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Posted on August 3, 2023 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

How to Teach and Practice the Complex Skill of Responsible Decision-making in Family Life…

Do I lie to my parents so that I can attend the biggest social event of the year or take my chances by telling the truth and risk not being allowed to go?

Do I allow my child to attend a party where I’ve never met the friends or parents?

Do I tell my partner about a poor choice made by our child when the child confided in only me and would be upset if anyone else knew?

We face difficult decisions as family members on a regular basis. We often have to make tough decisions with incomplete information, little facts, and limited time. And so do our children and teens. So how do we help them exercise the skill of making healthy, pro-social choices that do no harm?

Responsible decision-making is defined by the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL) as “the ability to make constructive choices about personal behavior and social interactions based on ethical standards, safety concerns, and social norms. The realistic evaluation of consequences of various actions, and a consideration of the well-being of oneself and others.

  • Identifying problems
  • Analyzing situations
  • Solving problems
  • Evaluating
  • Reflecting
  • Ethical responsibility.”

This represents one of the most complex skill sets parents are required to tackle and also, involves our thorniest dilemmas. When we face a problem like the ones above in which family or friends are challenging our comfort, our safety or our principles, we not only deal with the problem at hand. We have to confront our own impulses and desires. We have to deal with our own frustrations and upset and that of other’s close to us. Somehow, we have to manage our relationships and keep them healthy even when we are setting boundaries. And we have consider whether or not it’s a time to go along with other’s wishes or stand our ground. And of course, there are consequences to any of our choices – risks and rewards. 

We are living in a time that is testing our courage. And how we respond is and will be our children’s model for responding to uncertain times. How will we show up as our best selves? As we continue to enjoy a summer of fun, friendship, adventure, and connection, it’s worth considering how we’ll respond when challenges arise.

Ethical decision-making is a full line of inquiry and models from business and leadership literature can become intricate and involved to help support top leaders in companies who must navigate highly complex social structures and make decisions without all of the information needed and with major implications to a full workforce. But we, as leaders in our own families, also require guidance and support as we face ethical dilemmas that test our practical sense and wisdom and rattle our trust as a family. In fact, research confirms that trust-building can be accelerated through consistent ethical behaviors and choices.1

In family life, we don’t have time to deal with complicated decision-making models. Yet we face extremely complex decisions regularly and our family’s trust is predicated upon whether or not we can make those decisions ethically and responsibly. Roger Weissberg, Chief Knowledge Officer of CASEL developed a simple social problem-solving process for schools to use in training children in responsible decision-making. The traffic light model is simple enough that we can use it as a guide in our family life to model adult choices and guide our children in their choices. Dr. Weissberg writes about the model that it promotes “consequential thinking.”2 Children and adults begin to think through the consequences of their actions prior to choosing how to act. And that kind of thinking promotes responsible decision-making. 

This problem-solving model helps families deal with their impulses and with their big feelings, and allows for critical thinking before acting. This involves a host of social and emotional skills including self-awareness (what am I thinking and feeling?), social awareness (what are others thinking and feeling?), self-management (how can I manage my impulse to dive in when there are consequences and risks involved?), relationship skills (how do I preserve my relationships especially when needing to resist social pressures?), and finally, responsible decision-making (how can I do no harm to myself and others). Check out this simple, powerful model with guidance for parents on their own responsible decision-making. In addition, I’ve included ways in which parents can teach their children to use and rely on this process too. Print it out for your refrigerator to use as a helpful guide.

RED LIGHT 

Stop! Calm down and think before you act.

No problem-solving is going to occur, no feelings repaired until all involved calm down. So take the time you and your family members need to calm down. Breathe! It’s critical for us as adults to do this as much as it is critical for our children. When you pause to breathe, you return your brain to full thinking capacity and can feel a sense of satisfaction that you are teaching your children how to do the same in tough situations. 

Teaching children: Proactively practice deep breathing with your child this summer to reinforce your memory to use it and also, teach a valuable skills. You can use easy-to-use teaching methods to help kids practice deep breathing such as bubble blowing, ocean wave or teddy bear belly breathing (see “Understanding Anger” article for descriptions of each). Take a moment for some quiet time in your own spaces. Then…

YELLOW LIGHT

Caution. Feel. Communicate. Think.

Say the problem and how you feel.

Perhaps you and your partner, after pausing and removing yourself from a tense social situation, take time to discuss your choices.  Share how you are feeling. In this examples above, there were a range of uncomfortable feelings from guilt to frustration to embarrassment. After you’ve accepted that you are feeling this mash-up of emotion, describe to one another your thoughts about what is happening. 

Teaching children: Parents can model this by saying, “I am feeling frustrated that you and your brother are arguing. How are you feeling?” It helps to have a list of feelings at the ready so that if your child struggles with coming up with a feeling, he can pick one off of a list that best represents how he’s feeling. This practice alone will expand his feeling’s vocabulary and he’ll be better equipped the next time to be in touch with and communicate his situation. 

Ask “what are our core principals?” Now, set a positive goal.

Yes, we need to have some core principals as a family that guide our decision-making. Some to consider for our current context might be:

  • We bring difficult decisions to the “we,” or discuss with one another before making a choice that impacts our family.
  • We seek out factual information (from experts and trusted others) to understand risks.
  • We consider each family members unique level of risk (age, physical and mental healthy, neurodiversity).
  • We prioritize safety, health and well-being including both physical and mental health.
  • We consider our impacts to others involved and the ripple effect consequences of our actions on other families.
  • We act in ways that promote trust among our family members.

We need to articulate our values with one another and which ones, despite all pressures, are worth standing up for.  After you’ve become clear on your principles, then how can you use those to set a positive goal for your problem-solving together? For example, “we want all of us to remain mentally and physically healthy with our choice and not to harm others.”

Teaching children: With your child, have them think about what they want for themselves and the others involved. The goal may be as simple as, “I just want to get along with my brother,” or “I want to keep my toys safe.” Weissberg writes that setting a positive goal for kids simply means “How do you want things to end up?”

Think of lots of solutions.

We recently brainstormed as a family and it was the adults who struggled. We skipped to judging our ideas so quickly. So it takes some self-management skills to stop judging and only listen and offer potential ideas. But if we do, we’ll discover solutions we may not have come to otherwise. Take the time with your partner or in a family discussion to lay out many ideas before picking one.

Teaching children: Use a common everyday problem and before jumping to one solution, think of lots. “I could hide my Legos where my brother can’t find them.” “We could agree to ask one another before playing with the others’ toys.” “We could promise to repair anything we break.” Involve all who were a part of the problem to generate solutions. Children who understand there are many choices in a problem situation are less likely to feel trapped into making an unhealthy decision but can step back and examine the options.

Think ahead to the consequences.

“What are the risks if we say no to the family birthday party? What are the risks if we go?” Understanding the risks and potential consequences for our adult decisions may require research or a gathering of information first. How can we show support for our family and maintain healthy relationships? If weighed carefully, we are much more likely to make a responsible choice and one that all family members can trust (even if there have been disagreements) and feel confident it’s been well-considered.

Teaching children: With the everyday conflict, parents can ask, “What if you tried hiding your Legos from your brother? What might happen?” Think through the realistic consequences with your children of their various solutions – both long and short term. “It might work tomorrow. But what happens when you forget in a few weeks and leave them out on your bedroom floor? Then what?” This is a critical step in helping children think through the outcomes of their choices before making them – important practice for later problems when the stakes are higher.

GREEN LIGHT                                                                                                             

Go! Try out your best plan.

If we’ve discussed our feelings and our options as a family, if we considered our values and the potential consequences of our actions, we can proceed as a unified team trusting one another as we proceed. And we can return after the choices have been made to find out how it went and see if the process worked for us.

Teaching children: Maybe your children have agreed to ask one another before they play with the other’s toy. Try it out right away. See how it works. If it does not work, then talk about it and make slight adjustments or decide on another plan altogether that might work better.

Family meetings can be an ideal time to use this Traffic Light model too. Bring a problem to a meeting that concerns everyone. Select a fairly low stakes problem for the first one to raise at a family meeting. Gain practice with the model and with all family members collaborating on a solution. Watch as your skill as a family progresses and you are able to bring hotter issues to the table.

Though each family is experiencing their own unique set of challenges whether financial, health, emotional or social, we all need to consider how our decisions are impacting ourselves, our family, and our community. Every challenge in our lives is an opportunity for learning, a chance for us to hone our own social and emotional skills and build those essential inner resources in our children. May you seize the chance to reflect on those inner strengths and ways in which you can model and build them. Have a safe, healthy and happy summer!

References

1. Hosmer, L. (1985). Trust: The connecting link between organizational theory and philosophical ethics. Academy of Management Review, Vol. 20(2) 379–403.

2. Weissberg, R.P., Jackson, A.S., & Shriver, T.P. (1993). Promoting positive social development and health practices in young urban adolescents. In M.J. Elias (Ed.). Social decision making and life skills development: Guidelines for middle school educators (pp. 45-77). Gaithersburg, MD: Aspen Publications.

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Posted on July 27, 2023 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

What’s Important to You as We Look Ahead to Back to School Season?

As partners in the Leading with SEL initiative, we want to know how we can support you as you support your children this back to school season! Whether you are a parent, caregiver, educator or serve in another education-related role, we are eager to hear from you! Your answers will guide us in providing valuable information and tips to support your students’ social, emotional and academic learning.

In this brief 3-question survey, we ask what’s most important to you this school year; what are your students most excited about; and what do you want to learn about advancing children’s social and emotional development?

Here’s the quick survey and thanks in advance for your helpful feedback!

Now please return to enjoying summertime!!!! 🙂

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Posted on July 20, 2023 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Engaging Children in Household Chores

Ways to Teach and Motivate at Various Ages and Stages

It’s a Sunday afternoon. Mom and Dad have decided that at ten years of age their daughter, Molly, could be taking more responsibility for her contributions to the household. They attempt to set the stage. Mom puts out a snack for family members. She grabs a clipboard, paper, and marker to create a list together. And all family members sit down for a reasonable discussion. And it begins well. Mom says, “I’ve noticed you consistently making your bed in the morning now after we talked about it a few weeks back and that’s great. That’s exactly the kind of contribution we want to encourage. We thought, since you are getting older and more capable, we’d look at all the ways you can contribute to our household.” Dad agrees, “Yes, we’d like to help you be successful in taking care of your belongings.” And then, it happens. She leans back in her chair – as she often does while eating meals – and her snack dribbles down onto the floor. Dad, witnessing this, says in a frustrated tone “Lean! You’ve got to lean!” which is a refrain he utters frequently at dinnertime as the dining room carpet becomes dotted with food crumbs. Mom and Dad watch Molly’s face as the red hue seems to advance from her chin to forehead. And that’s it – conversation over. She springs out of her chair and off – up to her room.

Perhaps this is a familiar scene to you. Though Mom and Dad attempt to communicate as a team, your child may feel outnumbered. Though you may approach the conversation with the best, most constructive intentions, defensiveness may creep up and when it does, your chances of influencing your child’s behaviors are slim to none. It may end in a power struggle. It may end with scolding or yelling, crying or silence, and certainly with frustrations on all sides. Yet the importance of these discussions throughout your child’s development remains. Yes, they’ll grow more and more capable of taking on responsibilities that they could not attempt in previous years. And not only do you want to make sure that the tasks get accomplished (and you don’t turn into the family nag) but also, you want your child to internalize the desire and skills associated with taking responsibility. So the question becomes, how do you help a child learn to take increasing responsibility for contributing to your household?

There are numerous ways. And I’ll share those tips and helpful tools too. But first, I’ll share the second, far more successful attempt this family took with the responsibility conversation later that day. After Molly stormed to her room, Mom and Dad refilled their coffee (yes, this was a necessary next step!) and sat down to talk with one another about what worked, what didn’t and formulate a game plan. They framed some aspects of the conversation really well. The snack and sitting together was nice. The clipboard ready for their plan was helpful. Recognizing the ways in which Molly already contributed was key. And Molly seemed pleased and responsive to that recognition. They weren’t scolding nor were they acting like they were starting from scratch. She had a history of positively contributing and her parents were noticing those contributions. But the minute Dad shifted to scolding, the power dynamic changed. Before the comment on leaning, there was shared power. But after, there were sides – the parents versus the child. So the team approach they were trying for failed.

As Mom and Dad reflected on this, they talked about how to sustain shared power throughout the conversation. How can we approach Molly so that we invite her feedback and ensure that she’s heard, understood and given a voice and a choice to take ownership of her contributions? When ready, Mom and Dad went to her room. After ample cool down time, they asked if they might talk with her again. Mom and Dad sat down lower than Molly to visually show that they were not attempting to dominate her in this conversation. Dad apologized for the nagging and said this was precisely why they were talking about this – so they wouldn’t be tempted to nag her about anything. “How can you decide on the ways you can contribute and we agree as a family?” they asked. “And how can you find ways to remember so that we don’t have to nag?” Molly was eager to find a way not to be nagged so she helped with creating a list of ways she could take more responsibility. They went through each idea and discussed how she would remember in the moment. The ideas all came from Molly. For leaning over her food at the table during meals, Molly wanted to make a little reminder sign that read, “Please lean” with a smiley face. (Clearly, she wanted a friendly reminder!) And she put a pillow behind her to push her forward in her chair. For screen time limits, she was going to set a timer and shut down the iPad when the timer buzzed.

For each responsibility, Molly figured out a way that she could remember either with a sign or an alarm. Mom, Dad, and Molly ended their family conversation with the agreement to work together to make signs and set alarms to get her prepared to be successful. And so far, Mom and Dad report it has been highly successful (true story!). Molly is keeping up with her chores. And Mom and Dad are making sure to notice and share their appreciation for her actions when they see those helpful behaviors. So what did this family do?

They worked to intentionally…

Engage intrinsic motivation.
Children and adults alike are intrinsically motivated by feeling a sense of autonomy, belonging and competence. Contributing to the care of your family’s home can meet all three of those needs. As you formulate ways to discuss, consider engaging these forms of motivation to help internalize a sense of responsibility.

Understand developmental appropriateness.
At each age and stage, there are tendencies or trends that align with and can serve as helpful motivation for contributing to the care of your home and family. For examples, four-year-olds love jobs they can do. It makes them feel big and competent. But they may struggle with clumsiness and will have short attention spans. Remember that each time they contribute, they are in training for a lifetime of contribution. Give them short, quick tasks for which they can be successful. For young children, allot more time and make it an enjoyable part of their play. Here are some wonderful cleanup songs you can use to send the signal that it’s clean up time.

Making a daily routine of clean up can help ensure success. The following is a printable chart that lists various developmental milestones at particular ages that can support your efforts to involve your child in household responsibilities along with some ideas for task readiness. Household Responsibilities by Age/Stage Printable Chart

Collaborate as a family team.
Do you notice you gain energy for the work ahead when others are digging in alongside of you? It’s true for kids too. Don’t assign and then, kick back and watch. When it’s time to clean up, when it’s time to do laundry, or whatever the chore, family members who work together will get chores accomplished together. Children will feel a greater sense of motivation to contribute if you are working right alongside them.

Authentically empower.
Be sure you allow your child to take responsibility for a task and complete it themselves. Don’t go behind and fix it if you feel it’s not up to your standards. This does not offer a child the sense of satisfaction of completing a task. And if there are a number of tasks, make a checklist so that your child can check off each when completed. Be sure your child is adequately prepared to load the dishwasher or set the table. When introducing a new responsibility, try interactive modeling as a way to teach your child how to contribute.

We, as parents, often forget that children are still learning many ways of doing things that we take for granted. Interactive modeling can be a way to ensure you are doing what you can to help your child learn the actions necessary to meet your expectations. From author Margaret Berry Wilson’s book, Interactive Modeling; A Powerful Technique for Teaching Children, we can learn from this simple seven-step process that teachers use in schools. 1

1. Say what you will model and why.
2. Model the behavior.
3. Ask your child what he noticed.
4. Invite your child to model.
5. Ask what he noticed with his own modeling.
6. Practice together.
7. Provide specific feedback starting with strengths using “I notice…”

The following is an example of how this might look between a parent and child. Be certain and pick a time to do this when you do not have time pressures.

1. You might say, “Watch how I play waiter. You can try it after me!” You could wear an apron like a waiter might or put on a name tag.
2. Now set the table as you would like it and as your child watches and you go through the motions, be sure to notice any areas that may pose difficulties for your child such as getting out and placing knives at each place setting. Address those directly. “Since the knives can be dangerous, I’ll do that part of the process each night and you can do the rest.”
3. Ask, “What did you notice when I was acting like a waiter?”
4. You might say, “Okay, your turn to pretend to be the waiter.” Dress him up in the apron and name tag to maintain the fun.
5. After he plays his role ask, “What did you notice when you did it?”
6. Now practice it together. Don’t skip this! It’s important that your child gets the chance to work alongside you while cooperatively going through the process.
7. In providing feedback, be specific and start with strengths. “I noticed you handled the silverware carefully. Terrific! When you put the napkins down, be sure to count so that each person gets one.” If you share too many issues, your child might tune out so pick your top area for improvement only.

Brainstorm solutions to challenges.
If you find yourself in a position similar to Molly’s parents where they were hearing themselves regularly nagging to get tasks accomplished, then go back to the drawing board. Brainstorm solutions to specific challenges to eliminate nagging. For more on brainstorming solutions with your child, check out this article.

Recognize and celebrate but don’t bait.
It’s critical to notice and point out when your children are contributing. This may seem insignificant but your words can have a reinforcing effect so that they are much more apt to continue the positive behavior. “I notice you put away your dishes without my asking!” is all you need say. If your family team accomplishes a larger project, going out for ice cream, watching an enjoyable movie, and simply doing a family team cheer can further celebrate your hard work.

Many parents and teachers use reward stickers or charts to guide home contributions trying to incentivize work. Others pay for chores through an allowance or a pay-per-task. Though it may seem an easy solution, it does not help children internalize their role as a caring family member and contributor. It does not send the message, “we contribute to the care of our home because we are part of this family.” Instead, it serves as bait and sometimes may not be enticing enough to keep the motivation high.

I tested this motivation theory with my own son on three different occasions. We brainstormed a list of regular responsibilities and additional ones that could be done for payment. Consistently the ones that were on his regular responsibilities’ list were accomplished and he didn’t touch the other ones. Why? Play was far more important on his agenda. “At any age, rewards are less effective than intrinsic motivation for promoting effective learning” states Alfie Kohn, author of Punished by Rewards; The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise and Other Bribes.2

Why not engage their intrinsic motivation for feelings of autonomy, belonging and competence and work with them on the skills and processes necessary to internalize that sense of responsibility? You will be teaching your kids how to be a substantial contributor in a family. And that will serve them on school projects, collaborative teams at work and in their own roles as parents someday. It will take patience. But rest assured, practicing responsibility at home is practice for a lifetime of caring contributions.

References:

  1. Wilson, M.B. (2012). Interactive modeling; A powerful technique for teaching children. Turners Falls, MA: Northeast Foundation for Children.
    2. Kohn, A. (1999). Punished by Rewards; The Trouble with Gold Stars, Incentive Plans, A’s, Praise and Other Bribes. NY: Houghton Mifflin.

Originally published March 22, 2018.

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Posted on July 20, 2023 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Device Break Family Fun Games for your Summer Road Trip

We’re going on a road trip, a road trip, a road trip.
We’re going on a road trip to see what we can see!

During the past few years, we have embraced the glory of road trips. We’ve driven to interesting places near and far – farther than we ever imagined driving versus flying in order to discover beautiful sights and differing vistas. Yet again, we are packing and preparing for our next family adventure on the road with our 13-year-old. And yes, he’ll have plenty of time on his device. However on our journey, we create fun breaks from social media or gaming to give his weary eyes a break and his brain and heart a chance to focus on live, in-person connection and interacting as a family. We’ll use some of the following that seem more teen-appropriate while others may suit your needs with younger children.

You may typically venture out on a number of small road trips during the summer months taking advantage of the freedom and warm weather. Or like us, your family vacation has involved more driving and less flying. It’s tempting to hand a child an iPad and allow the video games and programs to fill the idle time. Then I think back to my own road trips as a child, sometimes thirteen hours in a non-air-conditioned car, and of course, with no handy portable device to fill my time. I recall being happily consumed with my crayons and a sketch pad. I filled every single page with drawings of sand castles, mermaids and sea creatures anticipating our vacation at the beach. But now, my son, who is so used to easily accessible entertainment and high level of stimulation, seems to require more than just that trusty old sketch pad. But engage him with a family game, and he is delighted to play. If packing and getting out of the house is a stressful time, these silly, playful games help reconnect you as a family and set the tone that you are leaving the stress behind and on your way to more good times together.

The following car games can offer ways to connect as a family and build cooperative skills all the while enjoying your time together. It can set a collaborative tone preparing all family members for a positive adventure together.

Cooperative Storytelling

One person begins a story with a main character and a setting. Start with a few juicy details – “One day a giant sea turtle named Freddy sauntered down the isle of a grocery store looking for his favorite potato chips…” and then pass off the story to the next person to fill in what comes next. Offer a few sentences and then continue to pass the story along with each family member contributing key details to move your adventure forward. In my experience, the stories that emerge from these games are a joy and delight with surprises around every corner! Our family loves this game!

Where in the World Guessing Game

“Where in the world is E?” we ask and E begins to describe his surroundings. He picks any city, community or habitat in the world and offers details about the attributes of his environment without naming it and we have to guess the place.

Creature Guessing Game

Similarly, one person thinks of a creature. All of the guessers ask questions of the individual with a creature in mind. “Is it small, medium or large? Does it live in the forest? Does it eat plants or animals?” When you have enough details, guess the creature. Go around and give each person the chance to think of an animal.

Name the Face

See if you can express an emotion with only your facial expression. (This could be tricky for drivers!) Think of the emotion and perform the facial expression of that emotion. See if others can guess what you are feeling.

More, More!

Select a category such as ice cream flavors, popular songs or amusement park rides. Call out as many different kinds as you can until you’ve exhausted your list of ideas. This offers practice in brainstorming, a valuable skill used in coming up with solutions to a problem.

Cell Phone

Do you remember the old game Telephone? Think of a sentence. Start simple and make them more challenging as you go. Whisper it into the ear of another family member. Each person whispers to the next person exactly what they heard whispered in their ear. Have the last person say what they heard aloud. It’s ideal if you can go quickly and try it a couple of times. Then you are able to see if listening and communication improves with practice and focus.

You Write the Songs

Pick out a family favorite song – one that everyone knows. Now select a favorite animal (your pet?), place (your school?) or person (your best friend?). Change the words of the song to describe or tell the story of that creature or place. Make sure all family members have the chance to contribute. Practice and sing it with gusto!

Radio Story

Turn on the radio. Listen to the first station that plays. Is it a song or a commercial. Now cooperatively tell the background story of the song or commercial. How was the song written? Why was the product developed (if a commercial)? What story does it really tell? Make it imaginative, the crazier, the better. None of it should be based on real facts. Each family member can add details to your radio backstory.

Social Dilemmas

Tweens and teens are often fascinated with social dilemmas since they are dealing with more complex social issues regularly. This may interest that age group. One person offers a social problem such as a friend wants to get on the highway with her friends and drive out of town without telling anyone. What do you do? Or an animal is about to get run over by a car in the road at the same time your toddler brother is running down the street. What do you do? These can offer interesting ethical considerations and turn into involving conversations. The trick for parents is to remain in open-minded dialogue mode, offering ideas and not criticizing.

Try out these road trip games or create your own and watch the time fly past as you laugh and creatively, cooperatively play with your family. Happy adventures!

IMG_1321

Resource:

Our Grandma Linda sent us a gift this Spring that we’ve started to use at our Sunday night family dinners entitled And Then, Story Starters, 20 Imaginative Beginnings. It’s a book-size deck of cards, each with its own riveting story starter. These prompts offer rich details from which to build and could be of great use if you want to try the cooperative storytelling and would like help in getting started.

We also like to use Story Cubes to help us initiate storytelling.

This is a CPCK favorite article originally published in May, 2017.

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Posted on July 13, 2023 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Summertime Drama; Using Emotional Moments as Key Teaching Opportunities

Frowning faces, furrowed brows, and grumpy expressions may describe your family members’ expressions in the middle of summer as we work hard and play hard. Transition times can be tough particulary if children are hot, sweaty and tired. Siblings can begin to get on one another’s nerves being around one another more often – not to mention our own. And responsibilities can fall by the wayside – even if minor and small (“we forgot the bug spray, the sun tan lotion, the bathing suit!”) – and innervate even the most patient of caregivers. But summer can also offer the ideal conditions for teaching invaluable lessons about children’s challenging emotions. With some intentionality and a playful spirit, your family can practice some of life’s most important lessons this summer.

Teaching about emotions through the dramatic arts is older than the Bard himself. Let’s examine the Inuit families who live in the Arctic regions of Canada, Alaska, Greenland and Russia. They make the acting out of anger, our reactions to anger and it’s possible outcomes with their children a widely-used and accepted part of their parenting practices. In fact, Ethnographer Jean Briggs who lived and studied Inuit families reported “…something remarkable was going on in these families: The adults had an extraordinary ability to control their anger.”1 Evidence on how parents were teaching children about anger was found in the consistent healthy management of anger by adults in the community years later. And their formula was simple. When a child gets angry, so their tradition goes, it poses an opportunity to teach a child about how to react. Inuit parents will stop in that heated moment or revisit It later. They act out together how the anger feels from one person to the other including what they feel like doing with the feeling, and if/when they lash out, how it feels to the other person, the consequences to the relationship, and how to repair harm if caused. There’s much we can learn from this! Check out the full article from National Public Radio here entitled How Inuit Parents Raise Children to Control Their Anger.

As tensions continue in our family lives, there’s an important opportunity of the moment if we seize it. The big feelings we are all encountering daily and weekly provide a common experience among adults and the children they love. What better chance do we have of teaching our children emotional intelligence than at a time when their emotions are running at a fever pitch? I know what you may be thinking now, Reader. “How can I possibly teach emotional intelligence when I’m feeling overwhelmed, run down, and highly anxious myself?” Well, it’s a good question. And you can! Let me explain.

It helps to draw upon a research-backed framework that gives four essential factors of parenting resilience.2 They are:

  1. Social connection and support;
  2. Knowledge of parenting and child development;
  3. Social and emotional competence of children; and
  4. Ability to ask for and accept help.

This framework provides the hope that as you gain knowledge of your own role as a parent (you are doing that right now!), you can learn ways in which to promote your child’s social and emotional skills which, in turn, will offer you greater empathy, patience, and sense of agency and competence. In other words, you’ll have greater endurance for the marathon of stress you are surely running parenting in complex times. Learning how to manage your own stress and teaching your children how to manage their own big feelings in healthy ways just may be one of the most significant opportunities of our time. Preparing this generation with the tools to be change-makers to solve the problems our world faces will require that social and emotional training.

Check out my simple ideas for transforming the drama of the moment into a vital lesson for the future.

  1. Invest in the Pause. 

No matter what is going on, no matter your level of frustration, the pause is your best friend. It will transform any immediate reactions based on impulse that may leave you with regret later. Impulse and feeling happen instantly but thought takes a moment. So allow your reaction to be informed by your thoughts by pausing in the midst of the drama. Have a hard time stopping the escalation? Say “stop” or “time out” aloud — for yourself. This will assist your whole body and brain even when highly upset in taking that essential pause. Even better, agree with your family on a word or phrase (such as, “freeze”) you’ll say to each other when there’s a need to pause the drama.

  1. Ask, Listen, Accept.

Though we often think we know exactly what our child are thinking and feeling, we don’t. We may pride ourselves on knowing them best. Yet, the very fact that they are children or teens means that they approach life differently than we do. Though it may be tempting to assume, it’s important that we ask them what’s going on for them. Our fears and worries often are not theirs. But they can become theirs if we engage in projections and assumptions. So as you pause and take a moment to breathe before responding, be sure and ask, “What are you thinking? What are you feeling?” and listen carefully so that you address the problem they are perceiving. And then, whatever feelings they share, we need to be ready to accept them — even those that make us uncomfortable or annoyed. And there are those days when we are right on the verge of our own explosion when it feels like one more challenging feeling from our child will make us erupt. If we reach that near boiling point, go back to the start. Invest in the pause. Breathe. Write down your own feelings. Validate what’s going on for you. Then, return to your child to accept that their hearts are never wrong, that we accept their emotions helping them feel supported and understood.

  1. Brainstorm Healthy Ways to Respond – Together.

Working together to think of healthy ways to respond teaches your child that they have options in any problem and can take steps to feel better and make better choices.  Generating ideas together also takes the heavy lift off of the parent to fix the situation or figure it all out. In fact, if the parent engages in fixes, they rob the child of their social and emotional learning opportunity. But co-creating solutions scaffolds their participation in learning about healthy coping skills and making responsible decisions.

  1. Reenact the drama.

When the heat has died down, create a moment to return to the drama for the purpose of learning. It may look a bit differently depending upon the age of the child.

For young children – Pretend play is a hallmark of young children and they are ready to engage in dramatic reenactments on a moment’s notice. So use this to help advance their emotional skills. Be sure and get down on your young child’s level to equalize power. This is important. Make it simple. “I’m so mad. I can feel my face is red. I feel hot. What do you look like when you’re mad?” Make faces at each other — the more dramatic, the better. Then ask, “What can we do or say to feel better?” Be sure that you think of options that cool the heat. In other words, don’t raise voices or throw pillows. Instead, hug a pillow, or get a cool drink of water. Discover together multiple ways to feel better.

Elementary-aged Children – You might ask, “What happens to make you mad?” Then, play act out the story your child offers. Whether it’s a classmate sneering at a joke your child makes or you telling your child to get off screens, you might offer, “let’s act it out and see how it goes.” Try out your own respective roles. “I cannot believe you are making me get off video games now! It’s so unfair!” And you offer what you might say in response, “It’s not right. You know the rules. You’ve taken more time than you are allowed anyway.” Now call, “Time out!” Stop the action. Ask some reflective questions about the moment. “What were you feeling in your body to indicate you were mad?” This raises self-awareness. You may share your own typical physical symptoms you feel when you’re mad as a model. ”I can tell my heart starts racing. I heat up too. What can we do to get to a better place?” Brainstorm together ideas for feeling better and addressing the problem at hand without placing blame or criticizing. And if justice is at issue, anger is a critical emotion to help motivate to action. Discuss what your child can do to right wrongs in ways that create fairness and respect.

Tweens and Teens – This age group is particularly interested in social dynamics and drama. So play on this interest. When friends argue or someone on social media gets mad, what does it look like? What does it sound like? Place your teen in the role of youth culture expert and learn from their experiences. Ask for the full story including what happens when a friend or social media icon “loses it.” What happens in the moment? And even more importantly, what happens later to their reputation? Then, play act It out. You might ask, “Show me how it sounds” and then, “Did this cause harm to you or others?” and if so, “What could this person have done instead?”  Be sure and reflect back that anger can be a vital emotion for moving a person to change, to take action, to right a wrong, or correct an injustice. The question to ask then is, “How can you use your strong feelings to pause and consider how to bring greater justice, fairness and respect to the situation?”

With the busy pace of our lives alone, we are living through times that produce big feelings for adults and children. We can offer our children and teens a pathway to building strength and resilience if we teach them how to use their anger productively and constructively. Take these small family fires as opportunities to teach your children that they can be change-makers today and you’ll help prepare them for a bright future.

References:

  1. Doucleff, M. & Greenhalgh, J. (2019). How Inuit Parents Raise Teach Kids to Control their Anger. National Public Radio.
  2. Center for the Study of Social Policy (2018). Framework for Parental Resilience; Protective and Promotive Factors; https://cssp.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/ProtectiveFactorsActionSheets.pdf

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Posted on July 6, 2023 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

How Do We Cultivate Agency in Our Kids and Ourselves?

What is agency? How can we build it in our kids?

“I feel confident when I walk down the hallway. I’m not afraid to talk to any of the kids in my grade,” reports my son after a mere two weeks in a brand new school. Perhaps it’s the contrast offering him a newfound sense of agency. In his previous school, he was ignored or judged, even bullied. Because of the criticism, he didn’t feel safe to share himself with others. As parents, it was heartbreaking. His new school has created many and multiple ways for students to get to know one another on a personal level – well before school began and in these first weeks – and they’ve done the same for the parents. There’s a curiosity and genuine interest, effort and care put into getting to know who he is and who we are as valued members of the community. Along with care and effort, there’s a shared principle that is spoken often about the need for and value of differences and learning from and enjoying the experience of getting to know other races, cultures, genders, interests, personalities, learning styles and passions.

So what is agency and why do we need it? Agency is simply “feeling in command of our lives,” write Paul Napper and Anthony Rao in “The Power of Agency.”1 When we feel agency, we feel like our roles and participation in a family, school or community can make a difference in our own and others’ lives. Our presence matters. These researchers found there was a direct link between confidence and an ability to meet challenges (which is what the Confident Parents work is all about!). Sounds simple, right? Yet, it’s far from simple since social structures, our family or work environment and our very own stories about ourselves in relation to the world can work against it.

I’ve heard many educators and parents articulating feelings that suggest they do not have a sense of agency over the past months. I’ve heard individuals say they have felt overwhelmed, frightened and anxious from the many uncertainties and challenges they’ve been facing. And interestingly, though Napper and Rao wrote their book before the last three years, they cite so many of the conditions we face as attacking our sense of agency including:

  • increased use and reliance on technology (and less human interaction);
  • less physical movement;
  • isolation; and
  • rapid change that overextends our ability to adapt.

The good news is agency is learned —which means we always have the opportunity to cultivate it. If we know we are operating on fear, we have a chance to course correct. Each time we stay in the present moment (versus recounting the pains of the past), we are gaining on our ability to have control over our lives. When we accept what is (even though what is might be messy, complicated and unexpected), we begin to open ourselves to the opportunities of how we might be powerful in the now…how our current choices might impact others or change dynamics or improve – even in small ways – the health of our relationships. Better still, when we can articulate our sense of purpose, our “why” for being on the planet, we can return again and again to that core sense of meaning and belonging.

Parents or educators who feel like victims, who react as if others are out to get them and they are innocent and helpless will feel anxiety, may feel depression and despair, and certainly will not cultivate a mindset in their children or students that helps them feel like the leader of their own life. And we all have those moments or times. Since we cannot truly cultivate agency in our children without first cultivating it in ourselves, I’m sharing tips on how we can cultivate it in ourselves – or recalibrate if we’ve had it and then, lost it – along with our children:

Pause and Reflect.

Agency is only available when you slow down. It begins to appear when you pause and think about your thinking (meta-cognition). If you are too busy to stop, breathe, get quiet and listen within, you run the risk of catching others’ fears and anxieties, exacerbating your own anxiousness and reacting on impulse. By taking this all-important pause, you identify which inner and outer voices are authentic and necessary to meet the challenges of the moment. And you have the ability to access a greater wisdom to allow your best self to emerge.

Recount your Latest Stories.

Slipping into this victim/helpless mindset is an easy move during these complex times. If we have to fight for our safety, our rights, or our choices, we may slip into an us versus them mentality feeling victimized. For this reason, it’s important we check our stories – you know, the ones we tell ourselves as we go through life when our tire has a hole in it, or the package was delivered to the wrong house, or your child refuses to practice her instrument. Consider the last time you were challenged by someone. Tell that story to yourself again in writing. Now review what you wrote and consider these questions: 

  • Was there someone(s) to blame for your challenge other than you?
  • Did you feel a lack of control?
  • Did you act in any way that helped you feel better?

Reframe your Story.

If your first two answers were “yes,” it’s important you look at revising your story. How can you retell it without placing blame? Better still, how can you find empathy and compassion for the others involved in your story – or in other words, what’s their story? Surely, their story also involves challenge and perhaps, pain. Flip that second question around and ask yourself, what can you control? And if you did not act in a way that made you feel better, what can you think of that you could have done? And what can you do if it happens again? If you get in the habit of reframing or retelling your stories of challenge in this way, you will cultivate agency.

Set a Positive Goal.

This is a simple yet powerful strategy from Roger Weissberg’s Social Problem-solving curriculum. It’s not enough to tell a story in which you retain some control or power. In addition, you need to set a pro-social, positive goal. What will be a healthy goal for you and for those you are in relationship with? A goal focuses your attention and energies in the right direction and if it is aligned with your core purpose, serves as a powerful navigation system so that you can return to a place of agency even when fear takes you temporarily off-course.

Take Small Steps.

Now use that goal to guide your purpose-driven action. Even and especially small and regular action toward your healthy, pro-social goal will help you experience the fact that you do have some control and you are moving in the right direction. You don’t have to convince your body and brain of that you have influence. They are convinced because of the steps you are taking.

Equate Every Challenge with Opportunity

Those who have well-articulated their purpose and have set and are working toward positive goals aligned with their purpose can also benefit by seeing every challenge as an opportunity to build and engage a social and emotional skill. Deepening our self-awareness and exercising our self-management skills will help us stay on course and deal with the big emotions that will shift even dramatically with challenging times. Our ever-growing social awareness allows us to find the empathy and compassion for others who are suffering, in pain or may not feel a sense of agency. We may discover new ways to assist those who live in fear. Our relationship skills are frequently put to the test as we attempt to motivate students or co-create safety rules with our children. How will we listen reflectively? How will we communicate in ways that create safety and show care? And finally, how can we make choices that come from a place of wisdom versus reactivity (or responsible decision-making)?

Keep in mind that if you are feeling particularly anxious or fearful, the people around you may increase your fear if they are feeling and experiencing it too. Anxiousness is contagious. So be sure and surround yourself with open-minded, life-giving individuals who are grounded in their sense of purpose and also taking positive steps toward their goals.

Children may have particular challenges related to agency. And those who are marginalized because of their skin color, heritage, native language (or other feature) will have even greater challenges in feeling a sense of agency. Jagers et al. write about the role of moral agency, that “people refrain from wrongdoing toward others and the proactive engagement in humane behavior.”2 Children need to learn from parents and teachers that they are capable contributors to their family, school and community and if they are angered or hurt by an injustice, they have the power to do something about it whether it involves resistance or persistence in making positive changes. Children and teens need adults who will allow for and elevate their voices. They are not just rule-followers in an adult world. But they are significant influencers and need to use their agency to create positive change. That opportunity requires parents and teachers who create those safe spaces for children to take risks in raising their voices and taking socially responsible action.

How will you discover or rediscover your sense of agency? And how will you guide your children to that gift that keeps on giving?

Further Resources:

Service learning, or community service tied to learning and reflection in the curriculum is a structured and powerful way for students to experience agency. For more on service learning, check out the Center for Service Learning Practice with many resources.

References

1. Napper, P. & Rao, A. (2019). The Power of Agency; The Seven Principles to Conquer Obstacles,  Make Effective Decisions, and Create a Life on your own Terms. NY: St. Martin’s Press.

2. Robert J. Jagers, Deborah Rivas-Drake & Brittney Williams (2019) Transformative Social and Emotional Learning (SEL): Toward SEL in Service of Educational Equity and Excellence, Educational Psychologist, 54:3, 162-184, DOI: 10.1080/00461520.2019.1623032

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Posted on June 29, 2023 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

The Positive Ripple Effects of Sibling Kindness

…And Specific Simple Strategies for Families

“My child gets a new toy, shows it off and then rips it away telling her sibling, ‘No! You can’t play with it!’”

“I want my children to feel grateful for her brothers and for their toys and our life together.”

“If one has it, the other one wants it. It’s that simple.”

“I deal with so much bickering between brother and sister.”

“How do you adjust for their ages? How do you not require the older one to always give up something for the younger one?”

“My older son pokes the younger one to taunt him and it gets him upset every time.”

These concerns were the subject of my conversation with a local Mom’s Club yesterday. This group of parents’ biggest worries centered around sibling relationships. And there is wisdom in focusing on the central role they play in our children’s development. In fact, researchers have concluded that sibling relationships are unique from any other in that they can be as influential as both adult-child relationships and peer-to-peer interactions.1 

Further, the frequent and often emotionally charged social exchanges of siblings serve as an impetus for social and emotional development as young children work to establish their status in the sibling relationship and their niche in the family.2

Though the trend in family size shows decreasing numbers, in 82% of U.S. families with children under the age of 18, there is at least one sibling.3 Researchers consistently find that siblings do serve as role models with younger siblings tending to imitate older siblings more frequently than the reverse.4, 5 How parents foster sibling relationships and treat all members in a family can help shape that influence on their children’s social and emotional development. Roles and identities in a family begin to take shape early and can have an impact on a child’s sense of confidence and ability to achieve. 

Siblings can become competitive with one another, fighting over possessions, or achievement status, or Mom and Dad’s attention. But they can also foster greatness in one another. An older sibling can protect a younger sibling from household dangers. And sisters and brothers can play in ways that build social and emotional competence as they take one another’s perspective, negotiate the melding of their imaginations and create worlds together. In addition, they can work toward understanding how to be in close age relationships in healthy ways working through problems together, healing hurts, forgiving, and showing love for one another.

There is much parents can do in small, simple ways to cultivate sibling kindness. One of the most important can be cultivated as habits of thinking. You might consider:

  • How do you talk about your gratefulness for each family member and for your good life together?
  • How do you talk about the unique gifts of each individual sibling as special and essential in your family (avoiding comparison)?
  • How do you take notice of positive, kind behaviors between and among siblings?

Though it may seem obvious, regularly discussing gratitude helps cultivate grateful thinking in our children. And while we may get daily doses of negativity from social media or other sources, we may have to become more intentional about voicing our gratitude for our lives with one another. Picking a time of day in which to do it consistently helps cultivate the habit. 

In addition, do you point out when you see siblings getting along, working together? We may tend to quickly pour our coffee and breathe a sigh of relief when our children are playing at a peaceful hum. And though you don’t want to break that peace-filled play reverie (nor do you need to), take note to say a word about it later. “I notice that you and your sister were building a fort this afternoon as a team working together. I just love seeing that!” Those simple recognitions will go a long way toward promoting more of the same.

In addition, sharing toys and dealing with possessions in a family can become a regular challenge particularly with young children. How does a parent deal with the issue of sharing so as not to prioritize one over another and to teach valuable social lessons?

Parents can keep in mind that toys are not simply entertainment vehicles for children as we might tend to view them. Instead, they are tools for development. And as such, they play a critical role in a child’s life. This is not to claim that every toy is critical but all toys can be viewed as having the potential to support learning. So when a child is heavily engaged in playing with a toy hammer working hard on his fine motor skills and its taken away, it’s no wonder he cries in anger and upset. Parent enforced sharing can easily become a power struggle and sends the message that your child’s learning is not sacred and important but can be shifted to the other child in a moment’s notice. It does help to establish a simple, clear rule about turn-taking and also, to practice turn-taking as a family.

Here are some helpful tips for teaching turn-taking with young children!

  1. Establish the “Do No Harm” Rule.

In other words, play can be acceptable as long as each individual stays safe and respects the safety of the toys or tools and the household environment. As long as people or things remain undamaged, then children’s play can continue. If harm is caused, guide each child to repair harm. See more on this important topic below.

  1. Put Away the Most Sacred.

Perhaps there is a single teddy bear, in our case, Betsy Bear, who is beloved. When we have others over for playdate or even if siblings are playing together with toys strewn about, we are careful to put Betsy Bear away in a safe place in the closet. After all, that one toy would cause great upset if she were to be harmed. We don’t put away multiple toys but each child can have one very sacred toy that can be theirs alone to keep safe and away from the playing area.

3. Practicing Turn Taking.

Young children can benefit from a number of opportunities to practice. Not only does it help them at home, but also it prepares them for interactions in playgroups and eventually in preschool. Practice at dinnertime with the whole family and be sure and model the behavior first. “Momma is taking a turn with the salt shaker. Once I’m finished, I’ll let Daddy have his turn.” Then, just before going into a time of day when play is taking place, remind of your practice. “Remember how we took turns at dinner. Let’s try that out today.”

Here are various fun games that can easily be played at home that could involve turn-taking. Some are quick and some are more elaborate. 

Ball play – kicking or rolling the ball back and forth

Hide and seek – take turns hiding and seeking each round

Bake – make something yummy and take turns measuring and pouring ingredients

Hopscotch – take turns hopping down the numbers

Vehicle Obstacle Course – create an easy obstacle course on your driveway for their bikes. Use cones or sticks or stuffed animals that they must ride around. Maybe they have to pick up a stuffed animal on the other side of a series of rocks. This can be easy and fun!

Music Making – Put on some music and get out one instrument to play with it. Allow the siblings to take turns banging the drum or humming on the kazoo to the music.

4. Take Time to Address Upset.

If fighting occurs, take the time required to help each child calm down. Perhaps they need to seek a comfort item like a blanket or a quiet space. When all have had a chance to calm down, then focus on feelings. Reflect back what you thought you saw. To sister: “You seemed mad and sad when your brother grabbed your toy, is that right?” And to brother: “you seemed angry at your sister for not giving the toy to you. Is that right?” 

Emphasize that we are all learning how to play together cooperatively. Do not place blame. If a child needs to repair harm of a broken toy or broken feelings, help him or her do that. Then, focus on how all can feel better. Talk about comforting activities. Will drawing help? Will a walk outside to get fresh air help? Change the playthings and if you can, the environment to recreate the energy and start fresh.

Here are some helpful tips for encouraging sibling kindness at any age! 

1. Conduct an Attention Audit

To children, our attention is a reward. What do we reinforce each day through our attention? Also, is one child in particular receiving more positive or negative feedback? Ask yourself the following questions to raise your awareness about the balance of your encouraging, supportive comments versus your critical ones. Go through these questions for each child and then, consider how your attention may be perceived between siblings.

  • What are typical daily comments I make in relation to _______________ (insert family members) behavior?
  • How many of those comments are about problems I observe?
  • How many of those comments recognize positive contributions?
  • How frequently do I comment on that particular problem behavior? (twice a day, weekly?)
  • Does the behavior truly harm the child or others or property? And if so, how can I facilitate a behavior change by modeling or coaching? If not, how can I let it go?

2. Model Sibling Kindness

How can you practice being kind to one another? Practicing turn-taking with toys is certainly one way. But when your family is spending free time together, how can you model kind behaviors you want to see in your children? Can you demonstrate helping behaviors from one child to the other? One way to model with young children is to show them how to act  kindly, for example, by putting away another child’s toy. And then, taking it the next step, by asking if the child might teach her favorite doll or bear how to treat their sibling kindly. Watch as she plays demonstrates gently putting another toy in its place.

3. Notice and Reinforce Sibling Kindness

Children will reproduce behaviors that we name and recognize – whether positive or negative. Look for even small acts of care between siblings and call them out. “I notice you held the door for your brother. That was a caring gesture.” Make discussions of spotting kindness a regular part of your dinner conversation recognizing any family members small acts. Children will learn that it is a family value and will begin to notice more themselves as well as, replicate the behaviors you are paying attention to.

4. Set a Positive Goal.

During a family discussion, identify particularly challenging times. For example, “It seems like right before dinner when we are tired from the day and hungry, we typically get into arguments about using screens or which toys should be shared.” Take a moment to share ideas on alternatives for those moments. Ask, “what could we do instead to get along during that time?” Then, set a positive goal. You might decide, “We will work as a team to help prepare for dinner so that we can move toward eating quickly.” If you begin a playtime with a goal of collaboration, children are much more likely to focus on solving problems and working together. Just before entering those challenging times of day, be sure and provide a helpful, gentle reminder. “Remember our teamwork goal.”

5. Support Siblings in Repairing Harm.

When damage has been done to a plaything or a person, a child needs to learn to take responsibility for the harm caused by working to repair it and that includes both physical or psychological. Parents can lead a child through this process and teach the invaluable skill of responsible decision-making. When Joey breaks his sister’s Barbie doll, Mom can work with Joey to repair it. But in addition to the physical repairing of harm, Joey may have hurt his sister’s feelings. So Mom could ask Joey how he thinks he could help his sister feel better. Asking your child how they might repair hurt feelings helps him think through alternatives. He may offer his sister a hug or help her with a project she’s working on. However he chooses to help, the parent can support  Joey in following through. This prepares siblings with practice so that they can be prepared to make things better on their own during playtime.

Sibling relationships play a shaping role in children’s social and emotional development. Those relationships translate into the ways that your children build friendships and treat others in school or beyond. There’s much parents can do to create a home culture that fosters kindness, acceptance, and gratitude. By simply focusing on recognizing and promoting care between brothers and sisters, children are much more likely to regularly show loving kindness to one another. 

References:

1. McHale, S.M., Updegraff, K.A., & Whiteman, S.D. (2012). Sibling relationships and influences in childhood and adolescence. Journal of Marriage and Family, Sept. 24.

2. Dunn J. Sibling relationships in early childhood. Child Development. 1983;54:787–811.

3. King et al. (2010). Integrated Public Use Micro-data Series, Current Population Survey: Version 3.0. Minneapolis: University of Minnesota. 

4. Brim OG. (1958). Family structure and sex role learning by children: A further analysis of Helen Koch’s data. Sociometry. 21:1–16.

5. Abramovitch R, Corter CM, Lando B. (1979). Sibling interaction in the home. Child Development. 50:997–1003.

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Posted on June 22, 2023 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Preventing “Summer Slide” Recording and Resources

Happy Summer Solstice to you!

For some, summer break is well underway for some weeks now. For others, it’s only just beginning. I loved working with the Panorama Education experts as we talked about supporting students’ transitions from school to summer, their summer “lite” routine, and then from summer back to school again.

Takeru “TK” Nagayoshi and Nick Woolf of Panorama Education shared three new strategies and Jennifer Miller of CPCK shared her own three strategies.

Check out the recording and resources here!

Thanks for the opportunity to partner, Panorama Education!

And happy summertime to you and your family!

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Posted on June 15, 2023 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

The Great Quest to Reimagine Fatherhood

by Jason P. Miller, MA, PCC

When someone says “be a real man,” what do you think they mean?  Usually, this phrase is uttered to convey a wish for a man to project a tough exterior; to be strong (usually physically); and to express a chiseled and stoic affect. If a “real man” is permitted to feel anything, it is usually anger, because that is the most useful emotion for conquering and defending, which is historically what is expected. In other words, a “real man” is a warrior: someone who exists to protect and fight for something important. Historically that could mean territory, principles, rights, and/or your family.

In family life, traditionally the “real man” is expected to provide safety and security, and his value and respect is measured by how much he is able to do this. In the workplace, a “real man” is hailed when he rises to a position of power in a hierarchy (read: power over others). Fame and fortune is the hallmark of a “real man”, because those are the traditional indicators of overcoming hardship and barriers placed on him from external circumstances. This typically has included people who stand in the way of “success.”

While this picture of the traditional “real man” may not be as universally common as it once was, it is hard to deny that these themes still widely pervade our world today. Look no further than the daily dramas centered on winning and dominating in any sector. Whether it be politics, business, media, science, education, or healthcare, we still experience cultures and leaders who are celebrated for playing the mythic “conquering warrior.” While many say that “this is the way things are and have always been”, there is and has always been a fundamental flaw with the balance of power in this paradigm. Certainly, all of our external systems need re-calibrating at a minimum and overhauling at a maximum. Yet, there is another institution that holds perhaps the greatest potential to change the imbalance of power in our world: the institution of fatherhood.

If we dream of a future in which more of us are able to focus on lives of thriving rather than just surviving, we cannot get there without reimagining the identity and role of fathers in family life. If we want a future marked by cooperation, care, compassion, and collective well-being rather than competition, winning, and personal economic gain, then we need to envision, build, and reinforce a new identity of fatherhood that embodies these ideals. This is the great quest to reimagine fatherhood.

The great quest is one that seeks to destroy the outdated and harmful identity of the conquering warrior and create in its place the identity of the nurturing partner in development and potential. Make no bones about it – this quest is not easy, not simple, and not done in a moment. It requires any of us who hold the privilege of being a father to commit to a long-term journey of truthful self-exploration, unlearning old narratives and habits, and persisting in the ongoing changing of how we show up in the world. With any quest, the journey will present us with challenges and trials that require ample doses of courage, strength, intelligence, and skills. But, this quest will not have us conquering someone else, or even looking to change something that is outside of ourselves. Rather, our courage will need to turn inward to examine the internal barriers we hold up to protect ourselves from the vulnerability of intimate relationships.

The courageous inner journey of the reimagined father requires dads to embrace their imperfections; to lean into their greatest fears; to challenge and disrupt habitual patterns of thoughts tied to old stories and beliefs; and to be willing to surrender to a purpose greater than oneself. It is a quest for dads to personally accept and express love through warmth, and to become more balanced and whole by embracing their nurturing side. The quest is indeed one that is perilous; one that is fraught with uncertainty and potential loss of self as anyone who has attempted it knows. But it is a quest worth taking because of the powerful role of modeling that we hold as fathers in family life. This is the only real chance we have as fathers to change the trajectory of generations to come.

The great quest to reimagine fatherhood starts with you, Dad. If you want to make the world a better place, first take a look at yourself, and then commit to changing who you are. You can bring balance and thriving to the world by embracing a new identity within your own family by modeling these ideals yourself. Your family lineage depends on your willingness to accept this great quest.

Jason Miller has over twenty-five years of experience as an Organizational Development leader, coach, and consultant as founder of Inner Sound, and serves on the faculty of the Hudson Institute of Coaching. Jason is father to a teenage son.

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Posted on June 13, 2023 by confidentparentsconfidentkids

Join Us!

Panorama Education Experts Nick Woolf and Takeru Nagayoshi along with Confident Parents, Confident Kids’ Founder Jennifer Miller will offer both educators and parents/caregivers specific, practical strategies for summertime to keep the learning alive. These proven strategies can not only boost academic learning but also social and emotional learning during the summer months so you can feel confident students will be ready to thrive in the back-to-school season.

Sign up free for this one hour live webinar this coming Thursday, June 15th!

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One reader and President of a Mom’s Club in Gaithersburg, MD writes, “on first reading...phenomenal! Exactly what I needed right now. I just started checking out books again, feeling like I was doing "something" wrong. I just wasn't feeling great about some of my interactions and felt like I needed a jump start. This blog is putting me back in the right mind frame. It is informative, supportive, yummy! It just makes me feel capable..and like I am talking to my best friend about it!”
Maurice Elias, author of Emotionally Intelligent Parenting and Psychology Professor at Rutgers University writes…
Confident Parents, Confident Kids “merits the attention of anyone working in social, emotional and character development who wants a place to send parents for ideas and advice and dialogue.”
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