Extra late nights studying and writing papers have become a nightly gig for our high school student as extracurriculars fill after school time. For us, work deadlines loom, meetings are stacked up before break, and the daily list of gift buying, wrapping, decorating, and generally preparing for the holidays ahead keep all of us on hyperdrive in December. During a meeting at my son’s school today, I heard just how many people were home sick – a lot! Staff were talking about family coming in to town soon and how much they had to finish up before any celebrating could begin. It’s crunch time and it can wear us down even before we make it to the festivities.

When my son was in second grade in this time leading up to winter break, I recall he burst into tears as his friends waited at our door to play. He had fallen up our stairs and gashed his shin on the metal rims of the hall steps. I plopped on the floor to comfort him and as he turned to me, he said, “Mom, you told me to hurry.” And it stopped me in my tracks. Why? Why did he need to hurry? In my mind, I had a million tasks to accomplish including facilitating his tasks – homework, dinner, and holiday preparations. I had thought it could be good for him to get outside and run around with his pals for a short time. But I was pressuring him to hurry up and why? Quick, go examine bugs under the rocks?! As he ran out and the door shut, I noticed the quiet in our house and really stopped for the first time. What was I doing?

With the holiday season upon us – no matter what holiday you are celebrating – you may be feeling similarly – fully in the throes of too much to do with too little time. And the knot in your tummy may be growing as mine has been. In a time when I want to produce joy for my family, I realize I am a lesser version of what I can be because of stress. I know I will get to this stressed-out place well before the holidays happen. And somehow I feel powerless to stop it. There’s still work to get accomplished before taking time off. There’s still the same amount of presents to buy for others (and actually, more as E’s friends and connections grow). There’s still cookies to bake, decorations to hang, and packages to send.

And so I write this post to help myself as much as you think about and deal with the situation we find ourselves in. In the very midst of the chaos, how can we keep our calm center? And how can we recall that our state of mind and being will impact the way others experience our celebrations together? Our stress will show. And whether we like or not, it’s contagious. It spreads like a virus and others get snappy and agitated – not conducive attitudes for cooperation more less jubilation.

Whether you are celebrating Hanukkah, Christmas, or Kwanzaa, all of the major holidays this season celebrate light in the darkness. And that’s the gift I most want to give my family and the one I think they will appreciate beyond the “stuff.” Yes, I’ll bring gifts. But more importantly, I am setting an intention to prepare myself for the experience of celebrating with family and friends. I plan to deck our halls with a feeling of peace and joy and appreciation for our abundance. And I know that has to begin with me. Here are a few things I plan to do that, maybe, you’ll consider for yourself.

Engage in deep breathing each day. I was in the habit of taking ten deep breaths before I launched into work each morning but my routine fell away as the season crowded my moments. So I plan to return to this practice to set a tone for my day.

You might also consider: How can I include moments of pause or quiet with my children to help them feel that sense of calm?

Get exercise and fresh air. The routine of breathing outside and getting to the gym could easily also fall away with the season. But I know these are the activities that keep me centered, focused and feeling resilient. So I plan to make special arrangements while my son is home over the extended break so that I am sure to keep my routines sacred for the benefit of my whole family. We have a new bird feeder and we enjoy watching the birds and squirrels gather around it. This year, I’m involving family members in topping it off when it gets low, just one way we all get outside a little.

You might consider: How can we as a family get outside and breathe the fresh air together?

Mentally prepare before events. My sparkling outfit is not as important as the demeanor, the tone, or the mood I bring to any celebration. Whether it’s in my own home, at a friend’s house, or in a restaurant, the way I engage with others matters greatly. It can mean the difference between really connecting or “phoning it in” without true interchange. There may be individuals that you celebrate with only one time a year. This is that moment, that unique opportunity to bring your focused attention to them. I will set my own intention to focus on the present before I go so that when I arrive, I am ready to fully engage with whoever comes my way. I’ll stop and take a pause before leaving the house or answering the doorbell. This small step can have a ripple effect on my own and my family’s experience of the holidays. I know this will set an example and tone for my child. I notice when I’m stressed, he’s stressed. But when I’m calm and engaging with others, he does the same.

You might consider: How can we as a family take a pause before going to our social gatherings this season?

Set goals for connection. When you go to a party, you likely anticipate who you’ll see. Sometimes that anticipation creates anxiety if you’ve had challenges with individuals in the past or if those individuals view you in ways that you do not view yourself. Those interactions can be opportunities for your own growth in social and emotional competence. Instead of dreading those who challenge you, ask yourself three important questions.

• What can I learn from this individual who challenges me?
• How can I begin to understand their perspective and feel compassion for them?
• How do I want to show up in that conversation?

I know that if I model curiosity and compassion, that will have a direct impact on how my child interacts with others. I want to leave a party feeling like I know more about the individuals that I met than I did when walking into the room. And what if I also learned more about myself by attempting to relinquish worries about what I’m saying and what messages I’m communicating about my life but focus on learning about others, finding common ground and sharing my ability to be empathetic and show care?

You might also consider: how can I coach my child when they are struggling with social anxieties to discover what they are learning about themselves and others?

Insert mindfulness rituals into your gatherings. We are so looking forward to a quiet evening with dear friends to share in a quiet sacred ritual of burning evergreens in a home fire to recognize the passing from light to darkness on the shortest day of the year, the winter solstice. We include a guided meditation/visualization that children and teens can join in on and reflective journaling to prompt reflections too. Consider how you might include your own mindfulness practices into your celebrations. Perhaps it’s reading aloud a passage or a poem you are inspired by? Or maybe you take time as a family to take three deep breaths before eating a meal? You don’t have to fit in your own stress management strategies around the edges of the holiday. Find ways to include it and it will assist all members in being focused and present with one another.

Consider: How can I include a simple mindful ritual into our family traditions?

Say “no” when it’s too much. Instead of cramming each activity into every space of time in the few weeks left in the year, consider what might be too much. Have you accounted for quiet rest time? Have you considered how the pace will impact family members? We rarely plan our schedules for our mental well-being but particularly in this season of over-commitment, it can be worth asking, “What do we really want or need to do?” “When can we get in rest time?” and “Are there plans we need to say “no” to?

You might consider: Our children will struggle with saying no since they are often the receivers of plans, not the designers. How can you lead careful reflections of your child’s activities with your child (or as a family) and together decide what’s reasonable and what is too much?

Express gratitude daily. The holiday season is a time of high contrasts – tremendous sorrow missing loved ones that have passed on or reflecting upon our tough circumstances and then, also feeling the magic, imagination, and sheer bliss of children’s experience of the traditions surrounding the holidays. It’s an emotional time. So it requires us to become more planful about our big emotions. One way to balance out our adult angst is to express gratitude with our children daily. Whether you mention your gratitude over breakfast, during the ride home from school or at bedtime, kids will benefit by actively appreciating all that they have. And you will benefit by recognizing the goodness in your life. It will assist you as you set a tone with your family.

Consider: Do you have a specific time daily when you are with your family that you could express gratitude together?

Carving out time and space for your mental well-being may seem like another “to do” to add to the list. But consider the fact that paying attention to the tone of your family and setting an example will give you energy and motivation as you gently experience your days. The gift of your attention certainly is one of the most important for your children and indeed, your whole family. Consider how you might deck your halls with psychological well-being this season!

Happy holidays!