Post-break winter days seem to be a time when there’s more pressure to perform and less energy for all that performing. Dealing with the extra scarves, boots, and gloves in the morning, the icy streets on the way to school, and the heat blasting drying our skin until it cracks, adds just that little extra chaos and discomfort to throw us off. Lack of movement and lack of fresh air can also contribute to not sleeping well and not feeling our best. Not only are these conditions that may challenge our own motivation, but our children’s motivation can become an even greater challenge.

We sense as parents and educators that finding just that right way to engage a child in learning will turn a magical key and motivate a child or teen to work hard to learn what they are expected to learn. Motivation is simply a reason to act. And for adults who work with children, there are numerous moments in every day when we are attempting to inspire or cajole our child into acting in a particular way. Though we know it’s critical, the methods to provide that reason can allude us. And as I’ve heard from some, “I’ve tried it all.” 

From stickers to pizza parties, from payments to candy, adults often resort to extrinsic motivators to get children to get going. But in fact, extrinsic motivators, as the term implies, moves the focus from a child’s internal sense of control to controlling behaviors through outside forces. This can remove some of a child’s sense of agency. And it always takes away their ability to grow essential life skills because they are not allowed the practice of self-discipline, an inner strength, but instead are manipulated by a Jolly Rancher. Though temporarily, stickers or stars can move a child to action, they do not influence their moral development – “this is the right thing to do,” or “this requires hard work” – and so they do not change behavior when you are not present or over time. Remove the sticker and you remove the behavior. 

Emotions and motivation are inextricably linked.¹ Emotions fuel our motivation to act. Emotions like happiness, excitement, and curiosity send an “approach” signal and increase energy, optimism, and motivation. Emotions like worry, frustration, or fear send the “avoid” message to steer away from whatever is concerning. With school work producing a whole host of emotions including the avoidance cues, how do we help our students stay engaged?

Here are some simple ideas to engage your child or teen’s motivation to work hard and also, to deal with the tougher emotions that work against motivation.

Listen and observe first.

What is motivating your child or teen to not want to act/work hard/take responsibility? Are they avoiding failure? Is their inner critic on the loud speaker? Are they scared of what peers might think? Discover what the motivational road blocks are before attempting to address the problem. Not only will that insight help you decide on a better response, but it will also create empathy so that you intervene with patience and understanding.

Articulate and normalize feelings.

When you notice that family members are more stressed, when you notice irrational statements, or avoidance behaviors (your child runs to her room and shuts the door hoping to shut out the world), it’s time to focus on their hearts. The embarrassment of having big feelings can add to the struggle. So helping your child or teen become more self aware by identifying what you see, feel and experience with them not only helps normalize their feelings but brings down the heat as they begin to feel understood.

We put up a simple feelings list in the winter time as a reminder. Here’s one you can use! 

Take care of your own feelings – particularly anxiety and frustration.

Yes, emotions are contagious. If you are feeling those avoidance feelings, you may be unwittingly making it harder for your child or teen to feel motivated. You might ask yourself: what can I do daily to help myself return to a place of calm? Journaling, meditation, deep breathing, and exercise can help. Also learning about your child’s or teen’s development and healthy ways you can respond adds to your sense of agency and competence and reduces anxiety.

Co-create a plan for homework frustrations.

You know it’s gonna happen. Your child or teen WILL get frustrated. And that frustration can derail them for some time. It can even mean that an assignment goes unfinished or a test not studied for. So sit down with your student and make a plan! Try out a short brain break. Check out these coping strategies to help your child feel better during their brain break.

Review your routines and each family members’ responsibilities.

Those daily routines can make a significant difference in how your student feels at school whether they get enough sleep at night because of a consistent bedtime routine or whether they get to school focused because of a calm, connected morning routine. Check out this video on the morning routine. Write out a plan for the routine with younger children. Checklists tend to work great for teens who can own their own checklists.

Find moments for creativity and joy.

Perhaps you’ve put away gifts from the holidays. Bring them out for a little playtime. Turn up the music and get your dance on during a homework break. Put out art supplies or a puzzle and see what happens. Engage in some joy and creativity together. When you know it will contribute to your child or teen’s motivation to work hard, it’s worth taking some time out to insert activities in which you’ll be fully present and enjoy each other.

Use direct language.

When it’s time to focus and get to work, share that in a direct way. “Time to get to work.” Nagging or repeating yourself can lead to power struggles inviting argumentation and negotiation.

Prompt student to set own goals for work/learning.

You can begin a homework session by asking your child what their goals are in the time they have. Allow them to set their own goals on how they will focus, how they will work, and when they hope to break. These choices offer them a sense of agency and control over the process. And the goals aim their focus.

Partner with your child’s teachers or teen’s advisor.

If you are concerned about your child’s performance or level of engagement, meet with your child’s teacher to discuss. Even a brief meeting can assure you and your student’s teacher that you are working together toward the same goals – your child’s success. You might ask, “what can we do at home to support what you are doing at school?” We, as responsible parents, may double down at this time and forget that we don’t have to do it all. We have partners who we can engage with to offer extra support at a time when it’s needed most.

Yes, treats at the end of a school day certainly can light up a child’s face when they come home. But they shouldn’t be bait for a particular behavior. In fact, you’ll show your child or teen that you have confidence in them when you trust their inner compass. They too want to be successful in school. They may just need a little extra support this time of year (as we all do). May you feel that support from this parenting village! 

Happy new year! 

References: 

1. Roseman I. J. (2008). Motivations and emotivations: approach, avoidance, and other tendencies in motivated and emotional behavior, in Handbook of Approach and Avoidance Motivation, ed. Elliot A. J. (New York: Psychology Press; ), 343–366