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Posted on February 3, 2015 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Elements of a Confident Kid…Alliance Building

: a union between people, groups or countries: a relationship in which people agree to work together.1

There will be numerous opportunities throughout a child’s academic years to practice engaging in an alliance. Individuals need not agree on interests or even like each other to form one. Alliances are often temporary and formed with a shared goal in mind. Maybe a group of students are assigned to work with one another to build a simple machine. The group comes together for that purpose and then, when the project is completed, may not work together again. Or some alliances can span years such as with a cohort in an intervention pull-out program that serves as a critical support throughout the elementary school years. At the cornerstone of a successful alliance is collaboration.

Because throughout a lifetime, there will be a host of times when an alliance is necessary to achieve a goal, it’s worth exploring its attributes. At core, an alliance presents a child or an adult with some of the greatest challenges to his or her social and emotional intelligence. It requires the individual to be open-minded, willing to negotiate, effective at both listening and communicating, able to check biases and appreciate diversity and participate in collaborative problem-solving.

The handbook, Collaboration; What Makes It Work (2nd Ed.)2 claims there are twenty factors that research confirms contribute to the success of a collaboration. Though these relate to more formalized community collaborations, many of the factors in the areas of environment, memberships characteristics, process and structure, communication, purpose and resources can be applied to smaller, more informal alliances. These success factors are:

the history of the collaboration in the community
whether the group is seen as a legitimate leader in its community
favorable political and social climate
mutual respect, understanding and trust
appropriate cross section of members representative of key stakeholders
members see collaboration as their own self-interest
ability to compromise
members sharing a stake in both process and outcome
multiple layers of participation
flexibility
development of clear roles and policy guidelines
adaptability
appropriate pace of development
open and frequent communication
established informal relationships and communication links
concrete, attainable goals and objectives
shared vision
unique purpose
sufficient funds, staff, material and time
skilled leadership

So how does a parent promote successful collaboration and the ability to participate in an alliance?
Often we, as parents, have to diagnose the root cause of problems when our child comes home from school upset about a group in which he is participating. When a child becomes part of an alliance, listen for challenges and provide coaching. Consider the following questions and see if they help you become a better coach for your child.

1. Is your child struggling with self-awareness? Does your child have a sense of his own role in the group, both his strengths and limitations? If you directly point them out, you may be met with with a defensive response. Instead ask good questions about his role. His responses will help you better understand the circumstances and may shed some light for him on how he is showing up in the group. Some examples might be:
– What is your role in the group?
– How do you feel about your role in the group?
– How do you plan to contribute?
– How does that particular contribution relate to the overall goal for the group?
– Where do you feel your best skills, talents and interests lie related to the goal?
– Are there other ways you could contribute that use those talents and interests?

2. Is your child struggling with self-management? Self-control in a group setting can be tough when there are competing desires for contribution. “I want to be the one who gets to stand up and read for the group!” asserts one child. “Why do you get to?” asks another. Suspending his own impulses and thinking about what might be his own best role to move the group forward can be difficult. Ask some questions in this area to both better understand the group dynamics and also help your child see some alternatives.
– How is the group struggling?
– Who is involved and what roles do they play?
– What is the ultimate goal for the group?
– What are the strengths of each member?
– Does each member have a clear role? If not, how could you each define your role?
– What are some other ways to deal with competing desires and roles so that everyone gets a chance to do something important to contribute?

3. Is your child struggling with social awareness? It’s easy to get stuck in your own perspective if a group is taking sides. Help your child step out of that limited thinking by asking some of the following questions.
– What is the purpose of your group?
– What are the strengths of each of your teammates?
– What are challenges or limitations of your teammates? How can you best understand how those individuals feel about those limitations?
– If each person in the alliance must play a significant role in contributing to reaching your goal, how can each member contribute at least one of their strengths?

4. Is your child struggling with relationship skills? Alliances will certainly put communication skills to the test. Whether its listening effectively and with empathy or adding to the conversation in ways that are not offensive or blaming, it can be a real challenge to work as a team with those who have differing perspectives. Adults in the workplace have great challenges with this so children on teams have a significant opportunity to learn this skill in safe, low risk conditions. Try out some of these questions when you sense your child is challenged by relationship skills.
– Who are you struggling with?
– Why and how do they make you feel?
– What are their contributions to the team? If they are not currently contributing, what do they have the potential to contribute?
– How could you help them feel accepted and important to the team?
– How could you encourage them to make a contribution?

5. Is your child struggling with responsible decision making? Alliances often will have to make multiple decisions if they are attempting to achieve a goal working together. Perhaps, there are struggles with who gets to make the decisions or how they are made. Whether an individual is making a decision or a team is, there are numerous questions that will benefit the decision-makers to consider first before acting. It helps to consider other similar decisions that have already been made and the consequences of those actions to learn from others.
– The second graders built a simple machine as a team last year. What choices did
they make?
– What happened as a result of their choices?
– How did those choices affect the team?
– Was there any lasting impact on the project or on its team members?
– What can your team learn from their experiences?

Often, as parents, we hear secondhand about the challenges our children may have in the neighborhood with friends or with a group of students at school. We are placed in a position of limited knowledge since we were not a part of the situation. Asking kids good questions can not only lead to our better understanding but can also lead children to their own solutions for working together more effectively.

References

Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary. Retrieved on 2-3-15 from
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/alliance.

Mattessich, P.W., Murray-Close, and M., Monsey, B.R. (2001). Collaboration: What Makes It Work (2nd Ed.) Saint Paul, MN: Fieldstone Alliance.

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Posted on January 29, 2015 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Trust, Teens and Technology

Confident Parents, Confident Kids is delighted to publish a guest writer this week. Amy Williams is a journalist and former social worker, specializing in teen behavioral health. We live in a digital age and Amy believes that it’s time for parents and educators to let this truth impact the way we raise our children and teach our students. Having spent several years working one-on-one with teenagers, she has seen the impact that social media and the internet has had on their minds and emotions. Amy is passionate about this subject and works to inform and motivate others through her writing.

Trusting Teens with Technology
by Amy Williams

How can parents best create family rules without enticing teens to break them? According to the PEW Research Internet Project, it is estimated that 68% of parents claim to have incorporated rules about the types of internet sites their teens are allowed to visit. Most also have guidelines regarding what personal information gets shared online. Games are monitored as well with 67% of parents restricting what kinds of video games are or are not allowed to be played.

These numbers demonstrate that almost two-thirds of the parents surveyed believe that teens need structure and guidance when it comes to technology. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean that teens will obey or follow these rules. A teen’s development naturally leads them to question their parents as they seek to find their identity. This pushes parents to an agonizing junction in their relationship with a teen. Technology can either hinder or enrich this process. One solution many guardians seek is to actively monitor their child’s technology use. This, in turn, raises the controversial and ethical topic of whether or not it’s okay to spy on a child.

Spying versus monitoring

Spying is often done behind closed doors and is secretive. This method banishes any sense of privacy and shoves a wedge between parents and teens, because it is based on a lack of trust. Family bonds might begin to crumble as teens struggle with developing anonymity. Rebellion and anger are often the result of spying- leading to a complete breakdown of communication.

Monitoring, however, refers to watching your children’s online activity without the covert aspect. Whether utilizing technology or just manually watching what they’re doing, this is not just a way of keeping track of your children, but oftentimes a necessity in light of the wide range of freedom offered by the internet. In almost all cases, it’s best to be up front with your teen about monitoring. Your oversight is a safety measure that allows teens to engage independently with technology. They are able to prove their responsibility and gain valuable experiences while maintaining privacy. It serves as merely a preventive technique for protection against predators and cyberbullies.

Monitoring provides lessons in communication for teens and offers parents a chance to connect with their children. The ideal way to monitor technology involves parents actively and openly communicating with their teens. This method requires a lot of dialogue, intentional interactions and proactive education.

What about privacy?

Unfortunately, the Internet is anything but private. Over the past few months, security breaches and hackers have taken away that illusion. It doesn’t matter what sites we visit, how strong our passwords are or if we create fake names- somewhere that information is stored eternally. People need to realize that online privacy is a myth and doesn’t really exist. Tell teens – there is no privacy.

Promoting trust

We know the job of a parent can be complex. Parents are often required to maneuver between caregiver, coach, disciplinarian and friend. But setting boundaries, maintaining a dialogue and offering independence can generate trust and a positive technology experiences for teens.

Listed below are some ideas to construct the ideal balance with technology and build a trusting relationship:

Be honest with your teen about the seriousness of online interactions. Teens are capable of understanding the consequences of their actions. Arm them with information about cyberbullies, sexting, predators and other concerns.

Tell them upfront you will be monitoring their activity, especially if you suspect a problem.

Together create guidelines for expectations and consequences of technology use. See CPCK’s Smart Home Media Use for a sample family media agreement.

Understand the person your child is becoming. Be involved. Know their friends, interests, concerns and activities. Make a special effort to listen without judgment to encourage your relationship.

Offer alternative activities and ways to communicate. Encourage social activities, family time and creative outlets.

Start young and teach social media etiquette. Children need to know what is and isn’t acceptable. How can they be safe online if they have never been taught?

Model appropriate technology use yourself. Parents are the first role models and teachers. Your children are watching you.

Ask questions about what they are doing online. Take an active interest and ask them about a new app or why they are giggling. Chances are it is only a silly Vine or YouTube video, but it will allow you a glimpse into their technology use.

“Friend” or follow your child on his favorite apps. This will allow you to text, message, or interact with each other online. As an added bonus, you will be able to see his or her other friends and interactions.

Allow them to be responsible for their devices. Use technology to teach life lessons. Your teen needs to handle his privilege with responsibility. If he cracks the screen, he should replace it. If he forgets to charge his laptop, it’s his job to tell teachers and accept the consequences.

And finally remember, everyone makes mistakes. There will be a slip up here and there.
Along the journey to adulthood, it is tempting to break a few rules now and then. A teen’s brain is still developing and the area that regulates sound judgment is the last lobe to mature. This opens children up for poor choices and hasty decisions, which can be documented forever with technology. It is a parent’s responsibility to guide children about handling technology appropriately while maintaining their trust.

For an outstanding read on the teenage brain, check out:
Siegal, D.J. (2013). Brainstorm; The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain. NY: Jeremy P. Tarcher/Penguin Group.

For another article by Amy Williams, check out:

Digital Age Bullying and Prevention on Edutopia, The George Lucas Foundation’s Education site

Amy Williams lives in Los Angeles, California with her two teenage sons.

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Posted on January 27, 2015 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Planning for Snow Day Success

When it snows, you have two choices: shovel or make snow angels.

– Author Unknown

School is closed due to weather conditions. Now what? As a kid, I was jumping for joy. I seem to have a singular moment when I look out at the beauty of a white winter and want to share that feeling of elation with my child over a snow day. But as a parent, often the burden of responsibility overtakes me. I feel disappointed (“But I had deadlines to meet.”), worried (“What am I going to do with E all day?”) and anxious (“I am going to get so far behind. How will I make up the time?”) Whether you are a working parent or a stay-at-home parent, that morning announcement of school closing dramatically changes the day ahead. I found myself with that very dilemma yesterday and as snow storms continue to rage, may be faced with it again soon. So how do we change gears quickly and make the most of the time at home with children? I am sharing my ideas and would love to hear yours as well for making the day enjoyable for all involved.

Since one activity probably will not get you through the day with children who may need multiple and varied activities to keep them busy, I’ve put together our home-tested ideas that might just contribute to your success.

Create a World. It’s amazing how toys that were new during the holiday season now seem not as interesting. Novelty can be created on a snow day to keep children engaged in imaginative play. Think about your child’s current and past passions. For us, this could involve Star Wars, cars, trains or animals. For friends of ours, it would more likely involve fairies, princesses and puppies. Involve your children in creating a world for the toys. We used our toy cars along with construction paper, tape, scissors and used paper towel rolls to build the town of Radiator Springs from the movie, Cars. We’ve made a jungle with animals and built an ocean with a beach out of similar materials. Yesterday we brought out old train tracks long packed away in a storage bin. E was completely entranced with building a train track system, revisiting an old passion. You might create a fairy treehouse out of paper and crayons. My child tends to not be interested in arts and crafts. However this kind of project will involve him for at least a good hour, often more. Get your child started with supplies and the first parts of their imaginative world and see if they don’t take over and create on their own. If you have mulitples, are there common or shared interests? The beach was created cooperatively with three children who were interested in different aspects of the ocean – one in mermaids, another in sharks and yet another in shells. With this engaging project, you may even get a little time in for yourself while they are building.

Move! Kids are going to need some physical movement during the day to get the wiggles out of them. Instead of allowing those wiggles to evolve into play that can be destructive to household items, plan for a time to move. For example, you could create a dance party. Let them select their favorite music and perhaps add instruments to the mix. Or you may want to make a bath and have your child practice kicking and floating in the water. If the temperature is not too low to be outside, bundle up and get serious about making snow angels, building a snowman or fort or sledding down a hill. If you plan for time to move, those potentially annoying wiggles will be directed into joyful and appropriate play.

Adult Time, Kid Quiet Time. Set expectations for all at the very beginning of the day that after lunch (or whenever it best works for you), there will be a quiet time for a designated period. Let kids know what they are permitted to do — watch a program, read, listen to quiet music, do puzzles. Whatever they choose, it can be quiet and on their own while you have some adult time. Get in a portion of the work you are missing so that you do not end the day frustrated by a lack of progress. Bask in the solace of some quiet time. If clear boundaries are set, children can also appreciate this time for calmer activities.

Contribute. Involve kids in one activity that contributes, however small, to your household. It could mean the creation of a “Welcome home from work, Dad!” banner. You could bake cookies or bread together allowing kids to measure and add ingredients. You could pick a room to clean up or organize together. Do a load of laundry. Or simply work on getting dishes washed and dried as a parent-child team. Children have a greater sense of gratitude for their home and their family lives when they are involved in contributing to them. If you can find a way to accomplish a goal on your list and involve your children in contribution, so much the better!

Simmer down. After all of these activities, you and your children may be ready to simmer down. Getting them back into your typical dinner and bedtime routine on a school night will help them mentally prepare for the end of the day and the return to school the following morning.

If you think in advance about an agenda for a snow day, you may find that instead of entering the day with dread or worry, you enter with hopes for a positive experience with your children. Relax and know that there are activities that will engage them and balance their high energy with needs for calmer, relaxing time. If you have other plans for snow day success, I hope you will share them so that we all can learn and expand our repertoire! Here’s to finding joy in the snow days to come!

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Posted on January 22, 2015 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

The Opportunity of Bedtime, Part Two — Troubleshooting Bedtime Challenges

This week two readers share their challenges with bedtime. Perhaps these problems are similar to yours? One feels the bedtime routine stretches longer and longer while she is tired and wants to move through it more quickly. The other receives calls after the “Good nights” have been said. Fears of the dark, a desperate thirst and most likely, a need for further attention keep her jumping up and down, returning to her daughter’s bedroom when she’s trying to have her own time at the end of a long day. Read on and see if some of the responses might assist you as you try to create a bedtime routine that is a positive experience for the whole family.

Our biggest challenge with bedtime is how long it takes! Although we have a set routine, it is a drawn out process that I am looking forward to streamlining as the kids get older. Admittedly, I realize this process is of our own doing, but it has also become an important part of the day; it is an opportunity to connect with the kids in a way that is different from other times. So, I am of two minds about the bedtime routine right now: I want to enjoy this time to read and snuggle while they are young, but I also have a hard time accepting how much time it eats up of our evenings.

– Kimberly

I love hearing about your bedtime! It sounds like you have a lot of goodness established with that time of day – a predictable routine in which kids connect with parents and read together. But it also sounds like your energy and motivation is spent by the end of the day. I feel the same! Here are a few suggestions for helping speed up what can be a long process.

Discuss bedtime activities at another time. When cooperatively designing your bedtime routine, guide kids to place the “business” of bedtime first (put on pajamas, brush teeth, wash face). Save the best parts (the parts they enjoy) like snuggling and stories for last so there is some incentive to move through the tasks of the evening quickly to get to the good stuff.

Offer one limited choice. Since you are trying to reduce the time spent on bedtime, you likely don’t want to offer a lot of choices. Choices require more time. But one choice (which pajamas to wear, which book to read with limited options) can help children feel a sense of control over bedtime and feel ownership for the contribution to that time of day. They also will be less likely to engage in a power struggle.

Use a timer and make it a game. If you struggle with children taking a long time to put on pajamas or you need them to do a more thorough job with brushing their teeth, consider using a sand timer (one minute timer). These can be turned around and controlled by children who will feel more ownership. The timer turns the task into an enjoyable game instead of Mom repeatedly reminding or nagging.

Do a dry run. If your child tends to enjoy performing, act out the bedtime play some dreary Saturday when you are home with no plans. Set clear goals for the theatrical production about your behavioral expectations and how this is a new and improved version of bedtime.

Conduct a teaching bedtime experience. Enlist an older sibling to help teach a younger sibling how to move through the routine smoothly. Or enlist all children to teach a stuffed friend or doll how to go about the bedtime routine. If you do this during a regular bedtime, attempt it on a weekend and plan for a longer bedtime that night. Make it fun and celebratory. Use it to remind and reinforce positive behaviors on future nights.

Be direct, brief and remind once. Avoid nagging and repeating directions over and over. If you do nag, children begin to expect it and it can escalate the procrastination. If you’ve developed the routine together, remind them in a brief statement about their next move, set the timer and go about your own next step. Show that each person is responsible for taking care of his own business.

Take a night off. I realize for some this just may not be possible. If you are a single parent or juggling multiple children, you may feel you need to be “on” every night. However if you plan one night a week in which one parent takes the full burden and the other takes off and then you trade on another night, it can give you added fuel for the rest of the week. Older siblings can also be enlisted to help out with younger siblings on those nights. Talk about it again in advance with all members. “What are the ways you can you help your sister with bedtime on the nights when it’s just the three of us?”

________________________

Our challenge is the kids calling us after we’ve already said goodnight. They need a glass of water or they are scared of the dark. It seems there is any excuse to get us back in the room talking to them.

– Monica

Just when you think you are finished for the day, you hear “Moooom!” See if the following suggestions might help you create the time you need for yourself after you say “Good night.”

Be brief, boring and consistent. Make it clear that after you say good night, that’s the end of the snuggles and enjoyable interactions. Certainly responding to needs is important but make it quick and all about the business. Keep lights down or out as possible. Whisper and say as little as you possibly can. The message is, “We are finished for the evening but I’ll quickly get you what you need to get to sleep.” The child’s goal at this time is to get attention. After your consistent lack of attention (but brief, boring responsiveness), they will get the point.

If children are scared, examine corners and assign a lookout. Children are often afraid of being left alone in the dark. Their imaginations which serve them well during the day can create all kinds of unwanted creatures in their rooms at night. If you anticipate this is going to be an issue, make it part of your routine to inspect all corners, closets and under the bed. When E was really young, he was convinced there were monsters so we would talk to the monsters every night before we went upstairs and promptly escort them out of the front door and lock the door behind so he knew we had taken care of the problem. You can also assign a stuffed friend to be a lookout and send any monsters away while your child is sleeping. The more ceremonial you can be with this, the more convincing the role of the animal will be for the child. You might consider presenting a medal of honor for the teddy bear or a special hat to wear while he’s on night duty.

Bedtime can provide a magical way to connect with children. It can also be a time when parents are tired, patience may be limited and children are louder and wigglier trying to keep the fun going. But with consistency and a cooperatively designed routine, you can get through the tasks smoothly and focus on the parts that really connect you to one another.

For a related article, check out The Opportunity of Bedtime, Part One.

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Posted on January 20, 2015 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Elements of a Confident Kid…Managing Emotions

About Managing Emotions:

What happens when one family member loses his or her temper or anxiety overwhelms him? How does he or she deal with it? How does it impact those around them? Fear, anxiety and anger consume us at varying intervals. For some, it may be daily. Others may go months without the feeling that they are losing control. But whether it’s a regular occurrence or not, it happens to us all. Parents of confident kids prepare them with a plan for how they can respond to constructively express their emotions, calm down and do no harm in the process. Most adults need practice in managing their emotions so certainly children need guidance in this area. And fortunately, there are numerous ways you can help children learn to manage their emotions.

This ability to self-regulate has been shown to be a powerful skill that not only impacts a family’s sense of well-being but has a direct impact on academic performance and the achievement of goals later in life. To learn more about the importance of self-regulation, check out this recent video from PBS.

Promoting Emotions Management:

Model
Since modeling is one of the top ways children learn social and emotional behaviors at home, how can you model constructively managing your own emotions?

1. Make a plan. Decide on how you can deal with your anger in ways that won’t harm others and will help you a.) get it out and b.) calm down. My plan, for example, is to say “Mommy needs five minutes.” I walk to my favorite chair in my bedroom. I have a journal and pen secured near in case writing helps. I sit and breathe. After calming down a bit, if I am angry about something my son did, I think “What would be the logical consequence for his behavior?” I make a plan before I leave my chair so that I am ready when I return.

2. Communicate your plan. Prepare your family for what you are going to do in advance. Pick a time when you are all together and not upset. Let them know your plan for the next time you are angry.

3. Practice and remind. If you communicate your plan but don’t do it, consider planting a reminder somewhere for yourself. Do you need a note on the refrigerator? What will help you remember to remove yourself from the situation when feeling overwhelmed? Make the reminder a part of your plan.

Just these steps you take to model the constructive managing of emotions can provide the best teaching possible for your children. They will watch, observe and be able to replicate what you are doing. What a powerful gift of resilience that will keep on giving throughout their lives when they come upon circumstances and feelings that threaten to take them over?

Coach
You can provide coaching to your child to help them communicate what they are feeling and manage it in a constructive way. Use feeling words often to make it a common part of your family language. “You seem disappointed. Did something happen at school today?” We often need to consciously use feeling language since it is not a habit for most of us. Often children without a strong feelings vocabulary grow increasingly more frustrated when upset because of their inability to adequately communicate what they are feeling (this is true throughout childhood not just with young children). Ask whether your read on their emotions is correct and you will begin to expand your child’s ability to effectively communicate her feelings. The University of California Children’s Center offers a list of feeling words for children. Post this page in a place where both you and your child can access and refer to it.

Practice
How can your child express her anger verbally in a way that is acceptable to you and other family members? Or perhaps, your child is more physical and less verbal. How can he express himself physically when he is angry? Could she roar like a lion? Could he pound on pillows? Finding a comfortable and natural expression for each child and practicing it with them will prepare them for those overwhelming moments. When they are taken over by anger, you can remind them, “Remember your roar?’ They can express themselves without causing hurt or harm.

Create a Safe, Caring Environment
Work on setting up a safe space for your child’s cool down. Maybe they are comfortable going to their room or a corner of the basement. In that space, provide comforting supports. Have a pillow or soft blanket there always at the ready. Maybe they would like a stuffed friend, a journal to write in or crayons to color with? Setting up this space with your child will let them know that there is a place where they can cry, be angry and also cool down where they will not be disturbed but will be understood.

Being proactive about how you will manage emotions and prepare your child for managing her emotions can create a safer, more caring family environment. Members do not have the worry that one may cause harm because all have agreed upon a plan. The benefits of cultivating the skill of self-regulation extend far beyond the comfort of today into a growthful pattern for your child’s future.

For related articles, check out:

Cooling the Fire

The Mask of Anger

A Better Version of Yourself

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Posted on January 19, 2015 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Simple Ways to Honor the Value of Service and Martin Luther King, Jr.

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Posted on January 15, 2015 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

The Opportunity of Bedtime, Part One

“One of my happy thoughts was having peace and quiet in the house today to work,” I said.
“Oh yeah. Mom, could you give me peace and quiet while I am going to sleep? I always hear you doing the dishes in the kitchen and it keeps me up,” said E in earnest. “I’ll try,” I responded.

Two hours after I whispered “Good night.” I walked down the hallway and heard “Momma, I can’t sleep.” Who knows why? It could be thinking too much about worrisome thoughts, not getting enough fresh air or exercise during the day or an intent desire to stay up. Children’s bedtime can present significant challenges to parents. “Why do I have to go to bed?” may be a whine you hear often when it’s time to say goodnight. And perhaps at times you are too tired to fight the bedtime battle. With homework, sports practice and dinner after school, there is not much time for play and relaxation. However research confirms we are not doing ourselves or our children any favors by allowing a later bedtime. A lack of sleep can contribute to poor grades and more challenging behaviors. But how much sleep do children need and what are the consequences if they are not getting enough?

The American Academy of Pediatrics estimates that 15 million American children do not get enough sleep each night. Children at 5 years of age typically require 11.1 hours and 13 year olds require 9. Adolescents may need more sleep requiring 10 hours between the ages of 14-18 years.1 Michael J. Breus, Ph.D. writes for WebMD,

It is not widely recognized and appreciated just how pervasive and critical quality sleep is for brain development and how it directly influences daytime functioning, performance, mood, and behavior.2

A lack of sleep prevents a child from performing well at school. It requires a commitment from your family but getting children to bed on time can be a significant contribution to their ability to learn. One study showed that those students with average to failing grades got about 25 fewer minutes of sleep and went to bed an average of 40 minutes later than above average to high achieving students. Research findings have discovered relationships between a lack of sleep and youth irritability, hyperactivity, depression and lower levels of social skills. If this is the case, then how can you successfully get your child to bed on time each night? The following are some ideas for creating a consistent routine and a conducive environment for sleep.

Routine
Developing a consistent bedtime routine as a family can prevent arguments and negotiations. Not only will it allow for all of the benefits of getting enough sleep, but it also promotes comfort and safety at the end of the day because of its predictability. When tired, children don’t have to consider what has to be done but will know. Here are some suggestions for designing a routine with your family.

1. Discuss the bedtime routine on a weekend afternoon or another time free of pressure when you are not preparing for bed.

2. Design the routine cooperatively. Ask, what tasks do we need to take care of during our bedtime routine? And what are a few ways to make the bedtime routine enjoyable?

3. Formalize the routine by writing it down. Have your child create a bedtime routine poster. Have poster board and crayons or markers ready. Write each step of the routine as briefly as possible but discuss how those steps will take place. Post in a place that can be viewed and referred to during bedtime.

4. Consider current and past challenges. Often children go slowly and bedtime can drag out into a long process. Address this by saying, “How can we get our business taken care of quickly so that we can get to the good stuff (stories or cuddles or other ways of connecting)?” Bring up those challenges while designing your routine and ask, “How can we make it easier to put on pajamas quickly?”

5. Read together. Days are busy and bedtime may be the only time each day that you get a chance to read a book together. Give the child the freedom to pick her book of choice each night. Or for two siblings, perhaps they each get to choose one to read as a family. Reading not only promotes their own abilities and interest in books but also, it connects parents to their children. It opens up the opportunity for dialogue about character’s choices and ways of being. If conflict occurred during the day, all is forgotten while engaging in the power of story together.

6. Reflect on grateful thoughts. In our house, we call these our “happy thoughts.” We share our highlights from the day that we appreciated. We also reflect on ways we appreciate one another. This helps children remember what occurred that day as they process through what made them happy. It promotes a sense of well-being that can allow them a good night’s rest.

7. Remain consistent. Stick with your routine time and plan as much and as often as possible. Even when E has a late night because of an event, he gets upset if we try to skip anything. Some children may just fall asleep on a late night. But for those of us with children who will not sleep until they are put to bed, the routine offers a calming down process that children rely upon in order to go to sleep. Adults have those calming down routines as well – reading, dimming the lights or other preparations. Children just need help in keeping to those routines.

8. Reinforce and remind. Notice when children are moving through the routine efficiently to promote more of the same. “I notice you put your pajamas on quickly tonight. That helps us get to story time faster.” If there are portions of the routine where you know your children are challenged, remind them just before that portion of the evening. “Remember you can set the timer to show you how long to brush your teeth.”

Conducive Environment
There are conditions that make the environment more conducive to sleep. Consider some of the following if your child has difficulty.

1. Dim the lights while you are preparing for bed. It prepares the mind and body for sleep.

2. Keep noises to a minimum. If the volume goes up with your children at bedtime, then make this a part of your routine discussion. Maybe you decide to have fun with only whispers at bedtime? Make a game out of it and see if you can maintain quiet.

3. Use calming scents like lavender essential oil in lotion or warm baths. They can have a lulling effect.

4. Turn off all screens. Research has shown that any electronic device in a bedroom can disrupt sleep and keep individuals awake. Turn off devices or ideally, keep them out of bedrooms. Also if children do watch television in the evening, consider what they are watching and how it may affect their sleep. Monitor to ensure that they are watching programming that will not lead to nightmares later.

5. Choose calming stories. Books with rhymes or rhythmic language can be particularly helpful at bedtime. Though we allow E his choice of books at nighttime, we save scary or high adventure books for the daytime hours when the excitement can be fully experienced.

6. Facilitate calming imagery. Here are two specific ideas:

Guide a relaxation process – If my son has a strong case of the wiggles before bedtime, I have used this exercise to help calm him down. Lie down side by side on the floor or on the child’s bed, backs to the floor. Close your eyes and ask your child to close his as well. Using a gentle voice, ask your child to pretend there is a tennis ball at the base of his feet. Ask him to try and grab the ball with his whole foot including his toes with all his might. Ask him to hold it for a few seconds. Then, let the ball go. Now ask him to pretend the ball is between his ankles. Squeeze the imaginary ball as hard as possible for a few seconds and then, let it go. Try this all the way up the body including at his knees, on his tummy, between his arms and his side, in his hands, at his neck and at the back of his head where it touches the floor. Each time squeeze for a few seconds and then release. This will guide a child to notice each part of his body, focus on that part and send relaxation to that part of the body letting the tension go.

Lead a visualization – When I was small, my Dad used to take me on fantastical journeys to outer space in a spaceship that we created together through his guided visualization. He would tell me to “Buckle your seat belt and get ready for the countdown.” At bedtime now, I guide my son through a visualization of packing his suitcase and teddy bear, boarding his favorite train and riding to the beach to play in the sand and the water. As you guide your child to visualize a scene in his mind’s eye, be sure and describe how the air smells, how the ground feels, what sounds are heard and sensations are felt.

Because bedtime is such an important part of the day for families but also can present parents with a number of challenges, today’s article was part one of a two part series. Next week, I’ll be talking with parents about their specific bedtime challenges and offering suggestions to address them. Combining the strategies of consistency, routines, involving children in contributing to and owning the process and creating an environment that is conducive to sleep can help the end of the day go smoothly for all family members. Try out some of these with your children and notice the significant difference you are making in getting tasks accomplished. You may even find yourself looking forward to the opportunity of genuine connection each bedtime.

References

Smaldone, A., Honig, J.C. & Byrne, M.W. (2007). Sleepless in America: Inadequate Sleep and Relationships to Health and Well-being of Our Nation’s Children. Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics: 119, S29-S37. Retrieved on 1/31/14 at http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/119/Supplement_1/S29.abstract.

Breus, M. (August 6, 2013). Regular bedtimes for children aid development. WebMD Blog. Retrieved on 1-15-14 at http://blogs.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/2013/08/regular-bedtimes-for-children-aid-development.html.

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Posted on January 13, 2015 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Elements of a Confident Kid… Negotiation

– a formal discussion between people who are trying to reach an agreement. 1

About negotiation:

Children begin to develop some of the foundational skills for effective negotiation early. Typically, they are able to articulate a compelling, heart-felt argument as to why they should be the one to receive one more cookie. They are practicing the art of negotiation but fall short when, often, the parent will respond with a definitive “No.” But what if the child were to consider the parent’s perspective? Is the “no” motivated by a desire for a healthier child? Is it motivated by a need to calm down before bedtime by reducing sugar? Your child will need to understand those motivations if he is to have a significant advantage when putting together a heart-felt argument that will be successful. There are indeed a number of skills that need to be developed and practiced in order to engage in a win-win negotiation. These agreements provide both parties with the feeling that their own desires are at least partially met through a mutually agreed upon solution. Confident parents will help kids practice these skills since they are critical to both healthy relationships and the ability to succeed in the work world.

Skilled negotiators must have active listening skills. They need to listen on multiple levels, not only to the words spoken but also to the feelings and desires of the speaker. They should ask questions or paraphrase back to the other their interpretation of the other’s motivations in order to check for accuracy.

In negotiation, such “mind reading” is an important skill: if you think the other side has a desire to be fair, you are likely to be open to sharing information that moves talks forward. By contrast, if you infer that your counterpart doesn’t care about your interests, you may be withholding and distrustful, and your outcomes will suffer as a result. 2

Do your children assume you act fairly? If so, your negotiations practice will begin with that advantage. Harvard Law School also teaches that skilled negotiators have to examine their assumptions. When entering a conversation where each person wants something, we easily slip into “social projection,” assuming that others share our same desires. That thinking can place a negotiator at a significant disadvantage. So how do you leave behind your biases and help children do the same?

Promoting Negotiation Skills:
Practice empathy through perspective taking. The following are Robert Selman’s five stages of perspective-taking3 with my own practical suggestions for how you can support your children’s development through the years.

1. Undifferentiated perspective taking (ages 3-6)
Children have a sense of their own thoughts and feelings and the fact that their actions cause others to react but sometimes may confuse others’ thoughts and feelings with their own.

Easy practice: Look for chances to identify different kinds of emotions when interacting with others. “Look at that woman’s expression in the store. Her face says to me she’s frustrated.” The posters with multiple facial expressions are also great for expanding a feelings vocabulary. Check out this one. My son’s favorite is “lovestruck!”

2. Social-informational perspective taking (ages 5-9)
Children understand that different perspectives may mean that people have access to different information than they have.

Easy practice: When you are reading books with your child, stop when you find a belief, perspective, motivation or course of action that would differ from what your daughter would choose. Talk about the character’s perspective and motivation and its possible origin.

3. Self-reflective perspective taking (ages 7-12)
Children can view others’ perspectives by interpreting others’ thoughts and feelings and recognize that other people can do the same.

Easy practice: Guide an upset children through a conflict situation by asking them, after cooling down, to tell what they are thinking and feeling and then, ask them to interpret what the other person is thinking and feeling.

4. Third party perspective taking (ages 10-15)
Children are able to mentally step outside of their own thoughts and feelings and another person’s and see a situation from a third person, impartial perspective.

Easy practice: This is a perfect time for a child to read biographies about other people’s lives that might interest them. Select a person together because you both know something about the person’s life. Or read the biography yourself and talk about it with your child.

5. Societal perspective-taking (ages 14-adult)
Begin to see that the third party perspective can be influenced by larger systems and societal values.

Easy practice: Offer opportunities to learn and experience other cultures and reflect on differing perspectives and values. Visit churches, synagogues or other places of worship outside of your belief system. Volunteer with your child in a nursing home or homeless shelter. When you hear your children are curious in another culture, government or belief system, explore their interest through books, volunteerism, festivals, travel and other mind expanding experiences.

When working toward a win-win solution, the person with whom you are negotiating ultimately needs to feel respected and understood. Practice in perspective taking will help increase a child’s confidence that they can meet others where they are and work through any difficulty ensuring all involved leave with a fair solution. Not only can perspective taking help children sustain healthy relationships, but they will also have the ability to grow and deepen those relationships through greater trust and understanding.

For related articles, check out:
Working It Out – Adults helping facilitating a problem-solving process with kids who are in conflict

Critical Conversations – How parents can communicate effectively in the most challenging conversations with their children.

The Halloween Trading Places Challenge – Read about parents who traded places for an evening with their kids and what they learned. Try it out in your family!

References
1. Merriam-Webster Dictionary. Retrieved on January 13, 2015 from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/negotiation

2. PON STAFF (Oct. 31, 2014). Win Win Negotiations – How to Be a Better Mind Reader: New Research Suggests Why It Pays to Take Your Counterpart’s. WIN-WIN NEGOTIATIONS

3. Selman, R.L. (1975). Level of social perspective taking and the development of empathy in children: Speculations from a social-cognitive viewpoint. Journal of Moral Education. 5 (1) 35-43.

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Posted on January 8, 2015 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

The Best of 2014

2014 was a big year for Confident Parents, Confident Kids. This community moved from 275 followers to 23,000+ strong! Thank you for being an essential part of this important dialogue. Together our collective wisdom can strengthen our individual lives.

What are your hopes and dreams for your family this year?

Please write in the comment section. We’d love to hear from you!

Here are the top five most popular posts from this past year. Please check out any you may have missed.

1. Smart Home Media Use: Limiting Screen Time

The second day of school my son brought home a short booklet that was to be signed by all family members. It was the technology policy for his school. Covering every facet of screen interaction, each statement began with “No….” It is indeed critical for each school to have a policy on how technology is used. But in family life, the policy, or “rules” around screen time are just not enough. I began asking, what do kids know about screens, their effects and why they should be limited? How are children taught to interact with screens – what to do in addition to what not to do? As I was asking these questions, two friends, also readers, got in touch and asked whether I had any written media agreement for a family. I promised that I would research and work on one so that all could benefit including my own family… Full article.

2. The Mask of Anger

Anger is just anger. It isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It just is. What you do with it is what matters. It’s like anything else. You can use it to build or to destroy. You just have to make the choice. – Jim Butcher, White Night

Yesterday, the teachers at E’s school decided to have a brief recess on the small slice of driveway in front of school in order to get out some of the cabin fever energy rampant among us all but particularly strong in kids. I was serving as lunch-recess parent volunteer. At a roaring pitch and in the faces of other children, I heard “I don’t wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.” I saw a tall, red-faced child stomp away from the group of boys he had just assaulted. And a small sobbing boy I’ve never met leaned back against me for comfort and protection as I leaned in to figure out what was going on. “Why is he crying?” said one boy incredulous and embarrassed that an associate of his might cry. “It’s okay,” said a kind friend. “He didn’t mean you.” said yet another. I pointed out what good friends he had to check in on him and provide words of comfort. Then the bell rang and we were back inside… Full article.

3. A Rush of Gratitude

I came into the bathroom this morning a little foggy-eyed to put on my makeup and get ready for the day as my son was putting on his school uniform. He bounced to the bathroom door and said, “Did you notice?” as he pointed to the condensation on the window. There was a clearly traced “I love Mom” carefully written by his index finger. A rush of gratitude filled me and as I was thinking about how I could begin my article on gratitude today, it was easy. He was feeling it. He shared it. And then so was I. Simple as that…Full article.

4. A Storied Childhood; The Impact of Stories on Children’s Social and Emotional Development

“What are you guys up to?” I say to the three six year old friends in my living room. “We’re sharing our books!” one says with an “Isn’t it obvious?” tone. Reading is a top priority in the early elementary school years with some states enforcing a reading guarantee (“All kids will read with proficiency by the third grade.”). And so at times it feels, the pressure is on. “Mama, I feel with my whole body that I won’t learn to read,” E said to me at age five. Yet, we have read together since the days when he was swimming in amniotic fluid. “Oh, the Places You Will Go!” was our favorite. We have books in every room of the house. We’ve read several books together every day of his life. But he has a mounting anxiety around learning to read. Perhaps because it is so much a part of our lives, he feels the importance of reading. But also, I suspect that school is pushing hard to make sure he hurries his learning pace. He’s not alone. A worried mother recently confided in me, “I’ve had my son going to a tutor all summer because I’m told he has to read by the time he starts first grade!”… Full article.

5. Conquering Fears

In children’s play scripts, picture books and playground games, the theme of conquering fears is played out repeatedly. Each developmental step requires a battle with self-doubt to risk, overcome and triumph. The reward is mastery, the satisfaction of accomplishing a goal and simultaneously controlling emotions. At Halloween time in particular, we delight in scary imagery gaining a feeling of control over the darkness… Full article.

There are exciting plans and opportunities for learning, conversation and community this coming year on Confident Parents, Confident Kids and you play a critical role! I hope you’ll keep in touch, tell us what your challenges and triumphs are and we will all benefit. Happy new year!

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Posted on January 6, 2015 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Elements of a Confident Kid… Focus

– a main purpose or interest1

About Focus:

I just could not devote my undivided attention to working on this blog post today while my son was home from school – a snow day. Though I had a few quiet moments while I watched him play outside with a friend, I knew that the minute I got started, he would have a need. And so I never allowed myself to get involved in my article. There are two distractions that move us away from focused attention, both of which I experienced. The first is sensory, all of the sights, sounds and smells that surround and stimulate us. The second is emotional. “Will he fall off of his sled?” (worry) – “My work is piling.” (anxiety) and “I should be doing the ‘good Mom on a snow day’ things like creative projects and baking cookies.” (guilt). Often both come into play when trying to focus our attention. Yet, focus is essential for deep thinking and learning to take place. Confident kids are able to focus on important tasks in order to be successful. They will be required to do so in school. But life is busy. There are many competing demands for their attention. If we need to prioritize focusing in order for our kids to be successful in school and in life, how do we do it?

Promoting Focus:

Modeling
As with all social and emotional skills, the most powerful way to teach is to model. So the focus challenge then becomes, can you place your undivided attention on your child for a short time each day? Is she telling a story about something that happened at school? Put down your spoon. The chili can wait. Sit down, eyeball to eyeball, and let her complete her story with your full attention. Those moments will allow her regular practice in observing focused attention. In addition to promoting focus, you’ll have the added benefit of deep listening and enhancing your trust and connection as you show you are truly hearing what she is saying.

We also model focus when we engage in an activity that we love. Doing something for the pure joy of it is a benefit for you and your children. If they can participate with you, great. But if not, just your own participation in some activity that allows you joy places you in the state of “flow” and allows your children to watch you focus your attention.

Awareness and Support
Your awareness of sensory and emotional stimuli that may disrupt a child’s focus can help you become more sensitive in supporting them when needed. Perhaps they have a big project due for school and are struggling to complete it. Think about the sensory inputs. Is there music humming or are there television personalities talking? Is a younger brother zooming his airplane through the room? You can help eliminate those distractions. And what about emotional stimuli? Was there a fight after school between friends that might be weighing on his mind? Or did his teacher warn him that this project was critical to maintain a passing grade? Talking with him about his feelings can help ease the worries that might be distracting him from his work. Asking questions about what happened and what he can do next time to make things better may be enough to allow him to devote his attention to the project at hand.

Practice
Daniel Goleman in his book, Focus; The Hidden Driver of Excellence writes, “The power to disengage our attention from one thing and move it to another is essential for well-being.”2 It merely requires practice. Do offer children chances for play on their own (without a playmate or electronic device). This creative time will allow them focused attention on their development through play. Do provide the toys and tools to encourage an interest. It may well turn into a joy that will offer regular practice in undivided attention.

Offer practice in self control, or emotional regulation.This practice could include naming feelings when they arise. Decide on ways to deal with strong emotions like anger or worry. You may talk with a teenage girl about writing in her private journal when she is upset. With a young child, you may practice punching pillows or cuddling a teddy bear when emotions challenge. And focusing on breathing together can be a powerful calming strategy to use and rehearse when not upset so that it’s ready when it’s truly needed. Those children who have practiced managing their emotions will be able to do the same when faced with a school exam right after having an argument with their best friend. Working on coping strategies with your child when all is calm will allow you to offer a gentle reminder during emotional storms. Those kids who have had many small chances to practice will be able to use those tools when the bigger challenges come along and they will be able to focus their minds.

It’s the end of the day and my son is snug in bed. I have shut my office doors to block out the sensory stimuli beyond. I baked my cookies this afternoon so I have no guilt for the moment. I can write my article with full undivided focus.

For related articles, check out:

Strategies for Teaching Self-Control

References

Merriam Webster Online Dictionary. Retrieved at http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/focus on 1-6-15.

Goleman, D. (2013). Focus; The Hidden Driver of Excellence. NY: Harper Collins.

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