We’ve received the first few phone call reports from our son’s start in college. The word “love” was used more times than I can count. I miss him daily but this transition has been made far easier knowing that he is in the very place where he’ll get the most learning and growth opportunities at this point in his life. He did mention that he notices some who are not having a good experience. He relayed, “it’s only people who choose not to leave their rooms or instead of hanging out, they go home on the weekends.” Risk-taking is a necessary part of the start of school year no matter what grade or level your child or teen is going into. When all things are new — teachers, classes, environments, classmates — there will be discomfort.

Discomfort, in some circumstances, is a key signal we need to heed. It means to stop, back away, and avoid that which is creating the discomfort. Our bodies, minds, and hearts seek balance and anything that disturbs that balance can leave us seeking an escape. If someone we never met is approaching us and trying to engage in conversation aggressively, the discomfort we feel is helpful. Moving away keeps us safe. But in the case of a new school year, discomfort is normal, expected, and important. Avoiding the necessary discomforts of getting to know classmates, meeting and talking with a new teacher, or finding a seat with others in the lunchroom can not only get students off to a slow start but also, they’ll miss the chance to weather the discomfort storm of new beginnings while everyone is in it together. 

If we, as adults, struggle to move into and through discomfort, our teens certainly do and likely more so. They also may not see the benefits in engaging in discomfort. In fact, discomfort in the teen years can seem at an all time high in your child’s life. They are uncomfortable when:

• you are seen at school or near their friends. 
• in finding new friends or moving from their current group to another. 
• In initiating a conversation with their crush. 
• getting called on in the classroom. 

Truly, the list could go on! 

Several developmental themes of the teen years make this time particularly ripe for experiencing intensity with discomfort. Our teen’s are more socially aware than ever before. Along with that social awareness comes social anxiety. “Why does she keep looking at me like I’m a mutant?” your teen might think as a classmate’s glance merely indicates that they too are uncomfortable. A wider, more complex range of emotions starting in the middle school years with the brain reconstruction taking place creates stormier, darker emotions. Feelings of jealousy may arise as your teen views a classmate who seems to have the ultimate life on social media. Feelings of disgust may arise as a younger brother eagerly attempts to hang out with his older brother at school. Add to these developmental themes that they have a distraction and escape tool at the ready — their phones — and it’s not hard for them to avoid interaction.

As we coach our teens in those precious moments when they open their mind and heart to us, we can help them become more self compassionate. We can assure them of the following important messages:

1. Discomfort is normal and necessary. 
2. New beginnings require discomfort.
3. That feeling doesn’t always signal to move away but in this case, it signals move toward.
4. The uncomfortable feelings are temporary, won’t kill you, and won’t last forever. 
5. Pushing into discomfort will pay off for them in these opening weeks of school.
6. Considering that others are feeling discomfort — and showing care for them — can lessen our own.

These are the moments to take risks to meet new people, to sign up for new activities, to push past internal resistance to stay home and comfortable. An easy way to help a teen build their confidence in leaning into discomfort is to recall together stories in the past in which they took a risk to meet someone new and discovered a favorite teacher or dear friend was their reward for persistence.

Back to School Grumpiness?

Because this is an uncomfortable time, parents can encounter grumpiness at home — as teens are using all of their self control and will power to manage their discomfort during the school day. In your safe home environment, they can exhale and let it all go. So take heart, dear parent, that the grumpiness is a normal part of their discomfort making us uncomfortable! Yes, there’s plenty to go around! But it is time-limited. 

Our empathy and embracing of the messiness of this time of transition and change can offer the support needed for all family members to feel valued and understood.

Speaking of teens… we have so much goodness planned for this Fall around parenting teens with courage. They’ll be podcast interviews, media, articles, reels, and more yet to come. Most importantly, they’ll be a dialogue to support all of us who are doing the important work of raising teens to build their own confidence and courage. Meanwhile, the new book, Humanaissance: Igniting Courage in Our Teens and Ourselves is on pre-order and my best work yet! Check it out…