“You said I could go out with friends. It’s your fault I didn’t have time to do my homework,” says Ava, your fifteen-year-old, with heat and sincerity after she received a zero on her homework assignment. Next, your partner chimes in, “yes, you did let her go out with her friends,” with a tone of scold in his voice. All of a sudden, you feel the pointer fingers from both directions. “It’s not my homework!” you think and your heat begins to rise with the injustice of it all. You’ve been caught in the blame game. But you don’t want to play. How do you get out of that discussion preserving your own dignity and honoring the truth of the situation without pointing fingers right back at your daughter and spouse? How do you open the door to each member taking responsibility for their role in the problem? And how do you remove the blame game from family conflicts to argue in fair ways?

“You always… you never… it’s because of you that…” are all kindling that add to the fire of upset. Though it’s easy to look outside of ourselves for a reason things are going wrong — for failing, or for messing things up — looking to others prevents us from looking within. Yet, it’s our first instinct to place blame outside of ourselves beginning in early childhood. At ages five and six, children are learning the rules of school and social behavior. That is a time when they begin to tattle on others who break the rules. Developmentally, this is how a five or six-year-old learns about what is right and wrong, by pointing out and enforcing rules in others first. They then begin to internalize those rules for themselves and can call upon that inner compass to direct them as they grow and face challenges. But we are capable of learning to take responsibility and inviting others to do the same without pointing fingers and placing blame. Our children are capable too. But it will require our modeling and intentional practice. And family life – rife with conflict – is the perfect place for them to learn it.

Learning healthy, constructive, assertive (non-aggressive) ways to talk about problems when there is a conflict is key. Marshall Rosenberg, author of multiple books on nonviolent communication, clinical psychologist and one of the world’s top thought leaders on nonviolent communication, suggests that we begin with observing others. He offers a four step process (I added a fifth) for communicating with empathy in a conflict so as not to do harm. Parents can model these steps and offer practice with their children. Below are the Miller/Rosenberg’s five steps with some of my family life and developmental adaptations. 

Consider your own defensive stance in a conflict. Read through these steps and feel the sensation of how you might experience each of these if you were approached on a controversial subject in this way. Does your heart stay open? Does your mind stay open? If so, this is how we keep our loved ones engaged in working together through the problem. Accuse, blame, criticize – and all systems – heart, mind, will – shut down. When facing a conflict with family members including children or teens…

1. Pause

If you are in a conflict with a child or family member, you are likely upset, frustrated, or angry. You are likely feeling some heated emotion in which if you respond quickly, you’re more likely to blame, judge, or criticize. So stop. Put your hand on your heart. Breath. Wait until you can feel your heart rate come down a little bit. When feeling ready to proceed with a grounded tone…

2. Observe and Share.

Though Rosenberg suggests observing first, as parents, we need to stop and take a pause in order to become intentional and not reactive. Then consider:

What do I observe – see, feel, experience – that is not contributing to my well-being or my child’s well-being?

If you are communicating with or to a child, you might say, 

“I observe that the choice to be out with friends did not allow you enough time to do homework and that is not contributing to your well-being.”

2. Articulate Feelings.

Next, share what you are observing of their heart in that moment. This creates an empathetic stance in which you are working to understand, accept, and normalize their feelings with the knowledge that all feelings are acceptable (it’s how we act on them that we may or may not be acceptable).

“You seem to be feeling frustrated and maybe unfairly judged by your teacher and unfairly guided by me. Is that right?”

This statement does not say you unfairly guided your daughter but only that she may feel unfairly guided her. It’s a subtle but important difference in your mindset as you approach her. Your only goal here is articulating feelings. Then, be sure to share your own and if your partner is involved, give him the space to share his too.

“I felt frustrated too that I tried to allow you the time you wanted with friends but had no idea how much work you had to accomplish.”

3. Articulate Needs.

After articulating feelings, highlight the needs that the feelings are calling to the fore. She’s frustrated because her needs aren’t getting met. Finding out what those needs or values are is key. And well-articulating them helps her put into words what she may not be fully aware of but feels deeply. So you might say,

“You feel frustrated because your time with friends is super important to you and not something you want to skip because you have a lot of homework.”

When articulating her needs, it’s not time to judge those needs. Needs are needs. You cannot change what she feels because of those unmet needs. So it might be easy to slip here and say something like, “but you know homework is the most important thing.” Don’t do it. We are keeping her open mind and heart in this conversation. Next, you’ll pivot toward her learning about responsible decision-making.

Your needs count in this scenario too — and your partner’s. So you might say,

“My need is to help you prioritize your time and get your needs met which includes valuable friend time and enough time to get homework accomplished.”

4. Make Requests and Consider Options.

Now it’s time to directly communicate your request, or the concrete actions you would like taken. In this example, she has already done some damage. So it’s time to repair harm. You might say,

“What can you do now to make this better with your teacher?” 

Spend a little time together problem-solving through how she might approach her teacher (email, in person?) and what she could ask for in order to make up the work she missed. Her teacher may say she has to live with the zero and that’s a tough but real consequence. It’s important to take the time to address the blaming that went on as well.

“Next time, how can we each take responsibility for our own feelings, needs and role in the situation without pointing fingers?”

And finally, be sure that you reflect on the bigger lesson of the situation — how your daughter prioritizes her time and makes responsible decisions.

“Your schooling is top priority. But we also know that time with friends is essential to your well-being. How could we have looked at both of those needs and found times for both over the course of the week instead of competing for the same afternoon?”

After reading this five-step process, you might reflect that this sounds like a lot of work. And in truth, communicating in assertive, nonviolent ways that preserve the dignity of each participant in a conflict does take work. But, like any habit, it gets easier with practice. And the reward is truly great. This is how you teach your child or teen to communicate in ways that do no harm and make responsible decisions. This is how you model communication that will help your child navigate conflict in any circumstance they find themselves in. 

Our habits in responding to conflict are first learned and rehearsed at home. So practicing these communication steps is an essential step in preparing your child for their relationships at school, in the community and will serve their well-being in their future lives. 

To learn more, check out:

Living Nonviolent Communication; Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD., 2012, Boulder, CO: Sounds True.