. I believe that sending a child to college or a gap year program away from home is a turning point for parents and caregivers. We spend years preparing them to leave the nest, and then suddenly, the moment arrives. When that means flying overseas, the emotions seem more intense and scarier. For me, the surprise was even greater because Lily had always been a bit shy and happiest at home. She loved the comfort of family. So when she announced that she wanted to attend college 3,500 miles away in Ireland, I was caught off guard. Pride swelled at her courage, but fear and grief were present too. I had many “what-ifs”: new healthcare systems, cultural differences, and the reality that you cannot be nearby if they struggle. Letting go in this situation is not just about giving your child independence—it’s about reimagining the parent-child relationship across distance, time zones, and the Atlantic Ocean.

Developmental psychologists describe the college years as part of “emerging adulthood,” a stage between ages 18–25 marked by exploration, independence, and identity-building.1 For many students, studying abroad accelerates these developmental tasks. They are challenged to navigate unfamiliar systems, problem-solve daily, and adapt to new cultural norms—all of which foster resilience, empathy, and confidence.

Lily’s choice to study overseas was an especially powerful example of this. For a child who once loved the safety of home and was often shy in new settings, deciding to cross an ocean for school showed remarkable growth. Her leap into the unknown illustrates exactly what the research describes: young adults need to test their independence, expand their identities, and develop the skills that will carry them into adulthood.

For parents, this season is equally developmental. Research reminds us that adults continue to practice the same core skills we hope to nurture in our children including self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, relationship skills, and responsible decision-making.2 Watching a child move overseas may stir fear and grief, but it also creates opportunities for parents to grow in emotional regulation, perspective-taking, and trust. In other words…

this transition is not just our child’s journey toward independence—it is ours as well.

Strategies for Parents Navigating Letting Go

  1. Pay attention to your emotions. Feeling heartbroken and proud at the same time is a valid reaction. Research shows that paying attention to and naming emotions helps us to manage them. Saying aloud, “I feel so proud of Lily’s courage, and also anxious about the miles between us,” lessens the power of the big feelings and models self-awareness for her and for those around me.
  2. Rethink your touch points. It’s time to rethink the connection that you have shared with your child for the first eighteen years. Instead of daily reminders and frequent monitoring, move to scheduled weekly phone or video calls. This is a shift supported by research showing that autonomy and trust strengthen young adults’ resilience and parent-child relationships.1
  1. Trust the toolkit you’ve helped build. Recognize that the wise decision-making, problem solving, and resilience you’ve nurtured are the very competencies research identifies as essential for young adults’ success and well-being.1 In other words, remember that the skills you spent years building are the tools your child is now using living away from home, even if it’s only in the next city. Trusting their ability to make wise choices allows you to let go of some of the fears and celebrate their growth and independence.
  2. Create your own support system. Seek out friends, family, or parent networks who understand this transition, since research shows that social support is a critical factor in navigating major life changes and fostering resilience (Tinto, 1993). As an educator, I know the value of social connection, and I’ve found comfort in leaning on my family and friends as part of my own support system.
  1. And finally, practice your own resilience. This season offers parents the chance to reimagine their role. Instead of dwelling on the “what-ifs,” I remind myself that Lily is learning to thrive in another culture and whatever arises, we will work through it together. Use mindfulness – paying attention to your senses, thoughts, and emotions – along with journaling, and positive self-talk as strategies for cultivating calm when challenges arise with your child. There will be challenges, and you will be able to work through them, even from a distance.

Letting go when your child leaves home is one of the most profound tests of parenting. It stretches the heart in ways we can’t fully anticipate. Yet it also reminds us of the purpose behind all the years of teaching, guiding, and nurturing—so our children can confidently step into their own lives, even when those lives unfold across an ocean.

For me, watching Lily embrace this leap has been both humbling and inspiring. I’ve realized that while she’s learning resilience, self-advocacy, and adaptability in Ireland, I’m still learning too—how to release control, how to trust, and how to reshape our bond across time zones. By acknowledging our emotions, trusting the skills we’ve built, and reimagining our connection, we can navigate this transition with grace. In the end, both parent and child grow stronger, more resilient, and more compassionate—each learning to let go, but also how to hold on in new ways.

References

  1. Arnett, J. J. (2000). Emerging adulthood: A theory of development from the late teens through the twenties. American Psychologist, 55(5), 469–480. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.5.469
  2. Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL). (2020). CASEL’s SEL framework: What are the core competence areas and where are they promoted? CASEL. https://casel.org/what-is-sel/
  3. Tinto, V. (1993). Leaving college: Rethinking the causes and cures of student attrition (2nd ed.). University of Chicago Press.
  4. Twenge, J. M. (2017). iGen: Why today’s super-connected kids are growing up less rebellious, more tolerant, less happy—and completely unprepared for adulthood—and what that means for the rest of us. Atria Books.

Julie Braumberger is the Director of Education at Mind Body Align and is the co-author of the Labyrinth Adventures 32-book series for children and social and emotional learning curriculum. She earned a bachelor’s degree in elementary education from Notre Dame College and is a certified elementary school teacher for grades K-8 licensed by the Ohio Department of Education. Previously, Julie taught elementary age children for over 20 years. She is parent to two college-age children.

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Posted on September 25, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

The Ultimate Birthday Gift and How You Can Give It

My son turns 18 today. I can hardly believe it. I’ve given him this gift for his birthday every year and though he may not recognize it, I know he’s benefitted tremendously. It’s helped me become a more patient, empathetic, and understanding Mom. Check out the ultimate birthday gift…

Why can’t he organize his time better? He knows he needs to study over time not cram it all into one night.

Why does she do her homework and then forget to turn it in?

Why does he want to hang out in the basement so much when he could be out with friends or doing something with us?

What is this sudden fascination with makeup? She’s far too young!

As parents, we get frustrated with our children’s and teen’s behavior and depending upon our parenting attitudes, make conclusions to answer these “why” questions. We know that the way in which we choose to parent brings together a combination of our own upbringing (our original parenting training), our worldview (is it a helpful world? Is it a harsh world?), how we understand and view how to motivate others to action, and how we believe we need to prepare our children today for their future. And in addition, we know that our children and teens view their lives from a widely different vantage than we do. So many of our challenges with our children and teens are related to their development. Our level of frustration can rise without understanding where their awareness level is and what they are focused on learning at each age and stage. How do we know our expectations are reasonable of them in their development? When parents have the opportunity to dream about what they need most in dealing with their children’s challenges, patience is one of the number one responses. So how can we gain patience?

We cannot remember our own authentic perspectives in those earlier stages of life to gain empathy. And even if we could, they would not be relevant since the context — the social and cultural environment in which our children are growing up — is far different than the context we grew up in. That context plays a significant role in how they are learning and growing. Researchers have examined parents’ ability to take the perspective of their child.1 Parents who could predict their children’s thinking and reasoning ability were far better able to match their thinking and advance it through their teaching efforts. Another study found that parents who could accurately identity their child’s thoughts and feelings in a conflict were better equipped to resolve the conflict with both child and adult feeling good about the outcome. And finally, yet another study found that parents who could understand their child’s mental states also were more able to promote a secure attachment, which we know is critical in our child’s developing sense of self and confidence later in life.

So what is the best birthday present we can give to our children? Yes, empathy, understanding, and perspective-taking. A child’s birthday is an ideal time to learn about their perspectives because of the change in age and stage. The steps to building empathy for our children’s perspectives are simple but require our time and focused attention. When we devote this time and attention, we’ll discover that we’ll extend our patience because we can see daily situations even frustrations from their perspective.

Let’s take a look at some simple ways we can give this valuable present to our children.

  1. Set an intention. You can do this on your own or if you are fortunate enough to have a partner in parenting, then it’s ideal to establish an intention together. Intention statements aim your focus in a particular direction. Write down your intention and post it in a place that will help remind you (instead a kitchen cabinet?). “We are going to take steps to observe and learn about our child’s perspectives at their age/stage.” You are far more likely to achieve any goals you set if you create an intention.
  2. Read! If you have fifteen minutes, read these age-specific summaries from the American Academic of Pediatrics at healthychildren.org. They review what your child is learning physically, linguistically, socially,  cognitively, and emotionally, all of which are important to understand. If you would like a book or two on the topic to get at the ready, here are a few we recommend:
    1. Ages and Stages; A Parent’s Guide to Normal Childhood Development by Charles E. Schaefer, PhD. and Theresa Foy DiGeronimo (Birth to Age 10)
    2. Healthy Development and Well-Child Support Chart by the American Academy of Pediatrics (Birth through Adolescence)
    3. The Whole-Brain Child; 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD. – Take a particular look at the whole brain strategies for supporting development by age and stage on pgs. 154-168.
    4. Confident Parents, Confident Kids – We can’t leave this out! This book offers an age by stage guide (by age range) of children’s and teen’s social and emotional development and ways we, as parents, can be supportive.

3. Observe and listen. Now that you have some research-backed information on your child’s specific developmental milestones they are working on, observe them. What do you notice that aligns with what you’ve read? How does it show up in your daily life? Listen to their thoughts and feelings. How does it reflect the awareness level you’ve come to understand they likely have at this age/stage? How are they seeing their world? Consider the challenges you’ve had with them. How does their perspective shape or influence these challenges? How can you view them through their age/stage lens?

4. Journal and reflect. Write down your observations. Include quotes and notes on feelings you observe and the situations they are in that helped create those feelings. These may become precious to you someday as you save them and look back. But for today, they will begin to formulate a picture of empathy and understanding.

5. Share. Share your observations with all family members. Invite their insights. Your child is never too young to learn about their own process of development. By the way, perhaps this may generate some curiosity in your own adult development. We never stop developing even though in our emerging adult years after school has ended, the world attempts to convince us we are finished with our learning and awareness raising. If your curiosity is peaked, check out the Harvard Study of Adult Development.

6. Ritualize. Make this an annual event. Allow your child’s birthday to remind you that it’s also a time to learn about where they are in their development. Go through these simple stages again and feel more prepared to meet any new challenges with a strong dose of empathy and understanding!

Imagine how your life might have been altered had your parents done this for you at each birthday milestone. Your understanding of your child’s perspectives will help them feel a sense of safety, trust and value. And in your role as a parent, you will begin to feel a greater sense of competence as you meet challenges feeling informed about where your child’s is in their learning and growth. Mark your calendar now to give your child or teen the best birthday present you can possibly give! 

Happy Birthday to E today who was the inspiration for this blog and work in the first place!

Reference:

Grusec, J.E. (2006). Parents’ Attitudes and Beliefs: Their Impact on Children’s Development. Encyclopedia on Early Childhood Development. Toronto, CA: University of Toronto.

Adapted from originally published April 3, 2025.

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