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Posted on February 10, 2022 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

How Can We Disagree with Family and Friends While Sustaining and Growing Strong Relationships?

By Mike Wilson, Confident Parents Lead Team Writer

History tells us there are critical events which alter what we once thought of as our “normal” way of life. Normalcy is what we are used to and creates our comfort zone.  However, we now live in some very complicated times.  It seems that since Covid-19 hit in 2020, it created a storm of unknowns that shook our normalcy. Additionally, the effects of political commentaries on issues such as the social justice movement, policing, elections, the events of January 6th and biased news outlets have popularized opinions that have created divisions among us. As a result, our conversations have shifted from “I have my rational opinions on fixed topics” to “I have an emotional response to changing, uncertain topics.”

Expressing personal thoughts on our current reality can be complicated. This is especially true when conversing with family and friends. The consequence of sharing our feelings with individuals we are not emotionally close to frequently does not result in a sense of loss. Yet, the outcome of tense discussions with family and friends is different. With these people, there exists strong emotional ties and a back history of shared experiences which have linked us together. Family and friends are people with whom we have established long-term relationships. Consequently, disagreements can create a devastating emotional response. Debates in these types of relationships can create a situation where the discussion becomes heated with each person stating justifications for their opinions and adopting an unwillingness to concede. The conversation becomes a tug of war of beliefs as opposed to a conversation based on facts and evidence. The result can involve each person becoming defensive and feeling as if the other person is trying to put them on the spot.

Because of previous discussions my two teenage daughters have shared with me regarding difficult conversations they’ve had with some of their friends, we came up with strategies they could use to handle disagreements. They attend a school in which the majority of the student population has similar opinions on current events which, in many cases, meant their friends’ thoughts differed from the opinions of my girls. So, during these discussions, several of their friends just assumed my daughters thought the same way as they do. My kids come from a household where we are open to all types of diverse dialogue and thoughts. Even if we disagree, we talk it out and move on.  However, when somewhat controversial topics with their friends come up, my daughters’ initial reaction was to just smile and say nothing. Then when they got home (their safe zone), they would share the conversations with me.  My response was that their approach works but when you don’t share how you feel, your friends really never get to know the real you.  So, as we continued to talk about it, we brainstormed some non-threatening ways to share their opinions. That’s how the following list of strategies came about.  For example, the strategy they’ve found the most useful is: “That’s an interesting point and in my opinion…” If the person wants to argue about it, they simply say that we can agree to disagree, and they move on. They also try not to talk about politicians or use names of individuals because the conversation becomes personal. Instead they focus more on the impact of policies and try to keep the discussion open-ended. 

The following are simple strategies we can use when disagreeing with family and friends while sustaining a positive relationship.

Accept the other person’s personality type. 

When interacting with friends and family you know in advance if they are argumentative, passive, sensitive or open to divergent views. As a result, you should know how they will respond to opposing beliefs.

Listen to the other person’s entire thought.  

Don’t interrupt no matter how much you disagree. 

Validate.

Once the person has finished talking, use validating terms such as, “I know many people feel the same way” or “that’s an interesting point.”

Avoid judgment.

Don’t use judgment phrases like “you are…” or “people like you…”

Own your response.

When responding, use I-statements” such as “I think…” and “In my opinion…”

Try not to take it personally.

Although individual thoughts are based on opinion, remember you are expressing your point of view and not trying to change the opinion of another. 

Agree to disagree.

You don’t have to work to find an agreement in order to end a conversation in a satisfying way. Instead, it’s important to accept that close friends or family might continue to hold differing opinions. You can hold that difference and even tension that might go with it and still show care and respect for one another.

Having honest and meaningful conversations with family and friends is essential in strengthening our relationships. Through dialogue, we learn about the thoughts, feelings and interests of other people. However, holding opposing viewpoints can cause conflict. What we must remember is that family and friends are part of our support system. As a result, maintaining positive relationships with these key individuals is more important than any opinion regarding a current issue. 

Author Mike Wilson is the Outreach Coordinator for Harris County Department of Education, CASE Program and host the Making After School Cool podcast. Mike is the father of two teenage daughters in Houston, TX. Check out the Making After School Cool Podcast at https://case4kids.podbean.com.

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Posted on February 3, 2022 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Listening To and Learning from Kids for 75 Years

Check out my conversation with Editor-In-Chief Christine French Cully!

This week, I had the honor of talking with a friend and collaborator, the Editor-In-Chief of Highlights for Children, Christine French Cully. There was much to discuss since she just worked with her team to publish a compendium of letters that have been written and illustrated by children readers over 75 years. And most incredibly, Highlight’s staff including Christine have responded to every single letter. Children wrote about their highest hopes and their greatest worries. And Highlights listened and responded.

I often hope for my own child that he is growing to learn that the world is a friendly, inherently beautiful and good place where people care. During the pandemic, this notion has become strained and I have worried that children and teens are learning the opposite – that others are unsafe and not to be trusted. This only deepens my certainty that the very act of listening and learning from children who we don’t know or engage with everyday is an act of serving the world in a significant way. So when I say it’s an honor to talk to someone who listens to children for a living, it’s truly an honor.

Here’s our conversation. Enjoy! And be sure and check out this gorgeous book of children’s expressions and adults listening and learning.

Learn more about the book here: "Dear Highlights; What Adults Can Learn from 75 Years of Letters and Conversations with Kids". Sold on Amazon or wherever you buy books!

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Posted on January 25, 2022 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Introducing…The NEW Confident Parents Lead Writing Team!

In this tenth year of the Confident Parents, Confident Kids blog, we are celebrating by elevating voices in our diverse community of learning parents. A small group of expert professionals who also deeply reflect on their own parenting are coming together to co-create the present and future of Confident Parents, Confident Kids! And you recall what Margaret Mead said about small groups – with social purpose, great vision and intention – they can change the world. But the only way for a small group to change the world is through ripples – through connections and co-creations with other learning communities who are equally passionate and committed to confident parenting. That’s where you come in. Join us, won’t you? 

Each of our new Confident Parents Lead Writing Team members (long-time change-makers and contributors here) have responded to the simple questions:

What is the purpose of parenting? What does it mean to be a confident parent?

And we want to pose those to you as well. What is your parenting purpose statement? The start of the year after several years of particularly challenging times could just be THE moment to proclaim what you stand for. What are you about? What gives your life meaning? Here’s your chance. Write in and share your thoughts in the comments section or email confidentparentsconfidentkids@gmail. We’ll be eagerly waiting to grow our collective wisdom together. After all, confident parents learn from one another and grow stronger together. 

Here are the responses from our new Confident Parents Lead Writing Team!

Nikka Hargrove’s Parenting Statement

When I committed to adopting my son is when I decided to become a parent. It was a choice I made to be there for another human being, to mother him, and provide for him in all of the ways he needed but more so, in all of the ways I felt I was not provided for as a child. For me, parenting is the hardest job I’ve ever done. Today, I am the mother of three and give them what I can of me, even the broken parts. In other words, I bring all of me to the proverbial parenting table. They’ve seen me cry and doubt myself. They’ve heard me talk about my hips (yes, the ones I am still growing to love), and they’ve heard me argue with their mama (we are a two-mom household). I’ve learned over the years that parenting isn’t one of those gigs where I can say it’s “all or nothing” because it’s everything. It is not meant to be done alone or in a silo. It is here, in this everything space and with the community I’ve built for my family, that I continue to grow my confidence as a parent. As a parent, I make mistakes, and I must keep going. I must admit to those mistakes and relish in the times when I get it right – whatever that means for whatever situation we are in. The dreams and hopes I have for my kids are just that, mine. I will influence who they are and who they will become by being there: emotionally, physically, and in all of the different ways the three of them will need me as they grow into who they are meant to be.

Nikkya Hargrove is a writer for Scary Mommy and has written for the The New York Times, The Guardian, The Washington Post, Taproot Magazine, Elle, and more. Her memoir, Mama: A Black, Queer Woman’s Journey to Motherhood, is forthcoming from Algonquin Books. She lives in Connecticut and is a parent to one teen son and two young daughters.

Lorea Martinez’s Parenting Statement

“Once I was a perfect parent. Then, I had children. The end.” – Anonymous

The purpose of parenting is to help your children become the best version of themselves. It is not to change them or tell them where to go, but to nurture their minds, hearts and souls so that they can find their voice and place in this world. Confident parenting is being there for our children as a guide, mentor and coach, to let them feel all the feelings and experience life as it is. Confident parenting is to help your children discover who they are and how they want to contribute to make this world a better place. When we parent with confidence, we do it from a place of love and courage. To be a confident parent is to find the light in darkness, and help our children do the same. 

Lorea Martinez is the award-winning founder of HEART in Mind Consulting dedicated to helping schools and organizations integrate Social and Emotional Learning as well as author of the book “Teaching with the Heart in Mind.” She lives in Northern California with her husband and two daughters.

Jason Miller’s Parenting Statement

The purpose of parenting is to create a safe, supportive, and nurturing environment for the healthy growth and development of a family’s physical, mental, social, emotional, and spiritual well-being.  A confident parent is one who is able to successfully fulfill their role by modeling and prioritizing a humble, self-reflective, continuous learning practice for themselves and for their family as a whole.  A purposeful parent is confident; a confident parent is purposeful.

Jason Miller has over twenty-five years of experience as an Organizational Development and Operations leader, coach, and consultant with his own business, Inner Sound and serves on the leadership and faculty team of the Hudson Institute of Coaching. He lives in Ohio is a parent of one teenage son (and husband of founder Jennifer Miller).

Shannon Wanless’s Parenting Statement

I see the purpose of parenting as being a steady and solid rock for my children as they get to know themselves and decide how they will be in this world. That means offering unconditional love, assurance, a feeling of belonging, and a family identity for them to feel grounded in. People talk about your family as your “roots” and that feels so fitting for my definition of parenting. If I picture my children as trees, I hope to be the strong root system so there is an unwavering base and they feel like they have a lot of room to grow in a different direction if they choose, without fear of ever completely falling down.  

I have never considered myself to be a confident parent, which is funny considering how much time I have invested in learning about parenting and child development. My children are constantly growing and changing as they reach new stages of development, so on one hand—it never feels like I am completely sure of how I am parenting. On the other hand, my parenting compass is to make sure that all my parenting reflects my unconditional love for my children, my assumption that they are always doing the best they can, and my belief that my role is to support them, not change them. That compass is something I am 100% confident about. This is who I hope to be for them, and I am confident that any decisions that come out of these values will be the best I can offer them.  

Shannon Wanless is an Associate Professor as well as the Director of the Office of Child Development at the University of Pittsburgh. She lives in Pennsylvania with her husband and teenage son and daughter.

Mike Wilson’s Parenting Statement

Being a parent is a child’s initial experience with unconditional love and, as a father, my initial feeling of infinite love. Love is an intangible emotion that is expressed through shared experiences.  Consequently, it is the guiding principle which dictates my actions regarding the responsibility I have for the lives of my children. As a parent I’ve accepted the fact that love is fluid and evolves over time.

Initially, when I heard my first born would be a girl, my knees uncontrollably buckled. It was as if my mind, body and spirit resigned to the fact that my life was no longer my own.  Now a father of two girls, I often catch myself looking at them in amazement. They are only 23 months apart, so the oldest one can barely remember life without her little sister. Conversely, the younger sister has never experienced life without her big sis. They have an unbreakable bond cemented by the caring environment their parents have created. On numerous occasions, my eyes tear up when I hear their simultaneous laughter. Even if I am not aware of the cause for their laughter, the moisture in my eyes is a constant reminder of the uncontrollable fact that my life is still no longer my own. 

As they’ve grown through infancy and young childhood into teenagers, I recognize our relationship is changing. Today they need me to serve in the role of provider, advisor, mentor and a source of safety and dependability. As their need for independence grows, I no longer receive the cheers and hugs as a greeting when I enter the house from work.  It’s a position I knew would someday happen yet still emotionally caught me off guard.  Additionally, I know that one day they will grow and find the love of their lives. Yet, I pray that my daughters’ future memories will overwhelmingly be full of more simultaneous laughter. As for me, they will always be my daughters who can make me tear up with their laughter.

Mike Wilson is the Outreach Coordinator for Harris County Department of Education, CASE Program and host the Making After School Cool Podcast. He lives in Texas with his wife and two teenage daughters.

Jenny Woo’s Parenting Statement

I believe that first and foremost, the purpose of parenting is to ensure physical security and psychological safety for my children. To parent is to cultivate a nurturing environment that encourages children to engage in the messy discovery of the self and the outside world. As both a parent and an educator, my goal is to guide my children to become creative, compassionate, wise, purposeful, and productive contributors to society.

A confident parent listens before speaking. A confident parent is secure with who he/she is and is not, and is not afraid to role model vulnerability and admit when wrong. The confident parent is aware of what they need and what their children need, and the differences in between. A confident parent also mindfully navigates and diffuses the expectations, pressures, and lures of the external world, for themselves and their children.

Jenny Woo is a Harvard-trained educator, TEDx speaker, and founder/CEO of Mind Brain Parenting and creator of “52 Essential Conversations” and more card games teaching social and emotional learning. She lives in northern California with her husband and three children.

Want to learn more about the members of this incredible Confident Parents team? Check out their bios on the site!

You’ll be reading articles from each of them throughout the year on the most relevant topics — what they are wrestling with and attempting to learn and promote in their own family lives.

As we read in the daily news the importance of social and emotional well-being of our children and the adults who love them, I can’t think of a more important way for our contribution to evolve through this group of caring, committed parents who will bring their expertise to lead our dialogue and contribute to our growth. 

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Posted on January 24, 2022 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

In the Atlanta Journal-Constitution… COVID and Children

Check out today’s opinion piece in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution by Journalist Maureen Downey. It begins…

Research shows trauma in children often results from stress that is chronic, unpredictable or prolonged.

In other words, the story of COVID-19.

More than two years into the pandemic, stresses are surfacing not only in K-12 students in Georgia, but in the adults who care for them.

And of course, this applies well beyond Georgia. Maureen interviewed Jennifer Miller on what we can be doing in homes and schools to support our children during these stressful times. Spoiler alert: Focusing on their social and emotional well-being should be our top priority! Our ability to focus on what’s really important (which takes leadership at all levels – school, district, local, state, national) to allow us the time and space to prioritize our children’s physical and psychological safety will not only respond to students’ needs but also, help teachers and parents who love those children feel more capable and confident. We may even create the conditions required for learning to take place enabling us all to not merely survive these times, but thrive.

Read and share! “Opinion: COVID is Stressing Georgia Children. How Can Adults Help?”

This article was written in anticipation of International #SEL Day on March 26, 2022. Learn more about how you can support this widespread effort to focus on children’s social and emotional well-being. Thanks SEL4CA and Equip Our Kids for making this possible.

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Posted on January 13, 2022 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

From Dr. King’s Sermon “The Mastery of Fear,” What Can We Learn Today?

Original Photo by William Lovelace/Express/Getty Images with Illustration by Jennifer Miller

As we move into this new year with hope and optimism for the opportunities of connection and well-being it may bring, it’s impossible not to notice that fear and anxiety seem to dominate the cold, barren landscape of January. As I tend to do each year at this time, I turn to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. for wisdom and he never disappoints. What might he say to us now as we watch vast numbers of students, teachers and parents out sick with COVID or worse, hospitilized, even dying? What would he say to the droves of teachers leaving the profession or striking with their unions because they are not feeling safe? Would he have words of wisdom for the parents who are yet again attempting to make new decisions daily that adapt to the rapidly changing village that continues to rest on shaky ground? And these questions really are the tip of the iceberg. Dr. King surely would be quick to point out that well-being is disproportionately supported whether you examine the inequitable distribution of and access to vaccinations around the world or you look specifically at the health care quality and availability and the educational opportunities and access for a range of marginalized peoples in the U.S.

I was amazed to discover handwritten notes archived in Stanford University’s Martin Luther King, Jr. Research and Education Institute. On July 21, 1957, Dr. King had written an outline for a sermon entitled “The Mastery of Fear.” I’m placing his notes below with my own interpretation of how they might apply to our current context while also viewing it through the lens of children’s and adult’s social and emotional development.

From Dr. King’s “The Mastery of Fear, Sermon Outline”

  • Fear is a powerfully creative force. The fear of ignorance leads to education etc … Every saving invention and every intellectual advance has behind it as a part of its motivation the desire to avoid or escape some dreaded thing. And so Angelo Patri is right in saying, “Education consist in being afraid at the right time.”

This is yet another moment when we have the chance to lead our families and teach our children HOW to be afraid at the right time. If we are constantly afraid, we are debilitated. We’ll lose our perspective which can lead to paralysis. If we repress and suppress our fears, hiding them in our darkest depths because our intimate others cannot accept or deal with them, we’ll be consigned to those inner caverns protecting ourselves to the point of self-destruction. We isolate from sharing the deepest parts of who we are. But Dr. King asserts fear can act as a creative force. There is great power in fear if we use it as fuel for our own inventive ways to focus on child and adult well-being as a primary driver (not as a nice-to-have). Here are some questions I imagine Dr. King would offer us to consider:

  • How are we remaining present to our intimate family holding space for all of their emotions, especially the ones that challenge us the most?
  • What are the roles we play in our village and how can we be or become a stabilizing force of compassion, love and grace?
  • How can we accept the fears we have as a valuable means for channeling our creative forces?
  • How can we accept the fears our children have as a valuable means for channeling their creative forces?
  • What is the saving intention you are hatching through this ordeal? What is your own intellectual advance? How about for your family members?

The social distancing we must be most concerned about is the one in which we hid in our fears and anxieties and do not honestly, vulnerably share what’s going on with each other. We can act as a model of social and emotional skills in the most powerfully resilient ways if we work on:

  • self awareness (owning and naming feelings), 
  • self management (as we seek one another’s understanding and support in order to not allow those fears to consume our lives), 
  • social awareness (empathizing with others’ pain and anxiety), 
  • relationship skills (holding a safe listening space for our loved ones), and 
  • responsible decision-making (not acting quickly, reactively, impulsively – which is most often fear-based – but pausing to let thought and wisdom in).

And Dr. King Continues…

  • 13 So if by “a fearless man” we mean one who is not afraid of anything, we are picturing, not a wise man, but a defective mind. There are normal and abnormal fears.
  • So the difficulty of our problem is that we are not to get rid of fear altogether, but we must harness it and master it.14 Like fire it is a useful and necessary servant, but a ruinous master. It is fear when it becomes terror, panic and chronic anxiety that we must seek to eliminate.

Fearlessness is not something for which to strive, he writes. Instead he might ask us:

  • How can we harness and utilize our fire to ensure our children, teens and other family members are safe, healthy and able to learn and pursue the fires of their own passions?
  • What happens when it feels like fear is taking over, the fire is out of control? What plans do we have to bring the flames back down and under control? Are you becoming intentional about taking regular pauses in your day to manage the flames? Check out the Family Emotional Safety Plan as one way to do that.

And finally, from Dr. King’s Sermon Outline…

  • How do we master fear
    • Of basic importance in mastering fear is the need of getting out in the open the object of our fear and frankly facing it. Human life is full of secret fears.
    • A further step in mastering fear is to remember that it always involves the misuse of the imagination.

What if we sense our children or teens are harboring secret fears? In my experience, it requires parents being vulnerable themselves. So…

  • How can you raise the topic of fears with your family and share some of your own and how you manage them?
  • How can you revisit this conversation so that there is a regular safe place for your children to name their fears?

Inherit in Dr. King’s prompting about fear involving the misuse of imagination is the call to use imagination in healthy ways. Your mind can wander like a runaway train down the road of catastrophe and worst case scenarios. And that rumination can leave us in destructive and defeatist thinking. So…

  • How can we begin to engage our imagination in ways that envision and even take steps toward Dr. King’s Beloved Community?
  • How can we begin to engage our imagination in ways that envision an education system in which all children are safe, valued and thriving?
  • And how can we engage our children in envisioning the beautiful world they will inherit? 

It can only come about if we dream it first. Thank you once again, Dr. King. We are grateful.

Reference:

King, M.L., Jr. (1957). The mastery of fear (Sermon). Montgomery, AL: Stanford University The Martin Luther King, Jr. Research and Education Institute. 

From Dr. King’s References:

13. Fosdick, On Being a Real Person, p. 110: “Angelo Patri is right in saying, ‘Education consists in being afraid at the right time.’” Fosdick may have gotten this quote from William H. Burnham’s book The Normal Mind (New York: D. Appleton, 1924), p. 417. Patri, an educator and expert on child psychology, disavowed any use of fear in child-rearing (Child Training [New York: D. Appleton, 1922], pp. 19, 250).

14. Fosdick, The Hope of the World, p. 60: “Indeed, this is the difficulty of our problem, that our business is not to get rid of fear but to harness it, curb it, master it.”

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Posted on January 6, 2022 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

In a Safe, Healthy New Year…

The Start of the Year Offers the Ideal Chance to Set Our Mind On the Present…

Back to school in-person? Remote? Hybrid? Staff and students missing, out sick due to the latest COVID variant. The frenzy of our one week back after winter break may have struck your household like a polar plunge into freezing cold water. Whereas the holiday season may have been renewing and connecting, stepping back into the fray feels like a shocking jolt. But our mindset in beginning this new year matters greatly. How we perceive our now and intend our coming weeks and months will help determine our experience.

Though our educational and health care systems are stressed right now (I realize this might be an understatement), if you are reading this, it’s likely you are safe (and if you are sick right now, check out this article on Parenting and Dealing with Illness. Our hearts go out to you as you focus on getting better!). You may even be perfectly healthy. You may be protected from serious illness by the vaccine and your family members may be protected as well.

A fundamental teaching in Aikido is focusing on all of the areas, spaces and parts of life that are healthy and safe. Where focus goes, energy grows. The Aikido master teaches that if a sword is pointed at you, there’s only one small centimeter of the point of the sword that poses danger. If you focus on moving into the spaces that are safe, you remain safe. How can we focus on how we are healthy and safe right now? How can we move toward greater safety by focusing our where we are healthy and safe?

We are not even close to being in the same place as last year. We have learned so very much. How can we begin our year with the mindsets that will help us in continuing to learn and grow? Where do we find wisdom? How can we pursue those sources of wisdom to help us remain in a place of reflective choice-making?

With those thoughts in mind, we are sharing some helpful articles that might assist you in focusing on your health and safety to thrive as we enter this new year of opportunities.

Routine Reboot

Routines add to a sense of safety and stability for ourselves and our children. Yet we don’t have to micromanage the process when there are ways to help each family member take responsibility for the key roles they play. Rebooting the routine in January just makes sense when the harsher weather adds to our time and tasks as we wrestle with winter clothing. Gather with your family to talk through and make a plan that works for all. Learn more…

New Year Routine Reboot

Feelings Ritual

In the roller coaster ride of the past few years, one more lesson we’ve learned is that we have to share our feelings in family life if we are to manage them, support one another and remain intimately connected. Those daily connections can make all the difference in making your family a respite from storms that may exist just beyond your home’s threshold. How can you create a ritual of sharing feelings whether positive or challenging each day? Here are ideas…

Daily Feelings Temperature Checks

Family Investments in Wellness

We can create regular opportunities to invest in our families’ mental wellness by creating flow opportunities, or chances to dive into play, joy or wonder together in which you lose track of time. Those nourishing moments will heal you now together and will create more positive well-being outcomes for the future. Learn more!

Cultivating Family Flow in the New Year

Hoping and Dreaming in our Roles as Parents

How can we take some time out in the start of the year to ask what our hopes and dreams are for our children? And when we ask that, then we also need to ask what we intend to do – even in small ways – to work toward those hopes and dreams. Learning about how to support children and teen’s social and emotional development may just be part of your intention. Here’s more…

Hoping and Dreaming for a Brand New Year

Strategies for Anxiety

And when anxiety arises, and we know it will, we have options that will help us feel better. Work on those as a family so that your coping strategies are at the ready. If you do, you won’t worry yourself about hurting others in a moment of fear or anger because you have a plan in place and you’ve practiced your plan. You’ll be ready and all will remain safe. In addition, you’ll be teaching invaluable self-management skills to your children. Here are our best tools to help you with this!

Body Check Five; A Tool for Lowering Anxiety

Big Worries, Small Experiments

Family Emotional Safety Plan

May this new year bring newfound health, safety, peace of mind, and thriving for you and your family.

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Posted on December 30, 2021 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

A New Year’s Love Letter to Parents

Dear Parents,

As we anticipate the coming of a new year, we have an opportunity to take an all-important reflective pause and consider all that we’ve learned over the past year. We’ve had to make choices in our sacred responsibility as leaders of our families and responsible decision-makers for our children that we never dreamed we’d have to make. Go visit Grandma and put her at risk or break her heart by staying home. Allow your asthmatic son to participate in basketball with no protection on the court while COVD numbers rise or take away a beloved pastime. Travel with your family to see loved ones including an unvaccinated younger child or yet again, break hearts by cancelling. As we’ve made these extraordinary decisions, we’ve weighed short term impacts and long term impacts to each and every person involved including the systems they are a part of and the values and commitments we hold dear. Who’s to say what’s right, wrong, or sketchy? In our current context, there are a thousand more questions than answers.

While navigating through these challenges, we’ve sustained losses from illnesses, injuries, and deaths to relationship strain or even estrangement, work or personal life burnout, and depression and anxiety. The stress has taken its toll and does not go unacknowledged and cannot be forgotten.

And… there are gifts worth acknowledging this holiday season. In the past, if we were having a personal or family crisis, we felt alone in our anger or sorrow and perhaps misunderstood. Now, as the world faces a similar range of difficult choices, we, at least, can take heart that we are in this together and we are stronger if we work together to navigate the complexities. Viruses are unaware of our political divides or belief silos. COVID cells do not discriminate by opinion but only look for openings to infect new hosts wherever they can find them. The virus is working hard to learn. Are we?

For me, that gift of learning begins with a letting go and then, advances with a letting come. New times call for new habits of mind and one challenge posed to us currently is: how can I let go of judging others? And that is far from simple. In fact, our quick reflex or reactive set point is programmed to judge. And judgment of ideas and of problems is vital to our responsible decision-making and well-being but judging people only isolates us AND importantly, closes the door to learning. Just as no one religion or science has figured out with certainty every mystery of our universe but offers vital insights and wisdom to aspects of it so too, people’s wide range of experiences and perspectives can inform our ability to grow and develop. If we are on a confident parent pathway, then that growth is our central vocation. We can best support our children’s development when we utilize every opportunity to learn and grow ourselves. 

That habit of mind change requires constant rehearsal. With ease, my mind drifts from “can you believe she…” to “how could he possibly…” like an experienced acrobat swinging on a mental trapeze moving from judgment thought to judgment thought. And we get a jolt of self-righteous satisfaction as a reward. “I am so much smarter than those people,” our reactive mind humphs in a “told-ya-so” tone. And that’s the moment where our mind resolves that it’s finished exploring the issue. No learning here.

Instead, we have to cultivate the discipline of pausing and staying still on the trapeze platform. When we do, we have the chance to climb down, become more grounded and choose new ways of thinking. We can choose curiosity: “what could be motivating them? What thoughts and beliefs are shaping their actions?” And compassion: “how are they feeling in their context? What pain are they enduring? How can I help ease their pain?” And move to self-reflection: “if I’m bothered, what aspect is making me upset? Why are their actions pushing on a nerve? What stories do I hold that this challenges? Are they current or out-dated? What am I holding onto that defines my sense of self? Will their actions take away from that identity? What new versions of myself am I exploring and can I learn from? And finally, to contribution: Considering what I’ve learned, how can I contribute to greater well-being, safety and connection?”

These questions that use external situations to explore our inner landscape is our process of letting come. We stop long enough to allow the opening of our mind, our heart and our will to be transformed by the moment and our interaction with others. This transformation gives us the ultimate sense of agency as we use our relationships and current context to fuel our growth and development. And our children benefit exponentially. They have a model of courage and resilience. They see that challenging times and people posing challenges can result in rapid growth, adaptation, and ability to not only meet the times but innovate and create new solutions to grow ourselves and the communities we are a part of. 

What if your immediate family and/or intimate relationships became a hub for growth, well-being and meaning-making that positively affected the lives of all who came in contact? Viral change-making might be the way we meet our current times but it will require going within first. Learning is love in action. I cannot imagine a greater gift to our loved ones than this. These are my sacred intentions for 2022.

I wish for you your own ability to pause long enough to consider what gifts you can give your family and community by putting love into action through your open mind, heart and will. “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has,” by Margaret Mead can be our beacon leading the way.

Happy New Year!

With Love,


Jennifer Miller

P.S. We will be celebrating ten years of Confident Parents, Confident Kids in 2022. I can hardly believe it! We have some BIG surprises in store! So read on and please share and contribute! 

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Posted on December 21, 2021 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Today’s Winter Solstice Offers the Chance to Let Go…

Reflecting on our darkest day of the year…

Releasing the Voice of Judgement

Today, December 21, the shortest day of the year, will mark the turning from dark to an increase in sunlight. In the Northern Hemisphere, it is the coldest time of year and in the Southern, it marks the Summer Solstice. The traditions that recognize this passage seem to touch numerous cultures around the world and date back to ancient times in which the Mayan Indians, ancient Romans, Scandinavians and others celebrated. Years ago, my own neighborhood friends would gather on this day, say some words of gratefulness for the gift of light in our lives, and each person would contribute a stick or evergreen branch to the fire. This tradition has remained in my memory as one of the most sacred I have attended. All of the major world holidays involve an appreciation for light in the darkness as a previous article explored including Christmas, Hannukah and Kwanzaa. 

This year, I’m thinking a bit differently about this passage of dark to light. I’m seeing it as a chance to let go of the voices of judgment in my head that promote division and create more anger and sadness. As we look around the world through the veneer of the headline news, we see a world still fighting a highly contagious and unpredictable disease, our supply chain systems failing, schools struggling, and deep disparities between wealthy countries response to COVID and those without the means to obtain enough vaccines. Looking out on all of this chaos, it can feel, at times, like I’m watching a dystopian movie. But I remind myself, I am an actor and I play a key role. Now more than ever, family, friends, and strangers need compassion for whatever kind of pain or hurt this is bringing into their lives. We are all feeling the struggle. So what do we do with it?

If I am to authentically embrace empathy and compassion for others – even and especially those who are challenging me and making destructive choices – I first must invest in letting go of judgement. I can only do this if I remind myself that each person is coping with their pain in vastly different ways. And there is no one right path. What if, this Solstice, each person took the time to reflect on their voices of judgement for others and themselves (typically we are our own biggest critic) and sent them into the fire to burn to ashes? If we did this in a wholehearted way, I wonder if we could rise like a phoenix and offer the compassion to ourselves and others that is so needed? I know the potential is there. How can you become a model for your family?

I so appreciate this day as a silent pause in the hustle of the holidays for reflection and introspection. If you, as I do, want to take this sacred moment to recognize how nature is offering us this opportunity for transformation, here are some ways to bring your family into the reflection with you.

Theme: Letting Go, Forgiveness and Rebirth
In ancient Rome during the solstice, wars stopped, grudges were forgiven and slaves traded places with their masters. Today, the theme of forgiveness and rebirth is carried out in a diverse range of religious and cultural practices. The burning of wood to create light in the darkness also symbolizes that we can let go of old stories, judgements of ourselves and others, old wounds or poor choices and begin again. For children, it’s a critical lesson to learn that one choice does not determine who they are. There is always the light of a new day to offer a chance for forgiving the old and creating the new.

Question for our Family Dinner: Are people in your life disappointing, even outraging you with their choices? Are there hurts that you are holding onto from the past? Have you disappointed yourself? How can you focus on letting go realizing that holding on only hurts yourself and keeps you imprisoned with those judgements? With the burning of a candle, can you imagine those disappointments burning into the ash, forgiven, and offering you a new chance?

Theme: Connection
Our connection to one another during this time is one of the most valuable. Ironically savoring our moments with our loved ones can get buried under a mound of anxiety, expectations and commitments. With COVID threats continuing to loom over our holiday gatherings, we may need to let go of old expectations and find new and different means of connecting. And perhaps because of those limitations, we will be offered a greater appreciation for times when we can connect in person or with less safety restrictions.

When it comes to focusing on our appreciation for one another during this passage from dark to light, we can be made aware, if we stop long enough to notice, that we are more alike than different. Numerous religions, nations, indigenous cultures and popular culture celebrate light with a wide variety of rituals and traditions. We can enter into our own celebrations, whatever our traditions may be, with the awareness that we are inter-connected and inter-dependent with one another and our environment. We can begin to explore the many other ways we are connected to one another regardless of how different we feel or seem at times.

Question for our Family Dinner: How have the ways in which we connect changed this year? What connections have been nourishing and satisfying that we want to keep or promote more of? What connecting have we left behind that we do not miss? What are ways that we are connected to people from places far from us in the world? What are the ways we are connected to people who are different from us or challenge us in our own community? If there have been disagreements among family and friends, how do we remain connected to those individuals?

Theme: Relationship of Light and Dark
Darkness has long been a symbol for emotional turmoil, sickness and violence in the world. The darkness seems to hold fear and danger but with the light of day, the perspective changes dramatically to one of hope and possibility. Moving from short, gray days to lighter, brighter days can help remind us that there is always another chance to make a better decision. There’s always an opportunity to be who we really aspire to being. Our actions can reflect our deepest values.

Question for our Family Dinner: Is there sadness, fear, disappointment or other darkness you want to leave behind? How can you let it go and begin again? What hopes do you have for the new year?

Theme: Gratefulness for the Natural World
It is humbling to step back and watch the changing of the seasons unfold. In ancient times, people feared that the lack of light would continue. They worried that if they did not revere the Sun God, “he” may move further away from their days. Take this moment in time to appreciate the sun, the moon, the trees, the birds and all of the natural world around us that profoundly influences all of our lives.

Question for our Family Dinner: What aspects of nature influence you regularly? What do you appreciate about the environment you encounter each day? How can you become more aware of the changes in nature around you? Have you gained more appreciation or a new view of the natural world during the pandemic?

Tonight, our family will be lighting a fire and sitting by it, noticing its brilliant light and feeling its warmth. As I toss my ceremonial evergreen bough on the fire, I’ll be considering what judgement stories I need to send into the fire with the bough. How can I place those kernels of anger, fear and disappointment into the flames to help myself truly let them go? There is a silent calm that comes over me when I light a candle or watch the flames rise in our fireplace. That calm gives me the space to reflect on the meaning of this time of year and connects me to the many individuals and cultures today and of generations past that have recognized this passage. May you find ways to let go of your outdated stories during this emergence from dark to light. May you allow it to transform you and create a bigger, wider space for compassion that can emerge from you fueled by more light in future days.

Adapted from an original post on December 14, 2014.

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Posted on December 16, 2021 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

What Holidays Are Celebrated Around the World?

Have you learned about traditions throughout the world with your family?

We may feel closer than ever to the neighbors of our world. COVID-19 shows us, among other key lessons, that we are deeply and biologically connected to one another. Our children and teens may be socializing more online with friends in other countries who may share interests that children in their own neighborhood do not. With a newfound social awareness, my teen asked recently, “what do others celebrate?” He’s now in a new school that doesn’t host Christmas parties (as his old school did) and some of his best friends hail from China, India, Brazil and other parts of the globe. I’m grateful for these new opportunities to learn and become enriched by a range of traditions and celebrations. One of the most beautiful and illustrative ways we can learn about another culture is through their celebrations and rituals.

Because of the numerous holidays celebrated through the fall and winter months, it is an ideal time to discuss how people celebrate around the world – both the uniqueness of traditions and also the many commonalities. I was struck by the number of similar themes and symbols when I did the research for the following world holiday facts. Most notably, the major holidays celebrate light in the darkness, show gratitude for food, family and life and pause for reflection or prayer. I was so enriched by learning about the beautiful traditions of celebrations around the world. I hope you will take a moment to share these with your family. Happy holidays!

Christmas
Cultural or Religious Origin: Christianity and Secular
Purpose: To celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, believed by Christians to be the son of God. For the non-religious, the purpose is to give gifts, receive gifts from Santa Claus and celebrate with loved ones.
Symbols/Practices: Santa Claus who was originally named after St. Nicolas, a bishop in Turkey, who was a giver of gifts to children. The evergreen tree was originally a German tradition. The star is the guiding light that led to the animal manger where the baby was born.
Traditions: Presents are delivered in secret by Santa Claus on Christmas Eve while families are sleeping. Families and friends exchange gifts.
http://www.history.com/topics/christmas

Hanukkah
Cultural or Religious Origin: Judaism
Purpose: To celebrate a miracle that one day’s worth of oil lasted for eight days in the temple.
Symbols/Practices: For eight days, Jews light a special candleholder called a menorah.
Traditions: On Hanukkah, many Jews also eat special potato pancakes called latkes, sing songs, and spin a top called a dreidel to win chocolate coins, nuts or raisins. Families also give one gift each of the eight days.
http://www.jewfaq.org/holiday7.htm

Kwanzaa
Cultural or Religious Origin: African-American
Purpose: Started in the United States to celebrate African heritage for seven days based on African harvest festivals and focused on seven African principles including family life and unity. The name means “first fruits” in Swahili.
Symbols/Practices: Participants wear ceremonial clothing and decorate with fruits and vegetables.
Traditions: They light a candleholder called a kinara and exchange gifts.
http://www.history.com/topics/holidays/kwanzaa-history

Chinese New Year
Cultural or Religious Origin: China
Purpose: Celebrate the new year.
Symbols/Practices: Silk dragon in a grand parade is a symbol of strength. According to legend, the dragon hibernates most of the year, so people throw firecrackers to keep the dragon awake. Each new year is symbolized by a Zodiacal animal that predicts the characteristics of that year. 2016 will be the year of the monkey.
Traditions: Many Chinese children dress in new clothes. People carry lanterns and join in a huge parade led by a silk dragon. People take time off of work for seven days and celebrate the feast with family.
http://www.history.com/topics/holidays/chinese-new-year

Diwali
Cultural or Religious Origins: Hindu, India
Purpose: The festival of lights honors Lakshmi, India’s goddess of prosperity. It celebrates the inner light that protects all from spiritual darkness.
Symbols/Practices: Millions of lighted clay saucers with oil and a cotton wick are placed near houses and along roads at night.
Traditions: Women float these saucers in the sacred Ganges River, hoping the saucers will reach the other side still lit. Farmers dress up their cows with decorations and treat them with respect. The farmers show their thanks to the cows for helping the farmers earn a living.
http://kids.nationalgeographic.com/explore/diwali/

La Posada
Cultural or Religious Origins: Mexico and parts of Central America, Christian
Purpose: Reenacts the journey Joseph and Mary took to find shelter to give birth to their son, Jesus. It is a festival of acceptance asking, “Who will receive the child?”
Symbols/Practices: Candle light, song, prayer, actors dressing as Mary and Joseph
Traditions: People celebrate through song and prayer doing musical re-enactments of the journey. In Mexico and many parts of Central America, people celebrate La Posada in church during the nine days before Christmas. It is a reenactment of the journey Joseph and Mary took to find shelter before the birth of their child, Jesus
http://gomexico.about.com/od/festivalsholidays/a/posadas.htm

Boxing Day
Cultural or Religious Origins: United Kingdom, Australia, Canada, New Zealand, Holland
Purpose: To share gratitude and give to the poor.
Symbols/Practices: Alms boxes were placed in churches to collect donations for the poor.
Traditions: Servants were given the day off as a holiday. Charitable works are performed. And now major sporting events take place.
http://www.whychristmas.com/customs/boxingday.shtml

Ramadan and Eid al-Fitr
Cultural or Religious Origin: Islam, Muslim
Purpose: An entire month is spent re-focusing on Allah (God) and participating in self-sacrifice to cleanse the spirit.
Symbols/Practices: The crescent moon and a star are shown to indicate a month of crescent moons in the night sky. Participants pray daily in mosques. On Eid al-Fitr, they break the fast by dressing in their finest clothing, decorating homes with lights and decorations and giving treats to kids.
Traditions: Not only do celebrants abstain from food, drink, smoke, sexual activity and immoral behavior during the days of Ramadan, they also work to purify their lives by forgiving others and behaving and thinking in positive, ethical ways. They break their fast each day by eating with family and friends after sunset. Breaking the fast on Eid al-Fitr involves making contributions to the poor and gratefulness.
http://www.history.com/topics/holidays/ramadan

Omisoka
Cultural or Religious Origin: Japan
Purpose: This is the Japanese New Year.
Symbols/Practices: Thoroughly cleaning house to purify it.
Traditions: People remove any clutter and clean their homes to purify them for the new year. They have a giant feast with traditional foods. There’s a national talent competition. Bells ring at midnight and people go to pray at Shinto shrines.
http://www.kidzworld.com/article/26414-omisoka-japanese-new-year

St. Lucia Day
Cultural or Religious Origin: Sweden
Purpose: To honor a third-century saint who was known as a “bearer of light” through dark Swedish winters.
Symbols/Practices: With a wreath of burning candles worn on their heads, girls dress as Lucia brides in long white gowns with red sashes.
Traditions: The Lucia brides wake up their families by singing songs and bringing them coffee and twisted saffron buns called “Lucia cats.”
https://sweden.se/culture-traditions/lucia/

Is there a holiday or tradition you treasure with your family or community that is not listed here? Please add to our knowledge and understanding! Add your traditions in our comments’ section!

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Posted on December 10, 2021 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Anti-bullying Lessons from a Classic Christmas Tale

Why Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer is a Story Worth Unwrapping…

by Guest Author Rudolph Keeth Matheny

The beautiful story of a lovable, unique reindeer going from victim to hero is beloved by generations with a rich history and many hidden stories to reveal. Rudolph provides a well-known context for use to explore the roles of bullying, causes, and proactive solutions. In addition, the history of the story is a rich one, which adds depth to the children’s fable. The story and history of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer have many social and emotional learning gifts for us to unwrap.

“Called him names” – the situation and roles of bullying

At the start of the story of Rudolph, we all know the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. Name calling is known as social aggression, which is any negative behavior designed to embarrass and/or affect another’s social network. In addition to name calling, the other reindeer were also “excluding” Rudolph as “they would not let Rudolph join in any reindeer games”. Being excluded is another common and hurtful form of bullying. Name calling and excluding are classic bullying and for a very classic reason: for being different (Rudolph’s red nose).

It is helpful to understand the common roles involved in bullying in order to address it. Those roles are target, aggressor, bystander and hopefully an ally or allies. In the story of Rudolph, because he was the one being called names, he would be the “target” of the bullying. The “aggressor” is the person or persons doing the bullying behavior, which in this case, sadly would be “all of the other reindeer”. Unanimous bullying is rough and definitely the stuff of legend. Reindeer apparently are prone to a herd mentality. A bystander is someone who notices the bullying but does not encourage or discourage it, a kind of “Switzerland” role. We can only assume with all the name calling and excluding going around the North Pole that someone would have noticed, most likely the elves.  You might make the excuse that the elves were very busy making toys, but since they are Santa’s reindeer caretakers and are known for their keen sense of hearing, they must have known. So for our story, the elves were the “bystanders” in the bullying roles. However, do not get too upset about the elves. They clearly did not join in on the bullying as there is no mention of them also calling Rudolph names or excluding him. Many people are bystanders and perhaps they did not know what to do to help Rudolph. This article will show you what can be done.

A surprisingly cold overall reindeer climate at the North Pole

Another concerning part of the story is that Rudolph did not seem to know what to do to advocate for himself. The North Pole at the time definitely needed to put both proactive and reactive systems in place for bullying prevention and an overall-positive reindeer climate. A reactive system would be if all reindeer and reindeer supervisors were educated about the roles involved in bullying and on what to do after the bullying had started. A proactive anti-bullying system would be supports or structures that may have prevented the bullying altogether, such as teaching the reindeer skills for responding to others, taking someone else’s perspective, showing empathy and advocating for others.

If a strong system was in place perhaps the elves would have acted as allies, and they could have done a lot to help instead of acting as bystanders. 

These are common ways to be allies. They could have been a “confronter” and stood up for Rudolph; even something as small as “that is not a jolly thing to do” may have stopped the bullying. They could have been a “supporter” by supporting Rudolph through his trials comforting him after the bullying and helping him work through the problem. The elves could have been a “distractor” by distracting the reindeer when bullying, by changing the topic or telling a holiday joke. Some things they might have said to distract would be; “I hear there is a snowstorm coming in. Do you think we will be able to do the delivery run?” or even “Have you heard the joke about why Santa is so jolly?”

Rudolph also might have known some tips for a target. He could have stood up for himself by stating in a strong but non-threatening way “I feel hurt when someone bullies me, so stop bullying me”. Rudolph could have spoken to a friend, parent, or leader about the problem. Rudolph, however, was a wonderful role model as he did not let others’ negativity prevent him from being himself and shining his light.

Santa – The ultimate ally

Rudolph is eventually saved in the story by perhaps the ultimate ally, Santa. It is very possible Santa knew about the bullying and looked for a reason to give Rudolph a leadership role. The fog was possibly just the opportunity he was hoping for so he could turn things around for Rudolph. Perhaps there was an elf or a reindeer that did notice the bullying and reported it to Santa. Regardless, Santa is the perfect ally as a respected leader of the reindeer who had the vision to see what made Rudolph different as a strength rather than a weakness. This is a powerful way to turn around bullying and a wonderful way to see difference. What if we asked ourselves when we notice someone is different, how that difference is a strength? Better yet, what if we all tried to help them make that difference a strength?

“Poor Rudolph” – Empathy, the antidote

The author invokes a critical bullying antidote with the passage “They would not let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games”. By saying “poor Rudolph” the author was trying to get the reader to feel some empathy. In fact, he was also doing it by just telling Rudolph’s story, as it helps us engage in two key parts of empathy, (1) noticing how another is feeling and then (2) seeing it from their perspective. The third part of empathy is feeling with someone or feeling at-least a little bit of what they are feeling. This would be different for every reader, but the emotional ride of the story from poor Rudolph to going down in history surely evokes empathy in us all.

Without this appeal to our empathy, a reader might have thought all of this bullying behavior could be warranted for flaunting his red nose, a kind of “who does he think he is walking around with his red nose all stuck up in the air.” This is exactly why empathy is so important. When we recognize how others are feeling, see things from their perspective and feel a little of what they are feeling, we are putting ourselves in the position of another. Doing this is putting ourselves in another’s shoes or in this case horseshoes and if we were in those shoes, we would not want to be called names or excluded. 

Rudolph for grown-ups – “Going down in history”

Empathy is at the core of our humanity and relates directly to the golden rule of “Do unto others as you would have done to you”. Without a perspective of empathy, we are prone to “other”-ing or to distancing ourselves from another person or group of people. To make them different from “us”. This psychological distance allows us to be callous or unfeeling towards them. Bullying and exclusion starts with othering someone for their difference. The small comments grow into rationale for exclusion or social aggression, “Othering” taken to broad extremes has allowed horrors such as Native American removal, slavery, the Holocaust, and many more throughout time. In fact, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was written by an author, Robert May, who was inspired by his own painful childhood experiences as a Jewish boy targeted by bullying. The story was created during a time of great personal sadness for May, during a global background of the horrors of the Holocaust.

Smothering othering with empathy using Rudolph

Empathy is really seeing ourselves in another, and it breaks down “othering” as it forces us to think about how we would feel and how we would want to be treated. Empathy can change bullies to bystanders and bystanders to allies. This is why the work of teaching empathy is so critical to creating safe inclusive communities and a better world. So, this holiday season as you share the story of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, talk about the gift of empathy within the story. For younger children ask them what they think Rudolph might be feeling at each stage of the story. Talk about bullying and how to be an ally. For older children, consider adding the deeper history of the story. But most of all, use the story to remind all to see what others are feeling, put themselves in their shoes, and act from a place of compassion.

Perhaps the lesson of Rudolph can help make us all go down in a more empathetic, peaceful, and inclusive history.

Guest Author Rudolph Keeth Matheny is a social and emotional learning teacher, speaker, and author. He is named Rudolph, after his grandfather, who dramatically escaped the Holocaust on “Kristallnacht” and immigrated to America. He then worked in a warehouse and sent most of what he earned to help family members and friends escape. HIs mother, out of concern for his being bullied, nicknamed Rudolph “Keeth,” which is what he has been called all his life. Now that he knows more about his grandfather, he embraces Rudolph both in his name and in his work. He is a co-author of School-Connect, a research and evidence-based social and emotional learning curriculum that is now in over 2000 schools. Check out his site, SEL Launchpad!

*What an absolute joy to learn from and partner with Rudolph Keeth Matheny this week! It’s an honor to publish his outstanding article. – CPCK

#parenting #antibullying #SEL

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