By Guest Author Nicole Stoner

As parents, we’ve all experienced the sudden burst of tears, stomping feet, or the quiet shutdown. Maybe it’s because a game was lost, a favorite toy went missing, or a crayon snapped in half. What may seem small to us can feel overwhelming to a child. In those moments, strong feelings take over.

Strong feelings don’t go away as we grow. We experience them across our entire lives. The difference is whether we have learned the skills to understand and manage them, or whether we’ve learned to ignore or hide them.

Learning how to recognize and manage our feelings helps us to navigate the experiences we have at home, school, or anywhere in between. We intentionally teach children how to read and write. In the same way, we must intentionally teach them how to understand their feelings. One of my favorite parts of being a school counselor is supporting students and families as they learn about emotion management. When adults and children grow in this understanding side by side, it creates a powerful sense of connection and consistency that truly supports a child’s development. 

We can support kids in understanding how to manage their feelings by making a connection to a toolbox. Just like a real toolbox holds tools for fixing things, a feelings toolbox holds strategies children can use when feelings get strong. Let’s take a closer look at the tools and how it connects to calming spaces.

The Feelings Toolbox

The first tool is noticing feelings in the body.

Before children can manage feelings, they need to recognize them. We can teach kids to notice the early warning signs. This could include tight muscles, a faster heartbeat, butterflies in the stomach, a warm or flushed face and/or clenched fists. These signals are warnings that something is happening inside our bodies. Understanding these signs is the first step in emotional regulation. When children can notice what’s happening in their bodies, they’re more likely to pause before reacting.

The second tool is being able to name the feeling.

Words are one of the most powerful tools we can give our children. Building a strong emotional vocabulary helps children better understand their experiences, improve regulation, and experience healthy relationships. Some examples include; frustrated, disappointed, nervous, proud. Psychiatrist Dan Siegel calls this “name it to tame it.” When children label their feelings, it actually helps calm the brain and re-engage thinking.

The third tool is understanding key players in the brain.

Children are often fascinated to learn why they feel the way they do. It is always exciting to see my students’ reactions when we take time to learn the hand model of the brain from Psychiatrist Dan Siegel. When you hold your hand in the air and tuck your thumb in and cover with your four fingers. The fingers represent the wise owl, the Prefrontal Cortex, the thinking brain which flies away (flips up) when you wiggle your thumb, which represents the guard dog or the Amygdala, the feeling brain. Even my youngest kindergarten students grasp the concept with the help of a guard dog and wise owl puppet. 

• The Guard Dog (Amygdala)
  This part of the brain is on alert, watching for danger. When something feels overwhelming, frustrating, or scary, the guard dog reacts quickly. It might look like yelling, crying, or shutting down.
• The Owl (Prefrontal Cortex)
  The owl is the wise, thinking part of the brain. It helps with problem-solving, decision-making, and staying calm.

When the guard dog is barking loudly, the owl flies away. It is hard to think clearly when strong feelings take over. Labeling your feelings, using calming spaces and the calming caddy can help quiet the guard dog so the owl can return. This helps to support children as they are learning to manage their strong feelings and understand that all of their feelings are accepted.

When both home and school use the same ideas like talking about the guard dog and the owl, children begin to recognize their feelings more easily. A parent might say, “Sounds like your guard dog is barking right now,” and a teacher might use those same words.

This shared language — between home and school — builds connection and helps children feel understood across environments.

A Calming Space

Every toolbox needs a space to be used. That is where Calming Spaces come in. A calming space, whether at home or in a classroom, is a simple, intentional area where children can use their tools, practice calming strategies, and reset their body. It’s important to remember that this space is not a consequence at home or at school. It is a supportive workspace for emotional growth.

A calming space could include:

• A cozy corner with a cushion or bean bag
• A feelings chart
• A list of affirmations
• Pictures of calming strategies and breathing strategies
• Soft lighting 
• A basket of calming tools

These spaces help regulate the body and brain, providing the support and the opportunity children need to think, learn, and problem-solve. Research from CASEL (Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning) shows that when children are given structured opportunities to regulate emotions, they demonstrate improved focus, behavior, and relationships.

A Calming Caddy

A Calming Caddy is like the toolbox or a basket or bin that could be created at home and school. The caddy contains helpful tools to support regulating the body. This is where shared language becomes especially meaningful. Children know exactly what their tools are and how to use them in both places.

Tools might include:

• Stress balls or fidgets
• Breathing cards
• Expandable breathing ball
• A pinwheel for deep breathing
• Paper and crayons
• A small comfort item/stuffed animal
• A glitter jar or sensory bottle

These are introduced as tools, not toys, that support regulation and help children regain control. A toolbox is only helpful if children know how to use what’s inside. Children can practice strategies anywhere: at home, school classroom, school playground and even vacation. Breathing exercises, squeeze the lemons (squeeze and release your fists like you are squeezing lemons to make lemonade) and visualization to name a few. Like any skill, emotional regulation improves with practice. It is helpful to practice and know your strategies before the strong feelings surface. Practicing these strategies during calm moments is key. When children rehearse these skills regularly, they are far more likely to use them during challenging moments.

As children grow, their calming caddy and space grows with them. Younger kids might benefit from a stuffed animal or glitter jars and older kids could benefit from journaling, movement/exercise, or creative outlets. The tools may change but the ability to recognize when and how to use them lasts a lifetime. The goal isn’t to get rid of strong feelings, it’s to make sure children have the right tools to work through them.

In the end, calming spaces are not just physical areas, they are part of a bigger approach to emotional support. By working together and using consistent language, families and educators can help children strengthen their emotion management skills that will last a lifetime. 

The next time a crayon breaks, a game is lost, or a meltdown happens, imagine a cozy corner, a soft cushion, and a simple calming caddy ready to help. With shared language and intentional tools, children can learn to manage strong feelings. Parents and educators can feel confident that kids have the tools and support they need to navigate strong feelings. 

Nicole Stoner is in her 24th year as a school counselor and is passionate about her work on behalf of students. She’s served on the Michigan School Counselor Association governing board as the Elementary Vice President. Nicole is a certified yoga teacher which allows her to share the joy and benefits of mindful moments and movement with her family and students. Nicole and her husband are grateful for their three children.

References:

Siegel, D. J. Hand model of the brain. YouTube.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gm9CIJ74Oxw

Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning. Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL).
https://casel.org/