The Finesse of Transitions for Whole Family Thriving
We find ourselves in the middle of one of the year’s biggest transitions — one that we all must face — moving from one year to the next and moving from a long break with plenty of fun and family and friend time together to school and work routines amidst the shorter, darker days and unpredictable weather of winter. There may be different reactions to the adjustments that need to be made to sleep and other routine habits for all family members from young children to adults. In reaction to the changes, they may:
- Complain or even snap at others…as they move along;
- Stuff feelings and then, explode when they can no longer shove them down;
- Stay quiet, moving slowly and perhaps run late because of it.
- Push others as a means to push themselves.
Are there other reactions to the transition in your household that seem to emerge? Becoming aware of how each family member is coping with the dramatic daily changes in routine can help set your expectations and also, create support and understanding for one another. After all, we are in this thing together. Easing tensions through empathy can make a difference and add to children’s motivation to cooperate.
Consider the importance of transitions in your child’s or teen’s life as they grow, change, and develop. They’ll face transitions with puberty and emerging adulthood that challenge their very identity. They’ll face transitions in moving from grade to grade, school to school, perhaps neighborhood to neighborhood, and friend group to friend group. And these smaller experiences with transitions prepare them for the bigger ones they’ll encounter later in life like losing a job, the passing of a loved one, or the birth of their own child when they become a parent.
Young children, in particular, can struggle with transitions since they are comforted by stable, predictable routines and when those change, they can feel unsafe and vulnerable. Their very brain wiring is only newly working to form the helpful executive function of cognitive flexibility, moving from one type of thinking to the next adeptly. But young children aren’t the only ones who can become more emotional during transitional times. Teens may push back on early school night bedtimes and feel drained at the end of these early school days. Their commitment to their workload may not be as strong as it was in the Fall when they were moving with the momentum of the school year.
Though each family member will face their own struggles with making the changes necessary, parents can become intentional about their reactions to and support of the transition. If they do, they’ll not only contribute to their children’s and teen’s strategies for dealing with change but also, help themselves in the process.
Simply learning about what’s taking place during a transition (raising your own awareness) and understanding of why transitions stir a range of emotions can help. In the bestselling book by William Bridges entitled Transitions; Making Sense of Life’s Changes, he explains there is a death – even if small – in every transition. There’s a letting go of an old reality that is required in order to embrace a new reality. So transitions involve a mourning process. We are sad to let go of precious time with our families and the comfort of being in our homes or the homes of loved ones playing games, laughing, and not being responsible for producing work of any kind. Digging into the new boldly without looking back can help an adult with forward motion when they don’t feel like it but can leave a child feeling left behind in their sadness and desire to hold on to all the goodness of break time.
Here are some additional ways in which we can become more intentional in supporting our own and our children’s transitions.
- Ritualize the ending.
You may be, like my family, already back to school. But getting your body, brain, and heart fully back into the swing of school and work is a process over time. You can help it along by saying goodbye to the holiday season and winter break. Perhaps, you collaboratively write a note to your family about what’s going on in your life to tuck into your decorations as you put them away so you can read and enjoy next year when you get them out? Perhaps you host one final celebratory dinner where you share new year intentions? Or perhaps you light a fire and say goodbye to the holiday season with a toast to the new year full of possibilities and hope? For young children, they may be sad to say goodbye to grandparents who were visiting or other loved ones. Schedule a call with them this month or write a note of gratitude to provide continuity and show how the relationship will continue into the new year.
Then, recognize the neutral zone of your transition.
2. Orient to what’s ahead.
Just as the new school year ushers in conversations among students, parents, and teachers about their hopes and dreams for the school year, this is an ideal time to talk about your hopes and dreams for the new year as a family. Before diving into tactical plans and logistics, take some time to fly high in your thoughts together. Ask of one another: What do you hope to do this year? What inner strengths do you want to invest in? Who do you hope to connect with? Who do you want to serve or help? What bigger themes in the world do you want to learn more about or connect to? With young children, you may want to read together stories of school and learning to reengage them in the routines and also, the wonder of exploration in school. Recall friends that they’ll be excited to spend more time with. For teens, review upcoming schedules and linger on the extracurriculars that will include performances, dances, or peak events that you are looking forward to.
3. Listen.
Introduce the topic of hopes and dreams in a quieter moment when you are with your family. Listen with empathy to their hopes and dreams for the new year and also, to the challenging feelings your children might offer. When you listen with empathy, underscore or highlight the emotions you hear even if they remain unspoken but clear enough through nonverbal expressions. Normalize those feelings — particularly more challenging emotions — and share your own so that they are voiced and not pushed down only to come out later.
Returning from the neutral zone or reflection stage of a transition ultimately “…brings us back to ourselves and involves a reintegration of our new identity with elements of our old one. Inwardly and outwardly, one comes home,” writes Bridges. Reflecting on the passing of the year into a new one can help children deal with any fear or uncertainty of the new and unknown offering your support and safety so they can proceed with courage and confidence, excitement and wonder.
4. Plan for Routine Supports.
The winter routines – whether it’s morning time, after school/homework time, or bedtime — will become challenging passages as we transition back. How can we support those times? Paying attention to your child’s needs and motivators can make all of the difference. My son needs his own quiet time after school to decompress from the long school day. We give him that chance before he deep dives into homework each night. He also needs to know that he’ll have time on the weekend to pursue time with his friends and on his creative endeavors if he has no time during the school week. What does your child require in order to feel a sense of safety and comfort so that they can meet home and school goals? I notice we are giving extra hugs these days and more grace in general. And we all benefit.
Easing into the new year paves the way for learning experiences in which our kids can become fully present to and engage in the hope and wonder of a brand new season. It won’t feel like the record scratch that it can become if we are not sensitive to the process we are all undergoing. The connections and love felt during break can indeed continue in important ways in our ordinary life taking on new meaning as we all engage in the meaningful work of learning and growing together.
Happy new year to you and yours!
