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Posted on September 11, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Recommitting to What Matters Most: With Our School Community, In a New School Year

As I write this on 9/11 and recall what I was doing when the World Trade Center Twin Towers were under siege 24 years ago, my place in the world vividly returns in my memory. As the news broke, I was moving into a large meeting space to spend half of the day with twenty educators from all belief systems. Our topic of the morning was teaching the skills of peacemaking to children in Cincinnati schools. After we, together, watched the news in horror and sat in silence and shock, we asked one another what we should do. Should we cancel the meeting and disperse? We all agreed that there was nothing we could do in Cincinnati – far from ground zero – that was more important than plan a school year of teaching children the skills of peace. 

In moments of great crisis, we have witnessed the coming together as a nation…Hurricane Katrina, the global pandemic. No, not every single person rallied as a national community but for the most part, differences were put aside to focus on what really mattered…saving lives, triage, grieving, healing, rebuilding, and supporting one another. But new beginnings offer us this opportunity as well. In this brand new school year, we have the chance to put aside differences in our school community and focus on what matters most – children’s learning and healthy development.

After our very first week of school, my husband and I noticed that critical comments were creeping into our conversations about our son’s school — despite the fact that mostly, we love the school. We have every intention of doing what we can to support our son this, and every school year. Of course, there are flaws. Of course, there are problems. No school is perfect. We quickly reminded each other to serve as one another’s accountability partners. Let’s focus on the positive — on our connections with other school community members and on our support of teachers and administrators — and leave the rest behind. We know our messages matter and can impact our family’s attitude and relationship with school and even more importantly, our son’s motivation in his learning. 

As we enter another school year, we work hard to set our children up for success. We buy them all of the school supplies they require; the clothes they need; and pack their lunches with care. We encourage them to work diligently on their homework and study well for their first quizzes and tests. Yet, we will get frustrated by any number of aspects of what happens at school and the people involved. The new schedule is throwing off our typical routine. The math teacher is assigning far too much work. There aren’t enough ways to support lunchtime connections. If we focus on what’s not aligning with our expectations, the list can become long and drag down our spirit and ability to support the whole community. James Comer of the Yale Child Study Center wrote: “Children often receive a double message from their parents: “The school is the hope for your future, listen, be good and learn” and “the school is your enemy. . . .” Children who receive the “school is the enemy” message often go after the enemy–act up, undermine the teacher, undermine the school program, or otherwise exercise their veto power.”

Similarly as national news rages with divisions, we can begin to identity “others,” or those who don’t support the issues we do or believe what we believe. Yet each school community member – each family, each parent, each child – contributes to setting the tone and culture of the school community. Divisions breed a lack of safety. And at a very fundamental level, we require our schools to be safe. That means it will take every single one of us — particularly parents and caregivers — who influence the narrative about our schools — to focus on what really matters: our children’s learning and healthy development.

A new school year presents many messaging opportunities. Reflecting on how we talk about new subjects, teachers, coaches, families, extracurriculars, and peers can make a difference in how our children build relationships, view others, and engage and apply themselves. Our own self discipline in focusing on what really matters and offering grace and support to those who are “on our team” – our entire school community – can make all the difference.

How will you recommit yourself to what matters most in your school community? How will you guide your family to focus in on what matters the most? 

Here’s to a healthy, thriving school year for you, your family, and your school community!

Reference:

James P. Comer (20th century), U.S. psychiatrist and author. School Power, ch. 2 (1980).

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Posted on September 4, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

The Back to School Imperative: Making Friends

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'”

– C.S. Lewis

Whether your child speaks the desire or not, most if not all children enter the school year with a hope of cultivating new friends. Yet, our children may not feel comfortable initiating a conversation or have well-rehearsed the social skills needed to grow a friendship. It can require great courage to risk possible rejection to go up to someone brand new to begin a conversation. If your preschool age child once played side by side with peers and began a friendship by bumping their toy cars into one another, that easy start can become more complex as children grow. “How do I just talk to someone I don’t know?“, “What if no one is playing a game I like?” and “What if I ask to play and they say ‘No.’? are real concerns. Social anxiety can strike at any moment. Kids don’t often know how to cope with those worries and turn to you for guidance. So how do you help your child through those times while supporting their social skill development?

We know that whether at school or in an extracurricular activity,  friendships will add to a child’s comfort and enjoyment and can even determine whether they’ll participate in the first place. Research studies confirm that friendships can contribute to a student’s academic performance. Studies have concluded that for both elementary and middle school students, those that have significant friendships at school have a higher motivation for working toward social and academic goals.1 A teacher writes:

“We expect our elementary and middle school students to have mastered these skills before they reach our classrooms. In fact, many of the problems we solve daily are not related to academics but to our students’ undeveloped social skills.“2

Indeed, friendships and a sense of belonging at school can directly address the chronic absenteeism problem that schools has faced since the pandemic. Each student who has at least one treasured friendship – their go-to buddy – has greater incentive to get to school each day.

For teachers, making relationship building a priority at the beginning of the school year can not only eliminate some of those social anxieties that get in the way of learning, they can motivate a child to engage and work hard with friends at their side throughout the school year. Developing friendships and being able to collaborate with peers requires multiple skills that must be learned and practiced over time. And it’s not enough for students to learn to create a friendship with those who are just like they are. Additionally, teachers and parents need to build the skills of accepting and working with students who are different from you. Caring classroom communities not only help students discover their commonalities but also recognize, celebrate and focus on the uniqueness and importance of differences.

Though you may feel as a parent that you have little influence on friend-making at school when you are not present, that’s not exactly true. There are numerous ways you can offer valuable practice in friendship skills at home. Practicing some of these skills over the coming weeks as all students are newly back to school can help set your child up for success setting the tone for a school year where they feel a sense of belonging and care.

Here are some ideas to try out.

For Preschool and Elementary School Age Children

Model.

Find chances in the grocery store or at the bank during regular weekly activities in which your child accompanies you to model introductions to people. Perhaps when you go buy school supplies, this could be your chance. You may go to the same store each week but do you know the names of the employees that assist you? Introduce yourself and your child.

“Hi. I come in here weekly and you’ve helped me many times. What is your name? It’s nice to meet you. This is my daughter, Amanda. She is a big help on shopping trips.”

Be sure and take the opportunity on the car ride home to reflect on the introduction. You might ask, “What did you notice that I said to the woman at the store? Are there some kids at school you might be able to introduce yourself to in a similar way?”

Practice at home.

For younger children, get out three or four of your child’s stuffed friends and have them join you for a snack after school.  Start by making your own introduction of one to another. Then, have your child do the rest of the introductions. “Seal meet Wayne, the bunny. You both like playing legos with Amanda.” Share one commonality and one difference. My son loved this game and looks for opportunities to introduce puppets, trains, cars and other friends that have not yet met. Remember to point out the small aspects you may take for granted to set your child up for success. Nonverbals matter! For example, “I looked at him in the eyes. I smiled and then, I offered my name.“

For older children into middle school, you can involve them in introductions by play acting with them and engaging them in fun. Talk about how it can feel awkward to introduce yourself. Maybe share a story of a time you felt awkward or silly but made an introduction anyway and were glad you did. Show them how you did it. “I just walked up and said ‘I see you are reading that great book. I read it last summer and loved it. I’m Amanda.’” Recognize that it will take some courage to approach a peer. Offer simple ways to join in a game, just sit down, or introduce a topic to get through the awkward first step and move on to getting to know others. It helps to consider questions your child might ask to open up conversation like, “what do you like to do at recess?” Or “who was your favorite teacher last year?“

Create new attitudes around differences.

If your child’s classroom teacher is not intentional about building classroom community and inclusive connections, children may tend toward creating small groups and leaving children out. Your child does not need to be dear friends with every child but they do need to show acceptance and respect and get along with every child in the class. After all, they’ll have plenty of interactions and may even need to work with each of their peers on academic projects. How you talk about differences at home matters greatly. How can you notice when you are talking about classmates, neighbors, or any person outside of your immediate family? Now is the time to use your best self management skills and exercise curiosity (versus judgment with differences). When differences arise — “they don’t think like we do.” — the essential question becomes, “what can we learn from that difference?” Judgment of classmates at home leads to judgment of classmates at school. Set your child up for success in the classroom by curbing any judgment and showing acceptance and curiosity for uniqueness. Look for the (at times, hidden) gifts of each individual! When your child comes home from school talking judgmentally about another child, use your best life coaching approach. You might respond,

“every child in your class has a gift whether it’s clear to you or not. Your special trick can be finding that gift. Do you know what it is for the classmate you’re talking about?”

Ask about free times like lunchtime and recess.

There are very few free moments during the school day when children choose what they can do and with whom they can do it but lunch and recess are often those times. It can be so difficult to find someone to sit with at lunch when looking out at a sea of unfamiliar faces. Talk about this and what your child might do. Model simple language that he can use. “Can I sit with you?” is all it takes – that and a lot of courage – to sit down with a new group of students and have lunch. Talking about it with you and helping your child see that everyone has those feelings of awkwardness at one point or another may give him the courage needed to take that first step.

Provide reinforcing comments.

As your child tells you about attempts to make new friends, reinforce what she is doing. “I notice you introduced yourself today. That kind of bravery is going to pay off, just wait, and see.” It may take a number of tries to make a connection that lasts beyond the lunch period. Also, it’s tempting to ask about and judge the kids with whom she is connecting. You may know the parents or have seen the potential friends through school interactions.  We know that peers can be a significant influence on our child and we want it to be a positive one. However, because it can feel so challenging to make connections and kids are still trying to figure out in which group they belong, allow them some space to take healthy risks and try out new friendships.

Teach to repair harm.

Making friends is hard enough but keeping friends can represent another level of social skills. After all, there are no perfect friends. Each will make mistakes and hurt one another. The trick when hurt or harm occurs is that your child knows how to make amends. Teach that their next choice can be a better choice to heal the relationship. They may feel hurt too. So they need practice at home — with you, with siblings, with neighborhood friends. When they cause harm (and it may be inadvertent), how can they accept their role and responsibility and make things better? Can they offer an apology face to face? Can they mend a broken toy, offer a hug, or write a note? There are many ways that friends can repair harm done. Yet so often, when conflict arises, children’s coping strategies lead to more harm (silent treatment, blame, contempt, and more). They need your coaching and your support in generating ideas for what they can do to create healing when they have calmed down and are ready. You can assure them that (if harm was done on multiple sides) taking responsibility for their part is the right thing to do. They do not have control over anyone else’s behavior, only their own.

Have patience and give it time.

Though at times, it may be challenging to see your child struggling to simply walk up to a group of kids to engage in play, slow your own mind down. Recall your own socially awkward moments as a child. Perhaps even remember times as an adult that it’s been tough to walk, for example, into a brand new workplace and begin relationships. Thinking about your own tough times in starting friendships can help extend your own patience while realizing that, for a child in the midst of social anxieties, it can be a significant and all-consuming challenge. Your guidance and show of confidence that they can do it will help them take the risks they need to take in order to develop those critical relationships.

Children often begin with the advantage of a core common interest – camp, school, sports. If your child initiates a conversation, that may be all that is needed to forge a friendship. Have those discussions, model, practice, and reinforce their courageous efforts as they make attempts. Root for your child in connecting with each person in their class. Those small supports you provide can go a long way toward helping your child find the confidence for making healthy friendships.

For a related article:

What’s in a Name? Teaching Children the Art of Introductions

Healthy Relationships: The Cornerstone of Gratefulness

References:

  1. DuBois, D. L., Felner, R. D., Brand, S., Adan, A. M., & Evans, E. G. (1992). A prospective study of life stress, social support, and adaptation in early adolescence. Child Development, 63,542-557.
  2. Watson, M., Ecken, L. (2003). Learning to Trust; Transforming Difficult Elementary Classrooms through Developmental Discipline. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
  3. Harter, S. (1996). Teacher and classmate influences on scholastic motivation, self-esteem, and level of voice in adolescents. In J. Juvonen & K. R. Wentzel (Eds.), Social motivation: Understanding children’s school adjustment (pp. 11-42). New York: Cambridge University Press.
  4. Wentzel, K. R. (1994). Relations of social goal pursuit to social acceptance, classroom behavior, and perceived social support. Journal of Educational Psychology, 86, 173-182.
  5. Adapted from original published on September 5, 2013.

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Posted on August 28, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Discovering Our Roles with School as Parents and Caregivers in the First Six Weeks

It’s with trepidation, excitement, sadness, longing, anticipation, worry and even joy that we enter together into the back to school season as a family. Saying goodbye to extended time together and serious summer fun, laid back schedules and adventures and exploration can all feel like a sad ending. Re-entering the schedule can feel like an onerous chore to some and to others, a relief. Seeing long-time friends and familiar faces can invite or renew our sense of care and belonging with our school community or it can usher in stress about safety, judgment and exclusion. Our children may be hoping to build new friendships or nervously considering the teachers and coaches who will impact their lives. No matter our focus, the back to school season seems to incite big feelings in all of us.

And there are rituals that welcome us and pave the way for transition into the learning year. Whether you connect with other parents at pick up or drop off time, attend a welcome back event or parents’ curriculum night, it’s not just your child who goes back to school. The whole family will play a key role in learning.

Responsive Classroom, an evidence-based essential life skills curriculum in schools, offers teachers professional guidance on the first six weeks of school and how they can seize that timeframe to set the tone for the school year in a number of ways.1 But how can we support that transition at home? An intentional approach can help us as parents and caregivers consider the ways in which we can create conducive routines at home and a caring space to support and maximize the hard work of learning that will take place in the context of our family lives.

Let’s take a look at these opportunities that exist in family life to return to school together preparing ourselves mentally, socially and emotionally to offer and receive learning throughout the school year.

Getting to Know your School Community
At the very heart of learning is connection. We know safe, caring relationships are necessary in order to bring out the best in our students. The fresh school year – whether you are beginning in a new school and everyone is unfamiliar or you are returning to a school you know well – offers a chance to create valuable connections with others. We need not be reminded that our in-person ability to connect cannot be taken for granted. Though often schools are placed in the role of organizing and reaching out to families, there is an opportunity for each and every caregiver to initiate relationships knowing how critical they are to the learning agenda. So our agenda in doing the best we can as caring parents is not only just to show up (though that is a critical first step!) but also, to consider how we show up. Bringing our warm and open heart and our willingness and effort to make caring connections will alter our presence so that we walk away having planted seeds for new, deeper or more extended relationships.

With our Children: This is the moment when our children are most nervous about their social standing. Will I make friends? Will friends be in my classes? If not, how will I manage and will I need to meet other classmates? Will I have someone to sit with at lunch? Will there be an awkward time at recess or after school when I have to wait alone? Though they must have awkward moments and encounters in order to learn social skills, our modeling can go a long way to help them. 

So 1. Be aware that when you are introducing yourself and your child to others, they are watching and learning; and 2. Offer practice in meeting new people. With young children, practice introductions between stuffed friends or action figures. Have your child try it! With older children when you encounter new families at events, include your child in the adult introductions. Reflect on them when you get in the car or move away. What made that easy? How could you do that when you encounter a new classmate? Do you recall their names? If not, how can we remember them the next time? With teens, we need to be a little subtler in our efforts since they will sniff out our eagerness to “teach” and lean away. Instead engage your teen’s empathy for others who are new to the class. You might say, “Do you remember how you felt when you were new? What was that like for you? And was there anyone who helped you feel more welcome? What did they do?”

Sharing Your Gifts/Learning about Others
If every individual – student, educator and caregiver – were fully and deeply engaged in contributing the best of their inner gifts to the mission of learning, what would our schools look like, feel like? How would they be different? As we enter this school year, you might ask yourself, how are you sharing your gifts with your student and with the school community? What might that look like? How can you take one small step forward in doing that? And how can we learn about the gifts others bring? What knowledge, skills or experience do they bring professionally? What are they committed to personally? How can we find out more so that we value those we are in community with?

CPCK recently collaborated with educational leaders from Windsor Public Schools in Windsor, CT who shared this wonderful way in which they give fathers in their district the opportunity to share their best gifts at school for the benefit of all in a program called Watch DOGS (Dads of Great Students).

With our Children: Can your child name their strengths? Are they able to identify what is unique and special about themselves? This is the time when teachers will offer connection activities for students to get to know one another but our students are also working on coming to know themselves. This is the ever-evolving skill of self awareness. You can help with this by asking those key questions your child might consider. It’s common for children to be complimented on their looks (“you look beautiful!”) or their athletic performance (“you were great on the soccer field”) but those are not the only ways we hope our child will define themselves. We hope they see their inner strengths like wit, curiosity, creativity, compassion, honesty, bravery, kindness and more. Discover together what these are and how they might shape your child’s sense of identity by story-telling, perhaps reflecting on your summer at dinnertime, and pointing to specific instances of those valued traits.

Discovering School Treasures
Every school has treasures. Whether its incredible teachers with passion interest areas to share, maker spaces or places that inspire creativity, or peers that hold the potential to become best best friends, our children have a lot to explore and discover. We can participate and enjoy the discovery process by keeping the dialogue alive about what discoveries are being made. And surely when we attend school events, we can return with much to report about our own discoveries. Keeping a gratitude agenda at dinnertime or whenever your family is together can help keep the exchange of school treasures alive throughout the back to school season.

With our Children: Listening with empathy and reflection can make all the difference in elevating or amplifying treasures that might go unnoticed. As your child is quickly rattling off the events or people encounters of the day, you might reflect back to them what you heard and add in how you see them as potential treasures. “Your teacher greeted you at the door today? I am delighted to hear how glad she was to see you!”

As an educator, the school year feels like a time when we hit the ground running. You may be feeling this sense too. But in reality, the transition from summer to school year doesn’t happen overnight. It is indeed a season in which there’s plenty of time to plant the seeds that will be watered and grown over the coming year. So there’s more we can do but for now, these are plenty to focus on. In part two, we’ll take a look at creating conducive learning spaces at home, sharing hopes and dreams, asking big questions, finding opportunities to play and co-creating rules and routines.

We hope you bask in the glow of these first few days and weeks of school as you appreciate the discovery of treasures in your child, in your school community, and in yourself. May it be a safe, healthy and happy year of learning for all!

Reference:
Denton, Paula & Kriete, Roxanne. (2000). The First Six Weeks of School (2nd Ed.). Turner Falls, MA; Northeast Foundation for Children.


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Posted on August 19, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Coaching your Child through the Back to School Jitters

Everyone has butterflies when they are starting something new. Just make sure you visualize them flying in formation and you’ll be fine. –  Dad

If you are a parent, you are likely in the middle of clothing and supply shopping preparing for the first day of school. Your child may be thinking and even worrying about how they might make new friends, who they will sit with at lunch, and what their teacher will expect of them. There may be more stress around the house as you switch gears from the less scheduled, slower paced summer routines to alarm clocks ringing early, morning rushes to get out of the house on time, new clothing, new teachers, homework, and general exhaustion.

In addition to practical routine changes, you may have your own set of anxieties. For many, work demands increase as fiscal years end in August and begin in September. For fellow educators, we are busy attending or giving professional development courses during the month of August and preparing our classrooms and schools for the students to come. Maybe your child is moving from one school to another. Maybe it’s a major transition year from preschool to kindergarten, elementary to middle or middle to high school. Because the school community is as much a part of your whole family’s life as it is your child’s, parents naturally have their own trepidations about new teachers, principals, parents and friends.

How can parents best help deal with the back to school jitters?

Practice routines and do dry runs in advance. If you are walking to school, try walking a day or two ahead of time without the pressure of needing to get there. Make it fun and stop by the playground and or local ice cream store on your route home. Practice your morning routine in an afternoon before you have to go through it. Try on new clothes, brush teeth, eat breakfast and see if you can make it fun working together to get all you need accomplished. Educators will be practicing routines like getting quiet or putting away supplies in desks at school. Children then know exactly what is expected of them and can go about the routine feeling competent and safe in that knowledge. Why not do the same at home to help your day run smoothly?

Give your child an opportunity to show competence. Engage your child in household jobs or projects. Have them prepare their homework space with the supplies they need. Get them involved in preparations in way that shows they are competent, capable and responsible and that mindset will follow them to school.

Recognize and support your own anxieties. Each time I flew on an airplane this summer, the stewardess walked up to me, made direct eye contact, leaned in and clearly articulated that I must put on the oxygen mask myself before helping my son. “Okay, okay,” I thought. “I get it.” As most moms do, I tend to place my son before myself. Your own stress will impact your entire family and the climate that is felt at home. So do something about your worries. Make written lists if that helps organize your thoughts. Journal to get your feelings down on paper versus allowing those thoughts to stew inside you. Make a date with a friend to remove yourself for an hour or two from the pressures of family life. And when you are in a particularly intense moment of worry or anxiety, visualize your butterflies flying in a calm and coordinated formation.

Be aware small issues may cause big upsets. Emotions may be just below the surface ready to appear when any little issue arises. Be aware that those upsets over small things like a spilled snack are ways of releasing some of the bigger emotions that are welling up inside. Your awareness, added empathy, patience and calm will help redirect children and, indeed, all family members back to focusing on what is important.

Create extra time for quiet and rest both for your child and yourself. Days are particularly busy. Homework for some will begin to be assigned on the first day of school. Be sure and allot time for rest and quiet after school and on the weekends. You may provide an after school snack each day. Sit down with your children and just listen. They may not tell you what happened during the day if you ask a lot of questions. But if there is quiet and you simply listen, they may be more willing to offer up anecdotes from the day. Find opportunities to turn off the screens and just allow for reading or quiet play. The investment in quiet time will pay off during the busy days ahead.

Get outside and exercise. Those jitters bottled up inside don’t know where to go. Be sure and encourage children to run around outside when there is the opportunity. The fresh air and exercise will channel the release of anxieties.

Coach to shift focus. Ask your child to consider the fact that the other children and indeed often teachers too are nervous in those first days of school. If your child tries to make others feel comfortable, make simple connections, and use their empathy and compassion, they just might forget their own worries. At the very least, they will know they are not alone.

Focus on the fun. Because it’s a busy time of year, it’s easy for parents to get caught up in the hussle and bussle and forget to find ways to make back to school time fun. Take a breath and realize your children won’t ever have the opportunity to start first grade again. Make the most of it by appreciating your time together. Find family moments to have fun at dinner or during the usual routines. Turn on some music or buy a special treat for all to enjoy. Savor!

May your back to school experience be joyful for the whole family and may your butterflies fly in formation.

Favorite Back to School Picture Book (for preschool through grade 3):

Penn, Audrey. (2007). The Kissing Hand. Tanglewood Press.

A raccoon Mom and son prepare for him to go to school. She gives him a kiss on his palm. When she’s not with him, he can place the open palm on his cheek and feel her kiss with him.

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Posted on August 14, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Invite to SEL Educators! Fall Call for Articles

Confident Parents, Confident Kids “merits the attention of anyone working in social, emotional and character development who wants a place to send parents for ideas and advice and dialogue.”

– Maurice Elias, Professor of Psychology; Director, Rutgers Social-Emotional and Character Development Lab; Co-Director, Rutgers Collaborative Center for Community-Based Research and Service

Not enough time to contribute to an academic journal but want to write?

Eager to reflect on how what you are learning professionally about advancing children’s social and emotional learning can help your own children?

We hope you’ll consider writing an article for Confident Parents, Confident Kids! We’ve had so many rich, interesting perspectives come from a range of experts who are also parents in the field. So join us!

The site enjoys daily visitors from 152 countries around the world and a follow-ship of more than 24,000. Help initiate important dialogue making the connection between parenting at each age and stage and your children’s (and your own!) social and emotional development. 

If interested, please email confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail.com with the subject line: “Article Idea from an SEL Educator!” Please include your idea (parenting opportunity/challenge), how it connects to a social and emotional skill building opportunity (in your child and yourself!), and the ages/stages of children you are writing about. Also, please include a short bio or resume. All authors must have credentials/experience in education with SEL and be actively parenting in your own home. A diverse range of perspectives is encouraged. Articles must align with the research base.

You can learn more here: https://confidentparentsconfidentkids.org/invitation-for-sel-educators/. All proposed ideas are due by September 5, 2025. We’ll review and get back to you on whether you’ll be published this Fall by September 12, 2025.

We hope you’ll join our parent-led community of practice by contributing! We are so excited to learn from how you are bringing to life the science of social and emotional learning and development to benefit your children in your own personal parenting!

All the best,
Jennifer Miller, M.Ed., Founder and…

Senior Lead Writers: Shannon Wanless, Jason Miller, Jenny Woo, Mike Wilson, Nikkya Hargrove, and Lorea Martinez

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Posted on August 7, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Summer Scraps and Injuries; How to Manage Them as a Parent with Emotional Intelligence

“Are you okay?” I asked as E made a beeline from the outdoors in straight to the upstairs bathroom and shut the door. “No,” he uttered angrily coming out and showing me bloody elbows and knees and scraps up and down the side of his body. It was his first day out of school. And I truly cannot recall one first day out of school when the weather was beautiful and he was free to run outside that he didn’t wind up with at least one scraped knee. Yes, tis the season for “boo-boos”. And for some children, they’ll deal with more serious injuries this summer like concussions, sprains, or fractures.

So how do you manage your own big feelings when your child is in pain? These circumstances test our emotional intelligence because of the mounting emotions we’ll have to confront. After all, we are reacting to our child’s upset which may be expressed in inconsolable crying, yelling, and anger (that could be directed at us), or running away and hiding. We have to cope with our empathy as they endure pain which can be no small feat as we desire their suffering to go away as quickly as possible. We may get squeamish at the sight of blood or have a sense of disgust or revulsion as we view their injury. We may also fear greater internal injuries that we cannot detect on our own so that we have to deal with anxiety and feelings of incompetence when we don’t know what to do.

This seemed an important day for me to consider how we can respond in ways that support our children, acknowledge their big feelings, and deal with our own in constructive ways. Here are a few well-considered tips.

Prepare.

Before your child comes to you with her first scraped knee, make it a start of summer ritual to stock up on first aid supplies. I carry band-aids in my purse everywhere I go. And I’ve helped out other parents in the grocery store, in the park. When a child needs a band-aid, they really need one. Don’t mess with feeling helpless and unprepared. My favorite supplies to keep on hand are: band-aids of all sizes, foaming anti-bacterial solution (it goes on fast and easy), cut strips of clean, soft t-shirts (thank you for this, Mema) to use to clean wounds or as flexible wraps, surgical tape so that it doesn’t hurt badly when you remove it (drug stores have this), ice packs, and popsicles. It’s nice to have a ritual that if you get injured, a cold popsicle always helps a child feel better. 

Why does this all help with your emotional intelligence, you ask? Because you have no control over when and where injuries take place, this will help you feel more competent and ready so that you can take action and not feel helpless.

Clear your schedule.

Injuries, even if just a scraped knee, take your time and attention. A work conference call, a haircut appointment, or a lunch date cannot compare – in the big scheme of things – to taking care of your hurting child when they need you. Time pressures wear away at our patience and add a layer of anxiety to an already charged moment. So remove the time commitment so that you can focus your attention on your child.

Remember to breathe.

There’s typically a time when a parent is sitting and waiting. Whether a child is crying hysterically or shut inside her room or turned away and refusing treatment, there’s waiting time involved with children’s hurts. Use those times to deep breathe. This will prepare your mind and body to respond in the way you most want to respond — with empathy and compassion.

Acknowledge and accept feelings.

It can be tempting – particularly in a sports’ setting – to utter words like, “you’re fine,” “power through,” or “stay in the game,” – when you are not sure the degree to which your child is genuinely hurt though you see him crying or wincing in pain. After all, it’s likely this is how you were coached or parented as a kid so it can become a reflexive response. In addition, you may have a hidden (or not-so-hidden) fear that acknowledging a child’s feelings might encourage the child to seek sympathy or over-emphasize their hurts. In fact, that is a fallacy. The opposite is true. When we ignore or downplay our children’s feelings, they come back stronger in order to get your attention. Their upset wasn’t good enough the first time so in order to prove it to you, they have to up the emotional ante. 

Use your own inner coach in these situations. Breathe first and think “what’s my best response?” Then, acknowledge and accept what they are expressing or what you are observing they are feeling. “It looks like you are really hurt. I’m here to help.” This simple comforting statement will offer your child acceptance. You understand. And you are there for them.

Manage your own reactions. 

If you are indeed feeling disgusted or appalled or terrified by a child’s injury, there’s no way to bury those big feelings nor should you be expected to. But become aware of your big feelings and do something about them. Put your hand on your heart and attempt to slow it down. Stepping aside and taking a few deep breaths or intentionally relaxing your tense body before addressing a crying child can help you respond in a more effective, calming manner which, in turn, will better support your child through the pain.

Wait for consent to treat.

Your child may just refuse to have a wound cleaned for fear it will cause additional pain, as mine did. After you’ve let your child know that it’s necessary to clean it first or it can get infected, you may need to give him time. No need to nag, insist, or force the issue. Being compassionately clear that you cannot move on until you treat the wound is enough. Eventually, your child will consent. Bravery takes time. Be sure and allow your child the time he needs to agree to treat his wound. Of course, in an emergency, you would indeed rush to treat and not offer a choice. But with everyday cuts and scrapes, it gives a child a chance to practice self-management skills, caring for and giving permission with their own body, and handling their emotions with courage if we allow for it.

When in doubt, check it out.

Perhaps you’ve treated the scraps but you see bruising emerging which could indicate an internal injury. When in doubt, check it out. Call your pediatrician triage line and talk with the nurse on call. If you don’t, you risk greater problems down the line so why not take care of it on the day of the injury? If you have questions you might want to research first, check out the site, Kids Health: https://kidshealth.org.

Distract! And offer comfort.

Throw a bag together before leaving for the doctor with some favorite books or card games. Joke books, Seek and Finds, “Would You Rather,” and other puzzle books can be helpful. For young children, pack favorite comfort items like a beloved stuffed friend, blanket and book. And yes, for school age and up, this is the ideal time to use handheld media to help your child through a tough time. Waiting while a child is in pain can be challenging so have some distractions on hand to help get through those time periods.

Children learn to self-soothe by first, watching how we help them feel better. So after the wounds have been cleaned and bandaids carefully placed, how can you offer a quiet, soothing activity in which they can return to feeling better? Can they snuggle up with a bear, pillow, or blanket? Can you read a comforting storybook together? This will help both you and your child transition back to feeling better.

Tell the story.

Reflect together with loved ones on the surrounding events and recount how the injury happened including the feelings’ journey you’re child took. “I felt so hurt, then scared, then relieved.” This offers your child invaluable practice with discussing the difficult pains in life to help learn the lessons involved, process the feelings experienced, and also solidify the memory that he endured pain and survived.

Fortunately, my son was back up and running outside the very next day and though he had moments of pain, he was healing quickly. Summer injuries can test our patience and ability to show compassion at a time when our child most needs it. But with a little forethought, you’ll get through feeling competent, modeling ways to react to the pain that maximize your ability to support your child and help all feel better.

* This article was authentically researched by the author as she endured a basketball bouncing full force into her nose mere days before publication experiencing her own injury and offering greater empathy for her son — challenging her once again to react with emotional intelligence. Ouch! 

Originally published June, 2020.

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Posted on July 29, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Introducing the Harmony at Home App – Looking for First Testers!

For Parents of Children Ages 4-7

Last November, I travelled to San Diego to meet with technology experts and designers, children’s entertainment experts, animators, child educators, and more to envision a unique application for co-use between parents and children, ages 4-7. Convened by National University and Harmony Academy, we came together to ask the big question:

How could we design an app that would foster deeper family connections, help parents build essential skills in their kids, and promote healthy habits? 

Leonard Bernstein said, “To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.” We created a plan with not quite enough time. And through a highly collaborative process, we are putting out an app we hope will make a difference in the lives of families. I’ve been honored to serve as the child development expert and lead content developer. 

Now we need testers! 

  • Are you a parent of a child ages 4-7? 
  • Be the first to try this innovative app free! 
  • Get early access to playful, research-backed tools for your family.
  • Help shape a product that support families like yours.
  • Enjoy simple meaningful ways to connect with your kids.

If you are interested in being an early tester, fill out this quick form and register here. (Available on iOS and Android).

What’s In the App?

Join Harmony’s main characters including Z (from outer space!) and the Clubhouse Friends for adventures and skill building. Features of the app include:

Daily Practices – Build collaborative routines with short, guided moments for calm and connection.

Family Goal-setting – Set and celebrate shared goals with simple prompts.

Skill Builders – Grow alongside your kids with science-backed tips and videos on topics such as, setting healthy boundaries, promoting resilience, and learning about how to influence children’s motivation and positive behaviors.

Do Togethers – Enjoy hands-on, real world activities with your child.

Conversation Starters – Spark real, meaningful talks anytime.

Animated Storybooks – Watch and explore big ideas through kid-friendly stories.

In-App Journal & Daily Notes – Create drawings and write down insights and memories to keep and share! 

This app is one-of-a-kind because a.) it’s all science-based; b.) it’s designed for interaction between the parent and child; and c.) it’s designed to empower parents with activities so that you can put the phone down and do them together!

Want a sneak peek? Watch this short demo video.

If you are interested in being an early tester, fill out this quick form and register here. (Available on iOS and Android).

Big thank yous to our sponsor National University and Harmony Academy and the development teams including SEL Consulting Collaborative, CreatorUp, and FYC Labs.

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Posted on July 24, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Teaching Kids about their Inner Dragons; From Shaming Actions to Becoming Curious

By Anna Purpero

Just this afternoon, during an intense spaceship-building session, my sons readied their cardboard shields to defend against any Squishmallow villains brave enough to enter. It was one of those moments that made me pause my laundry-folding to enjoy their imaginative play— until it wasn’t. A disagreement escalated into Brother one launching said cardboard shield directly into Brother two’s forehead. Devastated to see how his impulse had hurt his best friend, Brother one looked at me wide-eyed: “My Dragon! My Dragon part!” When I rushed to console the injured one, the guilty brother ran upstairs. 

To some, the tension in the story may be that a culpable child is quick to shift blame to an imaginary Dragon instead of taking responsibility. But because of the self-awareness work we’ve done as a family, I saw something different: a child recognizing the part of him that lashes out when he feels unheard. Though it wasn’t enough to stop the harm, naming the anger behind the impulse is the first step toward accountability.  

Understanding Internal Family Systems

In 2022, I began working with a Certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist (visit the IFS Institute to learn more about this non-pathologizing model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz), and in our sessions, I began discovering “parts” of my mind, each with its own patterns, protective instincts, and deeply held beliefs. Some parts react impulsively to perceived threats, while others work behind the scenes to manage stress or avoid discomfort. 

For example, in reaction to the chaos of sibling rivalry, a part of me often defaults to angry lectures instead of responding with calm boundaries and guidance. Through IFS, I learned that that particular part has been trying to protect me from the overwhelm of chaos since childhood.  Approaching these reactive parts with curiosity and compassion creates space for healing and showing up differently for children.

At the core of IFS is the idea that listening to these inner protectors will slowly reveal who we are when they’re able to relax. What’s beneath is a truer, deeper Self that is not damaged or devious, but inherently good and divinely connected. It is calm, creative, and courageous, and even kids can begin learning to access it.

Meeting Our “Friends Inside”

As I learned to recognize and befriend my own parts, I began seeing everyone else through that lens, including kids, so I researched how IFS practitioners were working with children in therapy and school settings. When I introduced more lighthearted IFS language to my own kids, it was fascinating how quickly they could identify and describe their own developing parts, like the one desperate to be our family’s Uno Champion — pleasure to meet you, Mr. Rhino! 

Co-creating their “friends inside” became a lighthearted, connective way to explore emotions and navigate conflict. It even led me to write My Friends Inside, a picture book introducing a lively crew of inner protectors who sometimes get the protagonist into trouble. This lighthearted framework reminds children that every part of them deserves curiosity and compassion, and in the protagonist’s responses, he models the messages those friends inside may need to hear. 

Modeling Self-Awareness for Our Kids

Self-awareness is foundational for building emotional regulation, decision-making, and healthy relationships. Children develop these skills partly by watching the adults around them. When parents model their own work cultivating self-awareness in their emotional patterns, they normalize what it looks like to be fully human and take the shame out of overwhelming emotions.

For example, in those charged-up hours after school, I often feel my own frustration rising. Instead of snapping, I might say, 

“Whoa, I feel kind of hot, and my Volcano part really wants to yell. I wonder what’s going on? Maybe this is too much noise for me, so I’m going to go upstairs for two minutes and take some breaths. Be right back.” 

It usually gets their attention, but I know they prefer that to the lava explosion. This models self-awareness and normalizes the idea that emotions start in the body. Kids won’t always be able to control their impulses, but they can begin to recognize how emotions arise and approach their choices with curiosity. Over time, they build the ability to respond from a more regulated place.

Even though we won’t always get it right, every moment of self-awareness, every pause before reacting, and every time we replace shame with curiosity, we help a child build a foundation for lifelong emotional resilience.

Guiding Kids Toward Self-Reflection and Repair

Once my injured son settled down, I gave him an art project and headed upstairs to visit brother 1. He was playing with stuffed animals, evidence that he may have cooled down and be open to a conversation. 

IFS has given our family a framework to reflect on our choices with curiosity and compassion. Our creative and lighthearted response to the concepts of IFS, our Friends Inside, allows us to explore together what went wrong, and with the courage within, how to make it right. When guiding kids through self-reflection and repair, I might: 

  • Ask non-judgmental questions: What happened downstairs? What do you think Dragon was trying to say? What set him off?
  • Share a personal story about when my own Volcano Inside lost control and how I made things right afterward.  
  • Offer or brainstorm strategies to pause and notice their inner friend before reacting.  
  • Help them brainstorm a message for that inner friend—one that comes from their best and wisest Self.  
  • After offering empathy, set a clear boundary: If this happens again, or if it seems this is about to happen, here’s what I will do.
  • Above all, listen. When kids can share freely without our lectures or shut-downs, they often know exactly what happened and what to do next.  

The Power of Our Own Inner Work

Children deserve the best we have to give, but a lot gets in the way of us showing up as the sturdy and empathetic leader they need. Even though we won’t always get it right, every moment of self-awareness, every pause before reacting, and every time we replace shame with curiosity, we help a child build a foundation for lifelong emotional resilience.

May we have the courage to do our part. 

Check out Anna’s new picture book:

My Friends Inside

Resources

“Evolution of The Internal Family Systems Model” by Dr. Richard Schwartz, Ph. D. IFS Institute.

No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard C. Schwartz, Ph. D

Internal Family Systems Therapy with Children by Lisa Spiegel, MA, LMHC

Self-Led: Living a Connected Life with Yourself and With Others by Seth Kopald, PhD

Anna Purpero is an educator and children’s book author located in Columbus, OH with her partner, Jordan, and two sons (ages 4 and 6). She draws inspiration from her former high school Language Arts students and the teens from Paper City Mentoring Project, a nonprofit she cofounded and served as Executive Director. She is pursuing a certification in Social Emotional Learning from Fresno Pacific University and hopes to use experiential learning to help children develop self-awareness and emotional resilience. Her debut picture book, My Friends Inside, is available now! 

Social media, purchasing links, and free printables here:

http://linktr.ee/annapurpero

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Posted on July 17, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

No More Blame Game – How to Take and Teach Responsibility When You Disagree

“You said I could go out with friends. It’s your fault I didn’t have time to do my homework,” says Ava, your fifteen-year-old, with heat and sincerity after she received a zero on her homework assignment. Next, your partner chimes in, “yes, you did let her go out with her friends,” with a tone of scold in his voice. All of a sudden, you feel the pointer fingers from both directions. “It’s not my homework!” you think and your heat begins to rise with the injustice of it all. You’ve been caught in the blame game. But you don’t want to play. How do you get out of that discussion preserving your own dignity and honoring the truth of the situation without pointing fingers right back at your daughter and spouse? How do you open the door to each member taking responsibility for their role in the problem? And how do you remove the blame game from family conflicts to argue in fair ways?

“You always… you never… it’s because of you that…” are all kindling that add to the fire of upset. Though it’s easy to look outside of ourselves for a reason things are going wrong — for failing, or for messing things up — looking to others prevents us from looking within. Yet, it’s our first instinct to place blame outside of ourselves beginning in early childhood. At ages five and six, children are learning the rules of school and social behavior. That is a time when they begin to tattle on others who break the rules. Developmentally, this is how a five or six-year-old learns about what is right and wrong, by pointing out and enforcing rules in others first. They then begin to internalize those rules for themselves and can call upon that inner compass to direct them as they grow and face challenges. But we are capable of learning to take responsibility and inviting others to do the same without pointing fingers and placing blame. Our children are capable too. But it will require our modeling and intentional practice. And family life – rife with conflict – is the perfect place for them to learn it.

Learning healthy, constructive, assertive (non-aggressive) ways to talk about problems when there is a conflict is key. Marshall Rosenberg, author of multiple books on nonviolent communication, clinical psychologist and one of the world’s top thought leaders on nonviolent communication, suggests that we begin with observing others. He offers a four step process (I added a fifth) for communicating with empathy in a conflict so as not to do harm. Parents can model these steps and offer practice with their children. Below are the Miller/Rosenberg’s five steps with some of my family life and developmental adaptations. 

Consider your own defensive stance in a conflict. Read through these steps and feel the sensation of how you might experience each of these if you were approached on a controversial subject in this way. Does your heart stay open? Does your mind stay open? If so, this is how we keep our loved ones engaged in working together through the problem. Accuse, blame, criticize – and all systems – heart, mind, will – shut down. When facing a conflict with family members including children or teens…

  1. Pause

If you are in a conflict with a child or family member, you are likely upset, frustrated, or angry. You are likely feeling some heated emotion in which if you respond quickly, you’re more likely to blame, judge, or criticize. So stop. Put your hand on your heart. Breathe. Wait until you can feel your heart rate come down a little bit. When feeling ready to proceed with a grounded tone…

2. Observe and Share.

Though Rosenberg suggests observing first, as parents, we need to stop and take a pause in order to become intentional and not reactive. Then consider:

What do I observe – see, feel, experience – that is not contributing to my well-being or my child’s well-being?

If you are communicating with or to a child, you might say, 

“I observe that the choice to be out with friends did not allow you enough time to do homework and that is not contributing to your well-being.”

2. Articulate Feelings.

Next, share what you are observing of their heart in that moment. This creates an empathetic stance in which you are working to understand, accept, and normalize their feelings with the knowledge that all feelings are acceptable (it’s how we act on them that we may or may not be acceptable).

“You seem to be feeling frustrated and maybe unfairly judged by your teacher and unfairly guided by me. Is that right?”

This statement does not say you unfairly guided your daughter but only that she may feel unfairly guided her. It’s a subtle but important difference in your mindset as you approach her. Your only goal here is articulating feelings. Then, be sure to share your own and if your partner is involved, give him the space to share his too.

“I felt frustrated too that I tried to allow you the time you wanted with friends but had no idea how much work you had to accomplish.”

3. Articulate Needs.

After articulating feelings, highlight the needs that the feelings are calling to the fore. She’s frustrated because her needs aren’t getting met. Finding out what those needs or values are is key. And well-articulating them helps her put into words what she may not be fully aware of but feels deeply. So you might say,

“You feel frustrated because your time with friends is super important to you and not something you want to skip because you have a lot of homework.”

When articulating her needs, it’s not time to judge those needs. Needs are needs. You cannot change what she feels because of those unmet needs. So it might be easy to slip here and say something like, “but you know homework is the most important thing.” Don’t do it. We are keeping her open mind and heart in this conversation. Next, you’ll pivot toward her learning about responsible decision-making.

Your needs count in this scenario too — and your partner’s. So you might say,

“My need is to help you prioritize your time and get your needs met which includes valuable friend time and enough time to get homework accomplished.”

4. Make Requests and Consider Options.

Now it’s time to directly communicate your request, or the concrete actions you would like taken. In this example, she has already done some damage. So it’s time to repair harm. You might say,

“What can you do now to make this better with your teacher?” 

Spend a little time together problem-solving through how she might approach her teacher (email, in person?) and what she could ask for in order to make up the work she missed. Her teacher may say she has to live with the zero and that’s a tough but real consequence. It’s important to take the time to address the blaming that went on as well.

“Next time, how can we each take responsibility for our own feelings, needs and role in the situation without pointing fingers?”

And finally, be sure that you reflect on the bigger lesson of the situation — how your daughter prioritizes her time and makes responsible decisions.

“Your schooling is top priority. But we also know that time with friends is essential to your well-being. How could we have looked at both of those needs and found times for both over the course of the week instead of competing for the same afternoon?”

After reading this five-step process, you might reflect that this sounds like a lot of work. And in truth, communicating in assertive, nonviolent ways that preserve the dignity of each participant in a conflict does take work. But, like any habit, it gets easier with practice. And the reward is truly great. This is how you teach your child or teen to communicate in ways that do no harm and make responsible decisions. This is how you model communication that will help your child navigate conflict in any circumstance they find themselves in. 

Our habits in responding to conflict are first learned and rehearsed at home. So practicing these communication steps is an essential step in preparing your child for their relationships at school, in the community and will serve their well-being in their future lives. 

To learn more, check out:

Living Nonviolent Communication; Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD., 2012, Boulder, CO: Sounds True.

Originally published on CPCK on 2/6/25.

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Posted on July 3, 2025 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

What It Means to Live Democracy in Our Family Life

We are hustling this week to get my son’s suit pressed and ready. He’s headed to the State Capitol to propose new legislation in a mock state government experience. This year, he co-wrote a bill focused on the use of artificial intelligence in health care. Last year, his bill actually passed through the state legislature and is now on the books for Ohio schools. He is excited and motivated by this experience of leadership, coming together with students from schools around the state and thinking through the most significant and pressing issues of our time and how state government should play a role through policy. Last night at dinner, I asked, “do you feel like you understand the fundamentals of democracy?” I wondered too about my own role and responsibility as a parent and educator. “What do I need to be teaching and modeling with my family?”

Democracy is not just a professed value and coveted American ideal. It’s also a prescription set forth by the United Nations as a global core value and governmental structure that promotes “human rights, development, peace, and security.”1 The United Nations works globally with decolonized countries to help them become “self-determined” finding their agency as a country. The word democracy simply means “rule by the people.”2 But are we teaching our children enough about what a democracy is? And more importantly, are we teaching them how they can play a role in giving life to our democracy?

Schools play a key role but are too often blamed for causing our nation’s problems. There are numerous ways we can improve our civic and citizenship education in schools. But we all share responsibility. We, as families, also have an important role to play ourselves. An article in Ed Week sums up the identity crisis we are facing as a nation:

Civic knowledge is important. But the crisis we are facing is not fundamentally a knowledge problem. It is a soul problem. As John Dewey reminded us over a century ago, democracy is not merely a set of rules to be followed but rather a form of “associated living”—the embodiment of the commitment we make to build a world in relation with each other. 3

Surveys have shown that youth ages 12 to 17 are hopeful about their future but pessimistic about the state of the country and disengaged with classroom instruction that does not acknowledge a world on fire.4 And in fact, there’s strong unity among parents from across political views and parties with 83% of parents surveyed believing that the federal government should prioritize policies that benefit young people. Yet, 61% of parents across parties believe their voice does not matter in policy decisions.5

So what are the ways in which we can teach the fundamentals of democracy at home? And how can that help us not only feel a sense of agency but also, raise our voices in policy decision-making? First, understanding the core principles and virtues of democracy helps us live them.

The following are from The Bill of Rights Institute.

Core Principles of Democracy:

  • Natural Rights – Rights that belong to humans by nature and can only be justly taken away through due process (following established legal procedures and respecting fundamental rights) such as, life, liberty, and property.
  • Liberty – The agency to think and act without restraint except for laws of nature or interfering with someone else’s rights.
  • Consent – The power of government comes from the people with free and fair elections accessible by all age-eligible citizens.
  • Freedom – The Bill of Rights protects citizens’ rights including freedom of religion, private property, and speech.
  • Justice – A political system that protects the rights of all equally and treats everyone equally under the law.
  • Equality – All individuals have the same claim as humans to natural rights and treatment under the law.

Virtues of Democracy:

  • Courage – To stand firm and take constructive action as a person of character and do what is right, especially when it is unpopular or puts a person at risk. 
  • Justice – Upholding the dignity of all and respecting what is fair and right. 
  • Respect – Defending equal rights and the inherent dignity of all human beings.
  • Responsibility – Acting on fair and sound judgment to preserve the liberty and dignity of self and others even when it is unpopular or puts a person at risk. Taking care of self, family, community and fellow citizens to preserve a civil society.

These are high ideals that we strive for in our schools, communities, courts, and nation.  Perhaps one of the hardest aspects of these principles is the fact that if the government is going to represent all people then all people need to participate. Here are a few ways in which we can begin to live democracy with our families to enact the principles in our own lives.

Listen with Curiosity and Preserve Dignity with Divergent Views. We have to be able to listen and learn from one another. We have to be able to open our minds and hearts to a range of views if we are to preserve the dignity of all. In a recent workshop with a local high school, a diverse range of parents listened with empathy to one another’s pain points and worries about their students without trying to fix the situation or judge either. This simple act of empathetic listening was deeply powerful and people left inspired and wanting more. We can learn to listen with empathy even when we disagree demonstrating through our receptiveness. Being receptive and empathetic does not indicate agreement – we can still believe what we believe – but merely care. 

Learn to Use Nonviolent Communication. Even and especially when a family member has a high level of anxiety or fear, using nonviolent communication strategies can focus on the person’s feelings and needs and not on any specific thing they are saying. Irrational words and actions often come from a place of fear. Instead of contradicting those words, you can practice asking about and reflecting back their feelings and also, inquiring about their needs. Finding ways in which to meet emotional needs is key to everyone feeling safe. For more on nonviolent communication in family life, check out this post.

Share Power. Use “power with” strategies instead of “power over” strategies with intention, learning and practice since it is not a natural tendency for most parents. Yet power struggles never end up teaching what we want to teach. Powering over our children’s ideas and actions sends a message that we do not have faith or confidence in their ability to self-manage. When you feel yourself moving into a power struggle (forcing a situation), pause, step back, and reflect. Instead, ask: How can I choose not to wrestle with power but instead empower and create an opportunity for taking responsibility at an age appropriate level? It can be extremely challenging! But your effort will result in a child or teen who understands how to share power. And that lessen will last a lifetime. Need support? Check out Susan Stiffelman’s excellent book on the topic, Parenting Without Power Struggles; Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids while Staying Cool, Calm, and Connected.

Participate Together. Go to the voting booth together as a family. Include your children and show them what you are doing as you vote. If you prepare for voting by reading about the candidates, show your family what you read and how you become informed. Do you participate in any service or volunteering in your community? Involve your children! Their participation in meeting community members and interacting with people – especially those who need help or have far less than they do – will become an unforgettable and eye-opening experience. Do you write letters to your representatives? Going on a march? Involve family members.

Keep an Ethics Dialogue Going. You’ve likely learned by now that our children’s brain wiring doesn’t fully mature in the area of consequential thinking and responsible decision-making until their mid-twenties. That means that the particular high order thinking skill involved requires a lot of connection-making practice. You can help facilitate that practice simply by raising and discussing ethical dilemmas in your own social circle or on the national scene. We discussed one just today as we saw the cover of Time Magazine and asked the questions: if scientists are capable of reestablishing a species that has been extinct for 10,000 years, is it responsible to do so? Just because we can, does that mean we should? What ripple effect consequences might occur in nature (Jurassic Park?) as a result of introducing a new species into the wild? It seems there are daily topics in the news that are fodder for ethical questioning and consideration. Take advantage and think through your ideas and questions – knowing that there are no “right” answers – with your family.

Make Just Decisions with Courage. If you go along with social expectations and the popular view every time, what will your children learn? There will be a time when the popular view or your community’s expectations differ from what you know in your heart is fair and just. If you don’t make a courageous decision on the side of justice, how will your children ever know how and when it’s right to take a stand? Discuss what values you stand for most in your family life and be sure that your family’s decisions align with those values.

Keep Learning! Our democracy is tremendously complex at each level – local, state and federal. In addition, our history in forming and fighting for our democracy is tremendously complex. So keep on learning – and do the learning with your children. For example, did you know that the core principles of democracy came originally from the Iroquois Confederacy and their Great Law of Peace? Check out the video below to learn more.

Democracy fails when we give away our sense of agency. And it’s not to be taken for granted. It takes work and it takes everyone. There are numerous ways to participate. Perhaps the most revolutionary act is raising the next generation of responsible citizens in your own home. What if we all took that responsibility to heart and did all we can? 

Resources:

Printable Founding Democratic Principles and Virtues – The Bill of Rights Institute:

– for Grade School Students

– for Middle and High School Students

Untold History: Iroquois Confederacy: The Birth of Democracy

Want to check yourself as you communicate with others and their differing views? Or want to check speeches or written documents? Check out The Dignity Index. The Dignity Index is an eight-point scale that scores speech along a continuum from contempt to dignity in as unbiased a manner as possible. By focusing on the sound bites, not the people behind them, the Index attempts to stay true to its own animating spirit: that everyone deserves dignity.

References:

United Nations. Global Issues: Democracy. Retrieved at https://www.un.org/en/global-issues/democracy on April 9, 2025.

Civic Education. The Concepts and Fundamental Principles of Democracy. Retrieved at https://www.civiced.org/pdfs/books/ElementsOfDemocracy/Elements_Subsection3.pdf on April 9, 2025.

Mirra, N. & Garcia, A. (2024). Schools are often blamed for floundering democracy. It’s not that simple. 3 urgent steps to overhaul civics education. Ed Week. Nov. 5.

Miller, C.C. (2024). Today’s Teenagers: Anxious about their Futures and Disillusioned by Politicians. The New York Times.

Lake, C., Snell, A., Gormley, C., Vinyard, I., Gillett, M., Anderson, K. S., O’Neil, E., Alles, D., Collins Coleman, E., & Robb, M. (2025). The state of kids and families in America, 2025. Common Sense Media.

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Spring Teaches Us Presence
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