Engaging Our Families in Meaningful Endings
Among the many celebrations, final projects, proms, and graduations, there are also many goodbyes that play out at the end of the school year. This year, it feels more dramatic than other years though there are always goodbyes in May. Favorite teachers are moving on. Our son has befriended numerous seniors who have just enjoyed their final day and (literal) run from the school. Professionally, we — co-writer (and partner) Jason and I — are ending a Leadership Lab at our son’s high school in which we’ve grown close relationships and a deep investment in teachers, students, and parents’ success. There are so many goodbyes to say over the coming weeks.
It seems there’s an art and a science to saying goodbye. Though it may happen in an instant, more typically, goodbyes are a process over time. They can be filled with a range of emotions including sadness, fear of the unknown, excitement over what’s next, gratitude, resignation, and even, denial. One of the many nuggets of wisdom I recall from the play, “Hamilton,” is the notion of George Washington teaching the country to say goodbye. In essence, we too have that opportunity in the month of May. We can teach our children and our teens how to say goodbye. And what a critical life skill it is! If we do it well, we’ll feel the feelings associated with our goodbyes moving all the way through them to the other side. And that feeling-all-the-way-through will help us become fully present to our new beginnings like the promise of summer fun, freedom, and adventures.
Depending on who and why we are saying goodbye, our experience may be very different including the emotions we’ll be experiencing.
If we engage in the process of saying goodbye fully, we’ll share our gratitude and appreciations in meaningful ways. We’ll feel the fullness of our experience with that person. And we’ll give them our best send off as we wish them well on their way to whatever future awaits.
If we engage in the process of saying goodbye fully, we’ll feel the sadness, the bittersweetness that comes from watching someone we care about move on. We’ll relish in the best of our times together and what they’ve taught us that will indeed live on in our hearts and spirits. And as we let go, we’ll feel the fullness of being better having known them for a season and a reason. Those are the ways of the heart, – our experiences and expressions – or the art of saying goodbye.
The science of saying goodbye tells us that “well-rounded endings,” or the feeling that you’ve done everything you can to complete the experience with the person to the fullest degree possible, lead to the highest positive feelings leaving little regret and easing the transition to the new in the best way possible. In studies of students who studied abroad, for example, those who had a well-rounded ending – a ritual or a connecting goodbye – experienced more positive feelings afterward, held less regret about missing out on other experiences, and had an easier time transitioning back home.1
In this busy time, we can skip the process of saying goodbyes, avoid our feelings, and instead, perform the logistical tasks required of the moment. Buy a card. Stick a potted plant on a desk. Race to the next task. And the get-it-done style may check off the boxes on our lengthy list but it misses the significant opportunity of modeling and teaching your children how to say goodbye.
Here are some ways in which to engage in the well-rounded ending that will bring your school year to meaningful close and demonstrate the value of the relationships forged over the past year.
Write down the impact the person has had on your life.
On a recent stay with my parents, both lifelong educators, I came across my Mother’s retirement album. Every page of the album was filled with layers of note cards and letters from students who took the time to not just say thank you, but explain why and how my Mom made a difference in their learning and their life. And now in her retirement, she returns to read those notes on particularly challenging days when she needs a reminder that she’s truly made a meaningful impact on people. As you consider the teachers, administrators, and pupil support staff who have made an impact on you, your child, and/or your family, take the time to write it down and get specific. Spend time with your child or teen coming up with the content to incorporate their thoughts and feelings. Or spend a little time in a dinner conversation considering educators’ impacts and turn those into a letter. Perhaps pass the letter around for each member who has been impacted to contribute a paragraph. Your reflections just may be carefully placed in an album to offer emotional sustenance as that person ages far beyond your time together.
Draw and create art to show your gratitude.
Art can be one of the sincerest expressions of the heart. You may have a child that naturally gravitates to the drawing board. If you do, then encourage a piece of art that reflects your child’s appreciation for their teacher. Don’t want to draw? Print off photos of your child’s work from a class and make a collage. This can become a lasting keepsake for a teacher.
Mark the occasion with a meaningful and reflective gathering.
Are you saying goodbye to a group of people – a team, a committee, a class? Though this time of year is filled with events, people make a priority of attending ending gatherings so why not host one? It need not be elaborate. It could take place at school so that it’s convenient for students, teachers, and parents alike. Make your gathering meaningful by not only serving sweet treats but also, giving each person the opportunity to reflect on each other’s contributions and offer gratitude for your experiences together. Take a page from our high schoolers who sign one another’s yearbooks with expressions of appreciation. Hang a poster for each person to sign and write appreciations or have note cards at the ready and ask people to write and then give to others at the gathering.
Create a ritual.
If it’s a graduation year for your child, you have a milestone ritual to look forward to. But if not, creating a ritual can be a way to mark the transition and create a well-rounded goodbye. Perhaps your ceremony involves offering a new class a resource you’ve created or wisdom nuggets to pass on from your learning. Jason’s choir had a ceremony in which they robed the new incoming choir members in a procession with music. Though a ritual requires some thought about what might be meaningful to participants, it can create memories that last a lifetime and seal the goodbye with that full circle feeling of satisfied completion.
Because schools are central to our family’s lives and our children’s learning, they are the places of numerous beginnings and endings. If we are feeling sad about saying goodbye, that indicates that there was a richness and an importance in your life that you will miss or that you recognize as a treasure. I hope you’ll take some quiet moments to consider how you are creating meaningful, well-rounded endings with your family. May your goodbyes this season include taking the time to linger in the gratitude for the many who have made a difference in your own and your children’s lives.
References:
Schwörer, B., Krott, N. R., & Oettingen, G. (2020). Saying goodbye and saying it well: Consequences of a (not) well-rounded ending. Motivation Science, 6(1), 21–33. https://doi.org/10.1037/mot0000126