Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.

– Mahatma Gandhi

“Sammy took my Star Wars Lego out of my hand today at indoor recess. But I forgave him. He loves them too.” relayed my six-year-old son last week. “How do you know about forgiveness?” I asked surprised. “Because you talked about it,” he said with an implied “of course, I know” tone. I marvel at what sticks sometimes and what does not. I was fortunate that the word and the meaning behind it “stuck” this time. It was a reminder to me to continue to use the language of forgiveness because as he grows older the issues will only grow more complex and the need for forgiveness will only increase. If you have a young child, practicing now when small infractions occur will be a big help when bigger issues arise later in childhood and adolescence.

Forgiveness is defined as a voluntary process that involves an individual’s change in emotion or attitude regarding someone who has offended them.¹ The person who has been offended has to make a decision to hold the person harmless and not desire retaliation of any kind. Though often addressed in religious circles, there seems less discussion about forgiveness as a social construct. Yet as children grow and develop, conflict will be a regular part of their relationships. Being able to forgive and move on is a critical skill to practice in friendships and in family life. If all is forgiven, then past hurts or poor behavioral choices are not brought up in the heat of an argument. If the past is forgiven, children and parents always start anew and have the chance to make the best choices for all involved.

One of the finest examples of forgiveness in my opinion is the Truth and Reconciliation Commission of South Africa. An entire nation decided that forgiveness was the central vehicle for dealing with the aftermath of apartheid in order to repair the significant damage done. The Commission stated “The conflict during this period resulted in violence and human rights abuses from all sides. No section of society escaped these abuses.”² People who committed the abuses had to openly discuss their acts of violence and seek forgiveness from those whom they offended. And in the face of their abusers, many were able to forgive. The strength and courage of those people is immeasurable.

Raising confident, socially aware and competent children means that we give them the tools to make responsible decisions considering the consequences to themselves and others. But when they make mistakes or others make mistakes that hurt them, they also have the support, practice, and strength to forgive and move on.

Check out these simple ways to begin encouraging forgiveness in your family’s daily routine especially with younger children and following these ideas, we address older children and teens.

Incorporate the language of forgiveness.

After a disagreement with your partner that your children have witnessed, let them know that you have forgiven one another and have moved on. This modeling will be one of the most powerful lessons you can provide for them. Also offer forgiveness to your child after they have caused harm. And most importantly, move on. The mistakes in the past stay in the past not to be brought up as an accusation at a later date. Children who feel they have a “record” of past wrongs can get into a negative choice cycle assuming that those poor decisions are a part of their identity. Parents who are able to move on offer children a clean slate and the opportunity to make the best choices moving forward.

Model empathy.

As you discuss family member’s or friend’s problems, make sure you include empathetic comments. “It is so difficult on the family that Grandpa decided to stop communicating with your Uncle Fred. But we love Grandpa and we love Uncle Fred. We know they are going through a hard time right now. We will offer support to both of them.”

Facilitate dialogue on problem solving between siblings and with friends.

If children are guided through a problem solving process – defining the problem, articulating their feelings, understanding the other person’s feelings, generating solutions and trying one out – they can more easily forgive and move on. For more on facilitating problem solving with children, check out the previous post “Working It Out.”

Give your children opportunities to repair harm done.

Children may feel bad about themselves after they have made a poor choice and harmed another. Perhaps they struggled with controlling their impulses. Sometimes in that moment, children can feel overwhelmed as if all of the important people in their lives are mad at them and like nothing they can do or say can make things better. Help them practice making good choices after they have caused harm. You might say, “Let’s think of ways we can make this better.” Then offer support as they fix a broken toy, repair a ripped book, or offer a popsicle to a child they knocked down. I often find myself saying to E when a friend gets hurt, “Go check on him. Ask if he’s okay or if he needs a bandaid.” The more practice children get thinking about and putting caring energy into repairing damage, the better equipped they will be for situations in which serious damage has occurred and they need to be strong and make better choices. And in turn, when they have been hurt, they will be more ready to give a second chance to their offender. In addition, discuss the consequences of not forgiving. “If you do not forgive Sammy for taking your Lego piece, what will happen to your friendship?”

For older children and teens, the issues only become more complex and so to, the need for guidance around how to forgive and what constitutes forgiveness. We can tend to hold some misconceptions. One myth is that forgiveness doesn’t hold the offending party responsible for wrong-doing. In other words, does forgiving mean accepting betrayal or harmful behavior? In fact, forgiveness is how you hold your regard for that person in your own mind and heart. Even if you are no longer in contact with them or they have passed on, you have the power to forgive by letting go of anger, hurt, or resentment that keeps you tied to those harmful behaviors in the past.

You can coach your teen that they have choices. First, with a friendship they want to preserve or in a sibling relationship, they can communicate any ways in which they’ve done harm and take responsibility for their own behavior. This step in a relationship can open a safe space for a friend or peer to do the same but it doesn’t always work. The friend may not always take that opportunity to own their wrong-doing. So then, it’s up to your teen to do their own internal heart work to ensure they are letting go of anger they may be holding. How do they do this? Here are some ideas for how you might guide your teen:

Ensure safety first.

This may seem obvious but with teens, we cannot choose their friends or peer relationships. And often, we know far less about those relationships than we’d like as our teens seek more and more independence. So prompt your teen to ensure their safety. How can they feel emotionally and physically safe around that person going forward? It could be as simple as finding allies or rehearsing what to do or say if or when that person who harmed them comes back to harm again.

Express your anger in safe ways.

Becoming angry at a person because they hurt you is a healthy reaction. It gives you the fuel and incentive to protect yourself and stay safe guarding against more harm. But when the harm has been done and is no longer a threat, we can hold onto that anger much longer than we need to. So it’s important to help your teen know what to do with that anger. You might offer the many ways in which you’ve dealt with your own anger and ask what might make them feel better. Painting, listening to music, dancing, running, journaling, or talking to an uninvolved friend or therapist are all healthy options. The arts in particular can help a teen express what’s inside.

Set a clear boundary.

There’s so much talk of boundaries these days yet, actually setting an authentic boundary in a kind and firm way can be one of the most difficult but also most important tasks in relationships. Your teen has the chance to learn this in their early years so that when they are away from you, they have the strength to do it on their own. What’s most important is for your teen to know what words and actions cross that invisible line? Character attacks – yep. Hurtful rumors – definitely. Your teen’s guide can simply be their feelings. Were they hurt? Are they struggling to get over it? Then it’s likely a boundary was crossed. If it was done by a close friend, then practicing ways to communicate that what they said or did wasn’t okay is important. Less is often more. Saying “stop” or “that hurt me” or “play fair” can all become simple ways to communicate that those lines have been crossed.

Ritualize your letting go.

Whether you are staying in a friendship or leaving it, the feelings involved need to be dealt with before you can truly move on. For your teen, how can they solidify their commitment to letting those angry thoughts and feelings go? Writing out hurts and anger and either ripping up and recycling them or burning them (safely!) can be a constructive ritual for letting go of anger. Writing a letter to the person who crossed the line and expressing exactly what your teen wants to say and then destroying the letter (not sharing it) can also help. Imagining conversations in which your teen retains their sense of agency and courage can help support your teen.

Find compassion.

There is always a reason someone is being hurtful or deceptive. And often (always?) that reason is about their own emotional needs and hurts. So there is compassion we can discover if only we search for it. Again, finding compassion in our hearts – seeking understanding for the circumstances that might cause a person to harm another – is not excusing their wrongdoing. But it’s rebuilding your heart and your trust in humanity. So encourage your teen to tell a story of compassion for the person who is harming. After all, our teen, whether aware or not, will likely be the one doing the harm at one point or another so it’s critical that forgiveness and compassion are reciprocal.

Create new opportunities for connection.

If a friendship has been harmed through an argument and your teen has been able to let go of the anger, it’s time to rebuild. So look for small chances to connect. Extend an invitation for ice cream. Look for a simple way to repair harm and begin to make new memories together.

There will be plenty of opportunities for forgiveness if children and teens watch adults engaged in forgiveness and receive support and encouragement from a caring adult. Those experiences will assist them in becoming more empathetic people and perhaps, stronger and gentler with themselves and others.

References:

1 American Psychological Association (2006). Forgiveness: A Sampling of Research Results. Washington, D.C.: Office of Internal Affairs. Reprinted 2008.

2 The Official Truth and Reconciliation Website. Retrieved on July 11, 2024.