As a little girl, I often sang the lyrics, “let there be peace on Earth and let it begin with me.” I sang with gusto but did not ever reflect on what that meant. Is peace merely the opposite of war? As a change-maker in my adult years, I’ve spent years reflecting on related questions — how do you create peace? — peace of mind, peace of heart, peace in the world? When I took the helm as director of the Center for Peace Education, it became a mission for me. The idea of peace transformed from a condition and a setting to a learned set of skills that anyone and everyone can be engaged in practicing.
This weekend, the United Nations declares Saturday the International Day of Peace. They define peace as “not only is it the absence of conflict, but also (peace) requires a positive, dynamic participatory process where dialogue is encouraged and conflicts are solved in a spirit of mutual understanding and cooperation.” It’s not enough to just get along. But instead as individuals, as organizations, as countries, we must learn to grow our collaborative relationships actively and continually.
Yet, I do believe it begins with me in my relationships and so this is a chance to examine once again how peace is beginning with me. And again, the proving ground it seems is home – and family life. With those we love and count on daily, we have the chance to practice over and again the hardest, most challenging skills. These skills have two layers — our own practices and how we teach our children — and they remain inextricably linked, interdependent. These may include:
- returning to a centered, focused, grounded place in your body, heart, and spirit;
- dealing with darker emotions constructively;
- solving problems collaboratively with loved ones;
- learning from differences in opinions;
- working through disagreements in healthy ways;
- taking ownership of one’s own roles and feelings in a problem;
- seeking empathy and understanding for another’s pain or role in a conflict;
- holding paradox with grace and patience such as, my emotional needs may conflict with your needs;
- repairing harm when we are the cause of hurt or harm;
- clearing the air directly with the individual in conflict versus avoiding or circumventing by going to others;
- seeking and offering forgiveness; and
- restoring trust and deepening connection.
Though peace involves skills, it can also be helped along with the right conditions. Playing soothing music in your home sets a tone of calm. Burning candles or using a diffuser with essential oils engages your senses and can lead to feelings of comfort and safety. Opening windows, bringing the fresh air in, and listening to the sounds of nature and humanity outside can offer calm (or not, if you are in the city like I am! :). Consider the conditions of your living space and how they might be more conducive to creating calm.
Through the years, Confident Parents, Confident Kids’ has published a number of articles and tools for parents around this topic of dealing with conflict in healthy and growth-filled ways (much more than are listed below!). Creating peace in family life requires the active exercising of a full range of social and emotional skills — those same skills that will nourish our child and teen’s thriving today and for their future. So I cannot imagine a more important mission in family life than to practice peace.
Check out the following curated articles and tools that may offer specific support for whatever you most need to work on in your family.
Whole Family Conflict:
Fighting Fairly Family Pledge
Teaching Children Healthy Ways to Manage Conflict:
Peace Rose
Promoting Sibling Kindness for All Ages
Stop, Think, Go! Practicing Problem-Solving for Your Family
Open-Hearted Dialogue; Tackling Difficult Topics While Making Meaning Together
Power Dynamics and Conflict
Lessons from Aikido; Managing Power Struggles with Skill
Nonviolence as a Lever of Change…Learning from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
Parents, Kids and Bullying Behaviors — What Can We Do?
Parent-Child Conflict
The Conflict Code
Groundhog’s Day with Parent-Child Battles
Dealing with Big Feelings
Do You Have an Emotional Safety Plan?
Forgiveness
Teaching your Child or Teen to Forgive
Learn more about the United Nation’s International Day of Peace here.
May you discover ways in which to actively cultivate peace in yourself and your family.