By Anna Purpero

Just this afternoon, during an intense spaceship-building session, my sons readied their cardboard shields to defend against any Squishmallow villains brave enough to enter. It was one of those moments that made me pause my laundry-folding to enjoy their imaginative play— until it wasn’t. A disagreement escalated into Brother one launching said cardboard shield directly into Brother two’s forehead. Devastated to see how his impulse had hurt his best friend, Brother one looked at me wide-eyed: “My Dragon! My Dragon part!” When I rushed to console the injured one, the guilty brother ran upstairs. 

To some, the tension in the story may be that a culpable child is quick to shift blame to an imaginary Dragon instead of taking responsibility. But because of the self-awareness work we’ve done as a family, I saw something different: a child recognizing the part of him that lashes out when he feels unheard. Though it wasn’t enough to stop the harm, naming the anger behind the impulse is the first step toward accountability.  

Understanding Internal Family Systems

In 2022, I began working with a Certified Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist (visit the IFS Institute to learn more about this non-pathologizing model developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz), and in our sessions, I began discovering “parts” of my mind, each with its own patterns, protective instincts, and deeply held beliefs. Some parts react impulsively to perceived threats, while others work behind the scenes to manage stress or avoid discomfort. 

For example, in reaction to the chaos of sibling rivalry, a part of me often defaults to angry lectures instead of responding with calm boundaries and guidance. Through IFS, I learned that that particular part has been trying to protect me from the overwhelm of chaos since childhood.  Approaching these reactive parts with curiosity and compassion creates space for healing and showing up differently for children.

At the core of IFS is the idea that listening to these inner protectors will slowly reveal who we are when they’re able to relax. What’s beneath is a truer, deeper Self that is not damaged or devious, but inherently good and divinely connected. It is calm, creative, and courageous, and even kids can begin learning to access it.

Meeting Our “Friends Inside”

As I learned to recognize and befriend my own parts, I began seeing everyone else through that lens, including kids, so I researched how IFS practitioners were working with children in therapy and school settings. When I introduced more lighthearted IFS language to my own kids, it was fascinating how quickly they could identify and describe their own developing parts, like the one desperate to be our family’s Uno Champion — pleasure to meet you, Mr. Rhino! 

Co-creating their “friends inside” became a lighthearted, connective way to explore emotions and navigate conflict. It even led me to write My Friends Inside, a picture book introducing a lively crew of inner protectors who sometimes get the protagonist into trouble. This lighthearted framework reminds children that every part of them deserves curiosity and compassion, and in the protagonist’s responses, he models the messages those friends inside may need to hear. 

Modeling Self-Awareness for Our Kids

Self-awareness is foundational for building emotional regulation, decision-making, and healthy relationships. Children develop these skills partly by watching the adults around them. When parents model their own work cultivating self-awareness in their emotional patterns, they normalize what it looks like to be fully human and take the shame out of overwhelming emotions.

For example, in those charged-up hours after school, I often feel my own frustration rising. Instead of snapping, I might say, 

“Whoa, I feel kind of hot, and my Volcano part really wants to yell. I wonder what’s going on? Maybe this is too much noise for me, so I’m going to go upstairs for two minutes and take some breaths. Be right back.” 

It usually gets their attention, but I know they prefer that to the lava explosion. This models self-awareness and normalizes the idea that emotions start in the body. Kids won’t always be able to control their impulses, but they can begin to recognize how emotions arise and approach their choices with curiosity. Over time, they build the ability to respond from a more regulated place.

Even though we won’t always get it right, every moment of self-awareness, every pause before reacting, and every time we replace shame with curiosity, we help a child build a foundation for lifelong emotional resilience.

Guiding Kids Toward Self-Reflection and Repair

Once my injured son settled down, I gave him an art project and headed upstairs to visit brother 1. He was playing with stuffed animals, evidence that he may have cooled down and be open to a conversation. 

IFS has given our family a framework to reflect on our choices with curiosity and compassion. Our creative and lighthearted response to the concepts of IFS, our Friends Inside, allows us to explore together what went wrong, and with the courage within, how to make it right. When guiding kids through self-reflection and repair, I might: 

• Ask non-judgmental questions: What happened downstairs? What do you think Dragon was trying to say? What set him off?
• Share a personal story about when my own Volcano Inside lost control and how I made things right afterward.  
• Offer or brainstorm strategies to pause and notice their inner friend before reacting.  
• Help them brainstorm a message for that inner friend—one that comes from their best and wisest Self.  
• After offering empathy, set a clear boundary: If this happens again, or if it seems this is about to happen, here’s what I will do.
• Above all, listen. When kids can share freely without our lectures or shut-downs, they often know exactly what happened and what to do next.  

The Power of Our Own Inner Work

Children deserve the best we have to give, but a lot gets in the way of us showing up as the sturdy and empathetic leader they need. Even though we won’t always get it right, every moment of self-awareness, every pause before reacting, and every time we replace shame with curiosity, we help a child build a foundation for lifelong emotional resilience.

May we have the courage to do our part. 

Check out Anna’s new picture book:

My Friends Inside

Resources

“Evolution of The Internal Family Systems Model” by Dr. Richard Schwartz, Ph. D. IFS Institute.

No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model by Richard C. Schwartz, Ph. D

Internal Family Systems Therapy with Children by Lisa Spiegel, MA, LMHC

Self-Led: Living a Connected Life with Yourself and With Others by Seth Kopald, PhD

Anna Purpero is an educator and children’s book author located in Columbus, OH with her partner, Jordan, and two sons (ages 4 and 6). She draws inspiration from her former high school Language Arts students and the teens from Paper City Mentoring Project, a nonprofit she cofounded and served as Executive Director. She is pursuing a certification in Social Emotional Learning from Fresno Pacific University and hopes to use experiential learning to help children develop self-awareness and emotional resilience. Her debut picture book, My Friends Inside, is available now! 

Social media, purchasing links, and free printables here:

http://linktr.ee/annapurpero