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Posted on April 2, 2019 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Changing Behavior Patterns

How do you make the changes you desire?

A parent at a workshop expressed, “my son talks back and it gets me so mad. I know I’m probably contributing to his acting out but it sets me off every time.” “It feels like my daughter tries to get me upset. Why would she do that?” another lamented. When we have identified patterns in our children’s behavior that we want to change — particularly those that push our hottest buttons — how do we change them?

In fact, that is the time when we have to examine our own reactions. Consider that children’s behavior will indeed change when adults’ reactions change. There may be an adjustment period as they experience you differently but ultimately children will adapt to their caregiver’s choices and reactions. The good news is that our reaction is something we can control. The challenge for us then becomes how do we change and how do we know what behaviors to shift toward in order to elicit a more constructive reaction? You might ask the following key questions:

What patterns in my child’s behaviors do I want to change?
What behaviors would I like to see my child adopt instead in those same circumstances?
How can my reactions to their undesirable behaviors demonstrate the behaviors I would like to see in them – so that I am modeling what I want to see reflected back to me?

“I know what I don’t want to do, but I’m not sure what I can do instead.” said a parent as we further discussed challenges. Often it is easier to look back on the experiences from our childhood and know exactly what we don’t want to repeat. But if we haven’t explored the connections between our current parenting challenges and our experiences as children related to similar issues, we may – consciously or unconsciously – repeat them. We get caught up in a cycle of shame and guilt and then fear and regret when we feel out of control with our children and at times, ourselves.

And there’s brain science to explain why that occurs. Our experiences from our own childhoods are part of our mental wiring. That’s why when children challenge us, we feel it can bring out our worst selves. Parenting from the Inside Out authors explain it this way:

Experiences that are not fully processed may create unresolved and leftover issues that influence how we react to our children…When this happens our responses toward our children often take the form of strong emotional reactions, impulsive behaviors, distortions in our perceptions or sensations in our bodies. These intense states of mind impair our ability to think clearly and remain flexible and affect our interactions and relationships with our children.1

The good news is that patterns can be changed. You can get out of that cycle of shame, guilt, fear and regret. Countless individuals have been able to raise their children in ways that align with their values, changing patterns from their pasts. These individuals are sons and daughters of parents with mental illness, alcoholism and drug addiction and the behaviors that are associated with those illnesses including emotional and physical violence and abuse. Parents with those kinds of experiences as part of their childhood story may not perpetuate an addiction themselves but be quickly wounded when a child lashes out and may be prone to lash back.

So the big question is “How do you change those patterns?” The only path to truly addressing patterns we don’t want to repeat is through self-awareness, intentionality, goal setting, practice (a.k.a. diligent work on it) and a commitment to continual learning. Perhaps that means seeking a counselor to share your childhood story with to work on processing themes from your past. Perhaps that means journaling, reading and reflecting on how you can heal your own wounds. Certainly it requires learning about how you will replace the old behaviors with new behaviors. Instead of yelling when my child won’t get out of the door on time and we are going to be late for school, what can I do? What can I say? And most importantly, how can I help myself deal with my own emotions in that moment so that I am able to bring a better self to the moment?

Build your own self-awareness first.
We all have blind spots – aspects of ourselves we are simply too close to see. That is why seeking support is so critical. Coaches, counselors, therapists and other mental health professionals are trained to listen to our stories and then reflect our blind spots back to us to help raise our self-awareness. Have you ever said something that, perhaps, had been in your mind but never articulated out loud? And when you did say it out loud to another person, just the act of articulating it gave you your own “aha” insight into yourself. Those moments of raised self-awareness are essential if we are going to grow as parents and bring the selves we want to bring to our children. In addition to talking with a trained professional, reflection is another way to raise self-awareness. Use a journal dedicated solely to parenting and understanding what you bring to parenting from your own childhood. Write out links between your current challenges and how those same kinds of challenges were handled when you were young. Here are a few questions to get you started:

What are the behaviors your children exhibit that challenge you the most?
How do you feel when those behaviors occur?
What actions do you typically take when they occur? What words do you usually use?
Do those words and actions align with your values in life and for parenting? Do they align with what you want to teach your child? How do you know? Here’s the ultimate test — If your child repeated your words and actions in public, would you be glad, proud or ashamed, guilty or angry? If the latter is the case, then it’s time to re-evaluate.
Consider those current kid behaviors that challenge you in the context of your own childhood. Did you exhibit those behaviors? If so, how did your parents react to you? How did you feel in those moments?
And did your parents happen to act in a similar challenging way (to those kid behaviors)? If so, how? And when they did act that way, how did you feel at the time? How did you react at the time? Is it similar to your current reactions to your children?
If you have discovered through your reflections that your words and actions do not align with your values and have uncovered childhood wounds, how can you first address those hurts? How can you deal with them, work to understand them and be compassionate toward the child you were? Consider whether you might need support on the journey toward healing.
Then, how can you accept that your big feelings – when your child acts out – are reasonable considering your upbringing?
And then, how can you find ways to learn about dealing with your current feelings in the moments of great challenge? How can you learn what words and actions would align with your values as a parent? And how can you begin to practice new ways of being?

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Gretchen Rubin, author of Better Than Before: Mastering the Habits of our Everyday Lives studied what we can do and has a helpful set of suggestions. 2 Though many of her examples are related to weight loss and getting physically healthy, they translate well into parenting habits we want to replace. She offers some helpful supports for making desired changes and I offer my parenting spin on the following.

Define your goal. First, she writes that it matters whether you are prevention or promotion-oriented. So consider, do you prefer to stop eating junk foods or do you prefer to start eating healthy foods? It may seem like semantics but the way you frame your goal will help you follow through on it and stay motivated. If you are prevention oriented, your goal may be to stop the yelling. If you are promotion oriented, your goal may focus on promoting calming down strategies when family members are upset.

Learn. An important part of changing patterns is learning how to act differently. We cannot do that without seeking outside resources. Explore sites, articles and books that seem to be in alignment with your values and spend time learning about what has worked for others. In addition, be certain that you include reading about your own child’s developmental milestones. So often, challenging kid behaviors are related to their learning and developmental process so your understanding of those issues will extend your empathy, compassion and patience.

Experiment for a Limited Timeframe. We learn new ways to parent just as we learn other skills in life often, best through trial and error. Why not decide on a plan for how you will react next time that predicable, but undesirable pattern crops up and you get angry at your child? How can you plan to react differently just for one week? What will you do? For example, you could utter aloud “stop,” for your own benefit and your child’s and go inside yourself to calm down and recall your plan before reacting with anger. Ask yourself, “what’s my child’s motivation here? How can I build empathy for their misguided attempts at attention or power? And how can I help them achieve attention or power positively, constructively?” Set short timeframes – even a day or two – and help yourself become successful in trying out new strategies. Keep what works and then…

Create a ritual or routine. Rubin writes about the virtue of starting with a clean slate, meaning finding a time in life that is already a turning point (a move, a new job, a new grade level for your child) and begin your change at that point. But you need not wait for a major life change to get started. You can create one by developing a ritual or establishing a routine. Want to yell less? Perhaps you create a routine of “inside voice level” talk with your whole family. Ask members, “How can we help each other to remember to keep our voices at a reasonable level?” and “What can we do to calm down when we are getting angry at one another?” If you decide that each family member agrees to take five deep breathes in the midst of a conflict, then practice and make it a routine. Each time there’s a disagreement, before it escalates too far, remind each other to take five deep breathes. Do what you can to help yourself remember so that you become consistent with your new routine. This not only supports changing your behavior, it also changes your brain wiring as you act with consistency. And in turn, your children will react accordingly.

Take care. Changing an undesirable pattern takes focus, commitment, persistence and hard work. That means that if you are sleep deprived, you are going to be much less likely to have the capacity to follow through on your new routines or practices. If you are serious about changing a pattern, then you need to get serious about your own self care at the same time. Rubin writes that

It’s helpful to begin with habits that most directly strengthen our self-control: these habits serve as the foundation of all our habits. They protect us from getting so physically taxed or mentally frazzled that we can’t manage ourselves. 2

These habits are ones that help us to sleep, move, eat and drink right and unclutter. It may feel like an onslaught of goals to try and tackle a parenting challenge along with eating healthier. But the truth is one will support the other. The aforementioned areas will help reinforce other patterns you are trying to change by meeting your physical and emotional basic needs allowing you to focus on your goal – your desired behavioral changes.

Schedule it. If it’s in the calendar, it gets done. It’s just that simple. If it’s not in the calendar, it’s not likely to be accomplished. So go ahead and book your practice toward achieving your goal. Maybe you put in your calendar practicing deep breathing for five minutes each day after you drop your child off at school. Maybe you schedule your practice with your child after school to bring some accountability to your practice. I find if I am focused on teaching my son, I am much more committed to the task. Writing down a regular time to practice implementing the new behavior will assist you in following through and actually doing it.

Establish accountability. Certainly you are accountable to that sweet face that is your child and she is what likely incited you to develop a goal in the first place. However it is helpful to establish multiple points of accountability to support you and keep you on track. Rubin writes that

Accountability is a powerful factor in habit formation, and a ubiquitous feature in our lives. If we believe that someone’s watching, we behave differently. 2

So how can you make yourself accountable? One first step is to let all family members know that you are working on yelling less and require their support. If they’ve noticed you’ve yelled that day, you could ask for them to give you that feedback, gently and kindly, by the day’s end. You could agree upon a hand signal to use that will help everyone moderate their voices. I often use a kitchen timer to help me remain on task or remind me to change gears. How can you find a way to make yourself accountable?

Recognize steps. No one person can skip from A to Z, from failing to succeeding, from irate to fully calm. But it’s critical that we recognize our steps along the way to keep up our motivation. We have to see some progress to feel like we can forge ahead. So be realistic about your steps forward. Recognize when you have made changes, even if small, even if for one day. Call it out to family members or write it down in your calendar. “My child came home from school and had a frustration meltdown. I kept calm and didn’t yell.” Those small steps represent your progress toward permanent habit changes. Give yourself credit for each step of the way.

One of my favorite quotes from experts on change is “When change is successful, it is the quality of the little things that makes the final difference.” 3 Becoming a parent helps uncover our identity in a way that no other experience can. If we embrace that fact as an opportunity for greater learning and development, we can become the person and the parent we truly want to be.

References

Siegel, D. & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out, How a Deeper Self Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. NY: Penguin Group.
Rubin, G. (2015). Better than Before, Mastering the Habits of Our Everyday Lives. London, UK: Two Roads Books.
Hall, G.E. & Hord, S.M. (2001). Implementing Change, Patterns, Principles and Potholes. Needham Heights, MA: Allyn and Bacon.

Originally published March 3, 2016.

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Posted on March 28, 2019 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

The Birth Stories of Two Parents

Our lives are forever changed by the birth of a baby. That event or more accurately, process also signifies the birth of a parent. For every new parent, it’s a completely unique experience. But commonly, that birth can also bring us to the brink of death — whether physical, emotional or both — and can shatter illusions of who we think we are. We leave behind the life of an independent person focused on our own relationships and career success and begin a life of focusing on the relationships and successes of our baby. This fundamental shift in thinking is confirmed in studies that show that new parents undergo a major brain reconstruction at that time.

Telling our birth stories reveals lessons about who we were, are, and continue to become. One of the central gifts of parenting is that in focusing on and advancing our child’s development, we simultaneously have the opportunity to advance our own development. Adults can become adept at masking our developmental urges – pretending that our children are all about learning but we somehow are a finished product. Having a baby can be a wake-up call. It can alert us to the fact that we are not fully self-aware, that we have not deeply reflected on our past to inform our present, and that there’s a lifetime and more of learning and advancing our own social and emotional development if we allow for it.

Earlier this year, I asked readers to submit their own birth stories and was delighted to receive personal, moving accounts. In sharing our stories of how we became parents, we have the chance to reflect on those major shifts that occurred in our lives. When we do, we can shine a light on what we learned and how it made us stronger than we were before we became parents. The first story submitted by Nikkya Hargrave tells of a birth that almost didn’t happen for multiple reasons. Perhaps because of that fact and the struggles she and her partner endured, gratitude and a relinquishing of control are the central themes of her story. The second story submitted by Lana Whiskeyjack is a story which shows a gradual awakening after a series of births, the first of which took place when she was very young. Her story focuses on how she has made sense of her Cree heritage, her experience of abuses that came from being placed in an Indian Residential School, and her discovery of self-worth and cultural pride. She describes how she has worked to understand her own upbringing, her ancestral heritage and generational trauma, and how she is actively working to rewrite the lessons for her children to offer them a new sense of cultural pride, wisdom, and gratitude. I am grateful to these two confident parents for sharing their personal stories.

In this season of Springtime, as we witness new life as plants and flowers emerge, may this post help you reflect on your own birth into parenting. You might ask yourself:

How did the birth process change me as a person?
What awakenings have I had about myself in becoming a parent?
In the telling of my own story, what themes might emerge?
How do I continue to reflect on and learn from my children’s development to raise my own self-awareness?
What am I challenged to learn from right now in my role as a parent?

Releasing Expectations: A Parents’ Birth Story by Nikkya Hargrave

My heart had been ready for some time but my body was not. I wanted babies for as long as I could remember, lots of babies. Why? I wanted to mother them the way I never was. I wanted to love them and instill in them many of the values I was raised with. I wanted to give them all the things I wanted in a mother. My own mother couldn’t mother me because she was too crippled by her drug addiction and incarceration. As a young child, I sat and daydreamed about what kind of parent I would be, what my pregnancy would be like, and what my babies would look like.

On our very first date, I talked at ad nauseam about my desire to be pregnant and have a big family. It did not scare my date away and in 2011, I married my wife, Dinushka. In 2013, we embarked on our journey to have a child together. It was not at all easy. I was scared. I was excited. I was eager. And within our marriage, we needed to have the tough conversations: What if this doesn’t work? How many times will we try? What if the insurance does not pay? What kind of parents will we be? We’d already assumed the role of parents to our son whom we adopted through a kinship adoption. We had a sense of how we worked as parents though this trying to conceive journey would be the first for us – coming together in mind, body, and spirit to bring another life into this world, one we planned together from day one.

And in my heart, I knew this was my calling, to be a mother. With every step forward, I kept my goal in sight – to be pregnant. We decided to use my doctor at the time who was also a reproductive endocrinologist and had been my gynecologist for many years prior. She was also the person who performed my fibroid removal surgery a few years before we began the in-vitro fertilization, commonly known as IVF process. In 2012, just after my surgery, our doctor informed us that my fibroids, the unwelcome benign tumors that they were, would grow back and if we wanted to try, we should do it sooner rather than later. In 2014, we tried for the first time to get pregnant. I had so many emotions and the one leading the way was fear. What if it didn’t work? What if my fibroid removal surgery did more harm than good? What if I wasn’t meant to be pregnant?

I put so much trust, energy and carried so much faith in this very process, in my body and in my calling. I knew this first time had to work. But it did not. I cried in my wife’s arms. I cried hard when my at home pregnancy test came back negative. This was the test I’d dreamed about as a child, coming back positive, the pink plus sign indicating a baby had begun to grow inside of me. Why had this dream not come true? After reeling from the news of the negative at home test, I needed to go in for a blood test with my doctor to confirm what I secretly already knew. The nurse called:

“Nikkya, the results of your test are in,” she told me. And I took a deep breath.

“Your number is twelve and to be a viable pregnancy we need your number to be over 25 or 30,” she said.

“I know that is not the news you were hoping for. I am sorry,” and with that, we hung up the phone.

It took me a few months to dust myself off from the news. It took me six months to be exact before I felt like I had the courage to try again. I asked friends who they’d used to conceive their children, which local clinics had worked for them. I did my research before attempting another round of IVF. I tried as hard as I could to tell myself that it is indeed a process and there wasn’t much I could control and what I could, I would. With that, I went to a new doctor, at a new clinic, and transferred our donor sperm with us. We had one vial of donor sperm left, the second attempt would be our last. From the start, we’d chosen a Sri Lankan donor which was important to me given that my wife is Sri Lankan. The same emotions followed me as we embarked on our second attempt: fear, excitement, nervousness, and this time, a sense of patience.

I needed to be patient with the process, with my body, and with our doctors. With each consult, a wrench is thrown in our way, I needed to find patience. It wasn’t easy. I kept my goal in sight, to be pregnant and to have a baby. With each check up, I waited. I tried to will into existence the phone call I’d been waiting for.

The first week of December of 2014, I got the phone call I’d been waiting for. I saw the number I’d recognized so many times before appeared on my Caller ID. It was my assigned nurse from my new clinic with my new doctors. I hesitated and thought for a brief second that I should let it go to voicemail, my contemplation felt like an eternity. If it were bad news, I could process it later. If it were good news, I could share in it with my wife just after the call. It rang. I waited. And then I decided to pick it up.

“Hello,” I said, in a dry, almost muted tone.

“Hello, Nikkya,” she said, with a tone too rehearsed to surmise if any positive news would follow.

I held my breath. It hung between my lungs, like a newly hung painting.

“You’re pregnant!” she said. I release my breath, a smile eased onto my face.

She continued, “you’ll need to come in in two days for another blood test. Come in any time after 6 am. Congratulations again and see you soon!

I sat in the hard wooden chair of my barren office. I took this moment in, confident in the fact that this was the last time I’d know this feeling: excitement, nervousness, and jubilation. I felt like a triumphant warrior, never forgetting why I set out on this journey. I called my wife, told her the news and she said, “WOW…YAY” and let out a muffled scream to not distract her focused coworkers. With that, we hung up. A few seconds later, she called back.

“Babe, I think you’re pregnant with twins,” she says. I could hear the fear in her voice. “Don’t be silly. You’re just feeling anxious,” I wrote off her.

Later that evening, before going home, I stopped to pick up another home pregnancy test. I already had the blood test to confirm what I knew – I was pregnant! A tiny part of me needed the validation in my hand, proof of what the doctors already knew and tested me for. I took four at-home pregnancy tests that night and an extra photo of myself to remind me of this moment.

In 2015, I gave birth to twin daughters through a scheduled c-section. At 31 weeks, I was put on bedrest due to preeclampsia. Upon the diagnosis, I spent five days in the hospital while they tried to get my blood pressure and liver levels within the normal range to allow me to be discharged with the promise I’d stay on bedrest. In the company of a visiting nurse, I spent the next five weeks leading up to their birth, at home watching old episodes of Criminal Minds. Watching this show, in particular, gave me permission to be scared about this fictitious world and detach from my own pregnant reality.

What if something goes wrong?

What if I have a heart attack?

What if the babies decide they want to come today?

What if my water breaks?

The show gave me something else to focus on other than the voices in my head and the questions I couldn’t know the answers to. Would my babies have all of their fingers and toes? Would the anesthesia in my spine work? Could I breastfeed two babies? Would I want to breastfeed two babies? In my heart, I thought I knew the answers simply because I yearned for these babies.

I have no memory of the birth of my babies. I did not get to do skin to skin. I did not get to hear their first cries. I did not experience the same fear my wife did as they whisked one of our daughters away because of her labored breathing just after her birth. I did not know any of this until 24 hours after their birth. I felt the pain of the c-section during surgery. I started screaming (which I do not remember) as they tugged and stretched my uterus. The louder I screamed, the more medication I was given until I was completely knocked out.

In the end, I got exactly what I was meant to get from the birth of our daughters – two healthy babies. During my pregnancy and leading up to their birth, I had so many expectations of what I wanted for them, for me, for my recovery, for our family bonding. It wasn’t until the day of their birth that I realized (a hard lesson for me to learn) that I could not control much.

Recognizing the Sacred and Powerful Medicine: A Parents’ Birth Story by Lana Whiskeyjack

I was seventeen when my first child grew within my womb. I didn’t tell my parents until I was eight months pregnant. Isn’t that weird that we lived under the same roof but they didn’t recognize how much my young body was changing. Mind you, I hid my pregnancy well within the 1990s fashion of baggy pants and sweatshirts, thanks TLC and Salt-N-Pepper. Like most young mothers with no father-to-be in the picture, I felt utterly alone and scared when I should of felt supported and sacred.

I came from a family that endured intergenerational soul wounding from Indian Residential schools; meaning there was some unhealthy parenting and family cycles passed down from one generation to the next. Nikawiy (my mother) and Nohkom (my grandmother) both attended an Indian Residential school not far from our Cree Nation community. Each of them had their own good, bad, and very ugly, experiences that deeply affected their connection with their own bodies, kinship relations, and the outside (reserve) world. I may not know the truth of their experiences, but I most definitely learned from their behaviors of their paradoxical autonomy over their own bodies. In one teaching, I was told to turn the other cheek; and the other, I was to go back and hit twice as hard. There were no in-between balanced ways of socializing when historical educational policies that governed every aspect of their bodies, minds and spirits would not allow them to be Cree. They were forbidden to speak Cree and in many cases, children were taught to hate themselves.

I am grateful Nohkom reminded me repeatedly that I was a Nêhiyaw (Cree), even though being Nêhiyaw contributed to feeling unwanted and unworthy, a tragic legacy from those schools. Nohkom worked hard to undo those unworthy thoughts by telling me repeatedly that I am powerful, and I am loved. When she found out I was pregnant, she reminded me that I carried the most sacred medicine – life in my womb. My first born, my beautiful son reminded me that he was worthy of being loved, adored and respected, therefore I was also worthy.

It took my third and last child to finally realize that my sacred center – my beautiful womb – carried intergenerational trauma. Those generations of colonizing oppressive self-harming words that carried fear, rage, and hatred, manifested in three-week long menstrual bleeding every single month for six years. I tried all kinds of healing modalities but ultimately I felt betrayed by my body to the point of hating my womb. My hate for my sacred centre was a reflection of the hate of my body and self — that unworthiness rooted in unresolved childhood trauma and historical soul wounding — so connected to my cellular being.

When the blood transfusions could no longer keep up with the monthly bleedings, I screamed, yelled, cried all I could into the woods not knowing the grandmother spirits heard. I had a hysterectomy. As my body slowly recovered, my blood levels rebalanced to normal. I had no choice but to look within for the medicine I needed to restore balance in my life. As I explored where I came from, the wombs I came from endured, I found the seed of woundedness within the traumatic stories of Indian Residential Schools, from the removal of our grandmother’s power within the traditional governance structures by the forceful patriarchal domination over our bodies severely affecting the holy sanctity of the family.

I see now that my medicine (my womb) carries historical trauma. My bleeding taught me that I no longer had to carry the burden of colonization in my womb. The more I returned to my Cree language, land connection, and ceremonies, the more the empty space where my womb was began to fill with self-acceptance.

With the support of my three beautiful children, husband, and loved ones, I reconciled with having the hard conversations with myself and those grandmother spirits. Nikawiysis (my little mother/aunty) sang while we buried my womb wrapped in grandmother print (flowered fabric) in the river valley of my reserve. No longer do I have to be silent about the sacredness of my/our womb(s), what Nohkom called the most powerful medicine. The trauma our wombs, our ancestors wombs, no longer define us when we remember where we come from, honor the teachings of the past in order to carry good medicine into the future. When we remember and sing to the wombs we come from we break the colonial patriarchal cycles so our future generations no longer have to carry soul woundedness in their medicine.

* Thank you also to Alejandro Magallanes for sharing his book with his parents’ birth story, “The Legendary Daddy.”

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Posted on March 26, 2019 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Dialogue on The Key to Motivating Students, The Brain and Beyond

Did you miss our Twitter chat last week on motivation and learning? In fact, it was a national trending topic on Twitter that evening and quite a rich conversation. We dove into questions like:

Where does our children’s motivation come from?
How do we inspire them to work hard especially on challenges that are not intrinsically motivating?
What strategies can parents and educators adopt to motivate students?
How do rewards fit in to motivation? How does punishment fit with motivation?

And much more! You don’t need to be a Twitter follower in order to check out the conversation. Visit this link to the Parent Toolkit display of our excellent dialogue featuring CPCK’s Jennifer Miller and neurologist and author Judy Willis. Thank you @NBCNewsLearn for the opportunity to have this great conversation!

Here’s one of the tweets and a video shared:

Learning takes place in loving, caring conditions whether at school or at home. Children are motivated to work hard when they feel a trust from their caregivers that they are capable of learning. Check out this video on How Learning Happens: The Power of Relationships by Edutopia: https://youtu.be/kzvm1m8zq5g #ToolkitTalk

Diversifying Your Parent-Child Reading…

Widening Your Family’s Circle of Concern through Children’s Literature

When we consider our child’s daily interactions with various cultures, differing belief systems, or other income levels, they may not get the kind of exposure we desire. We want to raise socially aware and inclusive kids who are able to make connections with or act kindly to a person of any age, gender, ability, color, culture, or creed, but our neighborhood or school may not be conducive to forging those important connections. Ah, but the world of children’s literature can…and in the comfort of our very own homes.

Consider that story can act as a central builder of empathy, the skill of seeking to understand others’ thoughts and feelings. And empathy can be exercised and practiced and honed in our kids. Deepen your own trusting relationship by reading and discussing together. Yes, point out differences but also discover how many truly important commonalities there are between these characters from all parts of the world and you!

Picture Books:

One Day, So Many Ways
By Laura Hall, Illustrated by Loris Lora

Discover what daily life is like for kids all around the world! Meet children from over 40 countries and explore the differences and similarities between their daily routines. Over 24 hours, follow a wide variety of children as they wake up, eat, go to school, play, talk, learn, and go about their everyday routine in this stunning retro-style illustrated picture book. Gorgeous illustrations! This book is a must have. Published by Quarto Group.

The Skin You Live In

By Michael Tyler, Illustrated by David Lee Csicsko

With the ease and simplicity of a nursery rhyme, this lively story delivers an important message of social acceptance to young readers. Themes associated with child development and social harmony, such as friendship, acceptance, self-esteem, and diversity are promoted in simple and straightforward prose. Vivid illustrations of children’s activities include a wide range of cultures.

We Are Family

By Patricia Hegarty, Illustrated by Ryan Wheatcroft

Through illness and health, in celebration and disappointment, families stick together. Some families are made up of many people, and some are much smaller. Sometimes family members look like each other, and sometimes they don’t! But even though every family is different, the love is all the same. Illustrations many varied types of families.

First Chapter Books/Early Readers:

Max Loves Muñecas

by Zetta Elliott

Max wants to visit a beautiful boutique that sells handmade dolls, but he worries that other children will tease him. When he finally finds the courage to enter the store, Max meets Senor Pepe who has been making dolls since he was a boy in Honduras. Senor Pepe shares his story with Max and reminds him that, “There is no shame in making something beautiful with your hands.”

Lola Levine Is Not Mean

by Monica Brown

Lola loves writing in her diario and playing soccer with her team, the Orange Smoothies. But when a soccer game during recess gets “too competitive,” Lola accidentally hurts her classmate Juan Gomez. Now everyone is calling her Mean Lola Levine! Lola feels horrible, but with the help of her family and her super best friend, Josh Blot, she learns how to navigate the second grade in true Lola fashion–with humor and the power of words.

The Year of the Book (one in a series)

by Andrea Cheng

In Chinese, “peng you” means friend. But in any language, all Anna knows for certain is that friendship is complicated. When Anna needs company, she turns to her books. Whether traveling through A Wrinkle in Time, or peering over My Side of the Mountain, books provide what real life cannot—constant companionship and insight into her changing world.

Middle Grade Novels:

Merci Suarez Changes Gears

By Meg Medina (Latinx)

Thoughtful, strong-willed sixth-grader Merci Suarez navigates difficult changes with friends, family, and everyone in between in a resonant new novel from Meg Medina. In a coming-of-age tale full of humor and wisdom, award-winning author Meg Medina gets to the heart of the confusion and constant change that defines middle school — and the steadfast connection that defines family.

Ivy Aberdeen’s Letter to the World

by Ashley Herring Blake (LGBTQ)

When a tornado rips through town, twelve-year-old Ivy Aberdeen’s house is destroyed and her family of five is displaced. Ivy feels invisible and ignored in the aftermath of the storm–and what’s worse, her notebook filled with secret drawings of girls holding hands has gone missing. Mysteriously, Ivy’s drawings begin to reappear in her locker with notes from someone telling her to open up about her identity. Ivy thinks–and hopes–that this someone might be her classmate, another girl for whom Ivy has begun to develop a crush. Will Ivy find the strength and courage to follow her true feelings.

Amal Unbound

by Aisha Saeed (Pakistani)

Life is quiet and ordinary in Amal’s Pakistani village, but she had no complaints, and besides, she’s busy pursuing her dream of becoming a teacher one day. Her dreams are temporarily dashed when—as the eldest daughter—she must stay home from school to take care of her siblings. Amal is upset, but she doesn’t lose hope and finds ways to continue learning. Then the unimaginable happens—after an accidental run-in with the son of her village’s corrupt landlord, Amal must work as his family’s servant to pay off her own family’s debt.

Young Adult Novels:

The Poet X

by Elizabeth Acevedo (African American)

A young girl in Harlem discovers slam poetry as a way to understand her mother’s religion and her own relationship to the world. Debut novel of renowned slam poet Elizabeth Acevedo. Xiomara Batista feels unheard and unable to hide in her Harlem neighborhood. Ever since her body grew into curves, she has learned to let her fists and her fierceness do the talking until she finds poetry.

I Am Not Your Perfect Mexican Daughter

by Erika L. Sanchez (Latinx)

Perfect Mexican daughters do not go away to college. And they do not move out of their parents’ house after high school graduation. Perfect Mexican daughters never abandon their family. That was Olga’s role.

Was Olga really what she seemed? Or was there more to her sister’s story? And either way, how can Julia even attempt to live up to a seemingly impossible ideal? But Julia is not your perfect Mexican daughter.

American Panda

by Gloria Chao (Asian American)

At seventeen, Mei should be in high school, but skipping fourth grade was part of her parents’ master plan. Now a freshman at MIT, she is on track to fulfill the rest of this predetermined future: become a doctor, marry a preapproved Taiwanese Ivy Leaguer, produce a litter of babies. Can she find a way to be herself, whoever that is, before her web of lies unravels?

Enjoy expanding your children’s reading possibilities while also expanding your families’ circle of concern!

* Special thanks to Kimberly Allison and her school’s diversity council for her/their outstanding recommendations!

What is the Key to Motivating Children?

Have you ever wondered what is motivating your child when you just can’t get them to do something? Or maybe you know what they are motivated by but can’t figure out how to translate that knowledge into inspiring them to work hard, persist toward their goals, or contribute to your household. For educators, springtime can become a particular challenge as your roomful of students gaze out of the window at the increasingly beautiful weather and you still have learning goals with them to pursue. We are so excited to engage in this upcoming conversation on motivation and learning! Join us on Twitter tonight, March 19th, 7 p.m. EST! Follow the hashtag — #Toolkittalk and join in the conversation! Thank you host, @NBCNewsLearn for this valuable opportunity!

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Posted on March 14, 2019 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

The Key to Motivating Students: The Brain and Beyond… Upcoming Event

Do you ever struggle with your children’s motivation during homework time? Do you wonder how you can motivate your child to contribute to your household or turn around poor choices into positive ones? Mark your calendar! Let’s talk about “The Key to Motivating Students: The Brain and Beyond!” We’ll be be discussing how educators and parents can influence children’s motivation to contribute to their learning at school and at home. It’s an honor to partner with Judy Willis, a regular NBC Parent Toolkit contributor and a neurologist, teacher, and author who will bring her knowledge of brain science to this important discussion. Hosted by NBC News Learn, join us Next Tuesday, March 19th at 7:00 p.m. EST on Twitter. You can follow and contribute to the conversation at #ToolkTalk.

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Posted on March 7, 2019 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

When a Parent Gets Sick…

Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.

– Tori Amos

When a parent gets sick, life goes on. Kids have to get up and get ready for school. Lunches must be packed. Homework has to get accomplished. It can be a real struggle for moms and dads to get through the day when they have come down with the flu. Harder still, parents go through major life transitions such as beginning a new job, losing a loved one, or struggling with depression. And parenting goes on.

How can you deal with those times in a way that allows you to heal yourself and parent healthy children? And how can you avoid placing more burdens on your children than they can reasonably handle? There seems a fine line between asking your children for help and giving them adult responsibilities for which they are not ready.

While I was sick over the past couple of weeks, I reflected on this topic and how I might channel the little energy I had in the direction of healing and being a responsive parent without doing more than I could handle. “I’ll help you feel better,” said E. However, he grew moodier and at times, angry. Children often become angry, upset and worried when a primary caregiver is sick. Their own sense of safety and stability is shaken. They wonder, “Is she going to be able to take care of me and my needs?” and “Is this going to go on forever?” Children are acutely aware that their very survival depends upon their parents despite their desires for independence. So in addition to dealing with your own problems and lack of energy, you also are likely to encounter a child who is not at his or her best.

Here are some thoughts about what you might do in these circumstances.

Ask for understanding.
Communicate with all family members what you are able to give and what you are unable to give. Set clear expectations so that they know in advance what you are unable to do. For most of us, this is incredibly challenging since it feels like admitting a weakness. However, it is a strength to be self-aware and understand your limitations. Communicating with them will allow your family members to support you in the ways that are needed. Model this for your children and they will learn how to become more self-aware and ask for help when it’s necessary.

Acknowledge that the problem is time-limited.
Children often feel as if the current situation will last forever. It helps to assure them that temporary adjustments need to be made while you are recovering.

Arrange for adult supports.
Ask for help or simply accept help when offered from other adults around you. This too can be a real challenge. However, asking your child for emotional or physical support for which they are too young crosses a critical boundary line and can create tremendous anxiety for a child and in turn, you. Create mutually supportive adult relationships and look for chances to help friends and family when they are sick or in a crisis. We all can have those relationships if we are the first to give and reach out when others are in crisis. Reach out to others and they will likely be at the ready to support you when you most need it.

Stick by your child’s routine.
Being consistent with your daily routines will provide a greater sense of security for your child. They will still likely feel uneasy that you are not doing well. However, they will relish in the comfort of your typical routines.

Understand and empathize with your child’s emotions.
Realize that your child is likely to become angrier, needier, sadder and generally more upset when you are sick or stressed. If you meet their anger with anger, it will only escalate the problem. Instead, engage them with the understanding that all family members need to be gentle with one another and forgiving as one member attempts to heal.

Release yourself from extraneous commitments.
During the normal course of the week, we likely have enough commitments to fill our calendars with little time to spare. Ask for understanding from those commitments and minimize what you are responsible for so that you can focus on healing. Gain time later as you invest now in your health.

Set clear, non-negotiable emotional boundaries.
If your burdens are partially emotional, be certain that you are only sharing them with appropriate adults in your life. Your children are unable to shoulder your emotional problems though they will try because they love you. Don’t put them in that position. When you are tempted to talk with them about your troubles, remember that there is a critical boundary line. You remain the adult to allow them their childhood. The book Chained to the Desk; A Guidebook for Workaholics, Their Partners, and Children and the Clinicians Who Treat Them talks about the adult consequences of parents who required children to share in their emotional challenges. For those individuals, it can be a life-long struggle of never measuring up, high anxiety in trying to serve others’ needs and not being able to ask for support or help. Allow your partners, friends or a counselor to provide that adult support to ensure you are getting your needs met and are not tempted to unload your worries on your child.

If it’s a life transition you are facing, raise your awareness of what you can expect emotionally. The book, Transition; Making Sense of Life’s Changes by William Bridges explains that in each transition (whether it’s perceived socially as positive like the birth of a child or negative like being fired from a job), there is a death which requires letting go (and the sadness that goes with it). There is a state of limbo, an in-between period in which, like the caterpillar in the chrysalis that turns to “goo,” one must release the past and embrace the unknown of the present and future. And finally, the birth of the next phase of who you are becoming. Each phase of a transition produces a bundle of emotions. Raising your awareness about what you can expect will help you deal with them and allow you greater self-compassion.

Forgive yourself.
This can be our most difficult task as we strive to be the parents we most want to be. Investing in your own self-care including forgiving yourself for not being the best version of you while you are undergoing health or transition issues can serve you and all those around you. Often times, the stress and pressure of sickness can add to your anxiety and impede your ability to heal. Kristin Neff, leading researcher on self-compassion, defines it in three ways. She writes that self-compassion involves:

…being kind and understanding to oneself in instances of suffering or perceived inadequacy. It also involves a sense of common humanity, recognizing that pain and failure are unavoidable aspects of the shared human experience. Finally, self-compassion entails balanced awareness of one’s emotions—the ability to face (rather than avoid) painful thoughts and feelings, but without exaggeration, drama or self-pity.

Her research supports the theory that mental health and a healthy self-concept are dependent on self-compassion.

All of these recommendations are easier said than done. However, as I strive to become the best version of myself through continued learning, I strive for my own optimal mental health in order to raise a confident kid. I wish for you gentleness and healing as you do the same.

1 Robinson, B.E. (1998). Chained to the Desk; A Guidebook for Workaholics, their Partners and Children, and the Clinicians who Treat Them. (3rd Ed.) NY: New York University Press.

2 Bridges, W. (2004). Transitions; Making Sense of Life’s Changes. (2nd Ed.) Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press.

3 Neff, K.D., Rude, S.S., & Kirkpatrick, K.L. (2007). An examination of self-compassion in relation to positive psychological functioning and personality traits. Journal of Research in Personality. 41 (2007) 908–916.

Originally published on April 10, 2014.

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Posted on February 28, 2019 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Parenting Lessons from Aikido: Managing Power Struggles with Skill

“Thank you for what I am about to learn,” or “Arigato gozaimasu” (ah-ree-gah-toe go-zah-ee-mass) my son along with ten of his teammates respectfully utter with a bow and prayer hands as they begin a lesson in Aikido. As a Star Wars’ fan and appreciator of “the force,” Aikido seemed to align well with my eleven-year-old’s desire to learn how to use his body, mind, and spirit powerfully and peacefully. When he came home and asked me if he could try out his new move called “Heaven and Earth” on me and I was taken down shockingly, swiftly but safely to the ground, I thought it wise for me to learn more myself about this discipline.

Now a year into learning this martial art, I’ve discovered some invaluable philosophical lessons from this peaceful form of body, mind, and spirit training that prepares individuals for retaining their power while being attacked.

Power is an essential human need for both parents and kids alike. And how we think about, use, plan for, and structure our power and also, how we share it with family members can determine whether we feel a sense of ongoing safety, respect, and trust. If children feel powerless in a situation, they’ll search out ways to regain it. And at times, because of their lack of experience, they will lash out at us.

As parents, we will be attacked whether its by a tiny toddler’s fists or by tween-age words infused with angst, anger, and confusion. And it can put a caring adult to the test. Often when an attack catches us off-guard, our feelings may guide us into actions and reactions that will escalate the problem like yelling, dominating with words or body language, or grabbing. Fearing an attack will only lessen our power. Greeting an attack with anger and loss of control will not model emotional intelligence for our child. So then, how can we teach our children and teenagers to seek power in positive ways? And in the case of the teachings of Aikido, how can we regain balanced power when it’s been challenged or thrown off balance?

Check out these guiding Aikido principles and how we can learn to apply them as parents.

Begin with a desire to harmonize.

When an attacker approaches, the Aikido-trained individual says: “I don’t want to fight.” So too, when our child picks up the rope and attempts to bait us with a full-on tug of war, we can simply articulate: “I don’t want to fight,” and there’s a chance our child might stop there. But if not…

Master the “hanmi” position. Unbalance the attacker.

In order to maintain power on both sides – both child and parent – we need to assume a stance that gives us power. Not running from house to car to grocery store, but if our child has started a fight, how can we assume a solid whole body position that helps us focus?

Aikido teaches that our hips are the key to grounding our body without tension. How can you lower your center of gravity comfortably and widen your foot position? Aikido trainees stand with their body turned on an angle slightly with feet as wide as their hips to maximize comfort and stability. Try it and it may just help you focus on a constructive response.

Aikido emphasizes practice so that you train your body to that position and it becomes effortless when you are attacked. How can you try it multiple times in low-risk situations so that you are ready when you are truly tense or fearful?

3. Use “Kokyu,” alertness but not tense while fully breathing.

In order to bring your best self to a tense situation, how can your body and mind become fully ready and alert without tension? Breathing can help you achieve that stance by focusing on deliberate, calm yet powerful breaths. Your breathing through this moment when your child is attacking is critical in allowing you to respond in healthy ways.

If you have tried meditation, this is a similar state.

3. Move in “awase,” or in synchronization.

Use the same timing and the same eye contact as your child. In Aikido, your taught to balance energy not match energy. The difference is really important. If your child comes at you with aggressive words and body language, though you may reposition your body into a stronger, more grounded stance, you’ll want to relax more to balance out that aggression. In Aikido, “the more firmly you are held, the more relaxed you need to be.”

If your child engages in unsafe movements or choices, guide them to move away. Don’t talk or pull, just guide them and keeping moving. For example, toddlers like to run away from Mom or Dad thinking it’s funny. That running increases if Mom runs after toddler saying “No, No!” But if Mom turns away and moves calmly with the same amount of energy in the opposite direction, toddler with follow. (Yes, this has been tested. It works!!!) The same can be said for the aggressive energy of a first grader, a third grader, or a high schooler. How can we redirect that energy?

Teen:

“I’m going to that party!” yells your teenager after you’ve shared the rule of no unsupervised parties.

Parent:

“I hear your upset. We agree – it’s important that you have a happy social life.” (De-escalates intensity by naming or showing understanding for feeling and articulating common ground.)

4. Use circular or spiral movements.

Maybe you recall the movie, “Karate Kid” in which the main character was taught to “wax on, wax off,” his hand motions always moving in a circle to wax the car. To allow energy to circulate, movements need to be circular. Well, how might this apply in a parent-child situation, you ask? Good question!

If there’s a verbal attack, how can you respond with a verbal circle? Here are a few examples.

Focus on the feeling…

Child:

“I hate you. Get away from me.”

Parent:

“I love you and your words hurt.”

Redirect by asking for help…

Child:

“I won’t get in the car.”

Parent:

“Help me pick up Dad. He needs us.”

Offer a limited, authentic choice (to help child regain some power):

Child:

“I can’t face my teacher. I won’t go to school.”

Parent:

“I hear you. And you’re not alone. You can have a choice: I can write your teacher a note. Or I can come visit your teacher with you.”

5. Exploit leverage.

In Aikido, you’re taught to maximum effect for minimum effort. In order to exploit your own leverage in a moment of a child attack, use “strange calm.” Sit down, close your eyes, and just breath until you feel calm. Or use only a few words. “I need to calm down.” Again breathe. Then, address feelings not choices in a heated moment.

Parent:

“You feel angry and misunderstood, is that right?”

After you have shown you understand what your child is feeling, articulate the realistic, real-world, natural consequences of a poor choice (in other words, not parent-imposed). We may be tempted to say: “You will have to go to your room and stay there if you don’t pick up your toys.” which is punitive, doesn’t result directly from the choice, and takes away power from the child. Instead, leverage real-world consequences. A parent might say:

“We just will not have time to go to your favorite store today if you are unable to pick up your toys. I can help if you could use some help.”

To learn more about using logical consequences, check out the following tool on the parentingMontana.org site.

6. Place yourself in “atemi,” or at a correct distance.

This is about being the correct distance from your child. If you leave the room, a child might get scared and feel like you are giving him or her the silent treatment (which is a form of aggression). Or if you are too close or even grabbing an arm to get him to go with you, you’ll also be emitting aggression. Because adults are physically bigger, we may be less sensitive to this issue and our child will be more sensitive to this issue. So how can you position yourself near your child but not in harm’s way or in a dominating way but at a safe distance?

7. Think “kiai,” or multiple attackers are the same as one attacker.

Think of multiples attacking – or requiring your attention – as you might treat one. Calm and ground your whole body so that you can use your mind and spirit to fully focus on bringing your best self.

8. Use “budo” spirit or in France, “to practice with the heart.”

Put your whole self into dealing with a child who is attempting to bait you into a power struggle. Stay alert, calm, and focused because the feeling or intent of the attacks may change and you have to be ready.

10. Use appreciative dialogue to close the disagreement.

When it’s over, voice your appreciation. “Thank you for working that out with me.” Or “I am grateful for you in my life.”

This is key. And how often do we miss this step in the busy-ness of life?

Because Aikido training focuses on the body, mind, and spirit, the lessons of how to redirect an attack into shared power offer wise counsel for parents. Figuring out how to appropriately and in healthy ways share power with our children can become highly complex as they learn and develop. Using mindfulness to support our own sense of focused attention and calm during tense moments can provide the unique fortifying we require. But then, shifting that energy to regain balance and harmony requires some thoughtfulness. The strategies articulated above are derived from research-based strategies used with parents and teachers who want to raise confident kids and deal with power struggles in healthy ways.

These strategies have the added bonus of serving as positive models for our children. So as we try out these constructive responses to conflicts, we’ll also be converting those tough times into teachable moments. Try out some of these in your own family life and see if you can end the day after a child has attempted to bait you feeling more caring, connected, and powerful.

References:

The Ten Key Principles in Aikido by Eric Savalli

Aikido West Handbook, Helpful Phrases by Ursula Doran

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Posted on February 21, 2019 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

New Family Guide – Helping Parents Promote School Success

Guest Post by Lori Thomas, Academic Development Institute

At the Academic Development Institute’s School Community Network, we believe all parents have dreams for their children and want the best for them. However, as parents ourselves, we also understand that everyday life can get a little overwhelming, and we all need some help and encouragement along the way. That’s why we continue to create resources, share research, and offer services to help families, school staff, and other caring adults connect and collaborate to support every student’s success.

Recently, we posted a free booklet titled A Guide for Families: Helping Your Child Succeed in School.¹ The guide offers free or low-cost ways to support your child’s academic, social, and emotional development at home, at school, and in the community. It includes information on state learning standards and school report cards, as well as college and career readiness. Throughout the guide, we also suggest questions you may want to ask of school personnel.

For example, here is a sneak peek of some of the tips you will find related to college and career readiness:

While schools are concerned with curriculum like math and reading, both research and decades of working with schools and families has shown the “curriculum of the home” is equally important. As stated in the Guide for Families, “The ‘curriculum of the home’ is made up of the patterns of family life that support a child’s ability to learn in school.”

We offer simple tips to help you model and build social and emotional competencies in each child in areas like conversations about everyday events, showing affection, and establishing a daily routine and family expectations. Research has shown that high parental expectations best predict school success.² It turns out those little talks over the years as your kids grow matter more than anything else.

The Guide also offers ideas for building family–school relationships that support children’s learning. Great two-way communication between home and school is so important. We offer tips and questions to ask your child’s teacher. For example, “Ask about your child’s strengths—both in academics and in social/emotional or character traits, and share those you see in your child.”

While engagement at home is most important for your child, we also offer many ideas of ways to get involved at your child’s school or in the community. It may be especially helpful for you to connect with other parents through your school and share experiences and ideas related to your children’s academic, personal, and social and emotional learning.³

Finally, the Guide includes a section on supporting homework. Our tips can help your family establish good study habits that will set your child up for success in school now and in the future—and it all starts with you choosing a positive attitude about learning. As a parent, sometimes we need a little reminder about all the wonders there are to discover in the world and the privilege it is to learn about them.

We invite you to download and share the Guide and the many other resources available at the School Community Network!

*CPCK Note: We are extremely grateful to Lori Thomas and the School Community Journal for reviewing and publishing our research on parenting and social and emotional learning and so appreciate their supports for families!

References:

1. Academic Development Institute. (2018). A guide for families: Helping your child succeed in school. Lincoln, IL: Author. Retrieved from http://www.schoolcommunitynetwork.org/docs/FamilyGuide.pdf

2. Goodwin, B. (2017). Research matters: The power of parental expectations. Educational Leadership, 75(1), 80-81. Retrieved from http://www.ascd.org/publications/educational-leadership/sept17/vol75/num01/The-Power-of-Parental-Expectations.aspx

3. Redding, S. (2011). The school community: Working together for student success. In S. Redding, M. Murphy, & P. Sheley (Eds.), Handbook on family and community engagement (pp. 15–20). Charlotte, NC: Information Age. Retrieved from http://www.schoolcommunitynetwork.org/downloads/FACEHandbook.pdf

Lori G. Thomas is the Executive Editor of the School Community Journal and a Research Associate for the Academic Development Institute’s School Community Network. She is also a wife and mother of two, including a daughter with Prader-Willi Syndrome, and a grandmother of one.

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Posted on February 14, 2019 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

The Importance of Hugs and Loving Touches…

Our Children And Teens Never Grow Too Old (or too cool!) to Need Connection With Us…

We tend to recognize the fact that babies need lots of loving touches. We hold them against our skin. We carry them next to our heart. We soothe them by gently smoothing their hair or massaging their tiny hands and feet. But as they grow, we may not consider how often we touch, how we touch, and the importance of touch.

In fact, there’s research that shows that positive touch can have powerful effects and those findings have significant implications for family life. Touch can deepen intimacy in any relationship creating safety and trust and a sense of well-being. It offers health benefits as well. A study found that those who hugged more were more resistant to colds and other stress-induced illnesses. They found that the support felt particularly through caring touch helped boost immunity.¹ Another study measured the brain activity of participants who were lying in an fMRI scanner anticipating a blast of loud white noise. Those who experienced it alone showed that the regions in the brain that are responsible for threat and stress were highly activated. But the participants who had their romantic partner alongside them stroking their arm didn’t show a threat or stress reaction at all.² As we assist our kids in dealing with the day-to-day stressors of life, touch needs to be on our radar as a strategy that works.

In previous generations, touch was limited since there were worries too much might spoil a child. My Mom recalls reading about the importance of touch and holding babies in the early 1970s when she was raising me while she feverishly read the only parenting guide available at that time, Dr. Spock’s “Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care” that sold over 50 million copies. Her mother had been advised to keep her distance. And because my mother wasn’t held or touched much as a child, it felt unnatural to her as a Mom. Yet she knew it was important to me. So she made a daily hug a part of our routine. And I certainly benefitted from the love and closeness we maintain to this day.

Teachers have long used touch as a way to redirect students who are daydreaming or off task. A simple touch on the shoulder can be enough to help a wandering mind focus on the present. Parents can use this as well. Instead of correcting a misstep your child knows she’s not supposed to be engaged in, try a shoulder touch instead and see if you might communicate through touch alone.

Touch can also be a direct communicator of emotions. In fact, researchers tested this theory with an interesting experiment. They had a participant put his arm through a hole in a wall so that the other interacting participant could only see his arm. The one extending his arm was asked to communicate emotion only through his hand. And the other had to guess the emotion. Though there were gender differences (men interpreted men with greater accuracy and women interpreted women with greater accuracy), the guessed emotions for the same gender were up to 78% accurate.³ Can you tell what your partner or child is feeling just by touching his hand? It could be fun to try!

Kindergartners need hugs just as much as third graders, eighth graders, and those tall Juniors in high school do. Here are some ways to incorporate loving touch into your daily family routine for the benefit of all.

Create a routine time for hugs. Perhaps you already initiate hugs before you go off on your separate ways in the morning and before bed at night. Think about the routines throughout the day in which you see your family members – morning, after school, homework, sports practice, dinner, bedtime? Begin inserting a regular hug into one or more of those times and it will become an expected part of your routine. I counted up my routine hugs with my son and we hug in each of the major transitions of the day. I know that benefits my well-being just as much as his. Try it!

Find snuggle time. Instead of relegating yourselves to different chairs during movie watching time, why not snuggle together under one big blanket? Or snuggle while reading together before bedtime? It will set the tone for a good night’s sleep.

Initiate a quick homework massage. Athletes get massages to work out their tired muscles and help them relax in between games. Homework can be a stressful time for kids. They may be anticipating challenges and can feel frustrated by difficult assignments. Giving a quick shoulder massage before or during homework time can help ease the tension and may even speed up homework completion!

Reward with hugs instead of candy. So often we use candy in celebration. And though kids would never write down a hope for your love and attention on a holiday wish list, they appreciate it and benefit from it more than a box of candy. Shower your love with hugs when you are celebrating positive choices.

Perhaps, use Valentine’s Day to kick off your very own hug campaign in your family to make sure you are getting your one-a-day despite family schedules. A snuggle before bedtime, a touch on the arm while playing, or a shoulder massage while getting through homework are all ways you use touch to promote trusting relationships and offer the benefits of well-being that come with it.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

References:

1. Cohen, S., Janicki-Deverts, D. Turner, R.B., Doyle, W.J. (2014). Does hugging provide stress-buffering social support? A study of susceptibility to upper respiratory infection and illness. Psychological Science, 26, 2, 135-147.

2. Hertenstein, M., & Keltner, D. et al. (2006). Touch communicates distinct emotions. American Psychological Association, 6, 3, 528-533.

3. Keltner, D. (2010). Hands on research: The science of touch. Retrieved on February 9, 2017 at http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/hands_on_research.

Originally published on February 13, 2017.

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