About Confidence

Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to solve.                                                      

 – Roger Lewin

Sitting around a group of Moms, the topic came up: “What is confidence? And how does it look with our teenagers?” One replied, “I know what it’s not. It’s not extraversion, being the loudest in the room, or being the one who is always visible or most popular.” Generally when talking to parents, we are clear. We want confidence in ourselves and in our kids. But we aren’t sure exactly what it means or how we build it.  

Confidence is about increasingly learning to understand, accept, and express ourselves in alignment with who we are and what we deeply value, as well as understanding, accepting, and relating to others in healthy ways. Through these understandings, we accept responsibility for the short and long term impacts of our choices on others and the environment.

Confidence exists in all shapes, sizes, colors, creeds, cultures, and temperaments. In fact, confidence can be boiled down to a few underlying beliefs, all having to do with learning. To be confident, the following things must be true:

• You believe that learning and development are necessary and continual over a lifetime.
• You are humbled by the fact that there’s much to still learn (and in our case as parents and caregivers…) that the term “perfect parent” does not exist.
• You trust in your child’s ability to learn (to make mistakes, to fall, to get up, and to make a better choice next time).
• You trust in your own ability to learn (to make mistakes, to fall, to get up, and to make a better choice the next time).¹

Raising confident kids requires confident parents committed to lifelong learning about themselves, about how they grow and maintain healthy relationships with others, and how their lives and choices impact their community and the world. That means knowing their hearts, managing their big feelings in healthy ways, and communicating what’s in their hearts with others.

Kids build strong emotional skills through the modeling, coaching, and practicing with their parents first and foremost. By learning to identify and articulate what they are feeling, they come to know who they are, what experiences have been powerful shaping forces, and what they value most. They learn to manage impulses and work toward goals with persistence. How children learn about themselves – who they are and what they stand for – changes with each age and stage. And in the teen years, the central focus of development becomes defining their identity for themselves.

Confident kids also require strong social skills. They learn to develop, grow, and sustain relationships to help them thrive. They learn to communicate their needs and boundaries in ways that keep them safe and connected to others. They learn to appreciate that every individual is different and unique and watch for social cues, nonverbal and verbal, to respond in healthy, constructive ways to others. They know how to build and maintain friendships with peers and relationships with adults. They learn that they can better understand themselves when they learn from others who are different than they are. They can play and problem solve collaboratively. And they can evaluate the consequences of a decision and make responsible choices based on that evaluation.

Parents who focus on building these life skills can feel confident that when their children are at school, at summer camp, or involved in a community project, they have the skills to relate to others in ways that are caring, constructive, and contributing. And when our children are faced with difficult decisions, they are equipped with the tools to think through the consequences of their actions, empathize with others involved, and ultimately make a responsible choice or repair harm if needed.

Children who are raised by parents committed to constantly honing their own social and emotional intelligence grow with a belief that their inherent core is good and they can bring goodness to the world, that no aspect of who they are needs to be hidden by shame. Additionally, children view their peers, neighbors, and kids across town with curiosity and wonder and a learning mindset while parents challenge them while challenging themselves to explore judgment and implicit bias, particularly of black, brown, immigrant or any individuals or groups who might be considered part of an imagined “other” and not “us.”

Much of what children learn from their parents is through modeling. They learn through our actions and choices. That’s why we are stronger when we learn together through the solid research base on what helps children develop and thrive. Developing social and emotional skills is a continual lifelong learning process. We can always become more empathetic, practice patience, improve our response to conflict situations, and deepen our listening and reflection abilities. Just being more aware of ourselves as models for our kids can impact our choices and reactions in day-to-day situations.

What are the critical life skills kids need to learn?

There are five core competencies that children and teens and adults too need to learn and continue to refine. Within these five core areas, there are many skills that are involved.

Self-awareness – the ability to identify as a unique individual, to identify one’s emotions, the causes of those emotions, and reflect upon and examine the responses to those emotions to learn from them and make better choices. These include:

• Identifying strengths, limitations, and opportunities for growth
• Identifying one’s emotions
• Demonstrating honesty and integrity
• Linking feelings, values, and thoughts
• Integrating personal and social identities
• Examining prejudices and biases
• Developing a sense of competence
• Developing interests, passions, and a sense of purpose
• Understanding essential boundaries 

Social awareness – the ability to identify and understand the values, concerns, and emotions of others in order to choose a response that demonstrates sensitivity to those emotions. These include:

• Taking others’ perspectives
• Recognizing strengths in others
• Demonstrating empathy and compassion
• Showing concern for the feelings of others
• Understanding and expressing gratitude
• Identifying diverse social norms, including unjust ones
• Recognizing situational demands and opportunities
• Understanding the influences of organizations and systems on behavior

Self-management – the ability to control one’s emotions and responses in order to persist toward the accomplishment of a goal and/or promote and strengthen a relationship with another. These include:

• Managing emotions
• Identifying and using stress management strategies
• Exhibiting self-discipline and self-motivation
• Setting personal and collective goals
• Using planning and organizational skills
• Showing the courage to take initiative
• Engaging in learning from any challenge, person, or life experience
• Demonstrating personal and collective agency

Relationship skills – the abilities to grow a connection with another person or group including verbal and nonverbal communication skills, listening, managing emotions, and constructive problem-solving. Examples include:

• Communicating effectively
• Developing healthy relationships
• Demonstrating cultural competency
• Practicing teamwork and collaborative problem-solving
• Resolving conflicts constructively
• Resisting negative social pressure
• Showing leadership in groups
• Seeking or offering support and help when needed
• Standing up for the rights of others

Responsible Decision Making – the ability to make choices that not only move a person toward a goal but also demonstrate responsibility by consideration of the consequences to people, animals, or the environment including any who could be affected by the decision and acting according to the best outcomes for all. After making a choice, taking responsibility for the consequences of that choice is necessary including repairing harm when needed. Examples include:

• Demonstrating curiosity and open-mindedness/heartedness
• Learning how to make a reasonable judgment after analyzing information, data, and facts
• Identifying solutions for personal and social problems
• Anticipating and evaluating the consequences of one’s actions on self and others
• Using critical thinking skills 
• Reflecting on one’s role to promote personal, family, and community well-being
• Evaluating personal, interpersonal, community, environmental, and institutional impacts.

© Copyright, 2025, Jennifer Smith Miller. All rights reserved.